1 00:00:01,460 --> 00:00:04,463 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:06,590 For tonight? 3 00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:10,594 Yeah. Well, sure. I guess I can come up with something. 4 00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,305 Well, what's the problem there, Wood? 5 00:00:13,472 --> 00:00:15,891 Well, my theater group's auditioning for our spring production. 6 00:00:16,058 --> 00:00:18,227 They want us each to get up and perform. 7 00:00:18,393 --> 00:00:19,645 Got any suggestions? 8 00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:21,813 Why don't you do a dramatic monologue? 9 00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:24,441 I hear Shakespeare's quite good. 10 00:00:24,608 --> 00:00:28,570 Or perhaps a classic like Rostand's Cyrano de Bergerac. 11 00:00:28,737 --> 00:00:31,114 Well, how about Richard II? 12 00:00:31,281 --> 00:00:32,824 "This royal throne of kings, 13 00:00:32,991 --> 00:00:34,076 this scepter'd isle, 14 00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:36,161 this earth of majesty, 15 00:00:36,328 --> 00:00:37,829 this seat of Mars, 16 00:00:37,996 --> 00:00:39,581 this other Eden... 17 00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:41,667 Demi-paradise..." 18 00:00:41,833 --> 00:00:43,669 And so forth, you know. 19 00:00:43,835 --> 00:00:46,463 All right! 20 00:00:46,630 --> 00:00:49,424 Yes, I assayed the role at university. 21 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:51,260 Well, I played Cyrano in college. 22 00:00:51,426 --> 00:00:52,469 Yeah. 23 00:00:52,636 --> 00:00:55,472 "My soul, be satisfied with flowers, 24 00:00:55,639 --> 00:00:57,641 with fruit, with weeds even, 25 00:00:57,808 --> 00:00:59,643 but gather them 26 00:00:59,810 --> 00:01:01,728 in the one garden you may call your own." 27 00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:11,321 "This precious stone set in the silver sea, 28 00:01:11,488 --> 00:01:14,241 which serves it in the office of a wall 29 00:01:14,408 --> 00:01:16,326 or as a moat defensive to a house, 30 00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:18,996 against the envy of less happier lands, 31 00:01:19,162 --> 00:01:21,999 this blessed plot, this earth, this realm... 32 00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,167 This England." 33 00:01:32,384 --> 00:01:34,011 "I am too proud 34 00:01:34,177 --> 00:01:36,179 to be a parasite. 35 00:01:36,346 --> 00:01:38,390 And in my nature wants the germ that grows 36 00:01:38,557 --> 00:01:40,517 towering to heaven like the mountain pine, 37 00:01:40,684 --> 00:01:43,186 or like the oak, sheltering multitudes. 38 00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:46,189 I stand, not high it may be, 39 00:01:46,356 --> 00:01:48,275 but alone." 40 00:01:51,278 --> 00:01:54,489 Hey, thank you Mr. Colcord, Dr. Crane. 41 00:01:54,656 --> 00:01:56,575 But I think I'm just going to go with what I had planned. 42 00:01:56,742 --> 00:01:59,369 - What's that, Wood? - This. 43 00:03:30,252 --> 00:03:33,380 Hey, guys, I'm in the chorus 44 00:03:33,547 --> 00:03:35,298 of our theater's spring musical. 45 00:03:35,465 --> 00:03:36,550 - Hey, very good. - Well done. 46 00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:39,052 Was it the butt walk that did it? 47 00:03:42,514 --> 00:03:43,557 Well, it must be. 48 00:03:43,724 --> 00:03:45,934 All the other butt walkers got in, too. 49 00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:50,147 A guy who could pull his lower lip up over his nose 50 00:03:50,313 --> 00:03:52,524 got one of the leads. 51 00:03:54,151 --> 00:03:56,403 What's the musical you're doing? 52 00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,238 We're dusting off one of the old classics. 53 00:03:58,405 --> 00:04:00,866 Matter of fact, I got to start boning up on the period. 54 00:04:01,032 --> 00:04:02,993 Really? I love the classic musicals. 55 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:05,078 Which one you doing? Oklahoma? South Pacific? 56 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:08,206 No. Something called, Hair. 57 00:04:10,667 --> 00:04:12,836 Hey, Dr. Crane, what was it like 58 00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:15,005 to be alive during the 1960s? 59 00:04:16,757 --> 00:04:18,383 Well, I don't remember much, Woody. 60 00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:20,385 I was too busy taming the West. 61 00:04:21,887 --> 00:04:22,888 Woody. 62 00:04:24,222 --> 00:04:26,349 - Are you really doing Hair? - Yeah. 63 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,268 How do you feel about doing that nude scene? 64 00:04:28,435 --> 00:04:30,479 What are you talking about, Miss Howe? 65 00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:32,230 The nude scene. 66 00:04:32,397 --> 00:04:34,149 I was in a production of Hair when I was in college. 67 00:04:34,316 --> 00:04:35,901 There is this very famous scene 68 00:04:36,067 --> 00:04:37,861 where everybody takes off their clothes. 69 00:04:38,028 --> 00:04:41,114 Come on, Miss Howe, it's not like I just fell off the turnip truck. 70 00:04:42,657 --> 00:04:44,201 That happened years ago. 71 00:04:45,327 --> 00:04:47,996 Now back then, I might have believed this nude scene business. 72 00:04:48,163 --> 00:04:49,956 Actually, I guess I would have believed anything 73 00:04:50,123 --> 00:04:51,792 after being dragged 300 yards 74 00:04:51,958 --> 00:04:54,336 down a gravel road into a rosebush. 75 00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:59,883 Jeez, Woody, do you have any fond memories of childhood 76 00:05:00,050 --> 00:05:01,510 that you can cling to? 77 00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:04,137 The roses smelled nice. 78 00:05:06,932 --> 00:05:10,101 Woody, I'm not kidding. There is a nude scene. 79 00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:12,270 There it is, it's right at the end of act one. 80 00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:13,522 It's a very famous number. 81 00:05:13,688 --> 00:05:15,524 Everybody takes off all their clothes. 82 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:17,192 Come on, Miss Howe, if everybody gets naked in this thing, 83 00:05:17,359 --> 00:05:19,319 how come they put me in charge of the costumes? 84 00:05:19,486 --> 00:05:21,863 Ah, got me there, Woody. 85 00:05:23,698 --> 00:05:25,617 Hi, guys. 86 00:05:25,784 --> 00:05:27,244 Hey, sweetheart. 87 00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:28,829 Hey, how'd the reading of Eddie's will go? 88 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:30,163 Well, fine. 89 00:05:30,330 --> 00:05:32,582 It took this long to read Eddie's will? 90 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,709 Yeah. Well, Eddie named 91 00:05:34,876 --> 00:05:37,379 one of his hockey buddies executor of the will. 92 00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,840 - So the whole thing took a while. - Why? 93 00:05:40,006 --> 00:05:42,300 He forgot where he put it. 94 00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:45,053 Pretty tough on you, huh? 95 00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:46,805 Well, I'm comforted to know that he left 96 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:49,349 his other widow Gloria a hundred bucks. 97 00:05:49,516 --> 00:05:51,226 And I got the rest of his estate. 98 00:05:51,476 --> 00:05:53,353 Well, that's great. What did you get? 99 00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,230 I got the bill from his funeral, 100 00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:57,732 I got the bill from his headstone, 101 00:05:57,899 --> 00:06:00,902 and all in all, I ended up with a big fat nothing. 102 00:06:01,069 --> 00:06:03,238 It sounds like the other widow made out better than you did. 103 00:06:03,405 --> 00:06:05,073 Well, yes and no. 104 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:06,992 She got the hundred bucks. but when she wasn't looking, 105 00:06:07,158 --> 00:06:09,703 I copped her coat. What do you think? Huh? Huh? 106 00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:16,126 Hey. Give me back my coat, 107 00:06:16,293 --> 00:06:18,169 or I'm leaving with your pants. 108 00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,088 All right, Carla, give her the coat. 109 00:06:25,844 --> 00:06:28,388 Why are you shaking like that? 110 00:06:28,555 --> 00:06:30,640 You walk all the way over here in the cold? 111 00:06:30,807 --> 00:06:34,269 I had to. My car keys were in my coat pocket. 112 00:06:34,436 --> 00:06:37,230 Not anymore, I dropped them in the nearest mailbox. 113 00:06:37,397 --> 00:06:40,233 You'll get them in six to eight weeks. 114 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:43,987 Listen, if you're still ticked off 115 00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:46,865 about the hundred bucks, you can choke on it. 116 00:06:47,032 --> 00:06:49,200 It's mine. Eddie gave it to me. 117 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,286 Look, I slept with the guy. 118 00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:54,205 I made love to him. I earned at least 50. 119 00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:59,377 Yeah, well, I don't see you giving me any of the stuff he gave you. 120 00:06:59,544 --> 00:07:01,171 I am perfectly willing to give you 121 00:07:01,338 --> 00:07:03,256 half of everything Eddie left me. 122 00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:04,841 That'd be half of his debts 123 00:07:05,008 --> 00:07:06,885 and half of his funeral and headstone bills, 124 00:07:07,052 --> 00:07:09,137 which should work out to somewhere in the neighborhood 125 00:07:09,304 --> 00:07:11,473 of 620 bucks. 126 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:17,270 Here's the 50. Keep the coat. 127 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:19,606 Thank you. It's nice doing business with you. 128 00:07:19,773 --> 00:07:22,233 Well, I know you'd give me half of whatever Eddie left you. 129 00:07:22,400 --> 00:07:24,694 I would. Absolutely. My word of honor. 130 00:07:24,861 --> 00:07:27,614 Hey, come on, let's go fish those keys out of the mailbox. 131 00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:30,283 You know, how do you break into those things? 132 00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:31,826 Oh. Piece of cake. 133 00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:34,496 - First I got to hold you by the ankles, see? - Right. 134 00:07:37,874 --> 00:07:41,086 Hey, Miss Howe, I'm on page 30. No one's gotten nude yet. 135 00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:43,922 Woody, there is a nude scene in Hair. No one could miss it. 136 00:07:45,340 --> 00:07:47,342 - Oh, no! - Not even Woody. 137 00:07:48,551 --> 00:07:50,887 Sorry, Miss Howe. I just broke a glass. 138 00:07:51,054 --> 00:07:52,597 I'll clean it up in a second, all right? 139 00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:55,225 Ha ha. Nude scene. 140 00:07:56,267 --> 00:07:57,852 Oh, hey, Woody, you dropped your script. 141 00:07:58,019 --> 00:07:58,979 Hope I didn't lose your place. 142 00:07:59,145 --> 00:08:00,522 I think you were right around this nude scene. 143 00:08:00,689 --> 00:08:01,856 Oh, thanks. 144 00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:13,868 Got any Michelob down there, Woody? 145 00:08:14,035 --> 00:08:15,745 Checking, Sam. 146 00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,330 Wood, how much longer 147 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:18,498 are you going to keep this up? 148 00:08:18,665 --> 00:08:20,792 Till I get used to it. 149 00:08:24,838 --> 00:08:27,632 Dr. Crane says if I can get undressed a little bit at a time 150 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:29,551 in a place where I feel safe and secure, 151 00:08:29,718 --> 00:08:32,178 then pretty soon, I can get naked anywhere. 152 00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:36,057 You're making progress, huh, Wood? 153 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:39,310 You bet. I mean, I'm still scared, cold, 154 00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,104 and self-conscious as all get-out, 155 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:43,773 but I did pick up an extra 50 in tips. 156 00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:44,941 Hey. 157 00:08:46,484 --> 00:08:47,485 Man. 158 00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:50,947 It's interesting is, as human beings, 159 00:08:51,114 --> 00:08:53,450 the most evolved species of the animal kingdom, 160 00:08:53,616 --> 00:08:55,118 we should assign such Victorian notions 161 00:08:55,285 --> 00:08:56,494 as guilt and shame 162 00:08:56,661 --> 00:08:58,913 to something as beautiful as the human body. 163 00:08:59,080 --> 00:09:02,917 You know, even Lilith, for example, still gets undressed in the dark. 164 00:09:03,084 --> 00:09:04,461 Oh, come on. 165 00:09:04,627 --> 00:09:06,838 A woman with all Lilith's psychiatric training 166 00:09:07,005 --> 00:09:08,715 Still has hang-ups about nudity? 167 00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:12,302 Actually, it was my suggestion. 168 00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,560 Hi, guys. 169 00:09:20,727 --> 00:09:22,729 How do you like my hair? 170 00:09:22,896 --> 00:09:25,940 Oh, it's just stunning. What, did you get a new rake? 171 00:09:26,107 --> 00:09:29,569 For your information, Gloria did my hair, 172 00:09:29,736 --> 00:09:31,154 and I did hers. 173 00:09:31,321 --> 00:09:33,406 Yeah? Where's Gloria now? 174 00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:34,866 She's at the beauty parlor 175 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,785 trying to get some color back into hers. 176 00:09:36,951 --> 00:09:38,870 I don't know went wrong. 177 00:09:39,037 --> 00:09:41,581 I mean, that stuff worked great on those old jeans, you know. 178 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,750 You know, Carla, the last time 179 00:09:43,917 --> 00:09:45,251 you and Gloria got together, 180 00:09:45,418 --> 00:09:47,128 the two of you were at each other's throats. 181 00:09:47,295 --> 00:09:48,797 I mean, all of a sudden, 182 00:09:48,963 --> 00:09:51,257 you're palling around like you were Mutt and Jeff. 183 00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:52,842 You being Jeff, of course. 184 00:09:55,637 --> 00:09:57,347 We're not exactly palling around. 185 00:09:57,514 --> 00:09:58,848 She's just staying at my place 186 00:09:59,015 --> 00:10:01,059 Until she goes back to Kenosha. 187 00:10:01,226 --> 00:10:02,936 Carla, you got a letter here. 188 00:10:03,103 --> 00:10:04,896 Looks kind of official. 189 00:10:07,565 --> 00:10:10,610 You know what? I would venture to say 190 00:10:10,777 --> 00:10:13,279 That Carla has finally found a friend. 191 00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,907 It sort of put me in mind of the relationship 192 00:10:16,074 --> 00:10:17,367 you seem to have with Cliff, Norm. 193 00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:18,493 Yeah. 194 00:10:18,660 --> 00:10:20,703 Hey, where is he tonight, anyway? 195 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:23,623 I don't know. He said something about going to the hospital. 196 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:25,166 Bring me another beer, Sam? 197 00:10:27,043 --> 00:10:29,254 All right, all right! 198 00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:32,382 I'll give him a call, or I'll stop by, 199 00:10:32,549 --> 00:10:35,385 or I'll ask him about it when he comes back. 200 00:10:35,552 --> 00:10:38,555 Hey, listen to this, everybody. 201 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:42,517 Apparently, the ice show Eddie skated in 202 00:10:42,684 --> 00:10:44,394 had an accidental death policy, 203 00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:46,563 and I'm Eddie's beneficiary, 204 00:10:46,729 --> 00:10:51,776 which is to say that Carla Lozoponl Tortelli LeBec 205 00:10:51,943 --> 00:10:56,990 is now worth a cool $50,000. 206 00:10:57,157 --> 00:10:58,158 What?! 207 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,577 It means I'm rich, I'm telling you! I'm rich! 208 00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,871 I'm rich! I'm rich! 209 00:11:04,497 --> 00:11:06,207 I'm rich! I'm rich! 210 00:11:06,374 --> 00:11:07,500 I'm rich! I'm rich! 211 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:08,960 Sam, I'm rich! 212 00:11:09,127 --> 00:11:10,044 Oh, my God, I'm rich! 213 00:11:10,211 --> 00:11:11,880 I'm rich. Oh! 214 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,549 I can't believe this! Look at you! 215 00:11:14,716 --> 00:11:17,093 Can you imagine what you can buy with $25,000? 216 00:11:17,260 --> 00:11:19,345 Twenty-five? I said 50! 217 00:11:19,512 --> 00:11:21,931 I'm rich! Come here, you big lug! 218 00:11:22,098 --> 00:11:23,641 I'm rich! 219 00:11:30,565 --> 00:11:34,485 Well, hold it. The whole point is, honey... 220 00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:38,656 Listen to me. 221 00:11:38,823 --> 00:11:42,452 You made an agreement there to split the estate with Gloria. 222 00:11:42,619 --> 00:11:43,745 Who? 223 00:11:45,205 --> 00:11:46,623 Gloria. 224 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:49,709 - Gloria? - Yeah. 225 00:11:49,876 --> 00:11:51,628 Oh... 226 00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:54,130 Poor Gloria. 227 00:11:54,297 --> 00:11:56,716 Poor Gloria... 228 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:59,302 ...is not here right now 229 00:11:59,469 --> 00:12:02,722 and must never, ever find out. 230 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,642 Wait a minute, Carla, this doesn't seem exactly right. 231 00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:08,353 Okay, then try this. 232 00:12:08,519 --> 00:12:11,522 Poor Gloria, who isn't here right now 233 00:12:11,689 --> 00:12:13,483 to see me buy a round of beers 234 00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,068 for all my friends. 235 00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:16,653 To poor Gloria! 236 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:29,999 For she's a jolly good fellow 237 00:12:30,166 --> 00:12:34,170 Which nobody can deny 238 00:12:34,671 --> 00:12:36,422 Carla, another round, please. 239 00:12:36,589 --> 00:12:37,966 Bite my Francis. 240 00:12:38,132 --> 00:12:41,594 For she's a tightfisted widow 241 00:12:41,761 --> 00:12:43,513 For she's a tightfisted-- 242 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,431 Hey, come here, listen. 243 00:12:45,598 --> 00:12:47,308 $50,000 is a lot of money. 244 00:12:47,517 --> 00:12:48,810 You sure you don't want to split that 245 00:12:48,977 --> 00:12:50,270 with your best pal? 246 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:51,896 Oh, you mean Gloria? 247 00:12:52,063 --> 00:12:53,273 Look, it's her own fault. 248 00:12:53,439 --> 00:12:54,315 If she'd been here two minutes ago, 249 00:12:54,482 --> 00:12:56,025 she'd have got a free beer. 250 00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:58,152 Carla, we were all witnesses when you gave your word of honor 251 00:12:58,319 --> 00:13:00,488 that you'd split anything he left you 50-50. 252 00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:02,240 My word of honor? 253 00:13:02,407 --> 00:13:04,450 If you don't shut up, I'll split you 50-50. 254 00:13:04,617 --> 00:13:06,494 Carla, you're getting defensive. 255 00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:08,538 I have a feeling that maybe deep down inside, 256 00:13:08,705 --> 00:13:10,373 you're beginning to feel a little bit guilty. 257 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:13,543 Hey, look, if I feel guilty, it's my business. 258 00:13:13,710 --> 00:13:15,044 Well, all right, suit yourself. 259 00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:17,630 It's the worst thing a person can do, keep guilt inside. 260 00:13:17,797 --> 00:13:20,883 Has an insidious way of bringing itself to the surface. 261 00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:22,427 Sure, what do you think's going to happen? 262 00:13:22,593 --> 00:13:23,886 Suddenly I'm going to come down with 263 00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,847 a severe case of the shakes? 264 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:28,099 Yes, exactly my point. 265 00:13:28,266 --> 00:13:30,560 Well, I did it on purpose, you quack. 266 00:13:32,687 --> 00:13:34,147 Hey, guys. 267 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:35,481 Here I go. 268 00:13:35,648 --> 00:13:37,483 Off to my dress rehearsal. 269 00:13:39,485 --> 00:13:42,739 Dress rehearsal. What bitter irony. 270 00:13:45,950 --> 00:13:47,368 Now listen, Woody, 271 00:13:47,535 --> 00:13:49,329 when you take off your clothes on that stage, 272 00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:50,705 it's not exhibitionism. 273 00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:51,956 You are becoming a part 274 00:13:52,123 --> 00:13:53,916 of the rich heritage of the theater. 275 00:13:54,083 --> 00:13:56,127 You're joining a continuum that stretches back 276 00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,963 from Shakespeare to the Greeks to the Romans 277 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:02,216 and all the way back into the endless mists of time. 278 00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:05,261 Gee, I never thought about it that way, Dr. Crane. 279 00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:08,806 Really? I had. 280 00:14:10,350 --> 00:14:12,477 Well, maybe I am making too much of this. 281 00:14:12,643 --> 00:14:15,772 You know, it's not like they're forcing us to take our clothes off. 282 00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,900 In fact, the director said that we only have to take our clothes off 283 00:14:19,067 --> 00:14:21,527 if the spirit moves us. 284 00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,029 Well, what's your problem? 285 00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:26,324 You know, we are, after all, born naked, Woody. 286 00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:28,993 And it's man's natural state. 287 00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:31,996 I mean, you and I are both naked underneath our clothes. 288 00:14:32,163 --> 00:14:34,916 Dr. Crane, you're a married man. 289 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:40,046 Perhaps I'd do better 290 00:14:40,213 --> 00:14:42,548 to have a little chat with this gentleman here. 291 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:48,888 Hey, Norm, 292 00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,431 did you ever find out what happened to Cliff ie? 293 00:14:50,598 --> 00:14:52,308 Yeah, yeah. It turns out it was the hospital. 294 00:14:52,475 --> 00:14:54,727 He had a little minor surgery. 295 00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,438 No big deal. Yeah, he'll be back in a couple days. 296 00:14:57,605 --> 00:14:59,690 - How's he feeling? - I'll tell you what, 297 00:14:59,857 --> 00:15:01,901 he's on the phone there. Why don't you ask him yourself. 298 00:15:13,704 --> 00:15:16,082 Cliff ie, is that you? 299 00:15:17,583 --> 00:15:19,585 Hey, well-- 300 00:15:19,752 --> 00:15:22,296 Oh, yeah, yeah, I bet it does hurt 301 00:15:22,463 --> 00:15:24,215 to have those things cauterized, yeah. 302 00:15:37,562 --> 00:15:38,563 Hi, Carla. 303 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:41,524 Look, I got my hair back to its original shade. 304 00:15:41,691 --> 00:15:43,109 - Great. - Yeah. 305 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:46,696 They had stuff left over, so they did my purse to match. 306 00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:52,201 I got one done for you, too. Here, catch. 307 00:15:52,368 --> 00:15:54,412 See you back at your house. 308 00:16:00,376 --> 00:16:02,044 Well, that was nice of Gloria. 309 00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:06,340 Now, every time you open your purse, you can think about her. 310 00:16:06,507 --> 00:16:09,510 Just leave me alone. I got work to do, okay? 311 00:16:34,035 --> 00:16:36,662 Sam, did we send something to Woody for opening night? 312 00:16:37,330 --> 00:16:38,414 Yeah. As a matter of fact, 313 00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,208 we were going to send him flowers and candy, 314 00:16:40,374 --> 00:16:41,417 but that's so impersonal. 315 00:16:41,584 --> 00:16:43,503 We sent him a very nice wristwatch. 316 00:16:43,669 --> 00:16:45,046 A watch? 317 00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:47,590 Seventeen jewels, leather band. 318 00:16:48,591 --> 00:16:50,259 - Yeah. - How much did that cost? 319 00:16:50,426 --> 00:16:51,594 Actually, nothing. 320 00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:54,347 We got it out of the lost and found. 321 00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:56,641 And it had been in there 30 days, okay? 322 00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:59,185 It was under a lot of stuff, but... 323 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:03,523 Can we get a couple beers, miss? 324 00:17:03,689 --> 00:17:04,565 Yeah, couple beers, Sam. 325 00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:07,777 Coming up here, sweetheart. 326 00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:09,278 How are you feeling, huh? 327 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:10,863 Fine. Fine. No problem. 328 00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,741 Everything is perfectly okay with me. 329 00:17:13,908 --> 00:17:16,160 Good. There you go. 330 00:17:21,457 --> 00:17:24,293 That'll be three bucks. 331 00:17:32,301 --> 00:17:33,427 Come here. 332 00:17:33,594 --> 00:17:36,013 This has been going on for a week 333 00:17:36,180 --> 00:17:37,306 and it's not getting any better. 334 00:17:37,473 --> 00:17:39,308 Now I think we all know 335 00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:41,102 why you're shaking like this. I mean, admit it. 336 00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:43,938 You're walking around carrying a very big load. 337 00:17:44,105 --> 00:17:46,857 You bet, and I got it strapped around me in cash. 338 00:17:47,024 --> 00:17:50,152 No. I meant guilt. 339 00:17:50,319 --> 00:17:53,489 Really? Wow, can I see it? 340 00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,869 Well, my friends, 341 00:17:59,036 --> 00:18:02,999 you have missed a once-in-a-lifetime landmark evening 342 00:18:03,165 --> 00:18:06,460 in the history of community theater. 343 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,087 Did Woody chicken out? 344 00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:10,423 Oh, no, indeed. 345 00:18:12,675 --> 00:18:15,720 Why didn't you stop me, Mr. Peterson? 346 00:18:15,886 --> 00:18:17,972 Why didn't anybody stop me? 347 00:18:18,139 --> 00:18:19,724 Woody, what happened? 348 00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:21,851 Well, last week during rehearsal I kept thinking, 349 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:24,729 "Why am I the only one who's afraid to get naked? 350 00:18:24,895 --> 00:18:27,690 Why am I the only one who's ashamed?" 351 00:18:27,857 --> 00:18:30,359 So tonight when I got out in front of that audience, 352 00:18:30,526 --> 00:18:32,278 I ripped off every stitch of clothing. 353 00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:33,779 And I looked around and I thought, 354 00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:36,616 "Why am I the only one who's naked?" 355 00:18:42,997 --> 00:18:45,416 Well, maybe nobody noticed, Wood. 356 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:49,295 Oh, they noticed, Sam. 357 00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,339 As if that wasn't bad enough, 358 00:18:51,505 --> 00:18:53,799 I heard this high-pitched scream from the audience, 359 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,053 "Hey, look. He's the only one who's naked." 360 00:18:57,219 --> 00:18:59,847 Sorry, Wood. You took me by surprise. 361 00:19:06,020 --> 00:19:08,397 Well, at least the evening wasn't a total disaster. 362 00:19:08,564 --> 00:19:11,233 I was really touched by this nice watch you guys gave me. 363 00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,693 I needed one, too. 364 00:19:12,860 --> 00:19:15,196 I lost one just like it about a month ago. 365 00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:23,412 Can I have a beer? 366 00:19:23,579 --> 00:19:24,789 Yeah. Beer, Sam. 367 00:19:26,415 --> 00:19:27,416 Look at this, Sam. 368 00:19:27,583 --> 00:19:29,168 I don't need the use of my hands. 369 00:19:29,335 --> 00:19:30,711 I rigged my tray 370 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:32,963 so I can do my job perfectly. 371 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:47,687 That's my beer? 372 00:19:47,853 --> 00:19:49,772 Yeah. Take it yourself. 373 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:52,775 And don't forget my tip. 374 00:19:52,942 --> 00:19:55,736 If you're going to put it in there that far, 375 00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,947 there'd better be a ring with it. 376 00:20:02,618 --> 00:20:05,830 Well, I'm perfectly okay, Sam. 377 00:20:05,996 --> 00:20:07,456 I think I'm going to make it. 378 00:20:07,623 --> 00:20:10,167 I just have to hang in there for another three days, 379 00:20:10,334 --> 00:20:14,422 and Gloria will be on that bus back to Kenosha, 380 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:15,923 and all my problems will be solved. 381 00:20:16,090 --> 00:20:17,299 Now wait a minute, are you saying that 382 00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:18,759 it's her fault that you're shaking? 383 00:20:18,926 --> 00:20:20,094 Of course she is. 384 00:20:20,261 --> 00:20:22,263 It's all part of her fiendish plan. 385 00:20:23,681 --> 00:20:26,267 Why would she have a fiendish plan? 386 00:20:26,434 --> 00:20:29,145 Because she knows all about the insurance money. 387 00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:30,688 How do you know she knows? 388 00:20:30,896 --> 00:20:32,106 Because she acts like she doesn't know! 389 00:20:32,273 --> 00:20:33,691 That's how I know she knows. 390 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:36,944 Do you want to hear an example 391 00:20:37,111 --> 00:20:41,115 of what this cruel woman is trying to do to break my spirit? 392 00:20:41,323 --> 00:20:42,992 She's being nice. 393 00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:45,703 You know what she did last night? 394 00:20:45,870 --> 00:20:48,289 She did eight loads of laundry, 395 00:20:48,456 --> 00:20:50,541 and I don't have a washer and dryer. 396 00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,003 Carla. 397 00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:58,007 Carla, what are you doing here? 398 00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:01,093 I told you to stay home today. 399 00:21:01,260 --> 00:21:02,470 I've been worried sick 400 00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,221 about the way you've been shaking. 401 00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:08,100 I want you to go home right now and get some rest. 402 00:21:08,267 --> 00:21:12,188 I left a pot of minestrone on the stove. 403 00:21:12,354 --> 00:21:14,690 Are you from Hell? 404 00:21:14,899 --> 00:21:17,902 And I don't want you to worry about missing your pay here, 405 00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:20,237 because I'm going to finish your shift. 406 00:21:20,446 --> 00:21:23,365 You are from Hell. She is, she's from Hell, Sam. 407 00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,326 - From Hell. - Calm down-- 408 00:21:25,493 --> 00:21:27,953 No! No! Don't touch me! Don't touch me! 409 00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:29,830 You know about the money! Admit it! 410 00:21:29,997 --> 00:21:31,207 You know! I know you know! 411 00:21:31,415 --> 00:21:33,375 Oh, why are you torturing me like this? 412 00:21:33,542 --> 00:21:36,545 All right, all right, here it is. Here it is. 413 00:21:36,712 --> 00:21:40,591 Here's half of the 50,000 bucks from Eddie's insurance money. 414 00:21:40,758 --> 00:21:43,552 Here. Take it! 415 00:21:43,803 --> 00:21:46,639 Eddie had insurance money? 416 00:21:46,806 --> 00:21:48,682 I didn't know that. 417 00:21:48,849 --> 00:21:51,101 Give me that! 418 00:21:55,064 --> 00:21:56,190 Oh, my God. 419 00:21:56,357 --> 00:22:00,027 Oh, the hell with it. Here. Take it. 420 00:22:04,532 --> 00:22:07,827 Great. I'm not shaking anymore. 421 00:22:07,993 --> 00:22:10,287 I can go back to hustling drinks. 422 00:22:10,454 --> 00:22:11,956 Oh, joy. 423 00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:17,169 So that's why you were shaking? 424 00:22:17,336 --> 00:22:20,047 Because your conscience was bothering you, 425 00:22:20,214 --> 00:22:21,757 and now out of the goodness of your heart, 426 00:22:21,924 --> 00:22:23,133 you're giving me all this money 427 00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:25,302 even though it's rightfully yours? 428 00:22:25,469 --> 00:22:26,804 That's right, Gloria. 429 00:22:27,805 --> 00:22:29,932 What a chump. 430 00:22:30,099 --> 00:22:32,601 What? 431 00:22:32,768 --> 00:22:35,354 Just because of a little shaking. 432 00:22:35,521 --> 00:22:40,150 Huh. No wonder Eddie wanted another wife. 433 00:22:49,159 --> 00:22:51,954 I don't care what she says. 434 00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:56,792 I know in my heart that I did the right thing. 435 00:22:58,878 --> 00:23:02,631 - Besides, I still got 25,000 bucks. - Yeah. 436 00:23:02,798 --> 00:23:04,967 I mean, that can buy a lot of things, you know? 437 00:23:05,134 --> 00:23:08,137 Yeah, you bet. You know, I'm proud of you, too. 438 00:23:08,304 --> 00:23:09,763 So what are you going to buy first? 439 00:23:11,682 --> 00:23:13,642 A big, expensive car, 440 00:23:13,809 --> 00:23:16,353 so the next time I see her, 441 00:23:16,520 --> 00:23:18,814 I can run the slut down.