Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Look at that baby go.
The Wabash Cannonball.
Yes, sir, with two mail cars serving the citizens of this great land, Woody.
Cliffy, come on, man.
I laid track for you, I helped you with the wiring.
When do I get to handle the controls?
When I think you're good and ready there, young man.
That's right, Mr. Peterson.
When we think you're good and ready.
Hey, Carla, check this out.
Mr. Clavin came up with a great idea for this railroad
I think you're really going to like.
Does it involve tying him to the tracks with a stick of dynamite in his mouth?
Now look, Carla, this baby is a great labor-saving device. You'll see.
Look, why don't you just sit right on over there
and pretend that you're a customer?
So, what will you have, missy?
Gee, I love role playing.
May I have a beer, please, Mr. Bartender?
One brew coming right up!
All right, now, Norm, take heed here.
It takes a steady hand to man the throttle.
Yeah, but it only takes one finger to throw a switch.
Last stop. Everybody off.
Sam, why do I always have to learn everything from the newspaper?
Look at this column.
"On this day in Boston's history."
Yeah? So? I mean, they run this column every day.
It tells what happened ten years ago, 50 years ago.
What are we looking for, the last time you had sex?
No, no, no. This only goes back a hundred years.
Why are you all so interested in my sex life?
Well, somebody has to be.
Oh, hey, look at that. Did you see this, Rebecca?
Duh.
"100 Years ago today,
a new tavern opened at 112 1/2 Beacon Street."
Wait, wait. A mailman never forgets an address, hang on.
Why is 112 1/2 Beacon Street sending a message to my brain?
Probably because you're sitting on it.
Carla, I hate it when you make those sitting-on-my-brain jokes.
Uh, Cliffy, she meant 112 1/2 beacon street.
That's Cheers' address. you're sitting here.
No, I was making a Cliff-sitting-on-his-brain joke.
See, I told you. Thank you, Carla.
The point is, this is our centennial.
Cheers is 100 years old.
Hang on here. Isn't there a sign outside
that says "established in 1895"?
No, don't pay any attention to that. I made that number up.
You what?
That was back when Carla was into that number stuff.
You mean the science of numerology, Sam.
You see, boss,
if you take 1-8-9-5 and you reduce it,
you come out to five.
Whereas, 1-8-8-9 comes out to eight.
And five, for me, is obviously a much luckier number than eight.
Wait, now, you have eight children.
Exactly, and I should've stopped at 5.
Well, anyway, I got to tell you,
I'm going to make the most of this centennial thing.
I already have Woody at the library doing research.
And I think we'll all dress in gay '90s costumes.
- Oh, no, no, no, no. - Oh, yes, yes, yes.
We'll going to spend the entire week
celebrating the fabulous 100 years of Cheers.
Those centennial things are so dorky.
I actually think I'll roll back the prices to 1889 prices.
Like, beer would be five cents a glass.
All right. Dork line forms right behind me.
See?
This is really going to be big.
You know, I'm going to call Mayor Flynn's office
and see if they'll designate Cheers a landmark.
I just wish I had an in with him.
An in? Well, I've been corresponding with his honor for about a year now.
Every week, I just write him a little message.
You know, talking about the running of our fair city.
You might want to mention my name.
Right, Cliff.
And when I speak to President Bush, I'll remember you to him, too.
No, don't bother. We're not on speaking terms.
He forgot to send me a "thank you" for the inaugural fruitcake I sent him.
Oh, look who's here. It's Wimpy and Blimpy.
You haven't popped that kid yet, huh?
Oh, no, no, no. Lilith had the baby weeks ago.
We just decided to put it back in for old times' sake.
Frasier, don't snipe. People are interested.
Oh, all right, I'll behave.
I'm guess I'm just a little overanxious to finally see the slimy little rat.
Frasier, the child will be born when the child is ready to be born.
Well, enjoy your freedom, Lilith.
'Cause once you've gone through the unspeakable horror of childbirth
And the painful drudgery of parenthood,
you'll spend the rest of your life wishing you'd sold the little brat to the gypsies.
How would you know?
That's what Ma tells me.
A-ha!
Mayor Flynn's office loves the idea.
He's not only going to name next Saturday "Cheers day",
he may also come here in person to present us with a special plaque.
Oh, Woody! I'm glad you're back.
What did you find out at the library?
Oh, a bunch of stuff.
Like, they have story hour every Tuesday and Thursday.
The fine for overdue books is 10 cents a day,
and you can't yell out things like, "wow, 10 cents a day?"
Woody, I mean what did you find out about the history of this place?
Nothing much.
Really?
Just pulling your chain. Yank, yank.
No, no, looky here.
I got this great big Boston history book.
As near as I can figure, this place was originally called "Moms".
"Moms."
You know, I bet mom was some twinkly little old lady,
and all the whalers used to come in here and order her homemade apple pie.
Well, no.
Actually, mom was an aging ex-fan dancer
who provided free room and board to attractive, newly-arriving immigrant groups.
Woody, please say, "yank, yank."
It says so here.
You know, this actually reminds me of a cute little old place
they had back in Hanover.
Woody, you've got the wrong idea.
Yeah, you're probably right.
That place back in Hanover was a whorehouse.
...In town
Back in town
That was fantastic. Aren't you guys supposed to have a monkey?
All right, guys, does this look like 1889?
Hey!
Didn't we agree to all wear costumes?
- Uh-huh. - Well, why didn't you?
Look at me. I'm the only one. I look like an idiot.
That's why.
People, will you help me here?
I'm trying to create a turn-of-the-century mood.
So am I. Sammy, here's 5 bucks.
Can I have a hundred beers, please?
You know, everything's coming out pretty good.
The mayor's on his way.
The 5 o'clock news is going to send a camera team.
Oh, and I see my singers are here.
Yeah, thanks a lot for that.
Now I have to put up with barbershop all day.
I hate barbershop.
Where do you get your hair cut, Sam?
Here.
Tell them Sam sent you.
Sam, the quartet is very, very important.
I want everything to be just like it was at the turn-of-the-century.
Wait till the sun shines, nelly
And the clouds go drifting by
Just knock it off, will you?
Sam!
Oh, come on. That kind of stuff
has been getting on people's nerves for 100 years.
It's time somebody did something about it.
No offense.
Miss Howe?
Oh, goody, goody!
It's my special guest.
Hey, everybody, I want you to meet Mr. Weaver.
Come in, Mr. Weaver.
Sam, I'd like you to meet Mr. Weaver.
He's over 106 years old.
Really? Well, you don't look it... I guess.
I mean, who would know, huh?
The reason Mr. Weaver's our guest of honor today
is because he used to live in this neighborhood.
Get it? He was here when Cheers opened.
Big deal. I'm always here when Cheers opens.
I mean originally.
Mr. Weaver confirmed that there was a beer tavern here in 1889.
This man is a living treasure.
Hey, wait a minute.
Did you just pinch me?
Did I?
Bad boy.
Hey!
Hey, Mac, pinch me again,
and you won't live to 107.
Wish you--
You shut up!
Lilith, I promise I will never say another word about inducing labor.
Thank you.
Boo!
Frasier, it's not hiccups.
You can't scare it out.
My God, Lilith, you still haven't delivered that child yet?
No, I haven't, Rebecca.
Lilith's logic is that if she can keep clenching long enough,
we may bypass the terrible twos.
Frasier, I'm not clenching.
The child is simply not ready to be born.
Lilith, the child is two weeks overdue.
Boy, two weeks overdue?
You'd be out $1.40 at the library.
Oh, my God, it's him!
It's the mayor.
Hey, it really is the mayor. Hi.
And look, he's got a little plaque.
Well, he's probably too busy to brush between meals.
No.
How do you do, Your Honor?
I'm Rebecca Howe. Welcome to Cheers' 100th anniversary.
Please, come in. Meet my staff.
This is Sam Malone. This is Woody Boyd.
Carla LeBec, the mayor.
Pleased to meet you.
So what's with all the potholes on my street?
Carla...
It's all right, I voted for him twice...
In the same election.
Uh, I'm sure you're joking,
but I'll look into those potholes for you.
Mayor, if you'd come this way...
Uh, excuse me, Mr. Mayor.
We haven't had the honor yet.
I'm somebody who sort of writes you about once a week.
You might remember the name. Cliff Clavin?
Clavin. Clavin. Why does that name ring a bell?
Your Honor.
Oh, my God. He's the one.
See if he's armed.
There's got to be a mistake here.
I'm not a fanatic.
I'm a member of the US Postal Service.
Yep, he's the guy all right.
What are you talking about?
You're just miffed because you didn't get
an inaugural fruitcake on your election.
Well, you can hold your breath, pal,
'cause when I get out of jail...
Excuse me, Your Honor, we've known Cliff Clavin for a long time.
He's okay.
So you don't think he could snap and become violent?
Uh...well, okay might be too strong of a word.
Your Honor, I can assure you
that is not typical of our clientele here.
Most of the people that come in here are...
Well, they're professionals.
You know, I'm beginning to wonder if you're fit to carry my seed.
I'm beginning to wish you'd kept it.
Aren't they fun?
Oh, Your Honor, wait, please.
I would like you to meet Mr. Weaver.
Mr. Weaver is over 106 years old.
And still very active.
Carla.
Would you please show Mr. Weaver
our relaxing and lovely billiards lounge?
Let's go, pops, put your hands in your pockets
and walk five feet in front of me.
Well, now that we have this quiet time alone,
maybe now would be a good time for you to present that plaque.
Absolutely, Miss Howe.
- Ready when you are, Mr. Mayor. - Thank you, Bob.
On behalf of the people of the city of Boston,
it is a great pleasure--
Hey, hey! The old geezer just keeled over on the pool table!
Oh, boy. Somebody get a doctor.
- I'm a doctor. - Oh, really, Lilith.
I suppose you'll revive him by having a baby on him.
Would you just step on it?
There are people waiting to use that pool table.
It's just as well seeing I just went into labor.
Yow! Whoa!
Wait till the sun shines, nelly--
- Shut up! - Shut up!
Excuse me. Can I have your attention, please?
Thank God. How are you, Mr. Weaver?
He's fine. He has something he wants to say to everybody.
I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?
He just faked the heart attack so girls would bend over him.
Although personally, I think that was rather clever.
Darling, Sam just told me. are you feeling any discomfort?
Whoa!
I'll take that as a yes.
I'll go pull the car around.
We'll be at the hospital in no time.
- Woody, would you help her with her Lamaze? - What's Lamaze?
Oh, Woody, there's no time for that now. All right, very briefly.
It's a psycho-prophylactic relaxation method.
It was discovered by the great, late Dr. Fernand Lamaze
While on a trip to Russia. It was later perfected--
Holy Mother of Pearl!
Well, just go "Hoo-hoo-hoo, hee-hee-hee."
I'm going to boil some water.
What for?
I'm going to have some tea. Do you want some?
How does that go again?
Hoo hoo hoo!
- Hee hee hee! - Hee hee hee!
Hoo hoo hoo.
Hee hee hee.
Woody, Woody, Woody, take it easy.
Don't let Lilith hyperventilate there.
Hoo hoo hee...
Good boy.
Obviously, Miss Howe, things are quite hectic around here.
I better come back in another 100 years.
No, no, it's not hectic here.
It's all this faking heart attacks and giving birth
and illegal gambling.
- Illegal gambling? - Nothing.
We better get out of here. Let's go.
I've parked my car in that damn red zone a thousand times!
They pick today to tow my car away!
Listen, I got my car outside. Here, I'll give you a lift.
- Let me help you. - All right, just be brave.
Think lovely, simple, wonderful thoughts.
Novocaine.
Codeine.
Demerol-- whoa!
Whiskey. Rum.
Knock me unconscious with a mallet!
How far apart are the contractions now?
Well, let's see, they were three minutes.
Now they're...
About 40 minutes?
I think they've stopped, Frasier.
Oh, darn. Too bad.
I mean, you were in such pain there for a while.
It was false labor. We made this trip for nothing.
Well, why don't we wait for the doctor to confirm it.
In the meantime, you just try to stay comfortable.
How? There's no air conditioning.
I've got 50 pounds of baby flesh crushing a major artery,
and I want to go home.
Well, you know what they say? That's the first sign you're getting better.
That a girl.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude.
Oh, no problem.
Oh!
Forty seconds.
Oh, excuse me,
but shouldn't somebody be here with you right now?
I'm being taken care of.
The doctor comes in every few minutes and tells me it's not that bad.
Well... are you all alone here?
My husband's in the merchant marines.
My parents live in Michigan.
We just moved here. I don't even know anybody in Boston.
Well, hell, you do now. Sam Malone.
Gail Aldrich.
Oh, God! I've never felt pain like this.
Sorry.
There's another one. They're coming closer.
Uh... shoot. Frasier?
Say, can you come over here and help us with that breathing stuff?
Darling, I'll be right back.
In the meantime, you just try to think of good things.
Like what?
Like you're not her.
All right, now, the important thing is to relax.
Try to find a focal point, something to concentrate on.
All right. Good. Let's look something pretty here.
- It could be anything. - Beige walls.
Sam has a nice smile.
Oh! good, good, good. Sam, yes.
Focus on Sam's smile.
All right.
Oh, Sam, you do have a lovely smile.
Did you have those bonded?
No, but I do have them polished four times a year.
I only go twice a year. maybe I should step it up.
Oh, good, you're here.
Listen, her contractions are one on top of another.
Ready to go, huh?
You bet I am. Oh, you probably mean her.
Oh! It's starting!
Let's get you to the delivery room.
Oh, boy!
It's hard to get out of this bed.
Really? I wonder where a guy like me can get one of those?
Smile. Smile.
We're with you here.
I'll be right back, hon. Will you be all right?
Sure. I'm just counting the tiny holes in the ceiling tiles.
Of course, now that you've interrupted me,
I'm going to have to start all over again.
That's my girl.
One...
two... three...
four--
Oh, doctor, thank God. I felt so isolated here.
I guess I had false labor.
I'm so terribly embarrassed because I'm a doctor myself,
and I was so sure this was the real thing.
Not to mention the fact that I was sure I'd become a mother today.
And now I have to go on waiting.
I need someone to talk me through this.
And please, please, tell me what to do.
False labor. Go home.
I telephoned your parents, told them you had a boy.
They are thrilled to death.
Although your father did ask twice who the hell I was.
Thanks. You are both so sweet.
Yeah, but I'm sweeter, right?
If you'll excuse me. I can't wait to share this miracle with Lilith.
Well, I better not disturb her now.
She and the baby are resting, so... Whoa!
Who is that?
Your son.
My son?
A boy?
I'm a father.
Sam, Sam, I have a son.
Congratulations.
He looks just exactly like me.
Oh, don't worry about that. All babies look like that at first.
May I?
Aw, look, Sam...
- Look. - My son.
Oh, Frasier, he has your eyes.
And look at that. He has Lilith's chin.
- He's got my nose. - Don't be ridiculous.
No, I mean he's got my nose.
Aw... whoo!
Look, he's so cute.
I could stare at him for hours.
- Sam? - I got to go. Sorry.
You all set here?
Yeah. Just give me two minutes to get out of my uniform.
Two minutes? Are you kidding? I can cut that time in half.
I can't believe we have a son.
But, Lilith, when did all this happen?
After the doctor discharged me, I looked for you, couldn't find you,
so I took a cab.
I gave birth in the back seat.
The cabbie was nice enough to let me
bite down on one of his foam rubber dice.
Oh, my precious angel. You were so brave.
The only problem was that every time I pushed,
my feet kept opening the back door into traffic.
The greatest moment of my life, and I missed it.
You must want to kill me.
Now, Frasier, now is not the time for reproaches.
Now is the time to rejoice.
The reproaches can come tomorrow and for the next 50 years.
Is it any wonder I love you so?
Oh, look, his first smile.
Darling face.
As much as we would like to believe otherwise,
we both know that newborn infants
are incapable of revealing emotion through facial expression.
It's probably just gas.
- Oh, his first gas! - Oh, his first gas!
Hey, Norm.
Frasier and Lilith had a boy.
All right!
Yeah, I got some pictures here. You want to see them?
Yeah, let's see.
Let's see here. All right. Uh...
Well, this is the nurse.
Nurse...
- Nurse... - Ooh!
Me and the nurse.
Oh, right, no. Here's one with the kid.
Where's the kid?
The fuzzy thing the nurse is bending over.
Where is everybody?
Oh, well, the party kinda got out of hand
after Rebecca wrestled the five o'clock news guy to the ground
and ripped all the tape out of his camera.
How about Cliff? How's he doing?
I think they're still interrogating him downtown.
But Carla went after him.
To bail him out?
No, to poke things at him through the bars.
But don't worry, Sammy. I've watched the bar.
I've kept very careful track of how many beers I've had.
Yeah.
I think this is, um...
Two.
Yeah, right.
Uh, Sammy,
think you can show me how to change a keg?
So you're all alone here, huh?
Well, no, not exactly.
Wait till the sun shines, nelly
And the clouds go drifting by
We will be happy, nelly
Don't you--