1
00:00:01,793 --> 00:00:04,630
Cheers <i>is filmed
before a live studio audience.</i>

2
00:00:06,131 --> 00:00:08,675
- Chekhov.
- No. No, Norm, Ibsen. It was Ibsen.

3
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:10,010
I tell you, it was Chekhov, Cliff ie.

4
00:00:10,177 --> 00:00:11,929
I can remember what it was.
It was <i>The Cherry Orchard.</i>

5
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:14,806
You're full of it, Norm. It was Ibsen.
It was <i>The Master Builder.</i>

6
00:00:14,973 --> 00:00:16,850
Chekhov. It was Chekhov,
I'm telling you.

7
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- Ibsen, Ibsen, Ibsen.
- Chekhov, Chekhov, Chekhov.

8
00:00:20,354 --> 00:00:22,773
Excuse me. I don't mean
to stop you by any means,

9
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:26,985
but you are talking about
Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen?

10
00:00:27,152 --> 00:00:29,863
Of course, we're talking about
Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen.

11
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:33,534
- Now, Cliff ie, listen to me on this one.
- This is wonderful.

12
00:00:33,700 --> 00:00:36,453
Perhaps I might be of some assistance.

13
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:40,499
I would love, in some small way,
to contribute to your literary inquiry.

14
00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:43,335
- Well, I suppose she can help, huh?
- Please, please.

15
00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:46,046
- Oh, yeah. If anybody can, you can.
- I'd like to think so.

16
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,673
- Really?
- Yeah. Okay, all right.

17
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,466
What were you watching
on TV that night

18
00:00:49,633 --> 00:00:51,635
that Norm stuffed his face
full of cheese doodles

19
00:00:51,802 --> 00:00:53,387
and whistled <i>The Way We Were?</i>

20
00:00:56,390 --> 00:00:57,849
Ibsen...

21
00:00:58,016 --> 00:01:00,561
and it was taco chips.

22
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- Pay up. Let's go.
- All right, all right.

23
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:07,067
Now that I think of it, I guess it was
Chekhov and cheese doodles

24
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the night Artie Sullivan tried to prove
he could comb his hair with his feet.

25
00:01:10,862 --> 00:01:12,739
Yeah, you're on thin ice

26
00:01:12,906 --> 00:01:15,325
arguing the classics
with me there, Buckaroo.

27
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,862
Hey, Sammy, long time.

28
00:02:34,071 --> 00:02:36,406
Hey, yeah, it has been a long time.
How've you been?

29
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,284
- Oh, about the same. And you?
- Well, you know me. I never change.

30
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:41,411
- What'll you have, huh?
- I'll have my usual.

31
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- Are you still drinking that stuff?
- Yeah.

32
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Who is that guy?

33
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:49,169
- I don't know. He's your friend.
- No. I've never seen him before.

34
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Any of you guys know that guy?

35
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:53,006
No. Trust me, Sam. The man's never
been in this place before.

36
00:02:53,173 --> 00:02:54,633
I'm very good at placing faces.

37
00:02:54,841 --> 00:02:57,928
Yeah? Then place yours
where we can't see it.

38
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Boy...

39
00:03:00,514 --> 00:03:02,349
I wish Coach were here.
He'd know who he was.

40
00:03:02,641 --> 00:03:04,017
Where is the Coach?

41
00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:06,311
He went to get
his driver's license renewed.

42
00:03:06,478 --> 00:03:07,979
He'll be back next week.

43
00:03:10,482 --> 00:03:12,693
- What's taking him so long?
- He went up to Vermont.

44
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,569
He heard the test
was a lot easier up there.

45
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,699
Sam, why don't you just ask this man
what his name is?

46
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,993
Better one minute of embarrassment
than making a fool of yourself.

47
00:03:22,244 --> 00:03:24,496
No, too easy.

48
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:26,081
I can handle this.

49
00:03:26,248 --> 00:03:28,834
You know how good I am
at thinking on my feet.

50
00:03:29,501 --> 00:03:32,587
Well, I have seen you
add and subtract on them.

51
00:03:33,338 --> 00:03:35,549
Subtraction must kind of hurt, huh?

52
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,592
Watch and learn.

53
00:03:38,009 --> 00:03:40,220
Hey, instead of your usual,

54
00:03:40,387 --> 00:03:42,889
I thought you might like
a Manhattan here, huh?

55
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:46,017
- Well, Manhattan is my usual.
- Gotcha.

56
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,853
Oh, I get it.

57
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,897
- Yeah, how's work doing, huh?
- Oh, fine.

58
00:03:51,189 --> 00:03:52,733
Yeah, you still work
in the same place?

59
00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:54,776
What was the name of that?
It's got a real funny name.

60
00:03:55,110 --> 00:03:57,738
- My house.
- My House. Right.

61
00:03:58,029 --> 00:03:59,698
Yeah, I still get a kick out of that.

62
00:04:00,031 --> 00:04:04,494
Yeah, I'm still working the same
crummy job stuffing envelopes,

63
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,329
but I'm glad you find that funny.

64
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:10,917
I didn't mean funny in the--
In the humorous sense.

65
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:13,962
I meant funny more in the...
Who the hell are you?

66
00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:16,757
I'm Eddie Gordon.

67
00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:18,550
Eddie-- Eddie Gordon?

68
00:04:19,342 --> 00:04:21,636
- I don't know who Eddie Gordon is.
- Well, you should.

69
00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:24,014
About a year ago,
you bet me your bar

70
00:04:24,181 --> 00:04:25,724
that you could marry
Jacqueline Bisset

71
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:27,225
by midnight tomorrow.

72
00:04:27,392 --> 00:04:30,604
I bet-- Oh, come on.
Who the hell would...

73
00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:33,148
Oh, Eddie Gordon.

74
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:36,777
How the hell you doing, Eddie?

75
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,905
- Is it coming back to you, Sam?
- Yeah, yeah. I'm a little hazy...

76
00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:43,825
Afraid I had
a few too many that night.

77
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,036
No, no, you had
a lot too many that night.

78
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:48,997
Well, I was going through
a pretty rough period.

79
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:52,918
So how are you and Jackie
getting along?

80
00:04:53,210 --> 00:04:56,087
You know, I felt a little slighted
when I wasn't invited to the wedding.

81
00:04:57,464 --> 00:04:59,758
Boy, I must have been
drinking tequila, huh?

82
00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:03,637
Yeah, I always want Jacqueline Bisset
when I drink tequila.

83
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:07,140
But I bet
you don't always write it down,

84
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,934
signing your name
in front of witnesses.

85
00:05:10,393 --> 00:05:14,272
- Did that too, huh?
- Yeah. Keep it. It's a copy.

86
00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:19,319
Hey, listen,
this was obviously a joke, Eddie.

87
00:05:19,736 --> 00:05:21,488
Come on, now. I'm no expert,

88
00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:24,699
but I know a little bit about the law,
and this sounds like a crock, pal.

89
00:05:24,866 --> 00:05:26,743
There's no way
you'll ever own this bar.

90
00:05:26,952 --> 00:05:30,288
Well, when I take over, I'm thinking
of serving free chicken wings.

91
00:05:30,664 --> 00:05:32,040
Sorry, Sam, the law's the law.

92
00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:37,504
What do you think of those
little meatballs? You know, those...

93
00:05:37,671 --> 00:05:39,548
Get a Sterno flame...

94
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,801
You know, I don't want you
to take this personally, Eddie,

95
00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:47,472
- but as a drinking partner, you stink.
- Well, sorry you feel that way, Sam.

96
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:50,559
Look, I'll see you
tomorrow at midnight...

97
00:05:50,725 --> 00:05:53,854
- when the bar becomes mine.
- Have you thought about serving

98
00:05:54,020 --> 00:05:56,106
those little crab puffs?
They've very popular.

99
00:05:56,273 --> 00:05:58,191
Yes. Melville's has a recipe
with a mustard sauce.

100
00:05:58,525 --> 00:06:01,027
You know, listen,
if you're serious about this,

101
00:06:01,194 --> 00:06:04,322
- you don't have a leg to stand on.
- Most snakes don't.

102
00:06:04,531 --> 00:06:05,782
Well, we'll find out in court.

103
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:08,451
Yeah, my attorney,
he's looked it over

104
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:10,412
and he says we got a shot.

105
00:06:10,579 --> 00:06:12,038
And Sam, don't get so upset.

106
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,040
You're still going to have your job.

107
00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:15,876
I'm going to need a bartender.

108
00:06:20,046 --> 00:06:22,966
You actually went out drinking
with that man?

109
00:06:23,133 --> 00:06:26,136
That's not the worst of it.
I think I picked up the bill.

110
00:06:28,096 --> 00:06:30,265
This has got to be a joke,
doesn't it?

111
00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:33,393
Hey, why don't you let an attorney
take a look at that, huh, Sam?

112
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,520
Do you know of one?
Or have you finally passed

113
00:06:35,687 --> 00:06:39,065
the Massachusetts bar
under the rarely used pity clause?

114
00:06:40,650 --> 00:06:42,903
You know, when I pass
my bar exam, Cliff,

115
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:44,946
you're going to eat your words.

116
00:06:45,113 --> 00:06:46,990
Yeah, if I've got any teeth left.

117
00:06:47,657 --> 00:06:51,828
All right, all right, what do think there,
Mr. Witless for the Prosecution?

118
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,915
Well, it appears that you
and Eddie Gordon

119
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:57,709
signed an agreement which
may or may not be binding.

120
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,086
Tom, knock off the legalese,
will you?

121
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,589
Talk to us in a language
we can understand here.

122
00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:05,717
You want to trust me here, Sam?
This thing will never hold up.

123
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,427
You were drunk at the time, right?

124
00:07:07,594 --> 00:07:09,930
And besides, it's not a contract.
It's a wager.

125
00:07:10,096 --> 00:07:11,640
You're going to win this case easy.

126
00:07:11,973 --> 00:07:13,350
- Tom's right.
- Thank you.

127
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:14,935
Let this Eddie press his case.

128
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:18,229
We'll engage an excellent lawyer
and make a monkey out of that man.

129
00:07:18,396 --> 00:07:19,773
Oh, boy...

130
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:21,316
What? What's wrong?

131
00:07:21,566 --> 00:07:23,902
If you don't trust Tom,
get a second opinion.

132
00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:25,278
Yeah.

133
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,782
No, I--
I can't let Eddie take me to court.

134
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,659
Why not?

135
00:07:30,825 --> 00:07:33,411
I'd have to stand up and testify
that I was drunk

136
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,246
and made an idiot out of myself.

137
00:07:36,873 --> 00:07:38,917
- You're worried about the publicity?
- Yeah.

138
00:07:39,209 --> 00:07:41,211
I mean, the press
wasn't exactly kind to me

139
00:07:41,378 --> 00:07:43,964
when I drank myself out of baseball.

140
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:47,092
I'd almost rather lose the bar
than go through that humiliation again.

141
00:07:47,968 --> 00:07:49,803
Oh, Sam.

142
00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:53,556
Quit acting human. It confuses me.

143
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,768
I don't suppose
you could just go ahead

144
00:07:56,935 --> 00:07:59,354
- and marry her, could you?
- Oh, yeah.

145
00:07:59,521 --> 00:08:03,316
Find, meet, woo Jacqueline Bisset
in two days?

146
00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:05,902
No, it'd take at least a week.

147
00:08:06,194 --> 00:08:09,489
Are you kidding? Are you kidding me?
Five working days tops, Sam.

148
00:08:09,698 --> 00:08:11,366
Hey, wait, I got an idea.

149
00:08:11,574 --> 00:08:15,662
You mean you've actually
conceived something besides a child?

150
00:08:17,914 --> 00:08:21,668
A bitter and unprovoked attack.
I like it.

151
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:25,088
- What? What have you got?
- Sam, this thing here,

152
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,549
it doesn't say anything
about having to marry

153
00:08:27,757 --> 00:08:30,301
the Jacqueline Bisset
the movie actress.

154
00:08:30,468 --> 00:08:33,388
There's got to be more than one
Jacqueline Bisset in the world.

155
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:36,224
Marry one of those, win the bet,
and get a quick divorce.

156
00:08:36,391 --> 00:08:38,685
Eddie won't be able to say a thing.

157
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:43,106
You mean all I have to do
is find another Jacqueline Bisset

158
00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:46,401
and marry her by tomorrow night?
Oh, it can't be that simple.

159
00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:50,113
- Sam--
- Hush, hush, hush, I'm thinking.

160
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:52,699
Someone note the date
and the time.

161
00:08:54,492 --> 00:08:55,785
Guys, you've got to help me here.

162
00:08:55,952 --> 00:08:58,121
We've got to call information
all over the country.

163
00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,749
Yeah, well, Sammy,
I think I can already help you out there.

164
00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,625
At home, I happen
to have the phone books

165
00:09:02,792 --> 00:09:04,586
of every major metropolitan area
in the country.

166
00:09:04,753 --> 00:09:06,671
- Why?
- Well, I'm just one of those people

167
00:09:06,838 --> 00:09:10,008
- who collects phone book cover art.
- One of those.

168
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,010
Well, this is going to be fun.
We'll divide them up,

169
00:09:12,177 --> 00:09:13,595
we'll call all over the country,

170
00:09:13,762 --> 00:09:15,388
and find anybody
with the last name "Bisset,"

171
00:09:15,555 --> 00:09:17,432
ask them if they have a relative
named "Jacqueline,"

172
00:09:17,599 --> 00:09:20,769
and then talk them into coming up
to Boston. Are you with me?

173
00:09:28,401 --> 00:09:30,862
- So much for the sun belt.
- Norm!

174
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:34,783
Norm, you philistine. You just put
a fold in <i>Sunrise Over Albuquerque.</i>

175
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,743
Hey, boys, boys, boys...

176
00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:39,996
I would have thought there'd be
a few Jacqueline Bissets around.

177
00:09:40,163 --> 00:09:41,581
It can't be that uncommon a name.

178
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,417
Sam, I've got a Jacqueline Bisset
on the phone.

179
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,127
- Pay dirt.
- She sounds real sweet.

180
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:47,587
There's just one catch.

181
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:51,132
She's 93:
She lives in a rest home in Maine.

182
00:09:51,674 --> 00:09:53,510
- So is she married?
- I didn't ask.

183
00:09:53,676 --> 00:09:55,678
- Well, ask.
- Are you married?

184
00:09:58,181 --> 00:09:59,682
Got a 94-year-old husband.

185
00:09:59,849 --> 00:10:01,810
Been married 73 years.

186
00:10:02,685 --> 00:10:04,104
Happy years?

187
00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,024
Sammy?

188
00:10:08,191 --> 00:10:10,819
Sam, just talked to a man
in Green Bank, West Virginia.

189
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:12,987
He's got a granddaughter
named Jacqueline Bisset,

190
00:10:13,154 --> 00:10:15,031
26 years old and unmarried.

191
00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:17,575
- That's great. Let me talk to her.
- No, I already did.

192
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:19,869
Jackie'll be here tomorrow morning.

193
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:23,373
- How'd you do it?
- A little ingenuity, you know.

194
00:10:23,540 --> 00:10:27,377
I-- I told her she won a trip to Boston
in a radio game show.

195
00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:28,670
Yeah, so once she gets here,

196
00:10:28,837 --> 00:10:30,713
all you have to do is
convince her to marry you.

197
00:10:30,880 --> 00:10:34,092
- I could kiss you, man.
- Well, yeah, you can, but I warn you,

198
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:36,594
you're not going to get anywhere.

199
00:10:38,388 --> 00:10:41,266
Yeah, well, I offered her
a few prizes too, Sam,

200
00:10:41,432 --> 00:10:44,352
- you know, to induce her to come up.
- Yeah, that's fine. Like what?

201
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,312
Free round-trip airfare, first class,

202
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:50,233
suite at the Ritz, free historical tour,
a matched set of luggage, you know.

203
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,152
Why didn't you just offer her
a car, Cliff?

204
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:54,237
Well, I did,
but she took the cash instead.

205
00:10:55,572 --> 00:10:56,781
Only kidding, Sammy.

206
00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:58,366
The point is she'll be here.

207
00:10:58,616 --> 00:11:02,579
You're right. You're right,
my problems are over.

208
00:11:02,745 --> 00:11:05,290
Sam, aren't you forgetting
one important step?

209
00:11:05,456 --> 00:11:08,251
- What?
- You still have to get her to marry you.

210
00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:11,963
Well, it's no problem.
As soon as I get her face-to-face,

211
00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,632
she'll fall
under the old Sammy spell.

212
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:15,884
Oh, you killer.

213
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:19,596
Sam Malone,
your vanity knows no bounds.

214
00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:24,100
All the same, I guess I ought to wear
something kind of nice. My best outfit.

215
00:11:24,434 --> 00:11:27,478
Say, Diane, when you dream of me,
what am I wearing?

216
00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:29,397
An ant hill.

217
00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:42,577
Congratulations, Coach.

218
00:11:42,785 --> 00:11:45,788
I mean, all the weeks of cramming,
burning the midnight oil,

219
00:11:45,955 --> 00:11:48,708
and drilling with your friends.
You know, I mean, it's all paid off.

220
00:11:48,875 --> 00:11:51,961
We're proud of you.
Yeah, all right. Take care.

221
00:11:52,212 --> 00:11:55,340
- Coach passed his driver's test?
- No, he found Vermont.

222
00:11:59,302 --> 00:12:01,804
So when's your ex-wife-to-be
to be here?

223
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:03,598
She's supposed to be here now.

224
00:12:03,806 --> 00:12:06,226
Cliff was supposed to pick her
up at the airport two hours ago.

225
00:12:06,392 --> 00:12:09,020
- Are you all ready for her?
- I-- I don't know. What do you think?

226
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:12,065
Yes. Any girl would jump
at the chance to marry you.

227
00:12:12,482 --> 00:12:15,610
Sam, there is one problem,
however.

228
00:12:15,818 --> 00:12:19,948
I believe I detect a hint of fresh air
cutting through your cologne.

229
00:12:20,323 --> 00:12:21,783
You're kidding.

230
00:12:22,992 --> 00:12:26,162
Must have missed a couple
of important pulse points, huh?

231
00:12:26,329 --> 00:12:28,248
All right. Thank you.

232
00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:32,001
Well, this is Cheers, Miss Bisset,
and that's Sam Malone.

233
00:12:33,378 --> 00:12:35,713
Well, he is good-looking.

234
00:12:35,964 --> 00:12:38,716
The bad news is he talks.

235
00:12:39,425 --> 00:12:42,178
Sammy, Jackie Bisset.
Miss Bisset, Sam Malone.

236
00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:44,806
Oh, boy. Thank you for coming.
Thank you for coming.

237
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,267
Cliff, why don't you
set those bags down right here?

238
00:12:47,433 --> 00:12:49,269
Why don't you come sit
by the bar here?

239
00:12:49,435 --> 00:12:51,020
Listen, did...?

240
00:12:51,187 --> 00:12:55,066
- Did Cliff explain why we need you?
- Yes, he did,

241
00:12:55,233 --> 00:12:58,027
and I'm not marrying anybody,
except in the usual way

242
00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,697
where the groom
isn't a total stranger.

243
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,865
Well, I understand that.
I understand that.

244
00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:04,951
But this isn't really
like a real marriage. I mean,

245
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:07,370
it's just for a few hours
until I win a bet,

246
00:13:07,537 --> 00:13:08,955
then we'll get it annulled tomorrow.

247
00:13:09,122 --> 00:13:11,207
No fuss, no muss.
Hey, listen, I'll tell you what.

248
00:13:11,374 --> 00:13:13,501
Why don't you just consider it
a warm-up for the real thing?

249
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:17,505
No. I'm sorry.
I'm just not interested.

250
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,091
Listen, I almost didn't make this trip

251
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:22,719
when I thought it was
a legitimate contest.

252
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:26,973
But I said to myself,
"Now, Jackie Bisset, nothing like this

253
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:31,811
is ever going to happen to you again."
And so I kissed my dog, Smiley,

254
00:13:31,978 --> 00:13:35,523
and waved goodbye to my Pa,
and here I am.

255
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,650
Knock it off.

256
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:41,821
You don't talk like that.

257
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:47,035
Listen, I know this whole thing's
been handled in a very stupid way,

258
00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:50,747
I mean, it's ridiculous,
but I really am in a jam here.

259
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:54,083
I'll tell you what, you know,
we promised you a guided tour.

260
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:57,253
Why don't I take you for a ride
around the city, show you the sights,

261
00:13:57,420 --> 00:14:01,257
and I'll explain my whole story here.
I know just the place to start too--

262
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:04,510
City Hall. Very historic,
and we could get a marriage license.

263
00:14:05,470 --> 00:14:08,056
- I really don't think so. No.
- Come on.

264
00:14:08,389 --> 00:14:09,766
What's holding you up here?

265
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:12,685
You have a chance to help one
of the greatest guys in the world.

266
00:14:12,894 --> 00:14:14,562
I barely know him.

267
00:14:14,771 --> 00:14:16,689
Well, let me fill you in.

268
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,484
Anybody here would do
anything for this guy.

269
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:20,818
- Well...
- Right?

270
00:14:21,110 --> 00:14:22,737
- Right.
- Exactly.

271
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:26,616
Look, look, look.
Just hear him out.

272
00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:28,993
Please. All right?

273
00:14:30,161 --> 00:14:34,332
Well, I never have been to Boston.
I always wanted to see it.

274
00:14:36,042 --> 00:14:37,377
Well, I'll tell you what,

275
00:14:37,543 --> 00:14:40,755
you tell me your story,
and I'll think about it.

276
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,091
You've got a deal.
You're going to love this,

277
00:14:43,257 --> 00:14:45,468
the Sam Malone Pre-Nuptial Tour.

278
00:14:45,635 --> 00:14:49,180
We'll start off
with the USS <i>Constitution,</i>

279
00:14:49,347 --> 00:14:51,307
then we'll go
to the old North Church,

280
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,726
Paul Revere's house,
and then we'll top it off

281
00:14:53,893 --> 00:14:56,312
with the traditional
Boston blood test.

282
00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:01,526
All those places
are right here in Boston, huh?

283
00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:03,945
Yes, Norman.

284
00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:07,407
This town is a veritable treasure trove
of historical monuments.

285
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,034
That's really something.

286
00:15:10,201 --> 00:15:11,911
And thousands of people
flock to Boston

287
00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,871
just to see all those sights

288
00:15:14,080 --> 00:15:16,457
and soak up a lot
of American heritage,

289
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:20,253
and I sit here in a bar
night after night guzzling beer.

290
00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:24,132
- Sad, isn't it?
- Yeah...

291
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,634
but, hey, no one's forcing them.

292
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:38,521
My, it's getting late.

293
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:41,899
Yeah. Sammy must be having
a hard time talking Jackie into it.

294
00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:44,527
Yes, and if he doesn't get back
in a year,

295
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:46,487
his cologne will wear off.

296
00:15:47,321 --> 00:15:49,490
I don't know why he's going
to so much trouble.

297
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,242
I was discussing this case
this morning

298
00:15:51,451 --> 00:15:52,702
with one of my law professors.

299
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:56,122
Was that before or after he scratched
himself and ate a banana?

300
00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:59,667
Are you calling him an ape?
You know something, Clavin?

301
00:15:59,834 --> 00:16:02,420
One of these days, boy,
I'm just going to...

302
00:16:02,587 --> 00:16:04,672
I-- I don't know what.

303
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:08,509
That man would be magnificent
in front of a jury.

304
00:16:10,344 --> 00:16:12,263
Oh, Sam, thank you so much.

305
00:16:12,472 --> 00:16:14,515
That was the most fun day
of my whole life.

306
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:16,893
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Why don't you sit here

307
00:16:17,059 --> 00:16:18,603
and I'll make you a little
cup of tea or something.

308
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,689
Boston is such a lovely city.

309
00:16:21,856 --> 00:16:24,275
Guess what. When we were on
the <i>Constitution,</i>

310
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,194
somebody recognized Sam.

311
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,821
I didn't know he was a celebrity.

312
00:16:29,030 --> 00:16:30,781
Cut the chit-chat.

313
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:33,618
Is Mammy Yokum going
to marry you or not?

314
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:37,705
Well, she hasn't decided.

315
00:16:37,872 --> 00:16:41,459
- What do you say, Jackie?
- I don't know.

316
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:45,004
Try to understand, Sam,
I always thought my wedding day

317
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:49,091
would be something
really beautiful and special.

318
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,845
It will be. We'll get a minister,
and we'll have it right here in the bar.

319
00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,515
In a bar? You think that's
beautiful and special?

320
00:16:55,723 --> 00:16:57,850
Maybe you're asking the wrong guy.

321
00:16:59,894 --> 00:17:02,104
It's quarter to 12:
I don't have much time here.

322
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:05,066
I hate to press you, but you to have
to decide to go through with this now

323
00:17:05,233 --> 00:17:09,570
- or I'll have to think of something else.
- He's already thought once today.

324
00:17:10,196 --> 00:17:13,824
- This is all happening so fast.
- Fast?

325
00:17:14,116 --> 00:17:16,077
It's been eight hours.

326
00:17:16,285 --> 00:17:18,538
By the time I knew
my ex-husband that long,

327
00:17:18,746 --> 00:17:20,748
he'd already cheated on me.

328
00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:22,750
Well...

329
00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:27,505
I was always raised to believe
you should help people when you can.

330
00:17:28,839 --> 00:17:30,841
I'm getting married!

331
00:17:33,844 --> 00:17:35,846
Listen, do you mind
if I call home first?

332
00:17:36,013 --> 00:17:38,266
I'd like to tell my Pa about it.

333
00:17:38,432 --> 00:17:40,726
Sure, sure.
Come into my office here.

334
00:17:41,018 --> 00:17:43,646
Yeah, and don't forget
to tell Billy-Joe-Bob-Jim.

335
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:47,817
Don't take too long.
We don't have much time.

336
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,860
Oh, boy.

337
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:52,697
Sam, I have dire news.

338
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:54,240
Good or bad?

339
00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:00,121
That was Justice Fiedler's secretary.

340
00:18:00,288 --> 00:18:02,123
The Justice is running a little late.

341
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,083
Late? What the hell
has he got to do?

342
00:18:04,250 --> 00:18:05,960
Well, his wife is having a baby.

343
00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:09,755
Well, so? His work was finished
a long time ago.

344
00:18:09,922 --> 00:18:12,174
Well, I'm sorry,
but what am I supposed to do now?

345
00:18:12,508 --> 00:18:14,510
We don't have that much time
to call somebody else.

346
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:17,221
It's not like we get
justices of the peace and ministers

347
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:18,889
walking in this bar every day.

348
00:18:19,056 --> 00:18:21,142
Don't be too sure, my son.

349
00:18:22,727 --> 00:18:23,936
- What?
- You, Norman?

350
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:28,024
Yeah. Back in the '60s, I sent
a dollar to one of those churches

351
00:18:28,232 --> 00:18:30,860
that advertised in the back
of <i>Rolling Stone.</i>

352
00:18:31,527 --> 00:18:33,988
I'm an official minister

353
00:18:34,155 --> 00:18:36,407
of the Church of the Living Desert.

354
00:18:37,283 --> 00:18:39,368
What, did you want
to get out of the draft or...?

355
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:41,412
No, no. We were just goofing around,
you know.

356
00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:44,040
Some friends and I
were over at the accounting club

357
00:18:44,206 --> 00:18:46,792
getting high smelling
adding-machine ribbons, you know?

358
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:50,755
It seemed funny. I don't know.
Of course, in that mindless state,

359
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:53,466
even this business
used to seem funny.

360
00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,889
It reminded me
of something else at the time.

361
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:03,100
- Hello.
- Justice Fiedler.

362
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,853
- Thank you so much for coming.
- Well, I'm sorry I'm so late,

363
00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:09,815
- but I just became a father.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all thrilled.

364
00:19:09,982 --> 00:19:11,901
Now get your flabby buns over here.

365
00:19:12,068 --> 00:19:13,653
Come on, we've only got
a few minutes.

366
00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:15,571
No, Carla.
Carla, stay out of this, will you?

367
00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:17,323
- Here's your pulpit.
- Actually,

368
00:19:17,490 --> 00:19:19,492
we are in a kind of a hurry.
Could you do this quickly?

369
00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:22,870
Yes, I see there's
a certain urgency here.

370
00:19:23,037 --> 00:19:25,539
Oh, by the way,
it's a boy, nine pounds.

371
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,458
Just what the world needed.

372
00:19:28,834 --> 00:19:31,879
- Hello, everybody.
- Oh, you're just in time, Eddie.

373
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:34,924
Yeah, just in time for my wedding.
I'm about to marry Jacqueline Bisset.

374
00:19:35,174 --> 00:19:37,760
- Oh, don't make me laugh.
- Come here.

375
00:19:39,345 --> 00:19:41,222
See her, the girl on the phone?

376
00:19:42,139 --> 00:19:45,142
Wow, Jacqueline Bisset.

377
00:19:45,309 --> 00:19:47,311
What happened to her?

378
00:19:48,354 --> 00:19:51,065
It's not the movie star, Eddie.
Nobody said anything about that.

379
00:19:51,232 --> 00:19:53,776
The bet was Jacqueline Bisset,
and that's the lady's name.

380
00:19:53,943 --> 00:19:56,862
- She's got lots of ID to prove it too.
- What is this, a trick?

381
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,031
No, it's no trick.
He's winning the bet.

382
00:19:59,198 --> 00:20:00,991
So why don't you
just call Sam the winner

383
00:20:01,158 --> 00:20:02,576
and forget the whole thing?

384
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:04,578
Are you actually going
to marry that woman?

385
00:20:04,745 --> 00:20:07,623
You bet I am. This is the justice
of the peace, Mr. Fiedler.

386
00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:11,043
Yes, and father
of the miracle baby.

387
00:20:11,210 --> 00:20:13,087
Give it a rest, will you?

388
00:20:13,254 --> 00:20:15,798
Look, Sam, I don't know
if it's necessary

389
00:20:15,965 --> 00:20:18,759
- for you to go to all this trouble.
- You're going to call the bet off?

390
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:21,846
No, I think he has
an arrangement in mind.

391
00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:25,266
That's right. Maybe you and I can
work out some kind of a settlement.

392
00:20:25,558 --> 00:20:27,685
That's what you've been looking for
all along, haven't you?

393
00:20:27,977 --> 00:20:30,438
- Quiet, Blondie.
- Yeah.

394
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:34,024
This is between us men
of the world.

395
00:20:34,191 --> 00:20:36,902
Now, I'll consider
dropping the whole matter

396
00:20:37,069 --> 00:20:39,321
for, maybe, five grand.

397
00:20:40,197 --> 00:20:42,366
Absolutely not. You're getting
nothing from me, Eddie.

398
00:20:42,575 --> 00:20:44,285
Okay. All right. Okay, Sam.

399
00:20:44,577 --> 00:20:47,413
I'll consider us square
if you give me and a date

400
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,082
- free drinks for the rest of my life.
- Nope.

401
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:53,377
Do it, Sam. I'd almost like to see
what would go out with him.

402
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:57,840
Besides me, I mean.

403
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,885
Well, he kind of
grows on you, you know.

404
00:21:01,594 --> 00:21:04,930
- Free drinks for the rest of the year?
- Sorry. Absolutely not.

405
00:21:05,097 --> 00:21:07,183
All right, all right.
Look, one on the house?

406
00:21:07,391 --> 00:21:10,519
- Not a chance.
- Gee, come on, Sam.

407
00:21:10,686 --> 00:21:13,856
How about one of those olives
with a pimento in it?

408
00:21:16,734 --> 00:21:21,113
You think about this the next time
you shoot your mouth off in some bar.

409
00:21:24,658 --> 00:21:26,535
Drinks on the house, huh?

410
00:21:33,083 --> 00:21:36,170
See, I always land on my feet, huh?

411
00:21:36,337 --> 00:21:38,631
Well, sometimes
on somebody else's.

412
00:21:38,923 --> 00:21:41,801
Have you thought about
what you've done to that poor girl?

413
00:21:41,967 --> 00:21:43,761
Which one?

414
00:21:44,178 --> 00:21:46,889
- Jackie.
- Oh, Jackie. Oh, that's right.

415
00:21:47,056 --> 00:21:49,433
She still thinks we're getting
married, doesn't she?

416
00:21:49,600 --> 00:21:52,478
Well, she didn't want to do it
in the first place. That's all right.

417
00:21:52,645 --> 00:21:55,898
Sam, did you see
the look on her face?

418
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:59,443
She's a simple girl
from a rural environment

419
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:02,112
who finds herself in the big city
being entertained

420
00:22:02,321 --> 00:22:04,990
by a slightly attractive semi-celebrity.

421
00:22:05,741 --> 00:22:09,161
- How could her head not be turned?
- Yeah, maybe you're right.

422
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:11,705
Well, you think I laid on
the old charm too thick, huh?

423
00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:14,792
Yes, but she's a farm girl.

424
00:22:15,000 --> 00:22:17,461
She's used to stepping
around such things.

425
00:22:19,755 --> 00:22:23,300
Sam, guess what?
I told my Pa all about this,

426
00:22:23,676 --> 00:22:28,264
and he's a baseball fan,
and he remembers you, sort of.

427
00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:31,183
Well, that was
the kind of player I was.

428
00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:33,811
- Isn't that great?
- Yeah.

429
00:22:34,019 --> 00:22:36,146
Yeah, that--
Boy, this is going to be sticky.

430
00:22:36,522 --> 00:22:38,399
Well, what are we waiting for?

431
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,360
Well, you know, when you--

432
00:22:41,694 --> 00:22:44,113
Why don't you do this?
You're a little smarter than I am.

433
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:46,699
I'm a lot smarter than you are.

434
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:49,869
This paper napkin is a little smarter.

435
00:22:54,623 --> 00:22:57,126
Jackie, there won't be
a wedding today.

436
00:22:57,293 --> 00:23:00,045
- What about the bet?
- Well, the bet was called off.

437
00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:02,298
Sam gets to keep his bar.

438
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:06,093
- Well, that's good.
- Yes.

439
00:23:06,427 --> 00:23:07,761
Jackie, let's be honest.

440
00:23:07,928 --> 00:23:10,472
Weren't you falling for Sam
just a little bit?

441
00:23:10,639 --> 00:23:12,725
Sam? Oh, no.

442
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:16,020
Come on, now,
he's a very attractive man.

443
00:23:16,186 --> 00:23:20,107
Yes, almost as attractive
as he thinks he is.

444
00:23:20,733 --> 00:23:23,193
The only time he stopped
complimenting himself all day

445
00:23:23,360 --> 00:23:25,154
was to ask me if I wanted to.

446
00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:28,324
I like you.

447
00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:31,160
I like you too, Diane.

448
00:23:31,327 --> 00:23:34,204
Say, you work here. You must see
the girls Sam goes out with.

449
00:23:34,413 --> 00:23:37,917
I mean, what sort of girl
would fall for Sam anyway?

450
00:23:40,127 --> 00:23:42,212
Pathetic wretches.

451
00:23:42,713 --> 00:23:46,175
It would have to be someone
lacking in self-respect,

452
00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:48,218
as shallow as he is,
and as empty-headed.

453
00:23:48,802 --> 00:23:50,095
Amen.

454
00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:53,349
So, Jackie,

455
00:23:53,515 --> 00:23:57,478
is Diane making you feel a little
bit better about what happened?

456
00:23:57,686 --> 00:23:59,313
- Yes, she is.
- Good.

457
00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:01,148
You know, she'd be
the one to understand.

458
00:24:01,357 --> 00:24:03,192
You know, for a whole year,
this little filly and I--

459
00:24:06,862 --> 00:24:08,656
More tea?

460
00:24:08,948 --> 00:24:10,240
Thank you.