1
00:00:00,918 --> 00:00:04,254
Cheers <i>is filmed
before a live studio audience.</i>

2
00:00:06,215 --> 00:00:07,257
Sorry I'm late.

3
00:00:07,799 --> 00:00:10,427
Boy, you will not believe
what happened to me.

4
00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:15,015
I made a right-hand turn onto Boylston
and ran right into this stupid parade.

5
00:00:15,182 --> 00:00:16,892
Then my car backfired,

6
00:00:17,100 --> 00:00:20,270
and it scared the tar out of these
two cute little poodles in tutus

7
00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:21,730
that were dancing by.

8
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:24,775
Dancing poodles.

9
00:00:24,942 --> 00:00:27,986
Yeah. Anyway,
the dogs spooked and ran away,

10
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:31,031
and this cute little girl in blue sequins
ran after them,

11
00:00:31,198 --> 00:00:34,910
right in front of this little car
full of clowns that swerved to miss her,

12
00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:37,496
and the car ran right in front
of this elephant.

13
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The elephant reared up,

14
00:00:39,623 --> 00:00:42,793
threw this swami guy off
that was riding on his tusk.

15
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:47,422
Sam, this is the lamest excuse
you have ever given me.

16
00:00:47,839 --> 00:00:49,758
Why don't you just say,
"I'm sorry, Rebecca,

17
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,760
I overslept. It won't happen again."

18
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:53,262
It really makes me--

19
00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:05,816
I'm sorry, Rebecca, I just overslept.
It won't happen again.

20
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:22,392
Frasier, I'm double-parked outside.

21
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:24,144
Finish your drink and let's go.

22
00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:25,979
In a minute.
I've just touched my glass.

23
00:02:26,146 --> 00:02:27,773
Don't balk, Jelly Bear.

24
00:02:29,358 --> 00:02:31,234
I'm not balking, Moon Pie.

25
00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:35,739
I'm simply trying to finish my drink.

26
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:38,200
You'd understand if you'd had
as trying a day as I've had.

27
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The kind of day you've had?

28
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:43,705
Lord, if I hear one more yuppie
snivel about his inability to love,

29
00:02:43,872 --> 00:02:45,123
I'll smack him.

30
00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:51,963
I saw nine clients today
with no lunch.

31
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:55,133
I saw ten. Fifteen if you count
multiple personalities.

32
00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:58,053
- Yeah? Well, you should have tried--
- Hey, hey, come on, please.

33
00:02:58,220 --> 00:03:01,348
You're a little tense. You gotta relax.
Take a few days off, you know.

34
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:04,643
- Maybe a vacation or something.
- A vacation?

35
00:03:04,810 --> 00:03:06,144
You make it sound so easy, Sam.

36
00:03:06,311 --> 00:03:08,146
As if one could just
pick up just like that.

37
00:03:08,480 --> 00:03:10,899
We are professionals
with commitments and obligations.

38
00:03:11,066 --> 00:03:12,651
We have patients
who depend upon us.

39
00:03:12,818 --> 00:03:15,362
- I'll clear my schedule if you will.
- Nassau or St. Thomas?

40
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:18,782
- Let's go talk to the travel agent.
- There you go. Have a good time.

41
00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:20,242
Has anybody seen Woody?

42
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:22,035
He was scheduled to be here at six.

43
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,037
- He's gonna be late.
- Good God, people,

44
00:03:24,204 --> 00:03:26,540
I don't even know why I bother
to prepare a work schedule.

45
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:29,126
Everybody just comes
and goes as they damn well please.

46
00:03:29,292 --> 00:03:31,503
Yeah, yeah,
he did send these though.

47
00:03:32,337 --> 00:03:34,631
"I'm sorry I'm late.
Please dock my pay."

48
00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:36,967
Now this is the way to be late.

49
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:43,056
Where is the little... anyway?

50
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:44,933
I don't know.

51
00:03:46,393 --> 00:03:47,853
Oh, no, Sam.

52
00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,397
I've been a mother for 18 years.

53
00:03:50,564 --> 00:03:53,275
When someone says,
"I don't know" like that, they know.

54
00:03:53,442 --> 00:03:55,736
Cough it up or I'm gonna
get it out of you another way.

55
00:03:55,902 --> 00:03:57,571
I don't know. I'm telling the tru--

56
00:03:57,738 --> 00:03:59,489
All right, all right, all right.

57
00:03:59,656 --> 00:04:01,700
He's auditioning for a play.

58
00:04:01,867 --> 00:04:04,077
- A play?
- Yeah.

59
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:05,996
Hicky McHick from Hicksville
wants to act?

60
00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:09,875
No, no, no. He's been hanging out
at this little local playhouse.

61
00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:11,960
You know, doing all the odds
and ends.

62
00:04:12,127 --> 00:04:16,089
Sweeping, cleaning toilets,
everything no one else wants to do.

63
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:18,425
I wonder if Woody would like to act
over at my house.

64
00:04:22,554 --> 00:04:24,055
All right-- Hey, wait, here he comes.

65
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,683
He's very sensitive about this.
Don't say anything about his acting.

66
00:04:28,477 --> 00:04:30,604
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Woody.

67
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:33,732
If I'd known you wanted a role so bad,
I would've stopped at the bakery.

68
00:04:33,940 --> 00:04:35,066
Sam.

69
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,989
I'm sorry.
But how did the audition go?

70
00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:44,159
Great. I said my lines
faster than anyone else.

71
00:04:46,745 --> 00:04:49,206
Woodman, when did you get bit
by the old acting bug?

72
00:04:49,372 --> 00:04:51,374
Well, back in high school
in Hanover.

73
00:04:51,541 --> 00:04:54,795
I was in the chorus of the senior
class production of <i>Hello, Donald.</i>

74
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,380
Isn't that <i>Hello, Dolly?</i>

75
00:04:57,589 --> 00:04:59,132
Oh, no, no, they had
to change the name.

76
00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,676
Donald Wexler was the only guy
who could sing the part.

77
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:06,515
So, what's this play
you tried out for?

78
00:05:06,681 --> 00:05:08,058
Well, it's a brand-new one.

79
00:05:08,225 --> 00:05:09,601
It's called <i>Authors in Hell.</i>

80
00:05:10,435 --> 00:05:12,479
I'm hoping to play
either Mark Twain,

81
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:15,690
one of the guys from
the Algonquin Round Table, or Satan.

82
00:05:17,776 --> 00:05:20,320
Heck, I'd be just as happy
playing a fire-breathing incubus.

83
00:05:20,529 --> 00:05:22,572
They get to stay on-stage
the whole four hours.

84
00:05:26,785 --> 00:05:28,703
Hey, hey, that's my director,
Grif Palmer.

85
00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,372
This must mean I got the part.

86
00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,123
Or that he's thirsty.

87
00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:35,961
Hi, Mr. Palmer.

88
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:37,212
Can I get you a drink?

89
00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:39,422
- No, thanks.
- I got the part!

90
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,553
Woody, you're a multi-talented
young man.

91
00:05:44,970 --> 00:05:46,096
I didn't get the part?

92
00:05:51,184 --> 00:05:54,271
Well, you know, I've tried out so many
times, and I've never gotten a part.

93
00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:56,565
Maybe I'm just wasting my time
in the theatre.

94
00:05:56,731 --> 00:05:58,942
Come on, Woody,
don't give up so easily.

95
00:05:59,150 --> 00:06:02,404
Once upon a time, there was
a young man named Grif Palmer

96
00:06:02,571 --> 00:06:06,366
who also auditioned
for many a role that he didn't get.

97
00:06:06,658 --> 00:06:09,536
- As many as me?
- Well, no.

98
00:06:11,955 --> 00:06:13,832
Wait, wait, I've got a thought.

99
00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:17,586
What would you say if I told you
I've selected a fresh new face

100
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,130
to understudy the role
of Mark Twain?

101
00:06:20,297 --> 00:06:24,259
I think you'll be hearing his name
quite a bit from now on.

102
00:06:24,426 --> 00:06:26,386
Mr. Woody Boyd.

103
00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:29,514
Hey, that's me! Hey, everybody,
I'm going to be an understudy.

104
00:06:29,681 --> 00:06:31,349
Hey. All right, man, that's great.

105
00:06:31,516 --> 00:06:33,184
- All right, Woods.
- Yeah.

106
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,729
Woody, this isn't going to interfere
with your job, is it?

107
00:06:36,146 --> 00:06:38,023
Gee, I don't think so.

108
00:06:38,189 --> 00:06:40,984
Well, yeah.

109
00:06:42,652 --> 00:06:45,071
I'm sorry, Woody,
I need you here nights.

110
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:47,616
Miss Howe, this is my golden chance.

111
00:06:47,782 --> 00:06:49,326
I have to do this.

112
00:06:49,492 --> 00:06:53,371
Don't you understand?
I just gotta do it. I just gotta!

113
00:06:58,084 --> 00:06:59,127
That was really good, man.

114
00:06:59,294 --> 00:07:00,921
Can I talk to you just for a second?

115
00:07:02,839 --> 00:07:03,882
Let him do it.

116
00:07:04,049 --> 00:07:06,009
I would love to,
but I need him here.

117
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:08,219
Well, he'll be here.
You saw that performance.

118
00:07:08,386 --> 00:07:10,764
They're not gonna let him go on.

119
00:07:12,682 --> 00:07:13,767
Break a leg, Woody.

120
00:07:13,934 --> 00:07:15,602
All right!

121
00:07:15,769 --> 00:07:17,354
Welcome to the theatre, Woody.

122
00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:19,731
To the ranks
of the Lunts and the Oliviers,

123
00:07:19,898 --> 00:07:21,775
to a profession ripe with style,

124
00:07:21,942 --> 00:07:23,902
with history, with dignity.

125
00:07:24,069 --> 00:07:29,366
To a calling I only hope will bring you
as much joy as it has brought me.

126
00:07:31,910 --> 00:07:34,079
- Hi.
- Hello.

127
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:36,164
- You know Grif Palmer?
- Yeah.

128
00:07:36,331 --> 00:07:38,500
He's the janitor at my kids' school.

129
00:07:47,258 --> 00:07:50,637
Hello, good-mannered
and agreeable children.

130
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:54,766
Hey, everybody, look who's here.

131
00:07:54,933 --> 00:07:58,269
It's that famous actor
Robert DeZero.

132
00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:02,774
No, Carla, it's me, Woody.

133
00:08:02,941 --> 00:08:07,028
Woody, you have been coming in here
dressed in that ridiculous get-up

134
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:09,906
for three weeks. Now, when are
you gonna stop this nonsense?

135
00:08:10,407 --> 00:08:12,200
Carla, as an understudy,
I have to be dressed

136
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,494
and ready to go on
at a moment's notice.

137
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:18,039
Putting on makeup like this
can take hours,

138
00:08:18,206 --> 00:08:19,958
but I wouldn't expect you
to understand.

139
00:08:20,125 --> 00:08:22,669
Why? Because
I'm not in the theatre?

140
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,379
No, because
you don't wear makeup.

141
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,508
Huckleberry alert.

142
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:29,843
Hey, Mark Twit.

143
00:08:32,721 --> 00:08:34,764
Woody, would you run upstairs
and get some change?

144
00:08:34,931 --> 00:08:37,183
Ones and fives,
new bills if they've got them.

145
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:40,270
Let us not be too particular.

146
00:08:40,895 --> 00:08:44,733
It is better to have old, second-hand
diamonds than none at all.

147
00:08:44,941 --> 00:08:47,027
Do you think you could manage it
without any quotes?

148
00:08:47,694 --> 00:08:50,238
I could do it as easy
as falling off a log.

149
00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,782
Woody, just do it!

150
00:08:52,949 --> 00:08:56,036
When angry, count four.
When very angry, swear.

151
00:08:56,202 --> 00:08:58,580
- Damn it!
- There you go.

152
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,168
Sam, run upstairs
and get me some change.

153
00:09:03,334 --> 00:09:05,670
Oh, come on,
that's the junior bartender's job.

154
00:09:05,837 --> 00:09:07,672
You are the junior bartender.

155
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,049
Oh, right. Yeah.

156
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:12,302
Yeah, but I'm working my way up,
you know.

157
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:16,181
Pretty soon I might even own
my own bar.

158
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,311
Good evening, ma'am.

159
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,104
Oh, hello there.

160
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,733
Oh, thank you.

161
00:09:26,900 --> 00:09:29,360
I'm blind as a bat without glasses.

162
00:09:29,527 --> 00:09:31,905
I've never seen a bat with glasses.

163
00:09:34,783 --> 00:09:35,950
That's funny.

164
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,369
Yeah, I can imagine.

165
00:09:42,415 --> 00:09:44,501
I believe it might rain soon.

166
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:47,587
One of the brightest gems
in the New England weather

167
00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,547
is the dazzling uncertainty of it.

168
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:51,549
Well, what can you do?

169
00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,176
Everybody talks about the weather,

170
00:09:53,343 --> 00:09:55,178
but no one ever does anything
about it.

171
00:09:57,639 --> 00:10:00,517
May I have
a glass of white wine, please?

172
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:04,229
Wine, white wine.

173
00:10:04,395 --> 00:10:05,480
Let's see now.

174
00:10:05,647 --> 00:10:07,857
They have a lot of wine
in San Francisco, don't they?

175
00:10:08,024 --> 00:10:09,275
Oh, I suppose they do.

176
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:13,279
One of the coldest winters I ever
spent was summer in San Francisco.

177
00:10:15,323 --> 00:10:17,867
Sorry, that's close as I could get.

178
00:10:18,034 --> 00:10:19,786
You're rather amusing.

179
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:22,664
Oh, thanks,
but I've been quoting Mark Twain.

180
00:10:22,872 --> 00:10:25,458
I know. I think that's amusing.

181
00:10:27,085 --> 00:10:31,381
And I suppose that you've been told
that you look something like him.

182
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:32,674
Yeah, I get that a lot.

183
00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:37,595
You know, you look a little bit
like Emily Dickinson.

184
00:10:37,762 --> 00:10:41,599
- She's one of the authors in hell.
- Oh, that's an unkind assumption, sir.

185
00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:48,106
Although she's never been
one of my favorites either.

186
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:50,608
Here's your change

187
00:10:50,775 --> 00:10:52,861
and, oh, yeah,
a little something for you here.

188
00:10:53,069 --> 00:10:55,613
- What is it?
- One of the shrimps from the buffet.

189
00:10:58,741 --> 00:11:00,910
You're lucky.
My first choice was an oyster.

190
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:03,079
So was mine,
but I hired you.

191
00:11:05,874 --> 00:11:07,500
I haven't seen you
in here before, have I?

192
00:11:07,709 --> 00:11:11,963
No, I don't get around much since
my husband, Lloyd, passed away.

193
00:11:12,380 --> 00:11:14,841
We used to come by here
every evening during our walk,

194
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:17,177
but Lloyd never let us come in.

195
00:11:17,343 --> 00:11:19,637
He got jealous
when I was around other men.

196
00:11:20,096 --> 00:11:21,389
I can see why.

197
00:11:21,556 --> 00:11:24,475
Oh, for heaven's sakes.

198
00:11:25,643 --> 00:11:26,895
Oh, I think you're blushing.

199
00:11:27,061 --> 00:11:29,355
Oh, it's the wine.

200
00:11:31,524 --> 00:11:37,280
Although, as Mark Twain said,
"Man is the only animal that blushes."

201
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:38,489
Or needs to.

202
00:11:41,868 --> 00:11:44,287
All aboard the <i>S.S. Delmonico,</i>

203
00:11:45,038 --> 00:11:48,458
embarking at 0900 hours for Nassau,
St. Thomas, Martinique,

204
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:50,418
and other exotic ports of call.

205
00:11:55,089 --> 00:11:56,799
So you took my advice, huh?

206
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:59,636
Yes, as of close of business today,
it's just us.

207
00:11:59,844 --> 00:12:02,430
A couple of fun-loving swabbies
lost at sea.

208
00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:04,349
We'll be <i>Todo incommunicado.</i>

209
00:12:04,515 --> 00:12:07,977
No business, no clients,
no phone call--

210
00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,980
Lilith, we promised no beepers.

211
00:12:11,147 --> 00:12:12,815
I won't give it up without a fight.

212
00:12:13,858 --> 00:12:15,777
You'll have to perform a strip search.

213
00:12:16,194 --> 00:12:17,862
The vacation has begun.

214
00:12:18,863 --> 00:12:21,241
Now hear this. Hear this, Sternin,

215
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:23,534
prepare to be boarded.

216
00:12:33,461 --> 00:12:36,714
Folks, I have a bit of bad news
that may affect a lot of you.

217
00:12:38,091 --> 00:12:39,550
I'm not gonna beat around the bush.

218
00:12:39,717 --> 00:12:41,386
I'm just gonna
come right out and say it.

219
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:43,429
Last call.

220
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:49,560
Well, what the heck.

221
00:12:49,727 --> 00:12:53,690
Maybe I'll give Vera a thrill
and go home a little early tonight.

222
00:12:54,816 --> 00:12:57,694
Although, you know,
she did look kind of thrilled when I left.

223
00:13:00,697 --> 00:13:01,864
Excuse me, Mary.

224
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:05,034
Listen, I'll be back in a second
and then I'll see you home.

225
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:07,203
Oh, that's all right.

226
00:13:07,370 --> 00:13:11,332
But thank you.
I've had a wonderful evening.

227
00:13:11,499 --> 00:13:12,542
Well, I have too.

228
00:13:12,709 --> 00:13:14,127
I really enjoyed your company.

229
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:17,463
- You're a very nice lady.
- And you're a lovely gentleman.

230
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,133
And, may I add, you have
the most glorious head of hair

231
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:22,885
I've seen on any man
since my Lloyd died.

232
00:13:23,928 --> 00:13:26,222
Gee, I hate to disappoint you,
but this is a wig.

233
00:13:26,431 --> 00:13:28,599
Yes, so was Lloyd's.

234
00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:34,605
Pardon me, ma'am,

235
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:37,483
but that adorable
bartender over there...

236
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:39,235
- Woody?
- Yes.

237
00:13:39,402 --> 00:13:42,113
Is he keeping company
with anyone in particular?

238
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:46,617
- Not that I know of.
- Well, I think he's very special.

239
00:13:46,784 --> 00:13:49,996
Well, I guess
that's the nicest way of putting it.

240
00:13:51,497 --> 00:13:54,000
- Good night.
- Good night.

241
00:13:57,754 --> 00:13:59,255
Oh, Woods.

242
00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:04,469
You know that dust in a dress
you've been yakking with?

243
00:14:07,430 --> 00:14:09,974
- Mary?
- You didn't by any chance

244
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:14,103
happen to tell her that you're wearing
old man makeup for a play, did you?

245
00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:17,732
That sort of thing is pretty hard
to work into polite conversation.

246
00:14:18,941 --> 00:14:21,027
With your makeup,
and the lighting in here,

247
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:25,448
and those Mr. Magoo glasses
of hers, I think she got the wrong idea.

248
00:14:25,615 --> 00:14:27,492
She's got the hots for you.

249
00:14:28,284 --> 00:14:30,078
Carla, you're crazy.

250
00:14:30,244 --> 00:14:33,206
She's just a sad old woman
who needed someone to talk to.

251
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:35,375
You of all people
should understand that.

252
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,298
There's no way
she's gonna go for me.

253
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:44,634
I mean, in order for her
to fall in love with me,

254
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,720
I'd have to be
the best darn actor in Boston.

255
00:14:54,977 --> 00:14:59,565
Oh, no, I'm the best darn actor
in Boston.

256
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,284
Hello, man.

257
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,664
I'm sorry,
limbo night is Tuesday, man.

258
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:17,417
Stop with the bad mouth styling
or I'm gonna bop you on the head

259
00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:18,751
with the banana boat, man.

260
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:22,171
Frasier, please cut the calypso.

261
00:15:22,380 --> 00:15:25,883
Isn't it enough the cab driver
already took a swing at you?

262
00:15:26,759 --> 00:15:28,094
You guys look like
you had a good time.

263
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,429
We had oodles of fun.

264
00:15:29,637 --> 00:15:32,432
And we lost
a combined 11 pounds to boot.

265
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:34,308
Wait a minute,
you lost weight on a cruise?

266
00:15:34,475 --> 00:15:36,060
I heard there are wall-to-wall meals.

267
00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:38,229
There are also wall-to-wall waves.

268
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:43,651
Yes. Well, fortunately, after three days
of giving Chef Hugo's fine cuisine

269
00:15:43,818 --> 00:15:46,737
back to the sea, we were fitted
with these little ear patches.

270
00:15:46,904 --> 00:15:48,156
They seemed to do the trick.

271
00:15:48,322 --> 00:15:50,658
And put us to sleep
for the rest of the trip.

272
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:55,997
So you guys spent seven days
and nights snoozing and barfing

273
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:58,207
your way through the Caribbean?

274
00:15:59,333 --> 00:16:01,878
And we've never felt slimmer
and more refreshed.

275
00:16:02,420 --> 00:16:05,590
Well, what say we go and get some
lunch there, my little marine melon?

276
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:07,258
Anything you want.

277
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:10,178
Just promise me you won't
refer to the waitress as "sister."

278
00:16:12,388 --> 00:16:14,182
<i>Day-o, day-o</i>

279
00:16:14,348 --> 00:16:16,559
<i>Daylight come
And me want to go home</i>

280
00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,769
You're not the only one.

281
00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:24,400
Oh, hey, Woody,
I thought your play closed.

282
00:16:24,567 --> 00:16:26,360
It did last night.

283
00:16:26,527 --> 00:16:29,071
Well, so,
what's with the old-geezer drag?

284
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:30,364
I was with Mary.

285
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:32,658
- Another date, huh?
- It wasn't a date.

286
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,453
I just took her to lunch,
then a movie and then dancing.

287
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:40,333
Hey, Woody, Woody, Woody, man,
this is crazy.

288
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:42,877
You know, you've been out
with Mary every night this week.

289
00:16:43,044 --> 00:16:46,088
You can't spend your life
dressed up like Mark Twain.

290
00:16:46,255 --> 00:16:47,590
Why not? He did.

291
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:53,095
Oh, Sam, I don't know what to do.

292
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:54,972
I've tried to tell her,
but every time I do,

293
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:57,725
she just stares at me
with those big lonely eyes.

294
00:16:57,892 --> 00:17:00,770
Man, who would have thought
that my God-given acting talent

295
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,563
was gonna turn out to be a curse?

296
00:17:02,730 --> 00:17:04,357
Are we voting?

297
00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,027
You gotta nip this in the bud.

298
00:17:08,194 --> 00:17:09,946
Yeah. Yeah, I agree there, Woody.

299
00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:13,282
For a young man such as yourself
to be spending so much time

300
00:17:13,449 --> 00:17:16,202
with an older woman is...
It's just unnatural.

301
00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:17,912
Yeah, well, how about you, Cliff?

302
00:17:18,120 --> 00:17:20,331
You spend lots of time
with your mother and she's old.

303
00:17:21,415 --> 00:17:23,584
My mom's not old
and she's never gonna die before I do,

304
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:25,169
so just shut up, okay?

305
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:34,262
Hey, hey, Woods,
Mary just came in.

306
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:35,930
Maybe you should get her a glass
of something.

307
00:17:36,097 --> 00:17:37,598
She doesn't drink in the afternoon.

308
00:17:37,765 --> 00:17:39,475
No, I mean to put her teeth in.

309
00:17:43,688 --> 00:17:45,356
- Hi, Mary.
- Hi.

310
00:17:45,523 --> 00:17:48,025
- What are you doing here?
- I just wanted to see you again.

311
00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,360
Yeah.

312
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,696
Can we sit down?
I'd like to talk with you a second.

313
00:17:51,862 --> 00:17:53,030
All right.

314
00:17:55,950 --> 00:17:59,829
Listen, I know how lonely you've been
since Lloyd passed away.

315
00:17:59,996 --> 00:18:01,998
Oh, how lonely I was.

316
00:18:02,164 --> 00:18:03,374
I'm not anymore.

317
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:08,296
You know,

318
00:18:09,422 --> 00:18:11,799
loneliness is highly underrated.

319
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:16,012
It's one of the few things left
that you can still do alone.

320
00:18:16,178 --> 00:18:17,805
Did Mark Twain say that?

321
00:18:17,972 --> 00:18:20,600
Well, no, but I'm kind of
running out of his material.

322
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,312
Now, there's something
I want to give you.

323
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,064
It's Lloyd's watch.

324
00:18:27,231 --> 00:18:29,358
I want you to have it.

325
00:18:29,525 --> 00:18:32,737
- No, I couldn't. I couldn't.
- Oh, please.

326
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:34,780
Gee, thanks, Mary.

327
00:18:36,532 --> 00:18:38,951
- Would you excuse me for a second?
- Sure.

328
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:41,495
Oh, wait.

329
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:45,541
I just want to memorize
the way you look in this light.

330
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:49,253
Go ahead.

331
00:18:55,092 --> 00:18:56,427
Sam, I don't know what to do.

332
00:18:56,594 --> 00:18:59,263
Now she's memorizing the way
I look in different kinds of light.

333
00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:01,974
Oh, I don't know, Woody.
Women do that all the time.

334
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:04,310
Yeah, and she gave me
her dead husband's watch.

335
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,940
You could do a lot worse.

336
00:19:12,485 --> 00:19:14,195
Listen, you gotta end this.

337
00:19:14,362 --> 00:19:15,821
Right now. Go on.

338
00:19:16,030 --> 00:19:17,073
I don't know how.

339
00:19:17,239 --> 00:19:19,867
I can't stand the thought
of hurting somebody's feelings.

340
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:21,243
I know.

341
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:22,787
Carla, you've been dumped
a million times.

342
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:24,038
What's the best way to do it?

343
00:19:26,707 --> 00:19:29,210
You know, the only reason
I'm not cleaning your clock

344
00:19:29,377 --> 00:19:32,004
is because you remind me
of Jed Clampett.

345
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:37,176
Listen, you are not dumping her,
you're leveling with her.

346
00:19:37,343 --> 00:19:38,969
Now, it's the only honest thing to do.

347
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,013
Now, go on, be a man. Do it.

348
00:19:42,473 --> 00:19:44,100
You're right, Sam.

349
00:19:44,266 --> 00:19:47,311
It's time I stood on my own two feet
and did what's right.

350
00:19:47,478 --> 00:19:48,646
Right.

351
00:19:48,813 --> 00:19:50,773
Will you come with me?

352
00:19:51,565 --> 00:19:53,109
This is something
you gotta do yourself.

353
00:19:53,275 --> 00:19:55,528
- I can't.
- Woody-- I'm not gonna do it, Woody.

354
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,029
- Please, Sam.
- No, man.

355
00:19:57,196 --> 00:19:59,240
I can't do this by myself.
You gotta help me.

356
00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:02,493
- All right, all right, I'm sorry.
- Thank you.

357
00:20:02,660 --> 00:20:04,745
Can you believe
I'm just an understudy?

358
00:20:10,209 --> 00:20:11,585
- Mary?
- Yes.

359
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:14,088
Woody wants to tell you something.

360
00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:17,800
Well...

361
00:20:17,967 --> 00:20:19,885
Mary, you see...

362
00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,514
I mean, you know how...?

363
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:28,269
I don't suppose there's any chance you
understand what I'm talking about yet?

364
00:20:28,728 --> 00:20:31,021
Actually, I do.

365
00:20:31,188 --> 00:20:33,357
Let me explain
something to you, Woody.

366
00:20:35,776 --> 00:20:38,946
I'm a very lonely woman
since I lost my husband.

367
00:20:39,739 --> 00:20:43,284
My family lives out of state,
I never see my grandchildren,

368
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:47,246
and most of my friends
have moved or passed away.

369
00:20:47,413 --> 00:20:50,166
Seems my days are so hard to fill.

370
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:52,168
I swear, there were mornings

371
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:54,712
when it didn't seem worthwhile
getting out of bed.

372
00:20:54,879 --> 00:20:57,465
- And then I met you--
- Stop, stop.

373
00:20:57,631 --> 00:20:59,008
Will you marry me?

374
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:05,139
Heavens, no.

375
00:21:05,723 --> 00:21:07,850
I'm three times your age.

376
00:21:08,642 --> 00:21:10,019
You know that I'm young?

377
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:13,147
Well, Woody, I may be old,
but I'm not stupid.

378
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:18,068
Well, why didn't you
ever tell me this?

379
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:22,823
Well, I enjoyed your company so,
and besides, every time I wanted to,

380
00:21:22,990 --> 00:21:26,535
you started quoting "The Jumping Frog
of Calaveras County."

381
00:21:27,077 --> 00:21:30,122
Now, I hope
you're not upset with me.

382
00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:33,167
Oh, are you kidding? I'm just glad
I didn't have to dump you.

383
00:21:34,084 --> 00:21:37,963
Besides, you had such fun playing
the part, and you were quite excellent.

384
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:40,049
You sure you don't want
to marry me?

385
00:21:40,216 --> 00:21:41,801
No, Woody.

386
00:21:42,009 --> 00:21:43,761
Then will you be my grandma?

387
00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:46,347
Oh, well, maybe a favorite aunt.

388
00:21:46,514 --> 00:21:47,932
All right, it's a deal.

389
00:21:49,016 --> 00:21:51,435
My birthday's July 23rd.

390
00:21:53,020 --> 00:21:55,523
I just gave you the watch.

391
00:21:57,608 --> 00:22:02,071
By the way, we're still on
for pot roast on Saturday.

392
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:04,865
Leave the wig at home.

393
00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:09,370
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

394
00:22:12,248 --> 00:22:15,876
Well, I guess in a really weird way
it kind of worked out, didn't it?

395
00:22:17,378 --> 00:22:20,005
Yeah, but I'm still a little depressed.

396
00:22:20,172 --> 00:22:21,966
- Why?
- Well...

397
00:22:22,383 --> 00:22:26,512
I mean, Mary knows I'm a good actor,
but now that <i>Authors in Hell</i> is closed,

398
00:22:26,720 --> 00:22:28,764
I'm not gonna get to show
the rest of the world.

399
00:22:29,890 --> 00:22:31,058
Oh, yeah.

400
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:35,354
Wait, I got an idea.
Why don't you do it right here?

401
00:22:35,521 --> 00:22:38,607
Hop right up there
and show the whole bar.

402
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,569
Oh, well, I don't know.

403
00:22:42,987 --> 00:22:44,238
All right.

404
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,868
Gather round, everybody.
I'm gonna do <i>Authors in Hell.</i>

405
00:22:49,034 --> 00:22:50,953
I mean, if that's all right with you,
Miss Howe.

406
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:53,581
Well, I was planning
to wait for the movie, but go ahead.

407
00:22:56,834 --> 00:23:00,713
Imagine, if you will,
a huge book opens up,

408
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:04,758
and I, Mark Twain, step out.

409
00:23:04,925 --> 00:23:09,555
I am surrounded by various tormented
American writers and Satan.

410
00:23:11,807 --> 00:23:13,684
The lights dim.

411
00:23:21,025 --> 00:23:23,485
Persons attempting...

412
00:23:23,777 --> 00:23:27,907
...to find a motive
in this narrative will be prosecuted.

413
00:23:29,074 --> 00:23:33,913
Persons attempting to find
a moral in it will be banished.

414
00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:38,083
Persons attempting to find
a plot in it...

415
00:23:39,585 --> 00:23:40,920
...will be shot.

416
00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:00,940
Woody, go on.

417
00:24:02,566 --> 00:24:03,692
I just sit here and smoke.

418
00:24:03,859 --> 00:24:05,986
I don't talk again
till the middle of act four.