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Cheers <i>is filmed
before a live studio audience.</i>

2
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Good evening, Mr. Clavin.
How lovely to see you again.

3
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It's a trick, isn't it?
You're going to hurt me.

4
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Yeah, what's the story here, Carla?

5
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You've been acting
very strange all evening.

6
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Why? What did I do?

7
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Well, for example,
you've poured me three beers

8
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without once flicking
the foam on my nose.

9
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You haven't even spit on anybody.

10
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What is it, honey?
Trouble at home?

11
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All right. I'm going
to tell you guys.

12
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I went to see Madame Lazora
this morning.

13
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- Your fortune teller?
- Palmist.

14
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Anyway, she told me

15
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that my courtesy to others tonight
could result in substantial wealth.

16
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And, I'm telling you,
tonight I'm taking no chances.

17
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What, you're not even
going to insult anybody?

18
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Well, not unless
I can do it so subtly

19
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that he doesn't know
he's been insulted.

20
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No, tonight the bigger
jackass the guy is,

21
00:00:56,473 --> 00:00:58,350
the more courteous
I am going to be.

22
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I'll start with <i>Numero uno.</i>

23
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Now, I do hope you'll allow me

24
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the incredible privilege
of serving you a beer, Mr. Clavin.

25
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You're in early tonight, Frasier.

26
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Yes. I'm meeting
a former colleague,

27
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Dr. Lawrence Crandell,
for a pre-dinner drink.

28
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He's in town on a book tour.

29
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Oh, yeah? He's a writer, huh?

30
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I should say so.
He's written a raging bestseller.

31
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You know, if I weren't
so thoroughly happy in my own life,

32
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I might even stoop
to being just a bit envious

33
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,882
of a former colleague
who's now so wildly successful.

34
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Well, that is if you measure success

35
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by dollars and cents
and popularity, personal fame.

36
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I'm happy for him.

37
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- What's the book about?
- Who gives a damn?

38
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Sorry. It's a marriage manual.

39
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It's entitled

40
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:30,984
<i>The Forever Couple: The Joy of Loving
One Person For the Rest of Your Life.</i>

41
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Ah, science fiction.
Those usually sell great.

42
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But, you know,
success does have its price tag.

43
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He's been away from his wife Valerie
for the better part of a year.

44
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Jeez, I think I'd go crazy

45
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if I was away
from Lilith for that long.

46
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I don't even like to think about it.

47
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I'll bet.

48
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Well, I do think about it.

49
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- I don't enjoy it.
- Sure not.

50
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Well, I do enjoy it.

51
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I'm not proud of the fact.

52
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Frasier.

53
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Larry, good to see you again.

54
00:03:01,223 --> 00:03:02,140
Good to see you.

55
00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,726
Have I told you how thrilled I am
about the success of your book?

56
00:03:04,893 --> 00:03:06,311
- Yes, you have.
- It's a fabulous book.

57
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You know, I was just thinking
what a wonderful gift it would make.

58
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Have you read it?

59
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:11,733
Well, no. I was hoping
someone might give it to me.

60
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Let me get you a drink.

61
00:03:13,985 --> 00:03:15,696
Well, thanks.
Black & White, neat.

62
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Ah, Lawrence,
this is Rebecca Howe,

63
00:03:19,116 --> 00:03:19,991
this is Lawrence Crandell.

64
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- How do you do?
- Pleased to meet you.

65
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And this is Sam Malone.

66
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Oh, not the Sam Malone.

67
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:29,042
You're a hell of a pitcher.
I saw you strike out Reggie Jackson.

68
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Made him look like a fool.

69
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Hardly blame him
for knocking you off the mound

70
00:03:33,505 --> 00:03:35,507
the next time up
with that line drive.

71
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So, Frasier told me

72
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that you've been baching it
a long time.

73
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Must be pretty rough, huh?

74
00:03:42,013 --> 00:03:43,557
Say, why didn't you
just bring Valerie with you?

75
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Well, you know,
she hates to travel.

76
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Besides, we decided this was
a perfect opportunity

77
00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:51,231
to test my theories
about marital fidelity.

78
00:03:51,398 --> 00:03:54,443
And I'm glad to say
after ten months of celibacy,

79
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I can now pronounce
my principles sound.

80
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After ten months of celibacy,
I couldn't even pronounce my name.

81
00:04:04,619 --> 00:04:07,873
I make it a point to tell my wife
at least once a day,

82
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"You're my world,
you're my life. I love you."

83
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I bet my wife would love
to hear those words.

84
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Could you give her a call?

85
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,219
So, the book's
doing pretty good, huh?

86
00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:22,596
Yes, it has been received rather well.

87
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:25,432
In fact, this last review is
so embarrassingly good,

88
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I should just wad it up
and throw it away,

89
00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,854
but I need several
hundred copies first.

90
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:32,773
Is there a photocopying machine
around here?

91
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,858
Yeah, Rebecca's
got one in her office.

92
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- You don't mind, do you?
- No, help yourself.

93
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That's very kind of you.
Any special instructions?

94
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Yes. Just push the blue button.
It's right under the sign that says,

95
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:44,159
"This machine is
for photocopying documents,

96
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not your butt."

97
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- All set?
- Thanks again.

98
00:04:56,588 --> 00:04:57,631
You're welcome.

99
00:05:00,467 --> 00:05:02,052
Miss Howe, may I ask you something?

100
00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:03,428
Sure.

101
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I hope you won't take this
the wrong way,

102
00:05:05,388 --> 00:05:08,850
but my field is
human sexual dynamics,

103
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and just now I had
the strangest impression,

104
00:05:12,479 --> 00:05:14,731
please tell me if I'm wrong,

105
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:17,859
that something happened
when you and I were introduced.

106
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I sensed some spark, some flicker
of response on your part.

107
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Very subtle, but unmistakable.

108
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Was I imagining that?

109
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I think so.

110
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Well, my mistake.

111
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- I'm sure you understand.
- Of course.

112
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You are aware
I wasn't being judgmental.

113
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Of course.

114
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It's the response itself
that interested me,

115
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:46,221
purely as a scientist.

116
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And you are quite sure
that on some very basic level

117
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you didn't experience
an undeniable attraction?

118
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Positive.

119
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Well, I'm glad
we cleared that up.

120
00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,824
Still, I can't keep wondering...

121
00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:08,493
...whether your subconscious

122
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may not be trying
to tell us something.

123
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I swear to you...

124
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When I hear such facile denial,

125
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,209
it always sets off
a little alarm in my head.

126
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:17,210
Dr. Crandell...

127
00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:18,795
Call me Lawrence.

128
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Let me make this
as clear as I know how.

129
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There was no attraction
when we met or since.

130
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I felt nothing.

131
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I feel nothing.

132
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Zero. <i>Nada.</i> Zip.

133
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Zip.

134
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Interesting unconscious
choice of words.

135
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Try this word...

136
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:44,946
out!

137
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All right. Sorry.

138
00:06:48,491 --> 00:06:49,534
Man!

139
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I give up!

140
00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:57,709
You make me crazy with desire
and I can't keep my hands off you!

141
00:06:57,876 --> 00:06:59,002
What do you want?

142
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Sign these invoices,
and then, be gentle.

143
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Why don't you sit over there, Walter?

144
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Do you suppose I might trouble you
for two brandies, Miss Howe?

145
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Ask the bartender.

146
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Of course we can help you.

147
00:07:26,237 --> 00:07:29,950
Woody, pour Dr. Crandell
a couple of our house brand.

148
00:07:30,617 --> 00:07:32,577
Two house brands on the house.

149
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:34,871
That's very kind of you, Sam.

150
00:07:35,038 --> 00:07:38,792
One seldom gets to sample
a good Nigerian cognac.

151
00:07:41,461 --> 00:07:43,797
Weren't you kind of rude
to Dr. Crandell?

152
00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,632
Was I? Sorry.

153
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:47,884
Well, what did he ever do to you?

154
00:07:48,051 --> 00:07:50,845
I don't know. Nothing. Never mind.

155
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Your hostility was unmistakable.

156
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All right.

157
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The man came on to me in my office.

158
00:08:01,731 --> 00:08:03,942
Dr. Crandell came on to you?

159
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:06,861
What did he do?
Did he touch you?

160
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:09,239
No, he did not touch me.

161
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:10,615
Make an indecent proposal?

162
00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,575
- Of course not.
- Comment on your looks?

163
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:15,745
Ask you for a date?
Whistle? Flash? What?

164
00:08:18,331 --> 00:08:21,292
He asked about my feelings.

165
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The man should be horsewhipped.

166
00:08:26,339 --> 00:08:28,591
Of course he asked
about your feelings.

167
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:30,927
It's his field.
The man is an analyst.

168
00:08:31,094 --> 00:08:33,722
He's written volumes
on human sexual attraction.

169
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,890
So, then what happened?

170
00:08:36,057 --> 00:08:38,435
I'll tell you what happened,
Mr. Smarty-Pantses.

171
00:08:41,938 --> 00:08:45,984
He thanked me politely and he left.

172
00:08:46,985 --> 00:08:49,154
Oh, that doesn't seem
so terrible, does it?

173
00:08:49,320 --> 00:08:50,447
Rebecca, I assure you,

174
00:08:50,613 --> 00:08:52,615
you must have misunderstood
his intentions.

175
00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,159
He's in love with his wife.

176
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,119
They're the most
happily-married couple I know.

177
00:08:56,911 --> 00:08:58,872
Gee, I guess I could
have been wrong.

178
00:08:59,039 --> 00:09:01,166
What if he was just
being psychological or something?

179
00:09:02,459 --> 00:09:04,878
- I should apologize to him, huh?
- I guess you should.

180
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,672
We'll be in touch.

181
00:09:07,839 --> 00:09:11,217
Dr. Crandell, may I speak
with you a moment?

182
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:12,302
What for?

183
00:09:12,469 --> 00:09:16,181
Oh, I want to apologize to you

184
00:09:16,723 --> 00:09:19,976
for having that conversation
and me getting a little bit upset.

185
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:21,853
I hope you don't think me rude.

186
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,229
Oh, of course not.

187
00:09:23,396 --> 00:09:24,981
You answered my questions honestly

188
00:09:25,148 --> 00:09:27,233
in the spirit in which
they were asked,

189
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,526
so that's an end to that.

190
00:09:28,693 --> 00:09:30,195
Oh, thank you.

191
00:09:30,361 --> 00:09:32,363
That's all right.
You meet someone.

192
00:09:32,530 --> 00:09:36,326
You find him unattractive,
even repulsive, it happens.

193
00:09:38,369 --> 00:09:40,622
- Well, I don't think you're repulsive.
- No, please.

194
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:43,625
Don't think you have to worry
about my feelings.

195
00:09:43,792 --> 00:09:45,210
I think you're an attractive man.

196
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,378
Really? That's very flattering.

197
00:09:50,632 --> 00:09:52,509
As a matter of fact,
I'm really quite awkward

198
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:54,260
and uncomfortable around women.

199
00:09:54,427 --> 00:09:58,056
As a matter of fact, the very idea
of my propositioning you

200
00:09:58,223 --> 00:10:01,726
or having an opening line,
doing something so blatant as...

201
00:10:01,893 --> 00:10:03,353
Rubbing your foot along my leg?

202
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,687
Exactly.

203
00:10:04,854 --> 00:10:06,147
You're doing that right now.

204
00:10:07,190 --> 00:10:09,567
Oh, goodness. Was that you?

205
00:10:09,734 --> 00:10:12,654
I'm sorry. I thought
it was a table leg,

206
00:10:13,738 --> 00:10:17,075
a supple, quivering table leg
that goes on forever.

207
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:20,912
Just a natural mistake.

208
00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:23,164
You're still doing it.

209
00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,750
You have a hole in your sock.

210
00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:27,919
Like it?

211
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:39,472
Dr. Crandell, I want you
to keep your foot where it belongs!

212
00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:42,892
Cheers.

213
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:48,231
Dr. Crandell. Telephone.
It's Mrs. Dr. Crandell.

214
00:10:48,898 --> 00:10:49,816
Thank you.

215
00:10:50,567 --> 00:10:52,277
I left the number here.

216
00:10:52,443 --> 00:10:53,611
Hello, honey.

217
00:10:53,778 --> 00:10:56,197
My darling, my reason for living.

218
00:10:56,364 --> 00:10:58,616
Oh, that slimeball hypocrite.

219
00:10:58,783 --> 00:10:59,784
What?

220
00:11:00,660 --> 00:11:01,744
That tears it.

221
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:03,413
You...

222
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:09,169
- What was that about?
- He toed my calf.

223
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:12,088
- He what?
- Excuse me?

224
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:14,757
He was rubbing
his foot on my leg.

225
00:11:14,924 --> 00:11:16,176
Perhaps he was
just trying to cross his legs.

226
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,427
He accidentally bumped into you.

227
00:11:17,594 --> 00:11:18,845
What do you think I am? A nitwit?

228
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:21,472
I am telling you
that your distinguished,

229
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,933
happily-married friend
was coming on to me.

230
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,768
- Oh, please.
- He was!

231
00:11:25,935 --> 00:11:27,729
Do you realize that you're impugning
the reputation of the man

232
00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:30,023
that literally wrote the book
on fidelity in marriage?

233
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,192
You've insulted him, and,
frankly, you've insulted me.

234
00:11:32,358 --> 00:11:33,693
You know, I see
what's going on here.

235
00:11:33,860 --> 00:11:35,653
You know, you just projected
your frustrations

236
00:11:35,820 --> 00:11:37,614
onto somebody else
because it's been too long

237
00:11:37,780 --> 00:11:39,365
since you had your tires rotated.

238
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,873
And I am telling you
that he is a lying,

239
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:50,376
hypocritical sleaze
who needs to be neutered.

240
00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,836
Excuse me, Frasier.

241
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:54,672
I think I better be moving along.

242
00:11:54,839 --> 00:11:57,425
Somehow I've antagonized Miss Howe.

243
00:11:57,592 --> 00:11:59,469
Rather than provoke
any further embarrassment,

244
00:11:59,636 --> 00:12:01,930
I think it's best to simply remove
my offending personality.

245
00:12:02,096 --> 00:12:03,056
Oh, Larry, must you?

246
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:05,558
No, Dr. Crandell, please...

247
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,518
See, you got to understand
something about Rebecca here.

248
00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:11,481
She's had a very difficult
past few... life.

249
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:16,277
I've sensed
some emotional problems there.

250
00:12:16,444 --> 00:12:17,570
Oh, it's a pity.

251
00:12:19,989 --> 00:12:24,535
The nerve of that man saying
I have an emotional problem.

252
00:12:24,702 --> 00:12:27,830
I'd like to meet him
in a dark alley with a cleaver!

253
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:39,133
- Thank you, sir.
- No "sirs."

254
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,427
While we're together,
you're not a chambermaid

255
00:12:41,594 --> 00:12:43,805
and I'm not a guest in a hotel.

256
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:48,393
We're just two vibrant human beings

257
00:12:48,559 --> 00:12:50,645
ready to snatch
a moment's pleasure.

258
00:12:51,729 --> 00:12:53,314
I like the way you talk.

259
00:12:54,524 --> 00:12:57,110
Boy, I've never been
in one of these rooms

260
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:59,112
without my vacuum cleaner running.

261
00:13:00,530 --> 00:13:01,698
It's so...

262
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:04,242
...quiet.

263
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,452
It is peaceful, isn't it?

264
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:09,706
Oh, yeah. But you know
what's really amazing about this?

265
00:13:09,872 --> 00:13:14,127
I didn't even realize myself
that I was attracted to you

266
00:13:14,294 --> 00:13:17,213
until you told me you sensed it.

267
00:13:18,715 --> 00:13:22,218
Well, human behavior's
pretty much an open book to me.

268
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:27,557
There's nothing I haven't seen
or read or been told about

269
00:13:27,724 --> 00:13:29,851
or seen pictures of...

270
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:32,937
or short films...

271
00:13:36,566 --> 00:13:38,776
Well, bottoms up.

272
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,570
Oh, yes. Oh, God, yes.

273
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,244
Oh, no. If they find
me in here, I'll get fired.

274
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:50,079
Oh, nonsense.
I'll get rid of them.

275
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:57,920
Hi. It's Miss Howe.
May I come in?

276
00:13:58,087 --> 00:13:59,380
Ordinarily, I'd say yes,

277
00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:01,007
but, you see, I'm expecting
a colleague any minute,

278
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,717
so, you see,
it's really not convenient.

279
00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:04,302
I was just thinking
about something you said,

280
00:14:04,469 --> 00:14:06,346
and I wanted to clarify that.

281
00:14:06,512 --> 00:14:08,473
Terrific. We'll have lunch
tomorrow and clarify away.

282
00:14:08,639 --> 00:14:09,557
That's a great idea,

283
00:14:09,724 --> 00:14:10,808
but you know,
I have been through

284
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:13,144
so much stress
and so much anxiety over this,

285
00:14:13,311 --> 00:14:15,146
that I have a terrible,
splitting headache.

286
00:14:15,313 --> 00:14:16,981
- Do you have any aspirin?
- Aspirin?

287
00:14:17,148 --> 00:14:18,399
Yes. if you give me an aspirin,

288
00:14:18,566 --> 00:14:19,734
I think it will get rid
of my headache,

289
00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:21,110
and then I can
leave you in peace.

290
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,030
Right. Aspirin.
I'll try to find you some.

291
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:30,661
Get in there.

292
00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,705
Stupidest thing I've ever done.

293
00:14:34,832 --> 00:14:37,627
You do nine stupid things
before breakfast.

294
00:14:38,169 --> 00:14:40,046
Now, get in that closet.

295
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:43,299
No, wait. When he admits
that he came on to me,

296
00:14:43,466 --> 00:14:46,260
I want you to leap out
and catch him in the act,

297
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,471
and then we'll prove
once and for all

298
00:14:48,638 --> 00:14:51,307
that he is a lech
and I am not cuckoo.

299
00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,726
Yeah, one thing
at a time, Rebecca.

300
00:14:54,811 --> 00:14:56,187
Two aspirin coming up!

301
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:00,650
Two tablets... buffered.

302
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,694
I hope they go down well.

303
00:15:03,861 --> 00:15:04,737
Bye-bye.

304
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,658
Dr. Crandell.

305
00:15:08,825 --> 00:15:10,827
It's not really why I'm here.

306
00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,662
- It's not.
- No.

307
00:15:13,621 --> 00:15:17,667
Now, I know
you came on to me,

308
00:15:17,834 --> 00:15:20,294
and you know
you came on to me,

309
00:15:20,461 --> 00:15:21,712
but I'm not leaving here

310
00:15:21,879 --> 00:15:24,048
until you admit it.

311
00:15:24,799 --> 00:15:26,175
All right, I admit it.

312
00:15:26,342 --> 00:15:28,177
I came on to you.
Good night.

313
00:15:38,479 --> 00:15:40,273
I didn't quite hear that.

314
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,400
Oh, for God's sake.
Good night.

315
00:15:43,443 --> 00:15:47,071
Please, if you could just say it
a little bit louder and a little clearer

316
00:15:47,238 --> 00:15:49,407
so that I know
there's no mistaking it.

317
00:15:49,574 --> 00:15:50,867
All right, if that
will make you happy.

318
00:15:51,033 --> 00:15:53,995
I came on to you!
I came on to you!

319
00:15:54,162 --> 00:15:55,788
You know,
I'm beginning to regret it.

320
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,250
Good night, Miss Howe.

321
00:15:59,417 --> 00:16:01,461
You... Sam!

322
00:16:02,128 --> 00:16:03,754
Would you get
the hell out of there?

323
00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:04,797
Sam?

324
00:16:05,965 --> 00:16:07,383
Whoa, boy.

325
00:16:07,550 --> 00:16:10,011
These luxury hotels
have great closets.

326
00:16:15,516 --> 00:16:17,602
Did you hear what he just said?

327
00:16:17,768 --> 00:16:19,270
No. I'm sorry.

328
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,189
I sort of had
something in my ear.

329
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:29,572
You had a woman in here.

330
00:16:30,781 --> 00:16:31,699
As long as we got
that established,

331
00:16:31,866 --> 00:16:34,285
if you need me again,
I'll be back by the shoe rack.

332
00:16:34,452 --> 00:16:35,453
Sam!

333
00:16:36,871 --> 00:16:38,122
Remember our mission?

334
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:40,541
Now, listen to me.

335
00:16:40,708 --> 00:16:43,044
This proves that I am not crazy.

336
00:16:43,211 --> 00:16:44,921
This proves that he is just a lech.

337
00:16:45,087 --> 00:16:48,841
I can explain. Miss Johnson is
my executive secretary.

338
00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:51,385
We have a great deal
of dictation to get out.

339
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:52,929
Now, if you'll excuse us...

340
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:55,389
You sent for a violinist.

341
00:16:58,518 --> 00:17:00,770
A violinist to do your dictation?

342
00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,313
Come on.

343
00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:06,692
Now at least for God's sake
have the decency to come clean

344
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,903
and tell Sam the truth.

345
00:17:10,071 --> 00:17:12,823
All right. I admit it is true.

346
00:17:13,741 --> 00:17:15,243
I've been a very lonely man.

347
00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:17,870
I thought this trip would put
my convictions to the test,

348
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:21,082
but I'm afraid I came up lacking.

349
00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:24,418
I'm sorry if I caused you
any pain, Miss Howe.

350
00:17:25,461 --> 00:17:27,129
Well, at least
you finally admitted it.

351
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,298
Yes. I'm glad the truth is out.

352
00:17:29,465 --> 00:17:31,259
At last. No more lying.

353
00:17:31,425 --> 00:17:33,094
No more deceit.

354
00:17:34,679 --> 00:17:36,514
Lawrence, guess who?

355
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:39,767
It's my wife. Hide.

356
00:17:41,936 --> 00:17:43,646
I'm not going in a closet.

357
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:46,315
Oh, come on. You'll enjoy it.
I'll show you around.

358
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,485
Please. Please, you must.

359
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:52,029
My career is at stake.
So is my marriage.

360
00:17:52,196 --> 00:17:54,574
I've been faithful
to this woman for 15 years,

361
00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,117
mostly because she's
the scariest bitch

362
00:17:56,284 --> 00:17:57,410
you'd ever want to meet.

363
00:18:00,162 --> 00:18:01,914
Lawrence, are you all right?

364
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:04,959
I am doing this
for your wife, buster.

365
00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,877
Rebecca, I want you to meet Maria.

366
00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:08,337
Maria, Rebecca.

367
00:18:08,504 --> 00:18:10,256
- What's your name?
- Zoltan.

368
00:18:11,299 --> 00:18:12,091
Lawrence?

369
00:18:12,258 --> 00:18:13,718
Yes. Coming.

370
00:18:14,885 --> 00:18:16,596
Oh, Valerie, darling.

371
00:18:16,762 --> 00:18:18,431
What an enormous surprise.

372
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:20,224
What took you so long
to answer the door?

373
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:22,852
Well, it's this plush carpet.
I caught my little toe.

374
00:18:23,811 --> 00:18:24,812
What brings you here?

375
00:18:24,979 --> 00:18:26,397
Well, when I spoke
to you on the phone

376
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:28,566
and I heard the hunger
in that voice,

377
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:32,653
I couldn't bear to be separated
from you one more minute.

378
00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:36,032
- Champagne, Lawrence?
- Oh, yes.

379
00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:39,619
They bring it up every night.
It's a fabulous hotel.

380
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,830
- Let's go get something to eat.
- You're not dressed.

381
00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:44,332
Well, we'll go someplace casual.

382
00:18:44,498 --> 00:18:46,375
Well, at least put on a coat.
It's cool out.

383
00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:48,919
I'll buy one on the way. Shall we?

384
00:18:49,086 --> 00:18:51,088
Lawrence, put on a coat.

385
00:18:51,255 --> 00:18:53,382
Right. Anything you say, dear.

386
00:18:53,549 --> 00:18:54,550
I'll just...

387
00:18:54,717 --> 00:18:57,762
<i>Go to the closet all by myself</i>

388
00:18:59,430 --> 00:19:02,183
<i>Get my coat all by myself</i>

389
00:19:05,603 --> 00:19:07,563
I've never seen you in that coat.

390
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:11,442
Well, I just bought it.
If you don't like it, back it goes.

391
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,319
No, Lawrence. Put it on.

392
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:14,820
Put it on now.

393
00:19:20,868 --> 00:19:22,662
Oh, that tailor.

394
00:19:22,828 --> 00:19:25,790
Well, I'm stopping
the payment on that check.

395
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:31,962
Oh, I'm famished. Let's go.

396
00:19:32,129 --> 00:19:34,840
Whoever is in that closet,
come out this instant.

397
00:19:50,856 --> 00:19:55,486
All right. I want an explanation,
and I want it right this minute.

398
00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,446
Otherwise, I am going
to divorce him.

399
00:19:57,613 --> 00:19:59,156
I am going to take his money,

400
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:01,992
and I am going to take
his reputation and his career,

401
00:20:02,159 --> 00:20:04,078
and after that, I am going
to do the same

402
00:20:04,245 --> 00:20:09,375
for each and every one of you,
and believe me, I can do it.

403
00:20:10,668 --> 00:20:14,547
So who is going to come forth
with an explanation?

404
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:21,971
We...

405
00:20:22,138 --> 00:20:24,682
We're all here
to change the light bulb.

406
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:27,518
God!

407
00:20:27,685 --> 00:20:29,937
Mrs. Crandell, I'm going
to tell you the truth

408
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:31,981
because I feel that this
has gone on too long.

409
00:20:32,815 --> 00:20:36,610
And as usual, I have to be
the voice of reason.

410
00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:41,782
Forgive me for saying this,

411
00:20:41,949 --> 00:20:44,243
but if I were in your shoes,
I would want to know.

412
00:20:45,911 --> 00:20:49,039
Your husband came on to me
in a local bar.

413
00:20:51,167 --> 00:20:52,877
You mean he propositioned you?

414
00:20:54,503 --> 00:20:57,506
Well, he didn't exactly
proposition me.

415
00:20:58,215 --> 00:21:01,093
Well, what exactly did he do?

416
00:21:02,261 --> 00:21:04,138
He asked me about my feelings.

417
00:21:05,431 --> 00:21:07,558
That is his field, you know.

418
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:11,395
That isn't all he did.

419
00:21:12,062 --> 00:21:16,025
He rubbed my leg
with his disgusting foot.

420
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,985
She never gets tired
of telling this.

421
00:21:22,281 --> 00:21:23,991
Yes. Yes, I admit it.

422
00:21:24,158 --> 00:21:26,869
I accidentally brushed up
against her leg with my foot.

423
00:21:27,036 --> 00:21:28,829
I apologized profusely.

424
00:21:30,956 --> 00:21:32,666
He did not have his shoe on.

425
00:21:33,959 --> 00:21:35,669
It was hot in there.

426
00:21:35,836 --> 00:21:38,214
Would you believe the humiliation?

427
00:21:38,380 --> 00:21:40,841
A hole in my $50 hosiery.

428
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:43,427
Why, you filthy...

429
00:21:44,053 --> 00:21:45,387
Okay, fine. Fine.

430
00:21:45,554 --> 00:21:48,682
There is a chambermaid
in the room. Explain it.

431
00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:52,353
A chambermaid in a hotel.
Will wonders never cease?

432
00:21:53,771 --> 00:21:55,481
You know, actually,
we're going to be running along.

433
00:21:55,648 --> 00:21:57,942
No, we're not going
to be running along.

434
00:21:58,108 --> 00:21:59,485
All right.

435
00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:01,487
How about the fiddler, huh?

436
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:05,783
I was lonely.

437
00:22:05,950 --> 00:22:08,494
I was going to have him
play our song all night.

438
00:22:08,661 --> 00:22:09,870
All right.

439
00:22:10,704 --> 00:22:14,583
So have your loving husband
explain why the four of us

440
00:22:14,750 --> 00:22:16,752
were in that closet.

441
00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:18,128
You were there.

442
00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:19,964
You mean don't you know?

443
00:22:20,798 --> 00:22:22,716
Yes, I know.

444
00:22:22,883 --> 00:22:24,718
Because you are
the scariest bitch

445
00:22:24,885 --> 00:22:26,345
we would ever want to meet.

446
00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:32,142
And you are a little tramp.

447
00:22:32,309 --> 00:22:33,853
Tramp?

448
00:22:34,436 --> 00:22:36,188
I ought to punch you one.

449
00:22:36,355 --> 00:22:37,690
I ought to kill your husband!

450
00:22:37,857 --> 00:22:40,401
I'm going to kill him!
I'm going to kill you!

451
00:22:40,568 --> 00:22:41,819
He's stupid, and he's a fraud!

452
00:22:41,986 --> 00:22:43,362
He's a psycho!

453
00:22:44,154 --> 00:22:46,657
I'm going to hunt you down
and kill you like a dog.

454
00:22:47,825 --> 00:22:51,203
And why don't you get yourself
some new socks, buster?

455
00:22:55,207 --> 00:22:56,667
I can explain everything here.

456
00:22:56,834 --> 00:23:00,045
She just wanted to convince me
that she's not crazy.