Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Are you going to make a move in our lifetime?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, come on, Norm, why don't you just give up. You're finished.
Oh, not necessarily.
He could move this piece over to here.
My God, Woody, that's brilliant.
You're suggesting that after two futile interpositions,
he attempt to force unobstructed access to the eighth rank.
No, I'm saying he should take your horsie
with his little pointy-headed thing.
No, not that one.
Too late. Checkmate!
Good game, Norm.
Okay, next victim.
What's with this obsession with chess here?
It's just a hobby, Sam. You know, relieve the tension.
I got a better way to relieve tension.
Her name's Tawney. You want her number?
No, thanks, Sam.
I prefer something with a little mental stimulation as well.
So read to her first.
No, thanks. I'll stick to chess.
You know, that and fencing were my two outlets during college.
Oh, boy, fencing.
I haven't had the old épée out in years.
Boy, that'd make me pretty tense, too.
Mind if I play, Dr. Crane?
Not at all, Woody. I've thrashed everybody else in the bar.
You may as well be allowed your chance at ignominious defeat.
Well, thank you, Dr. Crane.
Hi, Sam.
Hi. Are you all right, Loretta?
I'm fine. And you?
Oh, I'm fine.
That's nice to hear.
Is Carla working tonight?
Yeah. She's right over there.
Thank you, Sam. It's been nice talking with you.
Excuse me, Carla, but I caught Nick cheating on me,
and I've decided to leave him.
So you finally found out my ex-husband is a jerk?
Well, I told you that before you married the bum.
I've done my part.
Carla.
Don't ignore her in her time of need.
Can't you tell when a woman is dying?
Sure. When the roots start showing, like that.
- Want a drink? - A diet cola would be wonderful.
Okay.
Look, kid, I'm sorry this happened to you.
Oh, thank you, Carla. Thank you.
I'm moved beyond recognition.
How long did it take you to mend your broken heart?
I'll let you know when it happens.
Loretta,
would you like to talk about it?
Not really.
To come home and find out
that a loved one has been unfaithful
is a terrible blow.
The best therapy is to tell how you feel about it.
I'm against it.
All right, Diane, you've got your catharsis,
now leave the girl alone.
Well, at least I'm trying to help.
You're merely trying to figure out
why your king's about to be mated.
Oh, my God.
Woody, you must be an idiot savant.
Yeah, but I cover it by smiling a lot.
Come on, Loretta. Don't hold it inside.
Well, Nick, who is my husband,
has been seeing another woman.
I just realized it today when I found blond hairs on Nick's shirt.
- Loretta, you're a blonde. - Sure. Take his side.
Would you excuse us, please?
Look, it's closing time.
Loretta needs someone to confide in right now.
Sam, why don't you go on home
and we ladies will take care of her.
What is this "we" bit?
I feel very strongly that it's our duty as women
to be there for another woman when she wants to talk.
Just as I feel strongly that it's my duty as a man
to be there for a woman when she doesn't want to talk.
Same kind of thing.
We'll miss that kind of poignancy, Sam.
What do you say, we do it?
Oh, all right. But only because no living thing
should be subjected to a night alone with you.
That's the spirit.
- Let's wrap it up, guys. - Oh. All right, Sam.
We can finish this up tomorrow, Woody.
Who's winning now, Dr. Crane?
Oh, what does it matter who's winning?
We'll just start up fresh tomorrow, okay?
All right.
Oh, Carla, I still love him.
Nothing you can do.
We're talking about Nick Tortelli.
He wants you, you got no choice.
This is the part I don't get.
Here's a man that quicksand would spit up...
...and yet he has this strange Svengali-like power over you.
Oh, yes. From the moment I first saw him,
I knew I'd follow him to the ends of the earth.
Where he's obviously spent a lot of time.
You know, there's something about him.
He knows women, like a jeweler knows jewels,
like a meat-cutter knows meat.
Like a marine biologist knows marines.
Knowing me as well as I do,
I'll probably end up crawling right back to him.
Yeah, and he'll be there waiting with that cute look on his face
and those three little words,
"She's my cousin!"
You're not crawling back to him.
We're gonna fight this together. You don't need that reptile.
You can take care of yourself.
But what'll I do?
Well, you must be good at something.
Well... I'm great at singing.
Okay.
In fact, before I married Nick,
I was on my way to becoming a taller, blonder,
less Mormon Marie Osmond.
Loretta, if Nick's going to treat you this way,
you can't let him come between you and your career.
You're right. I've got to sing again.
Do you think Sam would let me sing here?
Let me take care of it. I can talk him into anything.
No, Diane, I told you, absolutely not.
I wish you'd reconsider. Loretta needs a job.
And you've never had a singer before.
Oh, I've had a singer.
You probably mean...
Yes, in the bar.
- Right. - It might be good for business.
Yeah...
I don't need a singer.
Can you waitress?
No, but I can do a salute to waitresses in my act.
It's only temporary until she can get back on her feet.
Okay, all right. Okay.
I ran across an interesting fact the other day.
You know if I took a ride in a spaceship
at the speed of light for ten years,
when I returned, I'd be ten years older,
but everybody else here would be 80 years older.
Now, do you realize the ramifications of that?
Yeah, for once you'd be the best player on our softball team.
I just can't discuss science with you.
Cliff, give me a break. Hey!
- Carla. - Nick.
Long time no see.
You do something to your hair?
- No. - Think about it.
Nick,
be a cannibal, eat a rat.
The magic is still there, Carla.
Whatever happened between us?
You lied, you cheated, you neglected the kids,
you never came home, and you drank too much.
Nah. It had to be more than that.
Say the word, blondie, and we can happen.
I'd rather be the love toy of a Greek army battalion.
Who wouldn't?
But dreaming gets you nowhere.
- Nicky! - Loretta.
I've decided to forgive you
for bursting in on me and Miss Romero in the shower.
I'm sorry, Nicky.
You oughta be. It was very embarrassing.
- Let's go home. - Okay.
Be strong.
I mean... no.
That sounded negative to me.
I'm here for you.
I'm not going home with you. I'm leaving you, Nick.
Get in the car, sugar lump. Don't make me mad, now.
Hey, Nick, why don't you leave her alone?
Sam, she's coming home with me.
In case you've forgotten, she is my betrothed.
She doesn't want to go back to him. Please, help her.
Nick, come on. Beat it.
She doesn't want to be around you now.
Sam, buddy, it's not a good thing for them to see us fighting here.
These people, they look up to us.
We're role models.
Then don't make me ask again.
Okay, I'm not looking for trouble.
But mark my words,
I'm coming back for my woman.
Oh, Sam, you stood up for me.
Nobody's ever done that for me before.
- Sam, I'm aghast. - What?
You of all people.
Have you no respect for our blessed union?
Oh, come on, Nick. There's nothing going on here.
I'm not interested in Loretta.
I got one thing to say to you, Sam,
two can play the same game.
You took my woman...
I'm going to take yours.
Me? You're taking me?
The only thing you should be taking is penicillin.
This is great. Nick's gonna cast a love spell
on Miss Goody-Two-Shoes and I get to watch.
Actually, I'm not gonna make my romantic approach tonight.
It's getting too late for that.
Ah, yes. Goodness, look at the time.
Time...
Time to lay back.
Time...
...to forget your inhibitions.
This is diabolical.
From this day forward,
there will be nobody for you but me.
You will fall hopelessly in love
and follow me to the ends of the earth.
Oh, yeah. And bring a six-pack.
God, the man is insane to think
that anyone would be gullible enough
to fall for that idiotic nonsense.
Thank you. You've been a wonderful audience.
- Expecting someone, Diane? - No, not really.
Sure you are.
He's out there somewhere...
...waiting.
I've heard so much about Nick Tortelli's magic,
but it's been a week and I haven't seen any evidence of it.
Well, don't you see what he's doing?
It's all part of his plan.
You know, like when the drums stop in a jungle movie?
You sit and wonder,
what are the natives doing?
And then you start to sweat.
He's a genius.
Woody, I refuse to continue playing
if every time you take one of my pieces you go...
Sorry, Dr. Crane. I thought it added
a little bit of excitement to the game.
Well, it doesn't!
Okay, Woody.
You know, I think it's time we took off the gloves.
I've allowed you to defeat me several times
because I was going easy on you
so as not to crush your natural enthusiasm.
But I think it's time you took a giant step toward maturity.
There are a great many lessons to be learned in defeat.
Chief among them is how to lose gracefully.
Checkmate.
You missed my king!
Dr. Crane!
- Good night, Loretta. - Good night. Thanks, Sam.
Never again does she sing in this bar.
Yes, dear.
You know, Sammy, I know you kind of like Diane.
But you're going to have to face it.
She's his now.
Oh, come on, will you stop it.
Nick and Diane,
they don't even belong on the same planet.
The guy doesn't have any table manners.
I mean, he thinks he's God's gift to women.
When was the last time he even picked up a book?
How's that different from you, Sam?
All right, well, there's a big difference.
There's a big difference between thinking you're God's gift
and knowing it.
You know, Sammy, I think Nick is getting to you.
Why? You think I'm worried about this? You kidding?
Well, look at this. You added these receipts all wrong.
I did not.
Then you're saying we took in $32 million tonight?
Well, there was that party of ten in the corner table.
Yeah. I'm gonna go add these on the machine, okay?
Maybe you better.
Diane, I'm gonna go home now
and watch the last half of the Celtics game,
- all right? - Okay, Sam.
- See you in the morning. - Okay. I'll be dreaming of you.
I'll be dreaming of me, too.
Closing!
Good evening, Miss Chambers.
Nick.
You'd better be here
to tell me that you've given up your quest to win my favor.
Please, Miss Chambers.
This is for you
and you alone, my sweet.
God, you've gotta be kidding.
In matters of a more, Nick Tortelli never kids.
Sit.
- I am not a dog. - Of course you're not.
Do you think I'd spend this kind of dough on an ugh-o?
Now, come on.
We have a night of magic ahead of us.
Let us commence.
Nick, there will be no dinner,
no magic, no us.
You and I have to talk.
Now, please. Sit down.
Okay.
Nick.
Will you give up on me.
You and I are an impossibility.
The only thing you instill in me is the desire to flee...
And then to be defleaed.
I'm sensing
that we're not gonna hit the sheets together.
That is correct.
Save it.
Why are you wasting your time on this?
Loretta's the woman for you.
She's spending all of her time with Sam.
Women can't get their eyes off of that guy.
I guess in his own way he's good-looking.
Well, Nick, you're every bit as...
...mistaken as you can be.
Sam and Loretta are not an item.
Sam is mine,
so why don't you do something decent for once
and go back and make your marriage work.
Get up! Get up!
What's going on here?
Surprise!
I just came because I forgot my charts.
- Is this all for me? - Of course it's for you.
It's my attempt to win you back into my heart.
- Am I right, Miss Chambers? - Oh, yes.
He's really a sweet guy, isn't he, Loretta?
He sure is.
Yeah. if he weren't already taken, I'd snap him up for myself.
Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone.
I'm just going in the back to freshen up.
I'll be out of here in just a few minutes.
I really like that Debbie.
Loretta,
if I have caused you any heartache,
I want to say I'm sorry,
but I really do love you, and I know you love me.
And it's crazy for us not to be together.
You're the only woman on earth for me.
How come the cake says "Nick and Diane"?
Excuse me?
How come the cake says "Nick and Diane"?
You know what a lousy speller I am.
Right.
But wait.
That's pretty bad.
This wasn't for me after all, was it?
This was for some girl named Diane!
All right, all right.
It's no use. We're through forever.
If you ever need a singer, I'm available for any gig.
Cut it.
Nick.
Carla.
What's all this?
This is for you, my sweet.
- All this is for me? - Yeah.
If this is not an attempt at reconciliation,
I don't know what is.
This is.
You don't believe me?
Whose lipstick is on the glass?
What?
I'm gonna have the caterer flogged.
Good night, Nick.
I hope you guys got your money up front.
Nick?
Diane.
Diane, look how fate once again
has brought us together this evening.
Excuse me if I don't get up for you.
Where's Loretta?
I don't know. She got up and ran out on me.
Apparently she didn't like the cake.
Nick, do yourself a favor.
Get up out of that chair,
march out that door...
Do you mind?
March out that door,
find your wife, take her in your arms,
sweep her up off her feet and tell her
that if our hearts cannot be as one for all eternity,
life will have lost all meaning.
Okay, I'll do that.
That's it, boys. You're off the clock.
Find your own ways home.
Loretta!
Did I miss something here?
Men.
They're so stupid.
What are you doing here?
Well, I thought it was more important
for me to be here with you
than watching some silly old basketball game.
- Your TV's broken? - Yeah.
This whole thing is so sad. Really, very sad.
It's all right. It's under warranty. It'll be okay.
No. I'm talking about life.
How a good woman can make all the difference in the world
and yet men are constantly letting them slip away.
I hope you don't let that happen to you...
...and a certain flaxen-haired beauty in your life.
Don't worry.
I won't.