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Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
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00:00:06,423 --> 00:00:07,424
Refill, Mr. P.?
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Yeah.
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Ooh! Knuckle cracking.
I hate that sound.
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You'll hurt your fingers.
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Woodrow, knuckle cracking
is relatively harmless.
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Actually, when you
crack your knuckles,
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what you're doing is really
breaking the sound barrier.
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What you hear
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is actually a tiny,
finger-sized sonic boom.
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Well, Cliff, you're partly right.
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Right? Which part?
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The phenomenon of knuckle cracking
is relatively harmless,
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but, in fact, the sound you're hearing
is not a cracking at all,
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but rather a popping
of tiny gas bubbles
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imploding in the synovial fluid
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of the metacarpal
phalangeal joint.
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Makes sense.
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Yeah, but,
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knuckle cracking doesn't make
a popping sound.
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A popping sound
is more like this.
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Oh, I could never do that.
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You know what else
I could never do?
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I could never whistle
with my fingers.
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Carla can do that great.
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Hey, Carla, show Woody
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how you whistle
with two fingers.
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Sure. First, you have to
crack your knuckles.
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Ooh! Synovial fluid imploding!
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I hate that sound.
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You'll hurt your metacarpal
phalangeal joints.
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Carla, can you help me
with this zipper, please?
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Sure, boss.
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You know, when you first
walked in in this dress,
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you were, like, the closest thing
to Cher I've ever seen.
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Really?
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Yeah. You looked
just like Sonny Bono.
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Carla, I don't have time
to trade insults with you.
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Oh, that's okay.
you can still keep mine.
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There you go.
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Now, be careful
when you unzip.
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I think I snagged
about a dozen little back hairs.
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Thank you, Carla.
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Big date, Rebecca, huh?
Who's the lucky fellow?
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Somebody I met at a party.
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A rich doctor. Cardiologist.
Leader in his field.
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You guys couldn't
wipe his nose.
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That shoots my plans
for the evening.
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Where's he taking you?
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Only the society event
of this season.
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Celebrating the anniversary
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of the launching of Old Ironsides.
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Can you get
Raymond Burr's autograph?
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Woody, this is Old Ironsides,
the ship...
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The USS Constitution?
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I know. I was reading
about it in the paper.
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Raymond Burr is gonna be there.
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Oh, God,
I'm going to be late.
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Have him make it out
to Woody
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and make sure he signs it
Perry Mason, Ironsides,
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and that guy
who cut up his wife in Rear Window.
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Can you help me
with these, please?
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- Nice earrings.
- Thank you.
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No, I meant Carla's.
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They look like
real little bananas,
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although yours
are actually pretty nice, too.
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- Thank you.
- Are they real?
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Yes, they're genuine diamonds.
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No. I mean,
are they real little bananas?
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Evening, folks.
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Thank you, Woody.
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Yeah. Carla just taught me that.
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You were right, Carla.
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All I needed was
a little more slobber on my fingers.
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Sammy, you're all decked out, huh?
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Yeah. My date is going to pick me up
in a couple minutes.
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We're going to go over
to that shindig they're throwing
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at the USS Constitution.
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Sam, how'd you wrangle a ticket
to that seagoing soiree?
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You know...
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The event is going
to be televised.
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So they want to fill
the audience
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with a lot of big local celebrities.
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00:03:53,775 --> 00:03:55,152
Ah, one of them has to go
to the bathroom,
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00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:56,486
you rush down
and fill in the seat?
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Yeah.
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00:04:01,992 --> 00:04:04,828
You know, I happen to be going
to that exact same event.
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00:04:04,995 --> 00:04:06,955
Perhaps when I get up
to go to the powder room,
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00:04:07,122 --> 00:04:08,457
you can grab my seat.
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00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:11,293
Heck, turn around.
I'll do it right now.
91
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:14,004
Come on, Rebecca, fess up.
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00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:15,630
We know you're just a seat filler.
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00:04:15,797 --> 00:04:17,215
I am not!
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00:04:17,382 --> 00:04:19,634
I told you I was going
with a cardiologist.
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A very good-looking
cardiologist.
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00:04:22,137 --> 00:04:23,346
As good-looking
as Sammy here?
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00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,639
Please. He's better looking.
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00:04:24,806 --> 00:04:25,724
Oh, yeah?
99
00:04:25,891 --> 00:04:27,309
Well, my date is so good-looking
100
00:04:27,476 --> 00:04:29,186
that when the two of us
walk down the street,
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00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:30,896
people actually look at her.
102
00:04:34,024 --> 00:04:35,233
Oh, yeah?
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00:04:35,400 --> 00:04:38,111
Well, my date has saved
many, many lives
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and has two homes.
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Yeah? Well, my date
is a high fashion model,
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and she's known on two continents.
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Yeah? Which two, Sam?
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00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,497
America and Brazil.
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00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:53,710
Hello, Cheers.
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Oh, hi, Jeff.
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Oh, gee, that's disappointing.
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No, it's no bother.
I don't mind.
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Okay, bye.
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Oh, dear.
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Sounds like some
heart specialist
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decided to stay home
and wash his hair tonight.
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He did not.
He has an emergency bypass.
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Yeah. He had to bypass you.
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I'm telling you the truth.
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Boy, it's so pathetic
when you're all dolled up
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and no place to go, isn't it?
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Oh, Sam, that reminds me.
Jacqueline called.
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She can't make it tonight.
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You're right, Sam.
That is pathetic,
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but I'm sure your date
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didn't have any lousy excuse
like heart surgery.
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As a matter of fact,
she's very sick.
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Sick of you.
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Well, you have a good time tonight,
Sam.
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00:05:51,226 --> 00:05:52,602
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Listen.
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Here we are, both dolled up,
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looking like a million bucks.
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What do you say
the two of us
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00:05:57,732 --> 00:06:00,151
storm the old USS Constitution
together, huh?
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I don't think so.
136
00:06:01,903 --> 00:06:05,574
Why, you still depressed
about being stood up?
137
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:08,076
No. I just don't want
to go with you.
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Wait a minute.
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You spent all day
getting dressed up,
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and you're trying
to tell me
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00:06:13,123 --> 00:06:14,624
that you'd rather stay
in this bar
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than go out with me?
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00:06:16,418 --> 00:06:17,627
No, Sam.
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00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:19,087
I'm trying to tell you
that I would rather
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00:06:19,254 --> 00:06:21,089
remove my own gallbladder
with an oyster fork
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than go out with you.
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Why do you say
these things to me?
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I mean, how come
I turn you off so much?
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00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:32,684
I don't know.
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00:06:32,851 --> 00:06:34,561
It's just one of those things
you have to take on faith.
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00:06:34,728 --> 00:06:36,980
It's kind of like I don't know
that the refrigerator light
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00:06:37,147 --> 00:06:39,065
goes off for sure
when I close the door.
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Obviously, you've never tried
closing it from the inside.
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Hey, everybody.
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Guess who I brought
back with me.
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00:06:52,829 --> 00:06:53,997
Sam, how'd you do it?
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00:06:54,164 --> 00:06:57,125
The doorman at the Ritz-Carlton.
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Good Lord.
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00:06:58,793 --> 00:07:00,420
That's Admiral William J. Crowe, Jr.
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00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:02,047
Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff himself.
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00:07:02,213 --> 00:07:03,298
Now wait a minute.
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The Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff
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00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:07,135
is a doorman at the Ritz-Carlton?
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No wonder they charge you
so much over there.
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00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:15,226
Woody, this really is the Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
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He was at the same dinner I was.
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The Navy can't afford to pay
the salary of a doorman, Woody.
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You know that.
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Yeah. He recognized me
from my ball-playing days.
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Nobody gives up tearing
home runs like Sam Malone.
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Thanks.
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00:07:29,240 --> 00:07:31,576
I wish our missiles
flew as high and as far.
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00:07:33,119 --> 00:07:35,664
Admiral William J. Crowe, Jr.
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00:07:35,830 --> 00:07:37,248
Promoted to Admiral in 1974,
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00:07:37,415 --> 00:07:39,626
In 1983 commanded
US Pacific Command,
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00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:43,588
1985. Appointed 11th Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,
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Wife, Shirley.
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00:07:45,256 --> 00:07:46,299
I'm impressed,
young man.
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How come you know
so much about me?
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00:07:48,134 --> 00:07:50,804
Simple, sir.
I'm an American.
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00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:55,892
Clifford Clavin,
US Postal Service, sir.
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00:07:56,059 --> 00:07:57,727
Nice to know you,
Mr. Clavin.
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00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,729
Us guys in uniform
got to stick together.
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Yes, sir.
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You ever in the Navy?
186
00:08:02,190 --> 00:08:03,650
No, sir.
187
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:06,319
I wanted to be, but the old asthma
started kicking up.
188
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,781
So I joined the US
Postal Service instead.
189
00:08:09,948 --> 00:08:11,950
I figured if I couldn't serve,
190
00:08:12,117 --> 00:08:15,161
I should at least deliver
the draft notices to those who could.
191
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:19,124
- Admiral? Hi.
- Hi.
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00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:20,667
I'm Rebecca Howe.
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00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:24,754
It is truly an honor
to have you in our bar.
194
00:08:24,921 --> 00:08:26,756
It's an honor for me, as well.
195
00:08:26,923 --> 00:08:28,967
Is there anything I can do
for you, anything at all?
196
00:08:29,134 --> 00:08:31,553
Well, for starters, you might go out
with Sam Malone.
197
00:08:31,720 --> 00:08:33,638
I hate to see a man
in constant pain.
198
00:08:36,599 --> 00:08:38,977
Maybe you could ask me
to do something more enjoyable,
199
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:41,771
like, say, a commando mission
in Libya.
200
00:08:42,981 --> 00:08:45,567
I tried, Sam.
201
00:08:45,734 --> 00:08:47,861
Hey, Ad. Park it.
202
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,821
Oh, hey...
203
00:08:49,988 --> 00:08:52,157
I'm Carla Tortelli LeBec.
204
00:08:52,323 --> 00:08:53,658
Hello, Carla.
205
00:08:53,825 --> 00:08:55,243
I was wondering
if I could ask you a favor.
206
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:56,327
Sure.
207
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:58,830
If you're ever on the USS Lexington,
208
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:01,499
could you find out why
nobody has ever called,
209
00:09:01,666 --> 00:09:04,294
or dropped a note
or sent a card?
210
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:06,379
That must be
a hell of a ship.
211
00:09:06,588 --> 00:09:08,298
I've had better.
212
00:09:13,261 --> 00:09:16,139
Ah, well, well, well,
what do we have here?
213
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,683
The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff.
214
00:09:22,854 --> 00:09:24,939
Hello there, sir.
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
215
00:09:25,106 --> 00:09:26,066
Hello, Doctor.
216
00:09:26,232 --> 00:09:27,650
This is my number.
217
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:30,820
I have treated Napoleon,
Teddy Roosevelt,
218
00:09:30,987 --> 00:09:33,156
and I know I could help you.
219
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,952
Doctor, I really am the Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
220
00:09:38,119 --> 00:09:39,496
Aye, aye, Admiral.
221
00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,247
But I'll keep your card.
222
00:09:41,414 --> 00:09:42,499
I know a lot of people
at the Pentagon
223
00:09:42,665 --> 00:09:43,958
that could use your services.
224
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:53,968
Hey, Admiral, thanks.
These are great hats.
225
00:09:54,135 --> 00:09:56,137
Hats don't win wars.
ideas do.
226
00:09:56,304 --> 00:09:59,432
Now, sir, here's what separates
my submarine concept
227
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,643
from everybody else's.
228
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:05,230
You see, mine has got wheels.
229
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:12,237
I understand, Cliff.
230
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:13,613
It's getting late.
231
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,198
Sam, thanks for the autographed
baseball.
232
00:10:15,365 --> 00:10:16,366
Oh, yeah. Listen.
233
00:10:16,533 --> 00:10:17,367
If the President
wants one of those,
234
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:18,868
he knows
where to get me.
235
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,496
I'm sure you'll be hearing from him.
Norm.
236
00:10:21,663 --> 00:10:23,623
Later.
237
00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,792
Sir, these plans I've drawn up
238
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,418
for the new assault vehicle,
239
00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:28,962
where should I send them?
240
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:31,339
Just send them
to the Pentagon, Cliff.
241
00:10:31,548 --> 00:10:33,800
Yes, sir, but, sir,
242
00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:35,468
I'm a little bit worried about that,
though.
243
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,929
If I send them to the Pentagon,
they might get lost.
244
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,975
Very definitely send them
to the Pentagon.
245
00:10:42,142 --> 00:10:43,935
Yes, sir.
246
00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:45,979
Am I lucky, or what?
247
00:10:46,146 --> 00:10:47,689
One of the most
famous people
248
00:10:47,856 --> 00:10:49,566
in the country
comes into my bar,
249
00:10:49,732 --> 00:10:51,985
and I am dressed for it.
250
00:10:52,152 --> 00:10:54,946
By the way, Rebecca, when
are you going to take that thing off?
251
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:56,948
I might just dress
this way all the time.
252
00:10:57,115 --> 00:11:00,201
It makes me feel all at once
desirable and businesslike.
253
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:01,661
You got a point.
254
00:11:01,828 --> 00:11:05,206
About half a dozen guys
asked me how much you charge.
255
00:11:05,373 --> 00:11:07,709
By the way, if anyone
says, "Carla sent me,"
256
00:11:07,917 --> 00:11:09,002
You owe me five bucks.
257
00:11:10,753 --> 00:11:12,255
Carla, I'm just about
to have a break.
258
00:11:12,422 --> 00:11:13,715
You think you can teach me
259
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:16,384
to make raspberry sounds
with my armpit?
260
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:20,013
No, no. I got to be wearing
a tank top to get the full effect.
261
00:11:22,724 --> 00:11:24,225
But, you know, I can teach you
262
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,227
how to make blue sparks
in your mouth
263
00:11:26,394 --> 00:11:27,937
with a Lifesaver candy.
264
00:11:29,606 --> 00:11:31,649
- They're gone.
- Who's gone?
265
00:11:31,816 --> 00:11:34,068
My diamond earrings
are gone.
266
00:11:34,235 --> 00:11:35,486
Calm down.
Where'd you put them?
267
00:11:35,653 --> 00:11:37,947
I had them in a tumbler,
and I put it on my desk,
268
00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:40,325
and nobody was in there but me,
and my door was locked the whole time,
269
00:11:40,491 --> 00:11:42,410
and I was the only one
that was in there.
270
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:45,246
No, no, no. The Admiral
went in there to use the phone.
271
00:11:45,413 --> 00:11:47,707
You're right.
272
00:11:47,874 --> 00:11:50,210
He was in there alone.
273
00:11:50,376 --> 00:11:52,837
Oh, Lord.
274
00:11:53,004 --> 00:11:54,797
The Chairman of the
Joint Chiefs of Staff
275
00:11:54,964 --> 00:11:56,716
of the United States of America
276
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:58,593
stole my earrings.
277
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:13,107
Oh, I just don't
believe this.
278
00:12:13,274 --> 00:12:16,611
And he seemed like such a nice
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
279
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:19,280
Rebecca Howe,
this smacks of treason.
280
00:12:19,447 --> 00:12:21,658
I've got a good mind
to place you under arrest.
281
00:12:21,824 --> 00:12:25,703
Cliff, if you had a good mind,
you would still be stupid.
282
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:29,082
Hey, come on. Why would anyone
who has a super job,
283
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:32,627
makes a great living,
can shop in any PX in the world
284
00:12:32,794 --> 00:12:34,003
want to steal your earrings?
285
00:12:34,170 --> 00:12:35,880
You saw them.
They were gorgeous.
286
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,007
All right. That's it.
287
00:12:38,174 --> 00:12:39,884
Rebecca Howe,
288
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:41,678
I would like your
social security number.
289
00:12:41,844 --> 00:12:43,846
Oh, Cliff, shut up.
290
00:12:44,013 --> 00:12:44,973
Maybe he did take them.
291
00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,016
Oh, great.
Sedition is everywhere.
292
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,769
No, no. Maybe the guy had
an anniversary coming up,
293
00:12:49,936 --> 00:12:51,396
and he didn't
have time to shop
294
00:12:51,562 --> 00:12:52,981
because he's too damn busy
running the military.
295
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:54,524
No. That doesn't wash, Norm.
296
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,901
His anniversary was February 14th.
297
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:59,362
All right, Cliff. All right.
Maybe this, okay?
298
00:12:59,529 --> 00:13:01,698
Maybe he wears them himself.
299
00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:03,533
Yeah, right.
He wears earrings,
300
00:13:03,700 --> 00:13:05,743
and I wear women's lingerie.
301
00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:08,037
Carla, you were right.
302
00:13:11,082 --> 00:13:13,876
I don't care why he did it.
303
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,004
The fact is that
my earrings are gone,
304
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,547
and the admiral took them.
305
00:13:17,714 --> 00:13:19,132
Oh, come on.
This is silly.
306
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:21,926
Let's just go in your office
here and look for them.
307
00:13:22,093 --> 00:13:24,137
I have looked for them.
I told you, they're not in there.
308
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:26,222
- I'm calling the police.
- Oh, don't--
309
00:13:26,389 --> 00:13:28,016
Now that we're through
being interrupted,
310
00:13:28,182 --> 00:13:29,934
let's get down to real
serious matters.
311
00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:32,186
Carla, you can't make
blue sparks
312
00:13:32,353 --> 00:13:34,856
come out of your mouth
with a Lifesaver.
313
00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:37,650
Well, not just any Lifesaver.
314
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:40,778
A magic Wint-o-green
Lifesaver.
315
00:13:40,945 --> 00:13:42,363
Oh, now, Carla, don't prey
on their gullibility.
316
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:44,032
There's nothing
magical about it.
317
00:13:44,198 --> 00:13:46,075
It's just a simple
chemical reaction.
318
00:13:46,284 --> 00:13:47,660
When you crunch down
on the Lifesaver,
319
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,246
electrons strike
nitrogen molecules,
320
00:13:50,413 --> 00:13:51,497
which causes the latter
321
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:54,000
to emit invisible
ultraviolet radiation
322
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,752
which, when absorbed
by the metal salicylate
323
00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,545
in the Wint-o-green
flavoring,
324
00:13:57,712 --> 00:13:59,756
produces a flash
of blue light.
325
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:01,799
Makes sense.
326
00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:06,721
I find that when you say that
to Dr. Crane, he stops talking.
327
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:12,268
See? They're not here.
328
00:14:12,435 --> 00:14:14,145
I told you,
they are not here.
329
00:14:14,312 --> 00:14:16,356
Calm down.
Will you calm down, please?
330
00:14:16,522 --> 00:14:18,191
I'm calm. I'm calm.
I'm calm.
331
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:19,609
What's the number
for 911?
332
00:14:19,776 --> 00:14:21,569
You are not going to
call the police.
333
00:14:21,736 --> 00:14:23,196
Sam, I have told you
to remove your hand
334
00:14:23,363 --> 00:14:25,156
from many a location,
but I have never been
335
00:14:25,323 --> 00:14:26,783
more serious than now.
336
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,451
Come on. Back off here.
337
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,536
They're earrings.
You'll buy another pair.
338
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:32,205
Oh, yeah, right.
339
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:35,166
What are you going to do,
spot me $32,000?
340
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:37,960
American money?
341
00:14:38,127 --> 00:14:41,964
I didn't exactly
buy those earrings.
342
00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:44,926
I told the man at
Shreve, Crump & Lowe
343
00:14:45,093 --> 00:14:46,969
that I just wanted to
take them out for the evening
344
00:14:47,136 --> 00:14:50,056
to make sure that I
really, really wanted them...
345
00:14:50,223 --> 00:14:54,435
I don't think that dress
is meant to do that.
346
00:14:54,602 --> 00:14:56,979
And then I was going
to just wear them tonight
347
00:14:57,146 --> 00:14:58,481
And look really
beautiful, you know?
348
00:14:58,648 --> 00:15:01,275
Then I was going to take
them back in the morning,
349
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,778
but, God, Shreve is holding
all my credit cards,
350
00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:05,446
the pink slip to my Mercedes,
351
00:15:05,613 --> 00:15:07,115
and my mom and dad's
phone number.
352
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:11,994
Good chance you could be
sent to your room for five to 15 years.
353
00:15:12,203 --> 00:15:14,205
You know, you're really not helping.
354
00:15:14,372 --> 00:15:15,581
Just get out of here.
355
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,750
God, I would do anything
356
00:15:17,917 --> 00:15:20,294
to get those earrings back.
357
00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:27,009
Oh...
358
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:31,013
Yes, Sam.
359
00:15:31,180 --> 00:15:33,766
I am exactly that desperate.
360
00:15:35,184 --> 00:15:36,727
I don't care what it takes.
361
00:15:36,894 --> 00:15:38,771
Go to the admiral's
hotel room,
362
00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:40,648
sneak in there,
and steal those earrings.
363
00:15:40,815 --> 00:15:42,191
Just get them back
for me,
364
00:15:42,358 --> 00:15:44,527
and, yes--
Lord help me--
365
00:15:44,694 --> 00:15:47,655
I will go to bed
with you.
366
00:15:47,822 --> 00:15:51,701
I'm going to turn this joint
upside-down...
367
00:15:51,909 --> 00:15:53,369
- Starting with you.
- Sam...
368
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:55,872
All right. All right.
Ending with you.
369
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,336
I saw it!
Blue sparks in Carla's mouth!
370
00:16:03,421 --> 00:16:05,173
Hey, guys, listen, fellas...
371
00:16:05,339 --> 00:16:06,757
Am I interrupting
anything?
372
00:16:06,924 --> 00:16:09,385
Just science making
another leap forward.
373
00:16:09,552 --> 00:16:11,179
Fellas, listen.
All right. Come here.
374
00:16:11,345 --> 00:16:13,681
Listen. Come here. Listen.
I need your help here now.
375
00:16:13,848 --> 00:16:15,725
I want to get my hands
on Rebecca's jewels,
376
00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,977
but first I got to
find her earrings.
377
00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:21,230
All right, Sammy.
We're here for you.
378
00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:22,732
All right. Now...
379
00:16:22,899 --> 00:16:25,026
I guess we could
buy her another pair,
380
00:16:25,193 --> 00:16:27,361
but that'd set us back
about 32 grand.
381
00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:30,072
Not here for you, Sam.
Left an hour ago.
382
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:31,949
All right. All right.
No. There's got to be--
383
00:16:32,116 --> 00:16:33,409
See, I figure that she probably
384
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:35,620
just put them down someplace
for safe keeping,
385
00:16:35,786 --> 00:16:37,538
then forgot where she put them.
386
00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:40,875
Got to just find a way
to jog her memory.
387
00:16:41,042 --> 00:16:42,210
- I know what we should do.
- What?
388
00:16:42,376 --> 00:16:43,753
I saw this
in a movie once.
389
00:16:43,920 --> 00:16:46,839
We gather the suspects
all together in one room.
390
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,799
Ooh, right,
and then you recreate the crime
391
00:16:48,966 --> 00:16:51,219
so that you can work backwards,
and find out what happened.
392
00:16:51,385 --> 00:16:52,678
Let's go.
393
00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:55,348
Sammy, since I'm the only one here
in uniform,
394
00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,350
I suggest I play Admiral Crowe.
395
00:16:57,517 --> 00:16:59,894
If you're Admiral Crowe,
who's gonna be Mr. Clavin?
396
00:17:00,061 --> 00:17:02,021
Any of yutzes
can handle that.
397
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:14,367
What are you all doing in here?
398
00:17:14,575 --> 00:17:17,662
Well, Cliff here has agreed
to portray Admiral Crowe
399
00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:20,331
so we can recreate
the alleged crime
400
00:17:20,498 --> 00:17:22,833
so we can figure out
what happened.
401
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:24,335
And what about
you two guys?
402
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:26,254
We're witnesses.
403
00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,381
Yeah. We're pretty much
404
00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:30,383
just going to hang around
and watch.
405
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:32,718
That's a stretch.
406
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:35,388
Okay.
407
00:17:35,596 --> 00:17:38,599
Admiral Crowe came in
and asked to use the phone.
408
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:40,268
What did he say?
409
00:17:40,434 --> 00:17:42,687
"May I use the phone?"
410
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:44,981
Excuse me, Rebecca.
That's my line.
411
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,444
Then what?
412
00:17:50,611 --> 00:17:53,197
And I said, "sure,"
and he said, "thank you."
413
00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:56,492
Well, look who thinks
she's Admiral Crowe.
414
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:01,581
All right.
415
00:18:01,747 --> 00:18:03,916
Now, he came in here.
He was alone.
416
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:05,835
Was he carrying anything?
417
00:18:06,002 --> 00:18:08,462
I think he was carrying
a glass of water.
418
00:18:08,629 --> 00:18:12,383
I see. And did he put
this glass of water down?
419
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:13,551
I think so.
420
00:18:13,718 --> 00:18:16,178
Next to, perhaps...
421
00:18:16,345 --> 00:18:17,972
This glass?
422
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,768
I see what you're getting at, Sam.
423
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,895
You think that he picked up
the other glass
424
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:27,023
with the earrings in it
and took it out.
425
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:29,942
Yeah. Right! Absolutely!
426
00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:31,652
Guys, we're out of here.
427
00:18:33,404 --> 00:18:36,699
Hey, I didn't get to portray
Admiral Crowe.
428
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:37,908
Oh. All right.
429
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:39,410
Rebecca, as a favor
for Cliff,
430
00:18:39,577 --> 00:18:41,787
what was the last words
the admiral said? Anything?
431
00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,165
Yes. Before he left, he said,
432
00:18:44,332 --> 00:18:45,666
"I want to get out of this bar
433
00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:47,335
as fast as I can before I run into
434
00:18:47,501 --> 00:18:49,128
that stupid mailman."
435
00:18:49,295 --> 00:18:52,131
He stole them, all right.
436
00:18:52,298 --> 00:18:55,301
Wait! You were supposed to help me
find my earrings.
437
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:56,636
- Come on.
- Yeah.
438
00:18:56,802 --> 00:18:58,346
Look what I found
in this dirty, old glass.
439
00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:00,931
Oh! Oh!
440
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:04,143
Oh, you are such an angel!
441
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:06,520
Oh, how can I ever thank you?
442
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,025
I think the "how" has
already been established.
443
00:19:14,111 --> 00:19:17,073
We're up to 'where"
and "how often."
444
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,538
Well...
445
00:19:24,705 --> 00:19:26,749
A promise is a promise.
446
00:19:26,916 --> 00:19:29,001
Come on. Don't--
I hate that.
447
00:19:29,168 --> 00:19:31,420
I hate it when you do that.
448
00:19:31,587 --> 00:19:33,381
Come on.
What's wrong with you?
449
00:19:33,547 --> 00:19:36,300
Why don't you want me?
What's the problem?
450
00:19:36,467 --> 00:19:39,261
You know, Sam, I just don't know
why I don't want you.
451
00:19:39,428 --> 00:19:41,722
Well, think, damn it!
452
00:19:44,725 --> 00:19:46,268
I think it's just one of those things
453
00:19:46,435 --> 00:19:47,770
that when you first meet a guy,
454
00:19:47,937 --> 00:19:49,563
you put him in one of three categories--
455
00:19:49,730 --> 00:19:51,107
Yes, no, or maybe--
456
00:19:51,273 --> 00:19:52,525
And the second I saw you,
457
00:19:52,733 --> 00:19:54,902
I threw you right
in the "no" category,
458
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:56,862
and that's where you've
stayed ever since.
459
00:19:57,029 --> 00:19:59,073
I mean, when Sam Malone
walks into a room,
460
00:19:59,240 --> 00:20:01,951
I say, "no,"
and go on with my life.
461
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:06,330
- Every single time?
- No.
462
00:20:06,497 --> 00:20:07,748
There was this one time
463
00:20:07,915 --> 00:20:09,709
when you were way down
at the end of the hall,
464
00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:12,420
and I could just see
this tiny piece of your elbow,
465
00:20:12,586 --> 00:20:14,672
and I didn't know
for sure if it was you,
466
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,883
and I thought to myself, "hmm..."
467
00:20:18,050 --> 00:20:23,347
And then you came around the corner,
and I thought, "God, no."
468
00:20:23,514 --> 00:20:28,227
"God, no" is a lot worse
than just "no," isn't it?
469
00:20:28,394 --> 00:20:29,270
Sam, wait.
470
00:20:29,437 --> 00:20:30,730
I want to ask
you something,
471
00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:33,315
and I want an answer to this.
472
00:20:33,482 --> 00:20:37,445
Why do you care?
Why do you want me?
473
00:20:37,611 --> 00:20:39,280
I have never given
you any reason.
474
00:20:39,447 --> 00:20:41,907
I've never come on to you.
Why do you keep hitting on me?
475
00:20:45,453 --> 00:20:47,413
Boy, I don't know.
476
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:50,166
I guess that
when I meet women,
477
00:20:50,332 --> 00:20:54,295
I put them into
one of three categories.
478
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,797
Oh, who am I kidding?
479
00:20:56,964 --> 00:20:58,758
I put them
into one category.
480
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:03,012
Boy, I guess I shouldn't do that.
481
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:05,723
I mean, that's not
really fair to you.
482
00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,141
I'm sorry.
483
00:21:07,308 --> 00:21:10,144
Thank you, Sam.
484
00:21:10,352 --> 00:21:12,730
I know that wasn't
easy for you to say.
485
00:21:13,481 --> 00:21:16,108
I haven't been real fair myself.
486
00:21:16,275 --> 00:21:18,819
I haven't really
given you a chance.
487
00:21:18,986 --> 00:21:22,072
Oh, don't worry about it. I mean--
488
00:21:22,239 --> 00:21:25,618
Gee, I wish we could just
start all over again,
489
00:21:25,785 --> 00:21:28,329
just wipe all this junk
out of the way.
490
00:21:28,496 --> 00:21:31,457
- I like that idea.
- Yeah.
491
00:21:31,624 --> 00:21:34,502
I mean, it's like, if I could
see you for the first time,
492
00:21:34,668 --> 00:21:39,298
I'd look over there,
and I'd see a beautiful woman.
493
00:21:39,465 --> 00:21:41,425
Thank you.
494
00:21:41,592 --> 00:21:43,010
And I'd see you,
495
00:21:43,177 --> 00:21:45,429
and I'd see a real
good-looking guy.
496
00:21:45,596 --> 00:21:48,474
With nice hair.
497
00:21:50,142 --> 00:21:51,644
Right.
498
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,354
Say it.
499
00:21:56,148 --> 00:21:57,691
With nice hair.
500
00:21:57,858 --> 00:21:58,776
Thank you.
501
00:21:58,943 --> 00:22:00,027
And broad shoulders...
502
00:22:00,194 --> 00:22:02,530
...and pleasant smile...
503
00:22:04,365 --> 00:22:06,116
Nice hair again.
504
00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:07,910
Oh, see...
505
00:22:08,077 --> 00:22:09,495
You're patronizing me.
506
00:22:09,662 --> 00:22:10,830
- No, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
507
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:11,997
I am not patronizing you.
508
00:22:12,164 --> 00:22:13,499
We said we were
going to be honest.
509
00:22:13,666 --> 00:22:15,334
I think you're an attractive guy.
510
00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:17,711
I think you're cute
enough to kiss...
511
00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:20,464
I mean, if I didn't know you.
512
00:22:20,631 --> 00:22:22,716
- Yeah, if you didn't know me.
- All right. What?
513
00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:25,094
Do you want me to prove it to you
that I think you're cute?
514
00:22:25,261 --> 00:22:27,388
All right. Fine.
I will prove it to you.
515
00:22:27,555 --> 00:22:30,850
I will dispel the myth
that you turn my stomach.
516
00:22:31,016 --> 00:22:33,477
I'll give you a little kiss.
517
00:22:34,270 --> 00:22:35,271
Here.
518
00:22:36,230 --> 00:22:37,231
There.
519
00:22:46,740 --> 00:22:50,494
Now, what category am I in?
520
00:22:50,661 --> 00:22:52,705
Yes?
521
00:22:52,872 --> 00:22:54,498
No?
522
00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:56,584
Oh, jeez!
523
00:22:56,750 --> 00:23:00,129
Boy, why do I even
bother with you?
524
00:23:02,464 --> 00:23:04,466
Definite maybe.
525
00:23:04,633 --> 00:23:06,552
I heard that.
526
00:23:07,887 --> 00:23:09,346
You said, "maybe."
527
00:23:09,513 --> 00:23:10,681
You said, "maybe!"
528
00:23:10,848 --> 00:23:12,766
Rebecca thinks I'm a "maybe!"
529
00:23:12,933 --> 00:23:14,018
I did not say that.
530
00:23:14,184 --> 00:23:15,644
I said that you kiss
like my Uncle Abie!
531
00:23:15,853 --> 00:23:17,438
- No, no, no.
- No.
532
00:23:17,605 --> 00:23:20,399
I said that I think
you gave me rabies!