1
00:00:01,919 --> 00:00:04,296
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:07,007
Carla, might I have a word?
3
00:00:08,217 --> 00:00:09,468
Look, uh, you know,
4
00:00:09,635 --> 00:00:12,221
I know how you always like
to poke fun at me and whatnot,
5
00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:15,307
but I'd really appreciate it
if you stayed away from one area
6
00:00:15,474 --> 00:00:17,851
I'm particularly
sensitive about...
7
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:19,436
and that is my ears.
8
00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:21,104
I don't make jokes
about your ears.
9
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:22,898
I mean, why would I
make jokes about--
10
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,985
Oh, my God!
11
00:00:27,736 --> 00:00:31,949
I never noticed those
satellite dishes before.
12
00:00:32,115 --> 00:00:33,700
Gee, I must have been
distracted
13
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:36,370
by the other atrocities
attached to your head.
14
00:00:36,537 --> 00:00:39,581
Yeah, well, look, just hear me
out on this one, will you?
15
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,792
Last night I was going through
my insurance policy,
16
00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,294
and I discovered that
I'm eligible for an ear tuck.
17
00:00:45,087 --> 00:00:47,714
Well, you know, it's going to be
hard enough for me to go through
18
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:49,550
without you, you know,
razzing me all the time,
19
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,718
so all I want to ask
is that you please, please,
20
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,012
after I do it,
not make my life a living hell.
21
00:00:54,179 --> 00:00:56,056
This really means a lot to you,
doesn't it?
22
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,016
Yeah, it's the most
important thing in my life.
23
00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:01,353
Yeah, well, go ahead.
Get it done.
24
00:01:01,520 --> 00:01:02,813
We'll see.
25
00:01:02,980 --> 00:01:04,731
Oh, yeah, and, uh, one other
thing, Carla.
26
00:01:04,898 --> 00:01:07,317
Would you kind of lay off
about how I live with my mother?
27
00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:08,485
Well, gee whiz, Cliff,
28
00:01:08,652 --> 00:01:10,237
I mean, you got to
give me something.
29
00:01:10,404 --> 00:01:12,155
What am I going to
tease you about?
30
00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:14,575
Well, I'm not the most tidy guy
in the world.
31
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:17,369
Oh, okay, I'll limit
myself to that.
32
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:19,413
Thank you, Carla.
You're welcome.
33
00:01:19,580 --> 00:01:20,914
By the way,
your mother called.
34
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,916
She said you left your
earmuffs in the driveway
35
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:24,626
and no one could get out.
36
00:01:27,796 --> 00:01:29,631
That was a tidy tease.
37
00:02:45,749 --> 00:02:46,875
Hey, everybody.
38
00:02:47,042 --> 00:02:48,126
-Hey, Sam.
- Hi, Sam.
39
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:50,087
What do you have there, Sam?
40
00:02:51,338 --> 00:02:52,631
Looks like books.
41
00:02:52,798 --> 00:02:55,467
Yeah, I guess you could
call them books.
42
00:02:55,634 --> 00:02:57,302
Just something
I've been meaning to read.
43
00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,304
Oh, why don't you open one up
44
00:02:59,471 --> 00:03:02,557
so we can all see the little
gingerbread house pop out?
45
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:08,271
Yeah, well, you wasted
your money on that one, Sam.
46
00:03:08,438 --> 00:03:10,816
You'll be disappointed
with the ending.
47
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:12,984
I'll be in my office.
48
00:03:14,778 --> 00:03:16,613
He locked his door.
49
00:03:16,780 --> 00:03:20,659
Oh! And we're trapped out here
with you.
50
00:03:22,327 --> 00:03:24,204
Sam never locks his door.
51
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:27,207
He's done that two or three
times this week, Diane.
52
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:28,667
Yeah, he did that the other night,
53
00:03:28,834 --> 00:03:29,835
and he never made a sound.
54
00:03:30,001 --> 00:03:31,294
Stayed in there
till closing time.
55
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,171
Oh, my God.
56
00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:35,382
The thing I feared worst
has happened.
57
00:03:35,549 --> 00:03:37,968
Your Living Bra died of boredom.
58
00:03:42,264 --> 00:03:45,642
This is no time
for... levity.
59
00:03:45,809 --> 00:03:48,019
I think Sam might be
drinking again.
60
00:03:48,812 --> 00:03:50,188
Oh, I was afraid of this.
61
00:03:51,440 --> 00:03:52,858
Day after day
62
00:03:53,024 --> 00:03:56,319
of watching Frasier and me
exulting in our joy
63
00:03:56,486 --> 00:03:58,572
has finally driven him
over the edge.
64
00:03:58,739 --> 00:03:59,865
Come on, Diane.
65
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:01,992
I doubt seriously
if he's drinking.
66
00:04:02,159 --> 00:04:04,411
There's lots of other things
he could be doing in there.
67
00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:06,872
Like what?
68
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,915
Maybe he's reading,
just like he said.
69
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,251
Oh, it can't be that.
70
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:13,211
I was once with Sam
when he was reading.
71
00:04:13,378 --> 00:04:15,255
I'd recognize the sounds
anywhere.
72
00:04:18,216 --> 00:04:19,718
Well, there's one sure way
73
00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,386
to ascertain
whether he's drinking.
74
00:04:21,553 --> 00:04:23,472
I will smell his breath.
75
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,226
Go away.
76
00:04:28,393 --> 00:04:30,437
Sam, it's Diane.
77
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,814
Go far away.
78
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:34,316
Sam, please,
79
00:04:34,483 --> 00:04:36,985
there's something important
I need to talk to you about.
80
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,195
All right, come in.
81
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:39,738
The door is locked.
82
00:04:39,905 --> 00:04:40,947
Oh...
83
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:43,325
Well, gee, I wonder
how that happened.
84
00:04:44,701 --> 00:04:46,620
- Hello, Sam.
- Hello.
85
00:04:47,329 --> 00:04:49,498
Whoa, whoa, what're you doing?
Why are you sniffing like that?
86
00:04:51,750 --> 00:04:53,210
What's that?
87
00:04:53,376 --> 00:04:55,045
I told you, I had a book.
88
00:04:57,839 --> 00:04:59,674
The World and Its People.
89
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,301
This is surprising, Sam.
90
00:05:01,468 --> 00:05:03,887
You're reading a book whose
title doesn't contain the words
91
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:06,389
"naughty," "hot,"
or "throbbing?"
92
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:12,103
I told you, it's just
a book I'm reading.
93
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,356
It's not just a book.
It's a textbook.
94
00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:18,109
Are you back in school?
95
00:05:18,276 --> 00:05:20,779
Promise you won't tell anybody,
will you, please?
96
00:05:20,946 --> 00:05:23,406
Well, Sam, this is nothing
to keep secret.
97
00:05:23,573 --> 00:05:24,658
This is wonderful.
98
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,034
Why are you concealing it?
99
00:05:26,201 --> 00:05:27,828
Well, it's a little
embarrassing, you know.
100
00:05:27,994 --> 00:05:29,913
I mean, a guy my age
going back to school.
101
00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,665
It's not embarrassing.
102
00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,459
It's noble and fine and I think
it's very inspirational.
103
00:05:34,626 --> 00:05:35,794
Let's tell everyone!
104
00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,045
No, come on, come on,
come on.
105
00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:39,506
You know how the guys
will make fun of me. Don't...
106
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:43,677
Sam, no one enjoys teasing you
more than I do,
107
00:05:43,844 --> 00:05:45,512
and I refrained.
108
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:47,138
That's true.
109
00:05:47,305 --> 00:05:49,683
All right, what the hey,
let's do it. All right.
110
00:05:49,891 --> 00:05:51,226
I'm so proud of you.
111
00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:52,394
Yeah, thank you.
112
00:05:52,561 --> 00:05:53,770
Unless...
113
00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:56,106
Unless what?
114
00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:03,363
Sam, you're not doing this
to impress me and win me back,
115
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:04,990
are you?
116
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:09,619
No, no,
I'm doing it for my diploma.
117
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,121
Well, I hope so...
118
00:06:11,288 --> 00:06:13,832
Because if this is part
of some involved scheme
119
00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,834
to get me back in bed
with you,
120
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:18,378
you will be
very disappointed.
121
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:21,339
Mm, yeah, but you'll
enjoy yourself.
122
00:06:26,303 --> 00:06:27,554
Attention, everyone.
123
00:06:27,721 --> 00:06:29,598
I have an announcement to make.
124
00:06:29,764 --> 00:06:32,475
Someone
in our little Cheers family
125
00:06:32,642 --> 00:06:34,019
is doing something
to improve himself,
126
00:06:34,185 --> 00:06:35,812
and I want you all
to know about it.
127
00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,315
I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it, Carla.
128
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,567
You told Diane about my ear job,
didn't you?
129
00:06:42,110 --> 00:06:46,323
Clifford, Carla didn't
tell me anything.
130
00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:48,992
Uh, well, you were saying?
131
00:06:50,994 --> 00:06:53,914
After a rather lengthy
interruption,
132
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:55,999
Sam has decided to go
back to school
133
00:06:56,166 --> 00:06:57,500
and pursue his degree.
134
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,298
Bravo, Sam.
135
00:07:04,549 --> 00:07:06,092
You're getting your ears done,
man?
136
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,386
Nah, come on, Sammy,
where's your sense of humor?
137
00:07:08,553 --> 00:07:09,638
It was a joke.
138
00:07:09,804 --> 00:07:12,390
Will you forget about that?
139
00:07:12,557 --> 00:07:14,142
This is exciting news.
140
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:17,687
Our Sammy is going to attain
his Bachelor of what?
141
00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:19,272
Art? Sciences?
142
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,649
High school.
143
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:22,567
His Bachelor of--
High School?!
144
00:07:22,734 --> 00:07:23,818
What?
145
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:25,362
Yeah, I never graduated
from high school.
146
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,239
You know, my senior year,
147
00:07:28,406 --> 00:07:30,784
I got a contract
to play Class A ball.
148
00:07:30,951 --> 00:07:33,787
Spring training didn't start
until February,
149
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:35,622
and school didn't
get out until June.
150
00:07:38,583 --> 00:07:40,752
- High school.
- Yeah.
151
00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:44,255
I always promised my parents
I'd go back and finish.
152
00:07:44,422 --> 00:07:47,008
She was a lot happier
about this in the other room.
153
00:07:49,094 --> 00:07:53,598
I spent a year of my life
being defiled by Dobie Gillie.
154
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:59,062
I'm terribly sorry.
155
00:07:59,229 --> 00:08:02,399
I just assumed
you meant college.
156
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:04,442
Well, I plan to go
to college too.
157
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:05,944
Well, good.
158
00:08:06,111 --> 00:08:07,362
Let me know when you get there
159
00:08:07,529 --> 00:08:09,739
so I can go out of the house
without a veil.
160
00:08:12,158 --> 00:08:14,160
Hey, uh, Sam,
161
00:08:14,327 --> 00:08:16,913
what's a guy like you
want to go back to high school?
162
00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,290
I mean, you've got everything
a man could want,
163
00:08:19,457 --> 00:08:22,210
and you dumped the one thing
no man wants.
164
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:25,797
I guess I'm just tired
of being embarrassed
165
00:08:25,964 --> 00:08:27,382
about being a dropout.
166
00:08:27,549 --> 00:08:29,134
Oh, it's nothing to be ashamed of, Sam.
167
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,344
A lot of famous people never
graduated from high school.
168
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,138
Yeah, right. Name three, Norm.
169
00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:35,598
Well, according to
The Book of Lists, Sam,
170
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:37,726
let's see, Thomas Edison,
Noel Coward...
171
00:08:38,393 --> 00:08:40,562
Cher never graduated.
172
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:42,939
Cher?
173
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:45,859
Absolutely.
Never finished, Coach.
174
00:08:46,026 --> 00:08:48,528
Well, I feel
a lot better now, gee.
175
00:08:48,695 --> 00:08:50,280
Why?
You never finished either, huh?
176
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:55,118
No, I was missing a couple
of those whatchamacallits.
177
00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,119
Units?
178
00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:58,163
No, years, Diane.
179
00:08:58,329 --> 00:09:00,373
Do you think
it'd be a good idea
180
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,751
if I was going back
to school?
181
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:05,587
I think it's
a wonderful idea, Coach.
182
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:08,381
Since Sam is going anyway,
the two of you can go together.
183
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:10,216
Coach can make up the classes
he missed.
184
00:09:10,383 --> 00:09:11,468
What do you think, Sam?
185
00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:13,636
I think that I'm going to have
my hands full
186
00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,055
just getting me
through this class.
187
00:09:15,221 --> 00:09:16,556
Sam, it'll be fun.
188
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:17,932
You'll have someone
to study with.
189
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:21,227
Coach, Coach,
I'm just taking geography.
190
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:23,229
I mean, it's the last thing
I have to complete
191
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,689
so I can get my diploma.
192
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:26,232
Well, Sam, it would be--
193
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:28,318
It would only be a start
for me, you know.
194
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:31,071
As a matter of fact,
as I remember it now,
195
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,447
I was very good
in geography.
196
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:34,074
- Really?
- Yeah.
197
00:09:35,241 --> 00:09:36,785
Or was it geometry?
198
00:09:37,744 --> 00:09:40,330
Diane, give me a question
in geometry.
199
00:09:40,497 --> 00:09:42,499
What is the sum
of the angles
200
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:45,376
in an isosceles
triangle?
201
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,212
It was geography.
202
00:09:54,552 --> 00:09:55,470
Hey, everybody.
203
00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:56,679
Clifford.
204
00:09:56,846 --> 00:09:58,056
Diane.
205
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:03,478
Yeah, well, take your last look
at a flawed Clifford.
206
00:10:04,354 --> 00:10:06,481
Tomorrow I go under the knife.
207
00:10:06,648 --> 00:10:08,483
Why don't you just go
under the bus?
208
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,195
I'm talking about my operation,
Carla.
209
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,072
I'm going to have my ears
tucked back.
210
00:10:14,239 --> 00:10:16,157
Cliff, why don't you
save yourself some money
211
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:17,951
and just put some chewing gum
behind them?
212
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,370
That doesn't work.
213
00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:23,039
I mean, that probably
wouldn't work.
214
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:33,007
Da da da-da-da da
215
00:10:33,174 --> 00:10:35,009
Don't let me stop you.
You're on a roll.
216
00:10:35,176 --> 00:10:37,512
That's all right.
Those are the only words I know.
217
00:10:37,679 --> 00:10:40,223
You guys seem to be
in a good mood.
218
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:43,143
Oh, you noticed, huh?
219
00:10:43,309 --> 00:10:45,478
Well, we did great
on our test tonight.
220
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,689
Ah, you both passed, huh?
221
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:51,442
Passed?
We both got A's again.
222
00:10:51,651 --> 00:10:55,071
Once again, we got the two
highest grades in the class.
223
00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:57,115
Oh!
224
00:10:58,825 --> 00:11:01,411
Sam, listen, we going
to study together tonight?
225
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:04,122
Listen, this exam's
going to constitute
226
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:05,456
80% of our grades.
227
00:11:05,623 --> 00:11:06,749
Coach, come on,
228
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,002
what have I been telling you
all semester long, huh?
229
00:11:09,169 --> 00:11:10,920
Oh, I know, I know.
230
00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,423
Studying is for saps.
231
00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:15,425
That's right.
I'll be in my office.
232
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,385
What was the test about, Sam?
233
00:11:17,552 --> 00:11:19,053
I don't know.
I forget.
234
00:11:19,220 --> 00:11:20,513
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
235
00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:22,015
You got an A on this test,
236
00:11:22,182 --> 00:11:23,766
and you don't even know
what it covered?
237
00:11:23,933 --> 00:11:27,020
After a quiz, I like to
empty out my head.
238
00:11:27,187 --> 00:11:29,731
How? By blowing your nose?
239
00:11:29,898 --> 00:11:31,608
Got an A, didn't I?
240
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:37,697
Oh, Coach,
I am so impressed with you.
241
00:11:37,864 --> 00:11:39,824
Oh, thank you, Diane.
242
00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:42,744
Sam didn't seem to retain
much from the test.
243
00:11:42,911 --> 00:11:44,454
Yeah, but he does
just great.
244
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:46,039
I never realized
245
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:47,373
what a brain he is.
246
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:48,666
I study all the time.
247
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:52,212
He sleeps in the classroom,
he never takes a note,
248
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,172
and still he gets
the great grades.
249
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,257
No wonder he's
Miss Purdy's favorite.
250
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,098
Miss Purdy?
251
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:06,100
Yeah, our beautiful
schoolteacher.
252
00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:09,687
And Sam is her favorite?
253
00:12:09,854 --> 00:12:12,523
Well, uh, I can't say that,
254
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,235
but Sam's the only one
I ever saw her kiss.
255
00:12:18,404 --> 00:12:19,572
They kiss?
256
00:12:19,739 --> 00:12:23,117
Yeah, I saw them smooching
in the parking lot.
257
00:12:23,284 --> 00:12:26,454
I was putting up a notice there
on the bulletin board.
258
00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:30,583
With probing tongues?
259
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:37,257
No, Diane, with a thumbtack
and my thumb.
260
00:12:42,303 --> 00:12:44,514
I can't believe
he's sunk to these depths.
261
00:12:44,681 --> 00:12:48,434
I curse the day
I ever walked into this bar.
262
00:12:48,601 --> 00:12:50,478
Then it's unanimous.
263
00:13:00,738 --> 00:13:04,033
Sam Malone,
this is absolutely--
264
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:06,953
- The worst thing I've ever done.
- The worst thing you've--
265
00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:08,329
Wait a minute.
266
00:13:08,496 --> 00:13:10,206
You don't even know
what I'm going to say.
267
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:12,417
I just found out
that you have been sleeping--
268
00:13:12,583 --> 00:13:13,835
Sleeping with my teacher.
269
00:13:14,002 --> 00:13:15,420
That's right.
270
00:13:15,586 --> 00:13:17,255
And that's not the worst part of it.
271
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:18,506
She also has been giving you--
272
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:20,508
Good marks because of it.
273
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:23,594
Yes.
274
00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,805
Are you admitting
that you're doing this
275
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,265
and that you know it's wrong?
276
00:13:27,432 --> 00:13:28,933
Yeah, that's right.
277
00:13:29,100 --> 00:13:31,019
Oh, yeah?
278
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:33,438
Well, stop slouching.
279
00:13:34,397 --> 00:13:36,607
Look what's happened
to your posture.
280
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:37,608
What?
281
00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:39,694
I needed something.
282
00:13:40,987 --> 00:13:42,530
Gee, I, uh...
283
00:13:42,697 --> 00:13:44,324
The whole thing started
so innocently.
284
00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:46,034
I mean, I began dating her
285
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:49,203
because she was cute
and because we hit it off.
286
00:13:49,370 --> 00:13:50,580
I mean, I had no idea
287
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:53,624
that I was going to get
better marks because of it.
288
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:55,626
I just was after
some meaningless sex,
289
00:13:55,793 --> 00:13:58,755
and it's turned into
something sleazy.
290
00:13:58,921 --> 00:14:01,841
Well, you know the old saying,
291
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:04,594
"The best laid plans
of mice and scum..."
292
00:14:05,887 --> 00:14:08,264
Yeah, boy, ain't that the truth?
293
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,391
You know, I didn't realize
anything was wrong
294
00:14:10,558 --> 00:14:12,393
until I started getting
these quizzes back,
295
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:14,479
and instead of
marking off wrong answers,
296
00:14:14,645 --> 00:14:16,439
she'd say, "Close enough.
A plus."
297
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:23,988
It's a sad commentary
on our educational system
298
00:14:24,155 --> 00:14:25,573
when a harlot like this
299
00:14:25,740 --> 00:14:27,283
is allowed
in the public schools.
300
00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:29,285
If I remember correctly,
301
00:14:29,452 --> 00:14:32,789
when we met,
you were dating your professor?
302
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:34,707
For your information,
303
00:14:34,874 --> 00:14:38,086
I was a legitimate A student
in the classroom.
304
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:40,088
I never got good grades
in the sack.
305
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,673
Oh, don't worry. I always gave you
an E for effort, didn't I?
306
00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:48,596
Sam, I'm going to tell you
what you have to do.
307
00:14:48,763 --> 00:14:50,598
I know you won't like it,
but you have to--
308
00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:53,101
Call Miss Purdy and tell her
I want an honest grade.
309
00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:54,477
Call--
310
00:14:54,644 --> 00:14:56,979
Sit up straight!
311
00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:59,273
I can't do that, Diane.
312
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,650
I...
313
00:15:00,817 --> 00:15:02,485
I'm not prepared
to take the exam.
314
00:15:02,652 --> 00:15:05,905
Well, Coach will help you.
315
00:15:06,072 --> 00:15:10,576
Oh, Sam, you started out
with such noble intentions.
316
00:15:10,743 --> 00:15:12,829
I hate to see you end up
like this.
317
00:15:12,995 --> 00:15:15,289
Yeah, I know, you're right.
318
00:15:15,456 --> 00:15:17,291
Well, mayb--
right after I take the exam,
319
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:18,709
then I'll call her, okay?
320
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,381
Oh, come on, I...
321
00:15:26,092 --> 00:15:27,844
Maybe with Coach's help,
322
00:15:28,010 --> 00:15:29,929
I can get by.
323
00:15:36,310 --> 00:15:38,729
Hello, uh, Miss Purdy?
324
00:15:38,896 --> 00:15:41,065
It's little Sammy Malone
from the third row.
325
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:48,364
Yeah, uh, listen, Alana,
um, about school, uh...
326
00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:50,283
I had this crazy thought.
327
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,076
I'm even embarrassed
to mention it,
328
00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,162
but do you think that maybe
our relationship
329
00:15:54,328 --> 00:15:57,331
is in any way affecting
the marks I've been getting?
330
00:15:57,498 --> 00:16:01,919
You know, like making you
unconsciously change some of--
331
00:16:02,086 --> 00:16:04,005
What?
332
00:16:04,172 --> 00:16:05,339
You are?
333
00:16:05,923 --> 00:16:09,302
Well, that--that's nice,
but, what--?
334
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,220
Me?
335
00:16:11,387 --> 00:16:13,014
Uh, yeah, I'm naked too.
336
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:20,771
Sounds like we're ready
for the class photo.
337
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:23,900
No, no, there's no one here.
338
00:16:24,066 --> 00:16:26,068
It was an insect,
but I killed it.
339
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:28,404
Uh, listen,
340
00:16:28,571 --> 00:16:30,031
I'm serious about this.
341
00:16:30,198 --> 00:16:32,700
I would like my grade
to be based
342
00:16:32,867 --> 00:16:35,328
on my knowledge of geography.
343
00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:36,787
No, I mean it.
344
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:40,208
Did I say
something funny?
345
00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:43,211
Yeah, well, when you see
the results of my tests,
346
00:16:43,377 --> 00:16:44,712
you're going to be laughing
347
00:16:44,879 --> 00:16:46,589
out the other side
of your hemisphere.
348
00:16:46,756 --> 00:16:47,798
Well, if you'll excuse me now,
349
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,509
I've got some studying to do.
350
00:16:49,675 --> 00:16:51,135
Whoa!
351
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:55,264
Is there anything in particular
I should cram?
352
00:16:55,431 --> 00:16:56,933
All right.
Okay, but just remember,
353
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,268
I gave you that one
as a going-away present.
354
00:16:59,435 --> 00:17:03,314
Boy, that lady has got
a mean mouth on her
355
00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:05,107
for a 73-year-old.
356
00:17:05,274 --> 00:17:07,360
I was joking.
I was joking.
357
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:08,861
Hey, Coach.
358
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:10,571
Where's Coach?
359
00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:12,365
Uh, he's in the back there, Sam.
What's wrong?
360
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,533
Nothing.
361
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,117
I've just got to study
for this exam.
362
00:17:15,284 --> 00:17:16,285
It's kind of important.
363
00:17:16,452 --> 00:17:18,079
Well, I'd be happy
to help you study, Sam.
364
00:17:18,246 --> 00:17:19,830
Yeah, I'd be more
than proud to assist.
365
00:17:19,997 --> 00:17:22,250
Are you kidding me?
You guys can't help me.
366
00:17:22,416 --> 00:17:24,043
You know squat
about geography.
367
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,253
Coach...
368
00:17:25,419 --> 00:17:27,255
Hey, good.
Could you help me study?
369
00:17:27,421 --> 00:17:28,714
We've got to start studying
right now.
370
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:30,925
I thought you didn't need
anybody to study, Sam.
371
00:17:31,092 --> 00:17:32,468
Well, he does now, Coach.
372
00:17:32,635 --> 00:17:35,012
While you were earning
your good grades with hard work,
373
00:17:35,179 --> 00:17:37,598
Sam was earning his
by dating the teacher.
374
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,600
- Well, is that true, Sam?
- Uh, yeah,
375
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,270
but I've wiped the slate clean
here, Coach.
376
00:17:42,436 --> 00:17:44,564
Whatever I get now,
I have to earn,
377
00:17:44,730 --> 00:17:46,566
so please help me
cram for the test, will you?
378
00:17:46,732 --> 00:17:49,944
You mean all semester long,
379
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:52,613
I've been wearing
my buns to the bone
380
00:17:52,780 --> 00:17:55,866
while you've been polishing
the teacher's apple?
381
00:17:57,577 --> 00:17:58,995
Come on, Coach.
382
00:17:59,161 --> 00:18:00,997
I want to get my diploma,
383
00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:03,040
and you know that whatever
I get on this exam
384
00:18:03,207 --> 00:18:04,834
is my grade for the class.
385
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:07,753
Find yourself another sap
to study with.
386
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,714
Hey, come on, Coach.
387
00:18:09,880 --> 00:18:11,257
No way. I'm going.
388
00:18:12,174 --> 00:18:14,385
Oh, my God.
I need help.
389
00:18:14,552 --> 00:18:18,139
Carla, what do you
know about geography?
390
00:18:18,306 --> 00:18:21,350
I know what creek you're up.
391
00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:26,647
Hey, uh, guys,
392
00:18:26,814 --> 00:18:29,859
would--would you help me study
for this quiz?
393
00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:31,736
I mean, maybe
you could just, you know,
394
00:18:31,902 --> 00:18:33,946
go over the facts with me
or something?
395
00:18:34,113 --> 00:18:35,823
Oh, uh, I don't know.
396
00:18:35,990 --> 00:18:37,950
I'm sorry, Sam, I think
we're too dumb to help,
397
00:18:38,117 --> 00:18:40,036
don't you, Norm?
398
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:42,288
I didn't even understand
the question, Cliff ie.
399
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,207
I'd like to go home,
I think I'll go home.
400
00:18:45,374 --> 00:18:46,500
Okey-dokey.
401
00:18:46,667 --> 00:18:50,004
Yup, yup.
Left, right.
402
00:18:50,171 --> 00:18:52,798
Left, right.
Left, right.
403
00:18:52,965 --> 00:18:54,300
Right, right.
404
00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:57,887
I can't even do that.
405
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,350
Let's go home,
Norm.
406
00:19:04,518 --> 00:19:07,146
I guess that just leaves
you and me, huh?
407
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:10,149
Oh, dear, Sam.
408
00:19:10,316 --> 00:19:12,485
This is a problem.
409
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,862
Frasier and I have tickets
410
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:18,324
for a piece
of experimental theater tonight.
411
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:20,201
I feel obligated to go,
412
00:19:20,368 --> 00:19:24,163
because the last act takes place
in Frasier's living room.
413
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:28,876
Well, I'd hate to have you
miss that.
414
00:19:29,043 --> 00:19:32,463
Sam, if you want me
to cancel out,
415
00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:33,714
I will.
416
00:19:33,881 --> 00:19:36,050
No, it's too late.
You can't help me.
417
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,094
I'm going to fail
this exam.
418
00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:42,139
Gee, I wonder if
Miss Purdy's still naked.
419
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:44,058
No...
420
00:19:44,225 --> 00:19:46,602
Okay, Sam, I'll help you.
421
00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:50,690
You're always messing up,
and I'm always bailing you out.
422
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:54,110
You'll mess it up
and I bail you out.
423
00:19:54,276 --> 00:19:55,319
It's getting a little boring.
424
00:19:55,486 --> 00:19:57,905
- I'm telling you...
- Thanks, Coach.
425
00:19:58,072 --> 00:20:00,199
Don't you think it's getting
a little boring, Sam?
426
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:01,617
Yes, Coach.
427
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,912
Well, the only thing I can say
is that Sam's very lucky
428
00:20:05,079 --> 00:20:06,789
to have such a forgiving friend
as you, Coach.
429
00:20:06,956 --> 00:20:07,957
Thank you, Diane.
430
00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:09,125
Good night, guys.
431
00:20:09,291 --> 00:20:10,292
Now, Sam,
432
00:20:10,459 --> 00:20:13,963
you can learn
about anything in this world
433
00:20:14,130 --> 00:20:16,382
if you just
follow my little trick.
434
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:17,466
Got it?
435
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:18,843
- Mm-hm.
- All right.
436
00:20:19,009 --> 00:20:20,344
Albania.
437
00:20:20,511 --> 00:20:22,471
Here, Albania.
438
00:20:22,638 --> 00:20:24,306
Or...
439
00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:25,725
should we say...
440
00:20:25,891 --> 00:20:27,810
Albania
441
00:20:29,478 --> 00:20:30,938
Why'd you say it like that?
442
00:20:31,105 --> 00:20:32,773
We learn our facts
443
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:36,777
by associating countries
with music.
444
00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:38,821
Why?
445
00:20:38,988 --> 00:20:41,031
Do you want to study alone?
446
00:20:41,198 --> 00:20:42,616
No. No. No.
447
00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:43,868
All right.
448
00:20:44,034 --> 00:20:46,245
One, two, three...
449
00:20:46,412 --> 00:20:49,373
Albania
450
00:20:49,540 --> 00:20:51,876
Albania
451
00:20:52,042 --> 00:20:57,465
You border on the Adriatic
452
00:20:57,631 --> 00:21:03,012
Your land is mostly mountainous
453
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:08,142
And your chief export is chrome
454
00:21:08,309 --> 00:21:12,104
You're a communist republic,
You're a Red regime
455
00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:14,440
Sing it, Sam.
456
00:21:16,400 --> 00:21:17,318
Ready?
457
00:21:17,485 --> 00:21:20,654
Albania
458
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,448
Albania
459
00:21:22,615 --> 00:21:27,411
You border on the Adriatic...
460
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:32,833
Cliff ie, I thought you were gonna
get your ears done today.
461
00:21:33,000 --> 00:21:36,420
Well, you know, I decided
this is the way God made me,
462
00:21:36,587 --> 00:21:39,048
and, you know, who am I
to question his judgment?
463
00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:40,674
You were wrong
464
00:21:40,841 --> 00:21:42,635
about the insurance company
covering it, huh?
465
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:44,887
Mostly that.
466
00:21:46,764 --> 00:21:51,185
Taiwan, Taiwan on the sea
467
00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:53,187
The China Sea
468
00:21:53,354 --> 00:21:54,605
Hey, listen up, everybody.
469
00:21:54,772 --> 00:22:00,069
I got an A on the test and
the best grades in the class.
470
00:22:04,740 --> 00:22:06,033
How did you do, Sam?
471
00:22:06,200 --> 00:22:08,702
Well, I got nosed out by Coach.
I got a D.
472
00:22:08,869 --> 00:22:14,375
Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Malone
is now a high school graduate.
473
00:22:14,542 --> 00:22:15,584
Yes!
474
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,506
Congratulations.
475
00:22:20,673 --> 00:22:22,007
For what?
476
00:22:22,174 --> 00:22:23,801
You passed.
477
00:22:23,968 --> 00:22:25,553
Yeah, a D as in "dumb."
478
00:22:25,719 --> 00:22:28,180
A D as in "diploma."
479
00:22:28,347 --> 00:22:31,225
An honest D is better
than a tainted A.
480
00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:34,395
Mm, boy, I tell you,
I may have my diploma,
481
00:22:34,562 --> 00:22:37,147
but I sure feel
dumber than ever.
482
00:22:37,314 --> 00:22:40,276
Oh, I studied myself
hoarse for that exam,
483
00:22:40,442 --> 00:22:42,152
and still I got a D.
484
00:22:42,319 --> 00:22:44,113
Oh, Sam, you only had
one night to study.
485
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,156
Ah, it wouldn't have made
any difference.
486
00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:47,658
My brain doesn't work
like yours does.
487
00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:49,326
I can't learn things.
488
00:22:49,493 --> 00:22:54,498
Sam, some people may be
better students than others,
489
00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:56,709
but you have
street smarts, savvy...
490
00:22:56,876 --> 00:22:58,002
Common sense.
491
00:22:58,168 --> 00:22:59,295
That's right.
492
00:22:59,461 --> 00:23:01,630
Just because you may not
be able to remember
493
00:23:01,797 --> 00:23:03,966
that Pierre is the capital
of North Dakota
494
00:23:04,133 --> 00:23:05,801
doesn't mean that
you should feel at all--
495
00:23:05,968 --> 00:23:08,304
Wait a minute.
Say that again.
496
00:23:08,470 --> 00:23:10,097
What?
497
00:23:10,264 --> 00:23:11,682
The capital
of North Dakota.
498
00:23:11,849 --> 00:23:13,392
Pierre.
499
00:23:13,559 --> 00:23:15,603
No, it isn't.
It's Bismarck.
500
00:23:15,769 --> 00:23:17,771
Oh. Pierre's South Dak--
501
00:23:17,938 --> 00:23:19,315
Oh, what difference
does it make?
502
00:23:19,481 --> 00:23:21,483
The point is that you have
earned your dip--
503
00:23:21,650 --> 00:23:23,819
Pierre?
504
00:23:23,986 --> 00:23:25,529
I can't believe this.
505
00:23:25,696 --> 00:23:28,073
North Dakota?
Pierre?
506
00:23:28,240 --> 00:23:29,325
Hey, hey,
507
00:23:29,491 --> 00:23:31,660
listen to this for a second.
Go on, tell 'em.
508
00:23:31,827 --> 00:23:33,412
I was just making
an illustration.
509
00:23:33,579 --> 00:23:34,580
Coach, Coach,
510
00:23:34,747 --> 00:23:36,457
what's the capital
of North Dakota?
511
00:23:36,624 --> 00:23:37,666
Easy. Bismarck.
512
00:23:37,833 --> 00:23:39,752
She thinks it's Pierre.
513
00:23:41,211 --> 00:23:43,297
All right, I may have
514
00:23:43,464 --> 00:23:45,925
inadvertently
switched the two.
515
00:23:46,091 --> 00:23:48,177
Oregon. Give me
the capital of Oregon.
516
00:23:48,344 --> 00:23:49,470
Portland.
517
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:51,096
No, it isn't.
It's Eugene.
518
00:23:51,263 --> 00:23:52,765
Oh, I--I knew that.
I knew that.
519
00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:54,475
It just slipped my mind
for a second.
520
00:23:54,642 --> 00:23:55,851
No, it isn't Eugene.
It's Salem.
521
00:23:58,395 --> 00:23:59,855
Do you believe this?
522
00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:08,238
If ignorance is bliss,
this is Eden.