Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
I don't know, Eddie. Try under the bed.
Well, if they're not there, look in the back of the closet
or behind the dresser or in the washing machine.
Yeah, if you still can't find them, call me back.
I swear to God.
That man would lose his head if it weren't bolted on.
What's up there, Carla?
Eddie wants to take the twins for a walk.
Can't find his shoes, huh?
No, he can't find the twins.
Excuse me.
No, no, it was my fault.
I'm sorry. Are you okay?
I'm just fine.
But how nice of you to be so completely concerned.
Well, you know, you can't be too careful these days.
So...
When's your baby due?
I'm not pregnant.
Oh. well, then I really am sorry. Excuse me.
Why don't you just watch where you're going then next time, buster!
Sam, does this outfit
make me look like I've put on a little weight?
The outfit? Uh...
Yeah-- No, that's what it must be, right.
Turn around. Let me see.
Yeah, blame it on the outfit.
You know, you've been wearing
an awful lot of fat clothes recently, haven't you.
Oh, just shut up, butthead!
She called me butthead.
I think I'm going to cry.
Don't worry, Sam.
It only looks that way from the back.
You want another beer, Mr. P?
Love to, Woody, but I gotta get back
To painting Frasier and Lilith's place.
This is the first job anyone's given me in four months.
I'm not gonna do anything to jeopardize it.
I'm really making an effort this time
to be the kind of dependable professional
that I'd like to have working for me.
See you, Mr. Peterson.
What, Wood?
I said I'll see you.
Well, damn it, Woody, now you made me late, man.
As long as I'm late, I'll just have another beer.
Much better. Much better.
I never thought our wedding portrait lived there.
Where should it go, Ivan?
Here's a spot.
Perfect. Why clutter a home with mementos?
Did I tell you last night I programmed myself
to dream about your space?
You didn't. We're thrilled.
To begin with, we lose this wall.
By "lose," you mean we redesign it so that it practically disappears?
Or "lose," we knock it down
So we're left facing the back of our stove?
Fret not. We'll be transforming il Cucina
into an atrium.
I love this idea.
I adore it.
But what about eating?
I design. I don't eat.
Now over here, I imagine removing the ceiling
and extending the wall up to the second story,
culminating in a skylight to flood the room with natural illumination.
But, uh, that's our bedroom up there.
Is that all you people think about, eating and sleeping?
Tell me this was a gift.
Doctor, might I have a word with you?
Certainly, doctor.
How do you feel about Ivan?
Feel? Lilith, the man is one of the most famous designers in the city.
He's been written up in every magazine
From Metropolitan Home to HG.
He's got more awards on his shelves than we have shelves.
I'd like to beat the crap out of him.
Maybe we should let him go.
If that's your final decision, my cherub, I concur.
The heave-ho.
Wait. At the risk of sounding sexist,
I do believe this is man's work. It requires a firm hand.
Please feel free to leave the room if you must.
This could get unpleasant.
Sir?
You're too good for us.
Your masterful design would make our poor little lives
just seem drab by comparison.
Course, we'll see to your severance pay. Two weeks?
Six months.
Fine.
I can't tell you what a once-in-a-lifetime thrill it's been
to bask in your talent.
Bye-bye, now. Watch the steps!
I only hope he can recover from that tongue-lashing.
So, dandelion,
now that you've given away the farm to Ivan,
do you have some Swiss bank account we can empty
to pay another decorator?
I'll go that one better, Dove bar.
I submit that between the two of us,
we have enough taste and intelligence to redesign our own habitat
sans outside help.
Bite me. I love you.
I take back my bite. We suck.
Much better.
Much better!
Pardon me?
Yes, by simply moving that chair,
an intimate conversation area is created,
at the same time opening up a new traffic pattern
that gives the entire room a whole new dynamic sense of flow.
Plus, I can spackle behind here.
Of course...
If you really want a better shot at the intimate thing,
I'd take these-- what do you call these--
These Louis Couture's jobbies,
and move them over like so.
Get the table over this way.
Ok. now this table would have to come...
like yea.
And... sofa would come around this way, of course.
Ok? Now, uh...
That desk has got to come out of there. You put the piano into the bay, all right?
That chrome and glass, you put into the harbor.
Tell you what, I'd move into the warm tones, all right?
Reupholster, re-drape the whole damn thing.
Splash a little bit of paisley around.
Throw down a nice Bokhara rug,
top it off with a fine piece or two of chinoiserie,
and we're there.
Bite us, Norm. We love you.
So what do you got in there, Woodsky?
Oh, boy! My aunt Edna's killer fudge brownies!
Oh, killers, eh?
Yeah, they're called that because the first time my uncle Ford
ever smelled them baking,
he came running in from the field and got hit by a combine.
He hung on for a few days.
At the end, he was just praying to die.
Well, eat up, everybody.
Hi, everybody.
Oh, hey, Rebecca.
Want a brownie?
Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot.
A moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.
You know, Rebecca,
I don't know why you're so concerned about your figure?
Back in the renaissance time,
full-figured women were revered.
Get out.
- It's true. - Yeah?
Yeah. Artists would only paint big, voluptuous women.
In fact, that's how they got rid of a lot of their old paint.
Speaking of weight and stuff, I got a riddle.
Which is heavier,
a pound of Cliff's brain
or a pound of dead flies?
It's a trick question.
A pound is a pound. they both weigh the same.
Go ahead. Ask me another Mr. Clavin's brain question.
Ok. let's see...
if you drop Cliff's brain and a bowling ball off the top of the empire state building--
Yeah?
Norm, we had to rush over to tell you.
The new window treatment you designed just went up.
It is spectacular.
Are you speaking to another Norm,
or do you have a death wish?
Beg pardon?
You think I want these people to know I'm an interior decorator?
We're sorry, Norm.
It's just we simply cannot moderate our approbation.
Give it a shot, okay?
But you should be decorating professionally.
No, please.
Doing you both a favor was one thing.
Any more of this interior decorating junk
could really eat in to my reputation
as a lazy beer-guzzling lump of mashed potatoes.
But, Norm, you have a gift.
Gift? Try curse, pal.
I spent my whole damn life trying to cover up the fact
that I have a great sense of color and I always know where to stick the ottoman.
It's a pity. You see, we've just met this new couple,
and they need a decorator.
Dearest, Norm has made his feelings clear.
They're very well-off.
Frasier, it's not a matter of money.
They're willing to pay 5 figures.
But, Frasier--
Hey, Elvira, back off!
If the left side of Cliff's brain leaves New York on a train
traveling 65 miles per hour,
and the right side of Cliff's brain leaves LA--
Wait, wait, wait. let me get a pencil.
Yeah!
Damn, I am good!
Bring these people on. I'll wipe up the floor with this.
Who are they, anyhow?
Well, actually, they're friends of friends.
But I have to warn you.
They're the essence of the "Y" word.
That's the yuppie word for yuppie.
Are you implying that I'm a yuppie?
Oh, forgive me. I erred.
And if I ever do it again, you may cut out my tongue
and serve it to me on a fajita.
Well, here we go.
I'm gonna take one last look in the kitchen.
Hi! We were just talking about you.
Kiss, kiss.
Yes, yes.
Sorry we're late. we couldn't decide
Whether to take the Range Rover or the BMW.
Don't keep us in suspense.
The beamer.
Well, we're all here now. What fun.
Kir Royales all around?
That'd be great, Frats.
I can't get over
what your decorator has done with this place.
It's warm, it's solid, it's real.
It's super.
Oh, hi. What's going on?
Hi
Kim and Robert Cooperman,
I'd like you to meet our decorator Norman Peterson.
Hi.
You know, this is the last cold beer. We could split it or something.
No, thanks. We're taken care of.
Ok. well, suit yourself.
Sit down, everybody.
It's beautiful and functional.
You know, Frasier told me a little about your place,
so I did take the liberty of jotting down a few ideas.
Uh, excuse me. are those cocktail napkins?
Yeah. I'm sorry, did you need one?
No.
Veggie pate?
Oh, yes, yes, please! I'm on empty over here.
Anyway...
I heard your place is pretty modern, you know,
and most of your stuff is kind of gray.
So I thought, maybe, you know,
some, you know, color would be good.
Actually, we hadn't totally sold ourselves
on the concept of change.
Oh.
You could keep some of your old stuff
And, you know, throw in some new stuff, too.
Frats, could you help me with this wall treatment?
Sushi? I rolled it myself.
What's going on? I'm dying over here.
Well, it's not you, Norm. It's them.
Yeah?
They're narrow-minded, trend-sucking dilettantes
Who insist that their chefs be French,
that their mechanics be German,
And that their designers be...
Stylish.
Oh. you mean...
Stylish.
Very stylish.
Enough said, Frasier.
I'm sorry, Norm.
This could have been a real lucrative job for you.
I don't know what to say.
That's okay. I do.
Listen...
Did I tell you that, uh,
last night I programmed myself to dream about your space?
Miss Howe, I don't mean to insult you,
But you're looking kinda puny.
Have you lost weight?
Is this a setup?
Did Sam tell you to say that?
No, ma'am. I told myself to say it.
I'm worried about you.
If you're not careful, you're gonna start wasting away.
And pretty soon, your ribs will start to show,
like this guy back in Hanover, Carl Lefferts.
Of course, he'd been dead a while when they found him.
Thank you, Woody.
That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me all week.
Your hair's been looking kind of ratty, too.
Unfortunately, that's the second nicest thing.
What, no kiss?
No. I've got to weigh myself.
We got your scale here back here.
What's it doing behind the bar?
We needed it to settle an argument
About how much Mr. Clavin's brain weighs.
I think I am in for a pleasant surprise.
Your weight is 162 pounds.
What!
I--
Malone!
Get out here! I know what you just did!
Congratulations.
Not you! I was talking--
Forget it!
Ok, okay.
Cliff's brain is found murdered in a room.
All the doors and windows are locked.
Good. He's here. Hello, Norman!
What's going on?
Oh! Hi.
No, no, no, let's sit up here.
Um, well!
Dick and Della Tracy,
how did you ever track me down?
The address on the cocktail napkin
you did your sketches on.
You're good.
You know, Norman,
we've never been in a gay bar before.
Yeah.
It seems just like a regular bar.
Honey, look at those two.
Anyway, how about some drinks. Miss?
- Yeah? - No, I'll take care of it.
He's kind of touchy since the operation.
Yo!
Wood-o, my friends and I need
A couple of white wine spritzers
And a beer--spritzer.
Are you feeling okay?
Sure. Very manly. Never more so.
Spritzers a toi on the way.
Thank you.
You know, Norman,
we didn't just pop in here on a whim.
We love the work you did on our place so much
that we want you to do our mountain retreat next.
Gee, I don't know.
My schedule's kind of--
We know it's an inconvenience.
So can we double your rate?
Only because I love you kids so much.
Listen, if you could scope it out this weekend, that would be super.
- Super. - Super.
Super.
I'm glad you can make it, because we have another friend
we've been dying for you to meet.
And he's really cute.
He?
Well, unless somebody's already snapped you up.
Well... yeah, darn it.
I have been snapped up.
By, um...
That fellow over there.
The one who had the operation?
Bite your tongue, no!
No, the tall hunk rinsing glasses.
Wait a minute.
Isn't that Sam Malone, the pitcher?
I've heard of him. Didn't he used to play for the Sox?
Uh... yes. Yes.
But now he plays for me.
Oh, man, the guys at the gym are gonna freak!
Why don't you bring him over and introduce him to us.
I think he's probably a little bit too busy right now.
All right. I'll get him.
Sam, could I have a word, please?
Yeah. Now. Come here.
Sam, I need a favor, pal.
Look, I have these clients.
And they're big fans of yours.
And it would mean a lot
if you could just come over and say hi to them.
Oh, yeah. No problem.
Thanks, Sammy. Thanks, bud.
And one more thing, man, okay?
We're lovers.
Kids...
This is Sam Malone.
Sam Malone, this is Kim and Robert Cooperman.
Pleased to meet you.
You sure do make a cute couple.
Just accept the compliment, honey.
Thanks.
I have a confession to make.
We came in here tonight
to try to fix Norman up with another man.
Naughty, naughty.
But since you two are together,
how about if the four of us spend a weekend at the cabin?
It'll be a hoot!
Is that good for you, Sam?
What do you mean, is it good for me?
It stinks for me, man.
I can't hack this. Don't do this to me.
Listen, I like babes.
I love babes.
And babes love me.
Babes. Babes.
Babes.
"Babes" is his pet word for linebackers.
Norman, I pride myself
on being a very perceptive person.
Now is something amiss?
Yeah. Sam and I have had a tiff.
Look, maybe meeting Michael is just the thing you need.
He lives right around the corner. Kim, go call him.
No. no, no, no, folks, please.
I can't go on with this any longer.
Look, I don't care if it costs me the job.
I gotta tell you the truth, okay?
I wanted to be your decorator,
so I pretended to be who I thought you wanted me to be.
But...
It's time I came out of the closet.
I'm straight.
Impossible.
No, no, I...
Ever since I was a little boy, I've known that I prefer girls.
Actually, I'm a guy with a wife.
I mean, uh... I sleep with Vera.
I sleep next to her.
Actually it's in the room next to her, but, uh...
I do keep the door open.
But the point is...
I think you should judge people for what they do,
not for... who they do.
You're absolutely right, Norman.
I can't believe we've been the perpetrators of this kind of discrimination.
We'll see you, Norman.
No. Well, listen, hey, folks,
I can still, you know, decorate your mountain retreat, there.
Kim and I happen to be people of principle.
And we put our trust in you, our faith.
We trusted you with our most prized possession, our home.
How did you return that trust?
You lied to us. You betrayed us.
You made fools of us.
I could do it for half price.
Here's the key. There's Perrier in the fridge.
If the neighbors ask, you're a plumber.
Gotcha. Can do. Thank you so much.
Thank you.
How about those Celtics, huh?
What? What?
What?
Norm, how could you do this to us?
What? Do what?
We're your best friends.
I can't believe that you didn't feel close enough
to share this part of your life with us.
This part? What?
Guys, I'm straight. I'm not gay.
Who cares about that?
You can get stuff at wholesale!
- I need a sofa. - Yeah?
And I could use a lamp.
Can you get me a deal on a good Barcalounger?
All right. All right.
But I have to tell you folks that I am not cheap.
Even for your lover?