Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Sam, two nights ago on the boat,
you demonstrated in no uncertain terms
that you and I are inevitable.
You said those words I had hoped to hear for so long,
"Will you marry me?"
Before thinking, I responded, "No. '
But then I realized all I needed
was some time alone to clear my mind.
Now I have returned to you with a resounding "Yes!"
It's fate, Sam.
I don't like it any more than you do,
but I've decided to accept it.
Therefore, I'm going to work here
so that when you finally accept it,
as we both know you will,
we can move forward to build and nurture our relationship.
Excuse me. I have customers to wait on.
No, you, listen. I don't want you here.
I don't want you in the building.
I don't want you on this planet!
- He's crazy about me. - No, I'm not crazy about her.
I tell you, you make me sick to my stomach.
- That's how I am about her. - We have kind of a little thing going.
Now, what would you like?
I'm sorry. This isn't my table.
Miss Chambers?
You know I'm your friend, and friends should stick together, so...
- I'm really happy you're back. - Oh, Woody, thanks.
Well, kind of happy because Sam's my friend, too.
So I can't be too happy, or else he'll can me,
which would make me really sad.
And I know you, as my friend, wouldn't be happy about that.
So whatever you do, don't tell Sam what I just told you.
What did you just tell me?
Perfect.
Sam, what do you think of Vivaldi at the ceremony?
You can invite anybody you want. I don't care. I'm not gonna be...
As a matter of fact, nobody's gonna be there
because there's not gonna be a wedding.
But if you want to work here, that's fine.
You've got my blessings.
I'm glad you've come around to see the wisdom of it.
There's wisdom in it. There's tons of wisdom.
Let me tell you why.
I want you to have a front-row seat here
for all the luscious babes I'm gonna have marching
through here every night.
As a matter of fact, from now on, it's casaba city,
and you're looking at the mayor.
You'll pardon me if I don't refer to you as "your honor"?
I'm going down to the Cape this weekend for a little R&R.
That's Rhonda and room service.
I love the Cape. We spent so many happy hours there
sightseeing, talking.
Rhonda and I aren't gonna have any time for sightseeing.
We're gonna be just coming up for air long enough to order
some of that fish head soup.
Bouillabaisse.
No, I mean it.
Fine. I couldn't care less.
I'll just continue on
securing the knowledge that you love me.
I did not say "I love you."
You proposed to me.
Love and marriage go together.
Why else would you propose to someone?
Nevertheless, do what you will.
But keep in mind that you might try to sabotage
this tryst of yours because deep in your heart,
you know it's not right, we are.
Oh, yeah, I see what you're doing.
You're trying to plant a little seed in my brain.
Oh, don't be silly.
I know of nothing that grows in solid rock.
Yeah.
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Diane. Welcome back.
Carla, you don't seem surprised that I'm working here.
I knew you'd return.
Your kind always does...
Like roaches after atomic testing.
Well, I must say I'm relieved to see you act this way.
I was expecting something a little more violent.
No.
I'm glad you're back.
You see, I got this theory.
If you and Sam hang around each other long enough,
one of you is gonna kill the other.
Now, if Sam kills you, fine.
If you kill Sam, I'll turn you in,
get a reward, and you'll get the chair.
Either way, I come up a winner!
I think we're becoming friends.
Let's have a slumber party sometime.
Hey! There's a kitty cat in here!
A guy gave him to me on the way in this morning.
You know, my kids have been giving me
a lot of crap about not having any pets,
so I figure Max here ought to shut them up for a while.
What do you call the little one?
What little one?
All that wheat's making you hallucinate.
Oh, great! She's having babies!
There's another one! You're a farm boy.
What are you supposed to do to stop this?
Well, it's too late to go to the drugstore.
I swear, I swear this cat
was not pregnant when I got it!
The minute it becomes a Tortelli,
it starts dropping them like...
Oh, yeah. There you are.
Well, I'm off for my weekend, Diane.
Oh, by the way, did I tell you that Rhonda was double-jointed?
Hey, Sam? It's for you.
Yeah, hello?
Oh, hey, Rhonda. I was just talking about you.
Oh, no, don't do this to me, ple...
Well...
Can't you be born again on Monday?
All right. Well, you, too.
Do you believe that? She canceled on me.
Women.
Reminds me of what my uncle Henry used to say.
Oh, yeah? What was that, Woody?
"Women."
Hey, Sammy, don't let Diane hear about Rhonda.
She'll load that info into her shotgun and take aim.
Yeah, no one is gonna ruin Sam Malone's weekend,
no matter what Diane says.
Yeah, hello, Vicki?
Yeah, it's Sam Malone.
Yeah, yeah. Listen,
how does the idea of 48 hours of sun and surf
up at the Cape grab you?
Oh, yeah? Well, if that grabs you,
how does the idea of me grabbing you grab you?
Yeah, all right.
All right. Yeah, me, too.
Okay, I'll see you in about two hours, then, Vicki.
All right. Bye-bye.
Yeah, yeah!
I thought her name was Rhonda.
Well, Rhonda canceled, but that's good.
That's good because I like Vicki better than Rhonda.
As a matter of fact, I kind of hope that Vicki cancels
because I have someone even better waiting in the wings.
I know, me.
No, no, not you!
You know, Vicki, I just want you to know that
this is gonna be the most beautiful,
terrific, special weekend of my entire life.
Listen, you don't need to keep selling me
on this weekend. I'm sold.
- All right. - I'm famished.
- I wish they'd take our order. - They'll be here, don't worry.
Nothing is gonna ruin this weekend, I'll tell you that.
Perfect.
Have you decided?
What'll you have?
- What's the catch of the day? - You mean besides me?
This is great, isn't it? Isn't this great?
We're having fun.
I'll take the scallops.
Yeah, two of those. That'll be good, yeah.
Are you sure you're okay?
Yeah. Are you kidding me? That was fun for me.
Wasn't it fun for you?
Very spontaneous, refreshing?
I'll move you to another table.
Don't you dare. This is perfect.
Thank you.
Someone tried to convince me that this weekend
was gonna be a total disaster.
- Really? Who? - That person right there!
Sam!
What a surprise!
Hello.
- Hello. I'm Vicki. - I'm...
Leaving, immediately.
Diane. Are you enjoying your weekend?
Of course she's enjoying her weekend.
It's a fantastic weekend.
Did you notice your table's all wet?
That's because we want it that way.
As a matter of fact, we ordered it wet.
Hey, I think it's drying out a little bit.
Don't you? There you go. That's better.
Excuse me, miss?
There's a telephone call for you at the desk.
Thank you.
I'll be right back.
I'll miss you.
What the hell are you doing here?
You know, all your talk of a lovely weekend at the Cape
made me realize how much I needed to get away myself.
It's just the most incredible coincidence
that we ended up in the same place!
Yeah. I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to rattle me, but the joke's on you
because I'm better under pressure. I don't rattle.
Only when you shake you head.
- Have fun. - Okay.
You know, you just guaranteed
this is gonna be the most perfect weekend ever.
Oh, good. Yeah, you're back. Yeah, that's perfect.
No, why don't you sit down over there at the end.
This might be wet here.
Sam, I'm afraid I'll have to leave.
Oh, God, no. Don't say that, please.
I'm sorry.
Look, that was my sister on the phone.
Our grandmother's ill. I have to fly to Idaho.
Why? You're not a doctor. oh, come... Please.
- Please don't... - Sam, I'm sorry this happened,
but you're going to have to drive me back.
No, no.
I have to stay here.
I'll call you a cab.
Well, as long as you don't go out of your way.
What, again, Vicki?
Boy, even rabbits take a break to eat.
When you're finished there,
go upstairs and help the lady in Mr. Malone's room
with her bags.
She's checking out...
Her grandmother's ill.
I'd heard she was dead.
It's nice to know she's just sick.
Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel.
A vowel?
There are only two spaces left.
She wants to buy a vowel?
Where do they get these people?
Who is it?
Room service.
Oh, yeah. Yeah, good. Thank you.
Put it right over there.
I bet you're wondering why I ordered two of everything
when there's only me up here.
No, not really.
Actually, it's because I want to give the impression
that there are two people in the room.
Well, you fooled me.
Good.
- Where are my hot fudge sundaes? - I couldn't fit them on the tray.
- I'll be right back up with them. - Great.
Make sure you parade them around the lobby a couple times
before you bring them on up, will you?
Sure.
Hello?
Hi, Sam. How's it going up there?
Fine.
Don't do that, Vicki! I'm ticklish!
Sam, I feel an apology is in order.
I may have made your friend Vicki a bit uncomfortable earlier.
Well, she's plenty comfortable right now, so I'll pass on her message.
- Bye-bye, Diane. - No, Sam!
I wouldn't feel right
unless I expressed my feelings personally.
Let me speak with her, please.
She...
She's in the bathroom right now.
She's tickling you from the bathroom?
Well, she just went in there.
She always runs into the bathroom after she tickles me.
Perhaps it's nausea.
Sam, I really want to apologize to her face to face.
I'll be right up.
No! Don't!
Oh, good! Do me a favor, will you?
- I'll pay you $50. - I beg your pardon?
Let's go, Harvey.
No, please. No funny stuff at all.
Come on. You'll be saving my life here. Come on in.
Hold it, now! Just a minute here!
I promise you, no weird stuff.
I just want your wife to go into the bathroom
and make some noises.
What kind of noises?
I don't know. Woman kind of stuff,
like you're getting all dolled up for some hot action.
What does that sound like?
I don't know. Whatever you and Harvey do.
Never mind. Just...
There you go. $50.
- Hi, Sam. - Hey.
Where's Vicki?
She's still in the bathroom.
Well, I'll just wait.
No, you know,
this could take a little while here.
Why don't you,
why don't you just yell your apology through the door here?
Oh, that's silly. I'll be here all weekend.
I can certainly wait.
She sure is busy.
Is that enough, or should we snap some towels?
See, he's the bathroom inspector. It's a new thing.
Sam, let's call an end to this nonsense right now.
I don't care how rough you were on her,
that is not Vicki.
You see, I know Vicki left.
I've known all along.
And you let me go through this whole stupid act?
Well, I wanted to see how far you'd go...
Ordering two sets of meals,
leaving empty bottles of vitamin E outside your door.
Yeah, well, what about you?
You know, coming all the way up here to spy on me?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Yeah?
What's the use?
We both look like imbeciles.
All we do is find new ways to humiliate each other.
I humiliate you by saying "no"
to your sweet proposal.
You humiliate me by rejecting my retraction.
You carry off this ridiculous charade.
I spy on you in hotel rooms.
It's become sick and degrading, and quite frankly,
I'm embarrassed to be a part of it, Sam!
Yeah, well, I'm not too thrilled you're part of it, either.
Here you go, pal.
Oh, yeah.
I guess this all looks pretty weird, doesn't it?
Oh, nothing I haven't seen before.
I believe you owe us $50.
Now, there's a new one!
Boy, Carla, you know, I never thought you'd be able
to unload all those kittens in one night.
Yeah, it was just a simple matter of marketing technique, you know?
Giving away a beer with each kitten really did the trick.
Come on. Let's go.
Time for your first cab ride.
You know, you guys are really gonna love Vera.
She has legs just like a scratching post.
- Oh, good evening. - Evening.
Oh. It's you?
Small world.
I thought I was eating late enough to avoid seeing you.
Me, too...
The only reason why I waited so long to eat.
Oh, I thought perhaps it was because you've been eating for two.
I'm kind of glad you're here.
I've been sitting here driving myself crazy.
When we used to come here,
wasn't there a lobster trap out in the lobby?
Oh, yeah.
I guess the lobsters finally wised up
and started coming through the kitchen.
By the way, I suppose I owe you an apology
for being here this weekend.
In retrospect, I guess...
It was probably a mistake.
"Probably"?
I'd say "definitely,"
if you were to admit that it was a mistake
to flaunt your date in front of me.
Apology accepted.
Boy, the one thing I really hate is to eat alone.
I always feel like someone's looking at me.
I'm the only one here.
Well, you're looking at me.
Then you can either join me, or I can eat with my eyes closed.
I'd hate to have you butter your knuckles.
Good.
Sam, you know what I remember most
about being here before?
Oh, sure, sure.
I think the salt air gives me extra stamina.
Actually, I was thinking of the clams oregano.
But now that you mention it, I did enjoy the...
...salt air.
Sam, what I said before about our relationship,
I'm...
I'm sorry I said it. I was upset.
It may not be ideal, but...
...it hasn't been without its moments.
Speaking of moments, this is beginning to feel like one here.
Yes, I think I've decided what I want,
and it's not on the menu.
You want to skip the main course
and jump right into the Sammy souffle?
I see you haven't lost your way with word.
Let's go.
Yes, this is the perfect moment,
but it is with the understanding, isn't it, of...
...what this step we're about to take means?
Oh, yeah. No problem.
If they give us any trouble, I'll just pay for both rooms.
What it means between us.
Now, wait, listen...
No, it has to mean something, Sam.
I'm only gonna agree to do this if we agree
that it doesn't mean anything.
How can our lovemaking not mean something?
Well, it's easy, just concentrate.
I don't want to get caught up in a war of words with you.
What I'm feeling right now is very special,
and I think we should go upstairs and be with each other
and figure out what it means afterwards.
Let's go.
- No. - What?
I got to be clear what I'm doing here. I mean,
my gut's telling me one thing,
but my head's telling me something quite different.
I don't believe what I'm hearing.
Gotcha!
You were joking?
Yeah. How's it feel?
I mean, how do you like it when you get your motor all revved up,
and then someone jerks the rug out from under you?
Well, mixed metaphors aside,
- I don't like it a bit... - Yeah.
But your point is well taken and I deserved that.
Well, great.
All right. Come on, let's go.
No.
What do you mean, no?
Oh, all right. I see what you're doing.
That's good. That's very funny.
All right. Come on.
No. The only place I'm going is home.
It was very funny. I laughed. The joke's over here.
Sam, this is the wrong time for physical dalliance.
It's too soon.
If we rush into a physical encounter now,
we might ruin the much more important nuptial consummation coming up.
Smell the old salt air?
Sam, please. This is nothing to worry about.
We're on the right course. When we're married,
you'll be happy we waited. Really,
this is nothing to be upset about. Bye-bye.
Fine! Fine.
I mean, it's perfect!
You said someone was gonna ruin this weekend,
but now I'm really gonna have some fun here!
Shoot.
- Did we lose another one? - Yeah.