1
00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:04,421
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,588 --> 00:00:07,549
Woody, have you finished counting?
3
00:00:07,716 --> 00:00:09,051
Sure have, Miss Howe.
4
00:00:09,218 --> 00:00:10,344
Oh, come on, Rebecca.
5
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What? A guess-how-many-beans-
in-the-jars bit?
6
00:00:13,180 --> 00:00:14,598
That's corny.
7
00:00:14,765 --> 00:00:17,226
For your information, corny is in.
8
00:00:17,601 --> 00:00:19,520
America wants to return
to the innocence
9
00:00:19,686 --> 00:00:21,271
of their teenage years.
10
00:00:21,438 --> 00:00:24,441
Yeah. The '70s were great,
weren't they?
11
00:00:27,319 --> 00:00:30,697
Anyway, this contest will run
all month
12
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:34,576
and all of Boston will be
playing the game for a fabulous,
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all-expense paid trip to where?
14
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Atlantic City!
15
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For just guessing how many
jelly beans are in this jar.
16
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Three thousand, five hundred.
17
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Woody, is that the correct number?
18
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Nope. Off by 163.
19
00:00:54,763 --> 00:00:55,931
Woody!
20
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You are not supposed
to tell them that.
21
00:01:01,728 --> 00:01:03,814
Now we have to
do this all over again.
22
00:01:03,981 --> 00:01:05,899
Do you have any extra
jelly beans back there?
23
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,819
Sure, there's a whole bag at
the end of the bar.
24
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,822
I hate when the black ones
get stuck in your teeth.
25
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:27,064
Hey, guys, guys.
Watch this.
26
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Hi, gorgeous.
27
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You want to go out with me?
28
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I've got a little cold.
29
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Oh. Next week?
30
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- I'm busy.
- The week after?
31
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Maybe.
32
00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:44,581
You saw it.
33
00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:47,292
You were there.
34
00:02:47,918 --> 00:02:51,380
Sam Malone
just scored a "maybe."
35
00:02:51,546 --> 00:02:53,382
Yow!
36
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:56,385
Well, well.
This calls for a celebration
37
00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:58,637
Waters all around.
38
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Why? What?
39
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Oh, this is truly sad.
40
00:03:02,557 --> 00:03:06,019
A guy who would never settle for
less than eight dates a week
41
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,689
is doing backflips
over a lousy "maybe."
42
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:11,274
Hey, come on. That's progress
for me and Rebecca.
43
00:03:11,441 --> 00:03:14,528
Face facts,
you had it once, but you lost it.
44
00:03:14,695 --> 00:03:17,072
You're nothing but Clavin
in a good shirt.
45
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:21,576
Yeah, I guess we're going to have to
go shopping for a new hero.
46
00:03:21,743 --> 00:03:23,954
Oh, guys, guys,
I can't believe my ears.
47
00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:27,165
Well, Sam, your ears
are the least of your problems.
48
00:03:28,959 --> 00:03:31,420
You think I'm losing it?
Do you need proof?
49
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:32,838
No, no.
Not necessary.
50
00:03:33,004 --> 00:03:34,631
No, no, listen,
I want to prove to you guys
51
00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:35,924
that I'm still your king.
52
00:03:36,091 --> 00:03:37,050
Everybody, please.
53
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,428
Focus your attention
on the door there.
54
00:03:39,594 --> 00:03:41,221
The Amazing Sammy
will now make love
55
00:03:41,388 --> 00:03:43,306
to the very next woman
who enters his bar.
56
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:45,934
Be right back!
57
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,896
- Hey. Employees are ineligible.
- I quit!
58
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,234
We're closed!
59
00:03:54,568 --> 00:03:56,486
Too late. Too late.
60
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:58,822
My lovely volunteer.
61
00:03:59,197 --> 00:04:00,532
Sammy, you're amazing.
62
00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:06,246
Now, I want to assure you
that we've never met before.
63
00:04:06,413 --> 00:04:08,749
If you watch very closely,
you will notice that in no time
64
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:11,126
does my hand actually
leave her body.
65
00:04:16,715 --> 00:04:19,468
You know, she's exactly like a girl
I took out last night.
66
00:04:19,634 --> 00:04:21,052
You mean "tore out."
67
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:27,267
Excuse me.
Boy, is it hot in here,
68
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:28,977
or is it just you?
69
00:04:29,561 --> 00:04:32,439
I'm sorry, did you just say
is it hot in here, or is it just me?
70
00:04:32,606 --> 00:04:35,776
Yep. if you like it,
there's more where that came from.
71
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:37,819
Are you for real?
72
00:04:38,361 --> 00:04:40,280
I've been asked that
question many times,
73
00:04:40,447 --> 00:04:43,241
and by women
a lot more naked than you.
74
00:04:47,996 --> 00:04:49,247
You know,
75
00:04:49,414 --> 00:04:50,832
I've heard about men like you
76
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:53,168
but I can't actually say
I've ever met one.
77
00:04:53,335 --> 00:04:54,878
I'm on a roll here.
78
00:04:56,379 --> 00:04:57,798
My name's Sam Malone.
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00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,509
My name is being withheld
for security reasons.
80
00:05:00,675 --> 00:05:02,511
Well, that's very clever.
81
00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,388
Maybe too clever.
What's it mean?
82
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:09,476
It means I'd like to order
a Manhattan.
83
00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:11,353
I'd like you to put
a cherry in it,
84
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:13,230
and then I'd like you to
put a sock in it.
85
00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:15,607
Your drink.
86
00:05:15,774 --> 00:05:17,067
Hey!
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00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:20,654
Greetings, all!
88
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:22,113
- Ah, Doctor.
- Doctor.
89
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:23,365
- Doctor.
- Doctor.
90
00:05:25,492 --> 00:05:26,993
Woody, may I have a beer, please,
and a mineral water
91
00:05:27,160 --> 00:05:28,495
for the little mother?
92
00:05:28,662 --> 00:05:30,664
You know, Lilith and I heard
a little joke the other day.
93
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,541
Seems a patient walks into
his therapist's office
94
00:05:32,707 --> 00:05:35,126
Suffering from a case of
Korsakoff psychosis
95
00:05:35,293 --> 00:05:37,087
brought on by acute alcoholism.
96
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:38,338
Brain tumor.
97
00:05:38,839 --> 00:05:40,423
Well, darling,
it doesn't make any difference.
98
00:05:40,590 --> 00:05:42,634
Yes, it does.
Brain tumor is funnier.
99
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,386
You're right.
100
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:48,807
No wonder
I didn't get anywhere.
101
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:50,725
She's a friend of Lilith
and Frasier's.
102
00:05:50,892 --> 00:05:53,728
Just another one of those boring,
cold-hearted intellectuals
103
00:05:53,895 --> 00:05:56,314
with legs I could kill for.
104
00:05:56,481 --> 00:05:58,233
Why, Sam?
I like your legs.
105
00:06:00,318 --> 00:06:01,278
If you comb your hair
a little different
106
00:06:01,444 --> 00:06:03,446
nobody will even notice
that ear problem.
107
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:11,329
And then the therapist said,
"No, I said ten cc's,
108
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:13,206
not Tennessee!"
109
00:06:17,043 --> 00:06:18,461
Or was it Kentucky?
110
00:06:18,628 --> 00:06:19,629
It was Tennessee.
111
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:21,214
Oh, it's good.
112
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I'll have to remember
that one.
113
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Hello, Lilith.
Hello, Frasier.
114
00:06:28,179 --> 00:06:29,723
- Hello, Sam.
- I'd love to stay and talk,
115
00:06:29,890 --> 00:06:32,142
but I'm under a gag order.
116
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I'm sorry. I didn't realize
you were a friend of the Cranes.
117
00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:35,687
I'm Sheila Rydell.
118
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Oh, how do you do?
119
00:06:36,813 --> 00:06:38,106
Dr. Rydell is a clinical psychiatrist
120
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and also a fellow at
the Boston University.
121
00:06:40,358 --> 00:06:43,153
Well, thank God
she's a woman here at Cheers.
122
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:46,281
Doctors, excuse me a moment.
123
00:06:46,448 --> 00:06:47,782
I need to call a patient.
124
00:06:47,949 --> 00:06:49,200
Oh yes, there's a phone
right down the hall.
125
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:50,660
This will probably take
a few minutes.
126
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:52,495
- I'll meet you upstairs shortly.
- Fine.
127
00:06:53,038 --> 00:06:55,916
Oh, Doctor.
I have a free phone right here.
128
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:57,959
I'm looking for
a little more privacy.
129
00:06:58,126 --> 00:07:00,170
I have a phone in
my bedroom.
130
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:03,298
Thank you. No.
131
00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:04,466
Honey bear, shall we?
132
00:07:06,801 --> 00:07:08,136
- Oh, by the way, Sam.
- Yeah.
133
00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:12,307
Re: Dr. Rydell,
I must say I concur completely.
134
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:13,725
You know, most women who
go into psychiatry
135
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are real bowsers,
136
00:07:15,101 --> 00:07:17,312
but I wouldn't kick her
off the couch
137
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for eating crackers, you know.
138
00:07:20,523 --> 00:07:21,608
Frasier, I can hear you
139
00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,443
and so can your unborn child.
140
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:32,077
Will he be able to escape
from this one?
141
00:07:32,243 --> 00:07:33,536
Let's watch.
142
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:36,331
What I meant to say was please,
please, please forgive me,
143
00:07:36,498 --> 00:07:38,083
and do you think we have time
to stop by Tiffany's
144
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:39,084
on the way home?
145
00:07:39,250 --> 00:07:41,711
Good boy.
146
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:49,844
Boy, okay,
I want that woman.
147
00:07:50,971 --> 00:07:53,181
Sam, she's carrying Dr. Crane's baby.
148
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:59,688
No, not that woman.
The woman over by the phone.
149
00:07:59,854 --> 00:08:03,274
Oh, well, who doesn't?
Hubba, hubba.
150
00:08:03,441 --> 00:08:05,110
Sam, Mr. Cool,
151
00:08:05,276 --> 00:08:07,195
I hate to burst
your bubble again,
152
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,114
but didn't she just
shoot you down?
153
00:08:09,280 --> 00:08:11,783
Hey, maybe you should just stay
away from brunettes...
154
00:08:11,950 --> 00:08:14,411
- Except me, of course.
- Yeah.
155
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:15,704
No, no.
Don't you see here,
156
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:17,455
the good doctor and I are sparring.
157
00:08:17,622 --> 00:08:19,416
It's sexy. It's fun,
158
00:08:19,582 --> 00:08:23,003
just like one of those old
Spencer Tracy, Audrey Hepburn movies.
159
00:08:24,087 --> 00:08:25,755
Sammy,
just step into my office, please.
160
00:08:25,922 --> 00:08:26,840
A word in your ear.
161
00:08:27,716 --> 00:08:30,385
You know, if I were you,
I'd approach good Dr. Legs there
162
00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:32,846
on a professional level.
163
00:08:33,263 --> 00:08:35,265
I would make an appointment
with her and pretend
164
00:08:35,432 --> 00:08:36,683
there was something
wrong with me.
165
00:08:38,226 --> 00:08:41,187
Cliff ie...that's a pretty good idea.
166
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:43,440
Yeah. Who gave it to you?
167
00:08:45,692 --> 00:08:48,403
It's mine.
It came right from this brain.
168
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:51,322
Hey, everybody.
Clavin got a new brain.
169
00:08:53,992 --> 00:08:55,827
So what do you think?
170
00:08:55,994 --> 00:08:57,829
What kind of problem
should I make up?
171
00:08:57,996 --> 00:08:59,247
Well, how about this?
172
00:08:59,414 --> 00:09:01,791
I once took one of my kids
to the school psychiatrist
173
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:03,626
and he said the kid
had kleptomania.
174
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:04,919
Anything come of it?
175
00:09:05,086 --> 00:09:07,338
Got a couple of pens and a
leather appointment book.
176
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,341
Yeah, or you could try using
my problem.
177
00:09:10,508 --> 00:09:12,886
I've always had this terrible
fear of being a failure.
178
00:09:13,053 --> 00:09:14,429
You are a failure.
179
00:09:15,513 --> 00:09:16,765
Well, then I've licked it.
180
00:09:24,147 --> 00:09:26,441
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
I got a suggestion.
181
00:09:26,608 --> 00:09:27,776
This is sure-fire.
182
00:09:27,942 --> 00:09:29,778
It's going to get you
where you really want her.
183
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,112
Impotence.
184
00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,031
No, no, no.
185
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:38,703
No. That's a word us guys
don't like to say.
186
00:09:38,870 --> 00:09:40,914
Wait a minute.
Take it from me.
187
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:44,375
We women are pushovers
for this kind of stuff.
188
00:09:44,542 --> 00:09:46,711
There are two things
that women like to do
189
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,505
more than anything else
in the world.
190
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,632
And one of them is to cure
a guy's impotence.
191
00:09:50,799 --> 00:09:51,925
What's the other thing?
192
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,885
Give it to him again
if he gets outta line.
193
00:09:58,056 --> 00:10:00,016
No, I'll tell you.
194
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,143
I don't care how hot
that lady is.
195
00:10:02,310 --> 00:10:05,105
I just couldn't say
something like that to her.
196
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:20,829
Okay, so I tell her
that I'm impotent.
197
00:10:33,091 --> 00:10:34,634
Mr. Malone.
198
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,262
Oh. It is the same Sam Malone.
199
00:10:38,638 --> 00:10:40,974
I hope this is a
professional visit.
200
00:10:41,141 --> 00:10:43,434
I'm sad to say yes.
201
00:10:44,060 --> 00:10:45,311
Doctor...
202
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,272
I need to unburden
myself here.
203
00:10:47,438 --> 00:10:50,650
And I figured that you were
the one person maybe I could talk to.
204
00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:53,111
Of course.
Sit down.
205
00:11:10,420 --> 00:11:12,422
Now, take your time.
206
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:14,299
Tell me what's troubling you.
207
00:11:16,050 --> 00:11:20,180
Well, Doctor, as you know,
I'm a young, healthy male.
208
00:11:20,346 --> 00:11:23,099
But recently, I...
209
00:11:23,266 --> 00:11:26,352
Oh, heck, I'm not gonna
mince words with you here.
210
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:29,689
Lately, I haven't been able to
get the old Evan root cranking.
211
00:11:35,737 --> 00:11:37,989
Excuse me.
212
00:11:39,407 --> 00:11:42,952
Well, it's like...
it's like my favorite shirt
213
00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:45,121
is a little light in the starch.
214
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,918
Are you trying to say
that you're impotent?
215
00:11:50,084 --> 00:11:51,544
No, don't use that word.
216
00:11:51,711 --> 00:11:53,296
Oh, I see.
217
00:11:53,463 --> 00:11:54,839
Yes, well,
218
00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:57,842
arousal dysfunction
is a fairly common problem,
219
00:11:58,009 --> 00:11:59,802
but it can be...
220
00:11:59,969 --> 00:12:02,013
Very, very, very distressing.
221
00:12:02,180 --> 00:12:04,098
Oh, it is.
It is.
222
00:12:08,811 --> 00:12:11,231
How does this problem
usually manifest itself?
223
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,358
Well, it's too painful
to talk about.
224
00:12:13,524 --> 00:12:16,527
I could demonstrate it.
225
00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:17,403
No, thank you.
226
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:18,947
No, you're probably right.
227
00:12:19,113 --> 00:12:21,324
With my luck, it would work.
228
00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:25,119
Like when you take your car
to the mechanic?
229
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:29,165
Of course,
this isn't my field of expertise, but...
230
00:12:29,332 --> 00:12:31,417
You're in luck.
231
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,920
My associate, Dr. Heinrich Mueller,
232
00:12:34,087 --> 00:12:36,339
is conducting a group session
at this very moment.
233
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,549
I'm sure he'd agree to
let you join in.
234
00:12:38,716 --> 00:12:40,718
Actually, I was kind of hoping
that you could handle it.
235
00:12:40,885 --> 00:12:42,220
Oh, don't feel uneasy
about Dr. Mueller.
236
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:44,264
Those charges linking him
to the Gestapo
237
00:12:44,430 --> 00:12:46,891
were grossly exaggerated.
238
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,435
- Excuse me?
- He was merely a consultant.
239
00:12:50,687 --> 00:12:52,981
Actually, his technique
is somewhat controversial.
240
00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:54,399
You'll have to go in
there and proclaim
241
00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,484
your sexual disorder
to the group.
242
00:12:56,734 --> 00:12:58,236
You want me to say that
in front of other people?
243
00:12:58,403 --> 00:12:59,904
Oh, there are only
half a dozen men in there
244
00:13:00,071 --> 00:13:01,364
just like yourself.
245
00:13:01,531 --> 00:13:04,575
And, of course, the 20 or 30
observing nurses.
246
00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:07,078
Just go in there, stand up
and say,
247
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,579
"I'm Sam Malone,
248
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:10,915
and I no longer
function as a man."
249
00:13:12,375 --> 00:13:13,918
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
250
00:13:14,085 --> 00:13:17,255
Listen, there's been
a misunderstanding here.
251
00:13:17,422 --> 00:13:19,090
I didn't say 'impotent,"
I said "impudent."
252
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,967
Yeah, I'm a smart ass.
253
00:13:21,134 --> 00:13:23,469
See...
254
00:13:23,678 --> 00:13:25,805
There's nothing wrong with me.
No, ma'am.
255
00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:28,975
Then the cure worked.
That'll be $150.
256
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:31,311
Pay the receptionist
on your way out.
257
00:13:32,770 --> 00:13:36,733
Oh, you've been
putting me on.
258
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:37,984
And that was very
unfair of me
259
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:41,279
considering how honest
you were being.
260
00:13:42,989 --> 00:13:48,119
Alright, I admit that I was
making up that stuff just because...
261
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:50,997
Well, you're... a beautiful woman,
262
00:13:51,164 --> 00:13:53,666
and I just want to see
a little more of you, that's all.
263
00:13:55,251 --> 00:13:57,003
I see.
264
00:13:57,170 --> 00:13:59,297
Well, actually,
265
00:13:59,464 --> 00:14:02,633
that's kind of flattering.
266
00:14:03,092 --> 00:14:04,510
Not very many men
would come in here
267
00:14:04,677 --> 00:14:06,095
and humiliate themselves
268
00:14:06,262 --> 00:14:08,264
and tell some childish, idiotic lie
269
00:14:08,431 --> 00:14:10,558
just to spend five minutes with me.
270
00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:13,686
I'm a romantic.
271
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,399
So, what do you say?
You want to go out to dinner?
272
00:14:19,275 --> 00:14:22,862
I suppose I could use a bit
more romance in my life.
273
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:24,781
All right. Great.
274
00:14:24,947 --> 00:14:26,574
I'll call you.
Next week sometime.
275
00:14:26,741 --> 00:14:28,409
- How about tomorrow night?
- Great!
276
00:14:28,576 --> 00:14:30,536
That's good.
That's good. All right.
277
00:14:30,995 --> 00:14:32,538
Yeah, thanks very much.
278
00:14:38,795 --> 00:14:41,756
Excuse me, you didn't have that
tape recorder on, did you,
279
00:14:41,923 --> 00:14:44,550
when I was making up that
stuff about im--
280
00:14:44,717 --> 00:14:45,676
Don't worry, Sam.
281
00:14:45,843 --> 00:14:46,844
The moment you walked in here
282
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:48,388
I was aware you were faking
the whole thing
283
00:14:48,554 --> 00:14:49,764
and I turned the recorder off.
284
00:14:49,931 --> 00:14:51,349
Oh, well,
thank goodness.
285
00:14:55,019 --> 00:14:56,938
And I turned the intercom on.
286
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:09,784
Okay, boys. Closing time,
let's move on out.
287
00:15:09,951 --> 00:15:12,578
Probably want to go home,
get some rest so you can be back
288
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:14,997
for your 9 a.m. shift.
289
00:15:15,164 --> 00:15:16,457
This is one of those days
I hate to see end,
290
00:15:16,624 --> 00:15:18,000
you know what I mean?
291
00:15:18,167 --> 00:15:19,335
Hey, I got
some new videos.
292
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:20,503
You guys want to come
over to my place?
293
00:15:20,670 --> 00:15:22,004
New videos. Great.
294
00:15:22,171 --> 00:15:25,508
Yeah, I had our home movies
converted to tape.
295
00:15:25,675 --> 00:15:28,052
There's a great one of me
all dressed up as Peter Pan,
296
00:15:28,219 --> 00:15:30,721
Ma's Captain Hook.
She's tying me up.
297
00:15:30,888 --> 00:15:32,265
For Halloween, huh?
298
00:15:32,432 --> 00:15:33,891
No, no, it's a little game
we used to play
299
00:15:34,058 --> 00:15:34,892
to help me sleep.
300
00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,978
You know how crazy
teenagers are.
301
00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,320
Well, Sheila, why don't you
hop up to the bar there.
302
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,781
I'll fix us
a little nightcap.
303
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:50,825
Sammy, mind if I take off early?
304
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:52,952
I want to put the little ones
to bed myself tonight.
305
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,163
Put them to bed?
Hey, it's 2 a.m.
306
00:15:55,329 --> 00:15:56,330
Oh, right.
307
00:15:56,497 --> 00:15:58,166
They're probably
not home yet.
308
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,087
Oh, well.
I'll get some sleep.
309
00:16:03,254 --> 00:16:05,423
Hey, listen. Don't forget
to put up the bars tools.
310
00:16:05,590 --> 00:16:07,800
Don't worry about it.
We'll do it later.
311
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:10,845
I hope so, but take care
of the stools, too.
312
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:18,394
Sam, I had a really lovely time
with you tonight.
313
00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:20,480
You sound a little surprised.
314
00:16:20,646 --> 00:16:22,815
Well, I am a little.
315
00:16:22,982 --> 00:16:24,442
I guess a lot of the men
I go out with
316
00:16:24,609 --> 00:16:26,903
Tend to be
a little stuffy.
317
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:30,823
But you're so relaxed
and easy to be with.
318
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,034
And I must admit,
I've never seen a man
319
00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,328
do a puppet show
with lobster claws before.
320
00:16:36,954 --> 00:16:39,999
- Well, you were a lovely audience.
- Thank you.
321
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:43,878
Thank you for not
coming on like a psychiatrist.
322
00:16:44,045 --> 00:16:45,254
What does that mean?
323
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:47,507
I know you guys always have
your meters going
324
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:49,008
and I was afraid you were
sitting there thinking
325
00:16:49,175 --> 00:16:52,220
all sorts of weird,
head-shrinking things.
326
00:16:52,386 --> 00:16:55,431
Well, as a professional, you learn
to keep those things to yourself.
327
00:16:58,017 --> 00:16:59,101
So, you...
328
00:16:59,268 --> 00:17:01,229
You were thinking...
those things?
329
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:06,609
Sam, I really prefer
to divorce business from pleasure.
330
00:17:06,776 --> 00:17:08,110
Absolutely.
No, you're right.
331
00:17:09,946 --> 00:17:11,155
Were they bad things?
332
00:17:13,699 --> 00:17:15,243
Sam, I really think
it's a mistake
333
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:17,286
to pursue this matter
any further.
334
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:19,205
Oh great.
I bet you wouldn't say that
335
00:17:19,372 --> 00:17:21,123
if you were thinking
good things.
336
00:17:21,290 --> 00:17:22,458
I mean, you'd probably come
right out and say it
337
00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:23,876
if you were sitting
there thinking,
338
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,920
"Whoa, you know, this guy
is really together
339
00:17:26,087 --> 00:17:28,381
and I'm lucky to be with him.
Boy, the hair!"
340
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,302
So come on.
Tell me.
341
00:17:33,469 --> 00:17:34,512
Really, Sam, no.
342
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,931
Hey, come on, I can take it.
It'll be fun.
343
00:17:37,098 --> 00:17:39,892
Sam, would you just please
drop the subject.
344
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:42,687
Okay.
345
00:17:42,853 --> 00:17:45,731
Boy, you brain benders
are all the same, aren't you?
346
00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:48,442
I mean, you want two years
of a guy's life
347
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,819
and every penny earned
348
00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:53,489
before you give him
one little simple diagnosis.
349
00:17:53,656 --> 00:17:54,657
You know, I think
you're full of blabber.
350
00:17:54,824 --> 00:17:56,284
I don't think you know
anything about me.
351
00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:57,785
I think I do.
352
00:17:57,994 --> 00:18:00,663
Yeah, then why don't
you tell me?
353
00:18:00,830 --> 00:18:02,373
All right, Sam,
if you insist.
354
00:18:02,540 --> 00:18:03,541
I do.
355
00:18:05,543 --> 00:18:08,713
My professional opinion
of you is
356
00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:11,007
that your every thought,
word, and deed
357
00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:12,800
revolves around sex.
358
00:18:15,219 --> 00:18:17,763
You have nothing else
in your life.
359
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,223
Without constant sex,
360
00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:24,604
you'd probably just shrivel up
into a little dried anchovy and die.
361
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:27,940
Well, who wouldn't?
362
00:18:30,234 --> 00:18:31,986
You mean that's it?
No bad stuff?
363
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:37,908
Sam, there's nothing
but bad stuff.
364
00:18:38,075 --> 00:18:40,661
You're an aging Lothario
365
00:18:40,828 --> 00:18:44,332
who uses sex to cover up
massive insecurity,
366
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:48,002
a fear of true intimacy,
fear of a relationship,
367
00:18:48,169 --> 00:18:50,338
and quite frankly,
not only a fear of dying,
368
00:18:50,504 --> 00:18:51,881
but a fear of living, too.
369
00:18:52,048 --> 00:18:54,216
You're one sick cowpoke.
370
00:18:57,303 --> 00:18:59,221
I resent that.
371
00:18:59,388 --> 00:19:00,890
You know, you were shoveling
down that lobster tonight
372
00:19:01,057 --> 00:19:03,184
like there's no tomorrow.
373
00:19:03,351 --> 00:19:05,061
You know, you even ate
the green stuff.
374
00:19:05,227 --> 00:19:06,812
And this is the
thanks I get?
375
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:10,024
Sam, you forced me to tell you.
What did you want me to do, lie?
376
00:19:10,191 --> 00:19:11,692
Of course. Yes.
377
00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:14,862
Oh, Sam, come on.
378
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,364
Why don't we just forget
the whole thing
379
00:19:16,530 --> 00:19:18,074
and go back to my place.
380
00:19:18,240 --> 00:19:19,158
What?
381
00:19:19,659 --> 00:19:21,243
You still want to
go to bed
382
00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:23,954
even though sex is supposedly
the only thing I have in my life?
383
00:19:24,121 --> 00:19:26,248
Exactly.
384
00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:28,542
And so I assume
you're rather good at it.
385
00:19:34,548 --> 00:19:36,050
You would actually have sex
386
00:19:36,217 --> 00:19:38,469
with somebody you don't even respect?
387
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:40,930
Isn't that what you do
with women?
388
00:19:41,097 --> 00:19:42,807
Yeah, but I cover it up.
389
00:19:45,601 --> 00:19:48,270
How long have you
lived in America, lady?
390
00:19:49,897 --> 00:19:51,190
Oh, Sam, come on.
391
00:19:51,399 --> 00:19:53,609
No. Listen, I think you ought
to take a hike.
392
00:19:53,776 --> 00:19:54,902
I'll tell you what.
393
00:19:55,069 --> 00:19:56,028
Send me a bill for another
hundred and a half.
394
00:19:56,195 --> 00:19:57,321
I'll deduct the lobster.
395
00:20:02,993 --> 00:20:06,122
Well, I'm sorry
if this was painful,
396
00:20:06,288 --> 00:20:09,333
but maybe it was good
for you to have heard it.
397
00:20:11,502 --> 00:20:14,422
By the way, if you change your mind
about the sex,
398
00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:17,550
I can be beeped anytime.
399
00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,593
That's so pathetic!
400
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:23,472
Oh!
401
00:20:36,277 --> 00:20:37,278
Are you locking up?
402
00:20:37,486 --> 00:20:38,487
Hey, let me ask you something.
403
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:40,114
Do you think that my life is empty
404
00:20:40,281 --> 00:20:42,491
and void of any meaning?
405
00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,618
Yep. Don't forget to lock up.
406
00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:48,914
Oh!
407
00:20:55,588 --> 00:20:57,673
Tough night on the dating circuit, Sam?
408
00:20:59,842 --> 00:21:02,011
Do you believe my--
my date told me
409
00:21:02,178 --> 00:21:04,346
that there was nothing in my life
except...
410
00:21:05,514 --> 00:21:07,767
...women or sex.
411
00:21:07,933 --> 00:21:09,226
By the way,
you look hot tonight.
412
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:15,191
Come on, Sam.
You have a lot going for you.
413
00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:17,735
Yeah?
Like what?
414
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:20,154
There's...
415
00:21:22,323 --> 00:21:25,034
I could go on and on.
See you later, Sam.
416
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:26,994
Wait a minute. Come on,
answer the question.
417
00:21:27,161 --> 00:21:30,748
What do I have in my life
that isn't women or sex?
418
00:21:31,165 --> 00:21:33,876
Come on, Sam.
You're a passionate guy.
419
00:21:34,043 --> 00:21:37,171
I bet you have a lot of things
that you care deeply about.
420
00:21:37,379 --> 00:21:39,048
Yeah? like what?
421
00:21:40,216 --> 00:21:41,842
Your job.
422
00:21:42,134 --> 00:21:44,220
It's a great way
to meet babes.
423
00:21:45,471 --> 00:21:46,847
You love your car.
424
00:21:47,515 --> 00:21:48,933
Babes love it.
425
00:21:49,725 --> 00:21:50,601
Sailing.
426
00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:53,020
Babes on waves.
427
00:21:55,689 --> 00:21:57,608
See?
428
00:21:57,775 --> 00:21:58,943
I mean, the doctor
was right.
429
00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:00,152
I'm a shallow guy.
430
00:22:00,319 --> 00:22:02,363
I mean, everything I do
is to impress women
431
00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:04,740
or revolves around sex.
432
00:22:05,157 --> 00:22:06,283
I guess I'm nothing more
433
00:22:06,450 --> 00:22:09,578
than a hot, manly
machine of love.
434
00:22:14,416 --> 00:22:16,043
Sam, wait!
What about the Stooges?
435
00:22:16,210 --> 00:22:18,087
They're all right.
They're over at Cliff's.
436
00:22:19,713 --> 00:22:21,799
No, no, Sam.
What about the Three Stooges?
437
00:22:21,966 --> 00:22:23,759
Oh yeah, great.
I like the Three Stooges.
438
00:22:23,926 --> 00:22:25,094
That helps a lot.
439
00:22:25,261 --> 00:22:26,595
Wait a minute, Sam.
Think about this.
440
00:22:26,762 --> 00:22:29,390
Do women like
the Three Stooges?
441
00:22:29,557 --> 00:22:31,058
No, they hate them.
442
00:22:31,225 --> 00:22:32,560
All right.
443
00:22:32,726 --> 00:22:34,562
Are women impressed
that you like the Three Stooges?
444
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:37,982
No. Some of them even think
they're stupid.
445
00:22:39,483 --> 00:22:41,026
When you're watching
the Three Stooges,
446
00:22:41,193 --> 00:22:42,653
do you think they're sexy?
447
00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:44,864
No, when you watch
the Three Stooges,
448
00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:47,658
nobody has time
to think about sex or women.
449
00:22:52,413 --> 00:22:54,582
Hey, wait a minute.
450
00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,959
That means I do have
another interest in my life.
451
00:22:58,836 --> 00:23:00,713
I like the Stooges
for themselves.
452
00:23:00,880 --> 00:23:03,173
Hey, whoa. I'm okay.
453
00:23:09,096 --> 00:23:10,139
That's fine, Sam.
454
00:23:10,306 --> 00:23:11,390
Come here, porcupine.
455
00:23:13,934 --> 00:23:15,436
- Get off!
- Come on. Try it, you'll like it.
456
00:23:15,603 --> 00:23:16,896
Come on, do it.
457
00:23:17,271 --> 00:23:18,480
All right.
458
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:20,691
There you go.
459
00:23:20,858 --> 00:23:24,111
Come here, porcupine.
460
00:23:25,863 --> 00:23:27,531
Hey, the Stooges don't bleed.