Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Last call, everybody!
Already? Boy, I can't believe it.
Oh. Time plays funny tricks on you when you get older, Woody.
Yeah. You're not a kid anymore, Woodman.
Yes. Life rushes past you.
Months and years seem to blend into one indistinguishable blur,
while from behind you hear the steady relentless beat
of the approaching wings of grim-faced death.
I just meant my watch was slow,
but now I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight.
Hey, Carla.
This is a black, black day.
The school out already?
Worse. I got a letter from the IRS.
- Poor kid. What does it say? - I'm afraid to open it.
Hey. It may not be that bad.
Sammy, I just said it was from the IRS,
the guys who got Al Capone.
Well, Carla, being afraid of one of the most omnipotent
and powerful agencies in the world is, of course, quite understandable,
but the anxiety caused by not dealing with what's in that letter
is far worse than the real situation.
- Yeah. Maybe you guys are right. - Nothing to fear but fear itself.
- I'm getting audited. - And that.
I'm getting audited. Next stop, prison.
What am I going to do?
Probably make license plates.
Come on, audits happen every day.
I did thousands of them when I was an accountant.
All you need to do is get yourself a good accountant.
I don't have time for that.
Will you do it, Norm?
Sorry, Carla. I'm a painter now. Can't do it.
But if you do want your jail cell painted Navajo White I've got...
Listen, I am desperate. I'll pay you.
Okay. All right, I'll do it.
All right, fair enough. I think what you have to do
is bury the auditor in paperwork, all right?
I want you to get your hands on receipts.
Any receipt you have, all right?
If you don't have them, just make them up.
- That's illegal. - All right. Forget it, then.
No, not at all. The kids will love it.
We'll make it a family project.
Okay, everybody get to work. Woody, polish the bar rails.
Carla, scrape all the gum from underneath the table tops.
- Why should I? - Because you put it there.
Come on, you guys.
My favorite college professor's coming to town.
I've invited her to dinner.
Oh, Sam, straighten up all those cocktail napkins.
I want all the jokes pointing in the same direction.
Don't you think you're going overboard
on these superficial little things? I mean, who's going to notice?
Sam, your hair's clumping up a little bit on this side.
What? Oh, hey, guys,
you're supposed to tell me when this happens!
Maybe I am getting a little bit crazy.
It's just that I don't know why somebody like Professor Volkman
would come and see somebody like me.
You see, I was sort of a mess in school.
And I was always sucking up to people, you know,
always trying to please everybody.
Now, how have you changed?
I got my braces off.
Oh, I hope she likes my teeth. Sam, what do you think?
They look pretty good to me. Let's give them a taste.
Don't say stupid things like that when you're around her.
I have a great deal of respect for Alice Anne Volkman.
She's not only a remarkable teacher and lecturer,
but also the author of a book that's on the best-sellers list.
Maybe you've heard of it, Speak Out and Score.
- Oh, yeah. I read that book. - You read her book?
You read a book?
Well, to tell you the truth, it was an accident.
I mean, who knew Speak Out and Score would be about business?
I thought it was about babes, you know.
You know, oddly enough,
that business stuff really works on babes.
Well, Sammy, maybe when she comes here,
you can ask her some business tips on how to buy back Cheers.
Oh, that's a good idea, man.
Sammy, you seem like shocked that I had a good idea.
Oh, no. I didn't mean it that way.
Actually, I'm kind of surprised, too.
I think I'll celebrate by having a beer.
Damn, there's another good idea. Wow! I hope this isn't it for the year.
Sam, I do not want you talking to her
about business or babes or anything else.
I am trying to impress the woman.
And you asked her to meet you here?
You asked her to meet you, period?
Honey, catch a train to reality.
This piece is fresh.
Oh. Hey, I was looking for that one. It has some good chews left.
I'm Alice Volkman. I'm looking for Rebecca Howe.
Oh, God.
Never mind. I think I've found her.
Hi, Alice, it's good to see you.
Oh, sorry. I was just trying to make this bar look good.
Here, have a seat.
Would you like something to drink?
- Some white wine. - Some white wine!
Well, Rebecca, it's great to see you.
And I might add, you look sensational.
And you look terrific, too. Might I say
that you have not changed one iota since college.
I think you look better now, and I didn't even know you then.
Him I like.
Oh, Sam, this is Alice Anne Volkman,
one of the finest, most inspiring educators
and business minds of our time.
Alice, this is Sam, a flunky.
Pleasure.
- How do you do? - Hey, teach, Carla LeBec.
Listen, I got this business problem.
I'm being audited by the IRS, and I'm a little scared.
Oh, well, don't be.
The IRS auditors aren't inherently evil monsters and sadists.
They're people, just like you.
Boy, I'm in worse trouble than I thought.
Alice, I am so honored that you took time
out of your busy schedule to spend time with me.
Well, I always like to keep track of my former pupils,
and you were always one of my favorites.
Thank you.
May I have some soda in this, please?
Sure. So she was your best student, huh?
Oh, God, no.
But she was one of my favorites.
Oh, sure, some of the kids got better grades,
some were more creative,
and some you just knew were going to make it, but Rebecca...
Oh, gee, what was my point?
Oh, yes.
No one wanted success more fiercely than Becky Howe.
You just can't beat determination.
Even today, I hold Rebecca up as an example to my students.
- You do? - You bet.
I tell them about
that little talk we had at the end of the senior year.
Remember what I said to you?
That I flunked the final, and have to repeat the course
in summer school, and get my diploma in the mail?
And you did it.
You held your head up and persevered.
Anyone else would have had a nervous breakdown.
I did have a nervous breakdown.
But you completed the course,
as well as several lovely macramé plant hangers.
And today she's our leader.
Listen, I hope this is not a bad time to ask you this,
but I'm thinking about buying back this bar.
I was wondering if you could give me some advice
on how to save a lot of money.
No, Sam, excuse me, but Alice and I have reservations up at Melville's.
Well, maybe I could just tag along.
I won't be in the way. Come on, I'll treat, huh?
Oh, well, if that's your idea of saving money, we do need to talk.
Come on, kids. It's on me.
- Great. - Oh, listen,
if you guys are going up to Melville's
to have one of their special dinners
with all the appetizers and the desserts and everything,
would you bring back something for me?
- Sure. What do you want? - Your receipt.
You know, I'm really impressed you read my book.
I read it, too, in hardcover.
You should have waited for the paperback, save a few bucks.
Oh, I didn't buy it. I checked it out of the library.
Oh, there go those royalties.
You know what I love about your book
is the way you lay out that whole philosophy thing,
"Dare it, decide it, do it."
- That's just so memorable. - Well, that was no accident.
The common denominator is commitment.
Plus they all begin with "D"s.
Yeah, well, the key is decisiveness.
You know, that was always Rebecca's failing in school.
She could never take a stand.
She always had to ask what somebody else thought
before she knew what she thought.
But I've changed since then.
Have you made a decision, ma'am?
The rest of your party are halfway through their salads.
Is the swordfish fresh?
It was when you started ordering.
All right, I know what I want now.
Not chicken.
I'll have the spinach salad, lamb chops in mint jelly,
and the broiled new potatoes.
That sounds good.
How'd you come up with such a great combo?
It's the number two.
- What's this? - It's our dessert menu.
I thought you might like to hit the ground running.
Alice, I have something for you.
It's something very special,
and it's something that I have waited
a very long time to give you.
What... this is your term paper from January 1977.
Yeah. I bet you thought that I'd stopped working on it.
Oh, I'm afraid I'm going to have to knock you down
a half a grade for being tardy.
It's just that I wanted it off my conscience.
It's the first "F" I ever got.
But then it led to all those other "F"s,
so I wanted to feel a sense of completion.
Granted, it's a tad bit dated in places.
"Jimmy Carter, the three term president."
It could still happen.
He was a physicist, did you know that?
Yes. Page two.
Well, I'll look forward to reading it.
You had a question about how to buy Cheers?
Yes, I do.
What's the question?
How do I buy Cheers?
Sam, forget it. It's just a pipe dream.
- It's never going to happen. - Oh, Rebecca, nothing's impossible.
Nothing's impossible. If you put your mind to it, you can do it.
We have faith in you.
Rebecca, honey, relax.
You don't have to impress me. You never did.
I never did have to impress you, or I never did impress you?
That's a pick 'em.
Miss Howe?
Phone for you downstairs. It's Robin Colcord.
The Robin Colcord?
Well, I don't know. if you mean the fabulously handsome,
wealthy multimillionaire, yes, that's him.
Woody, would you please tell Robin Colcord
that I will call him back at my convenience.
Miss Howe, I know you told me to come up here
and pretend Robin Colcord's on the phone for you,
but he really is.
And you kept him on hold all this time?
Well, why didn't you tell me? Move it!
- What about your meal? - Woody, you handle it.
Yeah, I think I'm going to need some more mint jelly and lots of ketchup.
Rebecca? You okay?
You never came back last night.
Oh, I'm sorry, Alice, but you know how it is
when you're on the phone with someone like Robin Colcord.
First we're conference calling, then Telstaring,
and then bouncing satellites all over the solar system...
Oh, Rebecca, wait a minute, you got a fax from Robin.
"Sorry I left you on hold last night and never got back to you,
but something came up, and I had to fly to Stuttgart."
Thank you, Carla.
Well, I guess I can hang up now.
You were on hold since last night?
Don't be ridiculous. I called him again this morning.
I've only been on hold a couple of hours.
So I apologize for leaving you up at Melville's.
Oh, no problem.
- Can I get you a cup of coffee? - Fine.
Sam was nice enough to drive me back to the hotel.
- Good. - Yeah.
So I asked him into the bar downstairs
to discuss his plans to buy back Cheers.
You know, you are so terrific. It is no wonder
that I have idolized you all these years.
So after drinks, we moved the conversation up to my room,
had a night cap, talked a little more, did it,
and this morning had quite a nice continental breakfast.
So the hotel offers a free continental breakfast whenever...
Did it?
You slept with Sam Malone?
Oh, is that his last name?
Well, I'd love to stay here and chat,
but I've got to get back to the hotel if I'm going to get a nap
before my seminar tonight.
Don't give away all your dental secrets.
- Hey, prof. - Hi, Sam.
- How you doing? - Fine. Yourself?
Pretty good. Think we're going to get snow?
- No. It's too cold. - Yeah. You're probably right. Bye-bye.
Sam...
May I speak with you over here privately a second?
Sure.
Think we'll get any snow?
You germ.
- What? - You insect.
I cannot believe you slept with Alice Anne Volkman.
And how could you take advantage of a lonely older woman like that?
Oh, sweetheart, when the lights go out,
everybody's the same age, and nobody's lonely.
I cannot believe you made my mentor, my idol
- just another notch on your bedpost. - Hey, hey. That's not true.
I don't have a bedpost,
which you'd know if you'd ever had the decency
to come to my bedroom.
God, this is my fault.
I never should have brought her here.
All I ever wanted to do was impress the woman.
Well, I got some good news for you.
First thing she said after she put out her cigarette was,
"Hey, Sam, you're very impressive."
How can you be so insensitive?
She's not another one of your dumb bimbos!
She doesn't just take sex lightly, you know.
What are you going to do when she wants to see you again?
See? Oh, please.
Yes. She's a very classy woman.
She probably thinks there's some kind of commitment here.
- I don't... I don't think so. - Sam, trust me.
Well...
You know her better than I do.
I certainly don't want any misunderstanding here.
- I'll give her a call. - Oh, yeah, right.
Some faceless, anonymous, blow-off phone call
that you have made a thousand times before.
That's why I suggested it.
I tell you what you are gonna do, young man.
You are gonna march over to that hotel right now,
and you are going to straighten things out.
Hey, first of all, I only march when my mom tells me,
and, second, if I go over there, I'm still on the clock.
That's another one of those business things we discussed...
...in the shower.
Boy, it's getting scary around here.
Why do you say that, Wood?
Well, I mean, if Carla's getting audited, can I be far behind?
Come on, Woody.
From what you make, and the way you handle it,
if you made a dollar less,
I do believe you'd qualify for food stamps.
All right. Then I'm sitting pretty.
All right.
Okay, Cliff, I treated you to dinner at the Ritz-Carlton
on August 16th of last year to discuss career matters.
Hold on. You know, I'd like to find out a little bit more about this scam
before I lend my good name to it.
Now, what kind of career matters did we discuss?
Your career in the Vienna Boys' Choir.
Oh, yeah. That was a tasty little dinner, wasn't it?
Four star.
Okay, Norm, look, if anybody asks, on November 25th,
I bought you a Mercedes for business reasons.
It's got one of those car phones, right?
- Yeah. - Don't tell Vera the number.
Hey, Carla, I don't get it.
You buy Mr. Clavin dinner, you buy Mr. Peterson a new car.
What about me? I'm your friend.
Okay. Woody.
On March 15th, I took you to Hawaii.
Sure. The rainy season.
- Is there a Mrs. Carla LeBec here? - Who wants to know?
I'm Donald Zajac, internal Revenue Service.
I'm the widow LeBec.
Mrs. LeBec, do you own this bar?
Get out of here. Do I look like I own this bar?
Frankly, no.
But someone with an income of $1.3 million
obviously isn't a cocktail waitress.
Don, is that you?
Hey, Peterson, how are you doing?
All right, buddy.
Hey, you think Carla owns this place?
That's some kind of major snafu, pal.
What have you got, one of those American-made computer?
I guess you're right, Norman.
If she made that kind of money, why would she dress like this?
These are my good clothes.
I even got my hair done.
The thought that Carla could ever pull down a million bucks
is absolutely nuts.
All the tips she's ever made in her life wouldn't amount to that,
even if she did report it, you know what I mean?
Well, carry on.
I think you'd better come with me, Mrs. LeBec,
and get your receipts.
And they all better be genuine.
I'm going to get you, Norm.
I don't care if they put me in solitary confinement
with nothing but bread and water.
I'll survive, because I got a mission, get Norm Peterson!
You remember, I got friends on the outside!
By the way, Carla, no charge.
Rebecca, honey...
You didn't come to my seminar. I was surprised.
Is something going on?
I just couldn't face you, Alice...
...not with all you've been through, and I knew it was my fault.
What are you talking about?
- Sam. - Malone, right?
Right. I sent him over to your hotel to straighten things out.
Did you two clear the air?
Yes we did. And then we steamed it up again.
I don't get this.
You are Alice Anne Volkman, my mentor.
He is...
...Sam Malone. He's nothing. He's a bartender.
Listen, honey, you should do so well at my age.
Come to think of it, you should do so well at your age.
You're probably right. I mean, you always did know best.
But then again, I mean, you went to bed with Sam,
so that makes...
Ah, I'm just so confused.
Rebecca, slow down.
Take a deep breath.
Close your eyes,
and get a handle on your feelings.
All right.
On one hand, I'm a little disappointed with you for what you've done.
But on the other hand, I mean, I think, well, hell, it's your life.
I mean, you know what you want...
- Rebecca, choose. - You're a slut!
Very good.
That's the first time I've ever heard you take a stand
without worrying about offending someone.
You're a soulless pig of a rotten slut!
Slut!
Now I'm offended.
I'm sorry. I take it all back.
Oh, don't do that. I was just beginning to respect you.
Oh... slut.
Now you're just trying to kiss up.
Oh, by the way, I read your paper on President Carter.
I liked it very much.
You did? Thank you.
In fact I gave you an "A."
Thank you.
Hey, prof.
I'm giving you an A-plus.
Thank you.
Hey, have a nice, safe flight.
See you spring break.
It's an inside joke.
Last night, we broke a few springs.
Sam, I have this overwhelming feeling of liberation.
- Yeah? - No, I just told my mentor...
...she was a slut.
Now, I don't care what other people think.
I know what's important now is what I think.
And I know I'm as smart as anyone else.
You're a lot smarter than I am.
I didn't know he was a peanut farmer that long.
Man, this has been a hell of a couple of days, hasn't it?
You know, but everything turned out for the best for everybody.
You know, I learned a really good lesson about life.
And I think Alice had a good time
with, you know, stuff you and she were doing all the time.
And...
And then of course, you got all that great business information from her!
Yeah, actually, I never did get any advice from her.
She kept saying she was going to give it to me,
but then we ended up in bed...
After she said she was going to give it to me the next day,
but we ended up in bed again.
You know, she never really told me anything.
Now she's gone.
Well, it's still been a hell of a couple of days.
That slut.