Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
All right, I'm going to say it
and I don't care who knows it.
Ever since Reagan left the White House,
this country's gone to heck in a handcart.
Here we go.
Heads.
- Ha ha. - Damn.
All right, Cliff, seeing as how I'm your best friend,
I guess you better tell me what the problem is.
You're only asking me because you lost the toss.
No. He's only your best friend
because he lost the toss.
Fine. Yeah. Go ahead and laugh.
Look. We'll see how funny you think this is.
As you may have guessed, this is a hybrid cross
between a rutabaga and a beet.
What are we calling it?
Beetabaga.
Cliff ie...
I don't want to poke holes in this thing,
or even touch it, actually, but, really, I mean,
how useful do you think this is going to be?
You kidding, Norm?
This is the perfect vegetable
for kids who hate rutabagas
but love beets.
And there must be, what, dozens of those, right?
Exactly.
It fills a long-felt need, Norm.
That's why those faceless bureaucrats in Washington
are trying to steal it away from me.
Which reminds me,
I got an affidavit here I'd like you all to sign
saying that Clifford Clavin is the inventor of the Beetabaga.
- Cliff ie... - You got a pen?
Remember when you asked me to tell you
if you were going off the deep end?
Yeah.
Don't come up too fast, buddy. You'll get the bends.
Norm, you know, I usually go along with you,
but I am really on to something.
Cliff ie, does this sound familiar?
B-b-b-b-b.
Woody, you look like a million bucks.
You're way off, Sam. I got the sweater for $19.95,
I got the pants for 25 bucks,
and I got the socks at a yard sale for 40 cents.
What's the occasion?
They were selling the house,
trying to get rid of some old socks.
No, Woody. I meant why are you all dressed up?
Oh. Well, the corporation's having a big lunch
and my girlfriend's dad is going to be there.
So in case you bump into him, you want to look good, huh?
He makes me so nervous.
It took me an hour to figure out what to wear this morning.
Yeah, I have that problem, too.
You only have three suits.
Yeah, but I have five ties.
Sam, can you help me get my hair to do what yours always does?
Sure. I don't think that'd be a problem here, Woody.
Okay.
Now, you don't know what your PH level is, do you?
Oh, hi, Mr. Gaines.
Woody...
Now that you're dating my daughter,
I suppose we should take some time
to be a little more friendly.
Therefore, I'd like to invite you
to Kelly's birthday party this Friday.
Oh, thanks, but you didn't have to
come all the way down here and tell me in person.
I keep thinking if we spend more time together,
see each other face to face,
I'll learn what the attraction is for my daughter.
Nope.
I'm an enigma.
I have just about had it up to here with this corporation.
Hey, everybody, here comes the broken record.
I get invited to my first power lunch meeting,
and nobody even notices me.
As usual, I am just ignored.
And I finally figured out why.
I am just too darned attractive.
Guys really hate that, yeah.
You know, the problem is
that everybody just sees me as a sex kitten.
I hate that.
I think I need to find a new role model.
If only I knew one successful career woman
with an image that invites no sexual appeal whatsoever.
Another decaffeinated iced coffee,
black as you can make it.
Lilith, I love the way you look.
Which is it--
The radiant glow of impending motherhood
or the 20 pounds of water I'm retaining
in my fingers and ankles?
Lilith, Lilith, I love the way you dress.
I admire your style.
Do you think that you could help me
develop a more businesslike appearance?
I'd love to, Rebecca.
And may I say it's about time you asked?
There are two approaches a woman can take
in turning her look to her advantage.
The first is to play upon the male sexual drive
and turn yourself into an object of desire.
I have opted for the second.
- What's that? - Scaring them stupid.
I like it.
So, Woods, what did Mr. Big want to talk to you about?
Still sweating you out about seeing his daughter?
I bet he offered you a couple of thou
to keep your mitts off the airhead to the throne.
Don't you do it, Woody.
Money is no substitute for the love of a good woman.
Now, real estate, especially in today's market...
No, no, no, no. You guys are way off base.
I didn't think Mr. Gaines liked me, either,
but he just invited me to Kelly's birthday party.
That's great.
You know, you're going to have to get her a present.
I know, Carla. I'm prepared for this.
And I'm not just giving her any present,
but the gift that makes us all
a little bit happier to be alive.
The gift of laughter.
How so, Woods?
I'm giving her The Really Big Book of Dutch Humor.
See, it works.
Woody, you know, everybody at the party
is going to be richer than God.
If you walk in there
and show them a stupid book full of tulip jokes,
they're going to laugh in your face.
That's kind of the idea, Carla.
Woody, I think Kelly might be used to gifts
that are a little bit more expensive.
Then why did her father invite me?
He knows I can't afford anything ritzy.
Well, maybe that's his plan, Woody.
Maybe he wants to humiliate you in front of Kelly's friends
so she'll be too embarrassed to date you anymore.
Maybe I won't even go.
Maybe I'll just stay home this weekend
and work on my hair. Sam?
Yeah. I could help you out.
You know, you got a wave there
that's just going to waste.
Say, Woody, before Mr. Jacques combs you out...
Could you come here?
Woody, you're giving up too easily.
You see, I'm sure you have plenty to offer Kelly.
Like what?
Well, how about a gift from the heart.
Something which no rich man can obtain,
upon which no price can be set.
Great idea, Dr. Crane.
I can't tell you actually what to do, of course,
but I can relate a story from my own experience.
I remember when I was courting a certain beauty.
I wrote her a poem.
It was no great piece of literature,
but it did express my feelings honestly.
I recall reciting the last lines
while we were sitting in front of the fire,
basking in our love.
"Your lips are the flame that consumes me
and the candle that lights my way."
- Frasier, love... - Yes, dearest?
I've never heard that drivel before in my life.
I wonder whose lips those were.
Kelly, that's beautiful.
Come on, Uncle Val, I know you. What's the gag?
Look inside.
Yay! A new Mercedes!
Thank you!
Well, that looks like that's it.
What say we all go outside
and have a look at some of Kelly's new cars.
Wait, everybody.
Woody hasn't given me his present yet.
That's right, Kelly.
Could you come stand over here?
I'd like to sing you a little song I wrote for you.
Now I should tell you right up front that
I'm not really a professional singer.
I'm more of a vocal stylist.
The song, Woody.
Oh, right.
Kelly, my darling you are my sunshine
When we're together I feel fine
Your smile is so lovely
Your hair is so clean
You make me feel
That the whole world is mine
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly
K-E-L-L-Y
Why? Because you're
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly of mine
Mine, mine, mine, mine
Mine
Oh...
Woody, that was beautiful.
You really liked it?
I liked it more than anything.
Thanks.
So, where's my gift?
Woody, I think you oughta lay off.
How many have you had?
Eleven.
11 beers?
11 Sips.
Well, that's plenty, Woody.
You know, booze is no way to handle any problems.
I just can't get over the way Kelly made a fool out of me
in front of all those people.
So you just left?
What else could I do?
I told her my present was out front and ran off.
Don't worry about it, Wood.
It happens to all of us.
Really? Did Mrs. Peterson ever make a fool out of you
in front of other people?
Yeah, there was that time she pulled the old "I do" gag.
I just never expected this from Kelly.
I'm really mad at her.
She's just a rich... a rich...
I'd like to call her a nasty name,
but I can't think of anything that rhymes with rich.
You know, Woody, you're better off dumping her.
Rich people stink. I hate them.
I hate their soft shoes.
The way they're too relaxed to sweat.
You know what I hate most about rich people?
I'm not one of them.
Yeah, Carla, you sweat like a longshoreman.
Woody, I think you ought to give her a second chance.
I mean, Kelly doesn't know what she's doing here.
She was born rich.
All her school friends are rich.
You know, maybe she just can't imagine
someone who can't afford something expensive.
Did you explain it to her?
What's the use? I don't care anymore.
Don't be bitter.
I'm not bitter, Sam.
I'm just consumed by a gnawing hate
that's eating away at my gut
until I can taste the bile in my mouth.
Well, I guess I am a little bitter--
Either that, or I'm coming down with something.
Does anybody have a Tic Tac?
Where's Rebecca?
In changing.
I'm helping her remake her image.
We're planning to crash the power lunch
going on right now at Melville's to show those executives
what a real, no-nonsense businesswoman looks like.
What does she look like?
Ms. Howe?
Oh, a man.
Carla, stop interrupting.
Lilith is trying to teach me
how to be a hard-assed businesswoman.
The pretzel man wants to see you.
You talk to him. He scares me.
You look wonderful, Rebecca.
Thank you.
Can you breathe in that thing?
I'm a little constricted.
Perhaps it's the tight collar.
Or the ace bandage strapped around my breasts.
They interfered with the line of your jacket.
What do you think, Carla?
Well, turn around.
Bind her butt, too.
Are you ready to sock it to the old boys' network?
I am!
Too much inflection.
- I am. - I'm proud of you.
Jeez. Two Liliths.
This is like a nightmare I had once.
You, too?
Well, that cuts it.
The whole world's against me.
What's the problem, Cliff ie?
Those boneheads down at McDonald's
refuse to even consider
the obvious commercial value
of McBeetabaga burgers.
For God's sake, are you still going on about your stupid vegetable?
It's not my vegetable, Norm.
It belongs to the whole world.
Aren't you vegetable enough for the world?
You are going to be doubting
on the other side of your mouth pretty soon.
I went home last night
and fooled around in the kitchen a little bit
and came up with some mouth-watering morsels here.
Come on. Who's going to be the first
to try some of these goodies?
We have Beetabaga brittle,
Beetabaga burritos,
and for that little taste of Cairo,
Beetabaga fajita on a pita.
How about a Beetabaga barf bag?
I'd like to try one. May I?
Well, you certainly may.
You certainly may.
Ha. A man with a sense of adventure.
Here you go, sir.
- This is delicious. - Yeah?
Not too chalky?
No. I really like the unusual aftertaste.
That'll stay with you for a couple of days.
Listen up down there.
This fine gentleman can teach you something.
You know, I plan to tell the people back where I work about these.
Hey, hear that?
And I should know something on the subject,
as I not only have a degree in agriculture,
but I'm also a graduate of the Cordon Bleu.
The man is an expert.
I'm also an astronaut.
Next week, I'm going to be the Queen of Spain.
Hey, Frase, could you use another patient?
Oh, Cliff, you're harmless.
There's only one thing left to do-- just take this to the public.
Beetabaga fajita on a pita?
No hablo español, señor.
Woody, are you okay?
I was afraid something awful had happened to you.
Yeah, well, maybe it did.
I kept waiting for you to come back to the party.
At first I just figured you'd gone out onto the front lawn
and got lost like last week,
but now I know something's wrong.
I'll tell you what's wrong.
I don't have a gift for you,
so why don't you just leave?
Okay, Woody, if that's what you want.
No, wait, Kelly.
It's not what I want,
but you have to understand something.
I'm just a poor working guy.
Could we go someplace and talk?
I can't leave now.
Why not?
I have a job.
I know. I think that's so cute.
I don't work to be cute.
I work to make money, to live.
The cute part just happens.
Don't you understand?
I'm trying, Woody.
There's some gifts you can't put in a box
or hold in your hand.
Kelly, the song was my gift.
Oh, I get it. The song is a riddle, right?
And if I can figure it out,
it'll tell me where you've hidden my gift.
I think we're just too different.
I don't think we should see each other anymore.
Really?
Really.
I guess there isn't anything else to say.
I'm sorry, man.
What were you supposed to do, you know,
run out and empty your savings,
hock everything you own,
spend every penny you ever earned
just to buy her a silly, little piece of jewelry?
Sam, that's a great idea.
No, Wood.
And I thought I was the smart one.
How did it go?
Well, not bad.
If I choose to accept their offer,
you're looking at the new vice president
in charge of the Eastern Seaboard.
She's lying.
I'm the vice president of the Eastern Seaboard.
Now I am the Eastern Seaboard.
What a view!
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly
Kelly, Kelly
Hi, Kelly.
Happy birthday.
I thought you never wanted to see me again.
That was just a joke.
You know my crazy Dutch humor.
Here.
Woody, you didn't have to.
Oh, it's a pendant.
It's a little opal surrounded by sand.
Those are crushed diamonds.
I like it. Where's the chain?
I'll have that for you
in another 18 easy payments.
Well, let's go get it now.
We'll take my new Lamborghini.
It only has three miles on it.
We can't go get it now.
I don't have any money.
We can just stop by your automatic teller on the way.
Kelly, when I say I don't have any money,
I don't have any money.
Nothing in my shoe,
nothing under my mattress. Nothing.
You take all the money in all the world
and get rid of it,
and that's how much money I have.
Wait a minute.
You can't afford this, can you?
That's why you've been so upset.
Now I understand.
It's like when Daddy wanted to buy Shell oil
and couldn't.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
You know, this is really sweet,
but I can't accept it if it's going to hurt you.
Thanks, Kelly.
I feel really bad about this.
No, I'm the one.
See, I just wanted
to give you something that nobody else could.
And I know I couldn't compete with your friends
when it came to expensive stuff,
so I tried that dorky song.
It was pretty.
The tune or the words?
The words especially.
Good, because I sort of ripped off the tune.
I liked it.
Well, gee, there is one other thing
I wanted to give you,
and maybe it's even better than the song.
No one else in the world has it.
What's that?
Just...
I love you.
You're not going to say, "where's my gift," are you?
Oh, Woody.
You make me feel so ashamed.
Your gift makes all those others seem so cheap.
Kelly, you're the best girl in the whole world.
And to think that for your birthday
I was going to get you a Porsche.
Talk about shallow.
All you really need
is to hear me say that
I love you, too.
Woody?
I'm sorry. Did you say something after Porsche?