1 00:00:02,044 --> 00:00:04,796 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,175 Carla, you look spiffy. You going out tonight? 3 00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,303 Yep, Eddie and I are catching a movie. It's his last night in town. 4 00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:13,514 He's going out on the road again with the ice show. 5 00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:17,267 - What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, nothing. 6 00:00:17,434 --> 00:00:20,145 Well, you know, I got this image of, you know, 7 00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:23,524 chorus girls in skimpy costumes, you know, skating around, 8 00:00:23,690 --> 00:00:26,193 and a lonely husband on the road, far away 9 00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:29,571 from his connubial connubials, if you know what I mean. 10 00:00:31,323 --> 00:00:33,575 - Well, are you not worried? - Not at all. 11 00:00:34,284 --> 00:00:37,120 I know my Eddie and I trust him completely. 12 00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:41,166 He's the sweetest, most faithful, loving husband in the whole world. 13 00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:43,502 And I thank God every day he married me. 14 00:00:43,669 --> 00:00:46,964 If ever there was a one-woman man, it's Eddie LeBec. 15 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:50,008 - Carla, what movie you going to see? - Fatal At traction. 16 00:02:09,671 --> 00:02:11,882 Good evening, everyone. You'll be glad to know 17 00:02:12,049 --> 00:02:15,093 I decided to take your advice and become more dynamic. 18 00:02:15,260 --> 00:02:18,472 I have just left a seminar that has changed my life. 19 00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:22,934 In a few short hours, I have become the essence of self-assertiveness. 20 00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:27,564 Five, four, three, two, one. 21 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:31,652 What's going on? 22 00:02:32,903 --> 00:02:34,529 What's going on? 23 00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:36,782 Hey, I wanna know... What's happening? 24 00:02:42,579 --> 00:02:44,289 If somebody doesn't tell me what's going on, 25 00:02:44,456 --> 00:02:46,124 I am gonna start crying. 26 00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:49,211 We're sorry. We didn't know you were here. 27 00:02:49,378 --> 00:02:52,964 - Today is our anniversary. - This was the day, two years ago, 28 00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,008 where Cheers beat that scourge down the road, 29 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:56,885 Gary's Old Towne Tavern, in bowling. 30 00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:02,182 - That's the big deal? - It's the only time we won anything. 31 00:03:02,349 --> 00:03:04,810 - I take it they've beaten us at things. - At everything. 32 00:03:04,976 --> 00:03:09,398 Touch football, softball, darts, ugliest toes, you name it. 33 00:03:09,564 --> 00:03:12,025 I think the current tally is 173 to 1, 34 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,569 but we are presently on a winning streak. 35 00:03:16,571 --> 00:03:17,656 We're number one. 36 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:20,659 We're number one. We're number one. 37 00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:22,452 - Yeah. - We're number one. 38 00:03:22,619 --> 00:03:27,165 Hey, Sammy, Sammy, isn't it about time for the call? 39 00:03:28,667 --> 00:03:30,502 By golly, yes, it is. 40 00:03:32,963 --> 00:03:34,840 Hear ye, hear ye. 41 00:03:35,006 --> 00:03:38,760 - Time for the ceremonial call to Gary. - The call. 42 00:03:38,927 --> 00:03:40,554 - The call. - The call. 43 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,264 - The call. - The call. 44 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:44,599 - All right. - Yeah. 45 00:03:46,435 --> 00:03:49,604 Hello, Gary? It's Sam Malone. 46 00:03:49,771 --> 00:03:52,524 Yeah, I was just calling to say hi, see how you're doing. 47 00:03:53,316 --> 00:03:54,609 No, you know, for the life of me 48 00:03:54,776 --> 00:03:57,612 I can't think of what brought you to mind. 49 00:03:57,779 --> 00:04:02,200 No, wait a minute, maybe it was because two years ago tonight 50 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:05,078 we waxed your heinie in bowling. 51 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,460 No, no. The poor sap is begging for a rematch. 52 00:04:11,626 --> 00:04:12,919 - No. - No way. 53 00:04:13,086 --> 00:04:15,881 I'm sorry, Gary, no, there will be no rematch. 54 00:04:16,047 --> 00:04:19,718 The moment of victory is frozen in time. 55 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:21,636 That's right, Gary... 56 00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,138 Hello? Gary? 57 00:04:24,097 --> 00:04:26,767 The guy is such a poor loser. 58 00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:28,852 Drinks on the house. 59 00:04:29,644 --> 00:04:32,105 Carla, once more around the bar, huh? 60 00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:33,565 All right. 61 00:04:33,732 --> 00:04:36,276 We're number one. We're number one. 62 00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,820 Hold it! Where is the trophy? 63 00:04:38,987 --> 00:04:40,238 - Who moved it? - What? 64 00:04:41,615 --> 00:04:44,868 Oh, come on, it's gotta be around here somewhere. 65 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:48,163 Hey, now, listen, this is not funny. Where is the trophy? 66 00:04:48,330 --> 00:04:51,291 Wait a minute. 67 00:04:51,458 --> 00:04:53,543 - This smacks of Gary. - Hey. 68 00:04:53,710 --> 00:04:55,796 - You mean he had a spy in here? - Yeah, that's right. 69 00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:58,757 Who was that guy at the end of the bar drinking imported beer? 70 00:04:58,924 --> 00:05:01,843 Very suspicious. You know none of us can afford that stuff. 71 00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,303 Let's storm the place. 72 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,389 Hey, wait. 73 00:05:06,556 --> 00:05:08,934 Come on, let's not turn this into mob rule here. 74 00:05:09,100 --> 00:05:11,478 Just a couple of guys go over and talk to him first. Come on. 75 00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,271 All right, Sam, I think you better take me 76 00:05:13,438 --> 00:05:17,234 because they gotta be intimidated by the authority of my uniform. 77 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,404 Actually, I think I'll take Woody. In case there's some trouble, 78 00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:23,824 I'd like to have someone young and strong around there. 79 00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:25,450 Come on, Woody. 80 00:05:37,879 --> 00:05:39,172 Good luck. 81 00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,601 Our trophy. 82 00:05:52,894 --> 00:05:55,313 Oh, Sam. What did you do to Gary? 83 00:05:55,480 --> 00:05:59,150 - Did you punch him right in the face? - Not exactly, no. 84 00:05:59,317 --> 00:06:01,570 - He did ask out our waitress. - Hey. 85 00:06:01,736 --> 00:06:02,988 Sam. 86 00:06:03,905 --> 00:06:08,535 Hey, what are you all sitting around here like a bunch of wimps for? 87 00:06:09,536 --> 00:06:11,329 It's what wimps do. 88 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,587 Let's go over to Gary's and torch the place. 89 00:06:18,753 --> 00:06:20,213 Come on. 90 00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,132 There's gotta be a cooler way of doing this. 91 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:24,217 Now, we gotta use a little cunning. 92 00:06:24,968 --> 00:06:29,222 Yeah, I'd like to do something to Gary to make him really miserable. 93 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,224 Why don't you marry him? 94 00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:34,895 - Why don't you? - Why don't you? 95 00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:37,022 Why don't you? 96 00:06:38,231 --> 00:06:42,527 Stop it. I do not want this thing getting out of hand. 97 00:06:42,694 --> 00:06:45,655 If this bar becomes a high school locker room, my patronage, 98 00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:48,408 other than the Bowery Boys, will disappear. 99 00:06:48,575 --> 00:06:51,494 No, in this case, I'm afraid I must agree with Rebecca. 100 00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:53,330 Thank you, Dr. Crane. 101 00:06:53,496 --> 00:06:55,582 Well, it's not for your dollar-grubbing, 102 00:06:55,749 --> 00:06:58,084 you know, front-office, kissy-face reasons. 103 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:02,881 It's because revenge is never the answer. 104 00:07:03,048 --> 00:07:04,090 You see, 105 00:07:04,674 --> 00:07:07,969 a potentially unending cycle of juvenile retaliation 106 00:07:08,136 --> 00:07:12,182 can only lead to, well, a kind of mob mentality, 107 00:07:12,349 --> 00:07:15,435 which will ultimately result in a regrettable act. 108 00:07:15,602 --> 00:07:18,772 Wait a minute, doc. When Diane left you at the altar, 109 00:07:18,939 --> 00:07:20,774 weren't you the guy who enrolled her in every tape, 110 00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:22,901 book and record club known to mankind? 111 00:07:25,028 --> 00:07:27,572 Yes, but that was different. The pompous witch deserved it. 112 00:07:29,032 --> 00:07:33,578 No, come on, we gotta think of something to get our pride back. 113 00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:34,788 - Yeah. - Yeah. 114 00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:38,583 There is one thing you can beat Gary's Old Towne Tavern at. 115 00:07:38,750 --> 00:07:41,002 - Oh, yeah? What's that? - Maturity. 116 00:08:02,816 --> 00:08:07,153 It's Al. Hey, Al, why aren't you at Cheers? 117 00:08:07,320 --> 00:08:09,739 Holy mackerel, this isn't Cheers? 118 00:08:13,660 --> 00:08:15,829 Malone's back. 119 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:17,580 And this time, he brought some muscle. 120 00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:22,085 Sammy, I can't go through with this, 121 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,920 not when this guy is taking shots at me. 122 00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:27,882 - No, no, that was a shot at me. - You're right. Okay. 123 00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:31,386 Gary, we're here in peace. 124 00:08:32,095 --> 00:08:33,805 Now, we wanna let bygones be bygones, 125 00:08:33,972 --> 00:08:37,392 so we brought along some champagne to bury the hatchet. 126 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:41,021 - What do you say, huh? - That right? No tricks? 127 00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:42,355 No tricks. 128 00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:46,109 Well, that's damn decent of you, Malone. Bill, some glasses. 129 00:08:46,276 --> 00:08:47,652 I'll be honest with you. 130 00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:51,072 I mean, last night at Cheers, all we could talk about was revenge. 131 00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,241 That trophy meant a great deal to us. 132 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:56,077 But then, you know, cooler heads, light of day, and all that kind of thing, 133 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:59,706 we just... Well, we realized that to do battle with you 134 00:08:59,873 --> 00:09:02,042 would just destroy both of us. 135 00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:04,502 At least we have the satisfaction of knowing 136 00:09:04,669 --> 00:09:09,090 that we beat you in one thing, maturity. 137 00:09:09,257 --> 00:09:11,551 Actually, I'm afraid you came up short there too. 138 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:15,221 I just sent a dozen roses over to Cheers with an apology note. 139 00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:19,017 - Oh, well. - Here's to Cheers. 140 00:09:19,184 --> 00:09:21,394 No. To Gary's. 141 00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:24,022 Yeah, to Gary's, yeah. 142 00:09:35,408 --> 00:09:39,579 Gary, I think maybe you ought to keep that back window locked. 143 00:09:39,746 --> 00:09:44,250 You know, people could sneak in here and steal some of this fine crystal. 144 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:47,587 Come, my little vandal, our job here is done. 145 00:09:47,754 --> 00:09:49,047 You know what gets me about this, Malone? 146 00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:51,549 It's how weeny this stunt was. 147 00:09:51,716 --> 00:09:53,384 This is the best you could come up with? 148 00:09:53,551 --> 00:09:56,930 I am embarrassed, all right. Not for me, but for you. 149 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:01,726 Oh, yeah? 150 00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:04,312 Told you we should have fixed his brakes. 151 00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:08,817 You think I'm humiliated? I'm not humiliated. 152 00:10:08,983 --> 00:10:10,693 Pretty weeny. 153 00:10:15,657 --> 00:10:17,450 Now I'm humiliated. 154 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:26,292 Then after lunch, I had a patient, three separate personalities, 155 00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:28,378 each one more boring than the other. 156 00:10:29,170 --> 00:10:31,965 As a matter of fact, he's the only one who can tell them apart. 157 00:10:33,049 --> 00:10:35,135 Now, Lilith, darling, let's remember our caveat, 158 00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,345 No more shoptalk, it's the weekend. 159 00:10:37,512 --> 00:10:39,931 It's time to engage in nice, normal conversation. 160 00:10:40,098 --> 00:10:41,307 I'll get us some drinks. Woody? 161 00:10:41,474 --> 00:10:44,185 Why do you have this obsession with labelling everything? 162 00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:47,605 Normal, abnormal. Weekday, weekend. 163 00:10:47,772 --> 00:10:49,816 Darling, I was only trying to create a certain... 164 00:10:49,983 --> 00:10:51,818 In other words, control the conversation. 165 00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:55,947 - That's rather compulsive, isn't it? - Well, how anal of you to notice. 166 00:10:58,032 --> 00:11:00,118 Oh, the whole world's anal to you. 167 00:11:01,244 --> 00:11:03,913 Well, what say we sleep in late tomorrow and have eggs Benedict? 168 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:05,456 I love you. 169 00:11:13,256 --> 00:11:15,800 Pest control. Where should we start? 170 00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:17,886 Excuse me, what's this about? 171 00:11:18,052 --> 00:11:20,555 - Your rat problem. - Rat problem? 172 00:11:20,722 --> 00:11:22,807 Aren't you the one that called about a rat problem? 173 00:11:22,974 --> 00:11:25,560 No, of course not. We don't have rats. 174 00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:29,606 That's what we understand, ma'am. Rats in the building, big grey ones. 175 00:11:29,772 --> 00:11:31,441 That's why we're here. 176 00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:33,985 Everybody, hold on. There are no rats here. 177 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,029 Oh, of course, Rebecca, we believe you. 178 00:11:36,196 --> 00:11:38,781 If you should run across any white ones about yay big, 179 00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,576 I'd be happy to give you $4 apiece for them. 180 00:11:43,411 --> 00:11:46,080 - What do you use them for? - Snacks. 181 00:11:48,208 --> 00:11:51,044 Everyone, just stay where you are. There are no rats. 182 00:11:51,211 --> 00:11:53,880 - Free round of drinks on the house. - I wouldn't do that, ma'am. 183 00:11:54,047 --> 00:11:56,341 Those little buggers might have already gotten into your beer. 184 00:11:57,217 --> 00:11:58,593 I'll chance it. 185 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:02,555 Sam, did you call anyone about a rat problem? 186 00:12:02,722 --> 00:12:05,892 No. We have a rat problem? God. 187 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,019 I didn't call, you didn't call. Who called? 188 00:12:09,020 --> 00:12:10,230 Gary. 189 00:12:11,064 --> 00:12:12,899 How did he know we have rats? 190 00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:17,403 Look, if you need us, here's our card. 191 00:12:20,198 --> 00:12:21,741 Come again. 192 00:12:24,911 --> 00:12:28,206 "Now, that's a stunt. Love, Gary." 193 00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:31,834 He's mine. 194 00:12:43,721 --> 00:12:45,723 Mess with us, huh? 195 00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:48,142 Wait till he finds the prune juice in his Kahlua. 196 00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:51,145 Yeah, what about the sneezing powder in the ventilation system, huh? 197 00:12:51,312 --> 00:12:52,814 That was the Coupe DeVille, huh? 198 00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:55,483 Yeah, Gary's messed around with the wrong guys. 199 00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:59,654 I wish I was there to see the stupid looks on their faces, you know? 200 00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,246 Hey, hey, who's the chrome dome? 201 00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:12,792 I don't know, I've never seen him before. 202 00:13:15,003 --> 00:13:17,463 Afternoon. I'll have a draft. 203 00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:20,425 Excuse me there, pal of mine. 204 00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:24,345 - Yeah? - What exactly you doing in here? 205 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:26,264 Getting a drink. 206 00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:29,684 So you're not from the neighborhood, are you? 207 00:13:29,851 --> 00:13:32,937 No, I'm from Framingham. My wife's at Mass. General. 208 00:13:33,104 --> 00:13:34,397 She just had a double bypass, 209 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:38,401 and I thought I'd unwind a little with a drink. That okay? 210 00:13:41,779 --> 00:13:42,739 Sure. 211 00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:47,035 Let's shave his head and put him on a bus. 212 00:13:47,201 --> 00:13:48,411 - Yeah. - Good idea. 213 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:50,371 Excuse me. On second thought, 214 00:13:50,538 --> 00:13:54,042 I think I'll check to see if they have a juice machine in the ICU. 215 00:13:54,208 --> 00:13:56,627 Yeah, you do that, pal. 216 00:13:56,794 --> 00:13:59,172 Yeah, you tell Dr. Gary the gang at Cheers says hello. 217 00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:02,216 Yeah. All right, huh? Okay. 218 00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:05,219 I don't know. What, did he think we're idiots or something? 219 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:12,935 Did anybody remember to grease the bars tools over at Gary's? 220 00:14:13,102 --> 00:14:17,106 - Oh, yeah. Yeah, I did. - Woody, get this man his favorite. 221 00:14:17,732 --> 00:14:19,484 Hello, everyone. 222 00:14:20,610 --> 00:14:21,736 Thank you, thank you. 223 00:14:21,903 --> 00:14:23,905 You're too kind. May I please see the manager? 224 00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:27,700 - I'm the manager. Can I help you? - Oh, so you're the manager? 225 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:31,454 Finally something in this place worth looking at. I'm Gary 226 00:14:31,621 --> 00:14:32,914 from the Old Towne Tavern. 227 00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:37,085 Well, well, well. I never expected to see you step foot in this bar. 228 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:38,961 Now I can call the exterminator. 229 00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:42,006 Oh, gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. Although I can't say I blame you. 230 00:14:42,173 --> 00:14:45,093 Things did kind of get out of hand, but we're both professionals here. 231 00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:48,930 Why don't we call this whole thing off before we lose any more customers? 232 00:14:49,097 --> 00:14:50,765 Look, I have to admit 233 00:14:50,932 --> 00:14:53,184 that when I first heard that you authorized these pranks, 234 00:14:53,351 --> 00:14:56,604 I was a little ticked off myself. But now that I've met you, 235 00:14:56,771 --> 00:14:58,439 why don't we call that water under the bridge 236 00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:01,901 and have a new era of peaceful coexistence? 237 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,364 All right, truce. 238 00:15:07,365 --> 00:15:11,869 Whoa, I feel like a giant weight has been lifted from my shoulders. 239 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:17,375 Do you mind if I call you sometime, maybe we'd go out for a cup of coffee? 240 00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:20,837 Sure, why not? I like coffee. 241 00:15:23,589 --> 00:15:25,383 Yep. See you. 242 00:15:27,552 --> 00:15:30,888 - How could you do that? - How could I do what? 243 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:35,977 After all that's happened around here, you can go on a date with that rat? 244 00:15:36,727 --> 00:15:38,688 Would you please not say that word? 245 00:15:43,526 --> 00:15:45,820 I happen to think Gary made a lot of sense. 246 00:15:45,987 --> 00:15:50,616 - Besides, he's kind of cute. - Cute? You think Gary's cute? 247 00:15:50,783 --> 00:15:52,910 Yeah, he's got a real cool face and a nice body. 248 00:15:53,077 --> 00:15:54,454 He looks kind of like an athlete. 249 00:15:54,620 --> 00:15:57,498 - Hey, what am I? - Jealous. 250 00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:01,961 Excuse me. 251 00:16:04,964 --> 00:16:07,216 There are sheep in my office. 252 00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:11,512 Whoa, sheep. You gotta admire that, huh? 253 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:15,183 Yeah, I thought it smelled like home. 254 00:16:17,226 --> 00:16:19,604 I'm gonna get him, I'm gonna rip his head off. 255 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:21,731 But he's so cute. 256 00:16:21,898 --> 00:16:24,275 And then I'm gonna tie him up and I'm gonna take a lighter 257 00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:27,778 and I'm gonna torch him from the tip of his toes to the top of his head. 258 00:16:27,945 --> 00:16:30,364 How come you never do stuff like that to me? 259 00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:34,785 Don't worry about it. It's all taken care of here. 260 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:39,707 - You all set? - Yep. 261 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:45,838 Toolbox, check. Coaxial cable, check. 262 00:16:46,005 --> 00:16:47,882 VCR, check. 263 00:16:48,549 --> 00:16:50,676 - Tape. - Check. 264 00:16:51,302 --> 00:16:52,595 Good luck, babe. 265 00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:56,724 Carla. Carla. Carla. 266 00:16:57,391 --> 00:16:59,393 You're not gonna do anything illegal, are you? 267 00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,187 What makes you say that? 268 00:17:11,364 --> 00:17:13,449 Now, ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, 269 00:17:13,616 --> 00:17:15,910 Gary's Old Towne Tavern is once again proud to present 270 00:17:16,077 --> 00:17:18,037 the finest in world-class boxing 271 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:21,040 on the largest-screen TV available in any bar 272 00:17:21,207 --> 00:17:23,626 in the greater metropolitan Boston area. 273 00:17:28,589 --> 00:17:32,260 Have a drink, sit back, relax, and let the bloodletting begin. 274 00:17:33,636 --> 00:17:36,013 All right, the months of waiting are over. 275 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:39,100 We've heard all the hype, we know how many millions are on the line. 276 00:17:39,267 --> 00:17:41,978 This is the big one. Here we go! 277 00:17:43,312 --> 00:17:47,316 - Good evening, I'm Norm Peterson. -And I'm Clifford C. Clavin. 278 00:17:48,651 --> 00:17:50,570 And welcome to an evening of poetry. 279 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,072 We're so glad that you've chosen to ignore the fisticuffs 280 00:17:53,239 --> 00:17:55,408 that they're watching over at Cheers right now, 281 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,702 three blocks down and on your right, 282 00:17:57,868 --> 00:17:59,912 drinks half-price if you mention, "Gary sent me. ' 283 00:18:00,079 --> 00:18:01,581 - Tapped into the cable. - Instead... 284 00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:04,917 Relax with us and enjoy as we read and interpret 285 00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:07,920 the many works of Dante Gabriel Rossetti, 286 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,923 the famous 19th-century poet and fancy guy. 287 00:18:11,632 --> 00:18:13,092 Clifford? 288 00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:16,429 Norman, I'd like to start with "The Ballad of the Dead Ladies." 289 00:18:16,596 --> 00:18:18,055 An excellent choice. 290 00:18:18,222 --> 00:18:20,016 It's written in iambic pentathlon 291 00:18:20,182 --> 00:18:23,561 with rhyming couplets every couple of couplets. 292 00:18:24,186 --> 00:18:29,567 Tell me now in what hidden way is Lady Flora the lovely Roman? 293 00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:37,366 Oh, hey, Gary. 294 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:39,869 What's up, buddy? 295 00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:42,204 I wanna know, did you enjoy the fight the other night? 296 00:18:43,164 --> 00:18:45,374 Yeah, who'd you bet on, Shelley or Keats? 297 00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:48,586 You guys are great. I'll tell you, 298 00:18:48,753 --> 00:18:50,671 I didn't know you had it in you. You know what? 299 00:18:50,838 --> 00:18:54,175 This is gonna go down in the annals of gags as one of the greatest. 300 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:56,010 Here, give me your hands, guys. 301 00:18:56,177 --> 00:18:59,263 I got something better for you, though, than a trophy now. 302 00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:00,765 - Come on, Gary. - No, no, no. 303 00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:03,893 On the level, no crossed fingers, standing on both feet. 304 00:19:04,060 --> 00:19:07,104 I am a personal friend of Wade Boggs, 305 00:19:07,271 --> 00:19:09,565 the Wade Boggs. He was gonna come over to my place, 306 00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:11,776 sign some autographs, but I rerouted him over here. 307 00:19:11,942 --> 00:19:14,528 He should be here any minute. You take good care of him, okay? 308 00:19:15,237 --> 00:19:18,532 You guys are the greatest. I didn't know you had it in you. 309 00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,368 Take care. 310 00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:23,788 Did you guys hear that? Wade Boggs is coming here. 311 00:19:23,954 --> 00:19:24,997 All right. 312 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:27,500 - Who's Wade Boggs? - Who's Wade Boggs? 313 00:19:27,667 --> 00:19:31,962 He's only the greatest third baseman in Red Sox history. Guy's a pure hitter. 314 00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,423 He's only popped up six times in five years. 315 00:19:34,590 --> 00:19:38,260 Wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm standing in a room full of idiots. 316 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:40,596 That's true. What's your point? 317 00:19:42,181 --> 00:19:45,267 Gary's not gonna send the real Wade Boggs over to see us. 318 00:19:45,434 --> 00:19:47,728 He's gonna get some guy in a Wade Boggs suit 319 00:19:47,895 --> 00:19:49,355 claiming to be Wade Boggs. 320 00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:52,566 We're all gonna slobber all over him, buy him drinks, 321 00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,235 beg him for autographs, 322 00:19:54,402 --> 00:19:57,530 and Gary will come in and bust a gut laughing at us. 323 00:19:57,697 --> 00:19:59,281 - Yeah. - Yeah, yeah, you're right. 324 00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:06,205 - Excuse me. - Can I help you? 325 00:20:06,372 --> 00:20:08,958 Yeah, Gary sent me over to sign some autographs. 326 00:20:09,125 --> 00:20:11,043 - Hi, I'm Wade Boggs. - Hi. 327 00:20:11,877 --> 00:20:13,421 Wade Boggs, huh? 328 00:20:13,587 --> 00:20:15,339 Yeah, how are you doing? I'm Babe Ruth. 329 00:20:17,007 --> 00:20:19,802 Yeah, I'm his good friend Dizzy Dean. 330 00:20:21,429 --> 00:20:23,222 And I'm Woody Boyd. 331 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:29,812 Are you sure that isn't Wade Boggs? I mean, it really looks like him. 332 00:20:29,979 --> 00:20:31,897 Carla, come on, that's not Wade Boggs. 333 00:20:32,064 --> 00:20:35,067 Wade Boggs is a big strapping lad like myself. 334 00:20:37,945 --> 00:20:39,864 Mr. Wade Boggs... 335 00:20:41,532 --> 00:20:44,744 ...what are we batting these days, something like 360, huh? 336 00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:47,204 - Three sixty-one. - Oh, is that it? 337 00:20:47,371 --> 00:20:51,834 Well, welcome to Cheers, Mr. Wade Boggs. 338 00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:56,088 I thought you folks were Red Sox fans. 339 00:20:56,255 --> 00:21:01,552 Oh, yeah, we're Red Sox fans. Sure, Mr. Wade Boggs. 340 00:21:02,219 --> 00:21:05,723 As a matter of fact, we'd like to give you a nice welcome 341 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:09,769 that we give all great sports stars that happen by to Cheers here. 342 00:21:11,020 --> 00:21:14,565 - Maybe I ought to get out of here. - Come on, guys, let's get him! 343 00:21:31,499 --> 00:21:34,418 Man, that guy was a lot quicker than he looked. 344 00:21:34,585 --> 00:21:39,507 Yeah. Let's check out this guy's wallet, find out who this joker really was. 345 00:21:39,673 --> 00:21:43,511 Yeah, this guy's name was Wade Boggs. 346 00:21:44,512 --> 00:21:46,180 Wow, what a coincidence. 347 00:21:47,431 --> 00:21:50,434 I guess Gary went to a lot of trouble to make up fake lDs for this guy 348 00:21:50,601 --> 00:21:52,353 and credit cards 349 00:21:52,520 --> 00:21:56,482 and a photo of him with Jim Rice and Dwight Evans. 350 00:21:57,441 --> 00:21:58,943 Oh, no. 351 00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:01,403 Sorry I'm late, guys. Had a rough night. 352 00:22:01,570 --> 00:22:04,824 I was out showing Gary's steady chick the time of her life. 353 00:22:08,285 --> 00:22:11,580 - I miss anything? - No, no, just an average day. 354 00:22:11,747 --> 00:22:14,083 We refilled the pretzel bowls, played a little darts, 355 00:22:14,250 --> 00:22:16,627 pantsed Wade Boggs, watched a little TV. 356 00:22:16,794 --> 00:22:17,837 Wait, you did what? 357 00:22:18,003 --> 00:22:21,006 Oh, man, we thought it was another one of Gary's tricks. 358 00:22:21,173 --> 00:22:25,135 So that's who was running out there in his underwear in traffic. 359 00:22:25,886 --> 00:22:26,929 See, don't you see? 360 00:22:27,096 --> 00:22:30,766 Gary has pulled off the greatest, most ingenious trick of them all. 361 00:22:30,933 --> 00:22:33,602 - He's gotten us to get ourselves. - Frasier's right. 362 00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:36,856 We can't top this. Gary's beaten us. 363 00:22:37,022 --> 00:22:39,191 You know, it's really rather Machiavellian. 364 00:22:40,025 --> 00:22:43,070 Hey, come on, guys. 365 00:22:43,237 --> 00:22:45,906 So we've been humiliated in every sport. 366 00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:48,909 We've still got something that Gary can't take away. 367 00:22:49,910 --> 00:22:53,038 - Our pride? - Hell, no, we never had that. 368 00:22:54,707 --> 00:22:58,586 We have got the great Wade Boggs' pants. 369 00:23:00,921 --> 00:23:03,007 Well, it's either this or nothing. 370 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:09,388 We're number one! 371 00:23:09,555 --> 00:23:12,558 We're number one! We're number one! 372 00:23:12,725 --> 00:23:15,561 We're number one! We're number one! 373 00:23:15,728 --> 00:23:16,896 - Hey! - We're number one! 374 00:23:17,062 --> 00:23:19,565 Pretty weeny.