Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Excuse me.
Does a Carla Tortelli LeBec née Lozuponi work here?
You're talking to her. What's it to you?
My name is Whitley Morris.
I represent the estate of your late grandfather,
Antonio Lozuponi.
No doubt you know that Antonio deserted
your grandmother in 1921.
What you may not know is that he hopped a freight
to Los Angeles that year,
taking with him only his lucky quarter.
He worked packing fruit until he raised enough capital
to open up his own business selling candied peaches.
With the profits from this, he invested in oil,
and through judicious management
of his funds amassed a fortune well in excess of $20 million.
Miss, can I order a beer?
What do I look like, a waitress?
Go on. Go on.
On his deathbed, Antonio felt remorse for the family
he left behind in Boston, and he made out a will
leaving his entire fortune
to the surviving Lozuponis, of which you are one.
Yeah, yeah?
Unfortunately, this was not discovered until the death last month
of Antonio's unscrupulous illegitimate son Paolo,
who suppressed the will
and in ten short years squandered the entire fortune
on fast horses and loose women.
What does that leave me?
Grandfather Lozuponi's lucky quarter.
Congratulations.
Woody?
Yes, Miss Howe.
I just got my butt chewed out on your account.
Must've been a real light eater.
My boss was going through the personnel records,
and he found an alarming discrepancy.
Okay...
I confess.
I was $3.47 short on the receipts last October,
so I put money in from my pocket.
I always knew it would catch up with me.
You don't have to say anything, Miss Howe.
I'll get my things and leave quietly.
Woody, I'm not talking about that.
Oh. Then never mind.
Woody, the comptroller found out
that you have been working at Cheers for four years,
and you have never taken one vacation.
That's true. I have a perfect attendance record.
Well, you have to take one now. It's company policy.
Well, I don't like vacations. I like working here.
I like the people.
Well, why should I leave? What's the point?
The point is a happy workplace!
The point is dealing with stress.
Look at you, Woody. Can't you see
that you're on the verge of an emotional burnout?
Gee, I am beginning to feel a little on edge.
I'm sorry, Woody.
Woody, why don't you just do this for me, please?
Why don't you go take a trip and see your folks?
My folks were just here.
Whoa, Woody. Your parents were in Boston?
Why didn't you bring them by to meet us?
What, like they got nothing better to do?
Good point.
I'm gonna call the corporate travel agent
and have her create a wonderful trip for you, Woody.
You're gonna love it.
If you say so, Miss Howe.
Look, Woody, travel is great.
When I left the country to go see expo, it gave me
a whole new slant on life.
- Really? - Oh, yeah.
You haven't lived until you've seen Bonanza
dubbed into French Canadian.
Woody, let's go.
So, Frase, where's Lilith these days?
It's been three or four weeks since we've seen old death with hips.
You're not trying to hide her from us, are you?
No, no. Why would I do a thing like that?
How's she handling her pregnancy?
Same as any other woman,
perfectly normal. Nothing unusual.
Well, true, she does experience
the occasional temporary hormonal imbalance,
but you know Lilith. She's so repressed emotionally
that only her husband would notice.
Lay your hands upon me, everyone.
I am life.
Oh, boy.
I am mother.
My man's seed is nourished within me.
Touch my breasts, my friend.
I am lactating.
Well, I tell you, this is kind of a first for me,
but I'm going to pass.
Forgive me for bursting in on you
but the little bud couldn't bear to be parted from his/her daddy
another instant.
Whisper to him/her through my navel.
Later, after I finish this drink.
Perhaps a few more.
Oh, Carla, sister-woman...
Why didn't you ever share with me
the religious wonder of this experience
when you were great with child?
I was too busy puking.
A small price to pay for becoming a fountain of life.
A moist, nourishing acre of loam,
from which shall spring the future of the human race.
Speaking of puking,
would you excuse me for a minute?
I am a cradle of life.
My womb is the Tigris and the Euphrates.
I am a slender tendril reaching back to the primordial ooze.
I'm planning on having her committed.
It must've been a very difficult decision for you.
Oddly enough, no.
I don't know what they did with the birth goo,
and I don't want to know.
But the placenta is the tidal pool of life.
I'm planting mine under a tree in the backyard
so my nutrients can feed its roots.
I shall become one with the planet.
I shall suckle the earth itself.
I shall unite with...
For God's sake, woman, get hold of yourself!
You're having a baby! Big deal.
A fly is a mother a thousand times.
You don't see her making an ass of herself
in front of her husband's friends.
I beg your pardon.
Well, Lilith, it was fine in the privacy of our own home,
but, I mean, now you're embarrassing me
in front of people who would like to be my peers.
I'm sorry, Frasier.
I thought you were as enraptured
by this life force we're creating as I am.
Well, I am in theory.
Oh, yes. Well, that's right. For the man, it's all theory.
For the mother, it's the deepest,
richest, most moving, all-encompassing love
you'd ever hope to imagine, but I'll suppress it for you.
Are you happy?
That's my girl.
Lilith, you misunderstood.
I loved it.
Darling? Angel face?
Pea pod?
He's a dead man.
Yeah, put the tag on his toe, close the drawer.
- Hey, Normie, looky here. - Yeah?
I was on my route, somebody gave me
a box of chocolates. You want one?
- Yeah. - Here you go.
Assortment, huh?
You know, I like butter creams,
but I can never tell which one's which.
No.
Not this one, either.
Hey, Frase.
What's the latest with Madame Ovary?
Oh, she's fine.
You don't sound too happy about it.
Well, frankly, Sam, I'm not.
I feel like hell for what I said to her the other day.
I've taken the most beautiful experience of her life and turned it
into something as pedestrian as flossing one's teeth.
I wish I could take back every hateful word I said.
Frase... No. Nougat.
Vera and I have this little technique that we use
that whenever we say something that we regret to each other,
we agree never to talk about it again,
and it works like a charm.
Well, Norm, I don't agree.
Once you start to bury your feelings,
you stop talking.
You finally don't spend any time together at all.
Right. Works like a charm.
Do you believe that?
An entire box of chocolates and not one butter cream.
I hate that!
Woody, your passport came.
Thanks, Miss Howe.
Gee, Woody, where are you going?
Oh, I'm going to Venice and then Florence.
Then I got to see the Seven Hills of something or other, I don't know.
Woody, you're gonna love Italy.
I'll never forget my first trip,
bunking in youth hostels, thumbing rides,
this wild fling with this crazy Italian boy
who never told me his name,
and then one night getting hold of some cheap wine
and getting really plastered and ripping off all my clothes...
Changing for choir practice.
I was with my church group.
Seems like you used to be a lot more fun back then.
When did you lose this childlike love of life?
And why couldn't I have known you
back when you were cheap and slutty?
What's this, Miss Howe?
Oh, they just want to know who to notify
in case of death or accident.
What do they think is gonna happen to me over there?
They don't think anything is gonna happen, Woody.
Just calm down.
What's this about not smuggling foreign meats into the country?
What's wrong with foreign meat?
And if there is something wrong with it,
what's going to happen to me after I've been eating it for a week?
And look. It says here if I mutilate this passport,
it renders it invalid?
Suppose I'm just about to go through US customs,
some crazy person breaks into my luggage,
mutilates my passport, and fills my suitcase full of meat.
That's a chance all travelers take.
Why, there's my Kanga and her little Roo.
Do you feel the butterfly of life fluttering within you?
It's either that or gas.
Could I speak with you for a moment in relative privacy?
Of course.
Now, I know you don't want me carrying on about the pregnancy,
and, believe me, I don't intend to,
but I thought as a doctor you might like to hear one thing.
What is that?
It sounds like...
It is.
Is it... a little heartbeat?
My child's heartbeat.
Life. I am a giver of life.
I have planted my seed.
I am your fertile ground.
Lo, see what we have wrought.
Let's go sleep on the roof nude, my dear,
and let the rain nourish our child.
Yes, why not? Nude and unashamed.
Why should we be ashamed? Our child will never be ashamed.
Want to bet?
Oh, Woodman, today's the day, huh?
Yeah. You ready for the big trip, bud?
I guess so. I'm just going through this book
trying to put together a few useful Italian phrases.
- Let's hear one. - All right.
"sono stato orrendamente straziato
in un disastro ferroviario.
Per favore, sparatemi."
That's great. What's it mean?
"I have been hideously mangled in a train accident. Please shoot me."
Woody.
- Greetings, everyone. - Ho. My goodness.
What time are you two due at the square dance?
I'll thank you to be serious. My woman made this shirt.
It's my first.
Yes, we've decided to stop parasitically living
off the labor of others.
From now on, we provide for ourselves.
We've been examining our lives, and we've discovered
some frightening things.
You finally found Diane walled up in Frasier's crawl space?
We're so civilized,
we've cut ourselves off from our true animal nature.
Accordingly, we've decided to forsake the city
and go live in the wilderness.
Yes. We're going to leave behind the 20th century,
and I will build a cabin with my own two hands
and the sweat of my brow.
You guys want these pretzels?
No. No thank you.
From now on, I only eat what I kill.
Then I suggest you kill about a half-dozen beers
and lighten up.
Don't you think you guys are getting a little carried away?
I mean, all of us want to chuck it all sometimes,
but you can live to regret that kind of thing.
I mean, believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
Sammy, excuse me. You're not gonna tell
that long, boring story about how you sold the bar
and bought a boat to sail around the world
and then the boat sank, are you?
No, Norm.
Come on. I'm perfectly aware
how that turning point in my life means nothing to you.
So I'm going to tell a story about...
...a friend of mine who bought a truck
to drive around the world.
Sam, if this story is meant to discourage us,
it's going to fall on deaf ears.
I have already burned our last bridge. I'm proud to announce
that the doctor has given up his practice.
- Oh, come on. - You did what?
Yes. We put our house on the market,
I helped Lilith compose her letter of resignation
to Boston General,
and I just cancelled my paranoia workshop.
So all we need to do now is buy a stout ax
and a plot of land in the wilderness.
And I'll stand by your side
and bear your young and cook your meals.
Try not to get them mixed up.
No. Wait. Hold it. Listen.
Have either of you even lived outside of the city?
Well, I admit we are urbanites,
but we've always enjoyed the country
whenever we've flown over it.
Listen. Why don't you try living, you know, for a week in the woods?
See how you like it.
Well, that's a possibility.
Hey, as a matter of fact, a friend of mine
has a cabin in Northern Maine.
Sammy, he didn't take it around the world, did he?
Why don't you just borrow it for a little while?
See how you like it, huh?
Well, it's a tempting thought.
- What do you think, Lilith? - Well, it's possible.
We could put our careers on hold just for now
and take a few days off next week to become one with nature.
By George, we'll do it. Next week, it's into the woods.
- Great. - Thank you, Sam.
Oh, gee. if I run, I can make my 3:00.
But, dear, you just cancelled your paranoia workshop.
Oh, right.
Well, I'll deny it and tell them it's part
of a government conspiracy. They'll eat that up.
It's perfect.
Not quite. What's this abomination?
There. Now we can live like our forefathers.
I will go, my love.
And I will go to Innisfree
and a cabin build there, of clay and wattles made.
Frasier, dearest, I feel the coldness.
It's good.
Let's celebrate the coldness.
There. That's done.
Now let's celebrate warmness, and quickly.
Yes. Warmth. I will give my family warmth.
- Where are the matches? - I thought you brought them.
Are you telling me you didn't bring any matches?
No, I'm telling you you didn't bring any matches.
Well, not to worry. Even better.
Right. We'll do as our forebears did.
Yes. I'll go slit open a moose,
and we can climb in and bunk there for the night.
It's pioneer humor.
Well, our forebears laughed.
Oh. Here's just the thing.
Frasier, what are you doing?
Well, I'm striking two stones together to get a spark.
Ah. Then be ready to jump back lest a flame singe your eyebrows.
Lilith, please. I've never done this before,
and I could use some support.
Well, if you don't know what you're doing,
why did you drag me up here in the dead of winter?
Because that's when you just happened to get pregnant.
No, I think that's when you just happened to knock me up.
No, I think that's when you just happened
to forget to take your pill.
I sense civilization creeping in.
My wild asparagus, forgive me.
No. It's I who should apologize.
We don't need a fire.
We have our body heat to keep us warm.
No, no, my wife and child need a fire,
and I'm going to build it for them if it takes all day.
And we'll stand right by you while you do it.
Say, Lilith, you know,
it might help me to get a rhythm going
if you would sing one of those simple work songs
that our forefathers so beloved.
I don't know any work songs.
Well, sing whatever you do know.
- I only know one song. - Well, sing that, then.
My funny valentine
Sweet comic valentine
You make me smile with my heart
Hey, everybody!
Hey! Woody, man, how was your vacation?
I never had so much fun in my whole life.
Oh, I knew you'd love Italy if you'd just give it a chance.
Oh, well, I never actually made it to Italy.
What?
Yeah. I fell asleep and missed my flight.
Okay, pay up. Pay up.
So, Woody, where were you all week?
The airport.
It was great. I met people from all over the world.
You spent your entire vacation at the airport?
Oh, yeah. I mean, at first I felt terrible
about missing my flight,
but then I started talking to this really nice guy,
and it turned out he's from India.
Can you imagine that?
I'm from Indiana, and he's from India?
We laughed about that for hours.
At least, I think that's what he was laughing at.
Well, I'm glad you had a good time, Woody.
I didn't expect you back today.
I thought you needed rest, so I didn't schedule you until tomorrow.
Great. I'm outta here.
Where are you going?
I hear great things about the bus depot.
Stay, little valentine
Stay
Each day is...
Shut up!
Oh, no. Oh, God. My finger's gonna turn black now,
and the nail's gonna fall off.
No one said life in the wilderness would be easy.
- Here. Let me try. - No. No, Lilith.
I must get back up on that horse.
A spark!
Lilith, did you see that? I made a spark.
I knew you could do it.
This is the most glorious moment in my life.
I've never felt so proud and triumphant.
No prouder than I, my Prometheus.
Lilith, with these two rocks, I can accomplish anything.
- I've never felt closer to you. - Nor I, you.
Of course, we haven't actually achieved fire yet.
Ah. Good point.
Say, you know what? Grab some more of that paper,
and we'll wad it up and use it to catch it on the spark.
Thank you, dear.
- Oh, a Boston paper. - Is it?
The restaurant review section.
Restaurants.
Of course, they're raving about La Porta's.
$200 for a dinner. How decadent.
No doubt about it, our society is in decay.
Can you believe we actually frequented that place?
- Perfumed and pompous. - Living off the labor of others.
Eating the flesh of animals we didn't even kill.
It was good, though.
The tarragon glaze was impeccable.
The crème brûlée was a poem.
Of course, quality isn't the point.
No. It's a moral issue.
And if it's food you want, why, I'll cook you a hearty American meal...
Lentils and okra over our open fire.
My mouth is watering already.
Lilith, I'm thinking something.
And I think you're thinking it, too.
But neither of us wants to admit that we're thinking it
for fear that the other one isn't thinking it.
So I think it's very important
that we both say what we're thinking simultaneously
if indeed we are thinking the same thing,
and I think we are. So, are you ready?
I want to go home.
Say, if we drive 70 all the way,
do you think we can make it to La Porta's for the 10:00 seating?
- No, I don't think so. - Then we'll charter a plane.
That's the beauty of civilization. You can buy anything.