Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Sammy, got three questions.
One, who's gonna fix the ball return on the pool table?
Okay, I'll check that today. Check.
Two, how much vermouth for next month?
An extra case.
Three, Why? Why? Why?
Come on, don't start with me about the wedding.
Oh, Sammy, Sammy!
It actually looks like you're gonna go through with this horrible thing.
Why do you want to marry this woman?
I don't know, Carla. It...
It's not easy to explain.
I mean, why did you marry Nick?
Why? 'Cause I was stupid, that's why.
Well... actually, there was a little more.
What?
You tell anybody this, and I'll kill you.
Nick made me feel all...
all... squooshy inside.
squooshy?
squooshy.
Yeah, well...
That's how Diane makes me feel. All squooshy.
Yuck! Double yuck!
I'm going to throw up! That is so disgusting!
You said it! What are you--
I married Nick 'cause he knocked me up. This is sickening!
I only said it 'cause you said it.
- I need some air. - No, don't--
Hey, guys, listen to this.
Sam says Diane makes him feel all squooshy.
- Sammy! - Sammy!
squooshy...
Excuse me, young man. I'm Dr. Sumner Sloane.
I'm looking for Diane Chambers.
Gee, I hope she's not sick.
No, I'm not a medical doctor.
I'm in the Literature Department at Boston University,
where I occupy a chair.
Don't worry about it. That's all I did in school, too.
- That's Sumner Sloane there. - The famous Sumner Sloane.
- The man who jilted Diane? - Yep.
He made a bigger doofus out of her than she made out of you.
No easy trick.
Oh, boy, that was one of your major league dumps, too.
Poor little Diane, up there on our doorstep,
you know, turning to us for shelter from life's storm.
Yeah.
Boy, oh, boy, it seems like a long time ago, doesn't it, Normie?
A lot's changed since that fateful night.
Yeah. As I recall, you were sitting over there drinking a beer,
and I was sitting right here having a beer kind of wishing you'd shut up.
- Good memory. - Yeah.
- Hello, Diane. - Hello, Sumner.
- Hello, Sam, old man. - Sumner.
I understand congratulations are in order.
You heard about our engagement?
Yes. Wonderful news traveled fast.
Sam, old man, I'd like to steal away your lovely bride-to-be
for a private chat, with your permission.
You're not going to try and take her away from me, are you, Sumner?
It's obvious you've cast a spell over Diane
that someone with even my considerable charms
would find difficult to break.
Well, maybe with your charms and a jug of cheap wine.
Hello.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. Perhaps you've heard of me.
Not till this moment.
Well, it just so happens that I was once engaged to Diane, too.
Is there anyone in this bar you haven't been engaged to?
Well, I believe the floor is now open
to nominations for Pompous Ass of the Year Award.
Hey, remember us, Dr. Sloane?
How could I forget? Barney, Wally, Ed.
When I heard of your impending marriage to Sam,
I thought perhaps I had overestimated you.
So I pored through everything that you'd written--
Letters, poems, short stories.
The pages burned with your talent, Diane.
And I was singed.
Why are you telling me this?
I was so impressed by one of your unfinished novels,
I took the liberty of sending it to a friend
- who's an editor at Houghton Mifflin. - You had no right to do that.
While he concurs with me that it's rough, embryonic, and immature,
he loves it...
...and thinks it has a very good chance of being published.
Published?!
I knew it. I felt it.
I'd never been more alive in my life than when I was writing that.
Which one was it?
Jocasta's Conundrum.
Yes!
I'm gonna be a novelist! I'm gonna be a novelist!
This doesn't guarantee publication.
He has other people to convince.
And he'll have to see the finished work.
Actually, I haven't quite finished it.
I haven't written for... five years.
That's about the same amount of time
you've been interred in this tomb of thought.
Roughly.
It's imperative you get out of here and finish this novel immediately.
You can use my cabin in Maine.
It's where I go to do most of my profound thinking.
You'll love it.
Ted Koppel has a little place right down the road.
I can't. I'm going to marry Sam.
Do you realize the implications of the choice you're making?
There's no choice.
A woman can be married and write, too.
I get it. You're going to write the Great American Novel
in between driving the kids to Little League games,
changing the litter box, and teaching Sam pinochle
so you can have the Mundanes over to dinner.
Well, even if I can't do both, I don't care.
Of course you don't, Sam's bludgeoned all the spirit out of you
and dragged you back down to his level.
No one was dragged, Sumner.
Sam and I walked arm-in-arm to his level.
- I think you'd better leave now. - Yes, I'll leave.
But the time will come when you'll look back on this moment
and realize you made a terrible mistake.
I'm glad I won't be around to witness that.
- So am I. - Touché.
How appropriate that as I take my leave of you,
you are holding the eight ball.
Goodbye, Diane.
- Sam? - Yeah.
Well, there you are. Where have you been?
I was at the dentist.
I had something caught in my teeth.
What are you up to there?
I've started addressing our wedding invitations.
So... what did Sumner have to say?
Well, it seems he has submitted the manuscript
of one of my novels to an editor,
who thinks it might be publishable with a little work.
Well, that's great... isn't it?
Well, it's very flattering.
And I'm not easily flattered.
No, I know, I know. That's--
That's one of the most remarkable things about you.
Thank you, Sam.
Wait a minute, you know. This could work out perfectly.
Why don't we postpone the wedding?
- Postpone it? - Yeah! Absolutely.
I mean, you could go off and finish your book.
And it would give me a chance to do something I've wanted to do all my life.
What?
What do you mean, what? You want me to name it?
That'd be good.
Well, I'd take a trip to the Orient.
Yeah, yeah, I always wanted to go to the Orient.
You've never said anything about a trip to the orient.
Well, not in so many words, but, I mean, you know how much I like Chinese food.
It's...
Sam, I've waited several years for this marriage
and I don't want to wait any longer. I'm starting to get scared.
- Oh, no. - Something always seems to screw us up.
Usually it's you.
Sometimes it's me. Let's get married now.
What do you mean, now?
Now. Tonight.
- Tonight. - Yeah.
What's the rush?
It feels like you want to do this fast so that you don't change your mind.
You're the one who seems to be changing his mind.
No, no, I'm not. No, I'm not.
Well, good, then there's no problem. Let's marry tonight.
Well, maybe we will, maybe we won't.
We ought to think about this.
All right, fine. You sit down, think about it.
I'll make us some tea.
If you get stuck, call me. I'll come in and jiggle your head.
Tea time, dear.
I've had a great life.
My grandson's a 25-game winner with the...
...Red Sox.
I've got the prettiest wife in town.
And I can still fire off the old booster rockets now and again.
And don't forget your pinochle's coming along quite well.
Yes, yes. You know, now that I've got the hang of it,
I kinda like that game.
Who called there a minute ago?
That was your granddaughter, Samantha.
She said to tell her gramps that she has a new boyfriend.
- What's he like? - Well, he sounds like a fine young man.
She says he has his doctorate in...
laser beam demolecularization.
Only one thing kept me from going into that myself.
I don't have the brains of a turnip.
I'll get it.
Maybe you'd better do it.
I'd rather watch you walk anyway.
You know, it is absolutely amazing how you've held on to your figure.
Well, it's amazing how you've held on to it, too.
Oh, Clifford.
You hit the jackpot there, Diane.
Thanks so much. Would you like to come in and have a cup of tea?
Oh, don't mind if I do.
Good.
When are you going to retire, Cliff?
Retire? Hell's bells, Sammy.
Being a mailman's still the surest way I know of meeting the...
- Women! - Women.
I'll get it.
No, maybe not.
Let me. We seem to be very popular today.
Evening, everybody.
- What's up, Norm? - Me, about 30 times a night.
Norman, shall I get you a cup so you can join us in some tea?
No, no, thanks, Diane.
I'm just here to pick up Cliff ie.
We're going to go on over to Woody's Bar and have a few beers.
- Well, tell Woody we say hi. - Yeah.
How's he doing with the bar?
Well, Sammy, he's turned it into a real family enterprise,
you know. He's...
He and his kid are working behind the bar.
And he's got his wife and daughter are actually waiting tables.
End of the evening, they apparently take off all their shoes and socks
and add up the receipts.
Yeah... We're out of here. Cliff ie.
Women.
- We're out of here. - Well, I...
Really nice seeing you two again.
Diane, you get better looking every year.
Why, thank you, Clifford.
Yeah. Wish I could say the same thing about Vera.
Norman, didn't you tell us that Vera still has the figure of a young girl?
It's tattooed on her back.
Good one.
You know, Sam...
we are blessed...
...with wonderful friends and a wonderful family.
Certainly has been a good life.
Do you have any regrets?
None.
Now what about that book you were gonna write a long time ago?
Don't you ever wish that you had done that instead of marrying me?
That was years and years ago, Sam.
I know that, but don't you have any regrets?
Sam Malone...
I wouldn't trade one minute of my life with you
for the Nobel Prize in literature.
I'll get it.
Hello?
I don't know why, Carla!
Because I love her, now can we just leave this alone, please?
Teatime, Sam.
So, what's your answer,
"Yes" or 'I need more time to think about it"?
Okay.
- You mean it? - Yeah.
Oh, Sam!
- You won't regret it. - Well, I just hope you don't.
I never shall. Thank you.
Come on, let's do it. Let's go get a Justice of the Peace.
Better yet, let's wed at Cheers.
- The bar? - It's ideal.
Right there in front of our dearest friends
who've been witness to our love, seen the good times and the bad times,
shared our joys and sorrows. How perfect.
Those dear souls will share our moment of ultimate joy.
Better still, why don't we have them over right here?
- We'll do it right here. - I don't want those people in my house.
All right, I got 20 bucks says they won't do it.
All right, well, I got 30 here says they tie the knotsky tonight sky.
I'd like a piece of that, Cliff.
Because, you see, I'm convinced that the words "I do"
are not in the woman's vocabulary.
All right. Let's see how much you've got there.
Come on, put your money where your mouth is.
- Hey, everybody! - Hey!
Wish me luck.
Sammy... let me just give you a little piece of advice
I wish somebody would have given me once.
Run, Sammy. Just run like the wind.
Disappear into the night. Go, Sammy, go!
I understand that this has been a long time in coming.
So without further delay, we'll get to the matter at hand.
You, Sam, and you, Diane, have complied with the general laws
of the commonwealth of Massachusetts,
and there are no apparent impediments to this marriage...
Therefore, do you, Sam Malone, take this woman, Diane Chambers,
to be your lawfully wedded wife till death do you part?
I do.
Cheers.
Just a second. Miss Chambers, it's for you.
Woody, I'm kind of busy.
Listen, she's getting married. Can I take a message?
You're kidding.
That's-- Yeah, that's great! That's unbelievable!
Yeah. You're welcome.
Go ahead.
No, no, don't go ahead. Woody, what is it?
They're going to publish Miss Chambers' book.
They're giving her a big advance to finish it.
To continue...
Diane Chambers, do you take this man, Samuel Malone,
to be your lawfully wedded husband till death do you part?
What? Yes. Of course.
Why wouldn't I?
Well, then, by the powers vested in me
by the Governor of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts,
- I now pronounce you man-- - No, you don't.
I want to change my answer.
What did he say?
Sam... I'm...
Look, you got to do this book.
- You have to. - I don't care about the book.
I care about you.
Go ahead. From the beginning, please.
This is inhuman.
You Sam and you Diane have complied with the general regulations and the...
...laws of the Commonwealth of--
No. Wait, wait, wait. Look, I don't want to be married
to a woman who's gonna be always asking, "what if?"
I'll tell you what, you're bad at ballet, you're terrible at acting,
you can't draw worth a lick,
you're bad at poetry, photography, cinema, omelets.
I mean, they're going to have to start inventing things for you to be bad at.
Make your point, Sam.
You're good at writing.
I think we finally found something you don't stink at.
- But, Sam, I-- - Look, look.
This is important for you.
I mean, I had my day in the sun.
I may not have been the greatest relief pitcher in the world--
- Yeah, you were, Sammy. - Thank you. The point is--
The point is... I took a shot.
You got to take your shot.
Well...
- We've always gone with our feelings. - Yeah.
Are these your feelings?
Yes, they are.
I only want to do what's best for us.
So?
Do you agree that we shouldn't get married?
I do.
Thank you, thank you.
Well, Maine awaits.
- See you in six months. - Right.
Right.
Next time, let's have our wedding somewhere else.
Anything you say.
Have a good life.
"Have a good life"?
What?
Well, that's something you say when something's over.
Sam... I'm going away for six months.
That's all.
So no more of this "have a good life" stuff.
You never know. You could die. I could die.
The world could end.
One of us could bump our heads and wander the streets
for the rest of our life with amnesia.
Or maybe one of us will decide they want something else.
None of those things will happen.
I'll be back here. I will.
I'll see you in six months.
- Okay? - Okay.
Okay. That's better.
Have a good life.