Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
All right, fellas, do me a favor. You guys have had a few drinks.
Sit down. Let me buy you some coffee.
Thanks anyway, Sam. everything's under control.
Pete hasn't had a thing to drink all night.
He's our designated driver.
Well, I'm glad to hear it. that's a good idea, Pete.
I'm not the designated driver.
I thought you were.
No. I'm not the designated driver.
What about you, Mark?
I'm with Sam. I think we ought to try it sometime.
Wait right here. I'm gonna call you a cab.
Speaking of driving someone home,
since you've been drinking, I'd be happy to give you a lift.
Thanks, but all I've been drinking is soda water.
Well, in that case, Woody, make me a double martini.
One of us is getting driven home tonight.
Good afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - Norm!
How are you today, Mr. Peterson?
Never been better, Woody.
Just once I'd like to be better.
What's the matter there, Normie?
You look a little down in the mouth.
Cliff, there's something Missing from my life I think.
I mean, sure, I've got the nice wife,
a career, a house, but...
I guess I'm talking about that spiritual something
to kind of give it all meaning, you know?
Enable me to be at peace with myself and the world.
The Miss Teeny Bikini beauty pageant is on tonight.
That ought to do it.
Oh, isn't it a glorious day?
Well, it sure is, Miss Chambers,
especially if you like it cloudy and damp.
Woody, I'm not talking about superficial things
like the weather.
I'm talking about the day.
Today is going to be the most special day of my life.
Do you believe in intuition?
No, but I have this strange feeling someday I will.
- Hi, guys. - Hey, Sammy.
What's the matter?
You've got a weird look on your face.
I don't know if I should tell you.
Well, let me help you out. Don't.
Well, Sam, this morning I woke up
with the most overwhelming feeling
that you would propose to me today.
Whew! Talk about fate. Talk about coincidence.
You have the same feeling?
No, I just wish you'd talk about fate or coincidence.
Anything but marriage.
I'm not going to propose to you, Diane.
I know this sounds crazy.
It's not like me to be given to mystical nonsense,
but the feeling is so strong.
It's an absolute certainty.
Well, if it's fate, it's fate.
Diane, will you do me the honor
of becoming my w-w-waitress?
Pretty good, huh?
Give me a Cutty, rocks.
Did you hear that?
Diane said she woke up with this feeling that I'm going to propose to her.
Stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Don't ever make fun of a woman
when she says she has a feeling about something.
Sammy, you're tampering with the psychic world here,
and you're going to be sorry.
Oh, come on.
No, no. I'm serious.
It has to do with a woman's cycle.
See, somehow it's plugged into the supernatural.
No. You're being ridiculous.
No, Sam, please, please.
Just promise me you'll be careful.
Okay, I'll be careful.
Thank you.
Oh, oh, my God.
What?
- What? What? - Something's happening to me here.
Carla, get Diane over here.
I'm going to ask her to marry me... buddy Norm.
That's twice, man.
Hey there, Sammy. today's my big day.
Right, Tom. will you marry me?
The results of the last bar exam are due out,
and I'm feeling lucky.
You know what they say, 11th time's a charm.
Ok, okay, I had a few problems in the past,
but this time I really nailed it.
Tell me, Tom, is the 7-11 still giving out
a free Big Gulp with every law degree?
Tom, how come you're not downtown waiting for the results?
I got a friend calling me here when they're posted.
But I've got a hunch I did pretty well this time.
Yeah, like General Custer had a hunch
that the Little Bighorn was a gift shop and picnic grounds.
Hey, lay off. The guy's worked hard.
Woody, how about a beer for our future barrister here, okay?
Thank you, Norm.
So what kind of law are you gonna specialize in there, Tom?
Specialize?
So a free Big Gulp, you say?
Sam, it doesn't have to be a formal proposal.
Excuse me?
We've already gone the traditional route,
and I know how you loathe long sentences.
I know you think I'm gonna propose to you,
but trust me, it's not gonna happen.
Before I ask you to marry me, Diane,
there'll be snowflakes in hell, pigs will fly,
Norm will hate beer--
Hey, everybody, I'm an attorney!
Nah...
Thank you, Barbara G. Bridelton, Miss Teeny Bikini, South Dakota.
Well, that's it. I think Miss Arkansas has got it hands down.
In your hat, Miss Arkansas.
Miss Nebraska's the class of this field.
Oh, yeah, Miss Nebraska, I was particularly impressed
by her life's ambition to work for world peace
and open an aerobics dance studio.
Now, wait a minute. Look at this one.
Yeah, not that often you see an impression
of Edward G. Robinson while twirling a baton.
Hey, Woody, Miss Indiana.
Yeah, but Boston's my home now.
Anytime you're ready, Sam.
Gee, I'd love to propose to you, Diane,
but I'm tied up kind of for the rest of my life.
Deep down inside,
you know this is going to happen.
You're going to propose to me.
You say that every day.
But I don't say this every day...
it's today.
That is one scary woman.
Sammy, come on, it's late.
Time to go home. It's my turn to lock up.
Besides, you look tired. You need your rest.
You might do something stupid
that you'll regret for the rest of your life.
Would you relax, please? Do I look like a guy
who's about to do something stupid?
Always.
That's not the point, Sam.
Leave me alone, will you?
Guys, I'm going to lock up now.
All right, Sammy, we can watch the rest of this meat show
over at Normie's house.
No. Vera won't let me watch those beauty contests, Cliff ie.
Yeah? How come?
She says they're degrading to women,
and they make me randy as a jack rabbit.
Woody, you go on home. I'll finish up here.
I want to be alone with Sam.
Run, Sam, run.
Diane, don't you think...
On second thought, guys, why don't you take off?
I'd like to have a little private moment here with Diane.
That's it. It is all over.
I don't have the strength to fight anymore.
All chance of victory is gone.
The only thing for me now is to go home...
pick up the pieces of my shattered life,
and try to go on.
Good night, Miss Chambers. And good luck.
Thanks, Woody, but since Sam and I are destined to be married,
luck is the one thing we don't need.
Oh. Well, how about a salad bowl?
Yes, that would be nice.
Great. It'll save me some shopping.
Good night, Woody.
♪ Good night, Sammy ♪
Good night, Woody.
Well, Sam, you clever boy.
Since you've arranged for us to be alone,
I'm all ears.
But you better hurry. Almost midnight.
I wanted to talk to you alone
'cause I didn't want to embarrass you in front of the other people.
Sit down, will you, please?
Look, Diane...
I want you to stop this nonsense
about me proposing to you,
about us being married,
about us getting... about us, period.
I've had it. That's it I don't want to hear any more.
Yes, Sam. Fine, fine, But you really should get at it, okay?
Would you stop it, please? You're making me nuts!
This is exactly what I'm talking about!
You know, it was fun for a while, like a little game,
but it's not cute anymore. It's serious, Diane.
You know, I was really ticked off at first
when you turned me down,
but now I see how smart you were.
I am never going to ask you to marry me again.
Can I be any more clear than this?
I'm never going to ask you to marry me again.
Oh, no. Oh, no. Come on.
No, no, no. Stop that.
Listen, you know how much I hate it when you cry.
But I know you know, so it's not gonna work. Forget it.
It really hadn't occurred to me.
But I guess it's actually a possibility.
I'm not listening.
Maybe you don't love me.
God in heaven, it's not possible!
Nothing. That's it. It's not affecting me at all. I'm immune to this stuff.
Yeah, you're not gonna soften me up. No way. That's it.
It's not gonna make me feel sorry for you.
In fact, I'll tell you what it's gonna make me do.
You want to know what it's gonna make me do?
I'll tell you what it's gonna make me do.
It's gonna to make me propose to you is what it's gonna do.
Come on. Don't cry.
Oh, Diane, will you marry me?
No, Sam.
"The lord is my shepherd. I shall not want.
In verdant pastures, he gives me repose.
Beside restful waters, he leads me.
He refreshes my soul."
Warden, have you heard from the governor yet?
I'm sorry, Sam.
"He maketh me
lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me in the paths of right--"
Father, do you really believe in the afterlife?
Yes, my son, I do.
Well, good. Maybe I can find her there
and get her again.
What's wrong?
I just had a flash that I got the electric chair for killing you.
Well, that's silly.
Massachusetts doesn't have the death penalty.
What?
Nothing. Nothing at all.
No death penalty, huh?
No, not at present,
but I'm sure they're going to reinstate it.
In fact, I'm on my way
to campaign for it at this very moment.
Excuse me.
Hey, everybody. You're not gonna believe this.
You passed the bar. I'll believe anything.
Yeah? Well, Sam's in jail, smarty-pants.
- What? - Yeah.
Yeah, Diane had him arrested for assault and battery.
My hero.
Is Diane all right?
I think she's fine. I just don't have all the details.
How do you know all this stuff?
Sam called me to retain my services.
To do what, prune his trees?
Has he been arraigned yet?
No, 2 o'clock.
Well, maybe we ought to go down to the courthouse
in case Sammy needs character witnesses.
No. They do that until the trial, Carla.
What sort of defense do you plan on using?
I'm thinking about pleading insanity.
That's a good idea.
What about Sammy?
Bail's set at $2,500. Next case.
Your honor, I swear I never touched her.
Take a seat.
Case number 15786.
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Sam Malone.
The defendant is charged with willful assault...
Oh, what is this? I swear I never laid a hand on her, Your Honor.
Mr. Malone.
- I'm sorry, Your Honor. - Just take a seat, Miss...
Chambers. Thank you.
The defendant is charged with willful assault and battery
against the person of one Diane Chambers.
How does the defendant plead?
Not guilty.
Motions, gentlemen.
Your Honor, due to the violent circumstances of this crime
and in order to protect the victim from a reoccurrence of the events of the evening last,
the state recommends that bail be set at an amount
commensurate with the serious nature of this offense.
- Motion denied. - Hey, I'm the one that's supposed to say that.
Right, right. Sorry, Your Honor.
It's my first case.
You're kidding.
Your Honor, my client has no prior convictions or arrests.
Well known businessman and respected member of this community.
I therefore move that bail be waived and he be released on his own recognizance.
I don't think Mr. Malone poses any general threat to the community. So moved.
All right!
Sorry, Your Honor.
Trial is set for two months from this date, 10 a.m.
All right, everybody, it's been a long day.
This court will reconvene tomorrow morning.
Your Honor?
Yes, Miss, uh... Chambers.
Would it be all right if I said something at this time?
I don't think that's really necessary.
I think it might help to expedite matters.
Well, if you must, but please be brief.
Oh, jeez.
Your Honor, I just want you to know...
Should I come up there?
Why not?
Your Honor, I just want you to know that I understand why the accused,
and by the way, the man I intend to marry,
was... was upset last night.
After all, I did just turn down his proposal of marriage.
I see but, if you intend to marry him, why did you say no to his proposal?
It's a long story.
Make it a short one, and maybe we can save the good people of Massachusetts
the cost of a trial.
Well, let's see. The accused and I have been going together on and off
for about four years.
I guess you could describe our relationship as a bit stormy.
That's also part of its excitement.
Earlier this year, the accused proposed to me.
I said no because I thought he was on the rebound from another relationship.
I was wrong, so I changed my mind.
But he wouldn't propose to me again, the little dickens.
Until last night, that is.
But this time, I fear he was only asking me to marry him
because I was crying and upset.
Albeit unintentional, it was emotional blackmail on my part.
I couldn't say yes under those circumstances.
You do understand, don't you, Your Honor?
I'm sorry. I was just trying to imagine the long version of the story.
Although... gallant. His proposal couldn't have been sincere.
- The accused was merely responding-- - Hey, will you say my name?
It's Sam. My name is Sam. Make her say my name, will you please?
Calm down, Mr. Malone.
Go on, Miss Chambers.
The next thing I know, the accu... Sam... is chasing me down the street,
for six blocks to be exact, until I tripped and fell,
thus sustaining my injuries,
a bruised thigh and a wrenched neck.
Did he hit you or push you in any way?
Well, no, not exactly.
Look, Miss Chambers, it doesn't appear
that Mr. Malone is directly responsible for your injuries.
Now, is there any way I could persuade you
to drop the charges against him?
I have a solution, if it pleases the court.
If you can get us out of this. It absolutely thrills the court.
What if my client proposes to her again?
Yes, I could--
Are you crazy?
I like the idea.
Does the state have any objections to his proposing?
None, Your Honor.
How about it, Miss Chambers? This all right with you?
I suppose it would be all right,
if it were a sincere proposal.
Well, I guess it's your move, Mr. Malone.
You mean I have to propose to her to keep from going to jail,
where I wouldn't be going in the first place
if she'd said yes to any one of my 3 proposals?
That's a very ironic way of putting it.
Now, which is it going to be, a wedding or a trial?
How long would I have to be in jail?
Diane, will you marry me?
That didn't sound very sincere.
I ask the court, did that sound sincere?
No, it didn't.
Try again.
You have no idea what you're sentencing me to.
Mr. Malone, come up here, and let's get this over with.
Diane...
Will you marry me?
Okay.
Case dismissed.
Congratulations.
All rise.
What do you know? I got you off.
Thank you, Tom.
All in a day's work, Sammy, my boy.
You're looking at Thomas Babson, Esquire.
Undefeated.
Oh, Tom,
if you've got any time next week, my trees need pruning.
How about Saturday?
Fine, fine.
Well, I guess I don't need this for a while.
Sam... I'm sorry.
I guess I got a little carried away.
I wanted to... expose our relationship to the scrutiny of the court.
God knows I've tried to figure it out.
I'm at a complete loss.
It makes perfect sense to me.
You want me to propose to you,
I propose to you.
You say no.
I say, "Fine, I never want to see you again."
You drive me nuts telling me you want me to propose again.
I do. You turn me down.
Next thing I know, I'm in court of law
where I've got to propose to you or I'll go to jail.
It's the classic American love story.
That's pretty absurd.
Well, don't worry, I'm not going to hold you to that proposal.
I know it was made under duress.
Bye, Sam.
Where are you going?
You know, you're not going to get off that easy.
You're going to pay for what you put me through.
What do you mean?
I proposed to you. You said yes.
Now, they can stop me from killing you,
but they can't stop me from marrying you.
Oh, Sam!