Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Carla? Beer, please.
Friends, circle the day in red.
Today, Lilith and I are off on our first outing sans baby.
All right. Congratulations, Frasier.
And well deserved, too. I feel like a free man.
You have no idea how an infant can dominate your life.
Fortunately, Lilith and I have seen to it
that we can get away and enjoy ourselves independently.
Where you going?
First, we're off to the crib store to buy a new liner,
and then it's a Lamaze reunion.
Wait, wait, wait.
So who's taking care of the little papoose?
Oh, we've lucked into the most fabulous au pair.
You know, one of those foreign-exchange students who,
in return for room and board, take care of the child?
Ours happens to be large, blond, and from Sweden.
Now, Lilith doesn't object to having
a spicy little Swedish meatball around the house?
She's been so busy being a mommy, I don't think she's even noticed.
Come on, Frasier.
We don't want to cut into Torsten's exercise time.
Good morning.
Sam, you're seven minutes late.
Oh, boy, I wish I was more like you.
But I just can't seem
to find the time to sit around,
watching the minutes tick by while I get older,
realizing that I've wasted my life.
I meant roughly seven.
So what's your excuse?
Well, I had a date last night I was seven minutes late for
and I just could never catch up.
And I suppose you didn't have time to shave this morning?
Oh, sorry. I forgot.
Sure, you forgot.
It wouldn't happen that you think that looks sexy, would it?
No. Really, I just forgot.
It looks sexy, huh?
Sammy, say, you shouldn't be so surprised.
You know, women really can't resist a thick crop of jaw hair.
It goes back to, uh... it goes back to Androcles.
Wait a second. Wasn't Androcles the guy who pulled
the thorn out of the lion's paw?
That's what he told his wife when she found the scratches on his back, huh?
I'm telling you, guys. Babes and beards.
Yeah?
If beards are such a babe magnet, why don't you have one?
Well, as a matter of fact, Carla, in my family's history,
I'm the first Clavin to go without a beard.
You're the first Clavin to go without a tail.
You know, Carla, you know,
one day without giving the old Norelco a face ride,
this chin would outshine Sammy's.
Oh, what are we talking about here, a beard-growing contest?
You got it.
What do you say, Sammy? 20 bucks?
What the heck.
I haven't had a beard for a while,
and it's all in good fun.
It really looks sexy, huh?
Oh, yeah.
Yasir 'Arafat always gets me hot.
Okay. I'll be the judge.
You have one month, starting today.
Your beards will be rated on length,
body, fullness, luster,
sheen, and bounce.
"Bounce"? How you going to judge bounce?
You'll see.
What do you say there, Norm?
You want to put your peach fuzz on the starting line?
Like I've got nothing better to do than sit around a bar
all day and watch my hair grow.
Yeah, I'm in. Yeah.
Can you believe this pathetic display?
It pleases me that you're secure enough in your masculinity
to forego these never-ending rites of passage.
No, no, I mean that this convention of babies' bottoms
think they can grow better beards than me.
All right, you bald-faced debutantes, I'm in.
Hey, guys. I thought you were out on a date.
We are, Sam.
I'm topping off the evening by bringing Kelly here to Cheers.
Why do that? You spend all your time here.
Well, I know, but tonight I'm here as a customer,
and that means I get to order you around.
Two ginger ales, big guy, and don't try to slip us any of that house stuff.
Look at him run.
Wow, Woody!
When you were talking about this in the car,
I never thought you'd go through with it.
Wow, this customer stuff is going to be great.
You know, usually I'm so busy working, I miss out
on all the witty conversation that goes on around here.
Norm, you seem to have a little cheese-doodle dust
on the corner of your mouth there.
No, I didn't have any cheese doodles.
Last night you did.
I did?
Yeah. Wow.
Boy, that stuff really keeps, doesn't it?
I hate to tear myself away, Woody,
but I better get my dad's car home.
All right. I'll let you know if they find any more food on Mr. Peterson's face.
Cheers.
Yeah, hold on a second.
Woody, Lee Bradken.
Aren't you forgetting something, Sam?
I'm the customer, you bring the phone to me.
In that case, I'm going to charge you $2.00 for that ginger ale.
Coming!
Hello?
I did?
Oh, thank you, Mr. Bradken!
Oh, thanks a lot! I won't let you down!
Thank you very much!
Hey, everybody, that was the director of my community theater!
I finally got a lead in one of our plays!
First, I get a bike when I'm ten, and now this?
Boy, I...
Woody, what part are you going to play?
Oh, I'm playing George Gibbs from Our Town,
kind of a naive, small-town guy who's a little shy
and sort of backward.
Can you believe they chose me?
Oh, this is really exciting.
The girl who's playing Emily is a terrific actress.
I mean, actually, she's got kind of an advantage
because her real name is Emily.
She don't even have to learn to answer to a different name.
Oh. I guess you'll be doing all the real work, then, huh?
All I can say is it's about time.
You have lugged coffee around and sold tickets
in that theater long enough.
Just paying my dues, Miss Howe.
Boy, this is a big night for me.
Who wants to help me paint the town?
- All right! - Yeah!
- Hey, where we going, Wood? - To the theater.
I'm in charge of the scenery and I got to paint the town.
So do you think my beard makes me look older?
No.
Really?
Yeah. It's your hairline that makes you look older.
Well, Rebecca, the contest is almost over.
You only got about 24 more hours
to keep stealing those subtle little glances at me.
What are you talking about?
Oh, come on. I've seen you looking at me
over your shoulder like...
A little ashamed, but not being able to stop yourself.
Yeah, right. You look like you live in the woods and chop trees.
In this fantasy of yours, is my shirt on or off?
Oh, please!
Are there little droplets of sweat running down my well-formed body like rivers?
Don't make me laugh.
I saw that.
Sam? Sam, get this.
Who do you think I look like with my beard this way?
Oh. Well, that's easy.
You look like that little guy on the cans of deviled ham.
No, no.
Sigmund Freud, the father of modern psychoanalysis
and one of the greatest minds of the 20th century.
He gave all that up to sell deviled ham?
The man had to live.
You know, lately, when I'm in my office taking notes
about some patient who's pouring his guts out,
I imagine I'm Dr. Freud and I'm back in Vienna,
hobnobbing with the great minds of the era,
exchanging quips with Jung,
developing the original theories of psychoanalysis.
Before I know it, the hour's up.
I've discovered I haven't even listened to a single thing the patient's been saying.
It makes a nice change.
Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - Norm!
What can I get you, Norm?
Got any flea powder?
No. Just kidding. Actually, give me a beer.
I think I'll drown the little suckers.
That beard's looking good, man.
It's filling in nice.
Yeah, I got to hand it to you guys. You are good.
Not in the ballpark of Nick Tortelli, though.
Yeah?
Now, that was a hairy man.
Yeah, you know, the first time I saw him naked,
I couldn't even tell he was naked.
But then who would've expected it at a Bob's Big Boy?
Oh! Hide, everybody!
Hide! Hide!
It's the wolf man!
Oh, no! No!
Sorry. Relax. It's just Cliff.
Very funny, Norm. Very funny.
Don't give up your day job, huh?
Oh, that's right, you don't have a day job.
All right. Come on, Cliff, admit it.
The beard looks a little pathetic, huh?
Apology accepted, Norm.
You guys, tomorrow is Woody's opening night and he's really excited.
So why don't we chip in...
Wolf man!
I love that gag!
Emily, I'm going to do my best.
I love you, Emily.
I need you.
Well, if you love me...
Wait. Wait. Stop.
Woody, honey, tomorrow is opening night.
I'm not getting love from you.
Well, I really do respect your work, sir.
Not for me, for Emily.
When you say "I love you," I don't believe
you're really talking to this girl.
Again, please.
I love you, Emily.
No, no, no.
Ron, honey, you want to help Woody run lines for a minute?
Do I have to?
What kind of a theater is this, Ron?
Community theater.
Come on, Woody.
Emily, honey, we got a little problem here.
Is it me?
Because I really felt connected in that last run-through.
Honey, you're the best actress we have.
No, it's Woody.
I think I may have to replace him in the part.
Every time he has to touch you or play anything
resembling a love scene, he just freezes up.
Maybe I can get him to loosen him up.
Oh, give it a try.
I suppose if you could get him past
that one little block, then we could be free
to work on all his other blocks.
I'll try, Mr. Bradken.
Woody, honey, you want to come back center stage?
Emily's going to work with you a little longer.
Come on, Ron. I need a lift to my sister's up at the cape.
Do I have to?
Ron...
Community theater.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm centered.
I'm breathing from my diaphragm.
I found my focal point.
I'm not chewing gum.
Why don't we try improvising a little?
We'll get on our ladders and we'll just say
Whatever we think our characters are thinking.
And remember, George and Emily
aren't two innocent kids playing around with love.
They're consumed by the fire of their passion.
Don't you think?
Okay, I'll start.
It's a beautiful moon, isn't it, Woody.
I mean George?
It sure is, Emily. I mean Emily.
I hate to waste a romantic night like this when we could be...
exploring our feelings for each other.
What are you doing improvising on my ladder?
Come on, Woody, don't be shy. I'm not.
There's just that perfectly good ladder over there
that nobody's improvising on.
Woody, I think we need to feel the same passion and fire
that George and Emily felt...
Now.
What are you doing?
Improvising the farewell scene.
There is no farewell scene.
There is now.
So there I am, hanging from a rope,
and she said she wants to experience love with me.
Woody.
On a rope?
Oh, boy, she must be strong, huh?
She was coming on to me really strong.
She said she wanted to get close to me.
She kept talking about flames and passion.
I mean, this girl wants me, and I don't even know her.
Does that ever happen to you, Sam?
Well, not this afternoon.
Uh-oh. She just got in under the wire.
What if Kelly finds out? She won't understand.
She's already upset because I haven't been spending a lot of time with her.
Oh, she's got to understand.
You're in a play. You have rehearsals.
I haven't exactly told Kelly I'm in a play.
Why not?
Well, Kelly's kind of an old-fashioned girl.
This play has a lot of stuff like kissing and homework and dying.
Believe me, our town isn't the kind of play
you want to take a nice girl to.
Woody, Woody, you got to tell Kelly you're rehearsing a play.
I'm afraid Sammy's right.
You can't go sneaking out at nights on somebody you love.
Woody, you have to believe that truth and...
- Norm, it's Vera. - I'm not here.
...honesty are the cornerstones of any relationship.
You're right, Mr. P.
Kelly's coming by later this afternoon.
I'm going to tell her the truth.
Good man, Wood.
After all, being a proud member of the theater world is nothing to be ashamed of.
How would you know?
Well, back in my university days, I once trod the boards.
Most memorably as Man Number Two
in our production of Can Can.
- I didn't know that, Dr. Crane. - Oh, yes.
Theater was the only time I seriously considered giving up psychology
for the arts,
but I couldn't disappoint my father.
No, sir, not him.
I remember opening night.
I stared breathlessly out from behind the curtain to see
if he'd taken the seat I'd left for him.
But he was too busy with his experiments to show up.
Always involved with those damned experiments.
Your dad was a scientist, huh?
No. He was a white rat.
Of course he was a scientist, you nit!
You see, my father wanted me to go into psychology...
He insisted on it.
At the time, I hated him for it.
Then he died before I had a chance to realize
that he was right, and I never got to tell him.
It's funny, isn't it?
That's a good one, all right, Dr. Crane!
Woody...
I meant "funny" in a sad, ironic way.
I know! Those kill me!
All right, losers.
Let's count the hair on our chinny-chin-chins.
Come off it, Clavin.
If you expect us to believe you grew that phony beard overnight,
you're as stupid as you look.
No chance of that, Carla.
No, this righteous facial moss is pure Clavin.
Yeah, baloney!
This thing is really on there.
Hey, all right. Knock it off!
Come on, guys, I told you.
I told you Clavin hair grows in spurts. It runs in the family.
As a matter of fact, Grandpa Clavin...
He used to let us hang from his beard.
No, wait a second. Grandpa Clavin died when I was six.
Who was that guy?
Okay. It's time to pick who has the best beard.
Test number one.
If all the contestants will please line up, my lovely assistant...
Will help me with the beer absorption test.
Beer absorption test. Okay.
Thank you.
Hey, whoa.
Vanna.
Norm, no cheating!
Woody.
Hi, Emily. What are you doing here?
Try the cheeks now, boys. Really roll them around in there. Come on.
Come on, come on. Soak up every drop.
This counts as one fifth of your score.
Are you okay?
Sure. Fine.
I just want to make sure I didn't scare you last night.
I wasn't coming on to you or anything.
I was just trying to motivate you, stir something inside of you.
I never wanted anything to actually happen between us.
I've heard of that.
Yeah, it's called method acting.
Where I come from, they call it a certain kind of teasing.
Where can we go to rehearse?
What about the pool room?
Okay.
Do you know we only have four hours
to make an audience believe that we are a young couple growing up,
falling in love, getting married, and dying?
They'd have to be pretty stupid to buy that.
No, that didn't stick.
Just what are you trying to accomplish with this test anyway?
Nothing. I'm just trying to put out your eye.
I love you, Emily. I need you.
It should be more like this.
Woody!
I can't believe it!
Oh, wait, Kelly. It's not what it looks like.
Don't make excuses, Woody.
Now I see what's going on.
You're busy every night and you won't tell me why.
I walk in here and find the two of you kissing in the back room of a bar.
It all adds up...
You're in a play and you didn't even tell me!
Wait! Maybe I was just cheating on you!
4,061...
4,062...
Wait. This is a misunderstanding.
Yeah, listen to him.
You stay out of this.
Oh! Woody's babes coming to blows.
- Catfight! - Catfight!
You get out of my way right now, or so help me
I'll hurt your feelings.
You do, and I'll hurt yours right back.
Kitten fight.
- Kitten fight. - Kitten fight.
Look, I'm really sorry.
When I get miffed, the adrenaline just goes crazy.
Kelly, I didn't tell you about the play
because I thought you might be uncomfortable seeing me kiss and hug another woman.
Come on, Woody. I've seen plays before.
I can't believe you didn't trust me enough to understand.
I didn't want to take the chance of something coming in-between us.
You're my girlfriend. I love you, Kelly.
Why can't you say it to me like that?
Well, I don't love you. I love Kelly.
Can't you pretend I'm Kelly?
Would that be okay, Kelly?
Well, all right. but just for the play.
I'm sorry.
I just can't look you in the eyes when I say that.
Well, why don't you try starting on something else?
Just say it to the air.
I love you, air.
Great! All right. Now say it to this guy.
I love you, Tecumseh.
Hey, I'm starting to get the hang of this.
I love you, Miss Howe.
Thank you, Woody.
I love you, Mr. Clavin.
Well, Woody, it takes quite a man to admit that.
I was just acting.
Oh, yeah. So was I.
I'm starting to get this.
Now say it to me.
I love you, Emily.
Oh, Woody.
Mr. Bradken said that if you didn't get over this,
he's going to replace you in the part.
I love you, Emily.
So that's the secret to acting, fear!
So what other bad things did he say about me?
Hear ye, hear ye.
Here are the results you've all been waiting for.
And the winner is...
Cliff Clavin.
Oh, man.
Hey, surprise.
Well, we know it's not fixed.
But you should be.
Well, don't look at me, you guys.
He passed all the tests.
Yep, I'm going to go call my barber...
Yeah, yeah, yeah... tell him I won the contest
in spite of that inch he trimmed off my beard.
Well, I suppose it's time we shave.
Yep.
To tell you the truth, I'm going to kind of miss the old beard.
Yeah.
I rather enjoyed looking like a macho,
grizzly, gnarly kind of guy that my wife wouldn't come near with a 10-foot pole.
Yeah, I'd like to talk to somebody
about one of your industrial adhesive products.
So what do you think? Should I keep it or lose it?
I know how sexy you think it is.
Well, Sam, to tell you the truth,
I think the sexiest part about a beard is when a man shaves it.
- Oh, yeah? - Mm-hmm.
I've always had this little fantasy about sitting in a guy's lap
and lathering him up real good,
and then taking it off, taking it all off.
What's the point of having a fantasy unless you make it real?
I agree. I'm going to do it.
Oh, yeah?
Norm, can you come in my office, please?
I see. I see.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Yeah, well, just for the sake of argument, suppose it did come in contact with human skin.
Now, can they do that on an out-patient basis?