Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Hi, everybody.
- Hi, Carla. - Carla.
Hey, listen, Sam, I'm sorry I'm late.
I realize I left you here without a waitress.
What am I, chopped liver?
No, some people enjoy chopped liver.
What got you in such a bad mood today?
Oh, I don't know. Everything.
You know, this morning I was thinking. I'm not married,
I'm carrying my sixth kid,
I'm broke, I live in squalor.
I'm having a crisis of faith.
Oh, come on, Carla, don't talk like that.
Well, would a just God be putting me through this, Coach?
Well, Carla, I know it looks sort of bleak out there,
but you just have to have patience. You know, remember Job.
Cliff ie's right, honey. You got a good job here.
You're in great health.
I don't know. I don't know.
Cliff, I didn't want to embarrass you in front of Carla,
but you pronounce the word "job."
Frasier, what a surprise to see you here today.
Diane, I've got the most exciting news that just couldn't wait.
Well, what is it? You're positively tingling.
Come and sit down.
I have been awarded an honor that surpasses
anything I could have hoped to achieve at this point in my career.
It goes beyond even my most wild and ambitious dreams.
Well, hey, doc, what are we talking here, Nobel Prize, huh?
No, we're not talking Nobel Prize.
- What, Pulitzer? Come on. - No, I didn't win the Pulitzer Prize.
Oh, a Guggenheim Fellowship.
No, it's not a Guggenheim Fellowship!
Well, what'd you win, a canned ham? You've lost all the big ones.
I knew I should have waited for a better moment.
Diane, I have been chosen
to be this year's visiting scholar at the University of Bologna.
Oh, Frasier, that's wonderful!
University of Bologna?
I can't believe they need a university for a thing like that.
I know it's a complicated meat, but...
Coach...
Coach, the University of Bologna is the oldest university in the world.
It has what is arguably the finest school of psychology in Europe.
Now inarguably the finest.
Who's the dean, Oscar Mayer?
I hear sausage jokes are making a comeback.
Well, now, here's the exciting news.
My teaching load will be light enough
to provide us ample time to travel throughout Europe.
- Us? - Well, yes. I thought you'd notice that.
I'm leaving in two weeks, and I'd love for you to come along.
Why, that would be wonderful, wouldn't it?
- How long would we be gone? - Six months.
Six months. Well...
This would be a very big undertaking.
So many details to take care of.
My apartment, a passport, my plants, my classes,
Sam, paper, my dry-cleaning.
- Sam? - Well, yes.
You know what a devastating effect it had on him the last time I left.
Frasier, he's fragile.
He can be wounded.
Oh, here. Doc, hey.
Have you ever seen a guy who could do pushups with his tongue?
- Well, no, I haven't. - Watch this.
Guys. Watch this, watch this.
- That's good. - You see, Diane,
even without you, his life is very full.
Frasier, I'm serious.
All right. Look, I was Sam's therapist.
I'll tell him about this and observe his reaction.
If he shows any anxiety whatsoever, I'll be here to assuage it.
Sam, can I have a word with you for a second?
- Sure, doc, what's up? - Diane and I are going to Europe.
Europe? Overseas?
Well, we were going to go to the local one, but it's all booked up.
I'm going to be teaching there for six months,
and Diane is going with me.
And you may never see her again.
Well, that's... I'm happy for you guys. That's won...
Maybe I should throw you a bon-voyage party or something, huh?
What do you think?
- You're not bothered? - Not bothered?
How delightfully naive. He's repressing on all 12 cylinders.
Come along, Sam. I wanna have a little chit-chat
with you in your office.
What are we gonna talk about, Frasier?
We're going to talk about the emotions that you're repressing right now.
I'm here for you, Sam, and I promise I won't leave
until you can deal with this.
She doesn't want to go to Europe. She doesn't love me.
She's still harboring feelings for you.
Oh, come on, Frasier, that again?
Well, yes. You should've seen the look on her face
when I asked her to go to Europe with me just now.
Boy, yeah, she is a great cure for happiness, isn't she?
Well... Now, wait a second.
You can't expect her to jump up and down with joy
- about this thing right off the bat. - I'd love to know why.
Well, because Diane is Diane.
I mean, she's never done anything in her entire life
without thinking about it.
I mean, she analyzes the blood out of everything.
If you were to go up to her and say, "Can I offer you a million dollars?"
She'd say, "No, no, no, no,
that's, 'May I offer you a million dollars?'"
I admit she does have a tendency to be cerebral.
You know, I just never pictured myself in a relationship
where I would be the wild and impulsive one.
Let's be fair, though, Sam.
I mean, she does know how to show a man a good time.
Yeah, you're right. I remember we'd be out together and she'd say,
"Hey, Sam, look over there. Those guys are having a good time."
Come on. I bet she comes around here, Frasier.
I bet she's outside right now,
thinking this whole Europe thing's a good idea.
- You really think so? - Yeah, I know so.
How is he?
- Oh, he'll be all right. - Oh, he'll be all right.
See, I already got my sense of humor back.
Good man.
Sam, you were really bothered by this news?
Well, Diane, I just used Sam as a cover. It was me.
I was hurt that your reaction to my Europe news
was half-hearted at best.
Oh, Frasier.
Well, I've had a little time to think about it now,
and I want you to know that Europe sounds wonderful.
I can't imagine a more romantic place
or a more appropriate person with whom to share it.
Oh, that's wonderful. Sam said you'd come around.
Lucky guess.
Well, dear, may I have a moment alone with Sam?
Oh, certainly. You know, I'm almost late for my session as it is.
Bye-bye, Sam. Arrivederci, Diane.
Ciao, Frasier.
How I hate you.
I'd love to smack that smug look off your face.
You're pretending not to care because you believe
that Europe will be the death knell for my relationship with Frasier Crane.
Either because I won't go at all or because the stress
of traveling together for six months will break us up.
Right?
Listen to me.
I'm sincere about this. I like you two...
...and I wanna see you both happy.
Thank you, Sam.
I mean, after all, just because the two of us didn't travel well...
- When did we ever travel? - Are you kidding me?
We went through hell together.
Yes.
Well, it helped that you knew the language.
Carla, what are you looking for, a sign from God?
Religious belief is based on faith.
Yeah, well, I never thought I'd say this, Coach,
but I think I've lost faith.
Hey, listen up, everybody. I have an announcement to make.
Diane here is leaving for Europe,
and she's not gonna be back to Cheers ever.
I believe
For every drop of rain that falls A flower grows
I believe
That somewhere in the darkest night A candle glows
You know, Sam, I gotta tell you,
I can't see Diane going off with Doc like that.
I always figured that you and her would get married, you know.
- Come on, Coach. - No, no, I'm not kidding.
I... I pictured you moving to a little home in the country
with a rose garden out in the front
and a nice little room in the back for me...
...and, you know, every Sunday night
Diane would make us a fried chicken dinner,
and we'd sit on the porch and listen to the ball game.
I'd bounce your kids on my knee.
God, it was gonna be a happy house.
Well, I guess that's gonna be Frasier's house now, Coach.
Well, you can come by any time, Sam.
But call first.
Let's get out of here. It's late.
- Yep, time to go for the night, Coach. - Good night, guys.
- Later, Sammy. - See you.
Listen, Diane, I'm not a sentimental guy, you know,
and I'd like you to have a good, safe trip, huh?
Hey, Normie, you big monkey,
don't you ever be ashamed of your tender side.
Well...
...goodbye, Diane.
Goodbye, Clifford.
Hey, come on, you two. I'm waiting for a kiss.
- Well, she is leaving. - Yeah.
Did you see the look on her face?
Yeah.
I was more worried about the look on your face.
Well, Diane...
...I'm not gonna pretend that you're my favorite person in the world,
but now that it's all over...
...I guess I wish you a happy life.
Thank you.
Oh, and...
...I thought I'd do you a little favor before you left,
so I wrote down a helpful phrase in Italian.
Now you carry that with you wherever you go.
Yeah, it means, "Excuse me, Mr. Pharmacist,
where do you keep the peroxide?"
- Meet you at the car, Coach. - Yeah.
Oh, Coach, I'm gonna miss you.
Oh, I'm gonna miss you too, honey.
Listen, thank you for coming back, huh?
Will he be okay?
Well, I hope so.
- Coach, do me a favor. - Sure.
Stand by him.
No, no. Coach, Coach, come back here.
I tell you what, instead of standing by him,
why don't you just sort of watch over him?
Of course, of course.
Bye, sweetheart.
Well.
We haven't been alone for a long time.
No.
Boy, it's funny how things change, isn't it?
Yes.
I still remember the first time I came in here.
What a prissy little snot I was.
Yeah, who would have thought it could get worse, huh?
Diane, listen to me.
I think we both realize that a lot of things can happen
when you leave like this.
Who knows when we'll see each other again.
- I'd like you to do me a favor. - What's that, Sam?
I've been a real jerk to you sometimes.
But I'd appreciate it if, when you think of me,
you remember me as a decent person.
Of course.
I'll remember you as Albert Schweitzer.
I'd like that. Thank you.
Oh, I'm so glad it's ending this way...
...after the wrath and acrimony of our breakup.
Yeah, I swear, I thought I'd never see you come in here again.
- Do you know why I came back? - Sure.
Because you're a woman and I'm Sammy.
Actually, it was because I was concerned about you,
your drinking and your health.
Well, thank you, because it did make a difference.
Who would've thought that we'd ever be standing here as friends?
Yeah, we are friends, aren't we?
Good friends.
Well, I'm off.
Now, wait a second here. Come on, let me give my...
My friend a goodbye hug, huh?
- Oh, Sam! - Now come on, get over here.
Come on.
Wow.
What?
Well, this really may be the last time we see each other.
Wow.
Well, goodbye, pal.
Goodbye, buddy.
Bye, amigo.
Goodbye, mon ami.
Goodbye, compadre.
Well, that's that.
- I'll be off. - Yeah, you take care of yourself.
You too, Sam.
- Sam? - Yeah, chum?
I'm gonna count to three, and then we'll stop.
You got it.
One...
...two...
...two and a half...
...which leads us to three.
Well, that wasn't so hard, was it?
I think we just counted to three.
You have a nice, safe trip.
- Thank you. - Yeah.
How could we have ever denied ourselves for so long?
Come on. Come on, come on, come on.
- Let's go back to my place, huh? - Yes. Let's go back to your place.
We have to make up for a lot of lost time.
Yeah.
Oh, Sam, wait.
What? What? What?! What?! What?! God!
I knew you couldn't be spontaneous!
I knew you'd have to over-analyze this!
What? What? What is it?
I was just going to say I almost forgot my purse.
Well, let me get that for you, sweetheart.
What did you think I was going to say?
That was it. That was it.
What did you think I was going to say?
I don't know. I thought you were gonna say,
"Is this just for tonight,
or are we gonna start this whole thing over again?"
- I wasn't going to say that. - Oh, bless you.
But now that you've brought it up...
Oh, damn. Damn. No, I didn't really bring it up.
I was just saying that as an example
of something that I knew neither one of us would ever say.
No, Sam, I'm glad you said it.
What exactly is it you have in mind? Is it a beginning or an ending?
Hello or goodbye?
One night of passion
or something that will last beyond tomorrow?
I got this feeling this conversation's gonna last beyond tomorrow.
What's happening? A minute ago, we were hot for each other.
No, I wasn't hot, I was insane.
I was insane.
I was about to abandon
the most brilliant, sensitive man I ever met
for one with the morals of a rutting sea-elephant...
- ...and the intelligence of lint. - Now, wait. Whoa, whoa.
Let's just stop right there
before we start insulting each other, all right?
Good idea, Sam. Goodbye.
Diane.
Please.
Maybe Frasier can give you
an iron-clad guarantee of a lifetime of security...
...but with me, it's a day at a time.
Now, if you can live with that...
...call.
Well, the last I saw, you and Diane were here alone.
Did you give her a goodbye boink?
Carla.
Your language. I haven't heard you talk like that in a long time.
Oh, yeah, I know. But, you know,
this morning after Mass, the priest said that he didn't think
that Diane's going to Bologna constituted a true miracle.
- No, huh? - No.
I told him I had witnesses and everything.
He said he wouldn't even take it to the bishop.
Well, to answer your question...
...nothing happened between me and Diane.
She wanted to, but, you know...
- You okay? - I'm fine.
Cheers.
No, sorry, Diane's not here.
Oh, you're Diane? Then you're definitely not here.
No, no. He's right here. Sam, it's Diane.
Hey, I was hoping you'd call. I'm really glad you did.
I'm in a hotel room in London, Sam.
No, hold on one second.
Frasier and I are stopping over on our way to Italy.
So why you calling, huh?
Well, I'm... I'm calling because I've had some time
to think about last night.
We both had a moment of weakness,
and I'm glad we didn't give into it, but I hope we're still friends.
I don't think we're friends, Diane.
Well, we failed as lovers.
If we're not friends, what have we been these past few months?
We've been kidding ourselves.
- Goodbye, Diane. - Wait, Sam?
Yeah?
Nothing. Goodbye.
No, before you hang up here...
They got postcards in Europe?
I'm almost sure of it.
Well, maybe if you think of it, you can send me one.
And write small.
You know how I like to read in between the lines.
- I'll try. - That'd be nice.
Thank you, Sam.
Goodbye, Diane.