Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Good evening, Mr. Clavin. How lovely to see you again.
It's a trick, isn't it? You're going to hurt me.
Yeah, what's the story here, Carla?
You've been acting very strange all evening.
Why? What did I do?
Well, for example, you've poured me three beers
without once flicking the foam on my nose.
You haven't even spit on anybody.
What is it, honey? Trouble at home?
All right. I'm going to tell you guys.
I went to see Madame Lazora this morning.
- Your fortune teller? - Palmist.
Anyway, she told me
that my courtesy to others tonight could result in substantial wealth.
And, I'm telling you, tonight I'm taking no chances.
What, you're not even going to insult anybody?
Well, not unless I can do it so subtly
that he doesn't know he's been insulted.
No, tonight the bigger jackass the guy is,
the more courteous I am going to be.
I'll start with Numero uno.
Now, I do hope you'll allow me
the incredible privilege of serving you a beer, Mr. Clavin.
You're in early tonight, Frasier.
Yes. I'm meeting a former colleague,
Dr. Lawrence Crandell, for a pre-dinner drink.
He's in town on a book tour.
Oh, yeah? He's a writer, huh?
I should say so. He's written a raging bestseller.
You know, if I weren't so thoroughly happy in my own life,
I might even stoop to being just a bit envious
of a former colleague who's now so wildly successful.
Well, that is if you measure success
by dollars and cents and popularity, personal fame.
I'm happy for him.
- What's the book about? - Who gives a damn?
Sorry. It's a marriage manual.
It's entitled
The Forever Couple: The Joy of Loving One Person For the Rest of Your Life.
Ah, science fiction. Those usually sell great.
But, you know, success does have its price tag.
He's been away from his wife Valerie for the better part of a year.
Jeez, I think I'd go crazy
if I was away from Lilith for that long.
I don't even like to think about it.
I'll bet.
Well, I do think about it.
- I don't enjoy it. - Sure not.
Well, I do enjoy it.
I'm not proud of the fact.
Frasier.
Larry, good to see you again.
Good to see you.
Have I told you how thrilled I am about the success of your book?
- Yes, you have. - It's a fabulous book.
You know, I was just thinking what a wonderful gift it would make.
Have you read it?
Well, no. I was hoping someone might give it to me.
Let me get you a drink.
Well, thanks. Black & White, neat.
Ah, Lawrence, this is Rebecca Howe,
this is Lawrence Crandell.
- How do you do? - Pleased to meet you.
And this is Sam Malone.
Oh, not the Sam Malone.
You're a hell of a pitcher. I saw you strike out Reggie Jackson.
Made him look like a fool.
Hardly blame him for knocking you off the mound
the next time up with that line drive.
So, Frasier told me
that you've been baching it a long time.
Must be pretty rough, huh?
Say, why didn't you just bring Valerie with you?
Well, you know, she hates to travel.
Besides, we decided this was a perfect opportunity
to test my theories about marital fidelity.
And I'm glad to say after ten months of celibacy,
I can now pronounce my principles sound.
After ten months of celibacy, I couldn't even pronounce my name.
I make it a point to tell my wife at least once a day,
"You're my world, you're my life. I love you."
I bet my wife would love to hear those words.
Could you give her a call?
So, the book's doing pretty good, huh?
Yes, it has been received rather well.
In fact, this last review is so embarrassingly good,
I should just wad it up and throw it away,
but I need several hundred copies first.
Is there a photocopying machine around here?
Yeah, Rebecca's got one in her office.
- You don't mind, do you? - No, help yourself.
That's very kind of you. Any special instructions?
Yes. Just push the blue button. It's right under the sign that says,
"This machine is for photocopying documents,
not your butt."
- All set? - Thanks again.
You're welcome.
Miss Howe, may I ask you something?
Sure.
I hope you won't take this the wrong way,
but my field is human sexual dynamics,
and just now I had the strangest impression,
please tell me if I'm wrong,
that something happened when you and I were introduced.
I sensed some spark, some flicker of response on your part.
Very subtle, but unmistakable.
Was I imagining that?
I think so.
Well, my mistake.
- I'm sure you understand. - Of course.
You are aware I wasn't being judgmental.
Of course.
It's the response itself that interested me,
purely as a scientist.
And you are quite sure that on some very basic level
you didn't experience an undeniable attraction?
Positive.
Well, I'm glad we cleared that up.
Still, I can't keep wondering...
...whether your subconscious
may not be trying to tell us something.
I swear to you...
When I hear such facile denial,
it always sets off a little alarm in my head.
Dr. Crandell...
Call me Lawrence.
Let me make this as clear as I know how.
There was no attraction when we met or since.
I felt nothing.
I feel nothing.
Zero. Nada. Zip.
Zip.
Interesting unconscious choice of words.
Try this word...
out!
All right. Sorry.
Man!
I give up!
You make me crazy with desire and I can't keep my hands off you!
What do you want?
Sign these invoices, and then, be gentle.
Why don't you sit over there, Walter?
Do you suppose I might trouble you for two brandies, Miss Howe?
Ask the bartender.
Of course we can help you.
Woody, pour Dr. Crandell a couple of our house brand.
Two house brands on the house.
That's very kind of you, Sam.
One seldom gets to sample a good Nigerian cognac.
Weren't you kind of rude to Dr. Crandell?
Was I? Sorry.
Well, what did he ever do to you?
I don't know. Nothing. Never mind.
Your hostility was unmistakable.
All right.
The man came on to me in my office.
Dr. Crandell came on to you?
What did he do? Did he touch you?
No, he did not touch me.
Make an indecent proposal?
- Of course not. - Comment on your looks?
Ask you for a date? Whistle? Flash? What?
He asked about my feelings.
The man should be horsewhipped.
Of course he asked about your feelings.
It's his field. The man is an analyst.
He's written volumes on human sexual attraction.
So, then what happened?
I'll tell you what happened, Mr. Smarty-Pantses.
He thanked me politely and he left.
Oh, that doesn't seem so terrible, does it?
Rebecca, I assure you,
you must have misunderstood his intentions.
He's in love with his wife.
They're the most happily-married couple I know.
Gee, I guess I could have been wrong.
What if he was just being psychological or something?
- I should apologize to him, huh? - I guess you should.
We'll be in touch.
Dr. Crandell, may I speak with you a moment?
What for?
Oh, I want to apologize to you
for having that conversation and me getting a little bit upset.
I hope you don't think me rude.
Oh, of course not.
You answered my questions honestly
in the spirit in which they were asked,
so that's an end to that.
Oh, thank you.
That's all right. You meet someone.
You find him unattractive, even repulsive, it happens.
- Well, I don't think you're repulsive. - No, please.
Don't think you have to worry about my feelings.
I think you're an attractive man.
Really? That's very flattering.
As a matter of fact, I'm really quite awkward
and uncomfortable around women.
As a matter of fact, the very idea of my propositioning you
or having an opening line, doing something so blatant as...
Rubbing your foot along my leg?
Exactly.
You're doing that right now.
Oh, goodness. Was that you?
I'm sorry. I thought it was a table leg,
a supple, quivering table leg that goes on forever.
Just a natural mistake.
You're still doing it.
You have a hole in your sock.
Like it?
Dr. Crandell, I want you to keep your foot where it belongs!
Cheers.
Dr. Crandell. Telephone. It's Mrs. Dr. Crandell.
Thank you.
I left the number here.
Hello, honey.
My darling, my reason for living.
Oh, that slimeball hypocrite.
What?
That tears it.
You...
- What was that about? - He toed my calf.
- He what? - Excuse me?
He was rubbing his foot on my leg.
Perhaps he was just trying to cross his legs.
He accidentally bumped into you.
What do you think I am? A nitwit?
I am telling you that your distinguished,
happily-married friend was coming on to me.
- Oh, please. - He was!
Do you realize that you're impugning the reputation of the man
that literally wrote the book on fidelity in marriage?
You've insulted him, and, frankly, you've insulted me.
You know, I see what's going on here.
You know, you just projected your frustrations
onto somebody else because it's been too long
since you had your tires rotated.
And I am telling you that he is a lying,
hypocritical sleaze who needs to be neutered.
Excuse me, Frasier.
I think I better be moving along.
Somehow I've antagonized Miss Howe.
Rather than provoke any further embarrassment,
I think it's best to simply remove my offending personality.
Oh, Larry, must you?
No, Dr. Crandell, please...
See, you got to understand something about Rebecca here.
She's had a very difficult past few... life.
I've sensed some emotional problems there.
Oh, it's a pity.
The nerve of that man saying I have an emotional problem.
I'd like to meet him in a dark alley with a cleaver!
- Thank you, sir. - No "sirs."
While we're together, you're not a chambermaid
and I'm not a guest in a hotel.
We're just two vibrant human beings
ready to snatch a moment's pleasure.
I like the way you talk.
Boy, I've never been in one of these rooms
without my vacuum cleaner running.
It's so...
...quiet.
It is peaceful, isn't it?
Oh, yeah. But you know what's really amazing about this?
I didn't even realize myself that I was attracted to you
until you told me you sensed it.
Well, human behavior's pretty much an open book to me.
There's nothing I haven't seen or read or been told about
or seen pictures of...
or short films...
Well, bottoms up.
Oh, yes. Oh, God, yes.
Oh, no. If they find me in here, I'll get fired.
Oh, nonsense. I'll get rid of them.
Hi. It's Miss Howe. May I come in?
Ordinarily, I'd say yes,
but, you see, I'm expecting a colleague any minute,
so, you see, it's really not convenient.
I was just thinking about something you said,
and I wanted to clarify that.
Terrific. We'll have lunch tomorrow and clarify away.
That's a great idea,
but you know, I have been through
so much stress and so much anxiety over this,
that I have a terrible, splitting headache.
- Do you have any aspirin? - Aspirin?
Yes. if you give me an aspirin,
I think it will get rid of my headache,
and then I can leave you in peace.
Right. Aspirin. I'll try to find you some.
Get in there.
Stupidest thing I've ever done.
You do nine stupid things before breakfast.
Now, get in that closet.
No, wait. When he admits that he came on to me,
I want you to leap out and catch him in the act,
and then we'll prove once and for all
that he is a lech and I am not cuckoo.
Yeah, one thing at a time, Rebecca.
Two aspirin coming up!
Two tablets... buffered.
I hope they go down well.
Bye-bye.
Dr. Crandell.
It's not really why I'm here.
- It's not. - No.
Now, I know you came on to me,
and you know you came on to me,
but I'm not leaving here
until you admit it.
All right, I admit it.
I came on to you. Good night.
I didn't quite hear that.
Oh, for God's sake. Good night.
Please, if you could just say it a little bit louder and a little clearer
so that I know there's no mistaking it.
All right, if that will make you happy.
I came on to you! I came on to you!
You know, I'm beginning to regret it.
Good night, Miss Howe.
You... Sam!
Would you get the hell out of there?
Sam?
Whoa, boy.
These luxury hotels have great closets.
Did you hear what he just said?
No. I'm sorry.
I sort of had something in my ear.
You had a woman in here.
As long as we got that established,
if you need me again, I'll be back by the shoe rack.
Sam!
Remember our mission?
Now, listen to me.
This proves that I am not crazy.
This proves that he is just a lech.
I can explain. Miss Johnson is my executive secretary.
We have a great deal of dictation to get out.
Now, if you'll excuse us...
You sent for a violinist.
A violinist to do your dictation?
Come on.
Now at least for God's sake have the decency to come clean
and tell Sam the truth.
All right. I admit it is true.
I've been a very lonely man.
I thought this trip would put my convictions to the test,
but I'm afraid I came up lacking.
I'm sorry if I caused you any pain, Miss Howe.
Well, at least you finally admitted it.
Yes. I'm glad the truth is out.
At last. No more lying.
No more deceit.
Lawrence, guess who?
It's my wife. Hide.
I'm not going in a closet.
Oh, come on. You'll enjoy it. I'll show you around.
Please. Please, you must.
My career is at stake. So is my marriage.
I've been faithful to this woman for 15 years,
mostly because she's the scariest bitch
you'd ever want to meet.
Lawrence, are you all right?
I am doing this for your wife, buster.
Rebecca, I want you to meet Maria.
Maria, Rebecca.
- What's your name? - Zoltan.
Lawrence?
Yes. Coming.
Oh, Valerie, darling.
What an enormous surprise.
What took you so long to answer the door?
Well, it's this plush carpet. I caught my little toe.
What brings you here?
Well, when I spoke to you on the phone
and I heard the hunger in that voice,
I couldn't bear to be separated from you one more minute.
- Champagne, Lawrence? - Oh, yes.
They bring it up every night. It's a fabulous hotel.
- Let's go get something to eat. - You're not dressed.
Well, we'll go someplace casual.
Well, at least put on a coat. It's cool out.
I'll buy one on the way. Shall we?
Lawrence, put on a coat.
Right. Anything you say, dear.
I'll just...
Go to the closet all by myself
Get my coat all by myself
I've never seen you in that coat.
Well, I just bought it. If you don't like it, back it goes.
No, Lawrence. Put it on.
Put it on now.
Oh, that tailor.
Well, I'm stopping the payment on that check.
Oh, I'm famished. Let's go.
Whoever is in that closet, come out this instant.
All right. I want an explanation, and I want it right this minute.
Otherwise, I am going to divorce him.
I am going to take his money,
and I am going to take his reputation and his career,
and after that, I am going to do the same
for each and every one of you, and believe me, I can do it.
So who is going to come forth with an explanation?
We...
We're all here to change the light bulb.
God!
Mrs. Crandell, I'm going to tell you the truth
because I feel that this has gone on too long.
And as usual, I have to be the voice of reason.
Forgive me for saying this,
but if I were in your shoes, I would want to know.
Your husband came on to me in a local bar.
You mean he propositioned you?
Well, he didn't exactly proposition me.
Well, what exactly did he do?
He asked me about my feelings.
That is his field, you know.
That isn't all he did.
He rubbed my leg with his disgusting foot.
She never gets tired of telling this.
Yes. Yes, I admit it.
I accidentally brushed up against her leg with my foot.
I apologized profusely.
He did not have his shoe on.
It was hot in there.
Would you believe the humiliation?
A hole in my $50 hosiery.
Why, you filthy...
Okay, fine. Fine.
There is a chambermaid in the room. Explain it.
A chambermaid in a hotel. Will wonders never cease?
You know, actually, we're going to be running along.
No, we're not going to be running along.
All right.
How about the fiddler, huh?
I was lonely.
I was going to have him play our song all night.
All right.
So have your loving husband explain why the four of us
were in that closet.
You were there.
You mean don't you know?
Yes, I know.
Because you are the scariest bitch
we would ever want to meet.
And you are a little tramp.
Tramp?
I ought to punch you one.
I ought to kill your husband!
I'm going to kill him! I'm going to kill you!
He's stupid, and he's a fraud!
He's a psycho!
I'm going to hunt you down and kill you like a dog.
And why don't you get yourself some new socks, buster?
I can explain everything here.
She just wanted to convince me that she's not crazy.