1 00:00:01,668 --> 00:00:04,463 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:05,506 --> 00:00:06,715 Woods, refill, please. 3 00:00:07,674 --> 00:00:09,760 Yeah, sure. Whatever you want. 4 00:00:10,928 --> 00:00:13,889 Hey. Why so down in the mouth there, bud? 5 00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:16,141 Well, I'm understudying another play, 6 00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:17,684 and I know I'm never going to get to go on 7 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:19,811 because the star never gets sick. 8 00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:22,022 Darn it, the part is perfect for me. 9 00:00:22,189 --> 00:00:23,732 Yeah? What is that part? 10 00:00:23,899 --> 00:00:24,858 Moses. 11 00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:29,321 My theater group is doing an original play, 12 00:00:29,488 --> 00:00:30,739 an evening with the prophets. 13 00:00:32,491 --> 00:00:34,409 I've got more lines than any of the other Israelites. 14 00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:38,288 But I managed to jam them all in, right up here. 15 00:00:38,455 --> 00:00:40,832 Yeah, your head looks packed, all right. 16 00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:44,086 Go on, test me. Give me a cue. 17 00:00:44,253 --> 00:00:45,254 All right. 18 00:00:46,338 --> 00:00:47,464 What's the first line? 19 00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:50,968 "And I have said I will bring you up 20 00:00:51,134 --> 00:00:54,179 out of the affliction of Egypt into the land of the Canaanites, 21 00:00:54,346 --> 00:00:56,014 and the Hittites, and the Amorites, 22 00:00:56,181 --> 00:00:58,350 and the Perizzites, and the Hivites." 23 00:01:00,060 --> 00:01:02,771 Wait, what happened to the Cellulites? 24 00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:08,026 They settled in the land of Vera. 25 00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,363 Did you hear what he said? 26 00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:25,687 - Here we go. - Thank you. 27 00:02:26,521 --> 00:02:27,981 - Boy, what a day. - Yeah? 28 00:02:28,148 --> 00:02:30,317 Yeah. I can't wait for it to end. 29 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:31,818 All I can think about is getting home 30 00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:32,944 and jumping into bed. 31 00:02:33,111 --> 00:02:35,447 Need anybody to break your fall? 32 00:02:37,532 --> 00:02:39,201 Hi. Sam Malone. 33 00:02:39,368 --> 00:02:41,745 - Hi. Suzanne Porter. - How are you doing? 34 00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:43,914 Sam, you done picking up on this lady? 35 00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:48,085 Not quite, Woody. 36 00:02:48,251 --> 00:02:51,463 I'm sorry to interrupt you, but Denise called. 37 00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:54,174 Oh, Denise. 38 00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:55,884 Who's Denise? 39 00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,638 My brother's kid, De-niece. 40 00:02:59,805 --> 00:03:02,099 I have to say hi to her and De-nephew. 41 00:03:04,309 --> 00:03:07,020 - Hey, hey. - Very smooth, Sam. 42 00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:12,192 - So who's this Denise, Sam? - She was somebody. 43 00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:14,111 We had quite a thing going there a while ago. 44 00:03:14,277 --> 00:03:16,863 Then we both realized that sex wasn't anything 45 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:20,534 to base a relationship on. Six months later, we broke up. 46 00:03:21,576 --> 00:03:22,994 She must be quite a dish 47 00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:25,247 if you're willing to pass up on door number one over there. 48 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:27,708 Well, it's kind of like avocados. 49 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:31,712 One of them's ripe and ready to be squashed into guacamole. 50 00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:34,756 And the other one needs to stay on the shelf a little while longer. 51 00:03:37,676 --> 00:03:40,095 Anyway, call her back. She says it's urgent. 52 00:03:40,262 --> 00:03:41,930 The accent on urge, huh? 53 00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,766 Actually, you know, I think 54 00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:46,810 this is a call I should return in person. 55 00:03:46,977 --> 00:03:48,854 - Sam. - Hey. 56 00:03:50,897 --> 00:03:51,857 Where are you going? 57 00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:54,818 To my niece's house. Her grandma's sick. 58 00:03:54,985 --> 00:03:58,071 If it's your niece's grandma, wouldn't that be your mother? 59 00:03:58,238 --> 00:03:59,990 My mom's sick? Oh, my God! 60 00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:05,662 Excuse me. 61 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:06,830 Why don't you stick around for a little while? 62 00:04:06,997 --> 00:04:08,957 My mom bounces right back. 63 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:18,633 Hey, Sam. 64 00:04:18,800 --> 00:04:21,303 Back from the Denise decathlon? 65 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,891 Got another gold medal in the broad jump? 66 00:04:27,684 --> 00:04:30,645 You know, you got a big mouth, Clavin. 67 00:04:30,812 --> 00:04:33,148 He happens to be right, you know. 68 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:36,485 It's a genetic quirk in the Clavin family 69 00:04:36,651 --> 00:04:38,320 that we all have two extra teeth. 70 00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,989 You see, that's the only way that we can prove 71 00:04:41,156 --> 00:04:43,784 that we are the rightful heirs to the Russian throne. 72 00:04:45,952 --> 00:04:46,953 Hello in there, Cliff. 73 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,959 Tell me, what color is the sky in your world? 74 00:04:55,629 --> 00:04:56,797 What's wrong? 75 00:04:56,963 --> 00:04:59,049 I just want to be left alone for a while, all right? 76 00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:00,926 - You got it. - Thank you. 77 00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,637 Hey, everybody, Sam wants to be left alone. 78 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:06,848 Okay, Sammy, spill your guts. What's the matter? 79 00:05:07,015 --> 00:05:08,600 Carla, I just said that I want... 80 00:05:08,767 --> 00:05:10,393 Yeah, but you're gonna end up telling me eventually, 81 00:05:10,560 --> 00:05:12,270 so you might as well get it over with. 82 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,815 Go on. Make you feel better. 83 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,650 Just keep this to yourself. 84 00:05:17,484 --> 00:05:19,945 Remember how I went over to Denise's house? 85 00:05:20,111 --> 00:05:23,240 Well, she didn't invite me over for a good time. 86 00:05:23,949 --> 00:05:25,367 She wanted to show me something. 87 00:05:26,034 --> 00:05:26,868 What? 88 00:05:28,578 --> 00:05:29,830 My child. 89 00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,540 Seven pounds, ten ounces. 90 00:05:31,706 --> 00:05:32,624 A baby boy. 91 00:05:40,841 --> 00:05:42,133 What's so funny? 92 00:05:43,718 --> 00:05:47,681 Sam Malone finally got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. 93 00:05:49,266 --> 00:05:51,518 Carla, come on. This is serious. 94 00:05:52,352 --> 00:05:54,604 Oh, of course it is, Sam. 95 00:05:55,564 --> 00:05:57,732 But I really think you're going to be okay, you know? 96 00:05:57,899 --> 00:05:59,734 - Yeah? - Just remember this. 97 00:06:00,569 --> 00:06:01,903 This little piggy went to market... 98 00:06:05,824 --> 00:06:06,908 This is not funny. 99 00:06:07,075 --> 00:06:08,076 I'm sorry. 100 00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:09,870 You sure it's yours? 101 00:06:10,620 --> 00:06:12,998 No. It's between me and another guy, 102 00:06:13,164 --> 00:06:16,084 but the kid's a real looker, so, you know, you figure it out. 103 00:06:19,462 --> 00:06:21,339 So when are you going to find out, dad? 104 00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:26,386 Soon. She dragged me down to a lab to have a blood test. 105 00:06:26,553 --> 00:06:28,346 Well, what's the big deal? You know, you could just do 106 00:06:28,513 --> 00:06:29,639 what all the other jerks do. 107 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:32,392 You pay a little money for support and get off the hook. 108 00:06:32,559 --> 00:06:35,145 Carla, it means a lot more to me than that. 109 00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:40,025 I'm telling you, if this kid is mine, then I want to see that he's fed, 110 00:06:40,191 --> 00:06:42,235 that he's clothed, and he's educated. 111 00:06:42,402 --> 00:06:45,030 You know, I'm gonna take him to Little League games, too. 112 00:06:45,196 --> 00:06:47,282 I'm gonna be the best damn father you've ever seen. 113 00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:50,118 Please don't let him be mine! 114 00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:54,748 I tell you, if I get out of this, 115 00:06:54,915 --> 00:06:57,250 I swear to God, I am through fooling around forever. 116 00:06:57,417 --> 00:06:59,294 Sam, don't swear to God. 117 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:01,254 No, I mean it. I mean it. If I get out of this, 118 00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,048 I swear to God, I'll never have sex again. 119 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:07,636 You? "Never?" 120 00:07:07,802 --> 00:07:09,930 Yeah, not ever. I mean, for the rest... 121 00:07:10,680 --> 00:07:12,182 ...well, three months. 122 00:07:14,809 --> 00:07:17,604 Well, I guess the amount of sex you have in three months 123 00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,940 is what most people have in a lifetime. 124 00:07:20,106 --> 00:07:21,858 If they're attractive, I guess. 125 00:07:24,486 --> 00:07:25,820 You have a phone call from Denise. 126 00:07:31,868 --> 00:07:33,244 Carla, you know that pitcher of beer 127 00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:34,412 you left on your tray? 128 00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:36,623 Some guy from table six came and drank it. 129 00:07:36,790 --> 00:07:39,042 We don't have a table six. 130 00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,711 I knew I should have said table five. 131 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:46,341 Hello? 132 00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:48,051 Hi, Denise. 133 00:07:48,218 --> 00:07:49,636 What did the doctor say? 134 00:07:50,512 --> 00:07:53,139 Oh, thank God! 135 00:07:53,723 --> 00:07:55,100 Oh, I'm so happy! 136 00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:58,353 Well, I'm so happy for the other guy. Yeah. 137 00:07:58,520 --> 00:08:00,563 Congratulations, huh? 138 00:08:00,730 --> 00:08:03,066 Well, I'll call you some other time, then, all right? 139 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,442 Bye-bye. 140 00:08:05,068 --> 00:08:06,194 Doctor, Sam? 141 00:08:07,278 --> 00:08:08,363 Yeah. 142 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:12,534 Denise and I and this other guy share the same doctor. 143 00:08:12,701 --> 00:08:15,120 She just wanted to let me know that he'd gotten 144 00:08:15,286 --> 00:08:17,414 some new magazines in the waiting room. 145 00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,126 You lucky dog! 146 00:08:21,292 --> 00:08:23,294 Must be the Sports illustrated Swimsuit issue. 147 00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:33,138 Say, Suzanne, what do you say? You wanna help me celebrate here? 148 00:08:33,304 --> 00:08:34,305 - I'd love to. - Great! 149 00:08:34,472 --> 00:08:35,890 - What are we celebrating? - I have no idea, 150 00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:37,934 but whatever it is, we're overdressed. 151 00:08:41,104 --> 00:08:43,189 Sam, aren't you forgetting something? 152 00:08:43,356 --> 00:08:44,983 I know. I'm gonna drop by the old drugstore. 153 00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,443 Don't worry. I learned my lesson. 154 00:08:48,111 --> 00:08:49,738 Could you wait just one second? 155 00:08:49,904 --> 00:08:53,241 - What? - Does the name God ring a bell? 156 00:08:53,867 --> 00:08:56,536 - Yeah. - The guy you made a vow to? 157 00:08:57,746 --> 00:09:00,415 Oh, yeah, boy! I almost forgot about that. 158 00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:01,958 That's no big thing. 159 00:09:02,125 --> 00:09:03,752 No big thing? 160 00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:05,754 Come on, God's a sport. 161 00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,424 People make promises like that all the time, 162 00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:11,551 but if God had to collect on all of them, 163 00:09:11,718 --> 00:09:12,635 he wouldn't have any time 164 00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,472 to create natural wonders like that, for instance. 165 00:09:15,638 --> 00:09:17,390 So you'll... Oh, boy. 166 00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:19,809 Give me a minute here. 167 00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:21,311 Sammy, I don't want to tell you how to run your life, 168 00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:23,021 but I want to tell you this. 169 00:09:23,188 --> 00:09:24,606 Don't mess with God. 170 00:09:25,356 --> 00:09:27,275 Look at all the people in the Bible who did. 171 00:09:27,442 --> 00:09:30,779 The entire population of Sodom and Gomorrah. 172 00:09:30,945 --> 00:09:34,115 Lot's wife turned into a salt lick with boobs. 173 00:09:36,993 --> 00:09:39,621 Come on. What's he going to do, 174 00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:42,123 reach down from the clouds and snatch me up? 175 00:09:44,042 --> 00:09:45,502 Halt, infidel! 176 00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:04,479 Sorry, Sam. I was just at an understudy rehearsal. 177 00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,773 I thought you might get a kick out of my costume. 178 00:10:08,608 --> 00:10:09,818 You ought to warn people 179 00:10:09,984 --> 00:10:12,070 before you go around pretending to be God. 180 00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,572 You thought I was God? 181 00:10:14,739 --> 00:10:16,908 Thanks. I was only trying to be Moses. 182 00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:19,953 Hey, guys, he thought I was God! 183 00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:23,206 Sam, can we go now? 184 00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:24,290 Yeah, you bet. 185 00:10:24,457 --> 00:10:27,377 No, Sam. He has sent his messenger. 186 00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,630 What messenger? That is just Woody. 187 00:10:30,797 --> 00:10:32,507 You think it's a coincidence 188 00:10:32,674 --> 00:10:34,926 that Woody came in just at that very moment 189 00:10:35,093 --> 00:10:36,302 dressed as Moses? 190 00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:38,179 I mean, of all the places he could have been in. 191 00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:40,598 Sam, he could have been dressed as Auntie Mame. 192 00:10:40,765 --> 00:10:42,016 Would that have scared you? 193 00:10:42,183 --> 00:10:43,768 Yeah, a little. 194 00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:47,730 Let's face it, Sam. That was a warning, 195 00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:50,859 and you'd better take heed! 196 00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:54,863 Oh, come on. What's he going to do? 197 00:10:55,029 --> 00:10:56,281 Well... 198 00:10:56,906 --> 00:11:00,743 ...my cousin Tino swore he'd give up meat. 199 00:11:00,910 --> 00:11:02,912 That night, he ate a burger. 200 00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,123 The next day, his teeth fell out. 201 00:11:05,290 --> 00:11:07,876 Oh, come on, Carla, there's no connection here. 202 00:11:08,042 --> 00:11:09,961 I swore I would not have sex, so... 203 00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:20,513 Listen, I'm not really in the mood anymore. 204 00:11:20,680 --> 00:11:21,890 Why not? 205 00:11:23,474 --> 00:11:26,352 Carla's cousin Tino's teeth fell out. 206 00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:30,940 Yeah, well, maybe some other time. 207 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,192 Why don't you give me a call? 208 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:34,110 I don't have your number. 209 00:11:34,277 --> 00:11:35,361 Perfect. 210 00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,201 Are you satisfied, God's little helper? 211 00:11:43,244 --> 00:11:46,581 Oh, listen, Sam, in the interest of authenticity, 212 00:11:46,748 --> 00:11:47,916 you think there's any way I could sound 213 00:11:48,082 --> 00:11:49,626 less like God and more like Moses? 214 00:11:49,792 --> 00:11:52,086 Yeah. Stop going around scaring people. 215 00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:55,173 That's good. Now, how about the voice? 216 00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:01,971 Now, sit down. 217 00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:06,100 Now, how can I be of help? 218 00:12:07,560 --> 00:12:09,229 Well, I would like your advice, Father. 219 00:12:10,647 --> 00:12:13,399 Actually, it's for a friend of mine. 220 00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:14,943 He... 221 00:12:15,526 --> 00:12:20,490 ...got himself into kind of a bind, and so, in desperation, 222 00:12:20,657 --> 00:12:23,368 promised God he'd give up something. 223 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:25,870 And what did he promise to give up? 224 00:12:27,455 --> 00:12:28,790 Sweets. 225 00:12:30,333 --> 00:12:32,585 Oh. I see. 226 00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:37,590 Yeah, but my friend really likes sweets a lot... 227 00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,094 ...and sweets like him a lot. 228 00:12:42,345 --> 00:12:45,223 He hasn't had sweets now for about two weeks, 229 00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,767 and if he doesn't have sweets soon, he's gonna explode. 230 00:12:50,353 --> 00:12:53,356 I see. And God's contractual obligation 231 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,942 was to get your friend out of this bind you spoke of. 232 00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,986 Yes, sir, which He did. 233 00:12:58,861 --> 00:13:00,488 Well, then, what is the problem? 234 00:13:01,322 --> 00:13:03,491 Well, my friend was wondering 235 00:13:03,658 --> 00:13:05,827 what the penalty would be if he, say, 236 00:13:06,953 --> 00:13:09,831 you know, had a huge box of chocolates. 237 00:13:11,582 --> 00:13:14,961 Sam, I think this is between you and your God. 238 00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:18,047 Yeah. Right. 239 00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:20,633 Well, how... 240 00:13:21,175 --> 00:13:22,385 How did you know it was me? 241 00:13:22,552 --> 00:13:23,428 In all the years 242 00:13:23,594 --> 00:13:25,471 people have been coming here for their friends, 243 00:13:25,638 --> 00:13:28,349 I have never met one of their friends. 244 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:32,478 Well, as long as I'm busted, 245 00:13:32,645 --> 00:13:34,397 I guess I might as well tell you the truth here. 246 00:13:34,564 --> 00:13:36,983 I didn't promise to give up sweets, 247 00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:39,610 I promised to give up sex. 248 00:13:41,195 --> 00:13:43,865 That is a tough one. 249 00:13:46,242 --> 00:13:47,910 You know, Sam, 250 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:52,081 the Church does recommend chastity to unmarried people. 251 00:13:55,543 --> 00:13:57,170 Oh, I'm sorry. You were serious. 252 00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,550 How do you do that? I mean, what do you do? 253 00:14:02,717 --> 00:14:04,218 How do you not? 254 00:14:04,385 --> 00:14:06,763 I mean, are there special tricks 255 00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:08,973 or a certain way of sitting, maybe? 256 00:14:11,934 --> 00:14:16,105 Well, yes, but we are strictly forbidden to reveal it. 257 00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,482 You're kidding. 258 00:14:18,066 --> 00:14:18,941 Yes! 259 00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:26,699 You know, Sam, I think you're looking 260 00:14:26,866 --> 00:14:29,660 for someone to tell you it's all right to break your vow, 261 00:14:30,453 --> 00:14:31,954 but I can't do that. 262 00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:37,877 You know, I've found that people who come here looking for answers 263 00:14:38,669 --> 00:14:41,923 usually know what the answer is, and I think you do, too. 264 00:14:43,216 --> 00:14:44,384 Yeah, maybe. 265 00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:46,677 Well, thank you. 266 00:14:47,720 --> 00:14:48,679 No, no. 267 00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:57,897 Carla, oh, great. Look, I think I got it. 268 00:14:58,064 --> 00:14:59,941 God's gonna have to accept this one. 269 00:15:00,108 --> 00:15:02,944 "With the Lord, one day is as a thousand years, 270 00:15:03,111 --> 00:15:05,530 and a thousand years is as one day." 271 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:09,200 - So? - So, that means 272 00:15:09,367 --> 00:15:11,786 I've been out of action for 21,000 years. 273 00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,955 That's gotta be good enough for him. 274 00:15:14,122 --> 00:15:15,915 Sam, I'd like to agree with you, 275 00:15:16,082 --> 00:15:19,627 since you're so pathetic it's annoying, but no sale. 276 00:15:20,336 --> 00:15:22,004 All right, all right. I still got Deuteronomy here. 277 00:15:23,756 --> 00:15:26,300 Don't look, Sammy. Temptation at 12:00. 278 00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:32,849 Oh, God. 279 00:15:33,015 --> 00:15:34,517 Man, they're coming in waves. 280 00:15:39,021 --> 00:15:39,981 Cheers. 281 00:15:41,190 --> 00:15:42,233 This is him. 282 00:15:44,652 --> 00:15:47,905 You're kidding. Moses has an ear infection. 283 00:15:49,323 --> 00:15:52,785 All right! Yeah. I'll be right there. 284 00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,412 So, Woody, they're gonna let you go on? 285 00:15:54,579 --> 00:15:57,790 No. I got to stop by the drugstore and pick up some antibiotics. 286 00:15:59,876 --> 00:16:03,129 So, believe it or not, I've given up sex entirely, 287 00:16:03,296 --> 00:16:05,548 but you gotta promise not to tell anybody. 288 00:16:05,715 --> 00:16:08,801 Sam, confidentiality is the bedrock of my profession. 289 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,094 Besides, who'd believe me? 290 00:16:11,471 --> 00:16:12,430 You were saying? 291 00:16:12,597 --> 00:16:15,349 Well, I was just wondering what you think I ought to do. 292 00:16:16,350 --> 00:16:19,228 Well, you need to find another outlet for your sexual energies. 293 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:20,938 For example... 294 00:16:21,105 --> 00:16:24,817 During six painfully frustrating months of my adolescence, 295 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:27,153 I built a submarine in our basement. 296 00:16:28,738 --> 00:16:30,114 One of those little plastic models? 297 00:16:30,281 --> 00:16:31,908 No. Life-size. Slept six. 298 00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,328 The happiest hours of my youth were spent down there 299 00:16:35,495 --> 00:16:37,914 in the dark shouting, "Fire one!" 300 00:16:39,165 --> 00:16:40,917 "Fire two!" 301 00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:43,836 Well, enough about me. 302 00:16:44,504 --> 00:16:46,130 Let's address this problem, Sam. 303 00:16:46,297 --> 00:16:48,758 Well, I don't know anything about submarines. 304 00:16:48,925 --> 00:16:50,635 Surely, you have other interests. 305 00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,887 Sports, sailing, music? 306 00:16:53,054 --> 00:16:55,389 Well, yeah, I had a piano lesson once. 307 00:16:56,557 --> 00:16:59,018 Actually, I had the piano teacher, and it was twice. 308 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:02,855 I liked it. 309 00:17:03,022 --> 00:17:06,192 Well, I tell you. if you were to sit down at the piano today 310 00:17:06,359 --> 00:17:08,444 and channel your energies into it, 311 00:17:08,611 --> 00:17:10,154 you would find all your sexual tensions 312 00:17:10,321 --> 00:17:11,697 pouring out through your fingertips. 313 00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:14,575 Yeah. Fingertips. Yeah, right. 314 00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,703 And best of all, Sam, no matter how badly you perform, 315 00:17:17,870 --> 00:17:19,205 a piano never laughs, 316 00:17:20,331 --> 00:17:21,582 never stomps out of the room and refuses 317 00:17:21,749 --> 00:17:23,459 to let you play again for three days. 318 00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:27,547 Well... I'm off to Lilith. 319 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:34,762 Sam, would you please lock up? 320 00:17:35,429 --> 00:17:36,722 I'm going home to bed. 321 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:37,890 Okay. Good night. 322 00:17:40,726 --> 00:17:41,936 Did you hear me? 323 00:17:42,895 --> 00:17:44,772 I said I'm going to go to bed. 324 00:17:44,939 --> 00:17:47,149 Well, I hope you get a good night's sleep. 325 00:17:47,858 --> 00:17:49,110 Thank you. 326 00:17:50,236 --> 00:17:55,199 Carla, I just left myself wide open for one of Sam's sleazy remarks, 327 00:17:55,366 --> 00:17:56,867 and nothing. 328 00:17:57,034 --> 00:17:59,453 I mean, not that I want to, but what does it mean 329 00:17:59,620 --> 00:18:02,623 when you can't turn on the horniest guy that ever lived? 330 00:18:03,916 --> 00:18:05,710 I am really getting old. 331 00:18:05,876 --> 00:18:08,170 Rebecca, would you stop being ridiculous? 332 00:18:08,337 --> 00:18:11,215 You're still a young, beautiful, vibrant woman 333 00:18:11,382 --> 00:18:12,842 with a whole life ahead of her. 334 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:14,552 Are you just saying that? 335 00:18:14,719 --> 00:18:15,970 Yes, I am. 336 00:18:17,638 --> 00:18:19,599 I was taught to humor old folks. 337 00:18:24,687 --> 00:18:27,607 Carla, I can't take this anymore. 338 00:18:27,773 --> 00:18:30,568 I mean, I've tried everything. I've stopped eating oysters. 339 00:18:30,735 --> 00:18:31,861 I'm taking cold showers. 340 00:18:32,028 --> 00:18:34,405 I even started stuffing ice in my pockets. 341 00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:36,991 I tell you, I'm not gonna make it. 342 00:18:37,158 --> 00:18:38,951 Oh, Sammy, buck up. 343 00:18:39,118 --> 00:18:40,786 You only have nine more weeks to go. 344 00:18:40,953 --> 00:18:42,413 I'm talking about tonight. 345 00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:53,799 Guess who. 346 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:55,259 I'll give you a hint... 347 00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:59,430 Vermont ski lodge, a roaring fire, and baby oil. 348 00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:02,975 Could you be more specific? 349 00:19:05,061 --> 00:19:06,228 Gravity boots. 350 00:19:06,395 --> 00:19:08,439 Oh, Rachel Patterson. 351 00:19:08,606 --> 00:19:10,983 - Oh, look at you. - Hi, Sam. How are you? 352 00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,653 Oh, boy. I tell you, honey, you're the last person in the world 353 00:19:13,819 --> 00:19:14,737 I want to see right now. 354 00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:17,031 Nice to see you, too. 355 00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:20,493 Listen, I have got an 18-hour layover, 356 00:19:20,660 --> 00:19:22,745 and I'm not the least bit sleepy. 357 00:19:23,329 --> 00:19:25,081 How would you like to help me kill some time? 358 00:19:25,247 --> 00:19:26,165 Listen... 359 00:19:26,957 --> 00:19:28,709 ...actually, I hear movies are good 360 00:19:28,876 --> 00:19:30,586 for that kind of thing. Why don't you... 361 00:19:31,128 --> 00:19:34,465 ...take in about two or three right in a row there. 362 00:19:34,632 --> 00:19:36,592 I know. Smell. 363 00:19:37,259 --> 00:19:40,721 I'm wearing that perfume that always drove you so crazy. 364 00:19:41,305 --> 00:19:42,598 "Devastation," huh? 365 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:47,520 Actually, I got this head cold. 366 00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:49,855 I wouldn't want you to catch it. 367 00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:51,315 I'm sorry. 368 00:19:52,608 --> 00:19:54,485 What do you say? Some other time? 369 00:19:54,652 --> 00:19:55,653 Well... 370 00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,321 Okay. 371 00:19:59,782 --> 00:20:01,158 - Sam... - Yeah? 372 00:20:01,325 --> 00:20:04,286 A friend of mine snapped this of me on a beach in Ipanema. 373 00:20:04,453 --> 00:20:05,705 I thought you might like a copy. 374 00:20:12,878 --> 00:20:15,131 Would you excuse me just for a minute here? 375 00:20:19,635 --> 00:20:20,761 Look at this. 376 00:20:24,390 --> 00:20:26,016 I mean, this is not fair. 377 00:20:27,184 --> 00:20:28,769 I'm going for it. 378 00:20:28,936 --> 00:20:30,771 It's not like I'm murdering anybody. 379 00:20:30,938 --> 00:20:32,273 I'm just gonna bring 380 00:20:32,440 --> 00:20:34,400 a great deal of pleasure to two people. 381 00:20:37,319 --> 00:20:39,321 So if in your infinite wisdom 382 00:20:39,488 --> 00:20:42,032 you feel you have to spite me down, 383 00:20:42,783 --> 00:20:44,368 then please make it quick and painless. 384 00:20:46,912 --> 00:20:49,498 And if you could give me about three hours, I'd appreciate it. 385 00:20:52,501 --> 00:20:53,753 Okay. 386 00:21:00,760 --> 00:21:01,719 Sam? 387 00:21:08,017 --> 00:21:09,310 "Devastation." 388 00:21:11,979 --> 00:21:13,939 The hound is loose. 389 00:21:16,066 --> 00:21:18,611 Please, go easy on him. 390 00:21:27,828 --> 00:21:29,371 Sammy, now you've done it. 391 00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:33,042 There's nothing in your future but frogs and locusts. 392 00:21:34,460 --> 00:21:36,545 Why did you have to go and do it, Sammy? 393 00:21:37,588 --> 00:21:38,506 I didn't do it. 394 00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:39,590 What? 395 00:21:39,757 --> 00:21:41,342 I didn't do it. 396 00:21:42,259 --> 00:21:43,886 We went to the hotel. 397 00:21:44,595 --> 00:21:46,138 She got into bed. 398 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,015 I got into bed with her. 399 00:21:48,808 --> 00:21:50,810 Then I was folding up my socks... 400 00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:51,936 You fold up your socks? 401 00:21:52,102 --> 00:21:53,687 Sure. I'm not an animal. 402 00:21:58,192 --> 00:21:59,109 Anyway, 403 00:21:59,902 --> 00:22:01,278 all of a sudden, for no reason, 404 00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:05,491 I went over and I opened the nightstand drawer, 405 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:08,661 and there it was, staring right up at me... 406 00:22:09,453 --> 00:22:10,955 ...the Bible. 407 00:22:11,121 --> 00:22:14,416 Can you imagine that, a Bible in a hotel room? 408 00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:19,213 So we got out of there real quick, and we got another room, 409 00:22:19,380 --> 00:22:22,091 and there it was again. 410 00:22:23,551 --> 00:22:25,761 I mean, we went from hotel to hotel, 411 00:22:25,928 --> 00:22:27,638 and it just followed us wherever we went. 412 00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:30,182 Then it dawned on me... 413 00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:33,435 ...this was a bona fide miracle. 414 00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:37,731 God was speaking to me directly through hotel nightstands. 415 00:22:39,692 --> 00:22:42,069 He works in mysterious ways. 416 00:22:43,028 --> 00:22:44,989 Amen. 417 00:22:45,781 --> 00:22:47,741 Excuse me, Sam, but in all the years 418 00:22:47,908 --> 00:22:49,994 you played baseball traveling throughout the country, 419 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:52,997 all the hotel rooms you stayed in, didn't you ever once notice... 420 00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:56,876 Frasier, Sam was just telling us about a miracle 421 00:22:57,042 --> 00:22:59,461 that affected him very deeply. 422 00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:01,755 Now, what was it that you were noticing? 423 00:23:04,550 --> 00:23:06,093 They always put those little strips of paper 424 00:23:06,260 --> 00:23:07,177 across the toilet. 425 00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,139 Just an observation. 426 00:23:13,183 --> 00:23:17,646 Sammy, I'm so proud of you. If you could hold out last night, 427 00:23:17,813 --> 00:23:19,481 you can make it the whole three months. 428 00:23:21,233 --> 00:23:22,860 Sam, I'm late for a party. 429 00:23:23,027 --> 00:23:24,403 Can you help me with this zipper? 430 00:23:33,746 --> 00:23:34,872 Sam... 431 00:23:35,497 --> 00:23:37,166 - Sam! - Piano. 432 00:23:37,333 --> 00:23:39,752 Piano, Sam. For God's sake, piano.