1
00:00:01,084 --> 00:00:04,713
Hey, Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:08,258
Hey, everybody,
I got a letter from my dog.
3
00:00:08,634 --> 00:00:10,844
Pretty spiffy handwriting for a dog.
4
00:00:11,011 --> 00:00:12,721
Well, it's not actually
from my dog.
5
00:00:12,888 --> 00:00:15,557
My mom writes the letters
as if they're from my dog, Truman.
6
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:18,519
Weird beyond imagination, Norm.
7
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:20,646
Listen to this,
8
00:00:20,812 --> 00:00:23,565
"Dear Woody,
Boy, what a great day I had.
9
00:00:23,732 --> 00:00:25,400
I pulled all the laundry
off the line,
10
00:00:25,609 --> 00:00:27,152
chewed up your father's
bowling shoes,
11
00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:31,198
and grabbed a Yankee pot roast
off the table. Yum, yum."
12
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,075
Isn't that cute?
13
00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,869
The mutt eats better than I do.
14
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:38,372
"By the way, now that you're
not here to keep me in line,
15
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,541
your mother's thinking
about putting me to sleep.
16
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,125
I certainly wouldn't blame her,
17
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:45,087
and I don't want you to either
after I'm gone."
18
00:00:45,963 --> 00:00:49,132
Sam, cover me.
I gotta make a phone call.
19
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:06,251
- Drinks are up.
- Right away.
20
00:02:06,418 --> 00:02:09,796
I need a vodka Gibson, up,
a bloody Mary,
21
00:02:09,963 --> 00:02:12,591
a Johnnie Walker black,
two Beck's, and change for a 20.
22
00:02:13,467 --> 00:02:14,885
- Change for a 20, Sam.
- Damn!
23
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:17,554
Carla's been on the phone
for two hours here.
24
00:02:17,721 --> 00:02:21,350
She probably got an obscene
phone call and won't let him off.
25
00:02:22,643 --> 00:02:25,020
Okay, five, ten, ten, 20.
26
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,982
Can you believe it, Sam?
How far I've come?
27
00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:33,278
Right before your eyes,
I've turned into a waitressing machine.
28
00:02:33,445 --> 00:02:34,696
Even in this pandemonium,
29
00:02:34,863 --> 00:02:37,324
I have everything
perfectly under control.
30
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:41,662
There you go.
31
00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,460
And here's your
change for the 20.
32
00:02:48,627 --> 00:02:49,586
Thank you.
33
00:02:51,004 --> 00:02:52,381
See what I mean?
34
00:02:52,547 --> 00:02:55,550
Always sit at her station.
35
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,720
Did you hear that, Sam?
36
00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,597
Still busy.
37
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:02,724
Sam, I've got to get home
38
00:03:02,891 --> 00:03:05,560
and start preparing for that interview
for the part-time job.
39
00:03:05,769 --> 00:03:07,437
What interview?
40
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:09,481
You know, the teaching assistant
at the college.
41
00:03:09,648 --> 00:03:11,400
Oh, right.
All right, go on, take off.
42
00:03:11,566 --> 00:03:13,110
Woody and I
will take care of you here.
43
00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:16,530
Listen, don't fall in that same trap
you did with Sumner.
44
00:03:18,365 --> 00:03:22,327
Sam, my intimate relationship
with Sumner
45
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:27,207
had nothing to do with the fact
that I was his teaching assistant.
46
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:30,669
Sumner took advantage
of a naive young coed.
47
00:03:30,877 --> 00:03:33,505
I have learned since then,
from bitter experience.
48
00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:36,425
I am older, wiser,
49
00:03:36,591 --> 00:03:39,636
and I have a lot more units
under my belt.
50
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:44,641
Hey, Woody, give me a refill,
would you?
51
00:03:45,016 --> 00:03:46,810
Coming up.
52
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,479
You know, Mr. Peterson,
you're amazing.
53
00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:51,064
How do you keep
putting them away?
54
00:03:51,481 --> 00:03:54,234
Well, it's all done with mirrors, son.
55
00:03:55,277 --> 00:03:58,947
I just never look in one.
56
00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:01,825
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey.
57
00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:05,454
Buckle your seatbelts and get ready
for a blast into the unknown.
58
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:08,790
I've got a phenomenon here which,
well, I'm sure will inspire
59
00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:12,586
the legendary Jack Palance
to utter the infamous words,
60
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:14,087
"Believe it or not."
61
00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:17,174
Get a load of this.
62
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:21,136
- What's that?
- Potato, right?
63
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:24,931
It's no ordinary, common,
garden-variety russet, Norm.
64
00:04:25,098 --> 00:04:28,268
Though, I'm proud to say,
I did grow it myself.
65
00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:32,230
It's the spitting image
of Richard Milhous Nixon. Look.
66
00:04:36,234 --> 00:04:38,028
What, you find this amusing?
67
00:04:38,195 --> 00:04:41,323
No. No, I find it
historically significant, Cliff.
68
00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:43,408
Look, look at the eye.
69
00:04:43,617 --> 00:04:46,912
Well, all right, forget about
the third one there, but look at those eyes.
70
00:04:47,078 --> 00:04:49,581
The ski-jump nose, the jowls, huh?
71
00:04:49,748 --> 00:04:53,376
He's even got a little bit of sweat
there on the upper lip.
72
00:04:53,543 --> 00:04:54,628
Come on, man.
73
00:04:55,378 --> 00:04:57,088
All right, maybe this
will help you out.
74
00:04:57,798 --> 00:05:00,592
I am not a crook.
75
00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:03,386
Sorry, it still doesn't
look like Nixon.
76
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:06,640
Sure sounds like him though.
77
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:09,226
Hi, guys.
78
00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:13,355
Hey, Carla, I got a potato here
looks just like Richard Nixon.
79
00:05:14,022 --> 00:05:17,359
Big deal. Find one that doesn't,
then get back to me.
80
00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:23,990
We were really hopping around here
a couple hours ago, you know.
81
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,534
So why didn't you
call me sooner?
82
00:05:25,700 --> 00:05:27,577
I tried to, but your phone
was busy.
83
00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,956
Oh, sorry. My oldest must have been
talking to his girlfriend.
84
00:05:31,623 --> 00:05:33,959
- Where's Diane anyway?
- Oh, I gave her the night off.
85
00:05:34,125 --> 00:05:37,629
She's trying to interview
for a TA job down at the college.
86
00:05:38,338 --> 00:05:41,800
She'll never get it.
She's a big A with no Ts.
87
00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:45,720
So Anthony has got himself
a girlfriend, huh?
88
00:05:45,929 --> 00:05:47,305
It's sickening, Sam.
89
00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:50,267
Everyday it's,
"Annie this. Annie that."
90
00:05:50,433 --> 00:05:53,228
Walks around the apartment
all moony-eyed.
91
00:05:53,395 --> 00:05:56,147
I think my kid's
turned into a weenie.
92
00:05:56,314 --> 00:05:58,066
Well, don't be too hard
on the lad, Carla.
93
00:05:58,233 --> 00:06:00,277
You know, men will do
some pretty strange things
94
00:06:00,443 --> 00:06:02,237
to have a woman by their side.
95
00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:05,031
In your case, inflate one.
96
00:06:09,369 --> 00:06:12,455
You know who I hold
responsible for this? Nick.
97
00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:15,375
- Who's Nick?
- He's Anthony's father.
98
00:06:15,584 --> 00:06:17,210
His biological father.
99
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:20,839
Wow, a scientist.
100
00:06:24,050 --> 00:06:26,219
You know, what my boy
needs now
101
00:06:26,386 --> 00:06:28,847
is just a little adult male
companionship
102
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:30,557
to snap him out of this.
103
00:06:30,724 --> 00:06:31,933
How about it, Sam?
104
00:06:32,350 --> 00:06:35,061
Come on, find somebody else.
Call Nick.
105
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,480
Come on. You know Nick's idea
of fatherhood:
106
00:06:37,647 --> 00:06:40,317
When the egg splits,
so does he.
107
00:06:41,568 --> 00:06:44,112
- Come on.
- What exactly would I have to do?
108
00:06:44,279 --> 00:06:46,907
Just take him out and show him
a great time, you know?
109
00:06:47,115 --> 00:06:48,825
A real night on the town.
110
00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:51,661
Wild, crazy, borderline illegal.
111
00:06:51,870 --> 00:06:55,248
I guess I could handle that.
Yeah, why not?
112
00:06:55,415 --> 00:06:58,418
It's about time the kid learned
how much fun it was to play the field.
113
00:06:58,585 --> 00:07:00,295
- Right.
- Hey, wait just a second here.
114
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,881
Let's not give marriage
a bad rap, huh?
115
00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,841
It's a fine institution.
116
00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:07,218
Matter of fact, go ahead
and ask any single man here
117
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,596
if he wouldn't gladly trade places
with me for a night.
118
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,516
Anybody?
119
00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,435
Please.
120
00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:16,937
One night.
121
00:07:17,103 --> 00:07:21,066
Oh, come on, fellas. I'm offering
transportation and a hot meal.
122
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:28,990
No, no, this is second-term Nixon.
Yeah.
123
00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:33,453
Yeah, this tater is definitely showing
the strain of Watergate here.
124
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:36,456
Not--? Not newsworthy?
125
00:07:36,623 --> 00:07:39,209
Oh, well, excuse me for living there,
buddy boy.
126
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:43,380
Yeah, I'll call you back
when my potato marries a rock star!
127
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:46,758
New York Times, my foot!
128
00:07:46,925 --> 00:07:49,928
If the news doesn't come out
of Moscow, they're not interested.
129
00:07:50,095 --> 00:07:52,305
Hey, what do you think?
You like the game?
130
00:07:52,472 --> 00:07:54,432
Yeah, that was great.
Where's your phone, Sammo?
131
00:07:54,599 --> 00:07:56,226
Oh, come on, give her a break,
will you?
132
00:07:56,434 --> 00:08:00,522
You called her four times tonight.
She's probably half asleep.
133
00:08:03,358 --> 00:08:05,151
Cheers.
134
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,861
Just a minute.
135
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:08,571
Who you looking for?
136
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,700
Some girl wants to talk
to the outlaw of love.
137
00:08:12,283 --> 00:08:14,703
She tracked me down.
138
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:18,164
Hey, hey, that's Annie.
That's Annie. Let me have it.
139
00:08:20,083 --> 00:08:23,294
He's fine, Annie,
and he'll call you tomorrow.
140
00:08:23,461 --> 00:08:25,547
Yes, he's still a hunk.
141
00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,882
Okay, I will. Good night.
142
00:08:28,091 --> 00:08:30,343
I owe you one, Sam.
143
00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:35,640
Anthony, consider yourself
kissed good night.
144
00:08:35,807 --> 00:08:37,934
Okay, you want
that root beer, huh?
145
00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,645
Great. That's me and Annie's favorite.
146
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:43,481
She loves it when I make it
come out my nose.
147
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:48,028
Yeah, I know.
That always works for me too.
148
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:50,864
Listen, Anthony...
149
00:08:51,322 --> 00:08:54,743
- ...I know you like Annie a lot--
- Oh, no.
150
00:08:55,785 --> 00:08:57,078
I love her.
151
00:08:58,038 --> 00:09:00,915
Anthony, there's only two times
a man uses that word:
152
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:03,043
tennis, and when he's already
paid for the room.
153
00:09:03,209 --> 00:09:04,169
You know what I mean?
154
00:09:05,170 --> 00:09:07,505
My ma, she says the same thing.
155
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:10,341
She acts like we're kids
or something.
156
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:17,390
I'll tell you, just between you and me--
I mean, you don't tell my ma.
157
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:20,685
Me and Annie,
we're talking about getting married.
158
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:24,647
- What? You get her pregnant?
- Oh, she ain't pregnant!
159
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:27,192
We think that sex before marriage
is a sin.
160
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,235
Afterwards, it's just one more
damn thing
161
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:31,488
to take your pants off for,
you know?
162
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,493
Anthony, you don't know
what you're doing.
163
00:09:36,659 --> 00:09:38,036
I mean, look at me, will you?
164
00:09:38,203 --> 00:09:41,164
I'm single.
I've got a great life going here.
165
00:09:41,664 --> 00:09:46,169
Look, most guys go through
their entire life with only one woman.
166
00:09:46,377 --> 00:09:50,048
- Yeah.
- I got three under Q.
167
00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,760
This whole book is women?
168
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,678
This book and my life.
169
00:09:55,887 --> 00:09:57,639
Tell you what...
170
00:09:58,014 --> 00:09:59,057
...pick a name, any name.
171
00:09:59,224 --> 00:10:01,059
I'm gonna show you
what a no-strings good time
172
00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,894
I got at my fingertips here.
173
00:10:03,061 --> 00:10:04,896
Go ahead. Any name.
174
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,940
- Beth Hollister.
- Beth Hollister.
175
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:10,235
All right. Very good choice.
176
00:10:10,401 --> 00:10:13,238
It's a toll call, but it's worth it.
177
00:10:16,032 --> 00:10:19,077
Hey, Beth? Hi, it's Sam Malone.
178
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,496
Yeah. Yeah, well, I know
it's been a long time.
179
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:25,083
That's why I'm calling. I thought
maybe we'd get together tonight.
180
00:10:25,250 --> 00:10:29,337
Oh, no. Well, is it something
you can put off until later?
181
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:31,631
No, no, no.
182
00:10:31,798 --> 00:10:34,843
No, I wouldn't want you to miss
your first Weight Watchers meeting.
183
00:10:36,511 --> 00:10:38,471
Tomorrow? Me? Well...
184
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:43,726
God, Beth, I think my appendix
just burst. Will you excuse me?
185
00:10:46,938 --> 00:10:50,275
Being single means
you gotta think fast on your feet.
186
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,569
Go ahead. Pick another name.
Any name.
187
00:10:54,863 --> 00:10:57,407
- Candy. Candy Simpson.
- Candy Simpson.
188
00:10:57,824 --> 00:11:01,369
Come to Papa. All right.
You're good, kid.
189
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:04,247
Then again, so is Candy.
190
00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,833
Hi, is Candy in?
191
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,251
Candy. Sam Malone.
192
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:10,128
Yeah, you remember me?
193
00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,588
Yeah, all right.
194
00:11:11,754 --> 00:11:15,592
You still into hot fudge sundaes
for breakfast?
195
00:11:15,758 --> 00:11:19,053
You're not?
Oh, hell, I'm on the wrong page here.
196
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:21,973
Listen...
197
00:11:22,140 --> 00:11:25,602
...what I want-- What I want
to say here, Candy...
198
00:11:25,768 --> 00:11:27,520
...is I want you.
199
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:31,316
Yeah. Well, there you go.
200
00:11:31,482 --> 00:11:33,276
Will you excuse me for a minute?
201
00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:36,196
This is getting kind of hot.
I'm gonna take this in my office.
202
00:11:36,362 --> 00:11:37,614
Woody, you wanna hang that up?
203
00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:40,575
Just make yourself comfortable there.
204
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:44,454
That guy's got a great life,
doesn't he?
205
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:45,914
Great?
206
00:11:46,080 --> 00:11:48,416
He's got no one to come home to,
nobody to care about,
207
00:11:48,583 --> 00:11:51,085
and no reason to even get up
in the morning.
208
00:11:51,544 --> 00:11:54,130
And he drives a Corvette.
209
00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:06,684
This looks excellent,
Miss Chambers.
210
00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,062
I'd have to say,
on the basis of this résumé,
211
00:12:09,229 --> 00:12:11,773
that you're my leading candidate.
212
00:12:12,357 --> 00:12:14,567
Oh, I can't tell you how thrilled I am.
213
00:12:14,734 --> 00:12:17,028
I think you're the best
in your department,
214
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,197
and I'd love to work with you.
215
00:12:19,405 --> 00:12:23,368
Well, good. Now, I do have to interview
a couple of people tomorrow,
216
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:26,287
but I'll be letting you know anon.
217
00:12:26,537 --> 00:12:29,290
Terribly good to hear
the King's English.
218
00:12:29,457 --> 00:12:31,918
- Thank you for coming.
- Oh, my pleasure.
219
00:12:32,126 --> 00:12:35,296
Oh, by the way, I got an excellent
recommendation for you.
220
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:38,549
- Recommendation?
- From Sumner Sloane.
221
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:41,719
He's a colleague of mine.
You used to work for him, right?
222
00:12:42,095 --> 00:12:43,805
That's right.
223
00:12:43,972 --> 00:12:46,224
How nice of him.
Lovely man, Sumner.
224
00:12:46,224 --> 00:12:49,018
He gave you very high marks.
225
00:12:51,354 --> 00:12:55,149
- Well, goodbye.
- Bye-bye.
226
00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:01,030
High marks?
227
00:13:01,572 --> 00:13:03,825
What exactly did you mean
by that?
228
00:13:04,075 --> 00:13:09,289
Well, among other things,
that you have an unbridled enthusiasm.
229
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:16,170
I see. Goodbye.
230
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:21,467
I'm a little unclear on "enthusiasm."
231
00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:24,053
Well, enthusiasm:
232
00:13:24,220 --> 00:13:26,597
That you don't mind taking on
extra duties
233
00:13:26,764 --> 00:13:29,767
and working overtime, if necessary.
234
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:37,608
Of course that's what he meant.
What else could he mean?
235
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:40,528
Goodbye.
236
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:43,448
I will not sleep with you!
237
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:45,742
What?
238
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:51,164
Oh, my God,
I can't believe I said that.
239
00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:54,876
I think that concludes our interview.
240
00:13:55,960 --> 00:13:57,879
Dr Moffat, I'm terribly sorry.
241
00:13:58,046 --> 00:14:00,965
I didn't for a moment mean to imply
that you want to have sex with me.
242
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:03,384
I'm sure that's the farthest thing
from your mind.
243
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:06,346
Not that you don't have
a healthy interest in sex.
244
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,723
I'm sure you think about it
all the time.
245
00:14:08,931 --> 00:14:10,892
Well, not all the time.
You're not obsessed.
246
00:14:11,100 --> 00:14:13,019
But when it comes to sex,
247
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,813
I'm sure you could hold your own
with a man half your age.
248
00:14:19,192 --> 00:14:22,528
That's not to say
that you like young men.
249
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:24,697
Or any men.
250
00:14:26,032 --> 00:14:28,868
Not that any man wouldn't be
happy to have you.
251
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:32,872
As would any woman.
Except me.
252
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,124
Although, I could be.
But I'm not.
253
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,085
But that's not saying
that I couldn't be.
254
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:40,797
This just isn't the time or the place
or the circumstance.
255
00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:43,341
But by that, I'm certainly not saying
that you're flabby.
256
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:45,760
Why did I say that?
257
00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:49,138
This isn't going well, is it?
258
00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:58,398
Okay. All right, everybody.
Open your eyes.
259
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:03,945
What's--? What's so funny?
260
00:15:04,153 --> 00:15:06,948
A blue suit with a brown tie?
261
00:15:07,115 --> 00:15:10,451
Well, hey, I did the best I could,
you know.
262
00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:14,122
It's not easy coming up with
a Ken doll on short notice.
263
00:15:14,288 --> 00:15:16,707
I wonder if you guys realize
how limited his wardrobe is.
264
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:18,626
Now, Barbie's is
much more extensive.
265
00:15:18,793 --> 00:15:21,796
She's got her own car,
little high heels.
266
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,798
Cliff. Listen to me, Cliff.
267
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:25,550
You're my best friend, okay?
268
00:15:25,716 --> 00:15:29,512
If the situation were reversed,
I'd want you to say this to me.
269
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,640
You've gone completely
off the deep end.
270
00:15:33,057 --> 00:15:34,559
You've always been
kind of a weird guy,
271
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:36,436
but this is just a little bit
too much.
272
00:15:37,270 --> 00:15:40,440
I want you to look what you've done
and think about this, Cliff.
273
00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:46,070
You've knocked the head off a doll
and put a potato in its place.
274
00:15:46,696 --> 00:15:51,284
And you actually want people
to, like, come and know this.
275
00:15:53,911 --> 00:15:56,289
Well, yeah, I guess you're right,
Normie.
276
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:57,748
Yeah.
277
00:15:57,915 --> 00:15:59,834
Been taking it
a little bit too seriously.
278
00:16:00,001 --> 00:16:02,295
I've been under some
strain lately and...
279
00:16:02,462 --> 00:16:03,671
It's okay, it's okay.
280
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:07,091
Thanks. You know, thanks for
pulling in those reins and saying,
281
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:09,719
"Whoa, Paint,
you're working up a froth."
282
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:16,434
Hey, how's Anthony doing, Carla?
283
00:16:16,601 --> 00:16:18,686
I hope he didn't break
little Annie's heart.
284
00:16:18,853 --> 00:16:21,481
But then again,
he did see life in the Sammy lane.
285
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:26,235
Oh, how do you do that? How do you
make your eyes shake like that?
286
00:16:27,737 --> 00:16:29,697
Anthony's talking about
getting married!
287
00:16:34,619 --> 00:16:36,871
I don't know what happened
after he left here,
288
00:16:37,038 --> 00:16:38,414
but up until that point,
289
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:41,250
Annie had "Destination Dump City"
written all over her.
290
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:44,128
Yeah, well, he said he'd only been
thinking about getting married
291
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:46,297
until last night
when you changed his mind.
292
00:16:46,464 --> 00:16:48,466
No way did he want to end up,
and I quote,
293
00:16:48,674 --> 00:16:51,093
"A lonely old skirt-chaser like Sam."
294
00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:52,553
Blasphemy.
295
00:16:53,221 --> 00:16:54,680
What did you tell my kid, huh?
296
00:16:55,306 --> 00:16:59,644
Well, basically, why buy the cow
when you can get the milk for free?
297
00:17:00,269 --> 00:17:02,104
Well, I'll tell you why.
298
00:17:02,271 --> 00:17:04,815
Companionship, warmth on a cold night,
299
00:17:04,982 --> 00:17:07,401
someone to share your old age with.
300
00:17:07,568 --> 00:17:09,779
You think he should marry her?
301
00:17:10,780 --> 00:17:12,949
I thought we were talking
about a cow.
302
00:17:18,162 --> 00:17:20,873
- Hey, Ma!
- Hello, Mrs Tortelli.
303
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,042
Vixen.
304
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:26,379
- Nice to see you too.
- What are you doing here?
305
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:30,883
Look, Ma, I don't like us
being all mad at each other.
306
00:17:31,842 --> 00:17:33,344
You know I love you.
307
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:35,137
So let's be buds.
308
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:37,056
What do you want?
309
00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:40,017
I don't want nothing.
310
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,647
Except for you to sign
this consent form, Ma.
311
00:17:45,856 --> 00:17:47,233
Consent?
312
00:17:47,400 --> 00:17:49,235
You want me to sign
a consent form?
313
00:17:49,443 --> 00:17:53,030
Yeah. Annie's parents
already agreed to sign it, Ma.
314
00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:55,992
Sure, no problem.
I'll sign a consent form.
315
00:17:56,158 --> 00:17:57,660
This is my new way
of signing my name.
316
00:17:57,827 --> 00:17:59,579
- Ma!
- No! You're only 16.
317
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,205
You were pregnant
when you were 16.
318
00:18:01,497 --> 00:18:04,250
Yeah, but I wasn't stupid enough
to be married.
319
00:18:05,793 --> 00:18:08,963
Come on, Anthony. Let's just take
the bus to Jersey to see your old man.
320
00:18:09,171 --> 00:18:11,173
You only need
one parent's permission.
321
00:18:11,340 --> 00:18:13,050
Oh, forget him.
My father's a bum.
322
00:18:13,384 --> 00:18:15,678
Hey, don't you talk
about your father that way.
323
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:19,849
- Okay, he's a sleazy bum.
- That's better.
324
00:18:20,057 --> 00:18:21,309
But I'll tell you this, Ma:
325
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,519
If I don't get your consent,
I'll get his,
326
00:18:23,686 --> 00:18:27,064
because one way or another,
I am marrying Annie.
327
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:31,235
And I was hoping that I could have
Annie as my lovely wife
328
00:18:31,402 --> 00:18:32,737
and still keep my mother.
329
00:18:34,655 --> 00:18:37,158
Ma, don't make me make a choice.
330
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,411
Come on, Anthony,
you don't mean that.
331
00:18:40,786 --> 00:18:43,873
He's a proud man, Mrs Tortelli.
332
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:47,918
I guess that's why I love him
more than any man I've ever known.
333
00:18:48,210 --> 00:18:49,879
Isn't she great, Ma?
334
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,339
Yeah.
335
00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:53,174
I'm not losing a son,
336
00:18:53,341 --> 00:18:54,800
I'm gaining your face.
337
00:18:56,260 --> 00:18:57,887
You're not making
any points here, Ma.
338
00:18:58,095 --> 00:18:59,889
- What am I supposed to do, Sam?
- Just calm down.
339
00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:01,766
I gotta stop this.
340
00:19:01,932 --> 00:19:03,851
I can't believe they're serious.
341
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:06,020
I can't believe that
any son of Nick Tortelli
342
00:19:06,187 --> 00:19:09,482
would even think about getting married
without a bun in some oven.
343
00:19:11,275 --> 00:19:14,528
Sam, Sammy!
That is the answer!
344
00:19:14,695 --> 00:19:16,197
Listen, listen.
345
00:19:16,364 --> 00:19:18,407
Anthony is a Tortelli man, right?
346
00:19:18,574 --> 00:19:20,493
Now, all Tortelli men are scum.
347
00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:24,163
Ergo, given time,
his eye will wander,
348
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:27,458
and the rest of his slimy body
will follow.
349
00:19:27,750 --> 00:19:30,002
Come on, Mrs Tortelli,
we haven't got all day.
350
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:33,047
I have to clean my room
before dinner.
351
00:19:35,591 --> 00:19:38,010
I just don't see what your hurry is.
352
00:19:38,177 --> 00:19:41,222
I mean, why don't you two have
a little engagement period, huh?
353
00:19:41,389 --> 00:19:43,307
I'll tell you what,
I'll make a deal with you.
354
00:19:43,474 --> 00:19:45,309
Give me two weeks.
355
00:19:46,268 --> 00:19:47,436
What do you mean?
356
00:19:47,645 --> 00:19:49,063
You two stay totally apart.
357
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:51,232
Don't see each other,
don't talk to each other,
358
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:53,401
don't send messages
for two weeks.
359
00:19:53,567 --> 00:19:56,696
Then, at that time,
if you still want to get married,
360
00:19:56,862 --> 00:19:58,072
I'll give you my blessing.
361
00:19:58,447 --> 00:20:01,325
- That's all we have to do?
- That's all?
362
00:20:01,659 --> 00:20:02,743
I'll die.
363
00:20:02,910 --> 00:20:06,497
Our burning love
will keep you alive, Anthony.
364
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,332
I don't know.
365
00:20:08,833 --> 00:20:10,418
What's the matter, Anthony?
You afraid?
366
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:12,795
Listen, if you don't think
your love is strong enough--
367
00:20:13,045 --> 00:20:15,756
Oh, no, no. We ain't afraid of nothing.
Okay, you got it.
368
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:18,759
But we come back here
in two weeks
369
00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:20,511
and we're even more sure.
370
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:23,139
And after that we'll be together,
forever and ever.
371
00:20:23,305 --> 00:20:25,683
You mean like through eternity?
372
00:20:25,850 --> 00:20:28,477
No, like through the weekend, momar.
373
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:31,939
I'm gonna be heartsick missing you.
374
00:20:39,989 --> 00:20:43,451
That is the most childish, unsanitary
thing I've ever seen in my life.
375
00:20:43,659 --> 00:20:48,831
Boy, I'll say. Don't they realize that
gum is a breeding ground for cooties?
376
00:20:59,175 --> 00:21:01,594
Anthony, would you get away
from the window?
377
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:04,805
You're fogging up the glass
with your lovesick breath.
378
00:21:05,181 --> 00:21:06,932
Don't be such a grump, Ma.
379
00:21:07,099 --> 00:21:09,268
I warned you my feelings
wouldn't change.
380
00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:12,062
Not in two weeks, not in two years.
381
00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:13,147
You blew it.
382
00:21:15,274 --> 00:21:16,692
I'm dead meat, Sam.
383
00:21:16,859 --> 00:21:18,861
I thought you had this
figured out, logically.
384
00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:21,197
Yeah, well, he never went out
of the damn house.
385
00:21:21,363 --> 00:21:23,657
How's he supposed to have his head
turned by another woman
386
00:21:23,824 --> 00:21:25,409
if he never saw one?
387
00:21:25,618 --> 00:21:27,995
He just locked himself in a room,
and he never came out
388
00:21:28,162 --> 00:21:30,873
except for hot meals
and cold showers.
389
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:33,209
So you gonna sign the consent?
390
00:21:33,584 --> 00:21:35,669
What else can I do?
391
00:21:35,878 --> 00:21:38,047
They kept their end of the bargain.
392
00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:41,884
- Anthony!
- Annie!
393
00:21:46,138 --> 00:21:47,389
Sinuses, Carla.
394
00:21:48,474 --> 00:21:52,353
Well, Mrs Tortelli,
it's been two weeks.
395
00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:55,439
I think it's still clear that Anthony and I
are very much in love
396
00:21:55,606 --> 00:21:57,191
and wanna get married.
Right, Anthony?
397
00:21:57,399 --> 00:22:00,194
That's right.
Here's the form, Ma.
398
00:22:00,361 --> 00:22:02,404
You said you would sign it.
399
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:10,663
You're too damn young, Anthony.
400
00:22:10,830 --> 00:22:13,499
Please, this is the worst mistake
anybody could make.
401
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:15,459
Believe me, I made it.
402
00:22:15,626 --> 00:22:17,211
You gave your word.
403
00:22:18,128 --> 00:22:20,339
Yeah, I did, didn't I?
404
00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:24,134
Hey, hurry it up, Annie.
I'm double-parked.
405
00:22:24,301 --> 00:22:26,762
We'll be right there.
Won't this be great, Anthony?
406
00:22:26,929 --> 00:22:29,473
You and me together for all time.
407
00:22:29,640 --> 00:22:31,559
Yeah, that's great. Who is that?
408
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:36,188
Oh, that's my cousin, Gabrielle.
Gabrielle, my fiancé.
409
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:39,024
Will you hurry it up and sign?
We haven't got all day.
410
00:22:39,275 --> 00:22:41,569
Hey, Gabrielle, it's nice to meet you.
411
00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:44,572
Nice to meet you.
You're even cuter than Annie said.
412
00:22:48,033 --> 00:22:49,451
How come I haven't
met you before?
413
00:22:49,910 --> 00:22:51,787
I've been at cheerleading school.
414
00:22:52,955 --> 00:22:55,624
Hey, when are we having
your cousin over for dinner?
415
00:22:55,791 --> 00:22:59,044
Let's say we get married first.
Then we'll discuss the dinner guests.
416
00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:00,462
Yeah, well, my word is my word.
417
00:23:00,629 --> 00:23:02,423
I guess I'd better be signing
this document
418
00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:04,550
so you two can be alone
together forever.
419
00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:06,093
What's your hurry, Ma?
420
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:08,512
Why don't you buds have a root beer?
421
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:10,890
I'm gonna help Gabrielle
find a parking space.
422
00:23:11,056 --> 00:23:12,975
- I'm worried about her.
- Anthony!
423
00:23:13,142 --> 00:23:15,436
Hey, just get off my back.
This will take two minutes.
424
00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:17,146
Nag, nag, nag.
425
00:23:18,981 --> 00:23:21,984
Gabrielle, you ever have
a hot fudge sundae for breakfast?
426
00:23:28,532 --> 00:23:31,660
- They're not coming back, are they?
- Nope.
427
00:23:31,952 --> 00:23:35,748
Gee, and I got 50 boy cousins
who can drive.
428
00:23:38,667 --> 00:23:40,252
It was bound to happen.
429
00:23:40,878 --> 00:23:42,630
Pretty smart, Mrs Tortelli.
430
00:23:43,505 --> 00:23:46,342
Let me fill you in on something, Annie.
431
00:23:47,509 --> 00:23:51,347
There are three things
that you can say about Tortelli men:
432
00:23:51,513 --> 00:23:55,100
One, they draw women like flies.
433
00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:58,312
Two, they treat women like flies.
434
00:23:59,313 --> 00:24:02,524
Three, their brains are in their flies.
435
00:24:07,154 --> 00:24:08,864
Yeah, one more thing:
436
00:24:09,031 --> 00:24:11,033
They throw away the best women.
437
00:24:12,076 --> 00:24:14,536
You know, for a loser,
you're not bad.
438
00:24:14,745 --> 00:24:16,622
Ditto, Mrs T.