Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
- Chekhov. - No. No, Norm, Ibsen. It was Ibsen.
I tell you, it was Chekhov, Cliff ie.
I can remember what it was. It was The Cherry Orchard.
You're full of it, Norm. It was Ibsen. It was The Master Builder.
Chekhov. It was Chekhov, I'm telling you.
- Ibsen, Ibsen, Ibsen. - Chekhov, Chekhov, Chekhov.
Excuse me. I don't mean to stop you by any means,
but you are talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen?
Of course, we're talking about Anton Chekhov and Henrik Ibsen.
- Now, Cliff ie, listen to me on this one. - This is wonderful.
Perhaps I might be of some assistance.
I would love, in some small way, to contribute to your literary inquiry.
- Well, I suppose she can help, huh? - Please, please.
- Oh, yeah. If anybody can, you can. - I'd like to think so.
- Really? - Yeah. Okay, all right.
What were you watching on TV that night
that Norm stuffed his face full of cheese doodles
and whistled The Way We Were?
Ibsen...
and it was taco chips.
- Pay up. Let's go. - All right, all right.
Now that I think of it, I guess it was Chekhov and cheese doodles
the night Artie Sullivan tried to prove he could comb his hair with his feet.
Yeah, you're on thin ice
arguing the classics with me there, Buckaroo.
Hey, Sammy, long time.
Hey, yeah, it has been a long time. How've you been?
- Oh, about the same. And you? - Well, you know me. I never change.
- What'll you have, huh? - I'll have my usual.
- Are you still drinking that stuff? - Yeah.
Who is that guy?
- I don't know. He's your friend. - No. I've never seen him before.
Any of you guys know that guy?
No. Trust me, Sam. The man's never been in this place before.
I'm very good at placing faces.
Yeah? Then place yours where we can't see it.
Boy...
I wish Coach were here. He'd know who he was.
Where is the Coach?
He went to get his driver's license renewed.
He'll be back next week.
- What's taking him so long? - He went up to Vermont.
He heard the test was a lot easier up there.
Sam, why don't you just ask this man what his name is?
Better one minute of embarrassment than making a fool of yourself.
No, too easy.
I can handle this.
You know how good I am at thinking on my feet.
Well, I have seen you add and subtract on them.
Subtraction must kind of hurt, huh?
Watch and learn.
Hey, instead of your usual,
I thought you might like a Manhattan here, huh?
- Well, Manhattan is my usual. - Gotcha.
Oh, I get it.
- Yeah, how's work doing, huh? - Oh, fine.
Yeah, you still work in the same place?
What was the name of that? It's got a real funny name.
- My house. - My House. Right.
Yeah, I still get a kick out of that.
Yeah, I'm still working the same crummy job stuffing envelopes,
but I'm glad you find that funny.
I didn't mean funny in the-- In the humorous sense.
I meant funny more in the... Who the hell are you?
I'm Eddie Gordon.
Eddie-- Eddie Gordon?
- I don't know who Eddie Gordon is. - Well, you should.
About a year ago, you bet me your bar
that you could marry Jacqueline Bisset
by midnight tomorrow.
I bet-- Oh, come on. Who the hell would...
Oh, Eddie Gordon.
How the hell you doing, Eddie?
- Is it coming back to you, Sam? - Yeah, yeah. I'm a little hazy...
Afraid I had a few too many that night.
No, no, you had a lot too many that night.
Well, I was going through a pretty rough period.
So how are you and Jackie getting along?
You know, I felt a little slighted when I wasn't invited to the wedding.
Boy, I must have been drinking tequila, huh?
Yeah, I always want Jacqueline Bisset when I drink tequila.
But I bet you don't always write it down,
signing your name in front of witnesses.
- Did that too, huh? - Yeah. Keep it. It's a copy.
Hey, listen, this was obviously a joke, Eddie.
Come on, now. I'm no expert,
but I know a little bit about the law, and this sounds like a crock, pal.
There's no way you'll ever own this bar.
Well, when I take over, I'm thinking of serving free chicken wings.
Sorry, Sam, the law's the law.
What do you think of those little meatballs? You know, those...
Get a Sterno flame...
You know, I don't want you to take this personally, Eddie,
- but as a drinking partner, you stink. - Well, sorry you feel that way, Sam.
Look, I'll see you tomorrow at midnight...
- when the bar becomes mine. - Have you thought about serving
those little crab puffs? They've very popular.
Yes. Melville's has a recipe with a mustard sauce.
You know, listen, if you're serious about this,
- you don't have a leg to stand on. - Most snakes don't.
Well, we'll find out in court.
Yeah, my attorney, he's looked it over
and he says we got a shot.
And Sam, don't get so upset.
You're still going to have your job.
I'm going to need a bartender.
You actually went out drinking with that man?
That's not the worst of it. I think I picked up the bill.
This has got to be a joke, doesn't it?
Hey, why don't you let an attorney take a look at that, huh, Sam?
Do you know of one? Or have you finally passed
the Massachusetts bar under the rarely used pity clause?
You know, when I pass my bar exam, Cliff,
you're going to eat your words.
Yeah, if I've got any teeth left.
All right, all right, what do think there, Mr. Witless for the Prosecution?
Well, it appears that you and Eddie Gordon
signed an agreement which may or may not be binding.
Tom, knock off the legalese, will you?
Talk to us in a language we can understand here.
You want to trust me here, Sam? This thing will never hold up.
You were drunk at the time, right?
And besides, it's not a contract. It's a wager.
You're going to win this case easy.
- Tom's right. - Thank you.
Let this Eddie press his case.
We'll engage an excellent lawyer and make a monkey out of that man.
Oh, boy...
What? What's wrong?
If you don't trust Tom, get a second opinion.
Yeah.
No, I-- I can't let Eddie take me to court.
Why not?
I'd have to stand up and testify that I was drunk
and made an idiot out of myself.
- You're worried about the publicity? - Yeah.
I mean, the press wasn't exactly kind to me
when I drank myself out of baseball.
I'd almost rather lose the bar than go through that humiliation again.
Oh, Sam.
Quit acting human. It confuses me.
I don't suppose you could just go ahead
- and marry her, could you? - Oh, yeah.
Find, meet, woo Jacqueline Bisset in two days?
No, it'd take at least a week.
Are you kidding? Are you kidding me? Five working days tops, Sam.
Hey, wait, I got an idea.
You mean you've actually conceived something besides a child?
A bitter and unprovoked attack. I like it.
- What? What have you got? - Sam, this thing here,
it doesn't say anything about having to marry
the Jacqueline Bisset the movie actress.
There's got to be more than one Jacqueline Bisset in the world.
Marry one of those, win the bet, and get a quick divorce.
Eddie won't be able to say a thing.
You mean all I have to do is find another Jacqueline Bisset
and marry her by tomorrow night? Oh, it can't be that simple.
- Sam-- - Hush, hush, hush, I'm thinking.
Someone note the date and the time.
Guys, you've got to help me here.
We've got to call information all over the country.
Yeah, well, Sammy, I think I can already help you out there.
At home, I happen to have the phone books
of every major metropolitan area in the country.
- Why? - Well, I'm just one of those people
- who collects phone book cover art. - One of those.
Well, this is going to be fun. We'll divide them up,
we'll call all over the country,
and find anybody with the last name "Bisset,"
ask them if they have a relative named "Jacqueline,"
and then talk them into coming up to Boston. Are you with me?
- So much for the sun belt. - Norm!
Norm, you philistine. You just put a fold in Sunrise Over Albuquerque.
Hey, boys, boys, boys...
I would have thought there'd be a few Jacqueline Bissets around.
It can't be that uncommon a name.
Sam, I've got a Jacqueline Bisset on the phone.
- Pay dirt. - She sounds real sweet.
There's just one catch.
She's 93: She lives in a rest home in Maine.
- So is she married? - I didn't ask.
- Well, ask. - Are you married?
Got a 94-year-old husband.
Been married 73 years.
Happy years?
Sammy?
Sam, just talked to a man in Green Bank, West Virginia.
He's got a granddaughter named Jacqueline Bisset,
26 years old and unmarried.
- That's great. Let me talk to her. - No, I already did.
Jackie'll be here tomorrow morning.
- How'd you do it? - A little ingenuity, you know.
I-- I told her she won a trip to Boston in a radio game show.
Yeah, so once she gets here,
all you have to do is convince her to marry you.
- I could kiss you, man. - Well, yeah, you can, but I warn you,
you're not going to get anywhere.
Yeah, well, I offered her a few prizes too, Sam,
- you know, to induce her to come up. - Yeah, that's fine. Like what?
Free round-trip airfare, first class,
suite at the Ritz, free historical tour, a matched set of luggage, you know.
Why didn't you just offer her a car, Cliff?
Well, I did, but she took the cash instead.
Only kidding, Sammy.
The point is she'll be here.
You're right. You're right, my problems are over.
Sam, aren't you forgetting one important step?
- What? - You still have to get her to marry you.
Well, it's no problem. As soon as I get her face-to-face,
she'll fall under the old Sammy spell.
Oh, you killer.
Sam Malone, your vanity knows no bounds.
All the same, I guess I ought to wear something kind of nice. My best outfit.
Say, Diane, when you dream of me, what am I wearing?
An ant hill.
Congratulations, Coach.
I mean, all the weeks of cramming, burning the midnight oil,
and drilling with your friends. You know, I mean, it's all paid off.
We're proud of you. Yeah, all right. Take care.
- Coach passed his driver's test? - No, he found Vermont.
So when's your ex-wife-to-be to be here?
She's supposed to be here now.
Cliff was supposed to pick her up at the airport two hours ago.
- Are you all ready for her? - I-- I don't know. What do you think?
Yes. Any girl would jump at the chance to marry you.
Sam, there is one problem, however.
I believe I detect a hint of fresh air cutting through your cologne.
You're kidding.
Must have missed a couple of important pulse points, huh?
All right. Thank you.
Well, this is Cheers, Miss Bisset, and that's Sam Malone.
Well, he is good-looking.
The bad news is he talks.
Sammy, Jackie Bisset. Miss Bisset, Sam Malone.
Oh, boy. Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming.
Cliff, why don't you set those bags down right here?
Why don't you come sit by the bar here?
Listen, did...?
- Did Cliff explain why we need you? - Yes, he did,
and I'm not marrying anybody, except in the usual way
where the groom isn't a total stranger.
Well, I understand that. I understand that.
But this isn't really like a real marriage. I mean,
it's just for a few hours until I win a bet,
then we'll get it annulled tomorrow.
No fuss, no muss. Hey, listen, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you just consider it a warm-up for the real thing?
No. I'm sorry. I'm just not interested.
Listen, I almost didn't make this trip
when I thought it was a legitimate contest.
But I said to myself, "Now, Jackie Bisset, nothing like this
is ever going to happen to you again." And so I kissed my dog, Smiley,
and waved goodbye to my Pa, and here I am.
Knock it off.
You don't talk like that.
Listen, I know this whole thing's been handled in a very stupid way,
I mean, it's ridiculous, but I really am in a jam here.
I'll tell you what, you know, we promised you a guided tour.
Why don't I take you for a ride around the city, show you the sights,
and I'll explain my whole story here. I know just the place to start too--
City Hall. Very historic, and we could get a marriage license.
- I really don't think so. No. - Come on.
What's holding you up here?
You have a chance to help one of the greatest guys in the world.
I barely know him.
Well, let me fill you in.
Anybody here would do anything for this guy.
- Well... - Right?
- Right. - Exactly.
Look, look, look. Just hear him out.
Please. All right?
Well, I never have been to Boston. I always wanted to see it.
Well, I'll tell you what,
you tell me your story, and I'll think about it.
You've got a deal. You're going to love this,
the Sam Malone Pre-Nuptial Tour.
We'll start off with the USS Constitution,
then we'll go to the old North Church,
Paul Revere's house, and then we'll top it off
with the traditional Boston blood test.
All those places are right here in Boston, huh?
Yes, Norman.
This town is a veritable treasure trove of historical monuments.
That's really something.
And thousands of people flock to Boston
just to see all those sights
and soak up a lot of American heritage,
and I sit here in a bar night after night guzzling beer.
- Sad, isn't it? - Yeah...
but, hey, no one's forcing them.
My, it's getting late.
Yeah. Sammy must be having a hard time talking Jackie into it.
Yes, and if he doesn't get back in a year,
his cologne will wear off.
I don't know why he's going to so much trouble.
I was discussing this case this morning
with one of my law professors.
Was that before or after he scratched himself and ate a banana?
Are you calling him an ape? You know something, Clavin?
One of these days, boy, I'm just going to...
I-- I don't know what.
That man would be magnificent in front of a jury.
Oh, Sam, thank you so much.
That was the most fun day of my whole life.
Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it. Why don't you sit here
and I'll make you a little cup of tea or something.
Boston is such a lovely city.
Guess what. When we were on the Constitution,
somebody recognized Sam.
I didn't know he was a celebrity.
Cut the chit-chat.
Is Mammy Yokum going to marry you or not?
Well, she hasn't decided.
- What do you say, Jackie? - I don't know.
Try to understand, Sam, I always thought my wedding day
would be something really beautiful and special.
It will be. We'll get a minister, and we'll have it right here in the bar.
In a bar? You think that's beautiful and special?
Maybe you're asking the wrong guy.
It's quarter to 12: I don't have much time here.
I hate to press you, but you to have to decide to go through with this now
- or I'll have to think of something else. - He's already thought once today.
- This is all happening so fast. - Fast?
It's been eight hours.
By the time I knew my ex-husband that long,
he'd already cheated on me.
Well...
I was always raised to believe you should help people when you can.
I'm getting married!
Listen, do you mind if I call home first?
I'd like to tell my Pa about it.
Sure, sure. Come into my office here.
Yeah, and don't forget to tell Billy-Joe-Bob-Jim.
Don't take too long. We don't have much time.
Oh, boy.
Sam, I have dire news.
Good or bad?
That was Justice Fiedler's secretary.
The Justice is running a little late.
Late? What the hell has he got to do?
Well, his wife is having a baby.
Well, so? His work was finished a long time ago.
Well, I'm sorry, but what am I supposed to do now?
We don't have that much time to call somebody else.
It's not like we get justices of the peace and ministers
walking in this bar every day.
Don't be too sure, my son.
- What? - You, Norman?
Yeah. Back in the '60s, I sent a dollar to one of those churches
that advertised in the back of Rolling Stone.
I'm an official minister
of the Church of the Living Desert.
What, did you want to get out of the draft or...?
No, no. We were just goofing around, you know.
Some friends and I were over at the accounting club
getting high smelling adding-machine ribbons, you know?
It seemed funny. I don't know. Of course, in that mindless state,
even this business used to seem funny.
It reminded me of something else at the time.
- Hello. - Justice Fiedler.
- Thank you so much for coming. - Well, I'm sorry I'm so late,
- but I just became a father. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all thrilled.
Now get your flabby buns over here.
Come on, we've only got a few minutes.
No, Carla. Carla, stay out of this, will you?
- Here's your pulpit. - Actually,
we are in a kind of a hurry. Could you do this quickly?
Yes, I see there's a certain urgency here.
Oh, by the way, it's a boy, nine pounds.
Just what the world needed.
- Hello, everybody. - Oh, you're just in time, Eddie.
Yeah, just in time for my wedding. I'm about to marry Jacqueline Bisset.
- Oh, don't make me laugh. - Come here.
See her, the girl on the phone?
Wow, Jacqueline Bisset.
What happened to her?
It's not the movie star, Eddie. Nobody said anything about that.
The bet was Jacqueline Bisset, and that's the lady's name.
- She's got lots of ID to prove it too. - What is this, a trick?
No, it's no trick. He's winning the bet.
So why don't you just call Sam the winner
and forget the whole thing?
Are you actually going to marry that woman?
You bet I am. This is the justice of the peace, Mr. Fiedler.
Yes, and father of the miracle baby.
Give it a rest, will you?
Look, Sam, I don't know if it's necessary
- for you to go to all this trouble. - You're going to call the bet off?
No, I think he has an arrangement in mind.
That's right. Maybe you and I can work out some kind of a settlement.
That's what you've been looking for all along, haven't you?
- Quiet, Blondie. - Yeah.
This is between us men of the world.
Now, I'll consider dropping the whole matter
for, maybe, five grand.
Absolutely not. You're getting nothing from me, Eddie.
Okay. All right. Okay, Sam.
I'll consider us square if you give me and a date
- free drinks for the rest of my life. - Nope.
Do it, Sam. I'd almost like to see what would go out with him.
Besides me, I mean.
Well, he kind of grows on you, you know.
- Free drinks for the rest of the year? - Sorry. Absolutely not.
All right, all right. Look, one on the house?
- Not a chance. - Gee, come on, Sam.
How about one of those olives with a pimento in it?
You think about this the next time you shoot your mouth off in some bar.
Drinks on the house, huh?
See, I always land on my feet, huh?
Well, sometimes on somebody else's.
Have you thought about what you've done to that poor girl?
Which one?
- Jackie. - Oh, Jackie. Oh, that's right.
She still thinks we're getting married, doesn't she?
Well, she didn't want to do it in the first place. That's all right.
Sam, did you see the look on her face?
She's a simple girl from a rural environment
who finds herself in the big city being entertained
by a slightly attractive semi-celebrity.
- How could her head not be turned? - Yeah, maybe you're right.
Well, you think I laid on the old charm too thick, huh?
Yes, but she's a farm girl.
She's used to stepping around such things.
Sam, guess what? I told my Pa all about this,
and he's a baseball fan, and he remembers you, sort of.
Well, that was the kind of player I was.
- Isn't that great? - Yeah.
Yeah, that-- Boy, this is going to be sticky.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Well, you know, when you--
Why don't you do this? You're a little smarter than I am.
I'm a lot smarter than you are.
This paper napkin is a little smarter.
Jackie, there won't be a wedding today.
- What about the bet? - Well, the bet was called off.
Sam gets to keep his bar.
- Well, that's good. - Yes.
Jackie, let's be honest.
Weren't you falling for Sam just a little bit?
Sam? Oh, no.
Come on, now, he's a very attractive man.
Yes, almost as attractive as he thinks he is.
The only time he stopped complimenting himself all day
was to ask me if I wanted to.
I like you.
I like you too, Diane.
Say, you work here. You must see the girls Sam goes out with.
I mean, what sort of girl would fall for Sam anyway?
Pathetic wretches.
It would have to be someone lacking in self-respect,
as shallow as he is, and as empty-headed.
Amen.
So, Jackie,
is Diane making you feel a little bit better about what happened?
- Yes, she is. - Good.
You know, she'd be the one to understand.
You know, for a whole year, this little filly and I--
More tea?
Thank you.