Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Boy, did I have a crazy dream last night.
What was it?
I was at this party with a bunch of strangers.
Food was great, music was loud.
All of a sudden, everybody in the place stopped,
and was looking at me.
And I realized I wasn't wearing any pants.
I've had that dream a million times.
Yeah, me, too. And boy, is it ever embarrassing, huh?
Why's that?
Norm?
Never embarrassed me.
Tell you the one I hate-- you're back in college, right?
You haven't been to class the entire semester.
The teacher's about to give the final exam.
Oh, yeah, that one's the worst.
What are you talking about, Carla, you never went to college.
It's a dream, stupid.
How about the one where you go to this fancy restaurant
and before the let you in, they make you leave your legs at the door?
The girl gives you claim check number six.
So you go in. But instead of food,
everyone's eating their silverware.
Only you can't really enjoy your fork because you're so worried
that whoever got claim check number nine
Might finish first and pick up your legs by mistake.
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
Two vodka martinis, and a Wallbanger.
Wallbanger.
Sam, I need to ask a big favor.
All right, as long as it doesn't interfere with your job.
Okay then, I need to ask a huge favor.
Would it be possible two weeks from this coming Wednesday
for me to leave work early, about ten minutes?
- Sure, why not? - Oh, thank you, Sam.
Thank you very much.
And thank you for not prying further into the matter.
Especially since, well, I've no valid excuse
for my early departure.
Sam, I must be frank.
Sounds good. I'll be Bob.
I mean it's not as if I have a dental appointment
or I have to meet someone at the airport.
Okay, Diane, why do you have to leave early
two weeks from this Wednesday?
Well, if you must know...
I have a date.
Oh, yeah, I've heard of those.
Have fun.
Ahh. Sweet, transparent bravado.
Could there be a soul dearer
than the little boy lost,
trembling on the edge of despair,
yet struggling manfully
to maintain his stiff upper lip?
Thank you for noticing.
Wait, Sam. Wait, one more thing.
What?
After our five-star dinner and season premier of the ballet date,
Chad, Dr. Stark, may desire a kiss.
Would you mind, should he ask,
if I let his lips touch mine?
Touch your what?
Mr. Peterson, I forgot,
some guy dropped by earlier and asked me to give this to you.
Thank you, Woody.
And thank you, God.
What's that, Normie?
A research grant from the National Beer Foundation?
This would be a measly little pair of sky view seats
for the Sox-Yankee double-header.
You're kidding me?
I pulled every string I had and I could only score standing room.
Come on, how'd you get that?
Sam, it's not who you know, it's who I know.
A client friend of mine, Jerry Donahue, sent those babies over
to thank me for being such a fantastic financial counselor.
No, seriously, how'd you get them?
I saved the guy a bundle on his taxes last year.
He asked me to invest his windfall.
And in the face of six short months, I kind of doubled his money.
I got lucky in a little convenience mart up in Worcester.
What did you do, hold it up?
You guys are hilarious,
But Jerry's laughing all the way to the bank, all right?
I diversified the guy.
We went into mutuals
And a very pretty little BioTech company that just went public.
Boy, it sounds like you got the Midas touch there.
You should hear some of the other great ideas we have cooked up.
Yeah? like what?
No, sorry, guys. My lips are sealed.
Buy you a beer.
It's called Tan 'n' Wash.
Now, Tan 'n' Wash, guys,
the ultimate marriage of luxury and convenience.
Combination tanning salon and coin-operated laundry.
Get real.
Come on, the timing's right on this.
Summer tans are fading.
Winter's coming.
It's always dirty clothes season.
It's gonna be the hottest place in town.
I'm glad you're already thinking about arson.
Don't listen to them, Norman.
Never be deterred by the mindless jibes of the ignorant masses.
Those ignorant masses are gonna be our customers.
I'll be there with bells on.
Everyone will be there, buddy,
fluffing, folding, relaxing happily
Beneath the healthful rays
of a federally-approved UVA bronzing unit.
Well, Normie, I got to say, it's the silliest,
most harebrained scheme I've ever heard of.
Well, I got to go.
Normie, walk me out.
I'm not leaving yet, Cliff.
Neither am I.
Come on. I want in.
In what?
Don't be naive, Normie. Put me up for five shares.
No, no. investments are risky, Cliff.
I never do business with friends, all right?
Besides, it's 200 bucks a share.
Put me down for five, too, will you?
Great. Now the cat's out of the bag.
I think you're all crazy.
But if Clavin makes big bucks and I don't,
I won't be able to live with the shame.
Give me a share.
Me, too. Me, too!
You, Diane, laying bets on a laundry?
Well, in my case, it's not a gamble,
but rather a show of faith in our great free enterprise system.
Yes, even Diane chambers isn't immune
To the renaissance of American patriotism
in the 1980s.
Although I hasten to remind you
this does not imply any shifting of my support
toward the current administration.
I hope nobody's looking for a silent partner.
You know, Diane, you shouldn't be investing in a tanning salon,
you ought to be using one. You got skin the color of Elmer's glue.
I happen to have
what restoration poets referred to as alabaster skin.
Well, at least your hair looks nice.
Besides, with my rendezvous with Chad coming up,
I can't risk freckling.
Why not? if it got boring, you could always play connect-the-dots.
God, how this must torment you.
Come on, Norm, are you gonna let us in or not?
Let's change the subject, all right?
Hey, he's trying to sidetrack us.
This thing must be a gold mine.
Hey, Normie. correct me if I'm wrong,
but yesterday you had a letter
You needed mailed. I did it.
You could at least return the favor.
Cliff ie, that's your job.
Well, all right, then, as one professional to another,
come on, Norm!
I know what's gonna happen! I know what's gonna happen!
Something's gonna go wrong, You're all gonna blame me.
No way!
All right. well, what the heck.
Hey, Wood, you want in?
I don't think so.
You know, when I left home,
my father gave me some very sound advice.
Never trust a man
who can't look you in the eye,
never talk when you can listen,
and never spend venture capital
on a limited partnership
without a detailed analytical fiduciary prospectus.
Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - Norm!
Hey, Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Like a baby treats a diaper.
So...
What's the deal with the Tan 'n' Wash?
For a new business, I'd say
Tan 'n' wash is doing as well as could be expected.
Oh, yeah? I dropped by this morning
and the only customer in the place
Was a lonely woman kicking the hell
out of a jammed change machine.
Oh, come on.
By the way, you owe me a quarter and a new pair of shoes.
Patience, Carla. All right? Patience.
There are gray skies on the horizon.
Yeah, it's gonna get cold and damp and miserable.
We'll be wading in customers.
I think we're wading in something right now.
I've worked out a great new promotional campaign.
Promotional campaign?
Hey, hey!
Check out Mr. Tan there!
Say, Sammy, did you just fly to the tropics
and spend a week and thousands of dollars
under the blazing unhealthy sun?
No, Norm. No, I just spent my lunch hour
under some healthful federally-approved UVA rays at the Tan 'n' Wash.
Say, those clothes are really looking clean there, pal.
Well, thank you, Norm.
Now, is it true that with these coupons
anyone can get 25% off on their first five visits?
- Well, that's what I hear. - Great!
Well!
I tell you...
Is that Cliff Clavin or is that Don Ho?
Where you been, buddy? Some faraway island resort?
Easy mistake there. But no, I got this tan right here in Beantown.
Is that at the new Tan 'n' Wash
I been hearing so dang much about?
That's right, Normie. And by the way,
did you realize that the tan first gained popularity
in what is now known as the Bronze Age?
Great. Well, I'm sold.
By the way, look how white I used to be.
You wore your socks in the tanning booth?
I got to be careful, Sammy.
The Clavin men have feet like a baby's bottom.
With faces to match.
Back off, Carla. I don't see you
pitching in for the cause here.
Yeah? Well, all I know
is I wouldn't stick a fork in a toaster, never mind my valuables.
Come on, guys.
What do you say we snap up these flyers?
They can't last forever.
I wouldn't be so sure, Norm.
You know, Peterson, you got the guts of a burglar.
In here peddling a tanning salon
On the sunniest day of the year.
Outside of someone with a financial interest in the place,
who'd be stupid enough to spend a minute in your rip-off joint?
You try to help out a few newly enterprising friends,
and what do you get for your trouble?
Forty-five minutes in Hell.
Keep it down, will you? Keep it down here.
Keep it down?
I've got the worst sunburn of my life
thanks to a faulty thermo-regulator
on tanning machine number three,
"The Bahama Mama."
Frasier...
You're supposed to start off slowly, all right?
But I must say you do have one heck of a fantastic base coat there, Frasier.
Yeah, and your shirt sure smells fresher.
Really?
It's not too lemony?
Not for you.
Sorry.
Well, it's just that it's such a lovely sunny day out...
As your tanned faces will attest.
I guess I'm feeling especially girlish.
- How come, Miss Chambers? - No, don't, don't.
You know, Woody,
the usual thing that puts a bounce in a girl's step.
Support hose.
You're adorable.
No. I'm referring to a very special evening.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Didn't you have a date or something last night?
You know perfectly well I saw Chad,
But it was no big deal.
Yeah. Yeah.
I refuse to ask her about last night.
You ask her, Woody.
Gotcha.
Well, looky here.
The paper predicts
the same high for Boston as Honolulu.
That's Honolulu, Hawaii,
the state where you can get a free tan all year round.
Carla, if you're trying to say something,
why don't you just spit it out, all right?
Tan 'n' Wash bites it!
Okay. I'll admit,
Indian summer's killing us temporarily.
But this is Boston. It's gonna get cold.
Hey, Sam. I found out all about Miss Chambers' date.
It was a beautiful night of magic.
Just spill it, will you, Woody?
Well, the ballet was exquisite,
but it paled by comparison
to the enchanting coach ride under the stars.
Chad held her porcelain-like hand lightly,
tracing tiny circles on her alamander...
alabaster.
...alabaster skin.
And then...
Fearing that the spell might be broken,
she invited him up to her pied-a-terre
for some quiet conversation
and warm brandy, and then...
What?
Miss Chambers said if you want to hear the rest,
you got to ask her yourself.
Forget it. forget it, man.
Ask her, Sam.
Sounds like you won't be disappointed.
Forget it!
Frasier, a sunburn?
No, I'm doing my impression of a blood blister.
Hey, Frasier,
you know, there's something
I've always been meaning to ask you.
What was your reaction
the first time you saw Diane naked?
Normie, I can't hold out any longer. Ma's getting antsy.
The last time she spent $1,000,
it was on a house.
Cliff, I'm sorry, I really am,
but you guys begged me to let you in.
It's not like I didn't warn you.
Oh, sure!
"Don't do this!
I pray to God you don't do this!"
You call that a warning?
Hey, I predicted this.
You guys are nervous nellies
And you're trying to blame it all on me.
I want out, Norm.
Me, too.
Who wants a tan in the winter anyway?
Wait. This is not the smart move.
You got to hang in there.
You got to roll with the punches, all right?
You're gonna roll with the punches
if you don't get us out of this.
I just don't think that we're cut out for it.
Apparently not, all right.
Jeez. Have it your way, guys, okay?
All right, tell you what, okay?
I'll personally buy out your shares, all right?
I'll have your checks in the mail within a week.
Stupid mistake.
Stupid. Stupid.
Woo! Boy! Still snowing out there.
Yeah, and every flake means another buck
in Norm's pocket.
You guys still moaning because Norm hit the jackpot
and you didn't?
Hey, come on, Paul, give us some credit for being adults, huh?
Hey, what do you say we toilet paper his house?
Nah. It would only make it look better.
Sam, excuse me, may I have your ear for a moment?
Sure, just don't leave any bite marks.
Sam, I've decided to break off my relationship with chad.
Who?
What an actor you are.
If you hadn't chosen bartending,
you could well have had a career in the theater.
Or as a model.
Anyway...
You needn't continue
this charade of nonchalance.
I'm ending my affaire de coeur
because I can sense how it's secretly gnawing away at you.
Okay. All right.
I'm glad.
All I've been able to think about is you and Chad
in your apartment,
in his car, on the stairs,
doing things even we never did.
I can't eat. I can't sleep.
Oh, Sam. Really?
- Gee, maybe I could've been an actor. - Oh!
Afternoon, everybody.
Norm!
Norman.
How do you feeling today, Norm?
Rich and thirsty. pour me a beer.
Yes, Sir, Mr. Peterson.
Boy, you sure have gotten successful, huh?
Well, Woody, you know what they say about success.
It's 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.
So's your shirt!
You know what else they say about success, Mr. Rockeflounder...
It's lonely at the top.
Yeah, but the food's better, Cliff.
You don't have to rub our noses in it, man.
I mean, we're your friends after all.
Friends? You call yourselves friends?
The last four or five times I've walked in here,
you treat me as if I've done something wrong,
You know, not one of you guys
has bothered to congratulate me for my success,
which I might add you all had a chance to share in.
Maybe I should just take my refreshment business elsewhere.
To think of all the hours I wasted in here
when I could've been wasting them somewhere else.
Norman, Norman,
please don't leave.
We're taking it out on you,
but we're really mad at ourselves.
The hostility you're feeling is for our own stupidity
of bailing out of this project.
Right, everyone?
You guys are beautiful.
Well, come on, wait a second.
Come on back here.
We've been acting like creeps, Normie.
I'll fluff up your favorite stool.
I'll open a fresh bag of pretzels.
I'll pour you a beer just the way you like it--
Within reach.
What we're trying to say here is...
We're sorry.
You had the guts to stick it out,
and we didn't.
You deserve all the success.
Thank you, Sam. I'm really glad to hear that
because I have a little surprise for you guys.
I never took you out of Tan 'n' Wash at all.
And here are your first dividend checks, right?
Oh, Norman!
Serious?
For he's a jolly good fellow
For he's a jolly good...
Cheers. It's for you.
Put them on hold.
Which nobody can deny
Hey, all right!
Look, it's snowing even harder out now.
Oh, it's a harbinger of good fortune!
You said it, bum butt!
Snow today means dough tomorrow!
Let's carry Mr. Peterson around the bar on our shoulders,
and then go play in the snow.
Let's go play in the snow!
Hold it! hold it!
Last one out's a Clavin!
You're not gonna get me this time!
Oh, I'm always the Clavin!
Ah, Woody!
Woody, Woody, look at them, huh?
Isn't that great. they're singing and dancing.
It gives me a great feeling all over
to do something good for those people.
Speaking of people, you got one on hold here.
Hello.
Yeah. Hi.
Oh, no.
No, get out. No!
What are you...
No, man, no!
Well, at least we...
No?
We...no!
Wait, wait, wait!
Bad news, Mr. Peterson?
Wrong number, Woody.
Aren't those annoying?
Uh...
Guys, friends...
Listen, people, excuse me!
Listen, I know things have been going just beautifully,
but...hey, would you stop jumping up and down for a second?
Thank you.
Now, let's just take a hypothetical situation.
Just for fun,
let's just say that the roof collapsed over at Tan 'n' Wash
from the weight of all this snow,
and by some little quirk, we didn't have any insurance.
How would you guys feel about that, huh?
Just checking.