Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Good afternoon, Woody.
Oh, hiya, Mr. Twitchell.
If it isn't Walter K. Twitchell,
The man who put the knee in wienie.
You South Central Branch types are all alike. Wisenheimers.
Good Lord, Miss Agnes.
You're wearing your postal key chain,
and you're not on active duty?
That's a direct violation of postal regulations.
I'm filing a report on you.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
I'd love to see the supervisor's face
when he calls me out on the mat,
and I whip out this little baby.
Care to take a peep at the old French peeper here, Twitch?
I warn you...
She's pretty hot stuff.
You're a sick man, Clavin.
What?
Nice shiner there, Twitch.
They can never pass up a chance
to sneak a peek at Natalie in her nightie.
Nightie?
Wasn't wearing anything I could see.
Yeah?
Revenge is sweet.
Here's the mail! Have a nice day.
I'll get you!
You developing a slow leak, Diane?
No.
I have a problem.
I just don't know who to talk to.
Oh. Well, how about me?
I don't think that would be appropriate in this case.
You see, it's a romantic problem.
Considering our past, I don't think
you could possibly maintain your objectivity.
Oh, come on, give it a shot.
Very well.
As you know, last week I was substituting
as a teaching assistant at the college, and...
It seems that one of the students has fallen in love with me.
Marry him.
Sam... in this case,
the smitten youth is particularly good-looking.
No.
Make that exceptionally good-looking.
Okay.
No. Make it Greek godlike.
The problem is that he's very persistent,
and with his beauty and youthful ardor,
I find myself inexplicably drawn to him.
He's asked me out several times.
Now, I don't want to encourage him,
but on the other hand, I'm tempted.
What do you think I should do, Sam?
I'm sorry. I got sidetracked there.
I was looking at my foot.
Sam, please.
As you know, I'm one who prides herself
on her attraction to the inner man.
Every once in a while someone comes along
that makes you go "zowie".
Oh, stop it, will you?
You're just trying to make me jealous.
Your being jealous
was the farthest thing from my mind.
Although, now that you bring it up,
any sane man would be jealous of Lance Apollonaire.
Oh, come on, if you're gonna make a guy up, at least
give him a name that doesn't sound like a bad after-shave.
I knew it was a mistake to talk to you.
I'll just have to deal this on my own.
Rest assured, though, that the last thing I need
is to become that young man's Mrs. Robinson.
Wouldn't that be Mrs. Apollonaire?
No, Woody.
Mrs. Robinson was a...
Yes, it would.
Top of the day, everybody.
What a fine day it is, too.
Why the good spirits, Mr. Clavin?
Well, you guys ever hear of the Knights of the Scimitar?
Yeah, it's one of those lodges, right?
The lodge, Sammy.
It's always been a dream of mine
to become a member.
Well, yesterday I made it.
You guys are looking at a Knight.
Hey, that's great.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
You know, Dad himself was a Knight.
When I was a kid, I used to sneak up into his room
when he was out at work,
and try on his turban and sword.
And unless I miss my guess,
you completed the outfit
with your mother's bra and high heels.
Carla, this is serious.
It's no easy task getting into the Knights.
Oh, sure, as the son of an alumnus,
I was guaranteed full membership.
But well, my oath does not permit me to say any more.
Thank God.
Yeah. But the best part is...
Your oath, Clavin. Your oath.
No, this stuff's permissible.
Oh, shut up anyway.
Well, so, don't listen!
Look, the best part is that now I'm a member,
I can get all you guys in.
Of course it's gonna have to be one at a time.
Now, I've figured out a fair way to do the choosing, okay?
I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.
Whoever's the closest wins. Norm, you first.
2,000,012.
2,000,013.
2,000,014.
Well, the number was four.
Norm's closest with 2,000,012.
Darn! I was gonna say four.
I should've stuck to my first instinct.
Cliff ie, thanks a lot, but I'm just not interested.
I guess I'm an example of the old adage...
I'd never join a club
that would have someone like you as a member.
Hey, Normie.
The Knights got a lot of bankers, lawyers,
- sort of captains of industry down there. - So?
So, they're gonna need accountants,
and God knows you could use a few clients.
I've heard those places are great for making contacts.
Business has been down just a bit this past year.
There you go.
Woody, give me the horn, will you?
Boy, you're gonna love it down at the lodge.
After a hard day's work,
it's a great place to unwind.
Yeah. Wearing those turbans, you probably need a place to unwind.
You know, unwind?
Turbans, how they're all wound up around your head,
then you gotta unwind them.
Hey, good one, Woody.
I was voted class clown.
You should be proud.
I was only running for class president.
Oh, Diane, would you do me a favor
and run up and get some change from Melville's, please?
What are you doing?
Lance is definitely taller than you are.
For a while there, I thought you were taller,
but I see why I was mistaken. Your shoulders are less broad,
thus giving you the illusion of greater height.
I promised not to bring up this Adonis-like creature, didn't I?
Sorry.
Hey, don't be sorry about a little fantasy.
I'm not sorry about the fantasy I had a couple of hours ago.
By the way, how many nurses do you think
can fit in a standard-sized hot tub?
Sam, I assure you, Lance is not a fantasy.
And the feelings he inspires are very real, too.
Change.
Not for you or any man.
No, no, Diane.
Change... nickels, dimes, quarters.
Can I ask you a question here, Carla?
Who's the handsomest man you know?
Robert Redford.
No, he's a movie star.
I mean someone you really know.
Robert Redford.
You don't know Robert Redford.
Yes, I do.
How come you never mentioned it?
If you were the only woman in Boston he was messing around with,
would you tell anybody?
Okay, all right, besides Robert Redford.
I mean, somebody you see in the city.
Who's the handsomest guy you see in the city?
Dwight Evans.
No, not an athlete.
Somebody that you see every day.
My butcher.
In this bar, Carla.
Well, uh... Standing next to you,
getting very angry.
Well, that would be you, Sam.
Why do you put me through this stuff?
Put you through what?
Hey, uh, Woody, come here for a second.
Let me ask you a question.
Who's the handsomest guy you know?
Oh, that's easy. Carla's butcher.
Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - Norm!
What's the latest, Mr. Peterson?
Zsa Zsa marries a millionaire,
Peterson drinks a beer. Film at 11:00.
Hey, Normie, you're supposed to be at your interview
down at the lodge.
Oh, yeah. I've already been, Cliff.
Already... it took, what, 15 minutes?
Something like that.
Did you get to meet the High Sultan?
Good guy. He was, yeah.
Tell me. What did you say to him?
Uh, something like, "Hi, high."
That's great, Norm.
I told you to be friendly, not flippant.
Frankly this just doesn't bode at all well for you.
Cheers.
It's for you.
It's probably those guys. They said they were gonna call.
Yeah, like they called Joan of Arc
before they turned her into French toast.
Now look, look. Treat this guy with respect, all right?
Hello?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, hi, high.
Yeah. Great.
No, no apology necessary.
That's okay. Sure.
All right. Bye.
You blew it.
You got nobody to blame but yourself now.
No, Cliff ie, he just apologized for making me wait so long.
I'm a Knight.
Congratulations.
How's that for the old Clavin clone, huh?
Evening, Sam.
Hey, Frasier.
What's with your voice?
I spent the afternoon screaming at a patient.
What kind of therapy is that?
It's not therapy. He burned a hole in my carpet.
Anyway, how are you doing, Sam, old man?
You know, Frasier,
I don't like that phrase "old man" anymore.
I prefer "buddy."
How you doin' Sam, old buddy?
Look, is something bothering you?
Well, yeah.
Diane's made up some guy who's supposed to be great-looking
Just to get me riled.
I mean, I could care less about the whole thing..
Good for you, Sam.
You know, the old Sam would have rambled on and on
about how jealous he isn't, proving only that he really is.
Right. I mean, I could give a rat's rear what Diane does
Or who she does it with.
I'm certainly am not jealous about some college punk kid.
And even if I were, which I'm not...
Call me at the office.
Sammy, wanna see a sap?
Sure. Why not?
That's me, Carla.
But a great-looking sap, right?
Not bad. Why?
Not bad? He's a killer, and I can't believe
with a mug like that
you're letting Diane do a number on you.
- What are you talkin' about? - Oh, come on,
she's just trying to make you jealous.
You're sucking it up like a hoover deluxe.
No, I'm not. I mean, first of all,
I don't believe this Lance guy exists,
but if he does exist,
I don't believe he's crazy about her.
And even if he's exists and he's crazy about her,
he's gotta have a face like a fish.
Excuse me. Is Diane chambers here?
Uh, she'll be right back, Mr...
Apollonaire.
Check out what Diane thinks is great-looking, will ya?
Carla?
Is she gonna be all right?
Yeah, of course she's gonna be all right.
Yeah, I'm fine.
I just had this dream
that I saw the handsomest man.
Would you stop that!
Nice going, Sam.
I was hoping he'd give me mouth to mouth.
You still can, you know.
Diane's upstairs. She'll be right down.
Can I get you something?
How about a beer?
Oh, dear. Now, I'm sorry, I'm gonna have to ask you for an ID.
Yeah, sure.
Ha ha ha ha!
Is something funny?
Yeah. It says here you're 6'2 1/2".
So?
Ha! I'm 6'3".
Oh, Diane, your little friend's here to see you.
Lance, what are you doing here?
I brought these for you.
6'2 1/2".
Oh, thank you. They're beautiful.
They must have cost you a fortune.
Oh, no. I picked them all myself
and arranged them, too.
I was hoping they might change your mind
about going with me to Vermont.
Lance, I've already told you,
I don't think it would be a good idea
for you and me to go away together.
Will you at least think about it?
Okay.
I'll...
- I'll think about it. - Fair enough.
Talk to you on Friday.
Oh, dear.
Things are beginning to get complicated.
Lance is becoming more insistent
that I go away with him this weekend.
So, Sam, should I go or not
with this figment of my imagination?
Well, if you do, just make sure he doesn't eat first.
Children tend to get carsick.
I know I shouldn't even be considering it,
but when I look at him, I consider it.
Excuse me, but what happened to the woman who said,
"It's the inner man who counts"?
That woman just pictured Lance gathering flowers in his bikini briefs.
So did this one.
Thank you, brother Tanner,
for reading the minutes of last week's meeting.
Brother Foley, what's the next order of business?
According to the agenda, High Sultan,
we're to welcome our newest member
into the Knights of the Scimitar.
Ah, yes. Stand up, Norm Peterson, and be welcomed.
Norm, why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself.
Well, there's really nothing to say, guys.
Now, don't be modest.
No, I mean it. There's really nothing to say.
See, I was born in Chicago.
I moved to Boston and became an accountant.
Are you married?
Yeah.
To?
Long.
By the way, in case you guys need a good accountant,
I did happen to bring some of my business cards along.
Sorry, Norm. I guess you didn't get the word.
It's against the rules to do business with fellow lodge members.
You know, Cliff said...
My fault for listening.
Well, Norm. The time has now arrived...
For you to undergo the initiation ritual.
Stand, please.
Approach me.
Are you prepared?
Yeah.
Congratulations!
Just like that, huh?
That's it. Grab a hat and sword out of the bin.
My God, the pageantry!
Okay. Our next order of business...
Look, I'm sorry about that business.
I didn't know. I guess...
Great time to find out.
If it's any consolation,
these guys give great parties.
Ho ho ho, hey.
I thought this was gonna be really stupid,
but these are a good bunch of guys, I tell you.
Have I ever steered you wrong?
Yeah. That's why I thought it was gonna be stupid.
Too bad about the business stuff,
but I feel pretty comfortable with these guys.
Thank you for sponsoring me, buddy.
Can't wait for some of these parties.
Oh, before I forget,
the referendum that we ban beer at all lodge functions has been passed.
Good-bye!
So, what time's Peewee coming in?
If you're referring to Lance,
I'm expecting him shortly...
Soon.
And I don't appreciate these constant attempts
to denigrate him.
Let me ask you a question.
What do you see in him?
You mean besides a young, brainy,
stunningly gorgeous man
with many interests similar to mine,
who's fawning over me and giving me all the attention I could ever ask for?
Yeah.
I see...
What I used to see in you
before you decided to spend the last few months
flogging me with your apathy.
I'm sorry, Diane, but that's all I had handy.
Hi, Diane.
Have you made a decision?
Have I, Sam?
Send me a postcard.
I don't think I can go
because it would upset someone too much.
Diane, go with someone's blessings.
Excuse me.
May I speak with you for a moment?
Hop up on a stool there, Lance.
Carla, why don't you pour him a beer.
I know you're still smarting
from my turning down your proposal of marriage,
but how long can you drag this out?
You're hurting me but you're also hurting yourself
with this feigned indifference.
Well, while we're talking about hurting people,
how do you think Lance is gonna feel
when he finds out you're using him to get to me?
I am not using him.
I like him.
He treats me wonderfully.
And I don't, so go with him.
Mr. Malone, I'm about to call your bluff.
I'm going to go with him,
and I'm going to have a great time,
and it will leave you a hollow, broken man.
All right.
All Right. Just watch while I give you a little preview
of our weekend together.
I'm going to kiss him in front of you and the whole bar,
and it's going to kill you.
Lance.
This is for the flowers.
Now, Mr. indifference,
you're going to tell me that doesn't bother you?
Well, I have to admit,
for a while there, my life passed before my eyes,
but the funny thing is you weren't in it.
Right.
Lance, let's go.
Diane!
Yes, Sam.
It would've bothered me if he had done this.
Yes, I can see where that
might have given you cause for concern.
So, Diane, are you about ready to go?
Uh... Lance.
Thank you.
Lance, I just remembered
I have to work this weekend.
That's okay. I understand.
Good-bye.
Good-bye, Lance.
Well, kid, you blew it.
You know what would've really bothered Sam?
It would be if you had kissed her like this.
Carla, you're not involved in this.
I am now.