1
00:00:01,543 --> 00:00:04,338
Cheers <i>is filmed
before a live audience.</i>

2
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:06,465
Woody, here's your dinner.

3
00:00:06,465 --> 00:00:07,716
Oh, thanks, Carla.

4
00:00:07,883 --> 00:00:12,679
Oh, boy, I'm gonna be glad
when I drop this double load.

5
00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:15,974
My veins are killing me.

6
00:00:16,141 --> 00:00:19,061
- Oh, your veins, huh?
- Yeah, varicose veins.

7
00:00:19,228 --> 00:00:21,980
I had them stripped twice already.

8
00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:24,650
- How do they do that?
- Surgically.

9
00:00:24,816 --> 00:00:28,904
They cut a hole in your leg
and they pull the vein out.

10
00:00:29,988 --> 00:00:31,031
No kidding.

11
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:37,162
Yeah, it's like pulling a long,
slimy worm out of your flesh.

12
00:00:38,247 --> 00:00:39,581
Gee, imagine that.

13
00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:42,918
Oh, can you believe maintaining
that post-coital <i>tristesse</i>

14
00:00:43,085 --> 00:00:44,378
is gender-orientated?

15
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:47,506
Do you mind, Dr. Crane?
I'm trying to eat!

16
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:06,710
Woody, does it look like we're gonna
get a good turnout for our auction?

17
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:08,170
Oh, yeah.

18
00:02:08,378 --> 00:02:11,256
I'll bet by now there isn't anyone
in Boston who doesn't know about it.

19
00:02:11,423 --> 00:02:12,924
- What auction?
- We're having an auction?

20
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:18,930
It's terrific.
It's a benefit for Children's Hospital.

21
00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:22,142
All these women get together and
they bid for an evening on the town

22
00:02:22,309 --> 00:02:23,769
with eligible bachelors.

23
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,896
Local celebrities, athletes.

24
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:28,690
They raise a lot of money.
They do it every year, and it's fun.

25
00:02:28,940 --> 00:02:32,444
- Where'd you hear about it?
- I must have been to one once.

26
00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:34,696
- Anyway, I told Mr. Drake--
- Who'd you bid on?

27
00:02:36,239 --> 00:02:37,699
I told Mr. Drake
I thought it would be

28
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,868
- great publicity for Cheers--
- Who'd you bid on?

29
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,746
And since it's for a good cause,
he agreed--

30
00:02:42,913 --> 00:02:45,874
- Who'd you bid on?
- A hairy linebacker. Are you satisfied?

31
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:48,919
Were you?

32
00:02:51,213 --> 00:02:54,466
The point is,
Mr. Drake thinks it's a great idea.

33
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,259
- Woody.
- So, Sammy,

34
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,887
you gonna be taking part
in this auction?

35
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:01,682
Are you kidding me?
I hate that stuff.

36
00:03:01,890 --> 00:03:04,267
I mean, it's one thing for guys
to bid on chicks,

37
00:03:04,476 --> 00:03:07,104
but, I mean, that's sick.

38
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:12,442
You know, as a matter of fact--
Here you go-- Listen.

39
00:03:12,651 --> 00:03:15,946
Excuse me. Listen, I'm gonna save you
the embarrassment of asking

40
00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:17,572
and then being turned down.

41
00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:21,284
I'm not gonna be doing your auction,
so just forget it. No way.

42
00:03:21,493 --> 00:03:23,328
- Not me.
- Fine.

43
00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:26,832
We need to create a stage. I think
right there as you walk in the door--

44
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,751
Hey, what's "fine"
supposed to mean?

45
00:03:29,918 --> 00:03:32,713
Well, it means I hadn't planned
to ask you in the first place.

46
00:03:32,921 --> 00:03:36,299
Oh, well, good, good, because
I really don't care for that stuff.

47
00:03:36,508 --> 00:03:38,468
All right. We need a podium.

48
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:41,054
Because the emcee is gonna
be standing at a podium.

49
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:43,890
- All the women will be standing--
- Excuse me, one more time here.

50
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:47,352
Why hadn't you
planned on asking me?

51
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:51,189
Well, I guess I just don't find you
as irresistible as some do.

52
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:53,442
You, for instance.

53
00:03:54,192 --> 00:03:56,570
But if you wanna participate,
you're perfectly welcome.

54
00:03:56,778 --> 00:03:59,114
No, hey, forget it. I'm sorry.

55
00:03:59,322 --> 00:04:00,824
It doesn't matter to me either way.

56
00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:02,701
I'm only doing this for charity.

57
00:04:02,909 --> 00:04:06,246
You know, Vera has that carved
on our headboard.

58
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:12,419
So we're agreed, then, right?
Just plain, simple gold wedding bands.

59
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:15,589
With an exquisite marquise diamond
on mine so we can tell them apart.

60
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:18,508
Oh, you give me such glee.

61
00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:21,470
Here we are. Sit here, my betrothed.
I'll go get us something to drink

62
00:04:21,678 --> 00:04:23,930
and, oh, exchange a few lies
with my buds.

63
00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,266
I understand.
Your daily dose of male bonding.

64
00:04:26,433 --> 00:04:28,018
Well, not for much longer.

65
00:04:28,226 --> 00:04:30,812
You-know-what's are breaking up
that old gang of mine.

66
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:34,065
As a guess, I'd say
hypertension and cirrhosis.

67
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,820
You're irrepressible!

68
00:04:40,906 --> 00:04:42,532
Sam, champagne, please.

69
00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:44,242
Oh, yeah, coming up.

70
00:04:44,409 --> 00:04:47,746
Oh, guys. Norm, Cliff.

71
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:49,623
Won't be long now
before the boys at the bar

72
00:04:49,831 --> 00:04:51,208
are gonna have to manage
without me.

73
00:04:51,374 --> 00:04:55,086
- Can do.
- Yeah, no sweat, Fras.

74
00:04:58,340 --> 00:04:59,508
Champagne, huh?

75
00:04:59,674 --> 00:05:02,052
Well, while romance is a fictive term

76
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:05,472
with no correlation to any
actual physiological behavior,

77
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,349
we nevertheless
like to humor convention

78
00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:11,102
by going through
with these preposterous rituals.

79
00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:15,607
Champagne, huh?

80
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:20,028
Hey, Frasier,
can I ask you something?

81
00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:21,905
When you and Lilith
wake up in the morning,

82
00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:24,950
which one of you is the first
to scream, "What have I done"?

83
00:05:31,289 --> 00:05:33,250
Well, my darling, to us.

84
00:05:33,416 --> 00:05:34,709
Thank you, darling.

85
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,256
It's been a lovely evening.

86
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:43,134
You've revealed previously
unsuspected depths of romanticism.

87
00:05:43,301 --> 00:05:45,637
We have a whole lifetime
of romantic evenings ahead of us,

88
00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:48,348
but for now we've gotta plan.
We don't have much time.

89
00:05:48,515 --> 00:05:51,268
We've got to get the wedding license,
have blood tests,

90
00:05:51,434 --> 00:05:53,436
see the lawyer,
draw up the prenuptial agreement,

91
00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:55,772
- invite the guests. Plan the--
- Excuse me.

92
00:05:57,482 --> 00:05:59,734
What prenuptial agreement?

93
00:05:59,943 --> 00:06:01,111
Well, wherein we decide

94
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:03,822
what you are or are not
entitled to in the event of a divorce.

95
00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:05,240
It's merely a safeguard.

96
00:06:05,448 --> 00:06:07,367
You're already planning
for the divorce?

97
00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:10,912
Have you selected
my cemetery plot also?

98
00:06:11,162 --> 00:06:14,708
Assuming we stay together, you'll be
right between me and cousin Lemuel.

99
00:06:15,625 --> 00:06:19,254
I cannot believe my ears!
This is your idea of romance?

100
00:06:19,504 --> 00:06:21,172
Lilith, man does not live
by romance alone.

101
00:06:21,339 --> 00:06:23,425
He also needs
hard-headed practicality.

102
00:06:23,675 --> 00:06:26,428
If your head was any harder,
it would etch glass.

103
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:29,598
- Where are you going?
- I have no intention

104
00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:33,143
of spending the rest of the evening,
let alone the rest of my life,

105
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:36,062
with a compulsive,
anal-retentive chowderhead.

106
00:06:37,564 --> 00:06:39,566
Now, Lilith,
let's just both stop right now

107
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,652
before we say something
to spoil the mood.

108
00:06:43,236 --> 00:06:45,822
Why don't you go make love
to your accountant?

109
00:06:47,699 --> 00:06:49,492
You know, if more people
followed that advice,

110
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:52,287
this world would be
such a happier place.

111
00:06:54,497 --> 00:06:56,708
You know, I just figured out
what you're doing here.

112
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:59,002
You're using reverse psychology.

113
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:01,338
You really want me to be
in that auction of yours,

114
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:04,049
so you're pretending that you don't.
Am I right?

115
00:07:04,257 --> 00:07:06,760
I don't care if you're in the auction.

116
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:11,139
- I don't care if you're not in the auction.
- Yeah, right.

117
00:07:11,348 --> 00:07:14,059
I have never felt more honestly
and passionately indifferent

118
00:07:14,225 --> 00:07:16,019
about anything in my life.

119
00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:19,189
I really don't care.

120
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:23,193
All right, okay, you win.
I'm volunteering. All right?

121
00:07:29,866 --> 00:07:31,493
And 150. Do I hear 200?

122
00:07:31,701 --> 00:07:32,994
- Two hundred.
- I hear 200.

123
00:07:33,203 --> 00:07:34,537
- Two seventy-five.
- Three.

124
00:07:34,704 --> 00:07:38,166
Okay, I have 300.
Anybody give me 350? I want 350.

125
00:07:38,375 --> 00:07:42,253
No. Okay, 300 it is.
Going once. Going twice.

126
00:07:42,420 --> 00:07:45,298
Sold for $300!

127
00:07:46,716 --> 00:07:49,552
Okay, okay. I'm gonna let you gals
take a breather

128
00:07:49,719 --> 00:07:52,722
while we get the next big hunk
up here on the block.

129
00:07:52,931 --> 00:07:54,182
- Yeah!
- Hey!

130
00:07:55,976 --> 00:07:58,311
Boy, oh, boy. You know,
you can call me a traditionalist,

131
00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,355
call me out of step with the times,

132
00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,857
but I prefer to get my women
the old-fashioned way.

133
00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:05,443
In a plain brown wrapper?

134
00:08:06,528 --> 00:08:07,612
Women.

135
00:08:07,862 --> 00:08:09,489
They can talk all they like
about romance,

136
00:08:09,656 --> 00:08:12,867
but what it really comes down to
is just pure animal lust.

137
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:15,537
Is that supposed to refer to me?

138
00:08:16,538 --> 00:08:19,290
If the shoe fits.

139
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:21,751
Things a little strained
between you two?

140
00:08:21,918 --> 00:08:23,795
Oh, why should you ask that, huh?

141
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:26,881
Just because
she's a pigheaded witch!

142
00:08:29,300 --> 00:08:31,011
So you two kids set a date yet?

143
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:35,974
- This is great.
- What?

144
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,518
We're just $2,000 away
from breaking the record.

145
00:08:38,727 --> 00:08:40,854
- How many guys do we have left?
- Just Sammy.

146
00:08:41,438 --> 00:08:43,023
Oh, well, there's always next year.

147
00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:46,109
Two thousand dollars?

148
00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:48,903
Oh, gee, I might actually
have to comb my hair.

149
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:53,074
Come on, guys, there's no way
he can get that by himself.

150
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:55,910
God, if we just had one more hunk.

151
00:08:57,287 --> 00:09:00,206
All right, all right, all right.

152
00:09:02,876 --> 00:09:06,796
Mr. Clavin,
that is a really sweet gesture,

153
00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:11,509
but isn't there
some regulation against

154
00:09:11,676 --> 00:09:15,597
government employees in uniform
participating in this kind of a thing?

155
00:09:16,222 --> 00:09:18,975
Oh, that is a very salient point,

156
00:09:19,142 --> 00:09:23,104
and one which I came within a hair
of overlooking. I thank you.

157
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:26,274
Boy, I shudder to think
what might have happened.

158
00:09:26,441 --> 00:09:28,318
We all do.

159
00:09:30,653 --> 00:09:32,739
Woody, Woody, what about you?

160
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:35,533
You're young, single, cute.
Come on, Woody, what do you say?

161
00:09:35,700 --> 00:09:38,828
- Oh, gosh, Miss Howe, I...
- Oh, come on.

162
00:09:41,039 --> 00:09:42,332
- Come on, buddy.
- I don't know.

163
00:09:42,499 --> 00:09:44,501
I'm gonna have to give this
some serious thought.

164
00:09:44,667 --> 00:09:47,796
- Well, there isn't time.
- That's okay, I'm finished. I'll do it.

165
00:09:48,046 --> 00:09:51,216
- Good.
- Hey, all right, kid.

166
00:09:51,382 --> 00:09:53,718
Shucks, I hope
I'm not making a mistake.

167
00:09:53,885 --> 00:09:55,762
Yeah, I know what you mean.

168
00:09:55,929 --> 00:10:00,850
Being gawked at and herded around
like a prized pig.

169
00:10:01,142 --> 00:10:05,063
- Gee, now that you put it like that...
- Yeah, sounds great.

170
00:10:05,563 --> 00:10:07,816
Now we have a little bonus
for you ladies.

171
00:10:07,982 --> 00:10:13,780
Please welcome our next
eligible bachelor, Mr. Woody Boyd.

172
00:10:18,993 --> 00:10:20,453
Good evening, ladies.

173
00:10:21,079 --> 00:10:24,666
I happen to be a very good chef,
and your evening with me

174
00:10:24,833 --> 00:10:28,795
will be a wonderful home-cooked
country meal with all the fixings

175
00:10:28,962 --> 00:10:32,132
from my native land, Indiana.

176
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:37,095
And let me just mention
my special ingredient...

177
00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:38,555
Pork.

178
00:10:41,516 --> 00:10:44,644
And please remember,
this is for charity.

179
00:10:46,354 --> 00:10:48,565
- Who'll start at 100?
- One hundred dollars.

180
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:50,233
- One twenty-five.
- One twenty-five.

181
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,152
Excuse me, 200.

182
00:10:52,360 --> 00:10:55,113
I have 200. Do I hear 250?

183
00:10:56,573 --> 00:10:59,284
You know, I think pork might
actually be out of season.

184
00:10:59,492 --> 00:11:01,202
- Two fifty.
- Two seventy-five.

185
00:11:01,369 --> 00:11:02,912
Three.

186
00:11:04,455 --> 00:11:05,999
I have 300. Do I hear 325?

187
00:11:06,249 --> 00:11:07,542
I'm gonna go out on a limb here

188
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:09,836
and say this is not her first time
in a bar.

189
00:11:10,044 --> 00:11:11,880
I have 325 dollars. Do I hear 350?

190
00:11:12,088 --> 00:11:14,465
- Three fifty.
- Three seventy-five.

191
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,926
- Four.
- I have 400.

192
00:11:17,093 --> 00:11:19,429
- Do I hear 450?
- Four fifty.

193
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,438
You can't do that.

194
00:11:28,605 --> 00:11:31,149
Okay, 400. Going once,

195
00:11:31,357 --> 00:11:32,692
going twice.

196
00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:35,195
Sold to the lady right over there.
Yeah!

197
00:11:39,949 --> 00:11:41,159
How do you do?

198
00:11:41,326 --> 00:11:43,578
You better be good.

199
00:11:46,623 --> 00:11:48,416
Yes, ma'am.

200
00:11:49,751 --> 00:11:50,960
Will you excuse me a minute?

201
00:11:51,127 --> 00:11:53,504
I have to do a couple things
before we go.

202
00:11:56,257 --> 00:11:58,509
Cute little gal there, Woody.

203
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:00,136
Hey.

204
00:12:00,345 --> 00:12:02,013
Is it me, or is she a little scary?

205
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:06,684
Woody, the electric chair
is a little scary, all right?

206
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,979
Hey, you know, 400's not bad.

207
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:13,900
Now Sam only has to reach 1,600
to break the record.

208
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,736
The day any woman pays
$1,600 for Malone,

209
00:12:16,903 --> 00:12:19,822
I'll tattoo his name onto my butt.

210
00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,576
Sammy, quick, loan me 1,600 bucks.

211
00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:30,291
And now our grand finale.

212
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:33,002
Former Red Sox great Sam Malone.

213
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:35,672
Come on up here, Sam. Yeah!

214
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,049
The big gun.

215
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:45,390
Thank you, thank you.
Ladies, let's see.

216
00:12:45,556 --> 00:12:49,394
Your enchanted evening with me
will begin with a leisurely sunset drive

217
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,313
up to a small,
secluded, ocean-side inn.

218
00:12:52,563 --> 00:12:57,110
Where we will enjoy
a candlelit romantic dinner for two.

219
00:12:58,486 --> 00:13:01,281
Yes, yes. And then, this being
the beginning of the weekend,

220
00:13:01,447 --> 00:13:04,075
who knows where dinner will lead.

221
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:12,041
Well, hey, does anyone wanna start
the bidding at, say, $100?

222
00:13:12,208 --> 00:13:14,877
I meant $250.

223
00:13:15,336 --> 00:13:17,755
- Two hundred and fifty dollars.
- I have 250.

224
00:13:17,922 --> 00:13:20,341
- Three hundred.
- I have 300. Do I hear 4?

225
00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:23,136
- Five hundred!
- Okay, that's it, we're rolling now.

226
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:25,096
- Five seventy-five.
- Five seventy-five.

227
00:13:25,263 --> 00:13:26,639
- Do we hear 6?
- Six hundred.

228
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:28,224
- Do I hear 650?
- You were saying?

229
00:13:28,391 --> 00:13:32,353
Okay, we have 600. Come on, ladies,
loosen those purse strings.

230
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:34,522
- They've stopped at 600.
- Come on, now, ladies.

231
00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:36,482
- No problem. Six fifty.
- I have 650.

232
00:13:36,649 --> 00:13:38,443
Carla, where are you
gonna get $650?

233
00:13:38,609 --> 00:13:40,194
- Don't need it.
- Seven hundred.

234
00:13:40,445 --> 00:13:41,904
- I hear 700.
- See? All you gotta do

235
00:13:42,071 --> 00:13:44,866
is goose the bidding a little bit
when it starts going down.

236
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:48,161
- Nine hundred dollars.
- Nine hundred.

237
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:53,541
Now, do we have 950?
Come on, ladies. Hot stuff here!

238
00:13:55,752 --> 00:13:58,921
- I have 900. Do I hear 950?
- That's it, they're not going any higher.

239
00:13:59,088 --> 00:14:01,215
- Do we hear 950?
- No problem. Nine fifty.

240
00:14:01,424 --> 00:14:02,675
- I hear 950. Do I hear--?
- Carla!

241
00:14:02,842 --> 00:14:05,636
- One thousand dollars.
- I hear 1,000.

242
00:14:05,845 --> 00:14:08,222
It never fails.
You can keep them going all night.

243
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:11,100
- Eleven hundred dollars.
- Eleven hundred. We are rolling.

244
00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,686
- Twelve hundred!
- Twelve hundred. Do I hear 1250?

245
00:14:13,936 --> 00:14:15,146
Twelve fifty, anyone?

246
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:17,190
Oh, come on, now, ladies.

247
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:20,985
- Twelve fifty.
- Twelve fifty.

248
00:14:27,784 --> 00:14:29,911
Well, well, well.

249
00:14:30,119 --> 00:14:31,746
Thirteen hundred. Do I hear 1,300?

250
00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:33,498
That sly Rebecca, huh?

251
00:14:33,706 --> 00:14:35,416
Quite a date you're
passing up here, ladies.

252
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:37,543
I said 1,250.

253
00:14:37,710 --> 00:14:39,379
Do I hear 1,300?

254
00:14:39,545 --> 00:14:42,548
Come on, now, ladies.

255
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:46,344
You heard the young lady.
Will anyone say 13?

256
00:14:46,552 --> 00:14:47,595
- Not me.
- I'm out.

257
00:14:47,804 --> 00:14:50,515
She wants him more than I do.

258
00:14:51,015 --> 00:14:53,226
- Twelve fifty going once.
- No, please, please.

259
00:14:53,476 --> 00:14:55,061
- Going twice.
- Please.

260
00:14:55,269 --> 00:14:57,105
Twelve fifty going for the last time.

261
00:14:57,313 --> 00:15:00,024
- I bid $2,000.
- Sold!

262
00:15:16,541 --> 00:15:18,501
Yes, we broke the record, Mr. Drake.

263
00:15:19,043 --> 00:15:22,588
Sam, all by himself, got $2,000.

264
00:15:22,755 --> 00:15:25,258
Well, thank you very much.

265
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:28,553
Goodbye, Mr. Drake.

266
00:15:28,970 --> 00:15:32,890
Okay, well, here you go.
It's called Larry's Sanitary Tattoo.

267
00:15:36,352 --> 00:15:40,523
But make sure you ask for Frank.
He likes to do it the old-fashioned way.

268
00:15:40,731 --> 00:15:42,567
You'll scream a lot.

269
00:15:47,029 --> 00:15:49,782
- What do you think you're doing?
- Helping charity.

270
00:15:50,908 --> 00:15:54,537
Don't worry, it's just some money
I had put aside to buy you a ring.

271
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:57,874
You are not actually going
to go off with Sam

272
00:15:58,040 --> 00:15:59,667
to some inn on the Cape
for the weekend?

273
00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:02,462
Why not? Did we have a prenuptial
agreement to the contrary?

274
00:16:02,670 --> 00:16:03,921
No, of course not.

275
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:05,465
Sam?

276
00:16:05,673 --> 00:16:07,592
I understand
we're going to the Cape.

277
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:10,052
I'll just bring the car around.
We can stop at my place

278
00:16:10,219 --> 00:16:11,679
and I'll throw some things in a bag.

279
00:16:11,888 --> 00:16:14,515
Actually, Lilith, you know,
that won't be necessary.

280
00:16:14,682 --> 00:16:16,893
Perhaps not,
but I believe in being prepared.

281
00:16:17,518 --> 00:16:18,936
I hope you do too.

282
00:16:24,317 --> 00:16:27,945
Sammy, looks like you're gonna get
your lobster boiled.

283
00:16:30,615 --> 00:16:33,659
No, I'm not.
She's just doing that to bug Frasier.

284
00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:35,745
Oh, you know,
you could always trade with Woody.

285
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:43,294
I don't think her intentions
are honorable.

286
00:16:44,587 --> 00:16:49,050
Sam. Sam, I've gotta talk to you.
You can't go through with this.

287
00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,010
She's just doing it
to make you jealous.

288
00:16:51,219 --> 00:16:53,387
- Oh, God, I'm losing her.
- No. Would you stop that?

289
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:56,766
I mean, you're my friend. I'm never
gonna take a woman away from you.

290
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,059
What about Diane?

291
00:16:58,267 --> 00:17:00,895
And didn't God punish me
with a vengeance?

292
00:17:05,816 --> 00:17:07,360
Well, yes, but gee whiz.

293
00:17:07,527 --> 00:17:11,197
Oh, come on. Listen, wait a minute.
There's gotta be something.

294
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,908
You know, I tell you what.
This ought to be a chance for me

295
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:16,035
to bring the two of you
together again.

296
00:17:16,244 --> 00:17:18,955
- What do you mean?
- Well, all right, listen.

297
00:17:19,121 --> 00:17:21,082
I'll pretend to go along
with the date, right?

298
00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:25,002
I'll rent the room, I'll get some wine,
and then I'll tell her how great you are.

299
00:17:25,169 --> 00:17:27,338
And then... you burst in on us.

300
00:17:27,505 --> 00:17:29,882
- I do?
- Yeah. Yeah, why not?

301
00:17:30,091 --> 00:17:33,135
I mean, you followed us up there.
It'll prove how crazy you are about her.

302
00:17:33,344 --> 00:17:35,012
She'll be putty in your hands.

303
00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:38,599
- Well, it has a certain panache.
- Yeah.

304
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:40,893
Yeah, there you go.
Here's the address.

305
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:44,814
Now, be up there by 9
and just throw me out of there, man.

306
00:17:44,981 --> 00:17:47,358
- Show me no mercy.
- By God, I'll send you packing!

307
00:17:47,567 --> 00:17:48,651
All right.

308
00:17:48,859 --> 00:17:50,027
Ready to go, Sam?

309
00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:52,113
Yes, yes, you bet.
Yes, sirree. Coming.

310
00:17:52,863 --> 00:17:55,283
I'm eager to get somewhere
we can be alone.

311
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:58,327
Oh, not half as eager as I am.

312
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:01,914
Oh, my God. Look at that, will you?

313
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:06,502
She's smoked about
eight packs of cigarettes.

314
00:18:06,711 --> 00:18:08,296
Where does all the smoke go?

315
00:18:09,213 --> 00:18:11,299
I'm waiting to see
where it comes out.

316
00:18:15,469 --> 00:18:17,346
You guys got any
last-minute advice for me?

317
00:18:17,555 --> 00:18:20,016
Yeah, leave a trail of bread crumbs.

318
00:18:24,854 --> 00:18:27,690
- Little more bubbly here?
- Whatever you suggest, Sam.

319
00:18:27,898 --> 00:18:30,735
I'm agreeable
to anything you suggest.

320
00:18:30,943 --> 00:18:32,194
Well, good, good, good.

321
00:18:32,361 --> 00:18:36,073
Because, quite frankly, I'd like to talk
just a little bit more about Frasier.

322
00:18:36,824 --> 00:18:39,702
You know, one of the qualities
that I admire most about him

323
00:18:39,869 --> 00:18:43,831
is his reliability.
He's always very punctual, isn't he?

324
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:47,627
Frasier, schmasier.
Let's have some fun.

325
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:52,840
Heck of a guy, Frasier.
I'll tell you, lot of remarkable qualities.

326
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:59,930
Let's see, he's faithful, he's devoted.

327
00:19:01,349 --> 00:19:04,060
And he's musical too.
Very musical guy, you know.

328
00:19:04,226 --> 00:19:07,396
He's always whistling something
or singing some tune, you know.

329
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:11,651
Or making that funny little
chirping noise he makes with his lips.

330
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,698
- What are you doing?
- It's too bright.

331
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:21,786
Talk about bright, I tell you...

332
00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:25,498
Frasier's just about the brightest guy
I've ever met.

333
00:19:25,706 --> 00:19:27,958
You don't mind if we turn
some of these back on, do you?

334
00:19:28,167 --> 00:19:30,127
In case we wanna
read later or something?

335
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:32,546
Hey, you know,
Frasier reads a lot, doesn't he?

336
00:19:34,215 --> 00:19:36,384
Sam, we've talked enough
about Frasier.

337
00:19:36,592 --> 00:19:37,843
Let's talk about you.

338
00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:39,720
Oh, me, well, I'm just a...

339
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,516
An ordinary guy who happens
to respect and admire

340
00:19:43,724 --> 00:19:46,352
the hell out of Frasier, I tell you.

341
00:19:46,560 --> 00:19:47,770
- Smell good?
- You bet.

342
00:19:47,978 --> 00:19:49,605
I sniff him every time
he comes in the bar.

343
00:19:52,900 --> 00:19:54,735
- Listen to that music.
- Yeah.

344
00:19:54,902 --> 00:19:57,238
Makes me wanna do
uninhibited things.

345
00:20:00,658 --> 00:20:03,160
Well, you know, that just about
wraps up our date here.

346
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:06,038
I hope you don't feel ripped off,
but I think we ought to get back.

347
00:20:06,247 --> 00:20:07,915
What's your hurry, sailor?

348
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:10,084
Well, I just thought that...

349
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:12,044
All right, good.
Yeah, check around the bed.

350
00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,963
Make sure you haven't
left anything there.

351
00:20:15,172 --> 00:20:18,634
Then, you know, to tell you the truth,
it's getting kind of late. I'd like to--

352
00:20:18,843 --> 00:20:20,261
I'd like to drive back.

353
00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:22,096
What are you doing--?

354
00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:26,809
That's very funny.
Lilith, may I have my keys, please?

355
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:28,310
Lilith, stop it. I'm serious.

356
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,396
Lilith, I want...

357
00:20:31,272 --> 00:20:33,983
Lilith, I-- Don't-- I'm very serious.

358
00:20:34,150 --> 00:20:36,861
Now, listen to the tone of my voice.
Give me my car keys.

359
00:20:37,027 --> 00:20:39,405
Oh, don't. Stop.

360
00:20:39,822 --> 00:20:42,867
Why do you wanna go back?
We have such a nice room here.

361
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:47,037
Nice?
I wouldn't let a dog sleep here.

362
00:20:48,956 --> 00:20:51,625
Well, maybe the curtains
aren't that bad.

363
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:55,296
Feel that music, Sam.

364
00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:59,633
- Lift me down.
- Well, all right. Oh, this, oh...

365
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:02,052
Dance with me.

366
00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:04,305
I don't think that's such a good idea.

367
00:21:08,350 --> 00:21:10,644
Well, maybe just a little bit.

368
00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:16,400
Do you know what I always have the
urge to do whenever I see you, Sam?

369
00:21:16,650 --> 00:21:18,861
- Oh, please don't tell me.
- Unbutton your shirt.

370
00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:21,155
No, oh, well...

371
00:21:21,322 --> 00:21:24,825
Boy, they didn't set the clocks back
and forget to tell me, did they?

372
00:21:24,992 --> 00:21:27,161
Did you read
<i>Lady Chatterley's Lover?</i>

373
00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,121
<i>Lady Chatterley's Lover.</i>

374
00:21:29,288 --> 00:21:31,415
Yes, matter of fact, I did read that.

375
00:21:31,582 --> 00:21:32,708
Or parts of it, at least.

376
00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:36,796
I have the strangest desire
to twine flowers in your chest hair.

377
00:21:36,962 --> 00:21:39,924
- Then deflower you.
- Listen, Lilith, don't you--?

378
00:21:42,843 --> 00:21:44,720
Oh, boy.

379
00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:53,020
I found you--!

380
00:21:55,439 --> 00:21:56,899
Kissing!

381
00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,652
Got her all warmed up
for you there, Fras.

382
00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:02,363
And yourself in the process, I see.

383
00:22:02,571 --> 00:22:04,365
- Come on.
- Malone, let's just step outside,

384
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:07,159
- settle this like gentlemen.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous, man.

385
00:22:07,368 --> 00:22:09,495
Please do me the honor
of pulling up your pants.

386
00:22:09,495 --> 00:22:10,329
All right, I will.

387
00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:14,250
- What is going on here?
- I might ask you the same.

388
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,377
Look, I'll ask the questions
around here.

389
00:22:16,585 --> 00:22:18,462
Would you two stop sniping,
for goodness' sake?

390
00:22:18,629 --> 00:22:21,799
Do you have any idea
how ridiculous you look?

391
00:22:26,053 --> 00:22:27,596
You two were actually going to do--?

392
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:30,182
Oh, of course not.
That was only for your sake.

393
00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:32,768
What?
You mean you knew I was coming?

394
00:22:33,352 --> 00:22:37,356
Frasier, darling, yin to my yang,
I know your mind as I know my own.

395
00:22:37,940 --> 00:22:39,316
Of course I knew you'd come.

396
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:41,694
I knew you could do no other.

397
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:45,990
Besides, I could hear your muffler
behind us all the way up Route 3.

398
00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:49,618
Oh, what a joke on me.

399
00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:54,206
What a cruel, wonderful joke on me.

400
00:22:54,957 --> 00:22:56,709
Why, Lilith, why?

401
00:22:56,917 --> 00:23:00,379
Because I was angry
about that prenuptial agreement.

402
00:23:00,588 --> 00:23:02,047
- And hurt.
- Look, I'm sorry

403
00:23:02,214 --> 00:23:04,592
I ever brought that up
in the first place.

404
00:23:04,758 --> 00:23:07,928
It's just that I've seen
so many failed marriages.

405
00:23:09,722 --> 00:23:11,432
I just wanted
some insurance, I guess.

406
00:23:13,142 --> 00:23:16,854
Of course, I forgot
I'm marrying the perfect woman.

407
00:23:21,692 --> 00:23:24,194
Don't forget that, Frasier.

408
00:23:24,862 --> 00:23:28,407
And I certainly didn't mean
to hurt you with Sam.

409
00:23:29,366 --> 00:23:31,410
By the way, what took you
so long getting here?

410
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:35,080
Oh, well, when I first arrived,
I went to the wrong room.

411
00:23:37,708 --> 00:23:41,003
By the way, we're having breakfast
with Jack and Peggy in number eight.

412
00:23:42,838 --> 00:23:44,798
I'm paying.

413
00:23:44,965 --> 00:23:47,593
Frasier, you dear, sweet ninny.

414
00:23:50,137 --> 00:23:52,932
- I do love you, you know.
- And I you.