Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Okay, folks,
just to help you pass the time away
while you're waiting for your table upstairs,
I'm gonna show you a little trick
that never fails to leave people with their mouths wide open.
I'm gonna guess your correct age
by asking you three simple questions, okay?
- Sounds like fun. - Good.
Okay, first question.
What year were you born?
You gotta be kidding.
Please, bear with me, will you?
Nineteen forty-nine.
Nineteen forty-nine, okay.
Second question.
How much you weigh?
About 185 pounds.
One hundred and eighty-five pounds.
Okay, third and last question. What do you do for a living?
I'm a carpet salesman.
Carpet salesman. All right.
Okay, I should have an answer for you right after dinner, huh?
After dinner?
Yeah, I didn't realize I had to carry a number.
Four, six and seven...
- Afternoon, everybody. - Norm!
Hey, Normie, what would you like?
I don't know. You got anything pale and cold?
Yeah, but it's Diane's day off.
I'll have a beer then, I guess.
You're looking a little glum there, buddy. You got a problem?
Yeah, new boss just chewed me out.
Says I lack enthusiasm.
Well, is that true?
I don't know. Maybe, I guess, who cares?
Well, here it is, Dr. Ludlow.
Remember, it was Diane's idea
to expose you to Boston's seamy underbelly.
Oh, Frasier, come on.
Dr. Ludlow will enjoy a quaint little Boston pub.
I wonder who the guy is with Frasier and Diane.
Talent scout for a geek show.
Well, I do wish that I'd worn a heavier overcoat.
I had no idea it would be so chilly up here.
Yes, I apologize for that.
You're apologizing for the weather?
Well, yes, and also the fact that I've had this toasty garment
while you've been chilled. Why don't you wear it on the way home?
Well, we're not exactly the same size, Frasier.
- Right, I'm sorry. - And you don't need
- to keep apologizing! - Oh, that's all right, sir, I don't mind.
Frasier.
I'm sorry. It's just that I turn to jelly
when I'm in the presence of my mentor, Dr. Bennett Ludlow.
Frasier, this attitude of yours was perfectly all right
when you were in my graduate program, but we are peers now.
Did you hear that, Diane? Peers.
Ludlow, get us some brandies.
No, no, I'm just kidding. I'll get them.
Diane, could you give me a hand?
Oh, certainly. Excuse me.
You noticed, didn't you?
Of course I noticed. What are we going to do about it?
Well, the only thing we can do, ignore it.
Ignore it? That's like telling me to ignore your fly being open.
Yes, very good point.
It isn't, is it?
What seems to be the problem here, folks?
Well, Sam, my colleague has dropped a crumb during dinner,
and in the intervening hours it has become encrusted on his tie.
So what? You can take Norm's tie here,
put it in a kettle and make soup.
Incidentally, it's a little-known fact
that the tie was invented in ancient times to be used as a bib.
You know, wipe your chin.
You mean they're thinking of changing that?
Why don't you just tell the guy that he's got a spot?
Gee, that's an idea.
Why didn't we just come to Sam in the first place?
Sam, you just don't say, "There's a spot on your tie"
to a man the stature of Dr. Bennett Ludlow.
The Bennett Ludlow?
You've heard of him, Coach?
No.
Coach, he's only one of the true giants of psychiatry.
Author, innovator, educator, and I'm not ashamed to say,
my idol and inspiration.
All right, you lean over, you pretend you're admiring his tie tack,
and you just nibble the morsel off real quick.
Who's the wiser?
Sam is right. We have to tell him.
Of course you're right.
Oh, Sam, may we have three brandies, please?
I guess I'm the one who should tell him.
After all, I'm the one who suggested beef Wellington.
Beef Wellington, you say?
Where's that tie? Show me.
I just have to find a way to tell him in a subtle and tactful way
that will allow him to preserve his dignity.
Hey, Pigpen.
What's that thing? What, are you trying to catch pigeons?
Thank you very much.
Don't mention it. I like a man who wears his dinner with pride.
Here we are. Sir, in spite of the fact
that it may cause you some personal embarrassment,
I have to tell you, you have a spot...
...in my heart.
Always have, always will.
Thank you. Thank you very much, Frasier,
but if you'll excuse me, I've got a telephone call to make.
Believe me, I am not the sort of man
who approaches young, unfamiliar ladies in a bar
and tries to become more familiar by the use of some smooth line.
Your secret is safe with me.
Pardon me. Pardon me for saying this,
but there is something about you that is so strikingly attractive.
While you're staring at my zoomers,
let's see if we can figure out what that is.
What would it take to get your telephone number?
A phone book.
Would you tell me your name, or shall I just check in the yellow pages
under "Hot Babe"?
The name is Carla Tortelli,
and I'm starting to like you.
- Oh, say, Norm? - Yes, Cliff?
You seem to have a spot there on your tie.
So I do, so I do. Thank you, Cliff ie, for pointing that out.
You know, if more people were as conscientious as you are,
I think we could wipe out social embarrassment in our time.
Well, don't thank me, Norm.
Periodic tie checks are the duty of every American citizen.
- Did he look at his tie? - No.
So much for subtlety.
All right, you just start a fire for diversion.
I'll hose him down.
Boy, am I exhausted.
What, not much sleep, huh?
No, Normie, I slept like a baby.
It's just that I dreamed I had insomnia all night.
You know, someday that man's head is gonna open up,
and a prize will pop out.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hey, Carla, I got some flowers here for you.
Oh, for me?
Yeah, very cute, Carla.
You've gotten flowers every day for the last two weeks.
Yeah, I guess I ought to be feeling a little guilty.
I mean, I'm getting all these flowers,
and there are bees going to bed hungry.
Yeah, we're kind of curious here.
Who's your secret admirer?
None of your damn business.
Thank you, Carla.
Sam.
- So, what did she say? - "None of your damn business."
Well, excuse me for living.
What if I said that to you when you asked me to
show you how to throw a knuckle ball?
You did.
Oh, so we're even.
Oh, Frasier, you're early.
Is something wrong?
Well, of course something's wrong.
Dr. Ludlow cancelled out on us again. Surprise, surprise.
What excuse did he give this time?
- Something came up. - Something came up.
Something's been coming up every night for the last two months.
Well, Frasier,
maybe we just have to admit that he doesn't want to see us socially.
Well, yes, I guess we've been trying too hard. We've been too eager.
Sam, can I get a beer or something, please?
Especially that first night when we made such buffoons of ourselves.
"We," Frasier?
All right, you.
Me?
Yes. The way you fawned over him was nothing less than criminal.
If you had taken off your clothes and writhed on the floor in front of him,
it would have been a refreshing note of subtlety.
No wonder the man's been shunning us.
Frasier, you were so obsequious,
if he had asked you to cluck like a chicken and lay an egg,
you would have squatted and asked, "What color?"
Well, he didn't ask me to, so it's a moot point at best, Diane.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Hey, Diane, while I'm thinking about it, I need tonight off.
Could you switch with me?
- Well... - Why not?
There's nothing going on in our lives.
That'll be fine, Carla. You're in luck again.
It seems every time you want to trade nights with me,
my plans get cancelled.
Yeah, go figure.
Hey, Diane.
You know, I've been thinking.
Have you?
The oddsmakers take a beating again.
No, listen, listen. Is it possible that your--?
This Ludlow fella hasn't been seeing the two of you,
because he's been spending all his time with Carla?
Yes, Sam.
Either that, or he had to finish his paper route on Mars.
I'm sorry, Sam, that you had to feel the sting of my wit,
but it's a ludicrous question.
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute.
There are two mysteries going on here.
First, Carla's been seeing this obviously very classy guy,
and second, your pal's been avoiding the two of you like the plague.
Of course, that's the lesser of the two mysteries.
Sam, you're talking about one of the most distinguished
and accomplished men of letters I know
dating a common barmaid.
- You're dating a barmaid. - She wasn't a barmaid when I met her.
Oh, that's right, that's right, she was a lunatic.
No, it's true, Coach.
See, many scientists believe that the little finger,
that's the pinkie in the legerdemain,
will one day, like the tail, disappear.
You know, because it serves no useful purpose.
Well, people couldn't go swimming without their little finger.
Why do you need a little finger to swim, Coach?
When you come out of the water, you can't do this...
I stand corrected.
Sam, may I speak to you for a moment?
Okay, okay, a cute lunatic. All right?
Frasier is in a very fragile state of mind.
Your asinine theories,
while suitable fodder for inane bar conversation,
do nothing to ease his fit of pique.
Wait a minute here. The one word I understood in that
I don't exactly care for.
My theory's not asinine.
You're right. It's a lot worse.
Think of the two of them together.
Bennett Ludlow and Carla?
It's harebrained.
Just imagine it.
Well, you don't have to imagine it. There it is now. Have you ever seen--?
No, I guess I haven't.
Diane, what's--?
You know, Benny here may look like a stiff,
but he's really out for a good time.
I was drawn to Carla right from the start.
Why, there's something so sensual, something so earthy about her.
By the way, didn't any of you suspect anything?
No, no, I think you would've had to be a real brain
to figure this one out, don't you think, Frasier?
Yeah, how come you kept this relationship such a secret, huh?
Well, that's the way me and Big Ben wanted it.
Our backgrounds are a little different, which is a slight problem.
I mean, word starts getting around you're seeing a guy
who tucks his T-shirt in his undershorts
and your reputation is shot to hell.
And I had similar reasons to be discreet.
Yeah, well, cat's out of the bag now, huh?
Well, excuse me, Benny, I have to go see my customers.
Well, I think this calls for somebody
- to buy the house a round of drinks. - Oh, well, I'll do that.
Oh, hey, you beat me to it. I get the next one.
Diane. Excuse me.
Now that I'm gonna be running in egghead circles,
looks like you and I are gonna be bumping into each other at parties.
You with your boyfriend and me with my boyfriend.
His hero.
Okay, I think I've come to terms with this.
Dr. Ludlow...
...you came here more or less on vacation.
You've had your walk on the wild side.
Now you can return to your proper sphere,
refreshed and a better man for it.
Well, frankly, Frasier, it's a bit more complicated than that.
I'm going to take a short trip out of town,
and when I come back, I think I'm going to ask Ms. Tortelli to marry me.
How wonderful.
Damn it, Sam, where is she?
Dr. Ludlow, I don't know. She's almost never late.
- Coach, did Carla call? - Yeah, she did.
- Well, what did she say? - None of your damn business.
How's your knuckle ball?
Come on, Coach, we've been over this again and again.
Give me a break, will you?
Dr. Ludlow,
we're all so happy that Carla's getting the first break of her life.
- Hear, hear, huh? - Thank you. Thank you.
All this talk about romance gives me a warm spot right here.
- Yeah. - Or was it that meal
I had at the Hungry Heifer?
Yes, yes, yes. I went back for their special chicken dinner.
- What was it? - A bowl of pellets
and a handful of grain.
Well, here she is.
- What's going on? - Dr. Ludlow has something
he wants to talk to you about, Carla.
Well, of course, I had not expected this to be a spectator sport.
Perhaps you'd like to step over here?
Benny, is this what I think it is?
Yes, Carla, I want you to marry me.
Wow, what a day.
Well, will you?
I guess I'd be crazy to say no.
Champagne, please, for everybody.
All right!
- Way to go, doc. - That's just great, doc.
- Thank you, thank you. - Congratulations.
It happened right here.
- Congratulations, doc. - Thank you. Thank you.
- Champagne for everybody. - Coming up. Coming up.
That is just...
- Come on, pay this window. - Gentlemen.
Carla?
I couldn't help noticing you're not exactly leaping for joy.
Bennett Ludlow is a wonderful catch.
Yeah, well...
...there's some things he doesn't know about me.
Well, a little mystery is good for a marriage.
What haven't you told him?
Well, I haven't been completely honest about my kids.
What haven't you told him about your kids?
That they live.
He doesn't know you have children?
Carla, I think you'd better tell him. He's going to wonder
who those little people are running around your place.
I was hoping he'd be too polite to ask.
Look, I didn't want to scare him off.
Well, I think it's only fair
that you tell him immediately you have five children.
Six.
Okay, six, but don't wait. if you--
- I thought it was five. - It was.
I just came from the doctor's.
Oh, Carla.
When you were in high school and you took hygiene...
...did you cut the how-not-to lecture?
I had to. I was pregnant.
I tell you, I'm the most fertile woman that ever lived.
For me there's only one absolutely foolproof method of birth control,
and it makes me sick to my stomach.
- What's that? - Saying no.
Carla, are you all right?
Well, I'll just go celebrate with the others.
We're like a big family here at Cheers.
You know what they say about a big family. More to love.
I always say, if you want to be in a big fam--
- Beat it. - Bye.
Carla, my proposal was not exactly met with the enthusiasm that I expected,
and it suddenly occurred to me that I never heard the word "yes."
Yeah, I know.
Look, Benny, I gotta tell you some things about myself.
Would you sit down for a minute?
- Oh, this sounds serious. - It is. It is.
Have you seen The Brady Bunch?
Yes, I think so.
Well, picture them with knives.
I don't understand.
I have five kids.
Five?
Well, five and counting.
You're gonna be a daddy.
This is quite a day.
You now have my permission to withdraw your proposal.
Carla, do you want me to withdraw my proposal?
Well, I want you to do what you wanna do.
I want you to marry me.
You're kidding.
Wow, what class.
I still haven't heard the word "yes."
I know.
Why do you think that is?
Well, I think that if you look into your feelings, you'll know.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah, I think I do.
I'm in love with someone else.
Who is it, Carla?
I don't know his name.
I never even met him yet,
but I've had this really clear picture of him in my mind
for what seems like forever.
But he is gonna walk into this bar one night.
Well, not walk, really, more like swagger.
You know, confident but not cocky.
He's okay-looking, but he's no pretty boy.
He's a swell dresser.
He's got on this burgundy leather jacket.
He's got cherry lifesavers in one pocket
and a pack of Camels in the other.
He's trying to quit them both, but he can't.
His nose...
...is broken in all the right places.
And he's got this scar on his chin that he won't talk about.
He cracks his knuckles all the time.
Drives me up a wall, but what are you gonna do?
Doesn't talk much.
Doesn't have to.
He falls for me.
Hard.
I hurt him a few times.
He gets over it.
We get married.
So you see, it'd be a little messy
if I was already married when he got here.
You know, Carla, I sort of have a dream girl myself.
Oh, well, tell me about her.
Well, she's a spunky, hearty, curly-haired little spitfire
who doesn't know what's really good for her.
I hope you find her someday.
Me too.
By the way, I intend to take care of that child financially.
You bet your buns you will, Benny, baby.
- Are you okay? - Hey, would you knock it off?
Okay, okay, you're all gonna know eventually,
so you might as well know now.
I turned Benny down, and I'm pregnant again.
So in case your math is bad,
that makes six, count them, six kids
for an unmarried woman. I don't want your sappy looks.
I don't want your charity. I don't want your sympathy.
As a matter of fact, I don't even want to talk about this anymore.
I just want to be left alone to live my life. Got it?
Got it.
What are you people made of, stone?