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Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
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Well, I'm out of here, I guess.
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Going to stop over at the health club.
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You belong to a health club?
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Yeah. Vera gave me a membership
for my birthday.
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Real subtle, huh?
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You actually go there and work out?
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Yeah, I try to do about 25
in the pool every day.
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- Laps?
- Cannonballs.
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Great, Miss Harville. Thanks!
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- Hot dog.
- What's up?
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They just delivered my new mattress.
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Finally, a decent night's rest.
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So now all I got to do is figure out
what to do with my old mattress.
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Any suggestions?
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Well, mine's in the Smithsonian.
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Will they send a truck?
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Hey, Frasier. The usual?
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Not just yet.
I'm meeting a friend for a drink.
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Simon Finch-Royce.
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Dr. Simon Finch-Royce,
the noted marriage counselor?
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No, Dr. Finch-Royce, the circus geek.
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Yes, of course, the marriage counselor.
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We were students together
when I was a Rhodes Scholar.
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Wow. You were a roads scholar?
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Tell me this.
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How come the stuff
they fill in the potholes with
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is darker than the rest of the road?
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I don't know, Woody. I missed that day.
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Now it's come back to haunt you.
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Sam, Simon Finch-Royce
is an eminent psychotherapist
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who specializes in marital relations.
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Does eminent by any chance
mean rich and single?
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Anyway, Sam, I think it's safe to say
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that he has saved hundreds--nay,
thousands--
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Of troubled marriages.
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It's even rumored that he had a hand
in helping Chuck and Di.
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Speaking of that,
why don't you upchuck and die?
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Three little maids from school are we
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Pert as a schoolgirl well may be
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Filled to the brim with girlish glee
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Three little maids from school
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Sam, you want me to call the police?
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No cause for alarm.
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Simon and I did the spring musical
together at Oxford.
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It was The Mikado.
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Simon played Pitti-Sing
and I was Yum-Yum.
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And a handsomer Yum-Yum I've never seen.
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Good to see you, Simon.
How was your flight?
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Relatively crash-free.
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Can I buy you a drink?
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Yes, a beer, but none of that
weak-kneed American beer.
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Give me a little something
with hair on it.
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Here I am.
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So... you married?
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Yes, quite happily.
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Too bad. You could have been
my first Englishman.
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No, wait. There was that one other guy,
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but he was so white,
I kept losing him in the sheets.
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Do we know her?
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Yes, that's Carla.
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Have her scrubbed and sent to my tent.
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Sam, a Guinness for my friend.
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Guinness, coming right up.
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Simon, by the way,
Sam Malone, Woody Boyd.
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- Simon.
- Howdy.
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And this is Diane Chambers.
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How do you do?
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Delighted to make your acquaintance.
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You're so much taller
than you looked on your book jacket.
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Yes, well, you see,
the book's only about that big.
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That must be it.
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So what brings you here?
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I'm accepting an honorary degree.
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It's nothing much, just a small college,
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but any excuse to pop over the pond...
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Doc, hi, I'm Norm Peterson.
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I have to tell you that my wife is
a big fan of yours, sir.
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She reads all those
marriage improvement books.
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Great. Have they helped?
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They've helped me.
It gives her something to do in bed.
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Let's go on over here
where it's a little quieter.
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Splendid idea.
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Oh, thank you.
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Oh, Frasier, please join us.
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Sam, may I have a seltzer, please?
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You know, I had a thought.
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Sam and I are about to be married,
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and dare I ask,
could you be persuaded
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to possibly have
a session or two with us?
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- Diane--
- I think it's a capital idea.
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Well, then let it be
my wedding gift to you.
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I was considering the gravy boat,
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but I think our relationship
transcends mere crockery.
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Are you sure you don't mind?
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No at all. I'm a terrible workaholic.
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Also it'll be refreshing
to work with a couple
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who are not on the brink of disaster.
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Will you excuse us for a minute here?
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Can I talk to you a minute, please?
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Excuse me.
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Why do you want to do this?
We're not in trouble.
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We're not even married yet.
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Marriage counselors aren't just
for people who are having troubles.
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His expertise will help us
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lay a solid foundation
for our married life.
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Now, what say we give it a go?
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What's with this English accent?
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Ever since he walked in here,
you've been talking like the Queen
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was your Aunt Betty or something.
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Oh, tosh. What twaddle.
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See?
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So if you Brits ever
find yourself in trouble
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against another major military power
like Argentina,
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don't worry about a thing.
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We Yanks will be there to bail you out
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just like we did
during the last two big ones.
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Cliff ie!
Cliff, there's a gentleman over here
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who thinks you know absolutely nothing
about photosynthesis.
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Oh, yeah? Who?
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Where is he? I'll straighten him out.
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So, doctor, when should we begin?
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Why not right now?
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Sure. Is there anywhere
with a little privacy?
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Well, there's Sam's office.
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You don't mind, do you Sam?
Of course you don't.
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Oh, lovely.
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Simon, this is strictly professional.
I want you to bill me for this.
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Oh, right.
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I want you to completely disregard
our years and years of friendship
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when determining your fee.
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Oh, well, whatever you say.
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I mean it, now.
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I'll hear nothing of that 40%
psychiatrist courtesy discount
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that's customary here in the States.
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I wouldn't dream of insulting you.
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Well, I'm glad we worked that out.
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Well now, where to begin?
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Usually at this point,
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you would tell me what a loathsome,
contemptible swine he is
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and you'd describe in some detail
what a wanton libidinous trollop she is.
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But as you're only engaged,
we'll just have to look forward to that.
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When I was on staff at the London
psychiatric hospital,
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- just after my divorce--
- Excuse me.
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- You've been divorced?
- Yes, I have.
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That's great.
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Sam, I can say to you with pride,
yes, I've been divorced
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because it is only from our failures
that we gain knowledge.
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Consequently, I was able
to make a much better choice
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of a second wife.
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Perhaps my vision was clearer
for the tears that I shed.
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You are the wisest man I know.
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High praise, indeed. Well, now...
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I need to begin to get to know you two.
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So, Diane, why don't you start.
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Well, they say you don't have
prenatal memories,
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but I have a distinct
in-utero recollection
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of a Fourth of July concert
my mother attended.
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There was at least...
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Then he proposed to me,
in, of all places, a court of law.
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This time I acquiesced
and agreed to become Mrs. Malone...
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Which brings us here today.
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You know, my wife has a skirt
very similar to the one you're wearing.
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Sam, a little of your history, please.
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Right. All right, okay.
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Let's see.
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It was August 5, 1973,
I got my first Major League save.
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It was in Baltimore.
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Sam, you don't have to go
into all of that.
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If you can go back to the womb,
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I can go back to the damn Oriole
double-header.
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Anyway... sweltering day.
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Frank Robinson had been
killing me all season.
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...happened every single time.
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No matter what town you were in,
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these women would just hang around
outside your locker room,
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complete strangers,
and throw themselves at you?
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Yeah. It was great.
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Well... moving on.
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Now, what are the keys
to a successful marriage?
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There are numerous schools of thought.
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Many experts claim
the most important single ingredient
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in a marriage is...
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- Quickly now.
- Love.
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- Sex.
- Honesty.
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Because from honesty springs...
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- Fidelity.
- Sex.
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Yes, trust.
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I was going to say that.
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Well, those people are wrong.
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Now, during the course of my counseling,
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I've come up with an number
of scenarios, the responses to which
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give very useful pointers
to a couple's compatibility.
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So, Sam, we'll start with you.
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- You're on your honeymoon.
- With... Diane?
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With Diane.
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00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:35,593
Now, the two of you
are on a tropical beach
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wearing nothing but your swimming togs.
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Doctor, I do have a tendency to freckle.
200
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Diane is wearing a big hat.
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Sam, you see a woman walk by.
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Her flesh is tawny from the tropic sun.
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Her proud yet supple bosoms
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heave mightily against the constraints
of her tiny bikini.
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00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:58,575
You think she's the most beautiful
creature that you have ever seen.
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At this moment, Diane turns to you and
says, "a penny for your thoughts."
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00:11:02,287 --> 00:11:03,705
Do you share them with her?
208
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,666
Gee, that's... hard to say.
209
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:09,502
When you say bikini,
is it that French cut?
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00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:10,920
Sam!
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00:11:11,087 --> 00:11:13,506
I'm just trying to clarify things here.
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All right, do I tell her?
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00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:19,345
No, of course not.
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00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,599
You wouldn't trust me to handle that?
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00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,269
Well, yes, of course I would.
Did I say no? I meant yes.
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00:11:26,436 --> 00:11:27,979
All right, Diane.
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It's your wedding night.
218
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You and Sam have just made love.
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00:11:32,192 --> 00:11:34,903
Sam has not performed to your
satisfaction.
220
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He asks you how it was.
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00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:45,455
Do you tell him?
222
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I never have before.
223
00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:51,211
I'm kidding.
224
00:11:51,377 --> 00:11:53,129
I tell you I'm kidding.
225
00:11:54,589 --> 00:11:56,841
Of course I wouldn't tell him.
It would hurt his feelings.
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Fine. I just have to
express my appreciation
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00:12:00,386 --> 00:12:01,679
that you're being so open with me.
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00:12:01,846 --> 00:12:02,847
I've heard enough.
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00:12:03,932 --> 00:12:05,975
- That's it?
- That's all he has to hear.
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00:12:06,142 --> 00:12:07,685
The good doctor is a brilliant man.
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00:12:07,852 --> 00:12:10,104
I'm sure he has a complete handle
on our relationship.
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00:12:10,271 --> 00:12:11,481
Yes, I have.
233
00:12:11,648 --> 00:12:15,068
You two should not only not get married,
you should never see each other again.
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What?
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00:12:20,031 --> 00:12:21,866
I'm sorry to be so blunt,
but sometimes a surgeon
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has to cut in order to cure.
237
00:12:25,745 --> 00:12:27,080
Well, what's the problem?
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00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,666
Would that there were only one,
but there are so many.
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00:12:30,291 --> 00:12:31,960
I see what you mean.
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First of all and most obviously,
you have absolutely nothing in common.
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00:12:36,422 --> 00:12:39,384
Then on top of that, you have
an appalling lack of communication.
242
00:12:39,550 --> 00:12:42,679
What about the idea
that opposites attract?
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00:12:43,346 --> 00:12:45,306
The song of the truly desperate. Well...
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00:12:48,101 --> 00:12:50,520
Take it from who has observed
dozens of failed marriages,
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00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:53,523
the only thing that
opposites attract is divorce.
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00:12:53,690 --> 00:12:55,984
Wait, don't go. What should we do?
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00:12:56,150 --> 00:12:58,111
Well, think yourselves lucky.
You found out now.
248
00:12:58,278 --> 00:13:02,699
Saved yourselves years, perhaps decades,
of pain and heartache.
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00:13:03,283 --> 00:13:04,659
Cheerio.
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00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,422
Simon, I've signed a blank check.
251
00:13:17,588 --> 00:13:19,882
Now, remember, no favors.
I want you to fill in your regular fee.
252
00:13:20,049 --> 00:13:23,136
As you wish. Thanks. Excuse me.
I must dash back to the hotel.
253
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,471
Just for my ledger,
what amount shall I fill in?
254
00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:26,723
Fifteen hundred dollars.
255
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:28,599
Fine. Fifteen hundred dollars. Done.
256
00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,601
Pretentious limey bastard.
257
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:34,897
Well, what am I saying?
258
00:13:35,064 --> 00:13:36,649
It was your wedding gift,
and he is the best.
259
00:13:36,816 --> 00:13:38,359
The man's a quack.
260
00:13:39,736 --> 00:13:43,156
Imagine he had the nerve to say
that Sam and I shouldn't get married,
261
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,783
that we have absolutely
nothing in common.
262
00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:48,911
Excuse me, Diane,
what exactly do you two have in common?
263
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:53,374
Well, we...
264
00:13:54,250 --> 00:13:56,377
Wait a minute. Somebody's suggesting
265
00:13:56,544 --> 00:13:58,713
Sam and Diane aren't right
for each other.
266
00:13:59,672 --> 00:14:01,549
Where have I heard that before?
267
00:14:01,716 --> 00:14:03,426
Of course, my prayers.
268
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,848
What are we going to do?
269
00:14:09,015 --> 00:14:10,850
We're going to get married, of course.
270
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,771
We're not going to listen
to that sack of fish and chips.
271
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:19,817
Wait a minute.
272
00:14:23,571 --> 00:14:25,490
Why, that wily old bird.
273
00:14:25,656 --> 00:14:26,866
He's brilliant.
274
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:29,160
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
275
00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:30,870
First, he's brilliant,
276
00:14:31,037 --> 00:14:32,789
then he's a quack,
and now he's brilliant again?
277
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,792
Don't you see? It was a test.
278
00:14:35,958 --> 00:14:40,254
He was testing our resolve
in the face of his pronouncement.
279
00:14:40,421 --> 00:14:41,631
Come on, let's go to his hotel.
280
00:14:41,798 --> 00:14:43,174
No, I don't want to do that. Come on.
281
00:14:43,341 --> 00:14:47,136
We have to prove to him
that we are indivisible.
282
00:14:47,303 --> 00:14:50,890
I can't believe that I almost fell
for the oldest trick in the book.
283
00:14:51,057 --> 00:14:52,517
Come on.
284
00:14:52,683 --> 00:14:54,852
I thought the oldest trick
in the book was the one
285
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:56,896
where the guy tells you you
got a spot on your shirt.
286
00:14:57,063 --> 00:15:00,817
Then when you look down...
he flicks your nose.
287
00:15:02,026 --> 00:15:04,737
Woody, you do have a spot
on your shirt there.
288
00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,448
No, no, no, Mr. Clavin.
289
00:15:07,615 --> 00:15:09,992
I'm not falling for that.
290
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:12,912
Wait, wait.
You got a spot right there.
291
00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:16,207
Yeah, right. You're not
gonna make me look like a dope.
292
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:25,466
No, darling, I've settled in
for the evening.
293
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,009
I'm desperate for a bit
of peace and quiet,
294
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,887
so I'll just have a bite to eat
and a bath and pop into bed.
295
00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:33,015
That pompous twit
Frasier Crane says hello.
296
00:15:34,725 --> 00:15:36,185
As bad as usual if not worse.
297
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:39,439
Though you may be amused to know
I stuck him for $1,500.
298
00:15:41,274 --> 00:15:42,817
Excuse me, darling.
Someone's at the door.
299
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,652
Shall we say-- Yes, all right.
300
00:15:44,819 --> 00:15:47,530
Yes, I love you, too.
301
00:15:51,826 --> 00:15:53,995
Hello, doctor.
302
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:55,580
This is a surprise.
303
00:15:55,746 --> 00:15:58,458
Sorry about this. We didn't
catch you on the hopper, did we?
304
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,086
No, but thanks for asking. Come in.
305
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:06,549
This will only take a moment.
306
00:16:06,716 --> 00:16:08,342
You know, you're a very clever man.
307
00:16:08,509 --> 00:16:10,511
It wasn't until after you'd left
that we realized
308
00:16:10,678 --> 00:16:13,764
you were merely testing our resolve.
309
00:16:13,931 --> 00:16:15,766
So we stand before you now
310
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:19,854
as proof we are steadfast
in our devotion to one another.
311
00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,981
Well, that's very lovely,
but it wasn't a test.
312
00:16:23,274 --> 00:16:26,444
Listen to him, Sam.
It's yet another test.
313
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:29,113
I'm afraid I haven't made myself
sufficiently clear.
314
00:16:30,364 --> 00:16:33,075
You two are an accident...
315
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,828
...waiting to marry.
316
00:16:38,372 --> 00:16:40,833
Well, you couldn't be more wrong.
317
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,003
If you only knew the enormous
obstacles we've overcome,
318
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:47,632
you'd know we're destined
to die in each other's arms.
319
00:16:47,798 --> 00:16:50,176
Because although
we are very different people,
320
00:16:50,343 --> 00:16:53,471
our hearts mesh together perfectly.
321
00:16:54,555 --> 00:16:56,933
We have achieved symbiosis.
322
00:16:57,099 --> 00:16:59,810
Not every time, but it's close.
323
00:17:04,607 --> 00:17:06,442
- Sorry about this.
- Aren't we all?
324
00:17:12,657 --> 00:17:14,492
All I'm saying is maybe he's right.
325
00:17:14,659 --> 00:17:16,327
Maybe we should give it some thought.
Maybe we should wait.
326
00:17:16,494 --> 00:17:17,912
Maybe I'm a confirmed bachelor.
327
00:17:18,079 --> 00:17:20,623
Maybe you'll do me the honor
of sticking a sock in it!
328
00:17:21,499 --> 00:17:23,042
I take it it didn't go so well?
329
00:17:23,209 --> 00:17:26,003
He claims it wasn't a test.
330
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:29,382
If you ask me,
his methods are highly suspect.
331
00:17:30,299 --> 00:17:35,054
How can he say that we're mismatched
on the basis of two silly questions?
332
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:37,598
I didn't even answer mine accurately.
333
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:40,184
I said what I thought he wanted to hear.
334
00:17:40,351 --> 00:17:41,894
Sam, did you answer the way
you wanted to answer
335
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,063
or the way you thought
he wanted you to answer,
336
00:17:44,230 --> 00:17:46,232
or the way you thought
I wanted you to answer.
337
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,485
I don't know, I got confused
after the babe in the bikini walked by.
338
00:17:53,030 --> 00:17:56,158
Well, Diane,
did you tell Simon all this?
339
00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:59,537
No, I didn't.
340
00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:03,833
But I'm going to now. Come on, Sam.
341
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,544
We just came back from that hotel.
I'm not going back there again.
342
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:09,547
This is a crucial point
in our relationship.
343
00:18:09,714 --> 00:18:12,049
I am starved. I haven't eaten all day.
Come on.
344
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:15,052
Both of you, go to Finch-Royce.
Tell him the truth.
345
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,013
Let him make and accurate
assessment of your relationship.
346
00:18:17,179 --> 00:18:19,140
- All right.
- You owe it to me, you owe it to him,
347
00:18:19,307 --> 00:18:21,517
and most of all,
you owe it to yourselves.
348
00:18:21,684 --> 00:18:23,394
Don't come back until you're fully
satisfied.
349
00:18:23,561 --> 00:18:25,104
I don't care how long it takes.
350
00:18:25,271 --> 00:18:26,606
Bye. Thank you.
351
00:18:27,523 --> 00:18:28,649
Fifteen hundred bucks, my butt.
352
00:18:28,816 --> 00:18:30,943
Frasier Crane can play hardball, too.
353
00:18:37,241 --> 00:18:39,076
If you need anything else,
just let me know.
354
00:18:39,243 --> 00:18:41,621
Thank you. Are you sure the soup
is piping hot this time?
355
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,290
Yes, sir. I burned myself on the bowl.
356
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,791
Excellent.
357
00:19:01,599 --> 00:19:04,101
How lovely to see you again.
What's it been, 30 minutes?
358
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:08,439
I'm sorry to barge in.
I hope we're not disturbing you.
359
00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:10,399
Actually I was just about
to have my dinner.
360
00:19:10,566 --> 00:19:11,734
Dinner?
361
00:19:11,901 --> 00:19:14,028
Yes, I don't want to sound rude,
362
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:16,322
but I actually would like to eat it
while it's hot.
363
00:19:16,489 --> 00:19:19,700
I'm sorry. This is simply
too important to put it off.
364
00:19:19,867 --> 00:19:21,243
It's been preying on our minds.
365
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,787
We really can't think of anything else.
366
00:19:22,953 --> 00:19:24,330
- Isn't that right, Sam?
- Yeah, right.
367
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:25,831
- Are you gonna eat those crackers?
- Yes, I am!
368
00:19:25,998 --> 00:19:28,959
Now, would you please just say
whatever it is you've come to say?
369
00:19:29,126 --> 00:19:31,587
Very well. From the moment
of your pronouncement,
370
00:19:31,754 --> 00:19:36,050
we felt that you were wrong,
and now we realize why.
371
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:39,845
We gave you the wrong answers
to your questions about the honeymoon.
372
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:43,891
We've thought it over, and now we want
to give you our real answers.
373
00:19:44,058 --> 00:19:45,976
Yes, well, it doesn't matter
what you say now, you see?
374
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:49,355
What matters is your first response,
your gut reaction.
375
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,274
You've had two hours
to think about it now.
376
00:19:52,441 --> 00:19:54,610
Yes, well, sometimes
it takes Sam two hours
377
00:19:54,777 --> 00:19:56,612
to come up with his first thought.
378
00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,701
I don't appreciate that.
379
00:20:01,867 --> 00:20:03,994
It was your stupid idea
to come here in the first place.
380
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:05,621
All of sudden he says
something you don't like,
381
00:20:05,788 --> 00:20:07,790
and now you don't believe him anymore?
382
00:20:07,957 --> 00:20:08,999
Well, he's wrong.
383
00:20:09,166 --> 00:20:10,376
He doesn't know what
he's talking about.
384
00:20:10,543 --> 00:20:12,294
Don't you think he's capable
of making a mistake?
385
00:20:12,461 --> 00:20:15,256
That's highly unlikely,
although I did let the two of you in.
386
00:20:15,423 --> 00:20:17,341
Excuse me...
387
00:20:17,508 --> 00:20:19,176
Come on, let's get out of here.
388
00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:22,054
I'm starved. I want to go have some
dinner. You want to join me?
389
00:20:22,221 --> 00:20:23,514
Please say yes.
390
00:20:39,864 --> 00:20:41,657
I wondered what was keeping you.
391
00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,242
I was beginning to get worried.
392
00:20:44,493 --> 00:20:45,995
Did we get you out of the shower?
393
00:20:46,162 --> 00:20:50,040
No. The soup was so hot,
it set off the sprinkler system.
394
00:20:52,251 --> 00:20:55,838
Sam and I have been to the library,
and we've done extensive research.
395
00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:58,424
We're here to tell you
that you are full of rubbish!
396
00:20:58,591 --> 00:21:02,970
How thoughtful.
Most people would only have phoned.
397
00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:05,890
Now, if you'll just examine
the parts that I have marked--
398
00:21:06,056 --> 00:21:07,808
I think I've shown
remarkable restraint so far,
399
00:21:08,476 --> 00:21:10,060
but I have had just about enough.
400
00:21:10,269 --> 00:21:12,062
I've said that you're not compatible,
401
00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:14,899
and you have done nothing
to show me otherwise.
402
00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:17,067
Look, I don't know
what we're supposed to do
403
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:18,360
or what we're supposed to say,
404
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:20,654
but we're here fighting
for our lives together!
405
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,573
Now, doesn't that count
for something?
406
00:21:22,740 --> 00:21:23,866
No.
407
00:21:28,746 --> 00:21:29,747
Why not?
408
00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,081
Well, let me answer you this way.
409
00:21:31,248 --> 00:21:32,792
Sam, do you really want to be here?
410
00:21:32,958 --> 00:21:35,461
- No.
- What do you mean?
411
00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:39,340
I mean no. I don't want to be here.
This whole thing was your stupid idea.
412
00:21:39,507 --> 00:21:42,468
What do we care if this guy
doesn't think we should get married?
413
00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:44,261
Nobody we know
thinks we should get married.
414
00:21:44,428 --> 00:21:46,931
We don't go bugging them
in the middle of the night, do we?
415
00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:52,102
All right.
What do you suggest we do?
416
00:21:52,269 --> 00:21:53,270
Nothing.
417
00:21:54,480 --> 00:21:56,565
That's your solution
to everything-- nothing!
418
00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:59,401
Is that what you're going to do
for the rest of your life, nothing?
419
00:21:59,568 --> 00:22:01,487
I haven't decided yet.
420
00:22:06,242 --> 00:22:07,910
I've grown to hate them.
421
00:22:26,470 --> 00:22:29,014
That's it. I've died and gone to hell.
422
00:22:30,641 --> 00:22:31,642
Doctor...
423
00:22:32,351 --> 00:22:34,270
There's one thing
you haven't considered.
424
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:36,564
Right. Fine. All right. Okay...
425
00:22:37,898 --> 00:22:40,234
Sam, Diane...
426
00:22:40,401 --> 00:22:43,487
You two are perfect together.
427
00:22:44,238 --> 00:22:45,364
I'm sorry I made a mistake,
428
00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:48,367
but I now see that you're
the most perfectly matched couple
429
00:22:48,534 --> 00:22:50,327
on the face of the earth.
430
00:22:50,494 --> 00:22:52,204
But why am I telling you this?
431
00:22:52,371 --> 00:22:54,874
Let's share it with the rest
of the world, shall we?
432
00:22:55,040 --> 00:22:56,500
Hear this, world!
433
00:22:56,667 --> 00:22:59,086
The rest of you can stop
getting married now.
434
00:22:59,253 --> 00:23:01,338
It's been done to perfection.
435
00:23:01,505 --> 00:23:03,465
Envy them, sofa! Envy them, chair!
436
00:23:03,632 --> 00:23:05,801
For you shall never be as cozy as they,
437
00:23:05,968 --> 00:23:08,220
for I guarantee their marriage
438
00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:11,056
will be a total,
epoch-shattering success.
439
00:23:11,223 --> 00:23:13,767
And I stake my life on it!
440
00:23:15,519 --> 00:23:17,771
Quick! Let me put that on record!
441
00:23:19,732 --> 00:23:23,694
I, Dr. Simon Finch-Royce,
being of sound mind,
442
00:23:23,861 --> 00:23:27,698
declare that Sam and Diane shall
be together throughout all eternity,
443
00:23:28,115 --> 00:23:32,119
and if I am wrong, I hereby promise
that I will take my own life
444
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,705
in the most disgusting manner possible.
445
00:23:36,415 --> 00:23:39,668
Here, take the tape--
No, take the whole machine.
446
00:23:39,835 --> 00:23:43,422
It's my wedding gift to you.
To you--the most perfect couple
447
00:23:43,589 --> 00:23:46,383
since the dawn of time!
448
00:23:53,182 --> 00:23:54,934
See?