Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, come on, Coach.
Is... is this what I think it is?
Well, what do you think it is?
I think it's something totally useless
that some salesman talked you into buying.
Boy, you're good at thinking, Sam.
Oh!
"The Billiard Buddy Pool Table Adapter."
Yeah, but it's not useless, Sam.
You can make it
into a ping-pong table, a knock hockey table,
a salad bar.
How much?
Oh, I don't know.
A buck, a buck and a half with croutons.
No, Coach.
I mean, how much for the whole thing?
Oh. 600 bucks, Sam, but the salesman...
the salesman said,
"Satisfaction guaranteed."
Or?
Now, that would have been a good question.
- $600? - Yeah.
Hard to believe, isn't it?
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm!
Norman.
What'll it be, Normie?
Just the usual, Coach.
I'll have a trough of beer
and a snorkel.
Cliff ie, uh, maybe you could help me out.
My, uh...
mother-in-law's in town.
Ah, sorry. Yeah.
As if that wasn't bad enough, she says she wants to go sightseeing.
Well, hey, uh, tell her to go to Florida.
Well, uh, I've told her to go
a lot further south than that, actually,
but she's been interested in American history, so...
Well, Norman, take your mother to see Bunker Hill.
Where?
Bunker Hill,
the scene of what many consider
one of the most important battles
in American history.
Wait, wait, wait, you talking about that place
that I've got to go all the way around
to get to the Minuteman Pizza Parlor?
No way.
Hey, Norm, your car's unlocked.
Someone might steal your laundry.
What laundry?
That big, lumpy bundle on the front seat of your car.
Oh, that's my mother-in-law.
She had kind of a rough flight
and she nodded out the second she hit the upholstery.
And you left her out there
in an unattended automobile?
I threw a blanket over her
and I left her a note,
in case she comes to.
She's lucky to have you as a son-in-law,
- Norman. - Yeah.
I'm going to give her the red carpet treatment, I guess.
Hey, yo, pal?
Could you do me a favor
and toss these in the blue Civic out in front?
- Hi. - Hi.
- Is Sam Malone here? - Uh, no, he isn't.
What can I buy from you?
What am I saying?
What can I get you?
- Oh, I'll have a beer. - Oh.
Say, look, my name is Lenny Barnes.
Oh, hi, Lenny.
I'm the publicist for the Chamber of Commerce
charity softball game this Saturday.
I'm looking for Sam Malone.
Oh, now, I can tell you right now, Lenny,
he wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing.
I mean, nobody with any dignity
wants to get into those sideshow carnival things
where everybody's made to look stupid. Nobody.
Hey, aren't you Ernie Pantusso?
I'd be honored to do it.
Well, I don't think we need anybody else.
Oh, well. Huh.
I find it hard to get up to Fenway these days.
Yeah? The old memories come back, huh?
No, I keep getting the wrong bus.
I must have an old schedule.
Well, I guess those stories about you are true.
That they are, Lenny. That they are.
Mr. Barnes,
Coach is right.
Sam never plays in old-timer type games.
Well, actually, Sam's already agreed to play.
- What? - Mm-hm. Yeah.
I'm just here for some publicity shots.
Uh, well, Lenny,
why don't you take your beer and have a seat and wait for Sam, huh?
Okay. Thank you.
Oh, I have to make a call.
- Use the telephone. - Mm-hm.
I'm so surprised at Sam, Diane.
I mean, he always said to me
he'd never get involved in one of these things.
Maybe Sam misses
being out there on the baseball field,
standing on the bump.
I think you got a point there, Diane.
I miss seeing him out there on the bump too,
but, uh, incidentally, it's called a mound.
Ah. Mm-hm.
Unless we're not talking about the same thing.
- No. - Good.
Ah, thank you, Carla, for helping me out there.
Are you sure you want to quit, Sam?
I'm willing to catch a few more.
I mean, you weren't exactly
toying with the sound barrier out there, you know.
No, no, no,
I just wanted to loosen up a little bit, that's all.
Carla, I don't think you should be engaging
in strenuous activity when you're with child.
If I didn't do things with child,
I'd never leave the house.
The only thing I ever did without child
resulted in one.
Sam, you really going to play in this charity game?
Yeah. You know, I was out there warming up, Coach.
My arm feels pretty good.
Are you kidding me?
When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight,
it's not cooking.
All I care about is not embarrassing myself.
Good luck.
Listen, I have a right to be a little rusty.
The only thing I've thrown in the past 10 years
is Diane's butt out of here.
No, Sam, you are thinking of the tantrums you threw
when I walked out of here.
Ah.
You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing
more than you two argue on the subject
is hearing Cliff talk about Florida.
Oh, as a matter of fact,
I was just about to tell Normie here
that Florida is a pollution-free state.
You, uh, you know how they treat solid waste?
You said they treated you very well.
- Hey. Hiya, Sam. - Hey, Lenny. How you doing?
Oh, I'm fine.
Say, look, I've made arrangements
to have a photographer and some of your opponents
drop by for some publicity stills.
Right now?
Oh, yeah. It won't take but a minute.
They should be here right away.
Tell me, Sam, what brought about
this sudden altruistic bent
in your personality?
Hey, come on, I resent that. Sudden?
I've always cared very deeply for people
less fortunate than myself.
Mm-hm. Here they are.
Hey.
Oh, Sam,
you great, big humanitarian.
Who says
you can't work for a worthy cause
and still be sexually aroused?
You could be having an appendectomy
and still be sexually aroused.
Be that as it may.
I, uh, have to excuse myself now
and go say hello to my fellow do-gooders.
Boing!
Are those dames or what?
Oh, this is disgusting.
In what kind of culture do I live
where they are the ideal women?
Well, gee, Diane,
you've got to admit they are beautiful.
Coach, take away all their makeup,
all their expensive haircuts and those bodies,
and what have you got?
You.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
They're, uh... They're Playboy Playmates.
- Get out of here. - Yeah, no, no.
I recognize Miss February
of a few years back.
Hey, hey. She's a native of Montana,
hates the hustle and bustle of the big city.
Uh, her turn-ons include strong but sensitive men,
classical music, and, uh, rainy afternoons.
Hard to believe
that Vera and those are the same sex.
Excuse me.
Does anyone have a blue Civic
with a bumper sticker that says,
"Accountants Do lt with interest"?
Uh, yes, that would be mine,
and, uh, you know, it's true, by the way.
They're towing it away.
Uh, did you happen to notice
a little old lady trying to get out?
No.
Oh, well, great. Another round, Coach.
Hey, Norm, what about your mother-in-law?
She's safe. The cops have her.
So, uh, my place or yours?
I have a roommate.
Yours it is.
Hey, would you take your drink?
Thank you.
Hey, uh, are you upset about something?
You know what bugs me about women like you?
What?
You take off all your clothes, you pose for a magazine,
thousands of men see you naked.
I have to go to 'em one by one.
It's not fair.
Hey, you're gorgeous, Sam. Come on.
We're going to take those pictures.
Why don't you get up there and, uh, you know,
put your arms around the girls, okay?
Put my arms around them, you say?
- Right up there. - Okey-dokey.
Yeah, squeeze in there real tight now, Sam.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, that's good.
Okay. Now, tell me, Sam,
how do you feel about the game on this Saturday?
Well, it's a challenge of a lifetime.
We're, uh, looking at natural assets here
that are going to play havoc with the strike zone.
Nah, nah. I'm, uh...
I'm looking forward to the game
and, uh, I'm particularly looking forward
to the shower afterwards.
All right, all right, all right. Seriously.
I think it's going to be a great game,
and I just hope that everybody comes out
to support a very worthy cause. Terrific, Sam.
Now step down and let me get a shot of the girls by themselves.
Put them over here by the door. The lighting's perfect.
I know what you're thinking
and I don't care.
If you think I'm even concerned, you are wrong.
Your sortie into sordidness
has no effect on my emotions.
You could make love to all five of those women
and I would feel nothing...
Uh-huh.
...as, I'm sure, would they.
Why don't you come over here
and let me introduce you to the girls?
I'd like to show them the charity I was involved with last year.
You are a sand flea!
That's the thanks I get?
Hey, Coach.
What happened to our pool table?
It's still there, Larry,
but thanks to our Billiard Buddy adapter,
it's more fun than ever now.
It can be a knock hockey table,
a ping-pong table, a slot car track.
You name it.
I want a pool table.
All right. Let me get out my easy-to-follow
conversion instructions here,
and, uh...
tool kit...
uh, moving...
and that...
and that.
Uh, Coach, how long is this going to take?
Oh, 20 minutes.
20 minutes to put the pool table together?
No, 20 minutes to figure what the hell this is.
Ah, forget it. I'll play ping-pong.
God bless you.
Hey, Coach!
The play of the game, Cliff ie,
was when Angela had to reach back
to catch that foul ball.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was a thing of beauty, Normie,
but, uh, the best one, the best one was, uh...
when Ginger bent down to catch that grounder.
I had to applaud, Norm.
Oh, let's not forget when Rosemary and Ginger
- kind of bumped into each other. - Oh!
Ah!
Either one of you
manage to sneak a peak at the scoreboard?
- There was a scoreboard? - Yeah.
Final score was
Sam's team seven, Playmates zero.
I'm telling you, he was blowing those girls away.
It was a massacre.
I lost track of the final strikeouts,
but the important thing is,
the twinkies lost.
Tee-da!
- Yay, Sam! - Hey, all right!
Be the man. Way to pound 'em.
Yeah. Hey, did you hear?
I got 18 strikeouts.
Uh, Sam, I counted 17.
Nah. The ump was blind.
That ball cut the corner.
Hey, Coach, come on, drinks are on me.
We're celebrating here.
Hey, Sammy? What happened to the Playmates?
I thought they were supposed to, uh,
sashay down here after the game.
Yeah, they were.
You know, I guess they're sore losers.
Whatever happened to sportsmanship, huh?
Well, maybe they're a little put off by your victory laps.
Oh, come on, man.
That was just a joke.
Hey, though, that was a...
that was a pretty good game, wasn't it?
I mean, I really had my stuff back.
Wasn't this game supposed to be for fun?
Yeah, that's right. I had a great time.
Hey, guys,
I really had my stuff, huh?
Yeah, magnificent, Sam.
Uh, any chance the girls'll be by?
Hey, would you...
Would you guys forget the girls here?
I mean, I just won a game,
didn't let anybody past first base,
and you're all pretending
that this is just an ordinary day.
Excuse me.
I'm not an expert in the field of sports,
but it's my impression that the fans
paid to see the little Playmates
wiggling their heinies around the bases.
Diane, you're the last person I want to talk to today.
You're not exactly in the top five any day,
but for your information,
people paid good money to watch Sam Malone pitch.
I paid for heinies.
Come on!
Hey, people don't pay to watch their baseball stars stink.
They pay to watch them relive their old glories.
You know, Sammy,
I was more thrilled than anybody
to see you out there flinging it again,
but, uh...
even I was a little embarrassed
when you put one in Babette's ear
because she was crowding the plate.
Hey, the plate belongs to me.
If Babette can't stand the heat,
she shouldn't have crossed the baseline.
Come on here. We're celebrating, guys.
Sam, you mean you knocked a girl down?
No, Coach.
I didn't knock a girl down.
I knocked a batter down.
Come on, she was halfway across the plate.
Oh, well, halfway across the plate.
She deserves it.
Let's celebrate.
Oh, yes, by all means, let's celebrate.
This is such a major accomplishment, Sam.
I think you're ready
to take on the Campfire Girls All-Stars.
Way to go, Diane.
You guys want to go out there and face me? Huh, mouths?
Huh? I mean, any one of you.
Go get a bat.
First person that gets a hit off me,
I'll give 'em the bar.
Any takers?
Yeah.
Yeah, I thought that would shut you up,
you gutless wonders.
Why don't you just go over to the Playboy Club
and hang out with the losing team?
Coach, I'm going to be in the back room...
alone.
Oh, good, Diane's here.
Sam, you are an attractive man,
you have many friends,
you have a lot going for you,
but you have one miserable character flaw.
Gee, I wonder if I could coax you
into telling me what that is.
Sam...
you and I dated for what seemed an eternity,
and I think I know you pretty well.
You get into a contest
and you'd rather die than lose.
I'm surmising,
but I think your fear of losing
drove you to drink and ruined your career.
I'm going to tell you something,
and then I'd appreciate it if you'd leave.
A little competitiveness is a healthy thing.
Ah, but you have more than a little competitiveness.
Sam, you're very sick.
I am not.
Yes, you are, and I can prove it.
Why did you play this game in the first place?
To impress a bevy of buxom Bunnies,
who now will never speak to you again.
You wanted to beat them
more than you wanted to bed them.
Oh, my God, I am sick.
Oh.
Sam, you're not actually sick.
You just have a problem.
I know, I know, I know, I know.
I've always had it.
You mean, you approached games in this same way
when you were a child?
Oh, especially when I was a child.
My parents
were kind of tough on me.
I could never do anything to please them.
I mean, if I got a C in school,
they'd say "Why didn't you get a B?"
If I got a B, "Why didn't you get an A?"
And if you got an A?
Sorry.
You know, in high school, I...
Once I pitched a two-hitter.
All my dad could talk about was the lousy two damn hits.
Sam, this is wonderful.
You're sharing with me
an attempt to confront
the very roots of your self-involvement.
I had no idea
you could relate on this level.
Yeah.
It kind of feels good to open up like this.
Yeah.
You know,
when I was about six, uh...
I made my dad breakfast in bed on Father's Day.
I mean, I was really proud of myself.
All he could say was the eggs were too dry
and the...
and the toast was too light.
Sam, I'm feeling a...
a closeness to you now
that compels me to share a core feeling of my own,
something which I have yet to make privy to my analyst.
It happened my 17th summer--
You know, I swear,
if I'd made the toast any darker,
he would have said I burned it.
I was brimming with the innocence of youth.
You know, everybody else in the world
would have said, "Hey, that toast is perfectly fine."
Oh, stop with the damned toast tragedy!
What's your problem?
Well, I'm trying to share something very painful
and you keep cutting me off.
I was talking about my dad.
Well, I was going to tell you
about the time I stayed home from the prom.
You interrupted my dad story for that?
Well, what more was there?
He didn't like your toast.
Okay, fine, fine.
Tell me all about your little dance story.
This doesn't have anything to do
with, uh, mice and glass slippers, does it?
I assure you that the details of my prom story
would make your dad story look like self-pitying tripe.
All right, all right, okay.
Right now I'm going to admit
that I am a very competitive person.
You know something that just occurred to me?
You know the reason
why our relationship never worked?
Because you always had to have the last say.
You always had to be on top and you're still doing it.
You know,
you are just as competitive as I am.
- Me?! - Yeah, yeah.
Oh, I'm not competitive.
I'm intense...
and strong willed,
but I think that mindless games and contests
are very destructive and diminish the human spirit.
Is that right?
Want to play ping-pong?
Of course I don't want to play ping-pong.
It's preposterous.
It's not exactly my best sport.
A lot of people beat me at it,
but I bet you I could beat the pants off of you.
And what if you did? What would it prove?
Ah, it would prove I'm having a great day,
my dad was wrong, God's in his heaven,
and you are a loser.
Oh...
As always,
you are just trying to avoid
the central issue here.
- Come on, chicken. - Oh...
Don't do this, Sam.
I've played ping-pong.
Ooh.
My father built me an elaborate rec room
when I was a child.
My daddy liked me.
Yeah, yeah.
I bet you got lots of practice,
staying home from all those proms, huh?
Yes.
It gave me the opportunity
to master the complexities of making toast.
Oh, nice serve, Diane.
All right.
- Hah! - Oh, yeah, you'll be easy.
Hah! I'm real worried.
Nah!
And, uh, since that time, Norm, I've, uh...
I've had a fear of death.
- My point. - Lucky shot.
- Hah! - Come on, serve.
Come on, come on. What are we doing?
It's called ping-pong. Serve.
This all started out with us arguing
over who is the most competitive.
What are we proving
by knocking a ball back and forth all night?
It's not going to be all night.
I'm about to win. Now, serve, will you?
Let's start by admitting that we both have a problem
and let's put down our paddles simultaneously
and walk away from this thing.
Oh. Oh, you're quitting. Is that it?
As it so happens, I am a point ahead.
I could win on this serve.
I am suggesting
a greater triumph for us both.
A victory over this destructive problem
we both have.
Let's beat our paddles into plowshares, Sam.
Say again?
Try this for me
and see if you don't feel better.
I'm putting down my paddle.
Join me in this victory, Sam.
How do you feel?
-I feel okay. - Yeah.
Yeah. As a matter of fact, I feel pretty good.
Good.
Buy me a cup of coffee?
Yeah, you bet. How about that?
Oh, just one more thing.
I win!
You're not getting out of this room alive.
Oh, don't be a sore loser.
You're the one that's going to be sore.
- Ouch! - That's why they call those paddles.