Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
So grab your rod, reel, and join us next week
when Jim takes us trolling on lake winnipesaukee.
Nice show.
Well, if you ask me, there's something wrong
with watching televised fishing.
Not the same impact as watching it live, Woody?
Hey, you know something? I got a great idea. What's to stop us
from taking a little fishing trip ourselves?
We don't want to?
Come on, it would be fun, you know? We could go
this very afternoon, head out to lake winthrop.
What do you say?
All right, okay, let's get organized here.
Woody, you be in charge
- of bait and tackle, okay? — gotcha.
Cliffie, in charge of food
- and transportation. — okay.
What are you in charge of, Mr. Peterson?
Finding a reason not to go.
Here we go.
Gladiator film festival at the majestic.
Hey, that's a good one.
Degustibus nomnis depandem!
- Hi, Sam.
Some customer was in with some tickets to some concert.
Sounded foreign and dull.
I thought you wouldn't want to miss it.
Thank you.
Jean-Pierre rampal?
It was just some customer. Didn't really catch his name.
He's a flautist.
Nothing less than brilliant.
No other player could so eloquently fuse
the world of classical music to that of modern jazz.
What a perfect performer for us to see
on this, our first official date together
in our newfound relationship.
What should I wear,
something long or tea length?
Why don't you wear something you can stretch out in.
The seat next to you is gonna be empty.
- Sam. — come on, please,
can't you scrape somebody else up to go? Please.
And the operative word there is "scrape."
There's only one man I want to be with.
No. I'll go alone.
And it'll be fine.
Miss chambers, I might be back
from my fishing trip in time to take you
if I don't stop to clean up first.
No, thank you, Woody. That's very sweet.
Maybe next time.
Okey-doke, but I don't know
when I'm gonna be going fishing again.
Cliffie, it was not ten. I had 11 of them, 11!
You're wrong, normie. Wrong!
How was the gladiator film fest, fellas?
Not now, Sammy. We're awash in controversy.
You had ten, norm, just like me.
- Ten what? — anachronisms.
Those things that aren't in the time period
in which the film was set.
I mean, I like to see who gets the most.
Today it was me. 11.
Normie, you had ten just like me. There was no way
was Caesar Augustus wearing reeboks.
So, you guys ready to go fishing?
We got to, you know, Woody, couple beers first.
You know, I worked up a powerful thirst
watching Thracian dogs smite spartan pigs.
Greetings, everyone.
Hey, frasier, how about a beer?
Well, Sam, just make it a club soda.
I've got to appear on TV today. I want to keep my wits about me.
- Oh, my. - No kidding?
- What's the TV show? - It's a local talk show
called psychology this week.
- Maybe you've heard of it. - — I know all about that show.
It's where once a week a couple of shrinks get together
and debate certain aspects of the psychological condition.
That's right.
Man, we had to pick today to go fishing, huh, cliff?
I'm surprised. I didn't know you were a fan.
Well, he was, but he stopped watching
when they lost the hostess with the big hindenburgs.
It's on at 4:00. It promises to be very cerebral
and, I might add, darn entertaining.
Unfortunately, frasier, it interferes
with another highly cerebral event,
the raiders/patriots game.
Yeah, right.
I realize that football's a rarity on television in the fall,
but don't you think we could spare half an hour
to see our friend frasier?
Do you have any idea how much action you can miss
in a half an hour of football?
About 18 seconds.
All right. I guess it won't hurt. Much.
Thank you, Sam.
Cheers.
Yeah, hold on a second.
You want to tell me what the taxicab was doing
parked in front of the temple of Athena?
All right. It was...
Probably taking Demetrius to the airport.
Well, thank you.
As it turns out,
you can now watch your game with a clear conscience.
I won't be doing that show after all.
What changed your mind, frasier?
Well, Dr. Foster had to cancel and...
Dr. Sternin is going to take his place.
Lilith sternin?
You mean that...
Pardon my French, woman you once dated?
That's a rather charitable description, cliff.
I just hope they can find someone to replace me
as readily as they did Dr. Foster.
Can't handle debating a woman?
A woman, yes. An ice cube in heels, no.
Look, I have no intention of entering a debate
with those cold, gray eyes and those clever smirking lips.
I'd rather clip my nails in a cuisinart.
Oh, my!
- What's wrong? - Don't you see? Frasier's in love.
- He's what? - Oh, come on, Sam.
You're forgetting I was once romantically involved with frasier.
I know when he's enamored of someone.
Didn't you see his nostrils flare?
And everyone knows
that hate is not the opposite of love,
indifference is.
Well, whatever you say. I really don't care.
Touché, Sam.
Let's be honest.
Quite often you've expressed feelings
of antagonism towards me,
and we both know how much you love me.
I do not love you, Diane, and I have the nostrils to prove it.
You're wrong about frasier.
I mean, I know psycho—babble when I hear it,
and I also...
Frasier...
There's a theory going around the bar
that you're ticked off with Dr. Sternin
because you're in love with her. What do you think?
Well, it sounds like someone
who doesn't know shortcake from shinola.
Hey, good guess. Good guess, Diane.
Oh, well,
that's nothing but mere cocktail—party psychology.
Believe it or not, Sam, it's actually possible
to have hostile feelings toward someone
without being in love with them.
You mean I can actually hate Diane
without having it mean anything more than I hate her?
Feel free.
I better cancel that appearance before it's too late.
Frost warning.
Good afternoon, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Sternin.
What a lovely surprise.
I hope I can regard that
as civility in light of today's situation
rather than sarcasm at my expense.
No, that was completely at your expense.
You know, I wasn't gonna do today's show
when I heard you were the other guest.
But then I realized I'd relish proving
my superiority over you in public.
Yes, that appeals to me, too.
So I felt we should at least discuss
some procedures of conduct.
Don't you dare.
My mistake.
So, am I to assume that you just naturally thought
that I'd be at this drinking establishment?
Actually, knowing your obsessive compulsiveness,
I checked with your service, and indeed you'd left them
a very complete itinerary of your day.
I trust all went well at the dry cleaners?
Thank you, yes.
Then I can assume from your questioning
that you're attempting to make idle conversation
rather than articulating
some controlled dysfunction with my personal habits.
That's correct.
Are they fighting?
First of all,
I think any mention of our past relationship
could tarnish the objectivity factor of the show.
You call that a relationship?
I mean, we dated one time.
The closest we came to physical contact
was when you closed the car door on my hand.
Are you repressing?
Forgive me. Actually you're quite right.
Yes, I should be straightforward in telling you
that you are passionless, stoic, and emotionally numb.
- Apology accepted. - Merci.
Yeah, I'm sure they're fighting. He just asked for mercy.
Secondly, I think perhaps...
Look, Dr. Sternin, if you'll excuse me,
I have to cash a check and fill up my gas tank
- before the show. — yes, I know.
Have the attendant make sure your tires aren't as inflated as your ego.
You know, you perplex me.
Yes, normally, people of your limited physical appeal
make up for it with an actual personality.
Dr. Sternin, excuse me.
I overheard Dr. Crane's remarks.
If it's any consolation, I can empathize
with your hurt feelings,
if you'd like to share any of them with me.
As a fellow woman, I would consider it an honor.
Who are you?
Diane chambers.
I'm an old friend of Dr. Crane's,
a student, and until my imminent marriage,
an employee at cheers. Please, let's sit down.
Well, I suppose I am just a little sensitive
when it pertains to my appearance.
Well, if I may be so bold as to step into your arena,
I believe that frasier's hostility
is masking a deep attraction to you.
Thank you, Diane. It's been a long time
since I've had such a good laugh.
Why would frasier crane be attracted to me?
- I'm not that kind of woman. - — but you can be.
It just takes a little softening of the edges.
Perhaps loosen the bun a bit
to release some of the tension in your face.
I'm afraid it's not as easy as all that.
That's nonsense. Look, I'm not far from here.
Why don't you come over to my place,
and I'll show you what I mean.
We'll just put a little more make-up on
I really don't think I can do that.
Come on, Dr. Sternin.
You're going to be on television today.
A little refinement of your appearance
might give you an edge in the debate.
Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt.
Good. Let me get my things.
Sam, may I have my purse, please?
And I'm going to be taking my lunch a little early today.
Thank you for showing up at all.
You're welcome.
Shall we go?
You know, I've always envied women like you
who can simply tumble out of bed each morning
looking blonde and perky.
Well, I must admit,
in my case, there's a little labor involved.
She calls in local 416.
Come on, guys.
Okay, the tank's full and the gear's all loaded.
I got everything we could possibly need for a fishing trip.
Hey, Woody, look, we're right in the middle of the game.
I got a battery-operated portable TV in the car.
We got a few beers to finish here yet, buddy.
I got a cooler full icing down in the trunk.
Yeah, I think the kid's outlasted us, norm.
Hot dog! Look out, trout!
If you guys don't mind, I'll do the driving.
All right, I got shotgun.
Wouldn't it be more sporting to use a fishing pole?
This is going to be great!
It's a fumble!
Willard picks it up...
Come on! Come on!
Oh, come on! What are you doing?
Now let's all check our watches.
Did we not promise to watch frasier's show at 4:00?
- Everybody see it? — yeah!
All right, fine. I'm not gonna play cat and mouse
with the silly remote control box.
You know, all you people ever see of frasier crane
is an ordinary Joe sitting at the bar
being one of the guys.
You should see him in his métier.
He's a brilliantly perceptive man.
Does somebody have a box that will shut her up?
No, but I'd be glad to do it manually.
No. Come on, you guys, we made a promise.
Thank you, Sam.
First I'd like to introduce Dr. Frasier crane.
Dr. Crane is an eminent psychiatrist here in the Boston area,
specializing in the treatment of phobias.
Joining Dr. Crane in this discussion is Dr. Lilith sternin.
Dr. Sternin is a member of the psychiatric staff
at Boston general hospital.
- Welcome, Dr. Sternin. - Thank you.
Dr. Crane.
You really made her look beautiful, Diane.
Physician, heal thyself.
You've made many excellent points, Dr. Sternin.
How do you respond to them, Dr. Crane?
Dr. Crane?
Excuse me. What was the question?
Yes, of course. Excuse me.
Yes. My method of flooding...
Seeks out the patient's...
Most sensitive and vulnerable spot...
In the defense system and...
Penetrates...
Probing deeper and deeper...
Into the patient's psyche,
thrusting over and over...
Thereby uncovering the reality behind the irrational fear.
Thank you, Dr. Crane.
Anything to add, Dr. Sternin?
Although Dr. Crane's method is faster...
A slow and methodical approach
can be much more rewarding.
Gentle stroking of the psyche
will bring about a far more intense
release of emotion,
building...
Until the patient quite often will literally cry out
in the release of satisfaction and joy.
Point well taken.
This intellectual stuff's getting me all hot.
This is embarrassing. We shouldn't be watching this.
Well, maybe just a little longer.
And that concludes this afternoon's program.
Dr. Sternin, Dr. Crane,
thank you for joining us.
Excuse me.
For a written transcript of this afternoon's show,
please send a self-addressed stamped envelope
to psychology this week,
box 84037,
Boston, Massachusetts,
what was that box number again?
Hey, fellas, how was the fishing trip?
Would've been a little better without cliff's jabbering.
Guy catches one fish, turns into Ernest Hemingway.
- Congratulations, cliff. - — thank you, Sammy.
Yeah, it was man against fish.
The rest of the world was shut out.
He was a good fish,
a clean fish,
a strong fish.
Get that stinking slimy thing out of here,
and take your fish with you.
Frasier, I didn't expect to see you here.
Thought you'd be exchanging psychological positions with Dr. Sternin.
Please, Sam.
I made a complete fool of myself today and Dr. Sternin.
If they'd have had a hose at the studio,
they would have turned it on us.
Actually, that sounds kind of fun.
I'll never be able to look her in the eye again.
The only consolation is that nobody ever watches that show.
Way to go, sex machine.
I'm ruined. Half of new england saw me today as a rutting pig.
Come on, frasier, you're not in rut, you're in love.
Nonsense. I don't think
that because two people breathe heavily on a TV show
is any cause for them to declare their undying love.
Breathe heavily?
I thought you were gonna suck in a chair there.
Listen, a TV station
may not have been the best place in the world
to sprout antlers, but it happened. Go with it.
Dr. Sternin, you're back.
Diane, I'd like to thank you for your pygmalion-like efforts.
I'd like to but I can't because they've led to disaster.
Good evening, Dr. Crane.
Dr. Sternin,
- it's nice to see you again. — and you.
I apologize for my overzealous behavior
this afternoon and for making fools of us both.
Yes, well, I would also like to apologize
for my completely unprofessional attitude and...
I promise you that that sort of thing will never happen again.
Fine. I've already penned a letter
to the American psychiatric association
apologizing for my behavior. I would suggest that you do likewise.
Of course.
And I think perhaps for the sake of our professional reputations,
it's best we put this matter behind us
and go on with our lives.
That is probably wise.
You see, I've already lost three patients
as a result of today's fiasco.
That's odd. I picked up three.
While we're on the subject, Dr. Crane,
I suggest that your behavior indicates
an unacceptable level of sexual frustration.
You strike me as a man who needs professional help.
Or perhaps a girlfriend.
And you strike me as a woman who could use a good cuffing.
- Good day, Dr. Crane. - — good day, Dr. Sternin.
Just a moment, Dr. Sternin.
Sam,
isn't the refrigerator door stuck again?
I don't think so.
I think it is,
and we need a hairpin to open it up.
Dr. Sternin, could we borrow a hairpin?
I don't see how a hairpin will help.
Strangely enough, it does.
Don't you see?
What these two people who are such geniuses of romance
are trying to do
is to get you to take your hair down,
thinking that it will stimulate me like some pavlovian dog.
So why don't you just oblige them,
get this silliness over with so we can get on with our lives?
You mean like this?
Precisely.
- You know what? - What?
I'm going to kiss you...
I'm going to kiss you hard, and I'm going to kiss you long.
But make no mistake about it, I am going to kiss you.
In fact, I'm going to kiss you like you've never...
Yes, like that.
Now, listen, Lilith,
I think you and I have just been too articulate for words.
We talk and we talk, and what we really want to do
- is show how we feel. — I think, Dr. Crane...
Look, I don't care what you think.
We both want to be animals. Now, I'm going back
to my tastefully decorated townhouse and prove it.
But I suggest you come with me.
I think I see what you're trying to do, Dr. Crane,
and I just want you to know...
It worked.
Let's go.
Isn't it exciting to see the blush of newfound love on their faces?
Do you realize we've just seen the birth of a new...
Don't you have some place to go?
Oh, yes...
The concert...
By myself.
I'll go.
And sure, I'll be alone, but I don't care
because I'm in love,
and no one who's truly in love can ever be alone.
And I know my fellow loves me.
He just doesn't know it yet.
So I'll go to this concert, listen to the music,
and dream again of the day when he'll be sitting beside me,
holding my hand,
sharing the moment.
That's my dream
and mine alone.
- No one can... - — get her out of here!
- I'll go. - — only if you really want to.
But this is not a date.
The fact that we sit together has nothing to do with anything.
We're gonna take separate cabs,
I will not talk to you during the intermission,
I'm not gonna take you anywhere afterwards,
and we will not mention this ever again, okay?
- Fine. — okay.
Is that love or what?