1 00:00:01,585 --> 00:00:04,129 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:08,175 --> 00:00:09,134 Sam! 3 00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:11,803 Ha! Doug Aducci! 4 00:00:12,304 --> 00:00:14,223 Hey, guys, look at this, it's Doug Aducci, 5 00:00:14,389 --> 00:00:16,391 one of the best damn umpires in the American League. 6 00:00:16,558 --> 00:00:19,603 And Sam here was one of the best, uh... 7 00:00:19,770 --> 00:00:21,939 groomed pitchers in the American League. 8 00:00:22,814 --> 00:00:24,900 Sit down here. I can't believe this. 9 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:27,778 Last time I saw this guy, we were playing the Yankees. 10 00:00:27,986 --> 00:00:29,446 You were behind the plate. 11 00:00:29,613 --> 00:00:31,865 Ninth inning, I was on the mound, up by one. 12 00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,867 He calls ball four on Munson, 13 00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:36,578 next guy up is Chambliss, knocks one right out of the park. 14 00:00:37,079 --> 00:00:39,581 Not that I care, man, but, you know, that was a strike. 15 00:00:39,748 --> 00:00:42,125 If I called it a ball, it was a ball, Sam. 16 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,087 It was right at the knees. 17 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:46,255 Must have been low. 18 00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:49,883 No! No, man, you gave me the same pitch on Roy White. 19 00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:53,554 That was 1975, Sam, it's over. 20 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,390 The point is that Chambliss should never have come up. 21 00:00:56,598 --> 00:00:59,059 Look, Malone, I said it was over! 22 00:00:59,309 --> 00:01:02,020 All I'm asking, Aducci, if that's your real name 23 00:01:02,187 --> 00:01:03,647 is that you be consistent for God's sake. 24 00:01:03,814 --> 00:01:05,107 I mean, it was my livelihood. 25 00:01:05,274 --> 00:01:07,276 That's enough, Malone! Go get my drink. 26 00:01:07,484 --> 00:01:09,111 - Get your own drink! - What? 27 00:01:09,278 --> 00:01:11,154 You heard-- what, are you hard of hearing, too? 28 00:01:11,321 --> 00:01:14,491 - That's it! You're outta here! - You'd throw me out for that? 29 00:01:14,658 --> 00:01:15,909 Take a hike, Malone, right now! 30 00:01:16,118 --> 00:01:18,787 I'll take a hike, but not before I do this! 31 00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:21,915 You stupid... I can't believe it! 32 00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,881 Eh, it may have been a strike. 33 00:01:30,048 --> 00:01:32,301 I was going through a divorce that year. 34 00:02:49,252 --> 00:02:50,671 Morning, everybody. 35 00:02:50,837 --> 00:02:51,797 Norm! 36 00:02:51,963 --> 00:02:54,675 - Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? - The warranty on my liver. 37 00:02:56,551 --> 00:02:57,594 Oh, Sammy, 38 00:02:57,761 --> 00:02:59,763 this town is going down the tubes, I tell you. 39 00:02:59,930 --> 00:03:00,889 Why do you say that? 40 00:03:01,056 --> 00:03:03,266 Well, they're installing parking meters up there. 41 00:03:03,433 --> 00:03:06,061 You'll have to carry a big pocketful of change. 42 00:03:06,228 --> 00:03:08,230 It's going to ruin the line of my pants. 43 00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,483 I'll have to go up there every two hours, 44 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,110 feed the damn meter. 45 00:03:13,276 --> 00:03:15,320 You want me to tell you when two hours is up, Mr. P? 46 00:03:15,487 --> 00:03:16,530 No, I'll know, Woody. 47 00:03:16,697 --> 00:03:18,031 Every 87 sips. 48 00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,954 I don't accept that, Frasier. This shouldn't be happening. 49 00:03:24,121 --> 00:03:26,832 Lilith, I warned you on the night that we conceived Little Frederick 50 00:03:26,998 --> 00:03:29,918 that raising a child would not be all roses and rainbows. 51 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,420 No, as I recall, 52 00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:33,505 the exact words you uttered that night were, 53 00:03:33,672 --> 00:03:35,465 "Who cares about the next 20 years? 54 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:36,758 Let's get nasty." 55 00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:42,472 It's just like you to miss the inner meaning. 56 00:03:43,807 --> 00:03:44,516 You guys okay? 57 00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:47,436 We've just received some very sobering news. 58 00:03:47,602 --> 00:03:50,814 You're gonna have to feed that meter just like everybody else, Dr. Crane. 59 00:03:53,358 --> 00:03:54,484 Yes, Woody. 60 00:03:54,651 --> 00:03:58,196 Well, the other thing that has us so distraught 61 00:03:58,363 --> 00:04:00,115 is our son's development. 62 00:04:00,782 --> 00:04:03,827 Frederick is nearly a year old and has yet to speak his first word. 63 00:04:03,994 --> 00:04:05,912 Since we were both so concerned, 64 00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,498 we decided to have our little man evaluated 65 00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:11,084 by a colleague who specializes in child development. 66 00:04:11,251 --> 00:04:12,419 Oh, what did he say? 67 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:13,962 He confirmed our worst fears. 68 00:04:15,005 --> 00:04:16,006 Frederick is... 69 00:04:17,174 --> 00:04:18,216 average. 70 00:04:19,885 --> 00:04:20,927 Goodness! 71 00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,263 It's not funny. 72 00:04:23,430 --> 00:04:24,181 Oh, really, Lilith, 73 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:26,808 you didn't expect any sympathy here in Mayberry, did you? 74 00:04:28,560 --> 00:04:30,896 Frasier, two people as gifted as we are 75 00:04:31,062 --> 00:04:32,731 were never meant to have an average baby. 76 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:34,191 It's so unjust. 77 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,651 Well, it's not the end of the world, my love. 78 00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:38,904 So he won't be as erudite as his parents. 79 00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:41,615 He can still lead a happy, normal life 80 00:04:41,782 --> 00:04:42,824 like the rest of these people. 81 00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:44,785 And the new record, 53! 82 00:04:48,079 --> 00:04:49,790 - It's your fault, Lilith! - What? 83 00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:52,459 Yes! Obviously, you have an inferior gene pool! 84 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:53,668 Me? 85 00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:57,130 Well, I didn't have a grandfather who was a butter-and-egg man in New Jersey! 86 00:04:58,507 --> 00:04:59,841 Mother warned me. 87 00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:03,220 You'd say you love me, but sooner or later, you'd bring that up. 88 00:05:03,386 --> 00:05:06,014 Lilith... Lilith, I'm sorry. 89 00:05:06,181 --> 00:05:08,391 My grandfather wasn't even in America at that time. 90 00:05:08,558 --> 00:05:10,894 If he had been, he wouldn't be hawking butter and eggs. 91 00:05:13,772 --> 00:05:14,606 Hi, guys. 92 00:05:14,773 --> 00:05:15,524 - Hey. - Hey. 93 00:05:15,690 --> 00:05:16,566 Oh, hi, Miss Howe. 94 00:05:16,733 --> 00:05:19,528 You got a letter here from Mr. Colcord. 95 00:05:19,694 --> 00:05:21,029 Oh, thanks, Woody. 96 00:05:21,196 --> 00:05:22,531 It smells like cinnamon. 97 00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:24,616 Yeah, Robin's working in the bakery now. 98 00:05:24,783 --> 00:05:26,243 They put him in charge of sticky buns. 99 00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,745 So what's the word from our man in the pokey? 100 00:05:30,038 --> 00:05:30,914 "Dear Rebecca, 101 00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,707 I miss you very much. 102 00:05:32,874 --> 00:05:35,210 The days go by so slowly here. 103 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:38,296 I lie on my cot and dream about your..." 104 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:40,632 Dream about your what? 105 00:05:40,799 --> 00:05:42,801 Face. My smile. 106 00:05:42,968 --> 00:05:44,261 My pleasant demeanor. 107 00:05:45,887 --> 00:05:47,305 Come on, what does it say? 108 00:05:47,472 --> 00:05:49,474 You guys, this is private. 109 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:50,433 I don't want to read it to you. 110 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,143 I'd be happy with just the verbs. 111 00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:56,648 Hey, get a load of this pencil sketch of her demeanor. 112 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,400 Come on, Carla. 113 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,777 How can life be so unfair? 114 00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:04,406 They put this sweet, wonderful, dirty man behind bars... 115 00:06:04,573 --> 00:06:06,324 without conjugal visits. 116 00:06:06,491 --> 00:06:09,119 Three years I saved myself for a man, 117 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:10,579 and what did I end up with? 118 00:06:10,745 --> 00:06:13,331 A two-month window of sex. 119 00:06:13,498 --> 00:06:16,167 You know, when my brother was in the army, 120 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:17,961 he used to visit Amsterdam all the time. 121 00:06:18,128 --> 00:06:21,339 He said they have a window of sex on every block. 122 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:24,926 Yeah... 123 00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:28,430 I saved the letters. You might like them, Miss Howe. 124 00:06:30,432 --> 00:06:31,683 No thanks, Woody. 125 00:06:31,850 --> 00:06:32,851 Okay, Miss Howe. 126 00:06:33,518 --> 00:06:35,562 No hurry on those letters, Mr. Clavin. 127 00:06:41,776 --> 00:06:44,195 Frasier, would you like to hear my theory 128 00:06:44,362 --> 00:06:46,323 as to why Frederick is not progressing 129 00:06:46,489 --> 00:06:47,741 as well as he should? 130 00:06:47,908 --> 00:06:51,036 Something tells me I wouldn't, my love. 131 00:06:51,202 --> 00:06:53,705 Woody, two more drinks, please. 132 00:06:53,872 --> 00:06:55,206 It's both our fault. 133 00:06:55,373 --> 00:06:57,792 We don't spend enough time with him. 134 00:06:57,959 --> 00:06:59,336 We're too busy with our careers. 135 00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:01,129 He's being raised by a housekeeper. 136 00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,924 There's no consistency in his life. 137 00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:07,385 I agree, Lilith. As you know, we rarely agree, as you're a behavior a list 138 00:07:07,552 --> 00:07:08,887 and I'm a strict Freudian, 139 00:07:09,054 --> 00:07:12,474 but it does make for some hot, angry sex 140 00:07:12,641 --> 00:07:14,517 in the boudoir, I don't have to tell you. 141 00:07:16,061 --> 00:07:17,437 I wish you hadn't. 142 00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:21,983 Let's face facts. 143 00:07:22,150 --> 00:07:23,985 We should let the housekeeper go. 144 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,154 One of us should be with our child at all times. 145 00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:28,949 The only question is, which one? 146 00:07:29,115 --> 00:07:30,367 Well, you, of course. 147 00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:33,203 Why me, of course? Because I'm the woman? 148 00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:35,580 Why is the man's work automatically more important? 149 00:07:35,747 --> 00:07:38,458 I'm making great breakthroughs in my current research project. 150 00:07:38,625 --> 00:07:40,794 Yes, well, damn me to an eternity driving a Yugo, 151 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,003 but I make more money than you. 152 00:07:42,170 --> 00:07:45,757 I write more books in one year than you read, Frasier. 153 00:07:45,924 --> 00:07:48,301 Yes, well, I have many degrees! 154 00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:50,637 I'll settle this. 155 00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,348 Let's pick an arbitrary way to make the decision. 156 00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:56,601 All right, whoever has the most freckles on their arm 157 00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:58,269 stays home with the baby. 158 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,523 I think that's an excellent way to choose. 159 00:08:01,690 --> 00:08:04,150 Oh, you would say that, you have no pigmentation in your skin. 160 00:08:05,527 --> 00:08:08,029 For God's sake, what are we arguing about, 161 00:08:08,196 --> 00:08:09,864 who should stay home with our child? 162 00:08:10,031 --> 00:08:12,367 It's not a punishment, it's an honor. 163 00:08:12,534 --> 00:08:14,953 I'd love to. I'd be delighted to stay home 164 00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:16,121 and nurture my child. 165 00:08:16,287 --> 00:08:18,957 Oh, Lilith, you role-play the mother so well. 166 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:22,419 If we can't make a commitment to be with our child at all cost, 167 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:23,670 - who can? - I agree. 168 00:08:24,295 --> 00:08:27,090 The most important thing is to be with Frederick during his formative years. 169 00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,216 Say, I have a thought. 170 00:08:28,383 --> 00:08:31,469 In celebration of this realization, we'll have dinner together tonight, 171 00:08:31,636 --> 00:08:32,595 just the two of us. 172 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:34,097 And Frederick. 173 00:08:34,264 --> 00:08:35,140 Of course. 174 00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:37,017 Oh-- oh! Did you want to come? 175 00:08:43,314 --> 00:08:46,067 Afternoon again, everybody. 176 00:08:46,234 --> 00:08:47,360 - Norm! - Norm! 177 00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:48,903 What'll you have this time, Norm? 178 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:52,115 A cow if I have to climb those stairs one more time. 179 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:54,743 I am sick of this. 180 00:08:54,909 --> 00:08:57,162 Every two hours, it's up the stairs 181 00:08:57,328 --> 00:08:58,663 and down to the corner, 182 00:08:58,830 --> 00:09:00,915 over to the meter, put the coin, down the stairs... 183 00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,834 At least you're getting exercise, huh, Mr. P? 184 00:09:03,001 --> 00:09:04,753 I get my exercise, Woody. 185 00:09:04,919 --> 00:09:06,546 What, do you think I just hop off the bar stool 186 00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,381 and bam, there's the bathroom? 187 00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:12,761 Not at all. It's way down the hall, Woody. 188 00:09:14,471 --> 00:09:15,638 Hey, Rebecca, 189 00:09:15,805 --> 00:09:17,515 totaled up those receipts from last night? 190 00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:19,893 Rebecca! 191 00:09:20,060 --> 00:09:20,852 Huh? 192 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,062 Receipts. 193 00:09:22,228 --> 00:09:23,688 Oh, no. 194 00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:27,525 It's 3:00. What have you been doing all day? 195 00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,986 I've been writing this reply to Robin's letter. 196 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:32,072 Hey, come--hey write that on your own time, will you? 197 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,115 For goodness sake, How you going to get work done 198 00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:35,617 if all you do is think about sex? 199 00:09:35,784 --> 00:09:37,494 I don't know, Sam. How do you do it? 200 00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,790 I'm a boy. That's my job. 201 00:09:43,708 --> 00:09:45,710 Fine. I'll get your receipts. 202 00:09:45,877 --> 00:09:49,047 Hey, Sam, don't you think you were a little tough on Miss Howe? 203 00:09:49,214 --> 00:09:51,049 I mean, she's hardly ever happy. 204 00:09:51,216 --> 00:09:53,968 So what if she was late totaling up some dumb old receipts? 205 00:09:55,470 --> 00:09:57,514 Maybe you're right. Maybe I was a little tough on her. 206 00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,016 Sam, is this all the vermouth we have? 207 00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:01,518 Rebecca's supposed to order some more. 208 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:02,602 She probably forgot. 209 00:10:02,769 --> 00:10:04,479 Well, now that's just tops. 210 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,981 Hey, Miss Howe, 211 00:10:07,148 --> 00:10:08,483 you were supposed to order more vermouth! 212 00:10:08,650 --> 00:10:09,984 We pay you for an eight-hour day! 213 00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:11,569 We expect eight hours! 214 00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:16,324 Sometimes I wonder, Sam. What are they thinking? 215 00:10:19,452 --> 00:10:20,370 Good afternoon, everyone. 216 00:10:20,537 --> 00:10:23,248 Sam, just a quick iced tea. 217 00:10:23,414 --> 00:10:25,792 I've got my obsessive-compulsive group to preside over. 218 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,877 You can imagine how punctual they are. 219 00:10:29,087 --> 00:10:30,338 What time does it start? 220 00:10:30,505 --> 00:10:31,256 Well, now. 221 00:10:31,422 --> 00:10:34,843 Boy, the next 15 minutes are really going to drive them bonkers, 222 00:10:35,927 --> 00:10:38,054 But that's exactly what they need. 223 00:10:38,221 --> 00:10:41,850 Dr. Crane, I've got some messages here from Mrs. Dr. Crane. 224 00:10:42,016 --> 00:10:43,309 Yes, Woody. 225 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,104 She called to say she thinks Freddy might have a diaper rash 226 00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:48,398 and she can't find the A & D Ointment. 227 00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:51,693 And then she called back to say she found the ointment, 228 00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,903 but would it be better to use talcum powder? 229 00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:56,781 And then she called back to say never mind, 230 00:10:56,948 --> 00:10:59,033 she's just going to leave the diaper off 231 00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:01,161 and let Freddy air out his little bottom. 232 00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:06,207 And then she called one last time to ask where the carpet cleaner is. 233 00:11:09,085 --> 00:11:10,420 Oh, my God. 234 00:11:11,421 --> 00:11:12,130 Everything okay? 235 00:11:12,297 --> 00:11:13,882 Oh, everything's fine, Sam. 236 00:11:14,048 --> 00:11:14,716 We just made one horrible mistake. 237 00:11:14,883 --> 00:11:15,550 What's that? 238 00:11:15,717 --> 00:11:17,677 We left the child alone with its mother. 239 00:11:25,310 --> 00:11:26,477 Carla, you got a minute? 240 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:27,687 What do you need, Becks? 241 00:11:27,854 --> 00:11:30,732 I'm trying to write an appropriate reply to Robin's letter. 242 00:11:31,691 --> 00:11:35,236 Well, I don't seem to be able to express myself. 243 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:37,280 You want to send a "Smut-O-Gram." 244 00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:39,157 And I was wondering if you could you help me 245 00:11:39,324 --> 00:11:41,367 since you're the closest thing to a sailor I know. 246 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:44,829 Step into my office 247 00:11:44,996 --> 00:11:46,831 and rejoice in the filth. 248 00:11:47,957 --> 00:11:50,126 All right. So this is what I've got so far. 249 00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:52,170 "Dear Robin, 250 00:11:52,337 --> 00:11:56,966 I am writing you this letter while lying naked in the tub." 251 00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,760 Let me just stop you right there. 252 00:12:00,970 --> 00:12:05,767 I'm writing you this letter while lying naked on my kitchen table. 253 00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:11,189 That is good. 254 00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:12,774 Well, there's a lot more depth to me 255 00:12:12,941 --> 00:12:14,567 than just being a waitress, you know. 256 00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:19,322 Okay. "Just thinking of you makes me hot." 257 00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:20,823 Oh, no. No. No. 258 00:12:20,990 --> 00:12:22,200 Not hot. 259 00:12:22,784 --> 00:12:24,202 - Write this. - Okay. 260 00:12:24,369 --> 00:12:26,079 I'm on fire. 261 00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:27,205 "Fire." 262 00:12:27,372 --> 00:12:29,540 I'm churning. I'm burning. 263 00:12:30,375 --> 00:12:32,794 I want something, anything. 264 00:12:34,003 --> 00:12:35,880 I reach for a piece of fruit, 265 00:12:36,965 --> 00:12:38,216 an orange... 266 00:12:38,383 --> 00:12:39,717 ripe... 267 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,261 orange... 268 00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:43,221 Big and sweet. 269 00:12:43,388 --> 00:12:46,015 I peel back the skin, 270 00:12:46,182 --> 00:12:50,270 slowly my fingernails tear into the pulp. 271 00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:52,355 The juice runs down my-- 272 00:12:52,522 --> 00:12:54,399 You know, that orange isn't going to work 273 00:12:54,565 --> 00:12:56,401 because the juice burns his ulcers. 274 00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:58,444 Oh, God. 275 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:02,365 Look, if you're not going to get into the spirit of soft porn, 276 00:13:02,532 --> 00:13:04,158 just forget about it. 277 00:13:04,325 --> 00:13:05,576 No, Carla, you're right. 278 00:13:06,744 --> 00:13:08,079 I know. who am I fooling? 279 00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:09,914 I can't write this stuff. 280 00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,834 Besides, what good is a dirty letter? 281 00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:15,837 Just fun words on a piece of paper. 282 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:19,090 You know, you're right. you need your man. 283 00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:21,592 We got to sneak you into that prison 284 00:13:21,759 --> 00:13:23,386 so you can get what you need. 285 00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:24,971 Oh, that's a great idea. 286 00:13:25,138 --> 00:13:27,056 - Yeah, let's go. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute. 287 00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:28,725 I don't know which cell is Robin's. 288 00:13:28,891 --> 00:13:29,976 How will we find him? 289 00:13:30,143 --> 00:13:31,436 It has to be Robin? 290 00:13:34,314 --> 00:13:36,065 There's lots of guys in there. 291 00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,775 You might find someone you like better. 292 00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:38,985 Come on. 293 00:13:41,738 --> 00:13:43,573 It's a minimum security prison. 294 00:13:43,740 --> 00:13:44,824 How hard could it be? 295 00:13:44,991 --> 00:13:47,243 I mean, you're allowed to visit him anytime you want, right? 296 00:13:47,410 --> 00:13:48,202 Yeah. 297 00:13:48,369 --> 00:13:51,080 So what you do is you find some secluded spot. 298 00:13:51,247 --> 00:13:53,458 Oh, you know, the garden area's usually deserted. 299 00:13:53,624 --> 00:13:55,710 Great. Great. I'll stand watch. 300 00:13:55,877 --> 00:13:58,588 You can stay with him as long as you want. 301 00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:00,590 Oh, it shouldn't take long. He's English. 302 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,219 Sam, we're going to be gone for a couple of hours. 303 00:14:05,386 --> 00:14:06,929 Girl stuff. 304 00:14:08,723 --> 00:14:10,516 Girl stuff. Why do they always say that? 305 00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:11,726 What does that mean? 306 00:14:15,355 --> 00:14:18,358 Oh, Sam, I didn't want to know that. 307 00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:23,613 Greetings, all. 308 00:14:23,780 --> 00:14:25,948 The boys are out for an adventure. 309 00:14:27,492 --> 00:14:29,160 I'm glad to see you guys. 310 00:14:29,327 --> 00:14:31,537 Has the little dude said his first word yet? 311 00:14:31,704 --> 00:14:35,083 Well, I thought so, but then I checked my unabridged Oxford English Dictionary 312 00:14:35,249 --> 00:14:37,001 and I was unable to find the word "gak." 313 00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:41,172 Sam, may I have a beer, please? 314 00:14:41,339 --> 00:14:44,175 And could you warm up this formula for my little angel? 315 00:14:45,718 --> 00:14:48,054 Pipe down! You saw me give the bottle to Sam! 316 00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:50,598 Does water just boil instantly? No! 317 00:14:50,765 --> 00:14:52,100 He'll warm it, then you'll get it! 318 00:14:53,726 --> 00:14:55,645 And it'll be yum, yum, yum. 319 00:14:58,356 --> 00:15:01,692 So, uh, going a little rough there, Dr. Mom? 320 00:15:01,859 --> 00:15:03,820 Well, let's just say that since I have become 321 00:15:03,986 --> 00:15:07,865 the primary care giver to Frederick, I have a new-found respect for those 322 00:15:08,032 --> 00:15:09,700 who decide to stay home and dedicate their lives 323 00:15:09,867 --> 00:15:11,202 to the raising of their children. 324 00:15:12,078 --> 00:15:13,704 I have also realized that if I were to do it 325 00:15:13,871 --> 00:15:15,415 for any amount of time, you would soon hear stories 326 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:18,209 of me sitting naked in a tower with a high-powered rifle. 327 00:15:19,210 --> 00:15:20,795 Well, uh... 328 00:15:20,962 --> 00:15:24,715 See, as a rule, your psycho killers don't have families. 329 00:15:26,008 --> 00:15:27,635 Nah, they're loners. 330 00:15:27,802 --> 00:15:29,887 They may have jobs, they're good to their mothers, 331 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:33,850 but by and large, they sit alone at night in a dark room, 332 00:15:34,016 --> 00:15:36,144 writing their depraved thoughts in a diary. 333 00:15:37,645 --> 00:15:38,896 Cliff ie, you keep a diary, don't you? 334 00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:44,318 I, uh, keep a journal, Norm. 335 00:15:44,485 --> 00:15:45,820 A journal! 336 00:15:52,243 --> 00:15:54,829 So, does Lilith know you guys are over here? 337 00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:56,998 Oh, yes. Of course, Sam. 338 00:15:57,165 --> 00:16:01,085 I told her that I was just taking our 11-month-old baby out for a tall one. 339 00:16:02,336 --> 00:16:04,672 The irony is I got myself into this pickle. 340 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,551 I convinced Lilith that with my background and clinical skills, 341 00:16:08,718 --> 00:16:11,554 I should be the one to take primary care of the child, not her. 342 00:16:12,221 --> 00:16:14,056 Naturally, she took it personally. 343 00:16:14,223 --> 00:16:15,933 I was somehow denigrating her competency as a mother. 344 00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:18,311 Boy, look cross-eyed at a woman these days... 345 00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:21,189 So she does know you're here? 346 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:24,233 Well, no. I didn't fill her in on our itinerary 347 00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:25,443 for the entire day. 348 00:16:25,610 --> 00:16:27,236 But she won't question my judgment. 349 00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:30,656 I have assumed complete responsibility for the child. 350 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,284 I see no problem with him being in this environment. 351 00:16:33,451 --> 00:16:35,995 Hey, look, with a cigar in his hand, he looks just like Baby Herman. 352 00:16:43,419 --> 00:16:44,128 If Lilith calls... 353 00:16:44,754 --> 00:16:45,755 we're not here. 354 00:16:54,972 --> 00:16:56,182 Your Colcord should be out here. 355 00:16:57,141 --> 00:17:00,228 Oh, my God. the whole prison's here. 356 00:17:00,394 --> 00:17:01,771 What's going on? 357 00:17:01,938 --> 00:17:04,607 It's one of our inmate's birthdays, Congressman Bailor. 358 00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,859 He's hosting a little barbecue for the men. 359 00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,194 He's from Texas, you know. 360 00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,448 Oh, Man. I don't think I can go through with this here. 361 00:17:12,615 --> 00:17:15,201 The thought of a lot of people being a few feet away 362 00:17:15,368 --> 00:17:18,204 and somebody could discover us at any minute. 363 00:17:18,371 --> 00:17:19,997 You're saying that like it's a bad thing. 364 00:17:21,249 --> 00:17:22,458 Part of me wants to stay here 365 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:24,252 and the other part of me wants to run. 366 00:17:25,127 --> 00:17:27,088 All of me wants to strip down, 367 00:17:27,255 --> 00:17:29,966 lay on the grass, and yell, "fumble." 368 00:17:30,883 --> 00:17:32,051 All right. 369 00:17:33,761 --> 00:17:35,054 I've come this far. 370 00:17:35,221 --> 00:17:38,224 It wasn't the bad investments that ruined my S & I, 371 00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:40,768 it was the free checking accounts. 372 00:17:41,686 --> 00:17:42,895 Robin. 373 00:17:43,062 --> 00:17:44,438 Rebecca, what a surprise. 374 00:17:44,605 --> 00:17:46,691 Hello. Have you met the boys? 375 00:17:46,857 --> 00:17:49,151 No, but I've seen all of you on TV. 376 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,612 Boys, would you excuse us for a moment? 377 00:17:52,363 --> 00:17:53,197 Darling. 378 00:17:53,364 --> 00:17:55,157 Robin, I got your letter. 379 00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:56,534 I hope I didn't go too far. 380 00:17:56,701 --> 00:17:58,077 Did you mean everything you said? 381 00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:00,997 Every word and those little drawings in the margin. 382 00:18:01,163 --> 00:18:02,915 Then I've got a surprise for you. 383 00:18:03,833 --> 00:18:04,959 Becca, wait, um... 384 00:18:05,126 --> 00:18:06,877 there's a party going on here. 385 00:18:07,044 --> 00:18:08,462 Darling... 386 00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:13,259 Rebecca. but, darling, darling-- 387 00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,343 No, no, no. 388 00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:16,262 - We can't. We can't. - No, it's okay. 389 00:18:16,429 --> 00:18:18,347 It's okay. No one will see. 390 00:18:18,514 --> 00:18:20,558 Carla's right over there on the other side standing guard. 391 00:18:23,227 --> 00:18:25,396 Settle down, boys. Settle down. 392 00:18:25,563 --> 00:18:28,190 Darling. Darling, darling. Look, you know, 393 00:18:28,357 --> 00:18:30,943 you know I want you more than anything, but we just can't take the chance. 394 00:18:31,110 --> 00:18:31,944 Why? 395 00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:33,738 I can be quiet. 396 00:18:33,904 --> 00:18:36,616 No, no, no. No, it's not that. 397 00:18:36,782 --> 00:18:38,117 I'd feel insulted if you were, 398 00:18:39,285 --> 00:18:40,995 but I just got wonderful news. 399 00:18:41,162 --> 00:18:42,705 I'm up for early parole next month. 400 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:46,792 See, so I can't do anything that would jeopardize that. 401 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:49,503 And this is one of the few rules. 402 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:51,589 And, you know, while I burn for you, 403 00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:54,675 I must adhere to it, or I'll be here for another year. 404 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:57,970 Now, you do understand that, don't you? 405 00:18:58,137 --> 00:18:59,430 Sure I do. 406 00:18:59,597 --> 00:19:02,683 You don't want to be in jail for another year. 407 00:19:03,184 --> 00:19:05,811 Well, what about my needs? 408 00:19:07,897 --> 00:19:09,732 Carla, we're out of here! 409 00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:15,613 Gee whiz, Cliff. 410 00:19:15,780 --> 00:19:17,448 Why don't you give it up? It's been an hour. 411 00:19:17,615 --> 00:19:19,408 Let's let Frederick have a chance. 412 00:19:20,284 --> 00:19:22,953 If he wants to play with it, let him ask me himself. 413 00:19:25,414 --> 00:19:27,208 Cliff, you know he can't speak yet. 414 00:19:27,917 --> 00:19:29,877 And what a cruel irony that you can. 415 00:19:33,089 --> 00:19:33,964 Norm... 416 00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:36,467 5:00. Time to feed the meter. 417 00:19:36,634 --> 00:19:38,469 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 418 00:19:38,636 --> 00:19:40,262 I have had it, Sam. 419 00:19:40,429 --> 00:19:44,141 No more of this climbing up the stairs every two hours. 420 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,768 You're not leaving me for another bar, are you? 421 00:19:45,935 --> 00:19:47,812 Oh, no. I'm going to sell my car. 422 00:19:50,564 --> 00:19:52,650 5:00 already? We've been here all day. 423 00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:55,736 Time to get the little guy home, huh, Dr. Crane? 424 00:19:55,903 --> 00:19:57,279 Well, Lilith doesn't get home until 6:00... 425 00:19:58,030 --> 00:19:59,198 Say, darts, anyone? 426 00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:00,366 Yeah, sure. 427 00:20:00,533 --> 00:20:01,450 Cliff, you coming? 428 00:20:01,617 --> 00:20:02,868 Yeah, I'll be right there. 429 00:20:03,411 --> 00:20:06,205 Dammit, this thing's harder than the civil service exam. 430 00:20:11,252 --> 00:20:12,586 What a waste. 431 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:13,754 Not for me. 432 00:20:13,921 --> 00:20:15,506 I got 15 dates lined up. 433 00:20:15,673 --> 00:20:17,550 Of course, none of them start for a year. 434 00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:22,555 I got no romance, no satisfaction, no nothing. 435 00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:24,348 Come on, you don't have nothing. 436 00:20:24,515 --> 00:20:26,308 You got a purse full of ribs. 437 00:20:26,475 --> 00:20:27,685 What? 438 00:20:27,852 --> 00:20:29,228 Sure. I took the liberty of filling you up. 439 00:20:30,521 --> 00:20:33,023 The sauce is in the change compartment. 440 00:20:34,525 --> 00:20:35,901 Hey, cheer up. 441 00:20:36,068 --> 00:20:37,528 He said he'll be out in a couple of months. 442 00:20:37,695 --> 00:20:40,072 Yeah, sure. So what am I supposed to do until then? 443 00:20:40,239 --> 00:20:40,990 Tell you what... 444 00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:44,452 There's, uh, some construction workers down the street. 445 00:20:44,618 --> 00:20:46,245 What about you and I go cruising? 446 00:20:47,913 --> 00:20:49,832 No, I can't cheat on Robin. 447 00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:52,793 Man, I thought we were going to be close. 448 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,547 Well, Maybe it wouldn't hurt if we just... 449 00:20:57,715 --> 00:21:00,134 paraded around them and frustrated them a little bit. 450 00:21:00,301 --> 00:21:01,343 There you go. 451 00:21:01,510 --> 00:21:03,304 - Let's do it. - All right. 452 00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,306 Let's spread the pain around. 453 00:21:06,432 --> 00:21:07,433 Where you guys going? 454 00:21:07,600 --> 00:21:09,185 Girl stuff. 455 00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:16,525 Hello, Sam. 456 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:18,152 Hey, Lilith. 457 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:19,820 Query. 458 00:21:19,987 --> 00:21:23,282 If I had a problem and needed to talk to someone about it, 459 00:21:23,449 --> 00:21:25,409 would it be perpetuating a stereotype 460 00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:27,203 to actually select a bartender? 461 00:21:27,369 --> 00:21:28,746 Well, that depends. 462 00:21:28,913 --> 00:21:29,747 On what? 463 00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,165 On what you just said. 464 00:21:33,918 --> 00:21:35,753 I feel like a failure. 465 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:38,839 A failure as a mother, ergo as a woman and a person. 466 00:21:41,258 --> 00:21:43,260 Do you make a drink for failures here at Cheers? 467 00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,346 Hold on a sec. Phil, what are you drinking? 468 00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:47,223 - A Manhattan. - Manhattan. 469 00:21:53,729 --> 00:21:54,730 You know... 470 00:21:55,940 --> 00:21:58,734 Sweetheart, I'd bet my bottom dollar that you're a pretty good mom. 471 00:21:59,276 --> 00:22:03,906 Yes, well, considering that endorsement comes from a perennial Peter Pan 472 00:22:04,073 --> 00:22:06,951 with no sense of maturity or obligation, 473 00:22:07,117 --> 00:22:09,954 you'll excuse me if I don't leap over the bar, embrace you, 474 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:11,914 and say, "really, Sam, you think so?" 475 00:22:13,207 --> 00:22:15,751 Well, glad I could be there for you. 476 00:22:16,502 --> 00:22:17,461 I'm sorry. 477 00:22:18,546 --> 00:22:21,590 Perhaps I'm just bitter because Frasier is succeeding with our son 478 00:22:21,757 --> 00:22:22,508 where I failed. 479 00:22:23,300 --> 00:22:26,512 He is indeed a better influence on my precious baby. 480 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:27,721 Hey, guess what, everybody. 481 00:22:27,888 --> 00:22:29,974 Little Frederick beat Cliff at darts! 482 00:22:31,475 --> 00:22:32,393 Frasier! 483 00:22:32,560 --> 00:22:33,435 Uh-oh. 484 00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:35,312 What are you doing here? 485 00:22:36,313 --> 00:22:37,815 I didn't give my son to you 486 00:22:37,982 --> 00:22:40,359 so you could run off and spend the day in a bawdy house! 487 00:22:40,526 --> 00:22:42,403 Yes, well, my little chopped salad, 488 00:22:42,570 --> 00:22:45,364 I mean, we just got here, what, 10 minutes ago. 489 00:22:45,531 --> 00:22:46,740 You're lying. 490 00:22:46,907 --> 00:22:48,325 Well, yes, I'm lying. 491 00:22:48,492 --> 00:22:51,245 But I thought that Frederick might enjoy himself. 492 00:22:51,412 --> 00:22:53,330 Enjoy himself in a bar? 493 00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:54,582 He's 11 months old. 494 00:22:54,748 --> 00:22:56,834 What kind of values can he learn here? 495 00:22:57,001 --> 00:22:59,712 Well, I thought the place had a lot to offer. 496 00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:02,882 Oh, please. He'll never learn to speak in this environment. 497 00:23:03,799 --> 00:23:04,675 Afternoon, everybody. 498 00:23:04,842 --> 00:23:06,051 Norm! 499 00:23:16,645 --> 00:23:19,523 He said, "Mommy!"