Cheers is filmed before a live audience.
English is, of course, a member of the Germanic subfamily
- of the Indo-European family... - isn't this fascinating?
Must be what TV's like after you're dead.
All right, Normie, turn off that claptrap. The cavalry has arrived.
I just raided Vinson's Video Emporium for the finest '50s sci-fi fare.
- All right. - Get ready for a rollicking evening
of pod people, invisible monsters and wisecracking robots.
- Danger, danger. - Danger, danger.
- I love that stuff. - Yeah?
Oh, now, there's one of my favorites, Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
- All right. Good one. - A particularly trenchant analysis
of the collective American psyche during the Cold War era,
with the pod people representing the dehumanizing effect
of the McCarthy hearings.
I guess we got plenty of other movies here.
Here we go. The Day the Earth Stood Still. A real classic.
For my money, the finest allegorical retelling of the life of Christ on film.
Even better than E.T.
Next batter.
- Forbidden Planet. - Well, that's a good choice.
It's a witty revamp of Shakespeare's The Tempest,
with Robby the robot standing in for the sprite, Ariel.
Well, so, what will it be?
This, then, was the height of the literary use of Middle English.
By the end of the...
- Look, are you sure...? - Check out Mr. Evan Drake there,
acting like he owns the place, eh?
Thinks he's just some Bigshot corporate executive.
Doesn't have to pay attention to the common man, like you and me.
We're not important enough.
Actually Cliff, if it helps to alleviate this envy
that seems to be eating you up right now,
studies have shown that rich people are 40 to 50 percent less happy
- than most of us. - Oh, come on, that's a crock.
Well, of course it is, but we have to cling to it, don't we?
- Okay. Damn. - Bad news?
Yeah, a very important client and I
were gonna take the corporate yacht out for a little cruise,
- but he had to hurry home. - illness in the family?
No, they overthrew his government.
On the weekend, to boot.
Yeah, just can't make plans with dictators.
Sam, why don't you join me.
We're heading out to Martha's Vineyard.
Oh, I'd love to.
Why don't we make it a romantic weekend.
Well, I'm flattered, Evan--
No, no, no.
I meant bring Rebecca along.
Rebecca? Why would I want to do that?
Well, the last I heard, you two were a hot item.
I'm not gonna hear any more about it.
- I don't know, man. - No, you two are coming.
Now, just call my secretary. She'll give you all the details. All right?
Mr. Drake?
I'm an insignificant cog in the vast machinery of your corporation.
Nice to meet you.
You being a rich and powerful guy,
you might think you'd let yourself get all fat and lazy,
but you look like you keep yourself in pretty good shape.
Well, I get to the gym a few times a week.
Good, good, then maybe you can catch the truck that's towing your Rolls.
I love to see rich people haul butt.
Well, let's see here.
What little mermaid would like me to scale her tail this weekend?
What, you're not taking Miss Howe?
No, I thought I'd have fun instead. I'm tired of barking up that tree.
I thought Mr. Drake told you to take her.
Well, I'll just tell him we broke up or something. Besides,
I got this gorgeous dental hygienist that I've been trying to impress.
Flossing every day just isn't doing it.
She'll love this yacht thing. She's into money in a big way.
It's amazing how superficial some people can be, isn't it?
Tell me about it. Good thing for her she's got a great set of hooters.
- Good luck. - Thank you.
Hold it, hold it, hold it, no, I'm telling you, Normie,
recent research into the Revolutionary War
indicates that the defenders of this area
were not called the minutemen, after all.
Like every history book has been wrong, right?
They were actually called the minute men.
A lot of them were under three feet tall, as a matter of fact.
Way back in history, people were shorter.
- All right, fine. - Take, for example,
- the Knights of the Round Table. - Yeah.
Genuine midgets.
You're a very lonely man, aren't you?
Julie, sweetheart, come on, it's the middle of winter.
You're gonna have to bundle up.
I don't know. Pack a wool bikini or something.
All right. Okay, bye-bye.
All right. Julie is set.
Sammy, come here, let me see if I got this straight.
- What? - Drake invited you and Rebecca.
Rebecca's got the major hots for Drake.
You take Julie instead of Rebecca.
Rebecca is left standing alone on the dock.
Hey, what's that in her hand? Oh, must be your severed head.
Hey, don't worry about it.
Rebecca's not even gonna find out she was invited.
Well, Sam, looks like we're gonna be shipmates.
- What do you mean? - I just saw Evan outside
and he told me the good news. I'm gonna be your date.
Well, here's the bad news. I've already invited somebody else.
Uninvite her.
Sam, I have been dying for this chance to get to know Evan in a social setting.
He only sees me as some tough businesswoman in tailored suits.
I want him to see me in sportswear.
No.
You don't understand. See, Julie is really important to me.
I've been working like crazy to set something up with her
for almost three days now.
All right, all right. I'll call Evan and I'll try to fix it up.
What am--? How am I gonna explain Julie tagging along?
I don't know. Tell him she's your sister.
My sister? Rebecca, this is a hot, gorgeous, sexy woman.
Yeah, he'll believe that.
Oh, this looks just marvelous, Lorenzo, just marvelous.
Thanks again, Evan,
for making room for my sister here on such short notice.
Yeah, I really appreciate that.
This yacht must have cost a fortune.
Well, did it?
Well, the important thing is that it gets me where I want to go.
Yep.
All I really need is a boat beneath my feet
and a star to guide her with.
And, of course, a helicopter pad.
You've got a beautiful laugh, Julie.
Doesn't she brighten up the old tub, Lorenzo?
It is like a ray of sunshine to have a woman as beautiful
as Miss Malone on board.
And, of course, you too.
- Yeah, yeah, of course. - Oh, thank you, Mr. Drake.
Well, you must be very proud of your brother.
He was one heck of a pitcher, I'll tell you.
Too bad he's not playing now, when he could be making some real money.
Isn't she sweet?
You two are very close, aren't you?
Yeah. She's like a sister to me.
I'm afraid I didn't have much in common with my brother.
You too? The same with my brother.
Julie, you told me you didn't have another brother.
- Well-- - Well, she doesn't, actually. But I do.
Well, well, it's not actually his brother.
They're just such close friends, Sam likes to think of him as his brother.
We just don't have anything in common, that's all.
Everything is ready, sir.
Everyone help themselves here. I have to have a word with the chef.
Hey, I have three for him. "Keep it coming."
You know, this is kind of fun,
pretending to have this whole different personality.
If you like it, you might want to get one of your own.
Wow, would you look at this. Lobster, cracked crab, caviar.
Hey, ham.
I wonder what this spread cost.
You know, Julie, you seem very concerned with the price of things.
Don't you find that a little rude?
Well, it's not like I asked him how old he is.
What do you think? Forty-five? Fifty?
Find anything to your liking?
Actually, yes.
So have I.
So I guess your cabin is that really big one upstairs, huh?
I'd really like to see it.
Well, maybe I could take you on a captain's tour right after dinner.
Oh, I'd really like that.
Do you think your brother would mind?
What brother?
Great.
- Tonight is the night. - Yeah.
I can feel it in my bones.
Right after dinner, I'm gonna tell Evan how I really feel.
No, I'm gonna show him how I feel.
I'm going to seize the moment.
Fine. Do what you want.
Right about then, I'm gonna be seizing Julie's headboard.
Well, may I propose a toast?
- Oh, yeah. - Yes.
To a night full of promise and possibilities.
Hear, hear!
Well, I hope Lorenzo has seen to everything.
Julie, this is your cabin. I hope you find it comfortable.
- Thank you. - I'll check in on you later, sis.
That's okay. I think I'm getting a headache.
Well, not to worry. I'll just drop by with the old family cure.
Your cabin, you two.
- Good night. - Good night. Sleep tight.
Don't let the bedbugs bite.
But I'm sure you don't have bedbugs on this boat.
Or any other kind of bugs.
Do they even have bugs at sea? Maybe water bugs--
Good night.
What is my problem?
Every time I talk to him, I sound like a complete idiot.
Sam, did you ever get tongue-tied with a woman?
Oh, sure, lots of times.
Matter of fact, once, we had to go to the emergency room.
- They do have bugs at sea. - Oh, yeah.
Hey, this is a great room, isn't it? Too bad I won't be using it.
Yeah, well, if I get lucky, I won't either.
Sam, do you have to do that in front of me?
What? I'm sorry, but Julie's a dental hygienist.
This is gonna be the first thing she checks.
Maybe the second.
You know, I love it when you talk stupid, Sam.
Didn't she just say she had a headache?
No, no, that's for Evan's benefit.
No, she's got the kind of headache where you go straight to bed
and take a couple of Sammys every four hours.
God, I cannot believe I'm sharing a stateroom with you.
- I will never get any mirror time. - All right. All right.
- What can I get you? - Well, let's see.
Today's my birthday. What's a good birthday drink?
Well, Sam always buys a free beer for people on their birthday.
Hey, that's great.
Actually, it's my girlfriend here's birthday too.
Well, she gets a free beer too, then.
Funny thing is, it's our birthday also.
Yeah, that's how we all met. We were at the same party.
Free beers all around, then.
Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Hoof-and-Mouth, will you put your thinking cap on?
What are the chances of those four people
having a birthday on the same day?
The odds must be astronomical. I'm just glad I was here to see it.
Woody, Woody, Woody.
Don't you think it's a slightest bit of a coincidence
that those four people happen to have the same birthday as Cliff and me?
Really?
- A pitcher will be fine. - Yeah.
You've been working on your hair all this time and it still looks like that?
Like what?
Like something you'd surf on.
Give me the brush.
Get down.
God. Am I really gonna have the guts to go through with this?
Yes, I am. I have to.
And now. There you go.
- Hey, that's great. - This is really gonna be tricky tonight.
I have to create just the right romantic mood with Evan.
Yeah.
Do you have any suggestions on how I could do that?
Yeah, that's easy. What you do is you knock on his door
and you tell him that you're having trouble sleeping,
that you need some air.
And then you get him to take a little stroll around the deck with you.
And then when the moment's right,
you tell him you'd like to see him naked.
- Works for me. - Yeah.
I'm out of here.
Okay. Good luck.
I was just heading up on deck.
I was just going up on deck too.
- I just changed my mind. - I just changed my mind too.
That was quick.
Was it everything you thought it'd be?
Sam, don't be stupid.
- All right, here I go. - Go on.
I changed my mind, decided to get some air.
- Yeah, me too. - Oh, but I forgot my...
So did I.
Would you do something about that damn Julie?
She keeps heading up on deck every time I open up the door.
Julie? What the hell's she doing? We've got a date.
That would probably send me to the rail too.
Here I go again.
Are you ready for the captain's tour?
Oh, I don't know. I don't think I'm dressed for it.
Maybe you could help me pick out something.
- Oh, my God. - What?
I just saw Evan go in Julie's cabin. My life has no meaning.
- You're crazy. - I'm not. I saw it.
Shoot me now!
Julie?
Sam, I told you I have a headache.
Wait a minute. What--? Hey, Drake's in there, isn't he?
- Well-- - I don't believe this. What...?
You're throwing me over for that guy? Why?
Just because he has more money than me?
More money than I'll ever hope to have?
More money than most of America ha--?
I'm losing this argument, aren't I?
Good night.
I don't believe the nerve of that woman.
I believe it. Of course, I believe it.
Because she is nothing more than a classless bimbo.
Hey, don't defend her to me.
To think, you know, I have wasted three days on that lost cause.
Three days? Try wasting two years.
Two years of waiting by the phone for him to call.
Two years of making excuses for why he didn't.
Two years dreaming about him and thinking about him,
living every moment for Evan Gregory Drake.
Wow. Boy, you sure have me beat.
I'm just so disappointed in him.
Disappointed? Think how I feel.
I mean, he's in there boinking my sister.
I am never gonna have a husband or babies
- Oh, come on. - or a family.
All I have is my stupid career and I don't even like it.
Hey, come on now, listen.
You are a beautiful, intelligent woman.
Sam, please. Not now.
What? Oh, come on. What, do you think that I'm...?
Listen, I made a lot of stupid passes at you, but this is not one of them.
Hey. You are a terrific person.
And a lot of good things are gonna happen.
And I'm sure the right person's gonna come along.
What if he already did and I didn't know it because of Evan?
Well, then, if you missed him, then he wasn't the right person.
- Really? - Yeah, really.
Really.
Listen, you're in a very emotional state right now.
I don't wanna take advantage of that.
If you want me to leave, you just say so.
I don't seem to be saying anything.
- Oh, I'm sorry for-- - No, it's all right, Evan. Come in.
Well, I can't sleep until I get something off my chest.
Well, read a book, man, and get back to us in about three hours.
- Go on, Evan. - Sam,
I got where I am in life
because I have always dealt honestly with the people I respect.
Gee, that's great. Can we talk about it in the morning, please?
Sam, I tried to seduce your sister.
Oh, well, that's a shocker. Maybe we ought to sleep on it.
Sam, please give me my day in court, will you?
Yeah.
See, I...
Well, since my marriage broke up, I have been feeling lonely.
Still, a man gets urges.
But I guess I'm just too old-fashioned
to think I can find any real happiness that way.
Nothing happened, Sam.
And I just wanted to explain that to you. So...
Excuse me.
- Well, good night. - Yeah, good night.
All right, come here. Okay.
Where were we, here?
I have never loved that man more than I do right at this very minute.
Me neither. So where were we?
God, he needs someone so badly.
Come on. I haven't used that "men have urges" line
since I was in the fifth grade.
Excuse me, Sam.
What? Come on. What will you do?
- You gonna go chasing after him? - No, no, no.
It isn't the right time. I just have to think.
I'm gonna go up on deck and sleep and look at the stars.
No, no, look, listen, you can't...
You can't just work me up like that and then walk out of here. Please.
- Sam... - No, please.
I believe you have a sister with a vacancy sign on her door.
Right, right.
Say hello to the stars for me, sweetheart.
Boy, these signs. Okay, all right.
Julie? Listen.
Why don't we let bygones be bygones here?
You were tempted. I was tempted.
But, what the hell, we're both consenting adults.
I sure hope there's some room in that bunk of yours for me.
There isn't.
I've got to stay off boats, man.
Hello.
Hey, Carla, did you pick your mother-in-law up?
Yeah. I tried to pawn her off on some Hare Krishnas.
But I think she's the only thing they won't take at the airport.
- So how's it been going? - Oh, fine.
Well, they tried to pull that old birthday gag
where they get a free round of beers.
But I caught on after the fifth round.
Gomer, Gomer, Gomer.
Lucky for me, I remembered that Mr. Clavin and Mr. Peterson
already had their birthday.
Those foam-suckers were in on this?
That does it. Where are they?
Hey, hey, hey! I wanna talk to you. Nobody stiffs this bar.
You owe me for five rounds.
Cliff ie, we split up. There's no way she can catch both of us.
Normie, she's gonna come after me first.
Yeah. Ready?
No, no, no.
Get back here! Get--
Hey! Where's the tip?