1
00:00:01,293 --> 00:00:04,713
Cheers <i>is filmed
before a live studio audience.</i>

2
00:00:04,880 --> 00:00:09,593
- All right, 1955 AL MVP.
- Yogi Berra.

3
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:12,679
All right, height of the left field wall
at Fenway.

4
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:16,725
- The Green Monster is 37 feet high.
- Told you.

5
00:00:18,352 --> 00:00:19,603
All right, here you go.

6
00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:24,233
- Ike Delock's lifetime ERA.
- 4.03. Had enough?

7
00:00:24,399 --> 00:00:27,277
Give it up, Norm. The woman's
a lean, mean trivia machine.

8
00:00:27,486 --> 00:00:29,655
- Unbelievable. You're the best.
- I know.

9
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:32,032
- Ask me something.
- Forget it, Zeke.

10
00:00:32,199 --> 00:00:35,744
There aren't any questions
about wheat in there.

11
00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:38,789
Oh, and I suppose you know
everything that's in this book.

12
00:00:38,956 --> 00:00:40,457
- If it's in there, I know it.
- Yeah?

13
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:42,751
- Yeah.
- Okay.

14
00:00:44,670 --> 00:00:49,675
What's the Library of Congress
card catalogue number?

15
00:00:50,801 --> 00:00:54,263
Seven, eight, zero, three,
four, seven, six.

16
00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:58,183
- That's not even close.
- What do you mean? Look there.

17
00:00:58,350 --> 00:00:59,351
What?

18
00:01:01,061 --> 00:01:02,396
That's it exactly.

19
00:02:16,887 --> 00:02:20,974
Hey, everybody. Guess what
I grew in my greenhouse?

20
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:24,936
Not another potato that looks
like Richard Nixon.

21
00:02:24,936 --> 00:02:27,564
No, I learned the error
of my ways there.

22
00:02:27,731 --> 00:02:30,484
Yeah, I guess I was pretty
off the deep end then, huh?

23
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:34,363
No, but this is nothing like that.
Look at that.

24
00:02:35,489 --> 00:02:38,241
A map of the Hawaiian islands.

25
00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:43,872
See the little bumps in the exact shape
and formation of our 50th state.

26
00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:47,542
Come on, Cliff,
don't make me look, please.

27
00:02:47,709 --> 00:02:51,838
Normy, Normy, this is one of nature's
fascinating little mutations here.

28
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:55,050
Resting in the hands
of one of her bigger ones.

29
00:02:55,217 --> 00:02:57,177
All right, no skin off my nose.

30
00:02:57,344 --> 00:03:01,682
I'll just put it in the bag
and take it on home.

31
00:03:01,932 --> 00:03:05,394
Hey, guess what's in the bag.

32
00:03:09,690 --> 00:03:12,067
"Human Sexuality"?

33
00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:14,486
You don't have to broadcast it.

34
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:16,863
It happens to be assigned reading
for a required course.

35
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:18,490
You're blushing.

36
00:03:19,574 --> 00:03:22,202
I am not blushing.

37
00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:25,956
I prefer to maintain a sense
of decorum, unlike you

38
00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:30,001
who brought in colored slides
of your wedding night.

39
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:32,629
They were a big hit.

40
00:03:33,714 --> 00:03:35,757
And your break was over
ten minutes ago.

41
00:03:35,924 --> 00:03:37,467
Oh, Carla, please.

42
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:42,222
I have to come up with a topic
for my psychology paper by tonight.

43
00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:43,765
I'm at a complete loss.

44
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,602
Of course I could turn out your
run-of-the-mill essay

45
00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:51,440
on sadomasochism, bestiality,
bondage and discipline.

46
00:03:51,648 --> 00:03:54,234
But I'm looking for something
with a little pizzazz.

47
00:03:56,153 --> 00:03:59,197
- Hello, everybody.
- Oh, Sam.

48
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:02,409
Would you please see if you can
light a fire under the stick?

49
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,994
She's been goofing off
for an hour.

50
00:04:04,161 --> 00:04:06,204
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. She's gotta write some paper

51
00:04:06,371 --> 00:04:10,041
about sex and she can't think
of anything to write about.

52
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:16,298
You're kidding me. She studied
for a whole year at Sammy State.

53
00:04:17,507 --> 00:04:21,136
Hey there. I hear you're
writing a paper on sex.

54
00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:24,973
- Is there any way I can help out?
- Thank you, Sam.

55
00:04:25,140 --> 00:04:27,601
This paper is on human sexuality.

56
00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:32,022
No, come on, I'm serious.
I want to help.

57
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:36,568
Well, it had occurred to me
to use you as a case study,

58
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:41,323
but I lack the proper clinical distance,
so that's out of the question.

59
00:04:41,490 --> 00:04:42,574
What are you talking about?

60
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,951
You got an A plus staring you
in the face, here.

61
00:04:45,160 --> 00:04:49,790
Come on, we're pals, aren't we?
Come on, let me feel useful.

62
00:04:49,956 --> 00:04:52,292
Well, you would be
an interesting study.

63
00:04:52,459 --> 00:04:55,504
Great. Kind of slow in here, why don't
you step into my laboratory.

64
00:04:58,381 --> 00:05:01,802
Well, all right. I am desperate.

65
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:04,346
Sam...

66
00:05:05,013 --> 00:05:07,432
...this has to be done
in a professional manner.

67
00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:10,894
I hope you'll take this seriously.
I'm only this far away

68
00:05:11,102 --> 00:05:14,773
from a master's degree in--
Well, 37 different subjects.

69
00:05:16,107 --> 00:05:21,154
But if I do well in this class, psychology
could well become my major major.

70
00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:25,200
Wow, and we were here, huh, Cliff?

71
00:05:27,118 --> 00:05:29,454
We're always here.

72
00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:35,710
Sam, before we start,
I want to warn you.

73
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:38,088
This will be frank and candid.

74
00:05:38,255 --> 00:05:40,799
We may be touching on some
highly sensitive areas.

75
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:44,386
I like the sound of it already.

76
00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:48,974
Go ahead. Go ahead.

77
00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:51,142
Okay, why don't we start
with your parents.

78
00:05:51,309 --> 00:05:53,770
Would you describe them
as physically demonstrative?

79
00:05:54,646 --> 00:05:56,314
I'm here, aren't I?
They must have been.

80
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:04,406
But why are you asking me
about my parents?

81
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:07,659
I'm asking about your parents
to lay a psychological foundation

82
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:10,495
- for your later behavior.
- Boy, this isn't as much fun

83
00:06:10,704 --> 00:06:14,291
as I thought it was gonna be.
When are we gonna get to me?

84
00:06:14,457 --> 00:06:17,878
Okay, why don't we jump to your
relationships outside the family.

85
00:06:18,044 --> 00:06:19,254
Yeah.

86
00:06:19,421 --> 00:06:22,382
At what age did you have your
first sexual encounter?

87
00:06:22,549 --> 00:06:25,427
That's more like it. Okay.

88
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:30,265
"Trevor, a Case Study."
Who's Trevor?

89
00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:34,185
- That's you.
- You're not gonna use my name?

90
00:06:34,811 --> 00:06:35,979
Of course not.

91
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:41,234
So I do all the work
and this Trevor guy gets the credit?

92
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:44,905
Sam, this is not your résumé.

93
00:06:46,573 --> 00:06:49,576
In a psychological treatise,
real names are never used.

94
00:06:49,743 --> 00:06:52,162
Yeah, but at least I should be able
to choose my own name.

95
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,915
How about "Duke"?

96
00:06:55,832 --> 00:07:00,211
- This is my paper, and I like Trevor.
- All right. All right.

97
00:07:00,378 --> 00:07:03,548
Let's see where were we? You wanted
to know about my first time, right?

98
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,967
Yes. How old were you?

99
00:07:08,470 --> 00:07:10,597
Boy, I'm not sure.

100
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:15,143
I know I couldn't get to her house
until the crossing guard showed up.

101
00:07:18,104 --> 00:07:20,732
Wow. First time
is kind of hard to remember.

102
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:24,110
- What about your first time?
- I'm the scientist, Sam.

103
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:27,781
My first time has nothing
to do with this.

104
00:07:28,031 --> 00:07:30,575
But just to lay the subject to rest...

105
00:07:30,909 --> 00:07:34,663
...it was the summer of my 19th year.

106
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:36,706
He was a young man in uniform.

107
00:07:37,624 --> 00:07:39,167
It was a brief encounter.

108
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:42,921
He left my arms and went
to his doom.

109
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:45,507
Oh, no, he was killed, huh?

110
00:07:45,674 --> 00:07:48,385
No, no, he went off to boot camp
and came back

111
00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:51,554
with the most God-awful haircut
I'd ever seen.

112
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:57,894
Now, may we get back to you?
And limit your responses to attitudes.

113
00:07:58,061 --> 00:08:00,522
Please leave out the gory details.

114
00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:02,649
Now, what about your
second encounter?

115
00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:05,902
Well, that would be
the crossing guard.

116
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:22,210
So, Woody, ready to take on Carla
in the sports trivia contest?

117
00:08:22,377 --> 00:08:26,381
Yeah, well, now, I've been studying
all week long, so go ahead.

118
00:08:26,548 --> 00:08:28,133
- Test me.
- All right.

119
00:08:29,843 --> 00:08:32,053
In what game did Ted Williams
break his elbow.

120
00:08:33,555 --> 00:08:34,806
Ted who?

121
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,728
I'd take another quick peek
in the book, Woods.

122
00:08:45,066 --> 00:08:48,194
- Diane?
- Dr. Greenspon.

123
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,613
What on earth are you doing here?

124
00:08:50,822 --> 00:08:53,033
I just wanted to come by
and tell you in person,

125
00:08:53,199 --> 00:08:56,828
I've read your paper, and I think
it is absolutely extraordinary.

126
00:08:56,995 --> 00:08:58,747
In fact, I wouldn't be surprised

127
00:08:58,913 --> 00:09:01,332
if <i>The New England Journal
of Psychology</i> wanted to publish it.

128
00:09:02,333 --> 00:09:05,920
Forgive me for losing my academic
demeanor for a few moments.

129
00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:10,884
- I'm sorry. Sorry.
- That's quite all right.

130
00:09:11,051 --> 00:09:13,928
- Would you like a drink?
- I'd love a beer, please.

131
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,597
Wonderful. Coming right up.

132
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,683
Of course I do have a couple
of reservations.

133
00:09:20,769 --> 00:09:24,814
Well, the most significant concerns
your psychological subject, Trevor.

134
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:30,028
Since you seem to have found such a
near perfect example of Don Juanism,

135
00:09:30,028 --> 00:09:34,866
there are bound to be those who are
going to doubt this paper's authenticity.

136
00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:38,495
Doctor, I assure you,
every word is true,

137
00:09:38,661 --> 00:09:40,413
although I understand your doubt.

138
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,249
It is hard to believe
that such a man exists.

139
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:45,543
Doctor...

140
00:09:46,669 --> 00:09:49,047
Why don't you have a seat over there
for just a couple of minutes.

141
00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:51,007
I'll join you soon.
There are a few things I have to do.

142
00:09:54,844 --> 00:09:56,554
- Sam.
- Yeah.

143
00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:00,725
Would you mind
if I revealed your identity

144
00:10:00,892 --> 00:10:03,478
to my psychology professor,
Dr. Greenspon?

145
00:10:03,645 --> 00:10:07,023
Mind? Yo, doc, Trevor here.

146
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:10,527
- Alias: Sam Malone.
- Lowell Greenspon.

147
00:10:12,070 --> 00:10:14,489
That's an amazing case history
you have.

148
00:10:14,697 --> 00:10:16,282
Yeah, isn't it? Knock on wood.

149
00:10:16,282 --> 00:10:18,576
So you'd say that the paper
is accurate?

150
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:22,247
Well, now, we had to change a few
of the names to protect the satisfied.

151
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:29,462
- Well, it's been very nice to meet you.
- Yeah, you too.

152
00:10:29,629 --> 00:10:33,049
- Thank you, Sam.
- Yeah. No, thank you very much.

153
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,178
What a find you have there, Diane.

154
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:39,848
So you really think it's publishable?

155
00:10:40,390 --> 00:10:42,767
Well, that brings me
to my other reservation.

156
00:10:42,934 --> 00:10:45,186
- What?
- In Trevor,

157
00:10:45,395 --> 00:10:47,772
you've shown us the cause, yes?

158
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:52,485
What the paper lacks is the effect.

159
00:10:52,694 --> 00:10:57,407
Now, if you could possibly find one
of these conquests to learn

160
00:10:57,574 --> 00:10:59,534
why she's so gullible.

161
00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:04,247
What gives her such low self-esteem
so that she could possibly

162
00:11:04,414 --> 00:11:06,416
fall for this blatant manipulation.

163
00:11:09,460 --> 00:11:11,045
I don't know.

164
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,675
Well, if you did, I don't see how
the <i>Journal</i> could fail to publish it.

165
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,397
Hey, Woody.

166
00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:32,817
Come on, buddy,
get your nose out of that book.

167
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,028
How much more trivia can you cram
into that head?

168
00:11:35,904 --> 00:11:38,281
Yeah, maybe you're right.

169
00:11:38,448 --> 00:11:41,784
My brain must be filled up,
because my hair hurts.

170
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,622
Why don't you call Carla over
before I forget everything.

171
00:11:45,788 --> 00:11:48,208
Carla, you got a brash,
young challenger over here who says

172
00:11:48,374 --> 00:11:50,752
he's gonna boot you off the top
of sports trivia mountain.

173
00:11:50,919 --> 00:11:51,961
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

174
00:11:52,128 --> 00:11:55,048
Well, he said it before and I've always
left him bleeding in the dust.

175
00:11:55,882 --> 00:11:59,344
I say, Jethro goes down
in three questions.

176
00:11:59,510 --> 00:12:04,849
Okay, everybody, gather around
for the sports trivia championships.

177
00:12:05,934 --> 00:12:08,436
- Give me your best shot.
- Okay.

178
00:12:08,603 --> 00:12:11,564
What was the lowest round
ever recorded

179
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,567
in a PGA-sanctioned
golf tournament?

180
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,154
- Fifty-nine, Al Geiberger.
- He's right.

181
00:12:18,321 --> 00:12:19,489
All right.

182
00:12:23,201 --> 00:12:25,787
Who was the oldest
heavyweight champion?

183
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:28,373
- Jersey Joe Walcott.
- Yeah. Bingo.

184
00:12:28,581 --> 00:12:30,792
- All right, those were easy questions.
- Two for two.

185
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,378
You're gonna choke on this one.

186
00:12:34,295 --> 00:12:39,676
Who was the only pitcher to ever lose
a one-hitter in the World Series?

187
00:12:41,177 --> 00:12:42,971
- Bill Bevans.
- He did it.

188
00:12:43,137 --> 00:12:45,056
All right.

189
00:12:46,849 --> 00:12:50,270
New York Yankees, 1947,
against the Brooklyn Dodgers.

190
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:54,190
- All right. That's good, Woody.
- Goodwoody. Elmer Goodwoody,

191
00:12:54,399 --> 00:12:56,276
shortstop, Boston Beaneaters.

192
00:12:57,986 --> 00:13:00,321
It's all right, buddy, take a rest.

193
00:13:00,488 --> 00:13:04,117
Take A Rest,
winner of the California Derby, 1959.

194
00:13:05,118 --> 00:13:06,703
Ten-eighty to win,

195
00:13:06,869 --> 00:13:08,788
six-forty to place,

196
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:11,499
three-twenty to show.

197
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:18,631
- So you liked my rewrite?
- Oh, yes.

198
00:13:18,798 --> 00:13:20,383
I just can't get over it.

199
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:24,595
I mean, who would have thought that
this "Colette" that you described

200
00:13:24,762 --> 00:13:31,144
as "rapturously beautiful, intelligent,
indeed brilliant with an ethereal quality"

201
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,771
could be so easily manipulated
by Trevor.

202
00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:39,277
Trevor is not without his charms,
crude as they may be.

203
00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:42,488
Well, but they're so transparent.
The woman would have to be addled.

204
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:46,034
- She'd have to be totally lacking--
- Thank you. Your point is made.

205
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,244
Oh, hi, doc.

206
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:52,373
- Oh, my, is that the paper there?
- This is it.

207
00:13:52,540 --> 00:13:54,625
You know, I still haven't had a chance
to read that.

208
00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,961
- Mind if I take a look?
- You wouldn't enjoy it.

209
00:13:57,128 --> 00:13:58,588
Oh, don't be modest, Diane.

210
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:01,591
I'm looking forward to your
presentation of it in class tonight.

211
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,676
- Thank you, doctor.
- Tonight?

212
00:14:03,843 --> 00:14:06,637
Hey, you know, wait a second,
I'm the headline act of that thing.

213
00:14:06,804 --> 00:14:09,640
- You mind if I sit in on class?
- Oh, Sam.

214
00:14:09,807 --> 00:14:12,602
- You wouldn't enjoy the class, either.
- It's very dry and boring.

215
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:16,856
No reflection on you, Professor.
I mean to someone

216
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:20,360
of Sam's limited intelligence.
No reflection on you, Sam.

217
00:14:20,526 --> 00:14:24,238
What I mean is, don't you have
to cover for Woody tonight?

218
00:14:24,405 --> 00:14:27,533
Oh, you're right. Darn it.
Well, too bad, huh? Doc.

219
00:14:27,742 --> 00:14:29,786
Shoot, and that did sound like fun too.

220
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:31,245
Wait a second, I've got an idea.

221
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,997
Why don't you bring them
all over here.

222
00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:35,833
Kind of a field trip.
See Trevor in action.

223
00:14:37,627 --> 00:14:39,504
We could hardly do that. But...

224
00:14:40,380 --> 00:14:43,591
I don't think some of the members
would mind coming by for a drink afterwards.

225
00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:47,011
It would give them a chance to meet
the clinical case in the flesh.

226
00:14:47,178 --> 00:14:50,723
Oh, I'm not going to promise that.
We'll just see how the evening goes.

227
00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:55,103
He's remarkable.

228
00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:57,980
Sam.

229
00:15:00,566 --> 00:15:01,776
- Sam.
- No, not now.

230
00:15:01,984 --> 00:15:05,947
I'm going to prepare my lecture, here.
You know, it's about time

231
00:15:06,114 --> 00:15:10,535
I gave something back to the sport
that's given me so much.

232
00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:14,664
Sam, I think you should read this
after all.

233
00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:17,458
It's not what you think.

234
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:20,169
If you change your mind
about the class coming here tonight,

235
00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:22,797
call me at home. I'll understand.

236
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:37,562
<i>"The Don Juan Syndrome
in Modern Culture: An Analysis of...</i>

237
00:15:38,521 --> 00:15:43,234
<i>...Sat-- Sate-- Sater-- Satyriasis."</i>

238
00:15:43,901 --> 00:15:48,364
Oh, man, she did it.
She even made my sex life boring.

239
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,409
And not for the first time.

240
00:16:01,669 --> 00:16:04,297
Excuse me,
is there a Cliff Clovin here?

241
00:16:05,047 --> 00:16:08,092
It's Cliff Clavin, partner,
and you're looking at him.

242
00:16:08,259 --> 00:16:11,053
Oh, hi.
I'm a reporter from the <i>Chronicle.</i>

243
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,473
You the guy that sent in this picture
of a squash

244
00:16:13,639 --> 00:16:18,144
- with the Hawaiian Islands on it.
- Yeah. Yeah. What did I tell you guys?

245
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,521
This is one story
they couldn't squash.

246
00:16:21,606 --> 00:16:22,899
There you go.

247
00:16:23,065 --> 00:16:25,359
To be honest,
it's not the squash I'm looking for.

248
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:29,655
Actually, it's a part of a larger story
on eccentrics here in Boston.

249
00:16:30,948 --> 00:16:32,617
You know, the lunatic fringe.

250
00:16:33,117 --> 00:16:36,078
Lonely people desperate for attention.

251
00:16:36,245 --> 00:16:37,830
Yeah, yeah, but where do I fit in?

252
00:16:38,039 --> 00:16:40,791
You come right after the old lady
with the 84 snakes.

253
00:16:42,043 --> 00:16:44,420
Okay, I'm insulted,
and I'll thank you to leave this bar.

254
00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:47,840
They don't pay me enough.

255
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:52,094
Cliffy. All right,
you stuck up to that guy.

256
00:16:52,261 --> 00:16:53,596
You didn't let him exploit you.

257
00:16:53,596 --> 00:16:56,057
Yeah. Who the hell they think
they're dealing with.

258
00:16:56,224 --> 00:16:59,685
I ain't giving my squash second billing
to a broad with a bunch of snakes.

259
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:03,689
Hey, how would you like to get a look
inside that old bag's head, huh?

260
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:09,779
Professor Malone, I think you've got
a little class in session there.

261
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:13,032
Hi, Doc. Over here.
Welcome, everybody.

262
00:17:13,032 --> 00:17:15,660
Why don't you come over
and take a seat anywhere over here.

263
00:17:15,660 --> 00:17:19,997
There's no need to be so formal,
but if you have something prepared.

264
00:17:20,164 --> 00:17:22,667
Oh, just a few things
off the top of my head.

265
00:17:22,833 --> 00:17:26,254
Did you bring an apple
for the teacher?

266
00:17:27,797 --> 00:17:28,965
- Sam.
- Yeah.

267
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,425
I didn't hear from you,
so I assume you read the paper.

268
00:17:31,592 --> 00:17:33,469
Paper? Oh, yeah.
Couldn't put it down.

269
00:17:33,678 --> 00:17:35,680
Are you sure you still want
to go through with this?

270
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,683
- Oh, absolutely.
- But, Sam, I don't feel this--

271
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:40,434
No, come on. Take a seat here.

272
00:17:40,601 --> 00:17:45,147
Don't want to be late for class.
Okay, sit down.

273
00:17:45,356 --> 00:17:47,066
Welcome, everybody.

274
00:17:47,233 --> 00:17:50,820
Now, I realize you came here
to meet me and find out

275
00:17:51,028 --> 00:17:55,032
what makes a guy like me tick.
So I asked myself:

276
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,868
"What makes you so different
from everybody else

277
00:17:58,035 --> 00:18:00,329
when it comes to scoring big
with women?"

278
00:18:00,663 --> 00:18:04,792
And I think it's--
I think it's this: I love ladies.

279
00:18:04,959 --> 00:18:09,880
I love the way they smell,
the way they sound, the way they feel.

280
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:13,384
And by the way, that shade
of lipstick really compliments

281
00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:16,178
that rosy glow on your cheeks.

282
00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:17,972
Unbelievable.

283
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:19,765
Now, see, I'm not the only one
who thinks that.

284
00:18:20,725 --> 00:18:23,311
Okay. All right, let's--
Enough about me here.

285
00:18:23,477 --> 00:18:25,313
Let's open up this discussion
a little bit.

286
00:18:25,479 --> 00:18:27,064
- What's your name, son?
- Barry.

287
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:28,608
Barry. All right, Barry.

288
00:18:28,774 --> 00:18:33,362
Why don't you tell me what you do
when you meet a girl for the first time.

289
00:18:33,529 --> 00:18:38,367
Well, I talk to her and I let her know
that I respect her as a human being.

290
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:40,745
I ask her out
without putting any pressure on her,

291
00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:43,080
and I let the relationship
grow naturally.

292
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:50,338
Well, we all have some
pretty crazy ideas when we're young.

293
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:54,800
Okay, can anyone tell me
where Barry went off the beam?

294
00:18:58,554 --> 00:19:00,097
Miss Chambers has a thought here.

295
00:19:02,391 --> 00:19:04,977
All right. Well, all right, I guess so.

296
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,938
We can take five here.
Smoke them if you got them.

297
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,736
- You didn't read this, did you?
- Didn't have to, I lived it.

298
00:19:13,903 --> 00:19:15,738
Sit down, please.

299
00:19:23,245 --> 00:19:25,498
"Trevor is the image
of the arrested adolescent,

300
00:19:26,374 --> 00:19:28,000
entirely self-orientated,

301
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,586
still intimidated
by the women around him

302
00:19:30,753 --> 00:19:32,963
and attempting
to prove himself superior to them.

303
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:37,760
Through sexual conquest he can,
for a time, quell his constant fears

304
00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:39,261
of inferiority and failure.

305
00:19:41,347 --> 00:19:43,432
Indeed, the idea
of a nonsexual relationship

306
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:44,684
is completely foreign to him.

307
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:48,854
As the years pass and his physical
attractiveness diminishes,

308
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:52,316
he'll be doomed to a life
of loneliness and despair,

309
00:19:52,483 --> 00:19:54,402
unable to give or receive love."

310
00:20:01,075 --> 00:20:05,413
- Is this really how you feel about me?
- This is my clinical view of you.

311
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:08,416
As a woman,
I might have felt something different

312
00:20:08,624 --> 00:20:10,543
than I feel as an academician.

313
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:15,131
It makes my life seem so cheap
and pathetic.

314
00:20:15,297 --> 00:20:18,843
- Sam, you're reading things into this.
- Like here where it says,

315
00:20:19,051 --> 00:20:20,469
"His life is cheap and pathetic."

316
00:20:26,892 --> 00:20:28,602
Don't be hurt.
I hate it when you're hurt.

317
00:20:29,603 --> 00:20:33,274
This is not a true picture of you.

318
00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:37,903
I exaggerated in order
to corroborate my thesis.

319
00:20:43,325 --> 00:20:44,410
Boy, I don't know.

320
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,079
Maybe I am gonna end up this way.

321
00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:50,541
You're not listening to me.
This is a paper.

322
00:20:50,708 --> 00:20:53,294
Theory and conjecture.

323
00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:55,796
I was going for a grade.
I told the professor

324
00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:57,715
what I thought he wanted to hear.

325
00:20:57,882 --> 00:20:59,759
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.

326
00:20:59,925 --> 00:21:01,802
I mean, everything in here is true,

327
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:07,475
including the part about I've never
had a nonsexual relationship.

328
00:21:07,641 --> 00:21:11,604
Now, there, that's a good example
of exaggeration.

329
00:21:11,771 --> 00:21:13,647
You and I have
a nonsexual relationship.

330
00:21:13,814 --> 00:21:15,232
How can you say that?

331
00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:18,861
Well, I think that the fact
that we don't have sex is a major hint.

332
00:21:20,196 --> 00:21:24,116
That's just because we promised
to try to keep our distance.

333
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,534
And we have.

334
00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:29,497
Our relationship has reached
the mature adult stage.

335
00:21:31,707 --> 00:21:33,959
Well, I wish there
were some way I could...

336
00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:35,294
...prove it to you.

337
00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:39,632
Well, maybe there is.

338
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:42,051
Sit on my lap.

339
00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:47,389
I'm just trying to convince myself
that I can be close to a woman

340
00:21:47,556 --> 00:21:49,099
without it being sexual.

341
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:53,938
- This is the silliest thing I've ever--
- Hey, come on, Diane.

342
00:21:56,899 --> 00:22:00,986
Well, if it'll help prove something
to you, all right.

343
00:22:06,826 --> 00:22:08,869
- Boy, you're nervous.
- I am not.

344
00:22:09,995 --> 00:22:11,747
- There, we did it.
- Hey, come on.

345
00:22:11,914 --> 00:22:15,209
Come on, you can't just get up
like that. That doesn't prove anything.

346
00:22:15,376 --> 00:22:18,045
Come sit here, and let's just try
to have a normal conversation.

347
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,714
There is nothing normal about this.

348
00:22:23,759 --> 00:22:28,931
- What do you want to talk about?
- It doesn't matter. Anything.

349
00:22:29,139 --> 00:22:30,724
- How about the weather?
- Okay.

350
00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:36,021
- Nice weather.
- A little nippy.

351
00:22:36,188 --> 00:22:38,274
Well, that's because we're in Boston.

352
00:22:38,440 --> 00:22:42,069
Now, if we were in, say, Tahiti.

353
00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:47,032
- We'd be lying in the sun.
- Getting a tan.

354
00:22:48,325 --> 00:22:49,618
Maybe even a sunburn.

355
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:52,037
Well, not if we rubbed oil
all over each other.

356
00:22:56,625 --> 00:22:58,294
What are we trying to prove again?

357
00:22:59,628 --> 00:23:02,590
Something about that I can carry
on a normal conversation

358
00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:05,718
- without it being sexual.
- Well, so much for the weather.

359
00:23:05,885 --> 00:23:08,220
- Yeah.
- How about music?

360
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:12,391
- No, we don't like the same music.
- Well, we can talk about that.

361
00:23:13,684 --> 00:23:17,354
- All right. I like rock 'n' roll.
- I like classical.

362
00:23:17,521 --> 00:23:19,273
- Harmonies.
- Grandeur.

363
00:23:19,440 --> 00:23:23,944
- The hot guitar licks.
- The strings washing over you

364
00:23:24,111 --> 00:23:26,447
in a darkened concert hall.

365
00:23:26,614 --> 00:23:28,282
The driving beat.

366
00:23:32,745 --> 00:23:34,830
The low moan of the cello.

367
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:40,252
The drums, pounding,
pounding, pounding.

368
00:23:41,712 --> 00:23:44,924
- But if we don't agree, we don't agree.
- Yeah, right.

369
00:23:46,383 --> 00:23:47,968
- What's that leave us?
- Religion.

370
00:23:48,177 --> 00:23:49,470
Religion. All right, the Bible.

371
00:23:49,637 --> 00:23:50,679
- Adam.
- Eve.

372
00:23:50,846 --> 00:23:52,681
- Fig leaves.
- Sin. All right.

373
00:23:53,474 --> 00:23:56,060
- Okay.
- Well, I think we've proved our point.

374
00:23:56,226 --> 00:23:58,646
Clearly we have
a nonsexual relationship.

375
00:23:58,854 --> 00:24:00,356
And you are a fine human being.

376
00:24:00,522 --> 00:24:02,524
- Well, thank you, Diane.
- So if you'll excuse me,

377
00:24:02,691 --> 00:24:05,611
I'm going to go out there and tell them
my paper is completely invalid.

378
00:24:05,903 --> 00:24:08,197
- There you go.
- Your knob.

379
00:24:08,364 --> 00:24:09,657
Yes, I believe so.