1 00:00:01,793 --> 00:00:04,546 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:12,721 Oh, come on, Coach. 3 00:00:12,888 --> 00:00:14,389 Is... is this what I think it is? 4 00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:15,933 Well, what do you think it is? 5 00:00:16,099 --> 00:00:18,435 I think it's something totally useless 6 00:00:18,602 --> 00:00:20,479 that some salesman talked you into buying. 7 00:00:20,646 --> 00:00:23,607 Boy, you're good at thinking, Sam. 8 00:00:23,774 --> 00:00:25,484 Oh! 9 00:00:25,651 --> 00:00:27,611 "The Billiard Buddy Pool Table Adapter." 10 00:00:27,778 --> 00:00:29,112 Yeah, but it's not useless, Sam. 11 00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:30,322 You can make it 12 00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:33,075 into a ping-pong table, a knock hockey table, 13 00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:34,785 a salad bar. 14 00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:37,371 How much? 15 00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:38,580 Oh, I don't know. 16 00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:40,624 A buck, a buck and a half with croutons. 17 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:41,959 No, Coach. 18 00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:45,712 I mean, how much for the whole thing? 19 00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:48,215 Oh. 600 bucks, Sam, but the salesman... 20 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,466 the salesman said, 21 00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:52,052 "Satisfaction guaranteed." 22 00:00:52,219 --> 00:00:53,136 Or? 23 00:00:53,345 --> 00:00:55,806 Now, that would have been a good question. 24 00:00:59,226 --> 00:01:01,520 - $600? - Yeah. 25 00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:03,522 Hard to believe, isn't it? 26 00:02:22,351 --> 00:02:23,477 Afternoon, everybody. 27 00:02:23,644 --> 00:02:24,478 Norm! 28 00:02:24,645 --> 00:02:25,479 Norman. 29 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:26,647 What'll it be, Normie? 30 00:02:26,813 --> 00:02:28,023 Just the usual, Coach. 31 00:02:28,190 --> 00:02:29,483 I'll have a trough of beer 32 00:02:29,650 --> 00:02:31,193 and a snorkel. 33 00:02:34,363 --> 00:02:35,822 Cliff ie, uh, maybe you could help me out. 34 00:02:35,989 --> 00:02:37,032 My, uh... 35 00:02:37,199 --> 00:02:38,200 mother-in-law's in town. 36 00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:39,701 Ah, sorry. Yeah. 37 00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,329 As if that wasn't bad enough, she says she wants to go sightseeing. 38 00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,914 Well, hey, uh, tell her to go to Florida. 39 00:02:45,540 --> 00:02:47,167 Well, uh, I've told her to go 40 00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,002 a lot further south than that, actually, 41 00:02:49,169 --> 00:02:51,630 but she's been interested in American history, so... 42 00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:54,299 Well, Norman, take your mother to see Bunker Hill. 43 00:02:54,466 --> 00:02:56,218 Where? 44 00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,053 Bunker Hill, 45 00:02:58,220 --> 00:02:59,388 the scene of what many consider 46 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:00,764 one of the most important battles 47 00:03:00,931 --> 00:03:02,849 in American history. 48 00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:05,018 Wait, wait, wait, you talking about that place 49 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,812 that I've got to go all the way around 50 00:03:06,978 --> 00:03:08,271 to get to the Minuteman Pizza Parlor? 51 00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:09,398 No way. 52 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:11,900 Hey, Norm, your car's unlocked. 53 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:14,361 Someone might steal your laundry. 54 00:03:14,528 --> 00:03:15,362 What laundry? 55 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,989 That big, lumpy bundle on the front seat of your car. 56 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:20,575 Oh, that's my mother-in-law. 57 00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,035 She had kind of a rough flight 58 00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,663 and she nodded out the second she hit the upholstery. 59 00:03:26,039 --> 00:03:27,332 And you left her out there 60 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:29,167 in an unattended automobile? 61 00:03:29,334 --> 00:03:30,627 I threw a blanket over her 62 00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:32,129 and I left her a note, 63 00:03:32,295 --> 00:03:34,339 in case she comes to. 64 00:03:34,506 --> 00:03:37,217 She's lucky to have you as a son-in-law, 65 00:03:37,384 --> 00:03:38,593 - Norman. - Yeah. 66 00:03:38,760 --> 00:03:41,388 I'm going to give her the red carpet treatment, I guess. 67 00:03:41,596 --> 00:03:42,848 Hey, yo, pal? 68 00:03:43,014 --> 00:03:44,057 Could you do me a favor 69 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,268 and toss these in the blue Civic out in front? 70 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,151 - Hi. - Hi. 71 00:03:54,317 --> 00:03:56,737 - Is Sam Malone here? - Uh, no, he isn't. 72 00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,238 What can I buy from you? 73 00:03:58,405 --> 00:03:59,865 What am I saying? 74 00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:00,949 What can I get you? 75 00:04:01,116 --> 00:04:03,285 - Oh, I'll have a beer. - Oh. 76 00:04:03,452 --> 00:04:04,703 Say, look, my name is Lenny Barnes. 77 00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:05,746 Oh, hi, Lenny. 78 00:04:05,912 --> 00:04:07,497 I'm the publicist for the Chamber of Commerce 79 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:08,957 charity softball game this Saturday. 80 00:04:09,124 --> 00:04:10,250 I'm looking for Sam Malone. 81 00:04:10,417 --> 00:04:12,669 Oh, now, I can tell you right now, Lenny, 82 00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,463 he wouldn't be interested in that kind of thing. 83 00:04:14,629 --> 00:04:16,089 I mean, nobody with any dignity 84 00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:19,217 wants to get into those sideshow carnival things 85 00:04:19,384 --> 00:04:22,596 where everybody's made to look stupid. Nobody. 86 00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,222 Hey, aren't you Ernie Pantusso? 87 00:04:24,389 --> 00:04:26,266 I'd be honored to do it. 88 00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,435 Well, I don't think we need anybody else. 89 00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,396 Oh, well. Huh. 90 00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:34,357 I find it hard to get up to Fenway these days. 91 00:04:34,524 --> 00:04:36,985 Yeah? The old memories come back, huh? 92 00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,820 No, I keep getting the wrong bus. 93 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,655 I must have an old schedule. 94 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:44,367 Well, I guess those stories about you are true. 95 00:04:45,619 --> 00:04:47,913 That they are, Lenny. That they are. 96 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:49,247 Mr. Barnes, 97 00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:50,499 Coach is right. 98 00:04:50,665 --> 00:04:53,001 Sam never plays in old-timer type games. 99 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:55,462 Well, actually, Sam's already agreed to play. 100 00:04:55,670 --> 00:04:56,880 - What? - Mm-hm. Yeah. 101 00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,673 I'm just here for some publicity shots. 102 00:04:58,840 --> 00:04:59,883 Uh, well, Lenny, 103 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:02,594 why don't you take your beer and have a seat and wait for Sam, huh? 104 00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:03,887 Okay. Thank you. 105 00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:04,971 Oh, I have to make a call. 106 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,556 - Use the telephone. - Mm-hm. 107 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,688 I'm so surprised at Sam, Diane. 108 00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:16,274 I mean, he always said to me 109 00:05:16,441 --> 00:05:19,194 he'd never get involved in one of these things. 110 00:05:19,361 --> 00:05:21,154 Maybe Sam misses 111 00:05:21,321 --> 00:05:23,907 being out there on the baseball field, 112 00:05:24,074 --> 00:05:26,827 standing on the bump. 113 00:05:26,993 --> 00:05:28,453 I think you got a point there, Diane. 114 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,831 I miss seeing him out there on the bump too, 115 00:05:30,997 --> 00:05:33,500 but, uh, incidentally, it's called a mound. 116 00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:34,501 Ah. Mm-hm. 117 00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,878 Unless we're not talking about the same thing. 118 00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:39,047 - No. - Good. 119 00:05:39,214 --> 00:05:41,633 Ah, thank you, Carla, for helping me out there. 120 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,260 Are you sure you want to quit, Sam? 121 00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:44,761 I'm willing to catch a few more. 122 00:05:44,928 --> 00:05:46,054 I mean, you weren't exactly 123 00:05:46,221 --> 00:05:48,890 toying with the sound barrier out there, you know. 124 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:49,975 No, no, no, 125 00:05:50,141 --> 00:05:52,227 I just wanted to loosen up a little bit, that's all. 126 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:54,980 Carla, I don't think you should be engaging 127 00:05:55,146 --> 00:05:57,899 in strenuous activity when you're with child. 128 00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,401 If I didn't do things with child, 129 00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:00,986 I'd never leave the house. 130 00:06:02,821 --> 00:06:04,239 The only thing I ever did without child 131 00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:05,657 resulted in one. 132 00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:09,160 Sam, you really going to play in this charity game? 133 00:06:09,327 --> 00:06:11,621 Yeah. You know, I was out there warming up, Coach. 134 00:06:11,788 --> 00:06:12,789 My arm feels pretty good. 135 00:06:12,956 --> 00:06:14,374 Are you kidding me? 136 00:06:14,541 --> 00:06:17,002 When a butterfly lands on a ball in mid-flight, 137 00:06:17,168 --> 00:06:18,545 it's not cooking. 138 00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,300 All I care about is not embarrassing myself. 139 00:06:23,466 --> 00:06:24,634 Good luck. 140 00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:26,678 Listen, I have a right to be a little rusty. 141 00:06:26,845 --> 00:06:28,847 The only thing I've thrown in the past 10 years 142 00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:30,724 is Diane's butt out of here. 143 00:06:35,103 --> 00:06:38,440 No, Sam, you are thinking of the tantrums you threw 144 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:40,775 when I walked out of here. 145 00:06:40,942 --> 00:06:41,818 Ah. 146 00:06:41,985 --> 00:06:43,737 You know, the only thing I enjoy hearing 147 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:45,780 more than you two argue on the subject 148 00:06:45,947 --> 00:06:48,074 is hearing Cliff talk about Florida. 149 00:06:48,241 --> 00:06:49,326 Oh, as a matter of fact, 150 00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:50,911 I was just about to tell Normie here 151 00:06:51,077 --> 00:06:52,662 that Florida is a pollution-free state. 152 00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:55,415 You, uh, you know how they treat solid waste? 153 00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:58,293 You said they treated you very well. 154 00:07:03,882 --> 00:07:06,217 - Hey. Hiya, Sam. - Hey, Lenny. How you doing? 155 00:07:06,384 --> 00:07:07,260 Oh, I'm fine. 156 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,595 Say, look, I've made arrangements 157 00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:10,388 to have a photographer and some of your opponents 158 00:07:10,555 --> 00:07:12,057 drop by for some publicity stills. 159 00:07:12,223 --> 00:07:13,516 Right now? 160 00:07:13,683 --> 00:07:15,101 Oh, yeah. It won't take but a minute. 161 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,853 They should be here right away. 162 00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,355 Tell me, Sam, what brought about 163 00:07:18,521 --> 00:07:20,565 this sudden altruistic bent 164 00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:21,942 in your personality? 165 00:07:22,108 --> 00:07:24,194 Hey, come on, I resent that. Sudden? 166 00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:26,196 I've always cared very deeply for people 167 00:07:26,363 --> 00:07:27,781 less fortunate than myself. 168 00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:29,115 Mm-hm. Here they are. 169 00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,200 Hey. 170 00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,412 Oh, Sam, 171 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:38,541 you great, big humanitarian. 172 00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,210 Who says 173 00:07:40,377 --> 00:07:42,212 you can't work for a worthy cause 174 00:07:42,379 --> 00:07:44,005 and still be sexually aroused? 175 00:07:44,172 --> 00:07:46,633 You could be having an appendectomy 176 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,260 and still be sexually aroused. 177 00:07:49,427 --> 00:07:50,345 Be that as it may. 178 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:52,514 I, uh, have to excuse myself now 179 00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:55,141 and go say hello to my fellow do-gooders. 180 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,524 Boing! 181 00:08:02,691 --> 00:08:05,443 Are those dames or what? 182 00:08:05,610 --> 00:08:07,904 Oh, this is disgusting. 183 00:08:08,071 --> 00:08:10,782 In what kind of culture do I live 184 00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:12,075 where they are the ideal women? 185 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:13,410 Well, gee, Diane, 186 00:08:13,576 --> 00:08:15,412 you've got to admit they are beautiful. 187 00:08:15,578 --> 00:08:18,581 Coach, take away all their makeup, 188 00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:21,710 all their expensive haircuts and those bodies, 189 00:08:21,876 --> 00:08:23,962 and what have you got? 190 00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,213 You. 191 00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:32,804 Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 192 00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:34,639 They're, uh... They're Playboy Playmates. 193 00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:36,641 - Get out of here. - Yeah, no, no. 194 00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:37,934 I recognize Miss February 195 00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:39,102 of a few years back. 196 00:08:39,269 --> 00:08:41,438 Hey, hey. She's a native of Montana, 197 00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:43,231 hates the hustle and bustle of the big city. 198 00:08:43,398 --> 00:08:46,026 Uh, her turn-ons include strong but sensitive men, 199 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,653 classical music, and, uh, rainy afternoons. 200 00:08:51,781 --> 00:08:52,782 Hard to believe 201 00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:55,702 that Vera and those are the same sex. 202 00:08:55,869 --> 00:08:57,078 Excuse me. 203 00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:58,663 Does anyone have a blue Civic 204 00:08:58,830 --> 00:08:59,873 with a bumper sticker that says, 205 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,458 "Accountants Do lt with interest"? 206 00:09:01,624 --> 00:09:03,168 Uh, yes, that would be mine, 207 00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:04,753 and, uh, you know, it's true, by the way. 208 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,337 They're towing it away. 209 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:07,589 Uh, did you happen to notice 210 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,340 a little old lady trying to get out? 211 00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:11,384 No. 212 00:09:11,551 --> 00:09:13,470 Oh, well, great. Another round, Coach. 213 00:09:13,636 --> 00:09:15,555 Hey, Norm, what about your mother-in-law? 214 00:09:15,722 --> 00:09:17,724 She's safe. The cops have her. 215 00:09:20,685 --> 00:09:22,270 So, uh, my place or yours? 216 00:09:22,437 --> 00:09:23,438 I have a roommate. 217 00:09:23,605 --> 00:09:25,565 Yours it is. 218 00:09:29,611 --> 00:09:30,904 Hey, would you take your drink? 219 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:31,988 Thank you. 220 00:09:32,155 --> 00:09:34,074 Hey, uh, are you upset about something? 221 00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,076 You know what bugs me about women like you? 222 00:09:36,242 --> 00:09:37,410 What? 223 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,371 You take off all your clothes, you pose for a magazine, 224 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,791 thousands of men see you naked. 225 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,543 I have to go to 'em one by one. 226 00:09:45,710 --> 00:09:46,711 It's not fair. 227 00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:49,547 Hey, you're gorgeous, Sam. Come on. 228 00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:50,924 We're going to take those pictures. 229 00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:52,801 Why don't you get up there and, uh, you know, 230 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,344 put your arms around the girls, okay? 231 00:09:54,511 --> 00:09:56,638 Put my arms around them, you say? 232 00:09:57,931 --> 00:09:59,933 - Right up there. - Okey-dokey. 233 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,727 Yeah, squeeze in there real tight now, Sam. 234 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:04,687 - Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Yeah, that's good. 235 00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:05,980 Okay. Now, tell me, Sam, 236 00:10:06,147 --> 00:10:08,274 how do you feel about the game on this Saturday? 237 00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,443 Well, it's a challenge of a lifetime. 238 00:10:10,610 --> 00:10:12,237 We're, uh, looking at natural assets here 239 00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:14,697 that are going to play havoc with the strike zone. 240 00:10:16,574 --> 00:10:17,951 Nah, nah. I'm, uh... 241 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,452 I'm looking forward to the game 242 00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,329 and, uh, I'm particularly looking forward 243 00:10:21,496 --> 00:10:22,747 to the shower afterwards. 244 00:10:24,290 --> 00:10:25,959 All right, all right, all right. Seriously. 245 00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:27,919 I think it's going to be a great game, 246 00:10:28,086 --> 00:10:29,629 and I just hope that everybody comes out 247 00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,673 to support a very worthy cause. Terrific, Sam. 248 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,634 Now step down and let me get a shot of the girls by themselves. 249 00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:36,678 Put them over here by the door. The lighting's perfect. 250 00:10:36,845 --> 00:10:38,513 I know what you're thinking 251 00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:40,431 and I don't care. 252 00:10:40,598 --> 00:10:44,018 If you think I'm even concerned, you are wrong. 253 00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,020 Your sortie into sordidness 254 00:10:46,187 --> 00:10:48,815 has no effect on my emotions. 255 00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:51,192 You could make love to all five of those women 256 00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:52,569 and I would feel nothing... 257 00:10:52,735 --> 00:10:53,653 Uh-huh. 258 00:10:53,820 --> 00:10:55,780 ...as, I'm sure, would they. 259 00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,450 Why don't you come over here 260 00:10:59,617 --> 00:11:00,952 and let me introduce you to the girls? 261 00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:03,496 I'd like to show them the charity I was involved with last year. 262 00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:12,547 You are a sand flea! 263 00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,466 That's the thanks I get? 264 00:11:28,062 --> 00:11:28,980 Hey, Coach. 265 00:11:29,147 --> 00:11:31,357 What happened to our pool table? 266 00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:32,567 It's still there, Larry, 267 00:11:32,734 --> 00:11:34,402 but thanks to our Billiard Buddy adapter, 268 00:11:34,569 --> 00:11:37,071 it's more fun than ever now. 269 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:38,948 It can be a knock hockey table, 270 00:11:39,115 --> 00:11:42,202 a ping-pong table, a slot car track. 271 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:43,953 You name it. 272 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,997 I want a pool table. 273 00:11:46,164 --> 00:11:48,875 All right. Let me get out my easy-to-follow 274 00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,920 conversion instructions here, 275 00:11:52,086 --> 00:11:53,546 and, uh... 276 00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:58,468 tool kit... 277 00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:01,304 uh, moving... 278 00:12:02,972 --> 00:12:05,308 and that... 279 00:12:05,475 --> 00:12:07,352 and that. 280 00:12:07,518 --> 00:12:09,312 Uh, Coach, how long is this going to take? 281 00:12:09,479 --> 00:12:10,647 Oh, 20 minutes. 282 00:12:10,813 --> 00:12:12,649 20 minutes to put the pool table together? 283 00:12:12,815 --> 00:12:15,777 No, 20 minutes to figure what the hell this is. 284 00:12:15,944 --> 00:12:18,488 Ah, forget it. I'll play ping-pong. 285 00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,114 God bless you. 286 00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:26,246 Hey, Coach! 287 00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:28,164 The play of the game, Cliff ie, 288 00:12:28,331 --> 00:12:30,124 was when Angela had to reach back 289 00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:31,417 to catch that foul ball. 290 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:32,627 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 291 00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:35,004 That was a thing of beauty, Normie, 292 00:12:35,171 --> 00:12:37,757 but, uh, the best one, the best one was, uh... 293 00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:40,635 when Ginger bent down to catch that grounder. 294 00:12:40,802 --> 00:12:42,136 I had to applaud, Norm. 295 00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,722 Oh, let's not forget when Rosemary and Ginger 296 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,766 - kind of bumped into each other. - Oh! 297 00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:51,187 Ah! 298 00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:52,313 Either one of you 299 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,899 manage to sneak a peak at the scoreboard? 300 00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:57,110 - There was a scoreboard? - Yeah. 301 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,444 Final score was 302 00:12:58,611 --> 00:13:01,281 Sam's team seven, Playmates zero. 303 00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:03,825 I'm telling you, he was blowing those girls away. 304 00:13:03,992 --> 00:13:05,034 It was a massacre. 305 00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,828 I lost track of the final strikeouts, 306 00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:08,788 but the important thing is, 307 00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:10,665 the twinkies lost. 308 00:13:12,959 --> 00:13:14,210 Tee-da! 309 00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:17,880 - Yay, Sam! - Hey, all right! 310 00:13:18,047 --> 00:13:19,465 Be the man. Way to pound 'em. 311 00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,758 Yeah. Hey, did you hear? 312 00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:22,343 I got 18 strikeouts. 313 00:13:22,510 --> 00:13:24,095 Uh, Sam, I counted 17. 314 00:13:24,262 --> 00:13:25,680 Nah. The ump was blind. 315 00:13:25,847 --> 00:13:26,806 That ball cut the corner. 316 00:13:26,973 --> 00:13:28,558 Hey, Coach, come on, drinks are on me. 317 00:13:28,725 --> 00:13:29,809 We're celebrating here. 318 00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,312 Hey, Sammy? What happened to the Playmates? 319 00:13:32,478 --> 00:13:33,688 I thought they were supposed to, uh, 320 00:13:33,855 --> 00:13:35,189 sashay down here after the game. 321 00:13:35,356 --> 00:13:36,399 Yeah, they were. 322 00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:37,984 You know, I guess they're sore losers. 323 00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,777 Whatever happened to sportsmanship, huh? 324 00:13:39,944 --> 00:13:42,238 Well, maybe they're a little put off by your victory laps. 325 00:13:42,405 --> 00:13:44,991 Oh, come on, man. 326 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:47,243 That was just a joke. 327 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,828 Hey, though, that was a... 328 00:13:48,995 --> 00:13:50,538 that was a pretty good game, wasn't it? 329 00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:52,123 I mean, I really had my stuff back. 330 00:13:52,290 --> 00:13:55,043 Wasn't this game supposed to be for fun? 331 00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:57,545 Yeah, that's right. I had a great time. 332 00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,464 Hey, guys, 333 00:13:59,630 --> 00:14:01,215 I really had my stuff, huh? 334 00:14:01,382 --> 00:14:02,383 Yeah, magnificent, Sam. 335 00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:04,510 Uh, any chance the girls'll be by? 336 00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:05,762 Hey, would you... 337 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,138 Would you guys forget the girls here? 338 00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:08,556 I mean, I just won a game, 339 00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,224 didn't let anybody past first base, 340 00:14:10,391 --> 00:14:11,434 and you're all pretending 341 00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,061 that this is just an ordinary day. 342 00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:16,022 Excuse me. 343 00:14:16,898 --> 00:14:19,108 I'm not an expert in the field of sports, 344 00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:21,736 but it's my impression that the fans 345 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,488 paid to see the little Playmates 346 00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:26,741 wiggling their heinies around the bases. 347 00:14:27,325 --> 00:14:29,786 Diane, you're the last person I want to talk to today. 348 00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,996 You're not exactly in the top five any day, 349 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:33,706 but for your information, 350 00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:37,377 people paid good money to watch Sam Malone pitch. 351 00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:38,836 I paid for heinies. 352 00:14:40,296 --> 00:14:41,672 Come on! 353 00:14:41,839 --> 00:14:45,426 Hey, people don't pay to watch their baseball stars stink. 354 00:14:45,593 --> 00:14:47,637 They pay to watch them relive their old glories. 355 00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:49,389 You know, Sammy, 356 00:14:49,555 --> 00:14:50,973 I was more thrilled than anybody 357 00:14:51,140 --> 00:14:52,934 to see you out there flinging it again, 358 00:14:53,101 --> 00:14:54,435 but, uh... 359 00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,020 even I was a little embarrassed 360 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:57,897 when you put one in Babette's ear 361 00:14:58,064 --> 00:15:00,608 because she was crowding the plate. 362 00:15:01,317 --> 00:15:03,736 Hey, the plate belongs to me. 363 00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,780 If Babette can't stand the heat, 364 00:15:05,947 --> 00:15:07,281 she shouldn't have crossed the baseline. 365 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:09,325 Come on here. We're celebrating, guys. 366 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:11,536 Sam, you mean you knocked a girl down? 367 00:15:11,702 --> 00:15:12,578 No, Coach. 368 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:13,955 I didn't knock a girl down. 369 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:15,123 I knocked a batter down. 370 00:15:15,289 --> 00:15:17,083 Come on, she was halfway across the plate. 371 00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:18,543 Oh, well, halfway across the plate. 372 00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:19,919 She deserves it. 373 00:15:20,086 --> 00:15:21,170 Let's celebrate. 374 00:15:21,337 --> 00:15:24,173 Oh, yes, by all means, let's celebrate. 375 00:15:24,340 --> 00:15:25,800 This is such a major accomplishment, Sam. 376 00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,218 I think you're ready 377 00:15:27,385 --> 00:15:30,304 to take on the Campfire Girls All-Stars. 378 00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:33,516 Way to go, Diane. 379 00:15:33,683 --> 00:15:36,352 You guys want to go out there and face me? Huh, mouths? 380 00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:38,229 Huh? I mean, any one of you. 381 00:15:38,396 --> 00:15:39,313 Go get a bat. 382 00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,149 First person that gets a hit off me, 383 00:15:41,315 --> 00:15:42,316 I'll give 'em the bar. 384 00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,359 Any takers? 385 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:45,194 Yeah. 386 00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:46,779 Yeah, I thought that would shut you up, 387 00:15:46,946 --> 00:15:48,114 you gutless wonders. 388 00:15:48,281 --> 00:15:50,116 Why don't you just go over to the Playboy Club 389 00:15:50,283 --> 00:15:51,784 and hang out with the losing team? 390 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:54,829 Coach, I'm going to be in the back room... 391 00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:56,706 alone. 392 00:16:03,045 --> 00:16:05,131 Oh, good, Diane's here. 393 00:16:06,674 --> 00:16:09,260 Sam, you are an attractive man, 394 00:16:09,427 --> 00:16:10,803 you have many friends, 395 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:12,763 you have a lot going for you, 396 00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:15,766 but you have one miserable character flaw. 397 00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:17,685 Gee, I wonder if I could coax you 398 00:16:17,852 --> 00:16:20,021 into telling me what that is. 399 00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,900 Sam... 400 00:16:27,320 --> 00:16:30,156 you and I dated for what seemed an eternity, 401 00:16:30,323 --> 00:16:33,409 and I think I know you pretty well. 402 00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:35,036 You get into a contest 403 00:16:35,203 --> 00:16:38,372 and you'd rather die than lose. 404 00:16:38,539 --> 00:16:41,709 I'm surmising, 405 00:16:41,876 --> 00:16:43,503 but I think your fear of losing 406 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:46,214 drove you to drink and ruined your career. 407 00:16:48,382 --> 00:16:49,509 I'm going to tell you something, 408 00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,552 and then I'd appreciate it if you'd leave. 409 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:55,139 A little competitiveness is a healthy thing. 410 00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:59,310 Ah, but you have more than a little competitiveness. 411 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,604 Sam, you're very sick. 412 00:17:04,690 --> 00:17:06,108 I am not. 413 00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,110 Yes, you are, and I can prove it. 414 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,363 Why did you play this game in the first place? 415 00:17:10,530 --> 00:17:13,783 To impress a bevy of buxom Bunnies, 416 00:17:13,950 --> 00:17:16,869 who now will never speak to you again. 417 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,621 You wanted to beat them 418 00:17:18,788 --> 00:17:21,165 more than you wanted to bed them. 419 00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:24,919 Oh, my God, I am sick. 420 00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:28,506 Oh. 421 00:17:28,673 --> 00:17:31,300 Sam, you're not actually sick. 422 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,927 You just have a problem. 423 00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:35,304 I know, I know, I know, I know. 424 00:17:35,471 --> 00:17:37,014 I've always had it. 425 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,935 You mean, you approached games in this same way 426 00:17:41,102 --> 00:17:42,728 when you were a child? 427 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,981 Oh, especially when I was a child. 428 00:17:45,147 --> 00:17:46,399 My parents 429 00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:48,109 were kind of tough on me. 430 00:17:48,276 --> 00:17:49,819 I could never do anything to please them. 431 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,696 I mean, if I got a C in school, 432 00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:53,281 they'd say "Why didn't you get a B?" 433 00:17:53,447 --> 00:17:55,449 If I got a B, "Why didn't you get an A?" 434 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:57,577 And if you got an A? 435 00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,036 Sorry. 436 00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,917 You know, in high school, I... 437 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,128 Once I pitched a two-hitter. 438 00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:11,882 All my dad could talk about was the lousy two damn hits. 439 00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:15,553 Sam, this is wonderful. 440 00:18:15,720 --> 00:18:16,887 You're sharing with me 441 00:18:17,054 --> 00:18:18,389 an attempt to confront 442 00:18:18,556 --> 00:18:21,100 the very roots of your self-involvement. 443 00:18:21,267 --> 00:18:23,311 I had no idea 444 00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:25,563 you could relate on this level. 445 00:18:27,064 --> 00:18:28,357 Yeah. 446 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,693 It kind of feels good to open up like this. 447 00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:31,736 Yeah. 448 00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,279 You know, 449 00:18:35,072 --> 00:18:37,199 when I was about six, uh... 450 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:41,412 I made my dad breakfast in bed on Father's Day. 451 00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:44,498 I mean, I was really proud of myself. 452 00:18:44,665 --> 00:18:46,792 All he could say was the eggs were too dry 453 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,419 and the... 454 00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,713 and the toast was too light. 455 00:18:52,798 --> 00:18:55,176 Sam, I'm feeling a... 456 00:18:55,343 --> 00:18:56,510 a closeness to you now 457 00:18:56,677 --> 00:19:01,265 that compels me to share a core feeling of my own, 458 00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:05,311 something which I have yet to make privy to my analyst. 459 00:19:05,478 --> 00:19:08,230 It happened my 17th summer-- 460 00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:09,649 You know, I swear, 461 00:19:09,815 --> 00:19:11,233 if I'd made the toast any darker, 462 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,818 he would have said I burned it. 463 00:19:12,985 --> 00:19:15,863 I was brimming with the innocence of youth. 464 00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:17,406 You know, everybody else in the world 465 00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:19,784 would have said, "Hey, that toast is perfectly fine." 466 00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:23,663 Oh, stop with the damned toast tragedy! 467 00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:25,164 What's your problem? 468 00:19:25,331 --> 00:19:28,459 Well, I'm trying to share something very painful 469 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:31,128 and you keep cutting me off. 470 00:19:31,295 --> 00:19:33,381 I was talking about my dad. 471 00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,174 Well, I was going to tell you 472 00:19:35,341 --> 00:19:38,177 about the time I stayed home from the prom. 473 00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:42,473 You interrupted my dad story for that? 474 00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:43,808 Well, what more was there? 475 00:19:43,974 --> 00:19:45,601 He didn't like your toast. 476 00:19:45,768 --> 00:19:47,311 Okay, fine, fine. 477 00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:48,979 Tell me all about your little dance story. 478 00:19:49,146 --> 00:19:50,773 This doesn't have anything to do 479 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:53,067 with, uh, mice and glass slippers, does it? 480 00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:57,571 I assure you that the details of my prom story 481 00:19:57,738 --> 00:20:01,492 would make your dad story look like self-pitying tripe. 482 00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:02,952 All right, all right, okay. 483 00:20:03,119 --> 00:20:04,453 Right now I'm going to admit 484 00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:05,955 that I am a very competitive person. 485 00:20:06,122 --> 00:20:07,707 You know something that just occurred to me? 486 00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:08,916 You know the reason 487 00:20:09,083 --> 00:20:10,418 why our relationship never worked? 488 00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,378 Because you always had to have the last say. 489 00:20:12,545 --> 00:20:15,047 You always had to be on top and you're still doing it. 490 00:20:15,214 --> 00:20:16,173 You know, 491 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:18,134 you are just as competitive as I am. 492 00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:20,928 - Me?! - Yeah, yeah. 493 00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:23,514 Oh, I'm not competitive. 494 00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:26,183 I'm intense... 495 00:20:27,893 --> 00:20:29,145 and strong willed, 496 00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:33,232 but I think that mindless games and contests 497 00:20:33,399 --> 00:20:37,862 are very destructive and diminish the human spirit. 498 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,196 Is that right? 499 00:20:39,363 --> 00:20:40,948 Want to play ping-pong? 500 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:46,746 Of course I don't want to play ping-pong. 501 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:48,622 It's preposterous. 502 00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,249 It's not exactly my best sport. 503 00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:51,834 A lot of people beat me at it, 504 00:20:52,001 --> 00:20:54,253 but I bet you I could beat the pants off of you. 505 00:20:54,420 --> 00:20:57,423 And what if you did? What would it prove? 506 00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,383 Ah, it would prove I'm having a great day, 507 00:20:59,550 --> 00:21:01,302 my dad was wrong, God's in his heaven, 508 00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:02,928 and you are a loser. 509 00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:04,096 Oh... 510 00:21:05,598 --> 00:21:06,807 As always, 511 00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:09,018 you are just trying to avoid 512 00:21:09,185 --> 00:21:11,187 the central issue here. 513 00:21:12,396 --> 00:21:13,814 - Come on, chicken. - Oh... 514 00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:18,778 Don't do this, Sam. 515 00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:24,784 I've played ping-pong. 516 00:21:24,950 --> 00:21:26,285 Ooh. 517 00:21:28,746 --> 00:21:31,290 My father built me an elaborate rec room 518 00:21:31,457 --> 00:21:33,083 when I was a child. 519 00:21:33,250 --> 00:21:36,545 My daddy liked me. 520 00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:39,256 Yeah, yeah. 521 00:21:39,423 --> 00:21:40,966 I bet you got lots of practice, 522 00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,803 staying home from all those proms, huh? 523 00:21:49,892 --> 00:21:51,227 Yes. 524 00:21:51,393 --> 00:21:52,603 It gave me the opportunity 525 00:21:52,770 --> 00:21:55,731 to master the complexities of making toast. 526 00:21:55,898 --> 00:21:57,483 Oh, nice serve, Diane. 527 00:21:58,734 --> 00:22:00,903 All right. 528 00:22:02,154 --> 00:22:03,989 - Hah! - Oh, yeah, you'll be easy. 529 00:22:04,156 --> 00:22:05,199 Hah! I'm real worried. 530 00:22:05,366 --> 00:22:06,659 Nah! 531 00:22:19,338 --> 00:22:21,507 And, uh, since that time, Norm, I've, uh... 532 00:22:21,674 --> 00:22:23,384 I've had a fear of death. 533 00:22:25,261 --> 00:22:27,680 - My point. - Lucky shot. 534 00:22:27,847 --> 00:22:28,681 - Hah! - Come on, serve. 535 00:22:28,848 --> 00:22:30,432 Come on, come on. What are we doing? 536 00:22:30,599 --> 00:22:32,434 It's called ping-pong. Serve. 537 00:22:32,601 --> 00:22:34,979 This all started out with us arguing 538 00:22:35,145 --> 00:22:37,648 over who is the most competitive. 539 00:22:37,815 --> 00:22:38,858 What are we proving 540 00:22:39,024 --> 00:22:41,235 by knocking a ball back and forth all night? 541 00:22:41,402 --> 00:22:42,528 It's not going to be all night. 542 00:22:42,695 --> 00:22:44,280 I'm about to win. Now, serve, will you? 543 00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:50,077 Let's start by admitting that we both have a problem 544 00:22:50,244 --> 00:22:53,831 and let's put down our paddles simultaneously 545 00:22:53,998 --> 00:22:56,792 and walk away from this thing. 546 00:22:58,752 --> 00:23:01,547 Oh. Oh, you're quitting. Is that it? 547 00:23:03,883 --> 00:23:06,510 As it so happens, I am a point ahead. 548 00:23:06,677 --> 00:23:08,220 I could win on this serve. 549 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:10,097 I am suggesting 550 00:23:10,264 --> 00:23:12,600 a greater triumph for us both. 551 00:23:12,766 --> 00:23:14,894 A victory over this destructive problem 552 00:23:15,060 --> 00:23:16,478 we both have. 553 00:23:16,645 --> 00:23:21,692 Let's beat our paddles into plowshares, Sam. 554 00:23:21,859 --> 00:23:24,403 Say again? 555 00:23:24,570 --> 00:23:25,946 Try this for me 556 00:23:26,113 --> 00:23:27,656 and see if you don't feel better. 557 00:23:27,823 --> 00:23:29,825 I'm putting down my paddle. 558 00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:36,582 Join me in this victory, Sam. 559 00:23:47,176 --> 00:23:48,510 How do you feel? 560 00:23:48,677 --> 00:23:51,847 -I feel okay. - Yeah. 561 00:23:52,014 --> 00:23:54,642 Yeah. As a matter of fact, I feel pretty good. 562 00:23:54,808 --> 00:23:56,060 Good. 563 00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:57,728 Buy me a cup of coffee? 564 00:23:57,895 --> 00:24:00,022 Yeah, you bet. How about that? 565 00:24:00,189 --> 00:24:01,774 Oh, just one more thing. 566 00:24:04,234 --> 00:24:05,653 I win! 567 00:24:05,819 --> 00:24:07,446 You're not getting out of this room alive. 568 00:24:07,613 --> 00:24:09,198 Oh, don't be a sore loser. 569 00:24:09,365 --> 00:24:10,824 You're the one that's going to be sore. 570 00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,243 - Ouch! - That's why they call those paddles.