Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Refill, Mr. P.?
Yeah.
Ooh! Knuckle cracking. I hate that sound.
You'll hurt your fingers.
Woodrow, knuckle cracking is relatively harmless.
Actually, when you crack your knuckles,
what you're doing is really breaking the sound barrier.
What you hear
is actually a tiny, finger-sized sonic boom.
Well, Cliff, you're partly right.
Right? Which part?
The phenomenon of knuckle cracking is relatively harmless,
but, in fact, the sound you're hearing is not a cracking at all,
but rather a popping of tiny gas bubbles
imploding in the synovial fluid
of the metacarpal phalangeal joint.
Makes sense.
Yeah, but,
knuckle cracking doesn't make a popping sound.
A popping sound is more like this.
Oh, I could never do that.
You know what else I could never do?
I could never whistle with my fingers.
Carla can do that great.
Hey, Carla, show Woody
how you whistle with two fingers.
Sure. First, you have to crack your knuckles.
Ooh! Synovial fluid imploding!
I hate that sound.
You'll hurt your metacarpal phalangeal joints.
Carla, can you help me with this zipper, please?
Sure, boss.
You know, when you first walked in in this dress,
you were, like, the closest thing to Cher I've ever seen.
Really?
Yeah. You looked just like Sonny Bono.
Carla, I don't have time to trade insults with you.
Oh, that's okay. you can still keep mine.
There you go.
Now, be careful when you unzip.
I think I snagged about a dozen little back hairs.
Thank you, Carla.
Big date, Rebecca, huh? Who's the lucky fellow?
Somebody I met at a party.
A rich doctor. Cardiologist. Leader in his field.
You guys couldn't wipe his nose.
That shoots my plans for the evening.
Where's he taking you?
Only the society event of this season.
Celebrating the anniversary
of the launching of Old Ironsides.
Can you get Raymond Burr's autograph?
Woody, this is Old Ironsides, the ship...
The USS Constitution?
I know. I was reading about it in the paper.
Raymond Burr is gonna be there.
Oh, God, I'm going to be late.
Have him make it out to Woody
and make sure he signs it Perry Mason, Ironsides,
and that guy who cut up his wife in Rear Window.
Can you help me with these, please?
- Nice earrings. - Thank you.
No, I meant Carla's.
They look like real little bananas,
although yours are actually pretty nice, too.
- Thank you. - Are they real?
Yes, they're genuine diamonds.
No. I mean, are they real little bananas?
Evening, folks.
Thank you, Woody.
Yeah. Carla just taught me that.
You were right, Carla.
All I needed was a little more slobber on my fingers.
Sammy, you're all decked out, huh?
Yeah. My date is going to pick me up in a couple minutes.
We're going to go over to that shindig they're throwing
at the USS Constitution.
Sam, how'd you wrangle a ticket to that seagoing soiree?
You know...
The event is going to be televised.
So they want to fill the audience
with a lot of big local celebrities.
Ah, one of them has to go to the bathroom,
you rush down and fill in the seat?
Yeah.
You know, I happen to be going to that exact same event.
Perhaps when I get up to go to the powder room,
you can grab my seat.
Heck, turn around. I'll do it right now.
Come on, Rebecca, fess up.
We know you're just a seat filler.
I am not!
I told you I was going with a cardiologist.
A very good-looking cardiologist.
As good-looking as Sammy here?
Please. He's better looking.
Oh, yeah?
Well, my date is so good-looking
that when the two of us walk down the street,
people actually look at her.
Oh, yeah?
Well, my date has saved many, many lives
and has two homes.
Yeah? Well, my date is a high fashion model,
and she's known on two continents.
Yeah? Which two, Sam?
America and Brazil.
Hello, Cheers.
Oh, hi, Jeff.
Oh, gee, that's disappointing.
No, it's no bother. I don't mind.
Okay, bye.
Oh, dear.
Sounds like some heart specialist
decided to stay home and wash his hair tonight.
He did not. He has an emergency bypass.
Yeah. He had to bypass you.
I'm telling you the truth.
Boy, it's so pathetic when you're all dolled up
and no place to go, isn't it?
Oh, Sam, that reminds me. Jacqueline called.
She can't make it tonight.
You're right, Sam. That is pathetic,
but I'm sure your date
didn't have any lousy excuse like heart surgery.
As a matter of fact, she's very sick.
Sick of you.
Well, you have a good time tonight, Sam.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Listen.
Here we are, both dolled up,
looking like a million bucks.
What do you say the two of us
storm the old USS Constitution together, huh?
I don't think so.
Why, you still depressed about being stood up?
No. I just don't want to go with you.
Wait a minute.
You spent all day getting dressed up,
and you're trying to tell me
that you'd rather stay in this bar
than go out with me?
No, Sam.
I'm trying to tell you that I would rather
remove my own gallbladder with an oyster fork
than go out with you.
Why do you say these things to me?
I mean, how come I turn you off so much?
I don't know.
It's just one of those things you have to take on faith.
It's kind of like I don't know that the refrigerator light
goes off for sure when I close the door.
Obviously, you've never tried closing it from the inside.
Hey, everybody.
Guess who I brought back with me.
Sam, how'd you do it?
The doorman at the Ritz-Carlton.
Good Lord.
That's Admiral William J. Crowe, Jr.
Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff himself.
Now wait a minute.
The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
is a doorman at the Ritz-Carlton?
No wonder they charge you so much over there.
Woody, this really is the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
He was at the same dinner I was.
The Navy can't afford to pay the salary of a doorman, Woody.
You know that.
Yeah. He recognized me from my ball-playing days.
Nobody gives up tearing home runs like Sam Malone.
Thanks.
I wish our missiles flew as high and as far.
Admiral William J. Crowe, Jr.
Promoted to Admiral in 1974,
In 1983 commanded US Pacific Command,
1985. Appointed 11th Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff,
Wife, Shirley.
I'm impressed, young man.
How come you know so much about me?
Simple, sir. I'm an American.
Clifford Clavin, US Postal Service, sir.
Nice to know you, Mr. Clavin.
Us guys in uniform got to stick together.
Yes, sir.
You ever in the Navy?
No, sir.
I wanted to be, but the old asthma started kicking up.
So I joined the US Postal Service instead.
I figured if I couldn't serve,
I should at least deliver the draft notices to those who could.
- Admiral? Hi. - Hi.
I'm Rebecca Howe.
It is truly an honor to have you in our bar.
It's an honor for me, as well.
Is there anything I can do for you, anything at all?
Well, for starters, you might go out with Sam Malone.
I hate to see a man in constant pain.
Maybe you could ask me to do something more enjoyable,
like, say, a commando mission in Libya.
I tried, Sam.
Hey, Ad. Park it.
Oh, hey...
I'm Carla Tortelli LeBec.
Hello, Carla.
I was wondering if I could ask you a favor.
Sure.
If you're ever on the USS Lexington,
could you find out why nobody has ever called,
or dropped a note or sent a card?
That must be a hell of a ship.
I've had better.
Ah, well, well, well, what do we have here?
The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Hello there, sir. I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
Hello, Doctor.
This is my number.
I have treated Napoleon, Teddy Roosevelt,
and I know I could help you.
Doctor, I really am the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Aye, aye, Admiral.
But I'll keep your card.
I know a lot of people at the Pentagon
that could use your services.
Hey, Admiral, thanks. These are great hats.
Hats don't win wars. ideas do.
Now, sir, here's what separates my submarine concept
from everybody else's.
You see, mine has got wheels.
I understand, Cliff.
It's getting late.
Sam, thanks for the autographed baseball.
Oh, yeah. Listen.
If the President wants one of those,
he knows where to get me.
I'm sure you'll be hearing from him. Norm.
Later.
Sir, these plans I've drawn up
for the new assault vehicle,
where should I send them?
Just send them to the Pentagon, Cliff.
Yes, sir, but, sir,
I'm a little bit worried about that, though.
If I send them to the Pentagon, they might get lost.
Very definitely send them to the Pentagon.
Yes, sir.
Am I lucky, or what?
One of the most famous people
in the country comes into my bar,
and I am dressed for it.
By the way, Rebecca, when are you going to take that thing off?
I might just dress this way all the time.
It makes me feel all at once desirable and businesslike.
You got a point.
About half a dozen guys asked me how much you charge.
By the way, if anyone says, "Carla sent me,"
You owe me five bucks.
Carla, I'm just about to have a break.
You think you can teach me
to make raspberry sounds with my armpit?
No, no. I got to be wearing a tank top to get the full effect.
But, you know, I can teach you
how to make blue sparks in your mouth
with a Lifesaver candy.
- They're gone. - Who's gone?
My diamond earrings are gone.
Calm down. Where'd you put them?
I had them in a tumbler, and I put it on my desk,
and nobody was in there but me, and my door was locked the whole time,
and I was the only one that was in there.
No, no, no. The Admiral went in there to use the phone.
You're right.
He was in there alone.
Oh, Lord.
The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
of the United States of America
stole my earrings.
Oh, I just don't believe this.
And he seemed like such a nice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
Rebecca Howe, this smacks of treason.
I've got a good mind to place you under arrest.
Cliff, if you had a good mind, you would still be stupid.
Hey, come on. Why would anyone who has a super job,
makes a great living, can shop in any PX in the world
want to steal your earrings?
You saw them. They were gorgeous.
All right. That's it.
Rebecca Howe,
I would like your social security number.
Oh, Cliff, shut up.
Maybe he did take them.
Oh, great. Sedition is everywhere.
No, no. Maybe the guy had an anniversary coming up,
and he didn't have time to shop
because he's too damn busy running the military.
No. That doesn't wash, Norm.
His anniversary was February 14th.
All right, Cliff. All right. Maybe this, okay?
Maybe he wears them himself.
Yeah, right. He wears earrings,
and I wear women's lingerie.
Carla, you were right.
I don't care why he did it.
The fact is that my earrings are gone,
and the admiral took them.
Oh, come on. This is silly.
Let's just go in your office here and look for them.
I have looked for them. I told you, they're not in there.
- I'm calling the police. - Oh, don't--
Now that we're through being interrupted,
let's get down to real serious matters.
Carla, you can't make blue sparks
come out of your mouth with a Lifesaver.
Well, not just any Lifesaver.
A magic Wint-o-green Lifesaver.
Oh, now, Carla, don't prey on their gullibility.
There's nothing magical about it.
It's just a simple chemical reaction.
When you crunch down on the Lifesaver,
electrons strike nitrogen molecules,
which causes the latter
to emit invisible ultraviolet radiation
which, when absorbed by the metal salicylate
in the Wint-o-green flavoring,
produces a flash of blue light.
Makes sense.
I find that when you say that to Dr. Crane, he stops talking.
See? They're not here.
I told you, they are not here.
Calm down. Will you calm down, please?
I'm calm. I'm calm. I'm calm.
What's the number for 911?
You are not going to call the police.
Sam, I have told you to remove your hand
from many a location, but I have never been
more serious than now.
Come on. Back off here.
They're earrings. You'll buy another pair.
Oh, yeah, right.
What are you going to do, spot me $32,000?
American money?
I didn't exactly buy those earrings.
I told the man at Shreve, Crump & Lowe
that I just wanted to take them out for the evening
to make sure that I really, really wanted them...
I don't think that dress is meant to do that.
And then I was going to just wear them tonight
And look really beautiful, you know?
Then I was going to take them back in the morning,
but, God, Shreve is holding all my credit cards,
the pink slip to my Mercedes,
and my mom and dad's phone number.
Good chance you could be sent to your room for five to 15 years.
You know, you're really not helping.
Just get out of here.
God, I would do anything
to get those earrings back.
Oh...
Yes, Sam.
I am exactly that desperate.
I don't care what it takes.
Go to the admiral's hotel room,
sneak in there, and steal those earrings.
Just get them back for me,
and, yes-- Lord help me--
I will go to bed with you.
I'm going to turn this joint upside-down...
- Starting with you. - Sam...
All right. All right. Ending with you.
I saw it! Blue sparks in Carla's mouth!
Hey, guys, listen, fellas...
Am I interrupting anything?
Just science making another leap forward.
Fellas, listen. All right. Come here.
Listen. Come here. Listen. I need your help here now.
I want to get my hands on Rebecca's jewels,
but first I got to find her earrings.
All right, Sammy. We're here for you.
All right. Now...
I guess we could buy her another pair,
but that'd set us back about 32 grand.
Not here for you, Sam. Left an hour ago.
All right. All right. No. There's got to be--
See, I figure that she probably
just put them down someplace for safe keeping,
then forgot where she put them.
Got to just find a way to jog her memory.
- I know what we should do. - What?
I saw this in a movie once.
We gather the suspects all together in one room.
Ooh, right, and then you recreate the crime
so that you can work backwards, and find out what happened.
Let's go.
Sammy, since I'm the only one here in uniform,
I suggest I play Admiral Crowe.
If you're Admiral Crowe, who's gonna be Mr. Clavin?
Any of yutzes can handle that.
What are you all doing in here?
Well, Cliff here has agreed to portray Admiral Crowe
so we can recreate the alleged crime
so we can figure out what happened.
And what about you two guys?
We're witnesses.
Yeah. We're pretty much
just going to hang around and watch.
That's a stretch.
Okay.
Admiral Crowe came in and asked to use the phone.
What did he say?
"May I use the phone?"
Excuse me, Rebecca. That's my line.
Then what?
And I said, "sure," and he said, "thank you."
Well, look who thinks she's Admiral Crowe.
All right.
Now, he came in here. He was alone.
Was he carrying anything?
I think he was carrying a glass of water.
I see. And did he put this glass of water down?
I think so.
Next to, perhaps...
This glass?
I see what you're getting at, Sam.
You think that he picked up the other glass
with the earrings in it and took it out.
Yeah. Right! Absolutely!
Guys, we're out of here.
Hey, I didn't get to portray Admiral Crowe.
Oh. All right.
Rebecca, as a favor for Cliff,
what was the last words the admiral said? Anything?
Yes. Before he left, he said,
"I want to get out of this bar
as fast as I can before I run into
that stupid mailman."
He stole them, all right.
Wait! You were supposed to help me find my earrings.
- Come on. - Yeah.
Look what I found in this dirty, old glass.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, you are such an angel!
Oh, how can I ever thank you?
I think the "how" has already been established.
We're up to 'where" and "how often."
Well...
A promise is a promise.
Come on. Don't-- I hate that.
I hate it when you do that.
Come on. What's wrong with you?
Why don't you want me? What's the problem?
You know, Sam, I just don't know why I don't want you.
Well, think, damn it!
I think it's just one of those things
that when you first meet a guy,
you put him in one of three categories--
Yes, no, or maybe--
And the second I saw you,
I threw you right in the "no" category,
and that's where you've stayed ever since.
I mean, when Sam Malone walks into a room,
I say, "no," and go on with my life.
- Every single time? - No.
There was this one time
when you were way down at the end of the hall,
and I could just see this tiny piece of your elbow,
and I didn't know for sure if it was you,
and I thought to myself, "hmm..."
And then you came around the corner, and I thought, "God, no."
"God, no" is a lot worse than just "no," isn't it?
Sam, wait.
I want to ask you something,
and I want an answer to this.
Why do you care? Why do you want me?
I have never given you any reason.
I've never come on to you. Why do you keep hitting on me?
Boy, I don't know.
I guess that when I meet women,
I put them into one of three categories.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I put them into one category.
Boy, I guess I shouldn't do that.
I mean, that's not really fair to you.
I'm sorry.
Thank you, Sam.
I know that wasn't easy for you to say.
I haven't been real fair myself.
I haven't really given you a chance.
Oh, don't worry about it. I mean--
Gee, I wish we could just start all over again,
just wipe all this junk out of the way.
- I like that idea. - Yeah.
I mean, it's like, if I could see you for the first time,
I'd look over there, and I'd see a beautiful woman.
Thank you.
And I'd see you,
and I'd see a real good-looking guy.
With nice hair.
Right.
Say it.
With nice hair.
Thank you.
And broad shoulders...
...and pleasant smile...
Nice hair again.
Oh, see...
You're patronizing me.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
I am not patronizing you.
We said we were going to be honest.
I think you're an attractive guy.
I think you're cute enough to kiss...
I mean, if I didn't know you.
- Yeah, if you didn't know me. - All right. What?
Do you want me to prove it to you that I think you're cute?
All right. Fine. I will prove it to you.
I will dispel the myth that you turn my stomach.
I'll give you a little kiss.
Here.
There.
Now, what category am I in?
Yes?
No?
Oh, jeez!
Boy, why do I even bother with you?
Definite maybe.
I heard that.
You said, "maybe."
You said, "maybe!"
Rebecca thinks I'm a "maybe!"
I did not say that.
I said that you kiss like my Uncle Abie!
- No, no, no. - No.
I said that I think you gave me rabies!