1
00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:04,671
Cheers <i>is filmed before
a live studio audience.</i>

2
00:00:05,088 --> 00:00:06,840
Okay, Mr Peterson, it's your turn

3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:09,885
to send a tape-recorded hello
to my folks back home.

4
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,930
I don't know what
to say here, Woody.

5
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:15,224
Just hurry it up, will you.
I've got some audio gems

6
00:00:15,390 --> 00:00:18,268
that'll have them howling
in the old Hoosier state.

7
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:21,772
Okay, just let me find the end
of Miss Chambers' message here.

8
00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:23,232
Alrighty.

9
00:00:23,398 --> 00:00:25,859
<i>Your son is
a hardworking young man.</i>

10
00:00:26,068 --> 00:00:28,612
<i>You should be proud.
We at Cheers certainly are.</i>

11
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,531
<i>And what's more--</i>

12
00:00:31,073 --> 00:00:33,116
I think it's a little further along here.

13
00:00:33,825 --> 00:00:37,371
<i>I believe it was Elizabeth
Barrett Browning who said--</i>

14
00:00:40,499 --> 00:00:43,168
<i>Now let me tell you
a little bit about myself.</i>

15
00:00:44,378 --> 00:00:47,673
All right, fill me up, Woody.
I think we're in here for a while.

16
00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:04,625
Okeydokey, Mr Peterson, found
the end of Miss Chambers' message.

17
00:02:04,833 --> 00:02:06,585
It's ready to go.

18
00:02:07,252 --> 00:02:10,505
Hi, folks. This is Norm.

19
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:18,013
Oh, no, that's the end of the tape.

20
00:02:18,221 --> 00:02:20,390
Sorry you didn't get
to leave your whole message.

21
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,684
That was the whole message.

22
00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:24,936
Oh, thanks.

23
00:02:25,103 --> 00:02:28,148
Sam, two Beefeater martinis, please.

24
00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:34,071
Well, you're just bubbling with energy.

25
00:02:34,237 --> 00:02:39,368
You must've mastered the childproof cap
on your Flintstones vitamins.

26
00:02:40,327 --> 00:02:42,162
That's pretty cute, Diane.

27
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:46,708
Scored again.

28
00:02:47,668 --> 00:02:50,087
Yeah, I guess
I'll be saying that a lot tonight.

29
00:02:51,880 --> 00:02:53,924
You got an evening
of romance planned, Sam?

30
00:02:54,091 --> 00:02:55,884
Yeah, I sure do.

31
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,512
Who's the bimbo <i>du jour?</i>

32
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,686
That's the girl, all right.

33
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,397
Claudia's been a tough nut to crack.

34
00:03:08,605 --> 00:03:11,441
But tonight's the night
she's gonna be enjoying

35
00:03:11,608 --> 00:03:15,404
all the rides in
Sammy's magic kingdom.

36
00:03:16,071 --> 00:03:19,533
She's in for a Mickey Mouse
evening with Goofy as her guide.

37
00:03:22,077 --> 00:03:24,454
Boy, Sam, I wish I could
read women like you.

38
00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:27,457
I mean, I can never really tell
when a woman likes me.

39
00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:31,962
Well, Woody, women give off
different subtle signs of interest.

40
00:03:32,129 --> 00:03:36,591
Me, I stand there naked
with a rose in my teeth.

41
00:03:36,967 --> 00:03:39,428
I'll watch for that one.

42
00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:42,180
So, Sam, what signal
is your date giving you?

43
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,183
Not only is Claudia
mentally undressing me,

44
00:03:45,517 --> 00:03:48,145
she's mentally fixing me
breakfast the next morning.

45
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:56,111
I'm sorry this is taking so long here.
I hope you're not getting bored.

46
00:03:56,278 --> 00:03:58,071
Oh, no. I enjoy watching you work.

47
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:02,492
I'm glad to hear that. I've got some
mirrors at home. We can both watch.

48
00:04:06,538 --> 00:04:09,708
One second. Yeah.
Yeah, as a matter of fact he is.

49
00:04:09,916 --> 00:04:13,128
Hold on one second, will you.
Cliff ie, telephone.

50
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:16,423
Somebody wants to talk to Cliff?

51
00:04:16,631 --> 00:04:20,177
Cliff ie. This is a first, bud. I don't think
anyone's ever called you here before.

52
00:04:20,343 --> 00:04:23,096
Yeah, I know who this is.
It's a tootsie on my route

53
00:04:23,263 --> 00:04:26,892
who's been eyeing the cut of my jib
through her Levolors.

54
00:04:29,186 --> 00:04:33,273
Her old man's probably out of town,
she's looking for a little COD:

55
00:04:33,815 --> 00:04:35,901
Cliff ie on demand.

56
00:04:37,527 --> 00:04:39,613
I know how to handle this babe.

57
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:41,156
Hello.

58
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:46,828
Listen, I never wanna speak to you
again as long as I live. Goodbye.

59
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,123
- Who was that?
- That was a man

60
00:04:50,332 --> 00:04:52,876
who has the nerve
to call himself my father.

61
00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:56,171
He'd have to have nerve
to admit that.

62
00:04:56,630 --> 00:04:58,673
Are you still carrying a grudge?

63
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:00,842
Damn straight.

64
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:04,554
How would you feel if your father
deserted you at the formative age of nine?

65
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:07,265
Cliff, don't you at least wanna
hear what he has to say?

66
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:10,602
- Perhaps he's trying to make amends.
- No way.

67
00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:13,480
I don't wanna have anything
to do with that bum.

68
00:05:13,647 --> 00:05:16,441
Well, I know how these
father/son relationships can be.

69
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,236
I remember my dad didn't want me
to get serious with Vera.

70
00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,863
- He heard she had loose morals.
- You're kidding me.

71
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:25,534
Actually, he got the story wrong.
Turns out she had loose molars.

72
00:05:28,703 --> 00:05:31,581
At least you had
a father figure, Norm.

73
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,584
- Yeah.
- Yeah, well.

74
00:05:36,503 --> 00:05:40,382
- Sam.
- Five minutes, we'll be out of here.

75
00:05:41,091 --> 00:05:46,513
What's this? A date of yours
reading <i>Artforum</i> magazine.

76
00:05:48,306 --> 00:05:50,684
And it's right side up too.

77
00:05:52,102 --> 00:05:56,022
Hope this doesn't mean
that we're gonna have to talk afterwards.

78
00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:59,401
Why do I keep trying
to communicate with you?

79
00:05:59,734 --> 00:06:02,529
It must be
the Margaret Mead in me.

80
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,950
That's a wonderful issue.

81
00:06:07,117 --> 00:06:08,660
Yes, it is.

82
00:06:09,995 --> 00:06:13,999
Did you happen to read their article
on Chinese tapestries?

83
00:06:14,165 --> 00:06:16,877
- Yes, it was fascinating.
- Wasn't it?

84
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:21,756
Yeah, the only problem was that 20
minutes later, I wanted to read it again.

85
00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:26,177
Reads and has a sense of humor.

86
00:06:27,554 --> 00:06:29,014
Did you lose a bet?

87
00:06:29,347 --> 00:06:30,765
Excuse me?

88
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:35,020
- I'm Diane Chambers.
- Claudia Mitchell.

89
00:06:35,729 --> 00:06:38,940
So you and Sam are going out?

90
00:06:38,940 --> 00:06:42,652
Yes, we're gonna try that
new Indian restaurant, Rajah's.

91
00:06:42,819 --> 00:06:46,656
Oh, I understand their chef
is a master of tandoori cooking.

92
00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,951
Well, I don't really know
that much about Indian food.

93
00:06:50,118 --> 00:06:52,621
It's the one area where I'm not
really able to be pretentious.

94
00:06:52,787 --> 00:06:54,581
Well, I am, so we have
the bases covered.

95
00:06:56,124 --> 00:06:58,668
- Mind if I sit down?
- Please.

96
00:06:59,085 --> 00:07:01,212
Oh, yeah, and after all,
the game of billiards

97
00:07:01,379 --> 00:07:04,466
was invented
by the ancient Phoenicians, Norm.

98
00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:07,218
Well, however, it did gain
newfound popularity

99
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:11,473
after a group of Benedictine monks
invented felt.

100
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:14,726
Thank you, Sam.

101
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:18,521
Good Lord.

102
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,899
I think that's my father.

103
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:24,277
There's still time to slip out
through the window in the bathroom, Cliff ie

104
00:07:24,444 --> 00:07:27,864
No, no, no. I wanna hear what the rat
has to say. Don't let out who I am.

105
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:33,912
- Can I help you?
- Do you happen to know Cliff Clavin?

106
00:07:34,621 --> 00:07:36,122
I...

107
00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:38,333
I...

108
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:41,920
Sam, I'm no good under pressure.

109
00:07:43,296 --> 00:07:47,384
- Hi, I'm Sam Malone. I'm the owner.
- Oh, hi. I'm Cliff Sr, his father.

110
00:07:47,550 --> 00:07:50,261
I called his ma, she said he hangs out
here sometimes. Is he around?

111
00:07:50,261 --> 00:07:54,307
Well, no. Actually he's not.
I think he's away on business.

112
00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:56,685
- Yeah.
- Too bad. I wanted to talk to him.

113
00:07:57,435 --> 00:08:00,188
It's funny. My own son. I don't even
know what he does for a living.

114
00:08:00,355 --> 00:08:01,690
I don't even know what he looks like.

115
00:08:02,983 --> 00:08:04,818
Cliff might be away for a while here.

116
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,821
Is there any message
you'd like me to give to him?

117
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:12,158
I'll hang around a while. It's kind of personal.
I'd like to deliver it myself.

118
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,411
- Oh, yeah, here you go.
- Oh, thanks.

119
00:08:19,374 --> 00:08:20,250
Excuse me.

120
00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,087
I got something to say.

121
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:28,049
Could I have the sports page?

122
00:08:28,299 --> 00:08:31,094
Oh, yeah, sure. Here you are.

123
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:50,363
Boy, you two seem to be
getting along.

124
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:55,326
- Are you ready?
- Oh, not to mention willing and able.

125
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:56,327
I'll be at the...

126
00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:01,166
Hey, I have this great idea.

127
00:09:01,332 --> 00:09:03,501
Why don't we invite Diane
to come with us for dinner.

128
00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:07,756
- What?
- No, I don't think that'd be a good idea.

129
00:09:08,173 --> 00:09:10,508
No, don't be silly. It would be perfect.

130
00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,510
Diane knows all about Indian food.

131
00:09:12,510 --> 00:09:17,057
Oh, hey, so do I. I'll order buffalo,
you can have the Geronimo burger.

132
00:09:18,767 --> 00:09:22,604
Claudia, I really don't want
to be a third wheel.

133
00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:26,107
- Yeah, but I want you to come.
- Yeah, but I want us to be alone.

134
00:09:26,316 --> 00:09:28,485
Well, there's plenty of time for that later.

135
00:09:28,651 --> 00:09:31,237
Besides, what could you do
in a restaurant full of people?

136
00:09:31,654 --> 00:09:33,406
You'd be surprised.

137
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:37,827
- Yes, you would.
- Why don't you just butt out of this--

138
00:09:37,994 --> 00:09:41,956
Look, Sam, I think you're being
kind of a drip about this.

139
00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:44,793
Quite frankly, I am surprised at you.

140
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:48,129
Oh. Well, all right.

141
00:09:48,296 --> 00:09:51,925
Diane, if you have nothing better to do
than tag along, why don't you join us.

142
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:56,429
- I really don't think--
- No, please, Diane. I insist.

143
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,264
- It'll be fun.
- Yeah, loads.

144
00:09:59,474 --> 00:10:01,684
- Great, then we're set.
- Okay.

145
00:10:01,851 --> 00:10:05,647
- I'm gonna go freshen up.
- Okeydoke.

146
00:10:05,814 --> 00:10:07,774
- Please get me out of this.
- No, no.

147
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:10,568
If you don't go, she'll think
that I told you not to go.

148
00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:13,738
And then she's gonna think
I'm even a bigger heel. You're going.

149
00:10:15,115 --> 00:10:17,242
Okay. Fine. Fine.

150
00:10:17,742 --> 00:10:21,454
You bet, "Fine. Fine."
Give me the phone, will you.

151
00:10:21,746 --> 00:10:24,541
- Sam, you're out of your mind.
- Hey, please.

152
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:27,710
I may look stupid,
but I'm way ahead of her.

153
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:30,213
Give me some credit
for having brains. Hello.

154
00:10:32,006 --> 00:10:33,675
Hello.

155
00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:35,718
Yeah, this is Sam Malone.

156
00:10:35,885 --> 00:10:39,055
I made a reservation
for two at 7:00.

157
00:10:39,222 --> 00:10:41,182
I wanna make sure
it's an intimate table

158
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,017
that seats only two.

159
00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:45,854
Yeah, and there'll be
a third person coming along,

160
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:50,692
but I wanna make sure
that she's seated far away.

161
00:10:51,359 --> 00:10:53,444
Yeah, no, no.
The farther the better.

162
00:10:53,611 --> 00:10:55,321
In fact, do you have
something in Bombay?

163
00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:59,033
- Goodbye.
- You're a genius.

164
00:10:59,450 --> 00:11:01,494
I kind of think
I'm wasting my time here.

165
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,621
If Cliff ie comes in,
tell him I was here.

166
00:11:03,830 --> 00:11:05,790
Thanks for the beer.

167
00:11:05,957 --> 00:11:08,126
- Aren't you gonna say something to him?
- I've got nothing to say.

168
00:11:08,334 --> 00:11:11,254
Mr Clavin, maybe Cliff
will call you later.

169
00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:16,134
Well, he'd better make it fast.
I'm leaving tomorrow.

170
00:11:16,634 --> 00:11:18,094
Gee, it's too bad.

171
00:11:18,303 --> 00:11:21,055
I'd really like to make my peace
with the kid. Well, thanks anyway.

172
00:11:23,308 --> 00:11:24,684
Hold it right there, Clavin.

173
00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:34,986
I'm Cliff Clavin Jr.

174
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:38,364
You're Cliff.

175
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:42,285
You wasted your time coming here.

176
00:11:42,493 --> 00:11:45,830
After what you've done, there can be
no peace between us. Hit the bricks.

177
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,498
Cliff ie.

178
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:51,794
- What?
- What's that?

179
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:54,589
- Where?
- Gotcha!

180
00:11:56,674 --> 00:11:59,302
Oh, Dad, you always knew
how to push the right buttons.

181
00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:01,387
Hey.

182
00:12:11,189 --> 00:12:13,524
I just can't stop
talking about that meal.

183
00:12:13,775 --> 00:12:16,319
It was simple and delicate,
yet provocative.

184
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:19,447
Well, I never had anything
quite like that lamb vindaloo.

185
00:12:19,614 --> 00:12:22,075
Great recommendation, Diane.

186
00:12:22,325 --> 00:12:23,785
How was your meal, Sam?

187
00:12:23,952 --> 00:12:27,914
The only thing that tasted good at the
table turned out later to be a candle.

188
00:12:28,790 --> 00:12:32,710
You're not still angry
about sitting alone?

189
00:12:35,797 --> 00:12:38,925
I wasn't alone. You're forgetting
about that 300-pound Hindu

190
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,052
with the goitre that kept fanning me.

191
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:45,682
Look, Sam, I know this date hasn't
turned out the way you planned it.

192
00:12:45,848 --> 00:12:49,352
Well, maybe we could still salvage
something of the evening.

193
00:12:49,519 --> 00:12:52,146
Maybe we could go someplace for dessert.

194
00:12:53,356 --> 00:12:57,652
If I might make a suggestion,
why don't you two go upstairs to Melville's.

195
00:12:57,819 --> 00:12:59,654
They have great cheesecake.

196
00:12:59,821 --> 00:13:01,447
I have a better idea.

197
00:13:01,614 --> 00:13:04,993
Why don't we go over to my place
for a little Sammy's jubilee.

198
00:13:05,827 --> 00:13:07,704
Sammy. The beer distributor,

199
00:13:07,870 --> 00:13:09,956
he says there's some problem
with next month's order.

200
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:13,543
Well, let him talk to Woody.
Woody handled it last month.

201
00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,461
I think that's the problem.

202
00:13:16,587 --> 00:13:19,215
Damn. All right, listen.

203
00:13:19,424 --> 00:13:21,301
We'll go up to Melville's
for your cheesecake,

204
00:13:21,467 --> 00:13:23,594
but then we're going to my place
for your beefcake.

205
00:13:24,345 --> 00:13:26,806
You've got some work to do,
don't you?

206
00:13:28,933 --> 00:13:31,227
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm!

207
00:13:31,394 --> 00:13:33,855
- Norman.
- What's your pleasure, Mr Peterson?

208
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:37,734
Boxer shorts and loose shoes,
but I'll settle for a beer.

209
00:13:39,193 --> 00:13:41,446
So how was the Hungry Heifer?

210
00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:44,449
- It wasn't too good.
- No? Well, what'd you have?

211
00:13:45,074 --> 00:13:47,285
Well, I got the chef's special ribs.

212
00:13:47,994 --> 00:13:50,079
- That sounds pretty good.
- That's what I thought,

213
00:13:50,246 --> 00:13:53,833
but the chef just came out
and made fun of my tie.

214
00:13:56,210 --> 00:14:00,423
- So Cliff ie and his dad not back yet?
- Oh, no, they had very big plans.

215
00:14:00,590 --> 00:14:03,176
Mr Clavin wanted to spend
the evening getting to know his son.

216
00:14:03,176 --> 00:14:06,512
Yeah, and the rest of his life
trying to forget.

217
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:09,515
Woody, next time you order
beer from the distributor,

218
00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:12,810
try to be a little more
specific than "lots."

219
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:15,229
- Sorry, Sam.
- That's all right.

220
00:14:15,396 --> 00:14:18,733
I called Melville's. They have
just two pieces of cheesecake left.

221
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:21,778
No more. No less. No Diane.

222
00:14:22,779 --> 00:14:26,574
Boy, next to Sammy's life,
my life sure looks dull, doesn't it?

223
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:29,494
Next to a barnacle my life seems dull.

224
00:14:30,411 --> 00:14:33,664
Say, you know, that cheesecake
can be pretty fattening.

225
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,792
You got any ideas
how we could work it off?

226
00:14:37,293 --> 00:14:39,629
- May I say something to you, Sam?
- Please.

227
00:14:40,254 --> 00:14:42,673
You know, the first few times
that we went out,

228
00:14:42,840 --> 00:14:46,552
I thought you were
coming on a little strong.

229
00:14:46,761 --> 00:14:49,639
I now miss those gentler times.

230
00:14:50,431 --> 00:14:52,016
Claudia, trust me.

231
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:55,978
You're about to come upon the
gentlest time that you've ever known.

232
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,688
Good Lord, Sam.

233
00:14:58,481 --> 00:15:00,108
What? That was good.

234
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:04,570
I'm afraid we're just not
what each other's looking for.

235
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,531
All right, maybe you're right.

236
00:15:06,697 --> 00:15:10,118
Oh, wait, listen, here.
I wanna wish you a happy life.

237
00:15:11,285 --> 00:15:13,079
As happy as you can be without me.

238
00:15:15,081 --> 00:15:17,083
There are no hard feelings here,
are there?

239
00:15:17,333 --> 00:15:20,670
No, no, on the contrary.
I'm glad that this happened.

240
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:22,880
Because I feel that everything,

241
00:15:23,047 --> 00:15:26,676
no matter how degrading
and humiliating,

242
00:15:26,843 --> 00:15:29,637
should be experienced
at least once in life.

243
00:15:31,556 --> 00:15:34,892
Well, wait a second, here, Claudia.
Let's talk about this.

244
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:35,893
Claudia.

245
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:43,109
Claudia left rather abruptly.
She didn't even say goodbye.

246
00:15:43,317 --> 00:15:45,194
Was she upset about something?

247
00:15:45,361 --> 00:15:47,238
Yeah, she was upset
about something.

248
00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:49,699
Your little plan worked perfectly.

249
00:15:50,700 --> 00:15:52,827
What are you talking about?

250
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,163
I can't believe you're
actually making me say this.

251
00:15:55,788 --> 00:15:57,665
- What?
- Why don't you just admit

252
00:15:57,874 --> 00:16:01,461
you're nuts about me and you can't
stand me going out with other women

253
00:16:01,627 --> 00:16:03,921
so you try to eliminate the competition.

254
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:11,762
Sam, your hormones have staged
a <i>coup d'état</i> on your brain.

255
00:16:13,514 --> 00:16:17,226
No, no, no. Don't try to
distract me with hormone talk.

256
00:16:17,393 --> 00:16:20,021
Well, as long as we're talking
about transparent plans,

257
00:16:20,271 --> 00:16:23,524
why don't you just admit that you
brought that clone of me here

258
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:25,693
because you are still
hung up on me.

259
00:16:25,860 --> 00:16:30,865
Are you kidding me? There is only
one reason why you came back here.

260
00:16:31,032 --> 00:16:33,576
Because you asked me.

261
00:16:33,743 --> 00:16:36,871
I asked you, you begged to come back.
We're splitting hairs here.

262
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:39,749
Sam, Melville's want to know
if you still want that cheesecake.

263
00:16:40,082 --> 00:16:42,460
Yes, I want that cheesecake.
Tell them I'll be right up.

264
00:16:42,627 --> 00:16:45,338
I'm gonna go up and have
that cheesecake all by myself.

265
00:16:45,505 --> 00:16:47,173
It'll be the best company
I've had all evening.

266
00:16:47,340 --> 00:16:48,174
Indeed.

267
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:54,055
Unless you wanna come along
and make the evening a complete disaster.

268
00:16:55,348 --> 00:16:58,809
I wouldn't have cheesecake with you
if you were the last man on Earth

269
00:16:58,976 --> 00:17:01,979
and it was the last morsel of food.

270
00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:12,156
I'm getting kind of used
to eating by myself anyway.

271
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:24,168
Well, it is delicious cheesecake.

272
00:17:27,338 --> 00:17:29,090
Does your offer include coffee?

273
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:30,758
Maybe.

274
00:17:32,260 --> 00:17:34,929
- And a refill?
- Don't push it.

275
00:17:39,016 --> 00:17:40,601
Sam...

276
00:17:41,769 --> 00:17:44,897
...I am sorry that you
had to eat alone.

277
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,857
That's okay.

278
00:17:47,191 --> 00:17:49,485
What did you guys
talk about anyway?

279
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:52,405
Well, we talked about
the postmodernists

280
00:17:52,572 --> 00:17:55,283
and the trend away from
minimalism in literature.

281
00:17:56,325 --> 00:17:59,203
All of a sudden, my table
doesn't seem so bad after all.

282
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,874
And he says, "Yeah, my sister."

283
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:06,294
His sister!

284
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:09,964
Time for a little
in-flight refueling here.

285
00:18:10,131 --> 00:18:12,008
Oh, good.

286
00:18:12,008 --> 00:18:14,260
Now you're good
for another 1,000 miles.

287
00:18:17,847 --> 00:18:20,683
You two look like you've been having
a heck of a time. What did you do?

288
00:18:20,683 --> 00:18:23,019
- It'd be better to ask what we didn't do.
- Yeah.

289
00:18:23,185 --> 00:18:25,062
How about if we just
withdrew the question.

290
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,940
We caught the first quarter
of the Celtics game,

291
00:18:28,107 --> 00:18:31,861
went down to the petting zoo. It was
night, but we peeked over the fence.

292
00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:35,865
Then we went fishing and Dad took me
to the all-night barber's to get a haircut.

293
00:18:36,032 --> 00:18:38,200
Yeah, next time
he's gonna get them all cut.

294
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:45,708
Then later, we had a father-and-son
talk about the birds and bees.

295
00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:48,210
Yeah, well, I already knew
about that stuff.

296
00:18:48,377 --> 00:18:50,504
There was one thing
that was a little bit shocking.

297
00:18:52,381 --> 00:18:54,717
Excuse me, Daddy.
I gotta make a pit stop.

298
00:18:54,884 --> 00:18:58,346
Yeah, yeah, go right ahead.
I'll refuel a little myself.

299
00:19:00,640 --> 00:19:03,684
Tell me about Cliff ie. You guys
know him a lot better than I do.

300
00:19:03,851 --> 00:19:06,312
- Is he really as nice as he seems?
- Oh, you bet.

301
00:19:06,479 --> 00:19:09,398
And smart too. One of the
smartest guys I've ever met.

302
00:19:09,565 --> 00:19:13,235
And dependable. You call Cliff
at 4:00 in the morning, he's there.

303
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:15,404
Where the hell else would he be?

304
00:19:17,323 --> 00:19:20,326
Hey, Mr Clavin, do you have
the gift of gab like your son?

305
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:24,205
No, it comes from his mother's side.
She's the real yapper in the family.

306
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:27,958
My God, she gets rolling,
she's like a hyena on bennies.

307
00:19:28,709 --> 00:19:30,503
Hey, Dad, come on.
Time's a-wasting.

308
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:33,297
What do you say we go out
and get a set of matching tattoos?

309
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:35,841
Cliff ie, I gotta get cracking.
I got a plane to catch.

310
00:19:36,008 --> 00:19:39,553
Come on, Dad. So much time,
you know, we haven't talked.

311
00:19:39,762 --> 00:19:42,390
- We don't know about each other.
- Cliff ie.

312
00:19:42,556 --> 00:19:45,434
- I just had a terrific idea.
- Oh, yeah? What's that, Dad?

313
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:48,229
Why don't you come to Australia with me.

314
00:19:48,396 --> 00:19:52,817
Australia? I don't know if I can
leave all this. My friends, my job.

315
00:19:52,983 --> 00:19:55,277
You can make new friends,
and you don't need a job.

316
00:19:55,277 --> 00:19:56,320
What?

317
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,698
Cliff ie, I got a lot of dough stashed away.
We could live like kings.

318
00:19:58,698 --> 00:20:02,785
- Well, I need time to think about it.
- There's no time. I got to go now.

319
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:04,412
What's the rush?

320
00:20:04,620 --> 00:20:07,039
Cliff ie, I have got to get out of
this country as fast as I can.

321
00:20:07,873 --> 00:20:10,501
- What's going on?
- Okay, listen. I'll level with you.

322
00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:12,378
You're my son. I can trust you.

323
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:15,631
My business has gotten me
in a little trouble with the law.

324
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:19,802
- What kind of business is that?
- Real estate fraud.

325
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:27,059
- Dad, that's illegal.
- Good, I'm not going too fast for you.

326
00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:29,478
Listen, come on,
you gonna come with me?

327
00:20:30,271 --> 00:20:32,648
No, no, look, Dad,
I can't let you do this.

328
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:35,735
How about you give the money back,
throw yourself at the court's mercy.

329
00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,653
They'll let you off with 10 years max.

330
00:20:37,820 --> 00:20:41,198
Ten years. Come on, grow up, will you.
We're talking about heavy cake here.

331
00:20:41,407 --> 00:20:43,868
Now, I want you to come.
Are you gonna come or no?

332
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:46,704
Well, how do you know
I'm not gonna turn you in?

333
00:20:47,747 --> 00:20:51,208
Cliff ie, you're not gonna
turn in your own father.

334
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:53,544
I know that and you know that.

335
00:20:54,712 --> 00:20:56,130
Yeah, you're right, Dad.

336
00:20:56,922 --> 00:21:00,760
I had a couple beers. I'm gonna make
one more stop and then I'm gone.

337
00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:10,352
Give me the phone.

338
00:21:10,519 --> 00:21:12,104
What's wrong?

339
00:21:13,147 --> 00:21:16,942
My old man's a crook. He's leaving
the country one step ahead of the law.

340
00:21:17,318 --> 00:21:19,069
You're not gonna
rat on your old man!

341
00:21:19,361 --> 00:21:20,654
Think about this, will you.

342
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,615
Got nothing to think about now.

343
00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:24,742
Information?

344
00:21:25,159 --> 00:21:27,703
Yeah, give me the federal authorities.

345
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:32,917
I don't know.
Somebody in charge of rotten daddies.

346
00:21:35,461 --> 00:21:36,796
I can't do it.

347
00:21:37,880 --> 00:21:39,882
I've aided a fugitive from justice.

348
00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:41,926
I'm a disgrace to my uniform.

349
00:21:42,092 --> 00:21:44,595
Hey, come on. Come off it, Clavin.

350
00:21:44,804 --> 00:21:46,889
You didn't disgrace anything.

351
00:21:47,723 --> 00:21:51,352
You can't turn the old guy in
because you love him.

352
00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:54,188
Now, anyone would understand that.

353
00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:58,692
Thank you, Carla.

354
00:21:59,235 --> 00:22:00,736
You're right.

355
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:02,613
I do love him.

356
00:22:03,030 --> 00:22:05,491
Matter of fact, I think I'll go
give him a big hug right now.

357
00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:09,745
It might be a little uncool to hug him
in the men's room, you know?

358
00:22:12,289 --> 00:22:14,333
I guess you're right, Norm.

359
00:22:14,708 --> 00:22:18,838
What the heck. I can't wait. It's
the longest we've been apart all day.

360
00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:21,632
Carla, you know, for a minute there,

361
00:22:21,799 --> 00:22:24,260
you treated Cliff
as if he was a human being.

362
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:30,391
What you are experiencing
is a half-Melvin.

363
00:22:32,142 --> 00:22:35,646
You breathe one word of this and
I am going to give you a full-Melvin.

364
00:22:36,772 --> 00:22:38,566
I think we understand each other.

365
00:22:47,241 --> 00:22:49,076
He's gone.

366
00:22:51,954 --> 00:22:54,123
This is all that's left.

367
00:22:54,707 --> 00:22:56,959
What do you suppose
happened to him?

368
00:22:57,626 --> 00:22:59,044
It's obvious, isn't it?

369
00:23:00,212 --> 00:23:01,297
My father didn't trust me,

370
00:23:01,297 --> 00:23:04,800
so he gave me the slip
out of the bathroom window.

371
00:23:10,180 --> 00:23:13,309
Guess I'll just go home.

372
00:23:19,815 --> 00:23:22,026
You're ruling out
the other possibility.

373
00:23:24,486 --> 00:23:25,863
What other possibility?

374
00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:29,533
Well, it's a little-known fact,

375
00:23:29,700 --> 00:23:35,080
but more and more people have been
going into men's rooms and vaporizing.

376
00:23:36,373 --> 00:23:38,751
I mean, just disappearing
into thin air.

377
00:23:38,918 --> 00:23:40,419
It's an unexplained phenomenon.

378
00:23:40,586 --> 00:23:42,880
- It's kind of like the Bermuda Triangle.
- That's right.

379
00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,634
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Get serious, will you.

380
00:23:48,010 --> 00:23:49,011
Have it your way.

381
00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:56,477
Well, you know, however,

382
00:23:56,644 --> 00:23:58,437
this much is true, you know.

383
00:23:58,646 --> 00:24:00,773
There's been recent sightings
of human beings

384
00:24:00,940 --> 00:24:03,776
being shot up into the underbelly
of alien spacecraft.

385
00:24:06,236 --> 00:24:08,447
You know, and speaking
of the Bermuda Triangle,

386
00:24:08,614 --> 00:24:10,866
- it's not technically a triangle.
- It's not?

387
00:24:11,033 --> 00:24:12,826
Heck, no!

388
00:24:13,035 --> 00:24:15,371
It's a trapezedo-rhomboid.

389
00:24:15,579 --> 00:24:18,582
<i>They're perfect for attracting
Martian spacecraft.</i>