Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, it's a well-documented fact that the female of the species
is irresistibly drawn to men in uniform.
Just yesterday, some lonely, frustrated housewife
saw me coming up the garden path.
You know, peeking through the window.
Then she tries to coyly titillate me by pulling down the shade
so I wonder what's going on behind it.
Let me dispel the mystery. She was puking.
Carla, don't you get bored just hanging around here all day
waiting to take cheap shots at me?
Yeah, I should get a beeper.
All right, look, that's it.
I'm sick and tired of being your whipping boy.
Today the worm turns.
You are not going to insult me any longer
because I am not gonna give you the chance.
As of from right now, I am shutting up, zipping my lip.
And my friends support me.
You know something, chaps,
I had a particularly fascinating session this morning.
No, honestly.
Someone I was seeing for the first time.
Extraordinarily beautiful young woman whose rather unique malaise
is to be aroused to a sexual frenzy by...
Excuse me, I...
I don't really think I should be discussing my patients here.
How about discussing them over here?
Well, I suppose it wouldn't violate any doctor-patient confidentiality
if I don't use names.
Another beer, Woody.
Thought you weren't gonna use any names, Dr. Crane.
Well, it seems this woman has her passions inflamed
by men who dance.
Wait a minute, wait a minute. Men who dance?
That's weird.
What's even more bizarre
is that she will catapult herself compulsively into the arms
of any man in, like, tights or tap shoes.
Fascinating fixation.
Jeez, I gotta go. I'm sorry.
- Where are you going? - My ballet class.
No, no, lunch.
That was a little psychological humor.
You know, as my old professor used to say,
"If you can't laugh at your patients, what fun are they?"
See you later. Norm.
- Morning, everybody. - Norm.
Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
- A little early, isn't it, Woody? - For a beer?
No, for stupid questions. Pour.
Would you believe the board of directors is asking
for a breakdown of projected earnings for the next six months?
Yes.
Oh, Rebecca, I started painting Mr. Drake's house.
I wanna thank you for that recommendation.
Oh, it was my pleasure, Norm. How's it going?
Great, great. He's out of town for a few days,
so I thought it'd be a good time to get started in his bedroom.
I was doing a little prep work over there.
I must say, that's a cute photo of you he has next to his nightstand.
- What? - Just kidding.
I will kill you, Norm.
You know, I am over there all by myself,
so if you wanna drop by and check any of the house out,
I can get you in.
No, I can't.
Oh, go on. You're dying to look in his drawers.
That's right, he won't be there.
The last thing on my mind is Evan Drake and where he sleeps.
Now, I don't wanna be distracted.
I gotta get these figures in to the bed of directors.
Board of directors.
Shall we say in one hour?
I'll be there.
Excuse me, I'm looking for Dr. Crane.
- He mentioned he'd be here. - I'm sorry, you just missed him.
Oh, darn.
I had a session earlier today and left a package in his office.
When I went back, it was locked.
Gee, I don't know what to tell you.
But then again, I don't know what to tell most people.
Excuse me, you had a session with him?
Why, are you a patient of his?
- That's right, why? - Oh, just curious.
Well, it's not that important. I just thought if I caught him,
- I could still get my package back. - I understand perfectly.
Well, I'm out of luck.
I guess I'll just have to stop by tomorrow.
Gotta dance Gotta dance
- Why are you doing that? - This?
I guess it's kind of an old reflex with us hoofers.
- Oh, you're a dancer. - Well, kind of.
My name's Sam Malone, but people call me "Bojangles."
- Jennifer McCall. - Jennifer McCall.
That's a beautiful name for a beautiful girl.
Well, thank you. I have to be going.
Well, at least let me waltz you to the door, here, all right?
All right.
I know I'm not very sophisticated,
but I don't think what Sam is doing is right.
Well, look, don't you put yourself down, Woodman.
I happen to agree with you.
I mean, standing around, tending bar all day
is, like, the worst thing a dancer can do for his calves.
Speaking of calves, Woody,
was it painful when the cow kicked you in the head?
You get used to it.
Why don't I stop back and we'll go to lunch?
I'm looking forward to it already.
Got a cramp. Oh, God. Oh, Woody...
And here's his bedroom.
- I feel kind of queasy. - Yeah.
Like I don't belong here, like I'm doing something wrong.
I know, that's how I feel in my bedroom.
I just feel kind of like I'm trespassing.
Like I'm invading his privacy.
This is not right.
I should not be doing this.
I shouldn't.
I shouldn't, I shouldn't.
Would you like to be alone?
Sorry.
Well, as long as I'm here,
I guess it wouldn't hurt for me to just look around a bit.
Sure. Now, I suggested Navajo White but he went with Sandstone.
What do you think?
This is where he keeps his clothes, isn't it?
Do you think anybody heard that?
- Like who? - I don't know. I'm just nervous.
God, there's no way I could explain it if I got caught.
How are you gonna get caught?
Because people always get caught in this situation.
What if Evan comes back unexpectedly?
Look, he's in Europe, okay?
You don't come back unexpectedly from Europe.
You come back unexpectedly from the movies or shopping.
But you don't come back unexpect...
What? What?
Oh, my God, it's Mr. Drake. He's back unexpectedly from Europe.
- I have to get out of here. - Norm, you here?
Yes, sir. Be right down, sir.
No, it's all right. I'm coming up.
- Oh, God. - All right, come on.
- Norm. - Oh, right, okay.
Norm, there you are.
Hi, sir.
What are you doing here, sir?
We wound up everything in a marathon session.
I haven't slept for three days.
Three days? Let me take you out for a cup of coffee, sir.
No. All I wanna do is sleep for about a week.
- Shall I get your pajamas, sir? - No!
- 'No"? - No.
I thought you meant my pajamas.
No, they're too far away from here
and I don't even think they'd fit Mr. Drake.
Actually, I think you'll find a clean pair of pajamas in the bag, Greyson.
- I thought you were gonna fix that. - Yeah, that squeak.
I'm gonna fix that squeak, sir. You should go to another room.
I may need to use the Jaws of Life.
No, just leave it, will you?
As a matter of fact, forget the painting thing too.
I'm a light sleeper and I don't want to hear rattling paint cans.
That's one thing I've never been accused of, rattling my cans.
Please, I mean it, Norm, scoot.
Yes, sir.
So you're really a light sleeper, sir?
Yes, but I have excellent hearing, Norm.
Yeah, most light sleepers do.
That's what makes them light sleepers.
So you just left her in the closet?
Believe me, I did everything I could to get the guy out of the room
for, like, one minute but he wouldn't budge.
So you just left her in the closet?
There was nothing else I could do, okay?
So you just left her in the closet?
Carla, it wasn't my fault, all right?
It's been at least an hour. She should have snuck out by now.
Oh, come on, she'd be here if she'd gotten away.
You gotta get her out of there.
Hey, look, you think of it as an adventure.
Like she's the damsel in distress
and you are the knight in shiny white armor
leaping upon your steed.
And driving it into the ground up to its knees.
No, no. And saving the damsel.
I guess you're right I gotta go do this.
Listen, Cliff ie, if I'm not back in an hour,
go ahead and finish my beer.
This is your beer.
Sammy, I hear you got a sure thing lined up, eh?
No, I never like to use the term "sure thing."
I prefer the term "in the bag."
- Yeah. - Why, what?
Sammy, come on, isn't this,
you know, pretending to be a phoney-baloney dancer
a little bit beneath you?
When I go picking up girls, I don't need all that stuff.
All I need is a wink and a smile.
And a rag doused with chloroform.
I don't know, Sammy.
It looks to me like you're getting a little desperate.
What are you... I'm not desperate.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Ready, Sam?
Oh, hi, Jennifer. Be right with you.
See you guys later.
Ready to go?
Mr. Drake. Mr. Drake, sir!
Sorry, sir, but Mr. Peterson said it was an emergency.
- A what? Emergency? - Yeah, structural, Evan.
A good thing I went back and checked those blueprints.
This ceiling could go at any second.
- Ceiling? - Yeah, it's a crack, sir.
Extends all the way into here.
Get me out of here.
What crack? There's nothing wrong with that ceiling.
I'm only thinking of your safety, sir.
I'd feel much better if you slept in a different room.
Peterson, get out. And close that closet door.
Wait a minute. Many people prefer to sleep with the closet door open.
Is something wrong with you?
Yeah, it's the paint fumes, sir. They make me giddy.
I'm afraid they can be hazardous to your health, sir.
Oh, nonsense. No one was ever killed by paint fumes.
But they can cause brain damage.
Evidently.
Now get out of here.
Sir, I have some paint cans in the closet there.
I'd feel much better for you if I tightened those lids.
Whatever. Just do it. Get out of here.
Norm, I'm so glad to see you.
You gotta get me out of here.
Every time I open the door, it squeaks and he starts to wake up.
If he finds me here in the morning, he will fire me, hate me
and he is never, ever, gonna wanna be my boyfriend.
Norm, you talking to your paints?
Yes, I am, sir.
Just calm down, all right? Calm down. Calm down.
Okay? Everything's gonna be fine. I'm gonna get you out of...
Cashmere.
Here's my plan, okay? I'm gonna walk out of here.
I'm gonna leave the closet door yay bit open so it won't squeak.
Now, you wait till he's sound asleep,
- then you just walk out of here. Okay? - Okay.
If you're hungry, I brought you some chips.
"Cajun style"?
- Never mind, just go ahead. - Okay, all right. Good luck.
- Is he asleep? - Get lost.
Getting lost, sir.
Oh, like an open door would really kill you, Greyson.
So you just left her in the closet?
I had a foolproof plan to get her out of there
and the whole thing got spoiled by this anal-retentive butler.
Mr. Peterson, you gotta get her out of there.
How did I get myself into this?
I should have never become a house painter.
I should have listened to my mother and become a matador.
You know, Norm, you were probably too logical.
What?
Yes, you see, it's an established psychological fact
that the more outrageous a lie one tells,
the more readily will the victim believe it.
Now, see, if you told Mr. Drake a sufficiently outlandish story,
odds are, he'd buy it.
- No, that's impossible. - No, Woody, it's a stroke of genius.
Frasier, you're brilliant.
That is one of the most brilliant ideas you've ever had,
- and you've had a lot of brilliant ideas. - Thank you, Carla.
See, Woody, it works. Bonehead bought it.
All right.
I guess I just gotta go do this.
Gotta do it.
If it doesn't work out,
tomorrow I'm gonna be shopping for toreador pants.
Hey, where are you going?
I gotta get Rebecca out of the damn closet.
You just left her in the closet?
Where's Frasier? Man, I gotta talk to him.
- Where's your date? - She's in my apartment.
I told her I was going out for some ice.
I don't know, something's wrong here.
I've been dancing my brains out and nothing, zilch, absolutely.
Frasier, you know that beautiful girl you were treating this morning?
I treated two beautiful women this morning, Sam. Which one?
- The one that had the hots for dancers. - Yes, why?
Well, you didn't cure her by any chance, did you?
You just don't cure someone overnight.
Most patients require dozens of costly sessions
to make even minimal progress.
God, I love this profession.
Boy, I don't know, something's wrong. Maybe it's my dancing.
You treated two beautiful girls this morning?
What'd you treat the other one for?
Pyromania.
pyro... Pyromania.
My purse.
What?
No, no, stop. You can't go in there.
Get up, sir. Up, quick! Bees.
Killer bees are coming this way from Mexico.
- And they're hopping mad, sir. - Bees?
Yeah, those suckers could swarm through here like a buzz saw.
Sir, you don't have any honey in here, do you?
Peterson, get out of here.
And if you come back in here again, I'm gonna have Greyson use his gun.
- Understood? - Yes, sir.
He was talking to me, okay, Greyson?
Look, sir, let me just get your robe.
I'm very concerned about these bees.
Well, never mind. They've gone.
Yeah, there they go. They're headed up to Canada or someplace.
- Well... - What is it?
Bee sting, they're back, sir.
Peterson, what the hell is going on?
Sir, I'm sorry.
I didn't wanna have to tell you this but you're forcing me to.
Oh, please, tell it quickly.
If I don't sleep, I'll die. And I'm gonna take you with me.
Actually, it's kind of personal. Do you mind, Greyson?
- Sir? - Anything that will get him out of here.
Sir, to begin with, when I was a little boy, I was very poor.
Peterson, I'm not going to survive any story
that begins with when you were little.
Oh, right. Sir, I've had this fantasy that's haunted me all my life.
At night when I'm in bed, it comes and torments me.
Oh, I know the feeling.
Yes, yes, I suppose you do.
Anyway, this is my fantasy, sir.
It's a little outrageous. So just stay with me.
Even though I was born poor and I'll never be a rich man,
somehow, it wouldn't make any difference if one time,
sir, just one time,
just one darned time,
I could do something symbolic,
like...
...carry a rich man across the lawn in his pajamas.
- Come here. - I know, it sounds crazy, I know, sir.
Sir, I don't have a fever.
No, I know that. I'm feeling for the lobotomy scar.
Sir, please, sir, please, please, please.
- Please, sir. - All right, all right, all right.
Look, if I actually let you do it, would you promise me...
Would you swear on your mother's grave
that you would let me sleep?
- Yes, I swear, I promise. - You've gotta do more than promise.
You've got to give me your solemn oath as a crazy person...
My oath, my vow, my pledge, my bond.
Let's get it over with. Now let's get...
- Thank you so much, sir. - All right.
Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you so much, sir.
You know, sir, I don't mean to flatter you,
- but you're very firm for your age. - Yeah, yeah.
Thank you very much, sir.
It was everything I dreamed it would be.
Hey, whoa, who made the bed?
- I did, sir. - When?
The instant Mr. Drake vacated the premises.
You mean you came in here the instant we left
and you haven't left since?
Oh, sir.
Sir.
I don't know quite how to tell you this, sir.
We've gotta own up, sir. I've gotta tell you the truth.
You should do that before you go to sleep. Clears the lungs.
You'll sleep much better. Sweet dreams.
Hi, sir.
Oh, I knew it, I knew it. You broke your word.
- No, sir. - You lied to me, Norm.
No, sir. I went back to the bar to tell a friend about my dream coming true.
Since none of their dreams have, they wouldn't believe mine.
- Why are you doing this to me? Why? - My dream is to have people know
that I carried a rich man across the lawn in his pajamas.
- You're going to hurt me. - No, sir, I just need witnesses.
I've got several lined up outside. Greyson would fill out the troop nicely.
Just a couple minutes. Then it'll be all over, sir. You can sleep.
This isn't happening to me. This is a nightmare.
- Don't worry about it, sir. - I never...
We're going out now, but only for a minute.
Will there be any more bees?
Oh, no, sir. You shut your eyes now.
All gone. All gone.
Hey, guys, here they come. Here they come.
- They're coming. - Line up. Here they come.
Yes, bravo. Very good. Well done.
Great. Well done.