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Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
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00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:09,843
- Carla, give me a beer.
- Right.
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00:00:11,136 --> 00:00:13,555
What's the story with Sam?
Isn't he back from Italy yet?
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No. Three whole days,
and we haven't heard a word.
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He just went there to stop Diane
and Frasier from getting married.
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Don't know what could
be taking him so long.
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Maybe Frasier's still thanking him.
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I wouldn't be a bit surprised if Diane
now had a "Malone" after her name.
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Well, could be, Cliff ie.
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That ital y's an awfully darn
romantic place.
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I almost went there myself
on my honeymoon.
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Had the plane reservations
and the hotel reservations. Everything.
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Well, what stopped you, Norm?
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Oh, Vera.
You know, she insisted on coming.
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I bet you wanna know
how it went in Italy.
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No, no, not really.
How about you, Cliff ie?
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Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway.
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Got off the plane and I took a cab
to the Marino estate,
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where I had been told
they were gonna get married.
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But they wouldn't let me in,
so I jumped over the fence
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and landed in the middle
of seven snarling rottweilers.
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Rottweilers. It comes from
the German word "Rott--"
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- Cliff, shut up.
- Yes, sir.
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Luckily, I outsmarted the dogs
by diving into a moat.
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While the police were fishing me out,
I discovered that Diane and Frasier
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had decided to get married
someplace else.
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This was right before
they threw me in jail.
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Jail? How'd you get out?
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Well, a local landowner
bailed me out.
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Actually, he didn't bail me out.
There's a different system over there.
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He purchased me.
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Seems... Seems his ox died
or something.
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I really don't wanna
talk about this anymore.
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I'm gonna be in my office.
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Oh, yeah, one more thing.
I am through with that woman forever.
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I will never think about, see
or mention her ever again.
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And if anyone even uses
the words "Diane Chambers,"
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I will have no other choice
but to kill that person.
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Poor guy.
Who is this Diane Chambers anyhow?
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Who said that?
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No! No! No!
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- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!
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What do you say, Norm?
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Any cheap, tawdry thing
that'll get me a beer.
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- Hey, Norman.
- You seem pretty chipper today.
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A few notches up
from your usual abysmal.
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Well, thank you, Cliff ie. That's because
I have a little bit of good news here.
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- What's that?
- You know how I've been
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trying to get Vera pregnant?
Congratulate me.
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- Hey!
- Have a cigar.
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Well, I think this calls
for some champagne here.
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- Well, thank you, Sam.
- What sex do you want it to be?
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Sex? Come on, I thought you just
asked for the vintage. You know?
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Wait, wait. I see your mistake.
Vera's not with child.
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She just told me I didn't have to
try to get her pregnant anymore.
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Let's celebrate! Come on! Party!
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This is amazing.
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Hundreds of bottles.
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Red and white wine glasses.
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High-grade Naugahyde stool covers.
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And a brass rail.
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And a big-city bartender
with a joke at the ready.
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You from out of town?
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Okay, I'll bite.
Yeah, I'm from out of town.
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Can I help you?
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Well, that went right over my head.
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- Excuse me, my name's Woody Boyd.
- Woody. Hi, I'm Sam Malone.
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Howdy. I'm a friend of Coach's.
Is he around?
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I'm sorry, Woody.
I guess you hadn't heard.
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No, Coach passed away
a couple of months ago.
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But, yeah, I'd like to think
he's still around.
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Coach, gone. I can hardly believe it.
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Well, he had a lot of friends.
I don't--
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I don't remember him
mentioning a Woody.
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Well, we never met.
We were kind of like pen pals.
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00:06:07,242 --> 00:06:09,035
You exchanged letters?
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No, pens.
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It was Coach's idea.
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Oh, well, that figures.
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00:06:18,461 --> 00:06:20,005
Can I get you something
to drink here?
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Well, a soda pop would be good.
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Soda pop.
All right, all right.
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See, I got in the habit of writing
to the bars in the big city,
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in the hopes of landing a job,
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and once I wrote a letter to Cheers,
and Coach answered my letter.
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I liked him right away.
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Maybe it was because he was
the only one who wrote back to me.
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Woody, did you say you
were looking for work?
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Well, actually, I came to Boston
on a fact-finding tour.
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See, I tend bar
back home in Indiana.
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Well, it's not a bar exactly.
It's more like...
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...a pigsty with a jukebox,
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if we had a jukebox.
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Carla.
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00:07:02,964 --> 00:07:05,800
I'd like you to meet Woody Boyd.
Woody, this is Carla Tortelli.
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00:07:05,967 --> 00:07:07,761
- Hi, ma'am.
- Ma'am?
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What's that supposed to mean?
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I believe it's a term of respect.
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No wonder it sounded so weird.
Who is this guy?
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00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:22,609
Well, he's a friend of Coach's,
and he's looking for work.
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What do you think?
You wanna give him a try?
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Me?
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Mr Malone, this is
the proudest day of my life!
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I'd work like a slave and I wouldn't take
anything more than minimum wage.
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And, of course, I'd wash your car.
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And if you ever need someone
to just, you know, yell at,
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I'm your man.
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I think we better keep him, Sam.
He wouldn't be safe on the streets.
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- Thanks, Carla.
- What the hell.
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Woody, come on around here
and we'll check you out.
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You won't regret it, Mr Malone.
I love bartending.
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You get behind a bar, and right away
strangers are your best friends.
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They call you great names, like
"buddy" and "pal" and "chief" and "ace."
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00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:07,153
Here's your apron, sport.
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00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,990
Sport! Another great one!
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00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:13,201
But listen, let me make
one thing clear.
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One mistake, and I'm out on my butt.
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Hey, Cliff ie, next time you try
to imitate that helicopter,
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I think you ought to chalk up the cues
before you stick them in your ears.
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You kidding, Norm? I'd look
pretty silly with chalk in my ears.
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Cliff, Norm, Woody Boyd. Woody's
gonna be helping us out around here.
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- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.
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- All right.
- What's your pleasure, gents?
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Make it anything you want.
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Now, where I come from,
all anyone ever drinks is beer.
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Beer's fine, but any monkey
can pull down a tap.
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Why study years
to be an ace mix ologist
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just to serve beer
after beer after beer?
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So, what will it be?
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Beer.
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Same.
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So while it's a common belief
that the Tyrannosaurus rex
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was the king of the dinosaurs,
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you know, as a-- As indicated
by the appellative "-saurus,"
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00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:09,674
the smartest of the spiny reptiles
was actually the thyropatroid.
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Frasier W. Crane.
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00:09:17,098 --> 00:09:20,060
Oh, the man who won the hand
of Diane Chambers.
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Found out he had to keep
the rest of her.
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Hello, Carla, Norm, Cliff.
It's been a long time.
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Yeah, we got a lot of catching up to do.
So, what's new?
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- I couldn't begin to tell you.
- Okay, well, that's even better.
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What's your pleasure?
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My life is devoid of pleasure.
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You need a good laugh.
Are you from out of town?
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00:09:48,922 --> 00:09:50,381
Just give me a whiskey, punk.
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Punk! Oh, that's great!
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00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:02,477
Where's Malone?
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I mean, where's
my good friend Sam?
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00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,191
Mr Malone's in his office.
You want me to give him a buzz?
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00:10:08,358 --> 00:10:10,568
No, no, I'll surprise him.
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00:10:11,861 --> 00:10:14,697
Oh, by the way, any peculiar noises
you hear coming out of that room,
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don't let it bother you.
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00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:20,870
It's just a couple of old friends
having a little fun together.
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00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:24,541
Yo. I think my joke
loosened him up a little.
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Hello, Sam, old buddy.
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00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:35,093
Frasier. What the hell
are you doing here?
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- Are you alone?
- Yes, I'm alone.
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00:10:38,847 --> 00:10:40,557
I didn't marry Diane.
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00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:42,600
You didn't?
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00:10:42,767 --> 00:10:45,603
No, I didn't.
Does that make you happy?
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00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,440
Well, I'm happy for you.
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00:10:50,733 --> 00:10:52,485
Just how'd you manage that?
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00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:55,029
Well, she left me at the altar.
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I had just vowed to take her
for my wife.
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The priest asked her
if she would marry me.
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00:10:59,868 --> 00:11:03,121
She looked around and asked
if he was talking to her.
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00:11:07,542 --> 00:11:09,627
He nodded, and she was gone.
168
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:11,838
Gee, Fras, that's tough.
169
00:11:12,005 --> 00:11:14,465
She just took off?
No explanation or anything?
170
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:17,468
Well, there was no
explanation necessary.
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It was you she loved all along.
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00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:24,267
And it was the thought of you
that made me lose her.
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The story of my humiliation spread
like wildfire through the university
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00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:32,108
and then to the entire
Italian countryside.
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Everyone knew about it.
Everyone knew about my shame.
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00:11:36,154 --> 00:11:38,698
- You must have been imagining that.
- Oh, was I?
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00:11:39,532 --> 00:11:41,117
Do you know that in soccer,
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00:11:41,451 --> 00:11:43,786
when a player kicks at the ball,
misses and falls down,
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00:11:43,953 --> 00:11:45,788
it's now called a "Frasier"?
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00:11:50,877 --> 00:11:52,921
That could be a coincidence.
181
00:11:53,087 --> 00:11:55,506
If he's knocked cold,
it's called a "Frasier Crane."
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00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:01,095
I've lost everything, Malone.
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00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:05,225
My tenure, my practice
and my Diane.
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00:12:05,642 --> 00:12:07,936
My life is ruined,
and it's all your fault.
185
00:12:08,770 --> 00:12:13,816
Now, don't you think someone
should pay for that?
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00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:20,240
If by 'someone," you mean
someone in this room, I can...
187
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,868
...I can honestly answer no, I don't.
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00:12:24,077 --> 00:12:25,370
Oh, come on.
189
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:29,165
Oh, wait-- What are you doing?
The gun's not even loaded.
190
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:31,417
- Certainly it's loaded.
- No, it isn't.
191
00:12:32,961 --> 00:12:36,547
Of course you know it's not, because
Frasier Crane is a harmless person.
192
00:12:36,923 --> 00:12:39,676
He never caused you a moment's
concern, not a moment's worry.
193
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,761
He was never a threat to
your relationship with Diane,
194
00:12:41,928 --> 00:12:44,764
and he's not a threat now.
Is that it, Sam?
195
00:12:45,306 --> 00:12:48,309
No, it's just the little holes
there are empty.
196
00:12:57,026 --> 00:12:58,861
Once again,
you're ahead of me, Sam.
197
00:13:01,239 --> 00:13:04,617
I just hoped to see you quaking in
your boots a little bit or something,
198
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:06,369
but you've cheated me even of that.
199
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:12,292
Boy. Boy, you're really bent
out of shape over this, aren't you?
200
00:13:12,458 --> 00:13:18,548
Just out of totally idle curiosity,
whatever did happen to Diane?
201
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:22,969
Well, I was recently informed
by my mentor, Dr Bennett Ludlow,
202
00:13:23,136 --> 00:13:25,680
whose care I'm now under,
incidentally.
203
00:13:27,390 --> 00:13:29,600
And believe me,
he's doing a heck of a job.
204
00:13:30,935 --> 00:13:34,439
He told me that she's at
St. Anselm's Abbey,
205
00:13:34,897 --> 00:13:40,153
an hour outside of Boston,
with the Sisters of the Divine Severity.
206
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,325
Oh, whoa, wait.
You can't be a nun if you've already--
207
00:13:45,533 --> 00:13:48,328
Oh, she's not becoming a nun,
you idiot!
208
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:52,415
She's working there. She's cleaning,
serving meals, wearing sackcloth,
209
00:13:52,623 --> 00:13:54,584
- that sort of thing.
- I'll be damned.
210
00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:56,919
You see, after she left me,
211
00:13:57,086 --> 00:14:00,923
Diane embarked upon
a spree of decadence in Italy.
212
00:14:01,674 --> 00:14:05,678
I'd hear stories about dancing
on tables in cafés,
213
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,890
swimming in public fountains,
214
00:14:09,057 --> 00:14:12,810
cavorting with counts
and soccer players.
215
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:17,565
Well, now she's doing penance
for la Dolce vita.
216
00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:21,569
She's seeking peace.
I hope she's found it.
217
00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:25,698
Diane, dancing on tabletops?
218
00:14:25,865 --> 00:14:29,202
You mean my--? Your--? Our--?
The Diane?
219
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,871
Yes, all of them.
220
00:14:32,497 --> 00:14:34,499
But now listen, Sam,
221
00:14:34,665 --> 00:14:36,501
- you won't go and see her will you?
- No!
222
00:14:36,667 --> 00:14:38,628
I mean, it would be
disaster for everyone.
223
00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:41,756
No, no.
Believe me, I wouldn't do that.
224
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:43,674
No, I'm over her.
225
00:14:43,841 --> 00:14:46,094
You know, and if you know
what's good for you,
226
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:48,388
I think you should forget
about her too.
227
00:14:49,430 --> 00:14:51,849
Oh, I'll forget about her.
228
00:14:52,016 --> 00:14:54,143
I'll forget about her
when the moon turns to ashes
229
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:56,145
and the birds sing nevermore.
230
00:14:56,354 --> 00:14:57,939
There you go.
231
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,319
Well, I'm sorry about
the histrionics, Sam.
232
00:15:03,486 --> 00:15:05,405
- Oh, no, don't.
- You know, it's funny,
233
00:15:05,571 --> 00:15:09,826
even through all this,
I still think of you as my goombah.
234
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,704
Well, it's best that I get going.
235
00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,998
But let's do the lunch thing
sometime.
236
00:15:17,041 --> 00:15:19,669
I'd like that. Yeah. Take care.
237
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,629
You won't go see her?
238
00:15:22,672 --> 00:15:24,298
No way. No.
239
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:23,649
- Hi, Diane.
- Hi, Sam.
240
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,947
Calm down, here.
241
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:32,533
I just popped in to say howdy.
242
00:16:33,075 --> 00:16:34,952
Are you okay?
243
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:42,585
What the hell--? Heck...
244
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:46,631
...are you doing here?
245
00:16:47,882 --> 00:16:52,011
I bumped into Frasier, and he told me
that you checked into a convent,
246
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:54,972
and I was afraid
you got all squirrelly again.
247
00:16:57,642 --> 00:17:00,311
Thank you for your
carefully worded concern,
248
00:17:00,311 --> 00:17:03,231
- Well, now, you know--
- but I assure you, I am fine.
249
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:11,364
Oh, Sam, I was so sorry
to hear about the Coach.
250
00:17:11,697 --> 00:17:13,407
Yeah, I know, I know.
251
00:17:14,283 --> 00:17:16,911
Not a day goes by when
I don't miss him terribly.
252
00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:18,663
Me too.
253
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:20,623
You know what helps me, though,
254
00:17:20,790 --> 00:17:23,793
is I always remember what
he used to say about the afterlife,
255
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,337
"I hope there are not a lot of stairs."
256
00:17:27,880 --> 00:17:30,466
- It's wise in its way.
- Yeah.
257
00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:33,678
Sam, you're really gonna have
to leave. It's wrong for you to be here.
258
00:17:34,303 --> 00:17:37,473
All right, but there's something
I gotta say first, though.
259
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,142
All right, fine. But if they find you,
it's your problem.
260
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:42,395
- All right.
- I'm not covering for you.
261
00:17:43,521 --> 00:17:45,481
Sister Catherine!
262
00:17:45,773 --> 00:17:47,817
Have you met the rice inspector?
263
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:51,571
The rice inspector sent
by the archdiocese
264
00:17:51,571 --> 00:17:54,574
to inspect the rice,
which is what they do.
265
00:17:55,658 --> 00:17:57,952
Ah, yes, very good.
266
00:17:59,662 --> 00:18:03,124
Sam, what is it? Tell me what you
have to say and then leave, please.
267
00:18:03,291 --> 00:18:06,127
Listen, I want you
to come back to Cheers.
268
00:18:06,294 --> 00:18:08,671
I don't think you belong here, Diane.
269
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,426
No, Sam, I do belong here.
270
00:18:13,593 --> 00:18:16,846
Although I'm not of their order,
the sisters took me in,
271
00:18:17,013 --> 00:18:20,641
and working here among them
272
00:18:20,808 --> 00:18:23,936
has helped me find the peace
that had so eluded me.
273
00:18:24,478 --> 00:18:27,064
Besides, if I came back to Cheers,
it would lead
274
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,692
to nothing but terrible problems
between you and me.
275
00:18:29,942 --> 00:18:31,819
No, no, it's not like that anymore.
276
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:35,740
Because all I feel for you
is the concern of a friend.
277
00:18:35,906 --> 00:18:39,619
The same way I would for, say,
Norm or a dog.
278
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:45,833
You say that,
279
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:50,921
but you know our passions
always overcome our intentions.
280
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:54,467
We say it's over, and yet we still
end up in each other's arms,
281
00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:57,094
hugging, then kissing,
282
00:18:57,637 --> 00:18:59,805
perhaps lightly at first...
283
00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:04,101
...but then with open mouths...
284
00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:07,146
...hungry, probing tongues...
285
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:12,109
Go on, please.
286
00:19:16,906 --> 00:19:20,576
I appreciate the offer, Sam,
but I'm needed here,
287
00:19:20,785 --> 00:19:27,083
and I need to be here
and I need to be needed here.
288
00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:33,798
- You really mean this, don't you?
- Yes, I do.
289
00:19:36,342 --> 00:19:39,428
Well, I guess that's what matters.
290
00:19:41,263 --> 00:19:43,391
I guess I better be going.
291
00:19:43,557 --> 00:19:45,267
I recognised one of the ladies,
292
00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:48,854
and I think that I'm the reason
why she's here in the first place.
293
00:19:51,107 --> 00:19:53,192
I'm glad I got to see you.
294
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,945
Yeah, I'm glad I came.
295
00:19:57,780 --> 00:19:59,365
Turned out kind of nice, huh?
296
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,075
Yes, it was good.
297
00:20:01,242 --> 00:20:03,536
I'm glad we had a chance
to end it this way.
298
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:06,288
Cleanly, spiritually.
299
00:20:06,455 --> 00:20:11,544
Free of rancour and sexual tens--
tens-- tension.
300
00:20:11,711 --> 00:20:13,295
Whatever.
301
00:20:14,380 --> 00:20:17,049
- Well, this is where it ends, huh?
- Yeah.
302
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,427
Goodbye.
303
00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:21,220
Goodbye.
304
00:20:25,766 --> 00:20:28,769
I swore I'd never tell you this ever,
305
00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:32,773
but I guess maybe because we're never
gonna see each other again...
306
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:36,986
You know, you always used to
accuse me of being an unromantic slob,
307
00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:39,822
but you wanna know the truth?
When you called me
308
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:41,949
to tell me that you
were marrying Frasier,
309
00:20:42,366 --> 00:20:45,453
I flew on a plane to Italy
to stop the wedding.
310
00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,330
I guess I thought I was
in love with you
311
00:20:48,539 --> 00:20:52,251
and that you and I
should be married.
312
00:20:52,418 --> 00:20:54,587
Not that I feel that way now.
313
00:20:56,255 --> 00:20:58,758
But, well, I just thought
you ought to know that.
314
00:21:00,009 --> 00:21:02,553
Have a good life. Bye.
315
00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:08,851
Good evening.
316
00:21:10,936 --> 00:21:13,814
Good-- Good evening, Sister Marie.
317
00:21:14,190 --> 00:21:16,776
I heard that the rice inspector
was here.
318
00:21:19,069 --> 00:21:23,324
He wasn't the rice inspector.
He was a man from my past.
319
00:21:23,324 --> 00:21:26,452
Say no more.
There's no need to explain.
320
00:21:26,452 --> 00:21:30,289
- I feel I must.
- I knew you would.
321
00:21:33,125 --> 00:21:38,672
He wanted me to return to the outside,
to the life I used to know.
322
00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:43,677
By the way, I hope you like this.
I got a little creative tonight.
323
00:21:44,053 --> 00:21:47,139
- Oh, yet again.
- Taste it.
324
00:21:48,140 --> 00:21:52,144
At any rate, I told him that
I wasn't going to leave,
325
00:21:52,311 --> 00:21:54,563
that I'm needed too much here.
326
00:21:55,314 --> 00:22:00,402
Do you think I am, Sister?
I mean, I feel that I'm ready now
327
00:22:00,569 --> 00:22:05,741
to leave, to get on with my life,
but I feel so safe here.
328
00:22:05,908 --> 00:22:07,034
What do you think?
329
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:14,416
Put your faith in God.
330
00:22:15,459 --> 00:22:17,503
I know I'm going to.
331
00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:28,305
Time to do the floors.
332
00:22:29,390 --> 00:22:33,269
These ladies can be so messy.
333
00:22:34,144 --> 00:22:37,356
Rice everywhere.
334
00:22:51,287 --> 00:22:54,665
I haven't done this
since I was a child...
335
00:22:56,041 --> 00:22:57,960
...but when in Rome...
336
00:23:01,505 --> 00:23:06,385
Now, I know there are far greater
problems in the world than mine,
337
00:23:06,927 --> 00:23:11,807
but I'm feeling as though
I'm at a crossroads.
338
00:23:12,349 --> 00:23:17,605
And I was wondering
if you could give me a little sign...
339
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:22,693
...to tell me what to do.
340
00:23:32,703 --> 00:23:35,497
Excuse me. Hi.
341
00:23:36,040 --> 00:23:39,293
You wouldn't know where a men's
room was around here, would you?
342
00:23:42,713 --> 00:23:45,507
Sam, would you put a men's room
in a convent?
343
00:23:46,050 --> 00:23:48,385
Right now I would, yes.
344
00:23:52,806 --> 00:23:55,851
Just any sign. Something--
345
00:23:57,394 --> 00:24:00,022
Oh! Oh!
346
00:24:01,106 --> 00:24:03,275
Well...
347
00:24:03,901 --> 00:24:06,862
...it's not the parting of the Red Sea.
348
00:24:07,363 --> 00:24:08,781
That's nitpicking.