1 00:00:01,251 --> 00:00:04,713 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:06,840 You sure you don't wanna have another round, Jack? 3 00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,468 Not me, pal. Let's get out of here. 4 00:00:09,676 --> 00:00:11,470 What's the damage, Mac? 5 00:00:11,637 --> 00:00:13,222 Oh, just let me figure it up here. 6 00:00:15,057 --> 00:00:17,267 That'll be 27.50. 7 00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:18,769 Ouch. You sure? 8 00:00:19,603 --> 00:00:21,813 Yep, you two gentlemen had four peach daiquiris 9 00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:24,191 and three crème de men the frappés. 10 00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:30,364 Something funny, dipstick? 11 00:00:35,911 --> 00:00:38,372 In the paper this morning, yeah, it seems that, oh, 12 00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:41,250 the Sarge got tricked by Beetle Bailey again. 13 00:00:41,416 --> 00:00:44,253 See, Beetle put some itching powder in his shorts. 14 00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:49,841 Oh, we thought that maybe you was laughing at our drink order. 15 00:00:50,008 --> 00:00:53,262 Oh, on the contrary. No, no, no-- 16 00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:56,765 Woody, let me have another mocha froth, will you? And keep them coming. 17 00:02:12,007 --> 00:02:14,885 Hey, guess who's gonna interview me on the radio tonight? 18 00:02:15,218 --> 00:02:17,179 Someone with a taste for adventure. 19 00:02:17,512 --> 00:02:18,930 - Dave Richards, my old buddy. - Hey. 20 00:02:19,097 --> 00:02:21,808 And a 2-by-4 for a brain. 21 00:02:21,975 --> 00:02:24,061 I need Dewar's rocks, please. 22 00:02:24,394 --> 00:02:25,812 What's your big problem with Dave? 23 00:02:25,979 --> 00:02:27,689 I mean, ever since he came in this place, 24 00:02:27,856 --> 00:02:29,149 you've been badmouthing the guy. 25 00:02:29,316 --> 00:02:32,527 For some strange reason, I find it hard to respect a man 26 00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:36,782 with the bumper sticker "Honk if you're horny." 27 00:02:37,491 --> 00:02:41,495 - That's pretty good. - Yeah. Honk, honk, honk! 28 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,955 Oh, there's news. 29 00:02:44,373 --> 00:02:46,833 Hey, Sam, what time do you have to be at the radio station? 30 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,836 No, it's a phone interview. You know, it's that sports talk show 31 00:02:50,003 --> 00:02:51,797 that Dave does after the Red Sox games. 32 00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,841 - Evening, everybody. - Norm! 33 00:02:55,008 --> 00:02:59,221 - What do you say, Norm? - Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. 34 00:03:00,347 --> 00:03:03,016 And down it goes, huh? 35 00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,811 - We missed you last night, buddy. - You did? 36 00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,938 - Yeah. - Well, Vera and I went out dancing 37 00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:10,065 with the Henshaws. The next-door neighbors. 38 00:03:10,232 --> 00:03:11,900 - Oh, what, again? - Normie, dancing? 39 00:03:12,109 --> 00:03:14,277 - Yeah. - I didn't think you liked walking. 40 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,614 You kidding? I love dancing. I could watch for hours. 41 00:03:17,781 --> 00:03:19,199 You don't dance yourself? 42 00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:24,996 Vera's the dancer in our family. She even has dancer's buns, Sammy. 43 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:28,709 Too bad they're on her calves, though. You know, it's kind of... 44 00:03:28,917 --> 00:03:32,462 So, Normie, who was the--? Who was Vera dancing with then? 45 00:03:33,296 --> 00:03:34,881 - The guy, Ron Henshaw. - Oh, yeah? 46 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,383 - Yeah. Good dancer. - Oh, is he? 47 00:03:36,758 --> 00:03:39,344 Well, they dance the slow dances, do they? 48 00:03:39,511 --> 00:03:42,139 Yeah, a few times. Why do you ask, Cliff? 49 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:45,350 Oh, no reason, no reason. But you know, during the slow dances, 50 00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:48,228 certain parts of the body rub up against one another. 51 00:03:49,479 --> 00:03:52,190 You know, thigh touches thigh, purely by accident. 52 00:03:52,399 --> 00:03:54,818 Before you know it, you're hosing them off like dogs. 53 00:03:55,986 --> 00:03:57,654 It's good clean fun, all right, Cliffy? 54 00:03:57,821 --> 00:03:59,906 Yeah, well, I know which way the wind blows. 55 00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,826 Yeah, usually out of your mouth. 56 00:04:05,662 --> 00:04:07,205 Cheers. 57 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,082 Oh, yeah, he's right here. 58 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,959 Sam, it's some guy from the radio station. 59 00:04:11,126 --> 00:04:12,502 Dave's ready to go on the air! 60 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,005 All right, all right, I'll be in my office. Pipe down. 61 00:04:15,297 --> 00:04:18,091 I can't believe I'm talking to a real radio station. 62 00:04:19,134 --> 00:04:21,970 Hey, hey, listen, while I've got you, could you please play Roxanne 63 00:04:22,179 --> 00:04:24,014 and dedicate it to my girl? 64 00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:26,266 No, no, her name's Beth. 65 00:04:26,641 --> 00:04:28,518 But I don't think there's a song called Beth. 66 00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:32,272 Oh, hi, Sam. Oh, right, I'll hang up. Goodbye. 67 00:04:32,439 --> 00:04:35,358 Well, it's not really goodbye because we're not actually-- 68 00:04:35,525 --> 00:04:38,570 Right now? Yes, okay. They're ready. 69 00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,531 - What's the score? - What's the line? 70 00:04:41,698 --> 00:04:43,158 - Who's ahead? - Who's behind? 71 00:04:43,325 --> 00:04:45,619 Hey, let's ask Dave! 72 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,873 Who's behind? Come on, can we say that on the air? 73 00:04:51,708 --> 00:04:54,544 Yes, it's me, Dave Richards, with Sports Shorts. 74 00:04:54,711 --> 00:04:56,755 Well, we don't have much time because the Red Sox 75 00:04:56,922 --> 00:04:59,925 were involved in another long, boring extra-inning game. 76 00:05:00,091 --> 00:05:02,093 So let's get right to tonight's guest. 77 00:05:02,344 --> 00:05:03,929 He's former Red Sox relief pitcher 78 00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:07,349 and one of my buds, Sam Malone. How you doing? 79 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:11,269 Sure am, Dave. How are you? 80 00:05:11,436 --> 00:05:14,022 - Just great. And you? - Couldn't be better. 81 00:05:14,189 --> 00:05:16,149 That's great to hear. Boy, we've had some fun... 82 00:05:16,316 --> 00:05:18,360 Where does one send for a transcript? 83 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,112 Well, I think we've hogged the airwaves long enough, Sam. 84 00:05:21,279 --> 00:05:24,282 So let's open up those phone lines for you listeners out there. 85 00:05:24,574 --> 00:05:27,410 Got a question you've been dying to ask Sam Malone? 86 00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,287 Well, here's your chance. 87 00:05:31,832 --> 00:05:34,668 Former major league great Mayday Malone. 88 00:05:37,337 --> 00:05:41,007 All the lines are clear, and it is a toll-free call. 89 00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:45,971 It doesn't have to be about baseball. Anything at all. Anything. 90 00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,889 Hey, we've got a call. You're on the Shorts. 91 00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:50,183 Hey, Sam, where'd you put the olives? 92 00:05:51,726 --> 00:05:53,311 Woody-- Woody, get off the-- 93 00:05:53,478 --> 00:05:54,771 Get off the phone! 94 00:05:55,897 --> 00:05:57,899 - He said, 'Anything at all." - Here's another one. 95 00:05:58,066 --> 00:05:59,734 - Go ahead. - Sam, you were known as 96 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:01,778 quite a ladies' man during your playing days. 97 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:04,406 Are women more impressed by a man in a baseball uniform? 98 00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,908 Well, actually I found women were a lot more impressed 99 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:09,327 when I was out of my uniform, if you get my drift. 100 00:06:10,120 --> 00:06:11,371 Hey. 101 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:15,125 No, seriously, you know, a lot of the chicks I dated 102 00:06:15,292 --> 00:06:17,168 know nothing about the game of baseball at all. 103 00:06:17,335 --> 00:06:20,797 You know, in fact, one former love bunny actually brought a book 104 00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,383 to a Red Sox game to pass time between pitches. 105 00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:27,137 - "Love bunny"? - A book? You mean, like, to read? 106 00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:29,264 I swear to God, Dave. 107 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:35,437 Gee, I wonder who that was, Diane. 108 00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:39,024 --His grandchildren about that. Anyway, this is Dave Richards 109 00:06:39,190 --> 00:06:41,401 saying, "Be a sport. Don't be a jerk." Goodbye. 110 00:06:41,735 --> 00:06:43,737 Great show. 111 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:46,740 Hey, do you love me, public? 112 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,538 Love bunny? 113 00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,417 What's wrong with that? 114 00:06:57,792 --> 00:07:00,921 How dare you callously and cruelly lump me in 115 00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:03,757 with the other conglomeration of Twinkies 116 00:07:03,965 --> 00:07:08,178 that constitutes your sexual past. 117 00:07:09,012 --> 00:07:11,222 There's just no pleasing that woman. 118 00:07:17,562 --> 00:07:20,148 - Hello, Norm. - Oh, Phyllis. 119 00:07:20,315 --> 00:07:22,734 - What are you doing here? - Well, I took the chance 120 00:07:22,943 --> 00:07:25,570 - I might find you here. - Whoa, what are the odds? 121 00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:29,449 You guys, this is Phyllis Henshaw. 122 00:07:29,616 --> 00:07:31,868 - Hi. - So where's Ron? 123 00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,578 I don't know. 124 00:07:36,706 --> 00:07:38,583 Could we talk privately? 125 00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:42,671 Sure, yeah. Just follow me here. 126 00:07:42,837 --> 00:07:45,131 - Can I get you anything? - No. No, thank you. 127 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:47,759 What's up? 128 00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:53,306 Norm, I've been trying to think of an easy way to say this, 129 00:07:53,473 --> 00:07:55,433 but I can't. 130 00:07:55,934 --> 00:07:58,269 I think Vera and Ron are having an affair. 131 00:08:00,313 --> 00:08:01,815 Vera and Ron? 132 00:08:04,776 --> 00:08:06,987 Did you guys all get that back there? 133 00:08:08,154 --> 00:08:10,907 That's just great. How about you guys? Did you get that, everyone? 134 00:08:11,116 --> 00:08:13,535 Come on, let's just get away from the peanut gallery here. 135 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,039 This is kind of hard to believe, Phyllis. 136 00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,541 I mean, what makes you think they are? 137 00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:22,752 - Oh, Norm, come on. You're not blind. - What? What? 138 00:08:22,919 --> 00:08:26,131 Haven't you seen the way they look at each other when they're dancing? 139 00:08:26,297 --> 00:08:28,550 And I don't have to tell you how attractive Vera is. 140 00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:30,760 No, you certainly don't. 141 00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:35,265 And Ron's always going over to "borrow" things from you. 142 00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:38,893 Yeah, but-- Well, all right, yeah. 143 00:08:39,102 --> 00:08:42,188 Now, Vera said that he came over yesterday to borrow a power drill, 144 00:08:42,355 --> 00:08:46,693 - but I really... - Norm, we have a power drill. 145 00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,613 Variable speed? 146 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,616 Yes. 147 00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,494 - Cordless? - Oh, my God! 148 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,705 Phyllis, this doesn't necessarily mean anything. 149 00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,583 Well, we have to find out. I think we ought to hire a private detective. 150 00:09:02,584 --> 00:09:04,461 No, I think you're jumping the gun a little bit. 151 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,004 - Oh, are we? - Yes. Yeah, I do. 152 00:09:06,212 --> 00:09:08,506 Well, Ron told me he'd be home all night. Let's just see if he is. 153 00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,801 Sure, I'm sure-- Look-- Get-- 154 00:09:12,135 --> 00:09:13,762 So, what's up, buddy? 155 00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:16,222 It's probably nothing, I hope. 156 00:09:16,681 --> 00:09:18,933 Oh, come on, Norm. Fill us in, will you? 157 00:09:19,100 --> 00:09:20,852 I mean, we're-- We're your friends here. 158 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:24,397 We're sensitive and caring, and our only concern is your support. 159 00:09:24,564 --> 00:09:25,940 You know that, Norman. 160 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:28,359 Well, all right, how much did you overhear so far? 161 00:09:28,526 --> 00:09:30,904 Well, everything but the location 162 00:09:31,071 --> 00:09:32,989 where they're satisfying their pagan lust. 163 00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:39,204 No, this just can't be true, Mr Peterson. They wouldn't do that. 164 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,581 I mean, they're both married, for Pete's sake. 165 00:09:42,165 --> 00:09:43,625 How old are you? 166 00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,838 Well, what--? What happened? 167 00:09:49,047 --> 00:09:50,423 Ron's not home. 168 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:54,052 - Hire a private dick, Norm. - Hey, my cousin Santo's a gumshoe, 169 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:55,637 - and a great one. - Great, great. 170 00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:58,139 He's professional, thorough and a master of disguise. 171 00:09:58,306 --> 00:10:00,183 - I'm sure he is. - Not just as people either, 172 00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:03,686 but things. Furniture. I mean, he could be here right now. 173 00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:08,358 Norman, I think it's a mistake. Don't give in to suspicion. 174 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:10,985 Baloney! Hire Santo. Better safe than sorry. 175 00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,030 - No, Norm... - Norman, trust-- Trust-- 176 00:10:14,906 --> 00:10:16,866 Who are these people? 177 00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:20,078 All right. Wait a minute. Just-- Would you wait a minute, now? 178 00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:25,583 Phyllis, you may not know about Ron, but Vera happens to love me, all right? 179 00:10:25,750 --> 00:10:28,711 And I certainly love her. I'm gonna call her right this minute. 180 00:10:28,878 --> 00:10:30,463 - Yeah. - I'm gonna tell her that. 181 00:10:30,630 --> 00:10:33,216 - Yeah. - She better be there to hear it. 182 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:34,843 She will. 183 00:10:41,015 --> 00:10:41,975 Oh, hi, honey. 184 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:48,690 No, nothing, nothing, I just, actually, called to tell you that I love you. 185 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:54,612 The usual time. All right, fine. Yeah, bye. Bye. 186 00:10:57,615 --> 00:11:00,827 She said she's just sitting home alone listening to records. 187 00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,246 Oh, I could hear Johnny Mathis singing in the background. 188 00:11:03,496 --> 00:11:05,290 There you go. I knew it. 189 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,667 Now, that's good news, isn't it, Mr Peterson? 190 00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:08,960 Yeah. 191 00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:13,006 It'd even be better if we had a Johnny Mathis album. 192 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,634 We have one. 193 00:11:20,054 --> 00:11:22,348 All right, Carla, call your cousin. 194 00:11:35,278 --> 00:11:36,946 Hey. Did you enjoy your dinner? 195 00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:44,078 Hey. Hey, listen. 196 00:11:45,288 --> 00:11:46,956 Excuse me, miss? 197 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:49,751 Are you or are you not speaking to me? 198 00:11:50,043 --> 00:11:51,878 Never ever again. 199 00:11:55,924 --> 00:11:57,008 How could you? 200 00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,261 After all we've been through. 201 00:12:01,387 --> 00:12:04,849 What we had together was real and special, 202 00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:08,061 and now you've cheapened it for all eternity 203 00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:11,648 by broadcasting to the entire Boston metropolitan area 204 00:12:11,814 --> 00:12:17,570 that I was nothing but an odalisque in your seraglio. 205 00:12:20,740 --> 00:12:23,910 If that's your idea of the silent treatment, it needs a little work. 206 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:28,206 Oh, come on... All right, all right, 207 00:12:28,414 --> 00:12:32,794 whatever it is I said, and whatever the hell it was that you just said, 208 00:12:33,127 --> 00:12:36,798 what if--? What if I go back on the air there and apologize? 209 00:12:37,006 --> 00:12:38,299 Will that fix things up? 210 00:12:40,718 --> 00:12:43,930 Do whatever you want. I couldn't care less. 211 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:46,474 Keep it short and simple. 212 00:12:48,851 --> 00:12:50,186 Something dignified. 213 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,105 No sweat. 214 00:12:53,606 --> 00:12:55,858 I'll write the script for you. 215 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,111 Well, is there anything else you can tell me? 216 00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:01,197 No. No, I think that's just about everything. 217 00:13:01,364 --> 00:13:02,657 When can you start? 218 00:13:02,824 --> 00:13:05,910 Look, you both seem like nice people, huh? Do yourselves a favor. 219 00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:07,370 Don't hire me. 220 00:13:08,871 --> 00:13:11,249 Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, 221 00:13:11,457 --> 00:13:13,918 - but we're quite serious about this. - And you don't know 222 00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:16,504 what you're letting yourselves in for here. A lot of pain, 223 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,381 a lot of heartache, a lot of misery. 224 00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:20,508 And that's just when you see the bill. 225 00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:23,553 My cousin, she's a pistol. 226 00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:27,682 Mr Carbone, by hiring you, we hope to prove our spouses innocent. 227 00:13:27,849 --> 00:13:30,018 - Yeah, there you go. - Well, in most of these cases 228 00:13:30,184 --> 00:13:33,396 the news is otherwise. Believe me, I've seen it a million times. 229 00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:37,442 A bored husband, fed up with leftovers in the bedroom as well as the kitchen, 230 00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:40,862 starts eyeing the cute little pastry tart next door who's only too happy 231 00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,156 to serve up a little dessert. 232 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:46,451 That's not true in our case, is it, Norm? 233 00:13:47,285 --> 00:13:50,621 No. No way. Anyone else hungry? 234 00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:55,960 Look, nothing like this has ever happened before. 235 00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,671 Up until now, we've both had happy marriages. 236 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,467 Please, believe me, people who don't know are better off. 237 00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:08,097 - Could you excuse us for a minute? - Yeah, sure. 238 00:14:10,016 --> 00:14:11,851 Well, Norm, what do you think? 239 00:14:12,018 --> 00:14:14,354 I'm not so sure we should hire this guy. 240 00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:17,231 Well, if we're being made fools of, I'd prefer to know it. 241 00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:20,360 Can't we just assume it and save a little money here? 242 00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:27,075 All right, look, Mr Carbone, 243 00:14:27,241 --> 00:14:29,077 we're gonna hire your services, all right? 244 00:14:29,243 --> 00:14:30,536 Your funeral. 245 00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:34,290 - Thanks for the referral, Carla. - Yeah, see you, Santo. 246 00:14:34,457 --> 00:14:35,458 Yeah. 247 00:14:41,506 --> 00:14:46,594 - You're Diane Chambers, aren't you? - Yes, I am. You look familiar. 248 00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:50,056 Weren't you an attendant at Goldenbrook? 249 00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:51,557 That was just my cover. 250 00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:56,938 Santo was the one who I hired to track you down at the insane asylum. 251 00:14:57,939 --> 00:15:00,775 It wasn't an insane asylum, damn it! 252 00:15:00,942 --> 00:15:04,487 It was more like a spa. 253 00:15:06,197 --> 00:15:07,615 You're out already, huh? 254 00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:12,870 Of course I'm out. 255 00:15:13,037 --> 00:15:15,873 - Why wouldn't I be out? - No reason. 256 00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,584 Look, you take it easy. 257 00:15:26,551 --> 00:15:29,679 Okay, Sam Malone is back on the show with a prepared statement 258 00:15:29,846 --> 00:15:31,973 that he's gonna read. Go ahead, Sammy. 259 00:15:32,390 --> 00:15:37,979 Ladies and gentlemen, a week ago on this program, I, Sam Malone, 260 00:15:38,187 --> 00:15:43,192 committed a faux pas of the highest magnitude. 261 00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:47,905 I insensitively included a wonderful woman in a category 262 00:15:48,072 --> 00:15:52,368 in which she certainly did not merit inclusion. 263 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:56,747 I apologize to her and indeed to women everywhere, 264 00:15:56,998 --> 00:15:58,332 both living and dead, 265 00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:02,837 whose sensibilities may have been offended. 266 00:16:03,004 --> 00:16:05,089 Yeah, yeah, well, whatever peels your potatoes, Sam. 267 00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:07,133 Our next guest is a guy that played-- 268 00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:10,344 - Very well done. Thank you, Sam. - Yeah? 269 00:16:10,511 --> 00:16:12,680 You're welcome, little love bunny. 270 00:16:16,767 --> 00:16:17,810 Oy vey. 271 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:20,396 You all right, Mr Peterson? You've been awful quiet tonight. 272 00:16:21,189 --> 00:16:24,484 I was thinking about a high school football game, actually. 273 00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:29,322 That was a long time ago, Woody. And far away from here. 274 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,116 We were playing our archrivals for the state championship, you know? 275 00:16:33,242 --> 00:16:37,872 And I saw the cutest little cheerleader that I've ever seen in my life 276 00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:39,665 just cheering her heart out. 277 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:42,585 Yeah. I looked at her, 278 00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:46,297 and the sun seemed to be shining only where she stood. You know what I mean? 279 00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:53,387 And she seemed to be everything that was bright and pure and good. 280 00:16:54,222 --> 00:16:58,184 I knew right then and there that I wanted to make that little gal my wife. 281 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,062 So I turned to Vera, and I said, 282 00:17:01,270 --> 00:17:03,481 "Honey, would you mind introducing me to that cheerleader?" 283 00:17:06,192 --> 00:17:07,902 I'm joking, Woody. 284 00:17:08,277 --> 00:17:10,780 Of course that little cheerleader was Vera. 285 00:17:11,739 --> 00:17:14,200 Hey, can I ask you a question, Mr Peterson? 286 00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:16,536 - Sure, Woody. - Who won the game? 287 00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:22,875 You know, I really couldn't tell you who won, Woody, but... 288 00:17:23,543 --> 00:17:26,462 tonight I sure know who lost. 289 00:17:28,130 --> 00:17:30,424 Well, can't you figure it out from that? 290 00:17:36,347 --> 00:17:39,100 - Could I have another beer, please? - Yeah. Coming up. 291 00:17:45,273 --> 00:17:49,193 Norm. Hi, I just got a call from Mr Carbone. 292 00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,737 He's gonna drop by with his report in a few minutes. 293 00:17:51,904 --> 00:17:54,073 - Did he say anything? - No, he said he wanted to wait 294 00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:55,283 and talk to us in person. 295 00:17:55,616 --> 00:17:56,659 Oh, man. 296 00:17:58,661 --> 00:18:00,538 Could we wait in the backroom, where it's private? 297 00:18:00,746 --> 00:18:02,373 All right. Sure. 298 00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:17,763 - Oh, Norm, where did we go wrong? - I don't know. 299 00:18:18,472 --> 00:18:20,725 I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out. 300 00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:24,270 I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there 301 00:18:24,437 --> 00:18:27,106 wondering, "Why did she lose interest in me?" 302 00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:32,111 Norm, listen. 303 00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:35,364 Whatever the outcome, I want you to know 304 00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:39,243 I couldn't have gotten through this without you. You've been a tower of strength. 305 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:43,414 You've been great too, Phyllis. Thank you. 306 00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:48,377 What if the news is bad? I mean, what then? 307 00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:51,839 - Well, I know what I'm gonna do. - Oh, yeah? 308 00:18:52,006 --> 00:18:55,092 I'm gonna go right out and have an affair myself. Maybe lots of them. 309 00:18:55,926 --> 00:18:59,889 You are darn right. That's exactly what I'm gonna do. 310 00:19:01,182 --> 00:19:03,059 Just watch my dust. 311 00:19:06,937 --> 00:19:10,691 Of course, the difficult part is... 312 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:13,653 finding the right person. 313 00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:15,905 It's hard, all right. 314 00:19:17,406 --> 00:19:21,035 Now, that's always the hard part. 315 00:19:21,911 --> 00:19:24,497 You know, it would have to be someone who really understands me. 316 00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:25,873 You know what I mean? 317 00:19:26,832 --> 00:19:29,126 Someone you could depend on? 318 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,962 But who? I wouldn't know where to begin. 319 00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:35,007 I'd be completely lost. 320 00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:55,778 Of course, I wouldn't wanna break up a marriage 321 00:19:55,945 --> 00:19:59,365 like those two home wreckers. 322 00:20:00,282 --> 00:20:01,951 Those jackals. 323 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,622 Adulterers. 324 00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:09,041 Fornicators. 325 00:20:15,464 --> 00:20:18,592 All right-- Oh, for God's sakes! 326 00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:24,056 Boy, this is one for the books. God help us all. 327 00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,809 All right. Just-- No commentary, please. 328 00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:28,686 Skip it and just give us the report here. 329 00:20:28,853 --> 00:20:31,772 All right, all right. I followed them everywhere. From the supermarket 330 00:20:31,939 --> 00:20:33,941 to the movie theater to the golf course. 331 00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:38,112 Last night I got what I wanted at the Sea Shanty restaurant. 332 00:20:38,696 --> 00:20:40,823 - Well, let's hear the tape. - Yeah, let's. 333 00:20:40,990 --> 00:20:42,533 I don't wanna hang around here any longer than I gotta. 334 00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:47,246 - We've put this off too long. - Well, we wanted to be sure 335 00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:49,540 - about some things. - Right, I-- 336 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,501 - Busboy dropped a tray. - What did she say? 337 00:20:52,668 --> 00:20:54,587 - I couldn't hear a thing. - What did you say? 338 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:58,257 I said I can't go through with it. I just can't hurt Norm. 339 00:20:59,216 --> 00:21:03,220 I feel exactly the same way. I can't hurt Norm either. 340 00:21:05,848 --> 00:21:08,058 - Well, I guess that's that. - Yeah, I just realized 341 00:21:08,225 --> 00:21:10,227 in a strange kind of way that I still love him. 342 00:21:10,811 --> 00:21:12,855 With all his faults. He's never home. 343 00:21:13,022 --> 00:21:15,691 And so he hangs out in some bar downtown. 344 00:21:15,858 --> 00:21:20,237 And, as far as our sex life goes, he's not exactly Don Juan. 345 00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,490 It's more like Don of the Dead. 346 00:21:23,115 --> 00:21:25,367 I think we get the gist here. 347 00:21:27,870 --> 00:21:30,331 So nothing went on. 348 00:21:30,915 --> 00:21:33,959 Nothing. Vera and Ron happen to be two of the sweetest people 349 00:21:34,126 --> 00:21:38,047 I ever ran across. They actually changed my mind about this filthy business. 350 00:21:38,214 --> 00:21:40,841 Then I walk in here, and I'm right back in the sewer. 351 00:21:42,760 --> 00:21:45,387 Well, you'll pardon me if I go home now, won't you? 352 00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,224 I mean, suddenly I feel like a shower. 353 00:21:50,351 --> 00:21:52,353 Hey-- You know-- 354 00:21:53,103 --> 00:21:54,605 I'm gonna miss him. 355 00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:58,818 I... 356 00:21:59,527 --> 00:22:01,153 Well... 357 00:22:02,404 --> 00:22:05,699 ...that's good news then, right, Norm? 358 00:22:06,116 --> 00:22:07,493 Yeah, I guess so. 359 00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:12,248 So I guess we don't have to go out and find somebody to have an affair with. 360 00:22:12,623 --> 00:22:14,041 Guess not. 361 00:22:16,293 --> 00:22:18,003 Norm, can I ask you something? 362 00:22:18,462 --> 00:22:19,547 Yeah. 363 00:22:20,881 --> 00:22:24,301 When we kissed before, did anything happen? 364 00:22:25,177 --> 00:22:27,596 Of course something happened. Why would you ask that? 365 00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:29,557 You don't believe what Vera said about our sex life? 366 00:22:29,723 --> 00:22:31,308 - No, no, not at all. - Okay. Fine. 367 00:22:35,187 --> 00:22:37,982 It's just that, well, you know, 368 00:22:38,315 --> 00:22:41,277 just because Ron and Vera didn't do anything 369 00:22:41,443 --> 00:22:43,612 doesn't mean that we have to... 370 00:22:45,865 --> 00:22:47,533 Well, what I'm trying to say is, 371 00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:50,119 is that when we kissed something happened to me. 372 00:22:50,828 --> 00:22:53,497 When I heard that tape, Phyllis, something happened to me. 373 00:22:54,790 --> 00:22:56,750 I realized how much Vera means to me. 374 00:22:58,711 --> 00:23:01,630 Well, then, why don't you just run on home to your precious little wife? 375 00:23:02,631 --> 00:23:05,217 All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna do just that. 376 00:23:06,677 --> 00:23:08,762 Right after a couple more beers. 377 00:23:14,977 --> 00:23:17,980 - I'm sorry, Norm. - No, no, no. 378 00:23:18,522 --> 00:23:21,817 You know, in a strange kind of way, I like Vera. 379 00:23:22,693 --> 00:23:24,528 Yeah, well, that's the only kind of way you can. 380 00:23:25,571 --> 00:23:27,281 Oh, stop it. 381 00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:31,660 Yeah. I kind of like her too. 382 00:23:37,041 --> 00:23:40,085 - You know, she's a lucky woman. - Come on. 383 00:23:41,545 --> 00:23:44,840 You are a definite hunk. 384 00:23:48,344 --> 00:23:49,637 Bye-bye. 385 00:23:56,936 --> 00:23:58,687 Norm Peterson... 386 00:23:59,229 --> 00:24:00,522 ...hunk. 387 00:24:03,943 --> 00:24:04,860 Hi there. 388 00:24:05,027 --> 00:24:06,528 - Get lost. - Right.