1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:06,006
Hey, Cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.
2
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:09,593
- Great game.
- Yeah. Hey, look,
3
00:00:09,760 --> 00:00:11,512
they're showing chicks
in the stands every--
4
00:00:11,678 --> 00:00:14,389
Oh, look at that one.
Come to papa!
5
00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:18,852
Oh, yeah, Cliff ie, they didn't build that
stadium in Foxboro for nothing, pal.
6
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,688
They sure didn't.
I'll bet it cost millions.
7
00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:26,151
I suppose you're wondering
why a person of my breeding
8
00:00:26,318 --> 00:00:30,197
would be working among
the lumpen proletariat.
9
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:34,535
Do you mind?
I'm researching a novel,
10
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:41,291
and working here gives me insight
into their simple pleasures.
11
00:00:44,211 --> 00:00:46,755
Oh, wait, wait. They're zooming in
on a cheerleader here.
12
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:49,508
I think I've zoomed in
on that one myself.
13
00:00:50,425 --> 00:00:55,180
This language supplies the rich texture
that distinguished Fitzgerald's work.
14
00:00:55,430 --> 00:00:57,641
Cliff ie, here comes the wave.
15
00:01:05,816 --> 00:01:08,193
Well, you have to go along with them,
or they get testy.
16
00:01:12,281 --> 00:01:15,367
That's good. Good.
17
00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:35,822
Seeing Baryshnikov dance Giselle
was the experience of a lifetime.
18
00:02:36,114 --> 00:02:41,453
When he took the stage in his cabriole,
it was breathtaking.
19
00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:46,458
- I'd never seen his Albrecht before.
- You mean he split his tights?
20
00:02:50,754 --> 00:02:52,422
I wish.
21
00:02:56,051 --> 00:02:58,512
Hey, Diane, you got a minute?
22
00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:05,310
Listen, I want you to know
that you are the last person on earth
23
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:06,728
that I would ask for help.
24
00:03:06,895 --> 00:03:09,147
But I figure you've been in college
for a zillion years,
25
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:10,691
so you must have
picked up something.
26
00:03:11,525 --> 00:03:14,861
- Now that you've buttered me up...
- Well, my kid Gino,
27
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,489
he made this generator
for his school science fair,
28
00:03:17,656 --> 00:03:20,534
- and he can't get it to work.
- What's the problem?
29
00:03:20,742 --> 00:03:22,494
He's not very smart.
30
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:24,621
Here, take a look at this thing.
31
00:03:24,788 --> 00:03:28,458
If you're asking me to do
Gino's homework for him, I won't.
32
00:03:28,709 --> 00:03:30,335
It's unethical.
33
00:03:32,796 --> 00:03:34,756
- Hey, Mrs. T?
- What?
34
00:03:34,923 --> 00:03:38,885
You know, you ought to ask
Mr. Clavin. He's very sharp.
35
00:03:39,261 --> 00:03:44,182
He's got more information in his whole
head than I got in my little finger.
36
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,977
- You got that backwards.
- See?
37
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:53,900
Oh, yeah, Carla, it is common knowledge
that I'm scientifically handy.
38
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:57,446
As a matter of fact, I spent a good part
of my youth in a laboratory.
39
00:03:57,612 --> 00:03:59,197
And you'd still be there today
40
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:01,992
if the chimpanzee hadn't taught you
how to open your cage.
41
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,954
Hey. Will you look at that?
42
00:04:06,121 --> 00:04:08,665
One of those
new marital aids, huh?
43
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:14,880
Okay, Clavin,
the science fair is in one week.
44
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:18,216
This is your chance to either
gain my respect or lose your tonsils.
45
00:04:18,425 --> 00:04:20,844
Hey, well,
thanks for the opportunity, Carla.
46
00:04:21,094 --> 00:04:24,097
So, Norm, what do you say?
You wanna give me a hand here?
47
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:28,560
No. I think I'll pass,
Dr. Frankenstein.
48
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:31,688
Cliff, have one on the house
here for your good deed.
49
00:04:31,855 --> 00:04:33,648
Oh, thank you, Sammy.
50
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,611
What about one for Igor?
51
00:04:43,784 --> 00:04:45,619
Sam, who's sitting here?
52
00:04:45,786 --> 00:04:48,789
I don't know, but his coat's
been taking up bar space all night.
53
00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:53,210
So I've noticed.
Cashmere. Very nice.
54
00:04:53,460 --> 00:04:58,757
Hand stitching. Tortoiseshell buttons.
This is a very expensive garment.
55
00:04:59,633 --> 00:05:01,885
Doesn't look that expensive to me.
56
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:04,304
It has a Bemberg lining.
57
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:06,890
Oh, well, no fair, now.
You didn't mention that.
58
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:13,230
I'm gonna hang it up.
Oh, a pipe smoker.
59
00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:16,650
I don't believe it's a domestic blend.
Sam, what do you think?
60
00:05:18,318 --> 00:05:21,988
- I don't smell anything.
- Of course not.
61
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,533
Your olfactory senses
have been destroyed
62
00:05:24,699 --> 00:05:26,284
by that cologne you
marinate in.
63
00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:32,666
Oh, I should've known.
Of course, it's a perique blend.
64
00:05:33,834 --> 00:05:37,337
Jack Meechan, my father's partner,
used to smoke it.
65
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:41,091
The memory's so clearly
etched in my mind.
66
00:05:41,258 --> 00:05:45,428
He'd sit in his office smoking his pipe.
I'd beg to sit in his lap, and he'd say,
67
00:05:45,595 --> 00:05:48,682
"Okay, little miss,
but you have to pay the toll first."
68
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,934
So I'd give him a big hug,
and then he'd ask,
69
00:05:51,142 --> 00:05:52,644
"How about a tip
for the gatekeeper?"
70
00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:56,314
So I'd give him a peck on the cheek,
and he'd toss me in the air, yelling,
71
00:05:56,481 --> 00:06:00,110
"Who's your favorite uncle?"
And I'd squeal, "Uncle Jack, Uncle Jack."
72
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,156
Was this before or after
you met me?
73
00:06:08,201 --> 00:06:11,246
This is weird. What are you
making a big deal about the coat for?
74
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:14,749
I was merely trying to conjure up
an image of the owner.
75
00:06:14,916 --> 00:06:19,838
There's nothing wrong with that.
Fantasy's healthy. Everybody does it.
76
00:06:20,005 --> 00:06:22,007
Didn't you ever
fantasize about me?
77
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:25,010
Yeah, I guess I did.
78
00:06:26,219 --> 00:06:29,097
And I you.
What did you fantasize about?
79
00:06:29,264 --> 00:06:32,517
Mostly that you'd stop
using phrases like, "And I you."
80
00:06:35,437 --> 00:06:38,189
Okay, Watson, fire up.
81
00:06:44,696 --> 00:06:46,489
Cliff ie, are you all right?
82
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:50,535
It went right from my neck
to my lower regions, Norm.
83
00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,582
- Anything we can do?
- Yeah.
84
00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,251
Crank it up again.
85
00:07:02,631 --> 00:07:05,175
Woody, would you add up
these receipts for me, please?
86
00:07:05,383 --> 00:07:06,509
Sure.
87
00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:12,015
There's eight of them.
88
00:07:14,559 --> 00:07:18,229
Thank you, Woody.
That's what I got too.
89
00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:21,399
Hey, Sam, this guy
never came back for his coat.
90
00:07:21,608 --> 00:07:24,069
Probably saw Diane sniffing it.
91
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:28,198
- Night, all.
- Night, Woody.
92
00:07:28,365 --> 00:07:32,494
- Okay, Sam, lost and found.
- Give me that.
93
00:07:33,244 --> 00:07:36,081
Maybe there's some identification.
94
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,627
No wallet.
Well, there must be some clue here.
95
00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:45,423
You see?
Two tickets to the Grand Kabuki.
96
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:49,886
So he likes to watch
two fat guys with diapers butt heads.
97
00:07:51,846 --> 00:07:55,308
- What's that tell you?
- That you're an idiot.
98
00:07:56,184 --> 00:08:00,230
You're confusing sumo wrestling
with classic Japanese theatre.
99
00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,233
Gee, please don't tell the guys.
100
00:08:05,318 --> 00:08:08,780
A dried rose. What a romantic.
101
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:14,744
Could it be a memento from a golden
midi D'Amour in some sylvan setting?
102
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:20,041
What's that?
A classy way of saying a nooner?
103
00:08:22,085 --> 00:08:23,712
Boy, you're really losing it here.
104
00:08:23,878 --> 00:08:28,133
You know, you can't tell what a guy's
like by what he's got in his pocket.
105
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:32,053
I certainly can.
What do you have in your pockets?
106
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:35,640
Why don't you check it out
yourself and you tell me.
107
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,436
I think my point is made.
108
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:51,448
Has it occurred to you this guy may
look like Jo-Jo the Dog-Faced Boy?
109
00:08:52,907 --> 00:08:54,909
I can tell you right now
110
00:08:55,076 --> 00:08:58,246
that the owner of this coat
could well be the most attractive man
111
00:08:58,413 --> 00:09:01,166
I've ever encountered,
whatever he looks like.
112
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,126
Down, girl, down.
113
00:09:03,710 --> 00:09:07,589
What a person looks like
has nothing to do with who that person is.
114
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:11,217
If my face were transposed
on another soul, would it matter?
115
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:14,262
To the poor sap
who got it, it would.
116
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:19,851
Cheers.
117
00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:22,187
Oh, well, hold on a sec. I'll check.
118
00:09:22,353 --> 00:09:24,981
Have we seen a cashmere coat
with Bemberg lining around here?
119
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:26,107
Sam.
120
00:09:26,274 --> 00:09:28,860
Yeah, why don't you talk
to our coat-check girl.
121
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:33,073
The dream man
for Miss Chambers.
122
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:37,327
Hello.
My name is Diane Chambers,
123
00:09:37,494 --> 00:09:42,999
and I want you to rest assured
that your lovely coat is safe in my charge.
124
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:46,878
I think we have a bad connection.
125
00:09:47,045 --> 00:09:48,838
Your car phone?
126
00:09:49,506 --> 00:09:51,716
You know,
I imagined you had a car phone.
127
00:09:52,425 --> 00:09:56,471
Well, what I meant was, is we were
playing this game, wondering
128
00:09:56,638 --> 00:09:58,515
what you'd be like
based on your coat.
129
00:09:59,933 --> 00:10:02,185
Me?
Well, close your eyes and imagine.
130
00:10:02,393 --> 00:10:05,438
Oh, no, don't.
We don't want you rear-ending a bus.
131
00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:13,196
Oh, forgive my merry sense of humor.
I get it from my mother's side.
132
00:10:13,404 --> 00:10:16,908
- Oh, my God.
- He sounds wonderful.
133
00:10:17,075 --> 00:10:20,286
Really? Well, why don't you
ask him out, then.
134
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:22,205
Yes.
135
00:10:22,997 --> 00:10:24,874
Listen, you sound like
a charming man.
136
00:10:25,083 --> 00:10:29,796
If it's not too forward, perhaps we could
go for an espresso sometime?
137
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,257
Sometime?
Now, there's a commitment for you.
138
00:10:33,383 --> 00:10:36,427
On second thought,
I'm getting off work now.
139
00:10:36,719 --> 00:10:39,430
If you're not busy,
we could do it tonight.
140
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:46,479
Oh, we're both such spontaneous
madcaps, aren't we?
141
00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,901
You're right down the block?
Momentarily, then.
142
00:10:57,907 --> 00:11:01,995
Making a date with a stranger over
the telephone is a big mistake, Diane.
143
00:11:02,162 --> 00:11:04,873
I tried it.
It was nothing but trouble.
144
00:11:05,039 --> 00:11:07,917
Of course,
mine was an obscene phone call.
145
00:11:08,710 --> 00:11:12,922
I hope this works out. Busted
expectations are a real bummer.
146
00:11:13,173 --> 00:11:15,842
- I won't be disappointed.
- No, no, I was talking about him.
147
00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:22,265
Hey, hey, hey. Here comes
Mr. Right down the steps as we speak.
148
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:26,311
Socks.
He's already got my guy beat.
149
00:11:26,728 --> 00:11:30,523
- What, are you nervous there?
- Not at all.
150
00:11:44,037 --> 00:11:46,497
- Hi.
- Hi.
151
00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:50,835
- I bet you're the guy without the coat.
- Yes, I am. Diane?
152
00:11:51,002 --> 00:11:52,462
You should be so lucky.
153
00:11:57,008 --> 00:11:58,718
Diane.
154
00:11:59,928 --> 00:12:05,183
Aren't you going to introduce yourself
to this lovely gentleman?
155
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:10,146
Of course I am. I was just waiting
for the proper moment.
156
00:12:10,313 --> 00:12:13,066
I'm Diane Chambers.
How do you do? Welcome to Cheers.
157
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,235
I'm Stuart Sorenson.
158
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,862
- Well.
- Yes.
159
00:12:19,155 --> 00:12:21,324
- Oh, good, you have my coat.
- Ah, yes.
160
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:24,535
I can't tell you how grateful I am
for you taking such good care of it.
161
00:12:24,786 --> 00:12:27,580
Oh, it was my pleasure.
It's a lovely garment.
162
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,082
Did you get it on the Continent?
163
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:32,961
- France.
- "The Continent." Nice try, Diane.
164
00:12:33,544 --> 00:12:36,547
Hi, Stuart, I'm Sam Malone. I haven't
seen you in here before, have I?
165
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,716
Well, I'm new to the Boston area.
166
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:41,844
I'm in the midst of restoring
a carriage house on Beacon Hill.
167
00:12:42,053 --> 00:12:44,472
And I needed a break,
so I just wandered in here.
168
00:12:44,639 --> 00:12:46,766
- It's a nice little pub you have.
- Well, thank you.
169
00:12:46,933 --> 00:12:51,020
- That makes you a carpenter, huh?
- Sam, he's probably an architect.
170
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:54,232
- Why, yes, I am an architect.
- An architect, you say?
171
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,401
- Did you hear that, Sam?
- Three times.
172
00:12:59,279 --> 00:13:04,200
Listen, Diane, about that date, I realize
we made it over the phone and--
173
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:06,619
Well, here's your chance
to back out.
174
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:09,998
This lady's not going to let you
off that easily.
175
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:12,709
But it was a nice try there, Stuart.
176
00:13:15,044 --> 00:13:16,963
Do you know a place
still open for espresso?
177
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:20,508
As a matter of fact,
I know a wonderful little boîte.
178
00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:23,428
Every time I go there,
I'm reminded of the Café Lumière,
179
00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,596
opposite the bois de Boulogne.
180
00:13:25,805 --> 00:13:27,557
I know exactly
the one you're talking about.
181
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,684
It's in the lobby
of the Hôtel Sainte-Cécile.
182
00:13:29,892 --> 00:13:31,978
- Yes.
- Well.
183
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:34,522
That's the only place I stay
when I'm in Paris.
184
00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:36,899
Oh, I'm sorry.
That sounded so pretentious.
185
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,987
There's my car phone.
186
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:43,948
That sounded pretentious too.
187
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:45,825
Oh, hell, so I'm pretentious.
188
00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:51,914
- Do you mind if I go get that?
- Not at all. I'll meet you at your car.
189
00:13:57,628 --> 00:14:00,298
There's a back way out of here.
You gotta shinny up a drainpipe,
190
00:14:00,506 --> 00:14:03,801
crawl over some broken glass,
but I think it may be worth it.
191
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,473
What are you talking about?
I feel totally vindicated.
192
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:10,600
He's everything
I thought he would be.
193
00:14:10,808 --> 00:14:14,145
He's charming, intelligent,
self-deprecating.
194
00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,647
I didn't hear "attractive" in there.
195
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:21,361
- I find him attractive.
- Oh, come on, Diane.
196
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:25,823
On a scale of one to ten,
me being a 12, of course,
197
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:29,160
where are you gonna rate Stuart?
198
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:34,165
Let's change that to IQ.
199
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:38,503
While your score would remain 12...
200
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:41,631
...his would skyrocket.
201
00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:44,801
It's too bad you're not gonna be
gazing across the table at his IQ.
202
00:14:45,802 --> 00:14:48,221
Why don't you just admit
you're jealous.
203
00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:52,600
All right, I am.
You're right, but can you blame me?
204
00:14:53,935 --> 00:14:56,646
Sam, are you saying
what I think you're saying?
205
00:14:56,854 --> 00:15:00,274
You bet I am.
I'd kill for a car phone.
206
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:14,622
Two vodka tonics.
207
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:18,876
- So where's the stick?
- She and Stuart are on another date.
208
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:21,671
They went to see a play.
I think it's a whodunnit.
209
00:15:22,296 --> 00:15:24,048
With him in the audience,
it's a what-is-it.
210
00:15:24,215 --> 00:15:26,551
Hey, hey, come on.
Lighten up on him, will you?
211
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,428
He turned out to be
kind of a nice fella.
212
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:30,430
Gonna have to give
Diane credit on this one.
213
00:15:30,638 --> 00:15:32,098
Her intuition proved to be right.
214
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:37,395
I'm a great believer in intuition.
It's like when I first saw you, Sam.
215
00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:40,857
Something told me you were
super smooth with the ladies.
216
00:15:41,023 --> 00:15:43,276
Maybe it was that time you
walked out of here with four of them,
217
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:45,987
one on each arm. You know,
218
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:49,949
you always just seem to know
the right moves.
219
00:15:50,158 --> 00:15:53,327
Sometimes I like to just stand around
and watch you operate.
220
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:57,832
- It's like going to school.
- I never really thought of it like that.
221
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:00,334
Well, yes, I have.
222
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:06,424
Well, so there we were,
223
00:16:06,591 --> 00:16:11,345
me and 25 soaking wet
Japanese architects in my apartment,
224
00:16:11,554 --> 00:16:13,681
and I'm out of Brie.
225
00:16:16,893 --> 00:16:20,146
Oh, Stuart, what a life you've led.
226
00:16:20,354 --> 00:16:22,857
Make yourself comfortable.
I'll get our drinks.
227
00:16:23,107 --> 00:16:25,026
Hey, Stuart, how was the theatre?
228
00:16:25,234 --> 00:16:26,986
- Great fun, Sam.
- Oh, good.
229
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,948
Hey, Miss Chambers?
230
00:16:31,282 --> 00:16:33,910
I've been meaning to tell you,
I really like your friend Stuart.
231
00:16:34,076 --> 00:16:35,578
Oh, thank you, Woody.
232
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:39,207
Hey, you think you could get him
to do that great trick for me?
233
00:16:40,791 --> 00:16:42,210
What trick?
234
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:46,088
The one Sam says he does when he
makes the clock stop by looking at it.
235
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:52,136
Wasn't that just supposed to be
between you, me and the lamppost?
236
00:16:52,512 --> 00:16:55,348
Well, look at her.
It's an easy mistake.
237
00:16:59,685 --> 00:17:02,688
Excuse me.
I have to speak with Sam.
238
00:17:02,939 --> 00:17:05,566
I'll be back before
the bouquet leaves the glasses.
239
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,277
Might I speak with you briefly?
240
00:17:09,654 --> 00:17:12,657
You might,
but I don't think you will.
241
00:17:15,326 --> 00:17:17,119
I'm sorry about that clock comment.
242
00:17:17,286 --> 00:17:20,206
I made it before I realized
what a nice guy he is.
243
00:17:23,626 --> 00:17:26,045
I'm such a pooh.
244
00:17:28,214 --> 00:17:31,092
- Beg your pardon?
- You heard me. A pooh.
245
00:17:34,470 --> 00:17:39,684
After all these years,
I have to admit it. I'm all talk.
246
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:45,481
Oh, well, of course you are, honey,
but we've all gotten used to that.
247
00:17:47,733 --> 00:17:51,279
Sam, I have spent the week
with a person
248
00:17:52,238 --> 00:17:55,157
who can converse
on a multitude of subjects,
249
00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:58,828
who listens when I talk,
250
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,956
who treats me with respect.
251
00:18:02,206 --> 00:18:04,458
And a person with whom
I can think of nothing but,
252
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:07,336
"Why aren't you great-looking?"
253
00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:11,716
Or, "Why can't I stop wishing
you were great-looking?"
254
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,885
This is probably not the right time
to say I told you so,
255
00:18:15,052 --> 00:18:18,639
so if you could just remind me
to get to it later.
256
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:21,809
Oh, Sam.
257
00:18:23,352 --> 00:18:26,105
I'm small and vain and petty.
258
00:18:26,355 --> 00:18:30,526
Will you stop being hard on yourself?
I mean, that's my job here. Come on.
259
00:18:30,693 --> 00:18:33,863
You had, what, few casual
dates with him? What's the big deal?
260
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,699
Yes, but as often happens
in my life,
261
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:40,578
this gentleman is becoming
much too serious, much too fast.
262
00:18:41,370 --> 00:18:44,790
He's wearing that smitten look
I know so well.
263
00:18:46,292 --> 00:18:48,878
I've got to do something
before it goes any further.
264
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:50,463
I see.
265
00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:55,801
For the first time in my life I can't
bring myself to tell the truth to a man so...
266
00:18:56,719 --> 00:18:58,512
...I need a lie.
267
00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:01,140
And God forgive me,
I'm coming to you for help.
268
00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,936
Well, I'm flattered.
269
00:19:06,145 --> 00:19:10,399
All right, let me... Let me give this
a little thought here.
270
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:15,196
All right. All right, I've never passed
this one on before, but I think it's--
271
00:19:15,363 --> 00:19:18,866
I think it's the ticket here.
It's neat, fast, clean and, best of all,
272
00:19:19,033 --> 00:19:22,328
it makes them want to get away
from you. Now, here's what you do.
273
00:19:22,536 --> 00:19:26,123
You tell him that you have
a contagious skin condition
274
00:19:26,332 --> 00:19:29,543
and that insanity
runs in your family.
275
00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:32,755
Very sensitive.
276
00:19:33,673 --> 00:19:36,509
Well, thank you. It's a gift.
277
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:41,597
Sam, I have never been
more grateful to you than I am now.
278
00:19:41,806 --> 00:19:44,934
I just looked into the face
of insensitivity and dishonesty,
279
00:19:45,101 --> 00:19:46,227
and it made me blanch.
280
00:19:46,727 --> 00:19:51,649
I am going out there,
and I'm going to break up with Stuart.
281
00:19:51,899 --> 00:19:56,821
But I'm going to do it honestly,
straightforwardly and yet, caringly.
282
00:19:57,363 --> 00:20:01,617
I'll tell him the truth of my feelings,
that I'm not attracted to him romantically,
283
00:20:01,784 --> 00:20:04,120
although I am very attracted to him
as a friend.
284
00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:08,457
And I'll say it in a way that
285
00:20:08,666 --> 00:20:12,628
he will accept and understand
and be grateful for.
286
00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:15,214
Do you even begin to understand
what I'm trying to say?
287
00:20:16,424 --> 00:20:20,469
Everything except the part
where you changed your name to Blanche.
288
00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:27,309
Goodbye, Sam.
289
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,563
Goodbye, Blanche.
290
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:38,070
Thank you.
291
00:20:39,572 --> 00:20:41,323
- Listen, Stuart--
- Diane, I'm sorry.
292
00:20:41,490 --> 00:20:45,161
I can't put this off any longer.
There's something I have to tell you.
293
00:20:46,495 --> 00:20:48,664
Diane, for the first time in my life,
294
00:20:48,831 --> 00:20:51,417
I'm thinking of making a permanent
commitment with a woman.
295
00:20:53,002 --> 00:20:57,465
Stuart, I have a contagious skin
disease and insanity runs in my family.
296
00:21:01,135 --> 00:21:03,929
My God, Diane,
I'm terribly sorry to hear that.
297
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,140
Thank you.
I thought you should know.
298
00:21:08,058 --> 00:21:10,186
Well, that makes me feel
a little selfish,
299
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:12,688
talking about my good news
after hearing that.
300
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:15,232
Your good news?
301
00:21:15,983 --> 00:21:18,861
Diane, what I'm trying to say is...
302
00:21:19,403 --> 00:21:20,780
...there's someone else.
303
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:23,574
She's someone I knew
before I met you.
304
00:21:23,741 --> 00:21:27,244
I honestly thought it was over
between us, but--
305
00:21:27,453 --> 00:21:31,457
Well, we spoke earlier today,
and we decided to work things through.
306
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:38,923
You're telling the truth,
aren't you, Stuart?
307
00:21:40,549 --> 00:21:42,760
Well, that's the most
wonderful thing I ever heard.
308
00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:47,890
It's tearing me apart inside.
309
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,601
I'm a total wreck.
310
00:21:51,352 --> 00:21:54,313
Don't give up hope, Diane.
No relationship is guaranteed.
311
00:21:54,522 --> 00:21:57,066
Except yours.
Don't you doubt for a moment.
312
00:21:57,274 --> 00:22:01,487
- We're talking ironclad here.
- Well, thank you.
313
00:22:01,946 --> 00:22:04,865
By the way, have you seen
a doctor about that condition of yours?
314
00:22:05,032 --> 00:22:06,075
What con--?
315
00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:09,245
Oh, yes, yes.
I'm seeing a wonderful man.
316
00:22:09,411 --> 00:22:11,413
He's almost
cleared it up completely.
317
00:22:11,622 --> 00:22:15,501
He's about got
that insanity thing licked too.
318
00:22:17,253 --> 00:22:19,672
He's a skin and brain man.
319
00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:21,966
It's a new specialty.
320
00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:25,344
Sounds fascinating.
321
00:22:25,594 --> 00:22:31,183
Well, Diane, I'm really glad we had
this chance to know each other.
322
00:22:31,392 --> 00:22:32,977
Me too.
323
00:22:33,227 --> 00:22:36,105
- Goodbye, Diane.
- Goodbye, Stuart.
324
00:22:41,485 --> 00:22:44,905
Hey, congratulations.
You're free and clear.
325
00:22:45,155 --> 00:22:49,368
Don't congratulate me.
He's a terrific guy.
326
00:22:49,577 --> 00:22:53,247
And I cast him aside
because of his appearance.
327
00:22:53,539 --> 00:22:54,957
I'm greatly ashamed.
328
00:22:55,165 --> 00:22:57,293
Well, from where I was sitting,
it sounded like he was--
329
00:22:57,501 --> 00:23:00,462
All right, Sam, let's not split hairs.
330
00:23:02,423 --> 00:23:03,757
The point is, he's gone.
331
00:23:03,924 --> 00:23:08,971
For the first time ever, I let appearance
taint my feelings toward a man.
332
00:23:09,597 --> 00:23:12,683
Boy, you know what's wrong with you?
You just can't be honest with yourself.
333
00:23:12,850 --> 00:23:15,352
Looks are all
that ever mattered to you.
334
00:23:17,438 --> 00:23:22,151
What are you talking about?
That is utterly inaccurate.
335
00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:23,944
Oh, yeah?
Want me to prove it to you?
336
00:23:24,445 --> 00:23:25,446
Yes.
337
00:23:27,156 --> 00:23:31,243
Who were you more crazy about
than anyone else in your entire life?
338
00:23:31,493 --> 00:23:35,748
Not including yourself there.
Don't answer. It was me.
339
00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:38,375
And there was only one reason
why you ever went out with me,
340
00:23:38,542 --> 00:23:39,919
and that was because of my looks.
341
00:23:42,504 --> 00:23:44,840
- Not entirely.
- Yes, entirely.
342
00:23:45,090 --> 00:23:48,969
Name one other reason
why anyone would go out with me.
343
00:23:50,387 --> 00:23:54,058
Go on, name one.
You can't, can you?
344
00:23:54,558 --> 00:23:57,728
No, Sam, I can't.