Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Woody, have you finished counting?
Sure have, Miss Howe.
Oh, come on, Rebecca.
What? A guess-how-many-beans- in-the-jars bit?
That's corny.
For your information, corny is in.
America wants to return to the innocence
of their teenage years.
Yeah. The '70s were great, weren't they?
Anyway, this contest will run all month
and all of Boston will be playing the game for a fabulous,
all-expense paid trip to where?
Atlantic City!
For just guessing how many jelly beans are in this jar.
Three thousand, five hundred.
Woody, is that the correct number?
Nope. Off by 163.
Woody!
You are not supposed to tell them that.
Now we have to do this all over again.
Do you have any extra jelly beans back there?
Sure, there's a whole bag at the end of the bar.
I hate when the black ones get stuck in your teeth.
Hey, guys, guys. Watch this.
Hi, gorgeous.
You want to go out with me?
I've got a little cold.
Oh. Next week?
- I'm busy. - The week after?
Maybe.
You saw it.
You were there.
Sam Malone just scored a "maybe."
Yow!
Well, well. This calls for a celebration
Waters all around.
Why? What?
Oh, this is truly sad.
A guy who would never settle for less than eight dates a week
is doing backflips over a lousy "maybe."
Hey, come on. That's progress for me and Rebecca.
Face facts, you had it once, but you lost it.
You're nothing but Clavin in a good shirt.
Yeah, I guess we're going to have to go shopping for a new hero.
Oh, guys, guys, I can't believe my ears.
Well, Sam, your ears are the least of your problems.
You think I'm losing it? Do you need proof?
No, no. Not necessary.
No, no, listen, I want to prove to you guys
that I'm still your king.
Everybody, please.
Focus your attention on the door there.
The Amazing Sammy will now make love
to the very next woman who enters his bar.
Be right back!
- Hey. Employees are ineligible. - I quit!
We're closed!
Too late. Too late.
My lovely volunteer.
Sammy, you're amazing.
Now, I want to assure you that we've never met before.
If you watch very closely, you will notice that in no time
does my hand actually leave her body.
You know, she's exactly like a girl I took out last night.
You mean "tore out."
Excuse me. Boy, is it hot in here,
or is it just you?
I'm sorry, did you just say is it hot in here, or is it just me?
Yep. if you like it, there's more where that came from.
Are you for real?
I've been asked that question many times,
and by women a lot more naked than you.
You know,
I've heard about men like you
but I can't actually say I've ever met one.
I'm on a roll here.
My name's Sam Malone.
My name is being withheld for security reasons.
Well, that's very clever.
Maybe too clever. What's it mean?
It means I'd like to order a Manhattan.
I'd like you to put a cherry in it,
and then I'd like you to put a sock in it.
Your drink.
Hey!
Greetings, all!
- Ah, Doctor. - Doctor.
- Doctor.
Woody, may I have a beer, please, and a mineral water
for the little mother?
You know, Lilith and I heard a little joke the other day.
Seems a patient walks into his therapist's office
Suffering from a case of Korsakoff psychosis
brought on by acute alcoholism.
Brain tumor.
Well, darling, it doesn't make any difference.
Yes, it does. Brain tumor is funnier.
You're right.
No wonder I didn't get anywhere.
She's a friend of Lilith and Frasier's.
Just another one of those boring, cold-hearted intellectuals
with legs I could kill for.
Why, Sam? I like your legs.
If you comb your hair a little different
nobody will even notice that ear problem.
And then the therapist said, "No, I said ten cc's,
not Tennessee!"
Or was it Kentucky?
It was Tennessee.
Oh, it's good.
I'll have to remember that one.
Hello, Lilith. Hello, Frasier.
- Hello, Sam. - I'd love to stay and talk,
but I'm under a gag order.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were a friend of the Cranes.
I'm Sheila Rydell.
Oh, how do you do?
Dr. Rydell is a clinical psychiatrist
and also a fellow at the Boston University.
Well, thank God she's a woman here at Cheers.
Doctors, excuse me a moment.
I need to call a patient.
Oh yes, there's a phone right down the hall.
This will probably take a few minutes.
- I'll meet you upstairs shortly. - Fine.
Oh, Doctor. I have a free phone right here.
I'm looking for a little more privacy.
I have a phone in my bedroom.
Thank you. No.
Honey bear, shall we?
- Oh, by the way, Sam. - Yeah.
Re: Dr. Rydell, I must say I concur completely.
You know, most women who go into psychiatry
are real bowsers,
but I wouldn't kick her off the couch
for eating crackers, you know.
Frasier, I can hear you
and so can your unborn child.
Will he be able to escape from this one?
Let's watch.
What I meant to say was please, please, please forgive me,
and do you think we have time to stop by Tiffany's
on the way home?
Good boy.
Boy, okay, I want that woman.
Sam, she's carrying Dr. Crane's baby.
No, not that woman. The woman over by the phone.
Oh, well, who doesn't? Hubba, hubba.
Sam, Mr. Cool,
I hate to burst your bubble again,
but didn't she just shoot you down?
Hey, maybe you should just stay away from brunettes...
- Except me, of course. - Yeah.
No, no. Don't you see here,
the good doctor and I are sparring.
It's sexy. It's fun,
just like one of those old Spencer Tracy, Audrey Hepburn movies.
Sammy, just step into my office, please.
A word in your ear.
You know, if I were you, I'd approach good Dr. Legs there
on a professional level.
I would make an appointment with her and pretend
there was something wrong with me.
Cliff ie...that's a pretty good idea.
Yeah. Who gave it to you?
It's mine. It came right from this brain.
Hey, everybody. Clavin got a new brain.
So what do you think?
What kind of problem should I make up?
Well, how about this?
I once took one of my kids to the school psychiatrist
and he said the kid had kleptomania.
Anything come of it?
Got a couple of pens and a leather appointment book.
Yeah, or you could try using my problem.
I've always had this terrible fear of being a failure.
You are a failure.
Well, then I've licked it.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I got a suggestion.
This is sure-fire.
It's going to get you where you really want her.
Impotence.
No, no, no.
No. That's a word us guys don't like to say.
Wait a minute. Take it from me.
We women are pushovers for this kind of stuff.
There are two things that women like to do
more than anything else in the world.
And one of them is to cure a guy's impotence.
What's the other thing?
Give it to him again if he gets outta line.
No, I'll tell you.
I don't care how hot that lady is.
I just couldn't say something like that to her.
Okay, so I tell her that I'm impotent.
Mr. Malone.
Oh. It is the same Sam Malone.
I hope this is a professional visit.
I'm sad to say yes.
Doctor...
I need to unburden myself here.
And I figured that you were the one person maybe I could talk to.
Of course. Sit down.
Now, take your time.
Tell me what's troubling you.
Well, Doctor, as you know, I'm a young, healthy male.
But recently, I...
Oh, heck, I'm not gonna mince words with you here.
Lately, I haven't been able to get the old Evan root cranking.
Excuse me.
Well, it's like... it's like my favorite shirt
is a little light in the starch.
Are you trying to say that you're impotent?
No, don't use that word.
Oh, I see.
Yes, well,
arousal dysfunction is a fairly common problem,
but it can be...
Very, very, very distressing.
Oh, it is. It is.
How does this problem usually manifest itself?
Well, it's too painful to talk about.
I could demonstrate it.
No, thank you.
No, you're probably right.
With my luck, it would work.
Like when you take your car to the mechanic?
Of course, this isn't my field of expertise, but...
You're in luck.
My associate, Dr. Heinrich Mueller,
is conducting a group session at this very moment.
I'm sure he'd agree to let you join in.
Actually, I was kind of hoping that you could handle it.
Oh, don't feel uneasy about Dr. Mueller.
Those charges linking him to the Gestapo
were grossly exaggerated.
- Excuse me? - He was merely a consultant.
Actually, his technique is somewhat controversial.
You'll have to go in there and proclaim
your sexual disorder to the group.
You want me to say that in front of other people?
Oh, there are only half a dozen men in there
just like yourself.
And, of course, the 20 or 30 observing nurses.
Just go in there, stand up and say,
"I'm Sam Malone,
and I no longer function as a man."
No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Listen, there's been a misunderstanding here.
I didn't say 'impotent," I said "impudent."
Yeah, I'm a smart ass.
See...
There's nothing wrong with me. No, ma'am.
Then the cure worked. That'll be $150.
Pay the receptionist on your way out.
Oh, you've been putting me on.
And that was very unfair of me
considering how honest you were being.
Alright, I admit that I was making up that stuff just because...
Well, you're... a beautiful woman,
and I just want to see a little more of you, that's all.
I see.
Well, actually,
that's kind of flattering.
Not very many men would come in here
and humiliate themselves
and tell some childish, idiotic lie
just to spend five minutes with me.
I'm a romantic.
So, what do you say? You want to go out to dinner?
I suppose I could use a bit more romance in my life.
All right. Great.
I'll call you. Next week sometime.
- How about tomorrow night? - Great!
That's good. That's good. All right.
Yeah, thanks very much.
Excuse me, you didn't have that tape recorder on, did you,
when I was making up that stuff about im--
Don't worry, Sam.
The moment you walked in here
I was aware you were faking the whole thing
and I turned the recorder off.
Oh, well, thank goodness.
And I turned the intercom on.
Okay, boys. Closing time, let's move on out.
Probably want to go home, get some rest so you can be back
for your 9 a.m. shift.
This is one of those days I hate to see end,
you know what I mean?
Hey, I got some new videos.
You guys want to come over to my place?
New videos. Great.
Yeah, I had our home movies converted to tape.
There's a great one of me all dressed up as Peter Pan,
Ma's Captain Hook. She's tying me up.
For Halloween, huh?
No, no, it's a little game we used to play
to help me sleep.
You know how crazy teenagers are.
Well, Sheila, why don't you hop up to the bar there.
I'll fix us a little nightcap.
Sammy, mind if I take off early?
I want to put the little ones to bed myself tonight.
Put them to bed? Hey, it's 2 a.m.
Oh, right.
They're probably not home yet.
Oh, well. I'll get some sleep.
Hey, listen. Don't forget to put up the bars tools.
Don't worry about it. We'll do it later.
I hope so, but take care of the stools, too.
Sam, I had a really lovely time with you tonight.
You sound a little surprised.
Well, I am a little.
I guess a lot of the men I go out with
Tend to be a little stuffy.
But you're so relaxed and easy to be with.
And I must admit, I've never seen a man
do a puppet show with lobster claws before.
- Well, you were a lovely audience. - Thank you.
Thank you for not coming on like a psychiatrist.
What does that mean?
I know you guys always have your meters going
and I was afraid you were sitting there thinking
all sorts of weird, head-shrinking things.
Well, as a professional, you learn to keep those things to yourself.
So, you...
You were thinking... those things?
Sam, I really prefer to divorce business from pleasure.
Absolutely. No, you're right.
Were they bad things?
Sam, I really think it's a mistake
to pursue this matter any further.
Oh great. I bet you wouldn't say that
if you were thinking good things.
I mean, you'd probably come right out and say it
if you were sitting there thinking,
"Whoa, you know, this guy is really together
and I'm lucky to be with him. Boy, the hair!"
So come on. Tell me.
Really, Sam, no.
Hey, come on, I can take it. It'll be fun.
Sam, would you just please drop the subject.
Okay.
Boy, you brain benders are all the same, aren't you?
I mean, you want two years of a guy's life
and every penny earned
before you give him one little simple diagnosis.
You know, I think you're full of blabber.
I don't think you know anything about me.
I think I do.
Yeah, then why don't you tell me?
All right, Sam, if you insist.
I do.
My professional opinion of you is
that your every thought, word, and deed
revolves around sex.
You have nothing else in your life.
Without constant sex,
you'd probably just shrivel up into a little dried anchovy and die.
Well, who wouldn't?
You mean that's it? No bad stuff?
Sam, there's nothing but bad stuff.
You're an aging Lothario
who uses sex to cover up massive insecurity,
a fear of true intimacy, fear of a relationship,
and quite frankly, not only a fear of dying,
but a fear of living, too.
You're one sick cowpoke.
I resent that.
You know, you were shoveling down that lobster tonight
like there's no tomorrow.
You know, you even ate the green stuff.
And this is the thanks I get?
Sam, you forced me to tell you. What did you want me to do, lie?
Of course. Yes.
Oh, Sam, come on.
Why don't we just forget the whole thing
and go back to my place.
What?
You still want to go to bed
even though sex is supposedly the only thing I have in my life?
Exactly.
And so I assume you're rather good at it.
You would actually have sex
with somebody you don't even respect?
Isn't that what you do with women?
Yeah, but I cover it up.
How long have you lived in America, lady?
Oh, Sam, come on.
No. Listen, I think you ought to take a hike.
I'll tell you what.
Send me a bill for another hundred and a half.
I'll deduct the lobster.
Well, I'm sorry if this was painful,
but maybe it was good for you to have heard it.
By the way, if you change your mind about the sex,
I can be beeped anytime.
That's so pathetic!
Oh!
Are you locking up?
Hey, let me ask you something.
Do you think that my life is empty
and void of any meaning?
Yep. Don't forget to lock up.
Oh!
Tough night on the dating circuit, Sam?
Do you believe my-- my date told me
that there was nothing in my life except...
...women or sex.
By the way, you look hot tonight.
Come on, Sam. You have a lot going for you.
Yeah? Like what?
There's...
I could go on and on. See you later, Sam.
Wait a minute. Come on, answer the question.
What do I have in my life that isn't women or sex?
Come on, Sam. You're a passionate guy.
I bet you have a lot of things that you care deeply about.
Yeah? like what?
Your job.
It's a great way to meet babes.
You love your car.
Babes love it.
Sailing.
Babes on waves.
See?
I mean, the doctor was right.
I'm a shallow guy.
I mean, everything I do is to impress women
or revolves around sex.
I guess I'm nothing more
than a hot, manly machine of love.
Sam, wait! What about the Stooges?
They're all right. They're over at Cliff's.
No, no, Sam. What about the Three Stooges?
Oh yeah, great. I like the Three Stooges.
That helps a lot.
Wait a minute, Sam. Think about this.
Do women like the Three Stooges?
No, they hate them.
All right.
Are women impressed that you like the Three Stooges?
No. Some of them even think they're stupid.
When you're watching the Three Stooges,
do you think they're sexy?
No, when you watch the Three Stooges,
nobody has time to think about sex or women.
Hey, wait a minute.
That means I do have another interest in my life.
I like the Stooges for themselves.
Hey, whoa. I'm okay.
That's fine, Sam.
Come here, porcupine.
- Get off! - Come on. Try it, you'll like it.
Come on, do it.
All right.
There you go.
Come here, porcupine.
Hey, the Stooges don't bleed.