Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Don't work too hard there, Diane.
I don't mind.
Our wedding day draws ever near,
and all this conditioning is simply preparation
for that special moment
when you and I exchange rings.
My hands must be pristine,
because everyone's eyes will be on my fingers.
And everyone's fingers will be down their throats.
Oh, Carla.
Sweet, pathetic Carla.
Can't you see that I'm in far too good a mood
to let your petty asides bother me?
I'm afraid you'll just have to find some other way of bugging me.
If you insist.
Yes, thank you for telling me.
If you don't hear from me in an hour, I'll be there.
Okay. Thank you.
Sam, may I speak to you for a minute?
It would be a new record if you do.
That was a Buddhist monastery called "The Glade."
I've been hoping to go on retreat there, and guess what?
- They have a vacancy. - Great.
I heard all the monks went to Ft. Lauderdale this year.
No, Sam, it's not a resort.
It's a contemplative retreat
where people go as a means of purifying their souls.
For two weeks, you're isolated from others
to commune with yourself.
You're provided with a small room,
you're fed pure, toxin-free foods.
Wait, wait, and...
...they have the biggest Buddha east of the Mississippi.
Boy, he is a bruiser, isn't he?
Well, it's not exactly Vegas, but all right, I'll give it a try.
What should I bring?
No, Sam. I'm going alone.
Only in my solitude can I discover who we are.
Wait a minute here.
This isn't one of those weird cults where they mess with your head
and you end up handing out flowers at the airport?
You will be coming back, won't you?
No, I won't be coming back, but I will.
I guess I just made up a little Zen koan, didn't I?
Let me explain.
A koan is a paradox upon which one meditates
in order to become more enlightened.
For example, what was your face before your parents were born?
Easy. A "10."
This is kind of fun. You got any more?
Well, I'm off to The Glade.
It is all right, isn't it?
Yeah. What the heck. Why not? Sure. Go ahead.
- Good-bye, my love. - Bye-bye.
Steal me an ashtray.
Is Diane taking the day off again?
- No. - Good.
She's taking two weeks off.
No, Sammy, that's not fair! Come on!
She's always taking off for one stupid reason or another.
Can't we just kill her?
She's my fiancée, Carla.
- Is that a yes? - No.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Cliff ie.
What's with your leg?
I'd rather not talk about it.
Got bitten by a dog. Ten stitches to close the wound.
I tell you, these unleashed animals are a menace to postal workers.
- You're gonna sue, aren't you? - I may be wrong, Carla,
but I don't think you can sue members of the animal kingdom.
I'm talking about the owners, Nelly Bell.
There's no need to sue.
I left a strongly-worded note in their mailbox.
That's too bad, Cliff. I know a lawyer who'd take it on a contingency basis.
It wouldn't cost you a dime, and you might end up with a sizable settlement.
If it gets you off my back, all right.
Cheers.
Yeah, just a minute, please.
Mr. Clavin, for you.
Take a message. I'll call 'em back, Woody.
Yeah, can he get back to you?
Yes, ma'am. She wants to know how your leg is.
The mutt's owner tracked me down.
Well, tell her that she can deep-six that phony concern of hers.
It doesn't cut it with me.
You can deep-six your phony concern.
It doesn't cut it with him.
Tell her my leg and I will see her in court.
His leg and him will see you in court.
Okay, I'll tell him.
Your mom wants you to be home by 6:00 for dinner.
Woody, why didn't you tell me it was my mother?
- I just did. - No. I mean before.
I didn't know it was her until I picked up the phone.
No, Woody...
When you were talking to her, why didn't you say it was her?
She already knew that.
I'd leave it alone, Cliff.
I think it's one of those Zen koan things.
Buena sera, mi amigos.
Hey, Cliff ie, how's your leg?
Stiffening up there, Sammy.
The muscle's all cramped, and I think the wound's getting a little infected.
And the mental anguish that goes along with this.
You just can't put a price on this.
Well, let me guess here, you've seen an attorney.
Yep.
The guy said 97% of all these canine attack cases?
Decided in favor of the postman.
Well, good for you, Cliff.
You deserve to get a little satisfaction out of this.
- About 200,000 clams worth. - Two hundred thousand--
Dollars. Dinner is on Cliff, all right.
What do you say, buddy? I go upstairs, snag us a table,
check out the specials. I'll be right back.
Maybe I can sue somebody about my broken thumb.
I mean, after all, I did slip on the ice.
Well, maybe so. Where did it happen?
- Right outside the bar here. - No. You don't have a case.
Hey, Cliff.
Have you ever thought that you might be suing
some poor, sweet little old lady?
Hey, listen, there, sharpie, who she is, is irrelevant.
It's the letter of the law that's been violated here.
And I just can't wait to get her into court
and tear her to pieces with my verbal gymnastics.
I'm looking for a Mr. Cliff Clavin.
Yep.
You left this note in my mailbox.
I'm afraid it was my dog that bit you.
Excuse me.
Cliff ie, what are you trying to say?
Yes, she is very attractive.
Mr. Clavin, I'm terribly sorry about what happened.
How is your leg?
Cliff ie, we're in luck. The special is fillet...
Great. In stereo.
Guys, guys, guys.
Sit down, sit down.
Come on, come on.
Can I offer you a drink, Miss...
Keith. Madeline Keith.
White wine would be lovely. Thank you.
Coming right up.
Look. I don't have very much money,
but I'd like to help with the doctor bills.
That's good.
Anything to ease the burden on you and your family.
You're not married.
I mean, I'm not married.
But I could be if I wanted to, right Sam?
Sure.
I can't imagine a man like you living alone.
I don't live alone.
I live with my mother.
You know, it's not that I have to. We're related.
Don't get me wrong. I mean, I like her.
No, I think it's wonderful
that you're taking care of your mother in her old age.
I couldn't throw her out in the street, I guess.
I mean, who'd make my lunch?
Mr. Clavin.
You know, it's too bad we didn't meet
under different circumstances.
We could have been friends.
Yeah.
I guess that is too bad.
Look.
Here is my number.
If you need anything... call me.
Maybe it's just me, but I think that woman's kind of pretty.
Really? I... hadn't noticed.
Too busy thinking about the lawsuit?
Lawsuit?
Jake "The Snake" is body-slammed to the mat.
He's pinned by Hulk Hogan.
One, two, three... The Hulk wins it.
Man, that Hulk Hogan is amazing, isn't he?
Woody, the thing is fixed.
Well, that's too bad. Hulk Hogan can't have children.
It's evolution's loss.
- Hey, everybody. - Cliff ie, who died?
The old Cliff Clavin, that's who, Normie.
- Nice threads. - Thank you, Sammy.
Can I have a little drink there, Woody?
May enough time before Madeline and I go out to dinner this evening.
Wait a minute. Are you still seeing each other?
Every day this week, buddy.
Things are getting pretty hot.
Sammy, our relationship is not based merely on the physical.
He isn't getting any.
I better go check up on our reservations.
Cliff, I hate to bring up an ugly subject, but--
That's okay, Sam, we're already in the area.
Are you still planning to go through with the lawsuit?
You know how slowly the wheels of justice grind there, Samuel.
Guess what sap is being suckered into dropping a lawsuit.
Well, not necessarily now, all right.
Let's just take a look at all these facts
as complicated as they may be,
and see if we can come to a conclusion about this.
Okay, let's start with this gorgeous woman
who is interested in Cliff, all right?
I don't think we have to go any further than that.
Now, just a second. I don't think we're really being fair.
Now, let's say if an ugly woman were interested in Cliff,
would any of us be suspicious?
If a living woman were interested in Cliff I'd be suspicious.
I got to go along with Dr. Crane on this.
I can't believe that someone would actually lie
just to save a lot of money.
Woody, don't help me, okay?
Listen, somebody has got to tell Cliff the truth.
I guarantee that he'll never talk to the person who does.
Okay, you talked me into it.
Hey, Hopalong.
Come here. I want to talk to you.
I don't know how to tell you this.
Wait a minute, yes, I do.
You're an idiot.
Everybody in the bar thinks that babe is playing you for a fool.
I mean, the second you drop your lawsuit, you're history.
- You are a sap. - I know.
But I'm having the time of my life.
You know, how often am I sapped with a beautiful woman?
I mean, I usually am a sap with the bowsers.
But when Madeline and I walk into a restaurant,
all the guys' heads, they turn.
And they're not saying, "Hey...
There's a beautiful woman over there with a sap."
Yes, they are.
Look, all I know is as long as we're together,
there's a good chance she may grant me the ultimate favor.
Yeah, right, Clavin.
You're threatening to sue her, not kill her.
Madeline...
You look ravishing as ever.
Thank you, Cliff. I thought you would like it.
Like it? if I had better legs, I'd get one for myself.
Cliff, you're adorable.
We'd better get going. We have reservations, yeah?
Before we go, I think we need to sit down and have a talk.
Is something wrong?
Actually, yes.
What is it, Madeline?
Well...
this lawsuit has been preying on my mind,
and my attorney gave me this.
It's a waiver form.
It releases me from all liability for the dog bite.
I guess you want me to sign it?
I want you to tear it up.
- I don't understand-- - Please, just tear it up.
When this first began...
I thought I could get you to drop the lawsuit
if I was nice to you.
But then the funniest thing happened.
I grew to like you... a lot.
But I'll understand if you hate me for what I was going to do.
I was playing with your emotions when you've been so honest with me.
I forgive you, Madeline.
No, you're a decent guy, Cliff. Maybe I just better go.
Madeline, wait. Look, I've-- I've...
Anything you did doesn't make a difference to me.
You're not just saying that to make me feel better?
No, I swear it. Scout's honor.
Oh, Cliff.
Doesn't it feel good to clear the air?
Yeah, it does.
Look, why don't we forget about the dinner
and rent a room somewhere and just celebrate our socks off.
Really?
Well, the Ritz is just around the corner.
Why Cliff, I think that's a wonderful idea.
Carla, would you be a dear
and cancel dinner reservations for the Sap party?
We're going to have Ritz service at the room.
I meant Ritz service at the room.
Can you believe I said Ritz service at the room?
What I meant was Ritz service at the room.
Cheers.
Hey, Mr. Clavin, what's new?
Sure thing. Hold on.
Sam, it's for you.
Yeah, Cliff.
Okay Sammy. Sammy, it's about to happen.
And you stopped to call me?
She's in the john putting on her best bib and tucker.
Sam, can I make a small confession?
Sure.
I'm scared.
Well, Cliff, if it's any consolation, I've seen her, and I'm scared for you.
Oh, my God.
Sam.
Slide over, Cliff.
No, I meant this way, Cliff.
Yes, ma'am.
Now...
...isn't this wonderful?
Yeah.
I wish the guys in the bar could see this.
Really?
You know, it's just a figure of speech.
They just think that we're together
because you want me to drop the lawsuit.
Well, they couldn't be more wrong.
No, I know.
I know. It's just...
I wish I could convince them of that.
I know.
If only that silly lawsuit were out of the way,
I could focus my total attention on you,
taking you to a height of ecstasy you've never dreamed possible.
I could go for that.
I ripped up that release form in the bar.
Well, there--
No.
- Unless... - Unless what?
Unless... no.
No, tell me.
Well, I happen to have another copy of that release form in my purse.
What a break!
I'm a lucky guy!
You got a pen?
I feel a terrible burden lifted off my shoulders.
Yeah. Me, too.
What now?
Well, you just lie back.
Yeah?
And close your eyes.
Yeah.
And I'll check my phone messages.
Excuse me?
Well, I get very distracted when I haven't checked my messages.
And you don't want me to be distracted, do you?
Oh, my God!
And then she hung up the phone and said,
"Cliff, I don't know how to tell you this,
but my husband's come back."
I mean, she's married all this time and never told you?
Yeah, it seems that her husband,
a true and gallant soldier of these United States,
was lost and presumed dead during some secret mission
out there in the far east.
As it turns out, he was only wounded,
although he suffered years of torture.
Somehow he managed to dig a tunnel
with a pair of chopsticks...
and make his way to a pay phone and give her a call.
Cliff, this is an unbelievable story.
Yeah, Sammy, it's unbelievable to me, and I was there.
She barely had time to blow me a kiss
and wish me a happy life, and then she was gone,
like a dream in the night.
What a maroon.
I guess we were like a pair of lovers who were never meant to be.
Like Romeo and Juliet.
Rhett and Scarlett.
Heathcliff, Cathy.
Heath, Cliff and Cathy.
Isn't that three people, Mr. Clavin?