1 00:00:01,585 --> 00:00:04,463 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:05,797 --> 00:00:06,924 What's going on there? 3 00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:08,800 Appears to be a male lying in the street. 4 00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:10,594 Oh, my God, it's Woody! 5 00:00:10,761 --> 00:00:12,596 Excuse us! Excuse us! Move back, please! 6 00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:14,515 - A doctor coming in. - Woody, are you all right? 7 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,183 Don't move me! Don't move me! 8 00:00:16,350 --> 00:00:17,684 Don't move him! Somebody get help! 9 00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:18,852 [Horn honks] 10 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:21,688 Straighten her out, Sam. 11 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,441 Thanks, Woods. 12 00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:40,559 Hey, Carla, you'll never believe what I found in the storage closet. 13 00:01:40,726 --> 00:01:42,102 This great old foosball table. 14 00:01:44,021 --> 00:01:46,356 Yeah, I was pretty excited, too. 15 00:01:46,523 --> 00:01:50,235 This foosball table is evil. It's cursed. 16 00:01:50,402 --> 00:01:51,486 What are you talking about? 17 00:01:51,653 --> 00:01:55,574 One day, it mysteriously appeared in the alley out back. 18 00:01:56,241 --> 00:01:58,577 From the moment we started to play it, 19 00:01:58,744 --> 00:02:01,580 this place turned from a nice local tavern 20 00:02:01,747 --> 00:02:04,875 into a seething pit of resentment and back-stabbing. 21 00:02:05,042 --> 00:02:07,794 Oh, so that's how it happened. 22 00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:14,217 I'm telling you, things got ugly around here. 23 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:18,513 One time, the ball flew out and hit Clavin in the eye 24 00:02:18,680 --> 00:02:20,015 for no earthly reason. 25 00:02:20,182 --> 00:02:21,600 It was funny. 26 00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:24,645 But it was spooky. 27 00:02:25,771 --> 00:02:29,691 That's when I realized that this is an evil foosball table. 28 00:02:30,567 --> 00:02:31,985 Why didn't you get rid of it? 29 00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:34,404 Well, we tried to throw it away. 30 00:02:34,571 --> 00:02:37,282 The trash man who picked it up, slipped, 31 00:02:37,449 --> 00:02:39,368 and fell backward into traffic. 32 00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,704 I'll never forget his last words... 33 00:02:43,789 --> 00:02:45,040 "What the--" 34 00:02:52,297 --> 00:02:55,384 Well, it's not exactly "The Telltale Heart," 35 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:58,387 but, it's a pretty good story. 36 00:02:59,429 --> 00:03:00,639 Gee, Carla. had no idea. 37 00:03:00,806 --> 00:03:01,973 I'll put it right back. 38 00:03:02,140 --> 00:03:04,935 Hey, Cliff ie, check it out. the foos table. 39 00:03:05,102 --> 00:03:07,938 Too late. It has risen from its resting place 40 00:03:08,105 --> 00:03:10,649 to feed upon the fat and middle-aged. 41 00:03:12,901 --> 00:03:14,444 Uh, Sam... 42 00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:17,572 Oh, hey, hon. How very nice to see you again. 43 00:03:17,739 --> 00:03:19,825 - You're lying, aren't you? - Yes, I am. 44 00:03:21,410 --> 00:03:23,745 Mr. Hill, I just had lunch up at your restaurant, 45 00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:26,289 and the risotto with bay scallops and fennel, 46 00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:28,959 ugh, I think it was the most delicious thing I've ever had to eat. 47 00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:31,253 - We'll name it for you. - Thank you. 48 00:03:31,420 --> 00:03:33,839 Hey, come here. I hate this guy. 49 00:03:34,005 --> 00:03:35,340 What are you kissing up to him for? 50 00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:38,176 I'm not kissing up, Sam. I like the food. 51 00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,011 Sam, you don't have to be jealous. 52 00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:42,931 You are a very handsome businessman, 53 00:03:43,098 --> 00:03:45,183 and you own the hottest spot in town. 54 00:03:45,350 --> 00:03:46,935 Oh, thank you very much. 55 00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,603 That's kissing up. 56 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:55,026 Sam, I think we both know why I'm here. 57 00:03:55,193 --> 00:03:57,946 I bet you want the number to my hair stylist, don't you? 58 00:03:58,905 --> 00:04:01,366 I'm sorry. Now, that was cruel. 59 00:04:05,245 --> 00:04:07,080 Sam, as we both know, 60 00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:09,875 I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms. 61 00:04:10,041 --> 00:04:12,252 Hey, why do you keep repeating that every time you come down here? 62 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:13,503 You're driving me up the wall. 63 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:16,214 That's why. Now, where was I? 64 00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,091 Oh, yes. As you know, 65 00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:21,219 I own legal title to your poolroom and both bathrooms, 66 00:04:21,386 --> 00:04:24,806 and rent on said property is past due since last Wednesday. 67 00:04:24,973 --> 00:04:26,516 I hope you haven't forgotten me, Sam. 68 00:04:26,683 --> 00:04:28,602 Forgotten you, John? I could never forget you. 69 00:04:28,769 --> 00:04:30,937 You're in my bad dreams every night. 70 00:04:31,104 --> 00:04:34,733 You're why I'm in therapy for the first time in my life. 71 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,151 Well, don't forget to mention to your therapist 72 00:04:36,318 --> 00:04:37,944 that I own legal title-- 73 00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:39,446 All right! All right! All right! All right! 74 00:04:41,323 --> 00:04:43,033 I'll write you your stupid check. 75 00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:45,202 Sam, I'm a little hurt. 76 00:04:45,368 --> 00:04:48,121 If you felt the need to see a therapist, why didn't you come to me? 77 00:04:49,080 --> 00:04:51,416 Well, you know, I was looking sort of for a doctor 78 00:04:51,583 --> 00:04:53,710 that, you know, didn't know me so well, 79 00:04:53,877 --> 00:04:57,798 who has, uh, blonde hair and smoky eyes 80 00:04:57,964 --> 00:04:59,299 and wears miniskirts 81 00:04:59,466 --> 00:05:01,760 and crosses her legs all the time. 82 00:05:02,677 --> 00:05:05,472 Oh. Connie Forsythe. A fine doctor. 83 00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:06,431 Yeah. 84 00:05:06,598 --> 00:05:07,390 She'll straighten you out. 85 00:05:07,557 --> 00:05:08,391 Oh, she did. 86 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:11,645 Here's my personal check. 87 00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:12,938 You'll notice that I made it out 88 00:05:13,104 --> 00:05:14,731 to John "You Stink" Hill. 89 00:05:16,233 --> 00:05:18,610 Sam, this is not up to your usual standards. 90 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:20,612 Now it is. 91 00:05:22,113 --> 00:05:24,783 Man, I can never get the guy. 92 00:05:24,950 --> 00:05:26,868 I hate him! Just once I would like to do something 93 00:05:27,035 --> 00:05:28,286 that gets under his skin. 94 00:05:28,453 --> 00:05:29,579 Sam, forget him. He's gone. 95 00:05:29,746 --> 00:05:31,581 No, he's not gone. There's no escaping the guy. 96 00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,458 I mean, I walk down my own hallway, 97 00:05:33,625 --> 00:05:35,210 and I know that I'm on his turf. 98 00:05:35,377 --> 00:05:37,295 I can't even go to the damn bathroom without getting mad. 99 00:05:37,462 --> 00:05:38,713 Oh, you, too, Sammy? 100 00:05:42,050 --> 00:05:44,678 You know something? I'm out of here. 101 00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,848 I'm going to go see Dr. Forsythe. I got to get this out of my system. 102 00:05:48,014 --> 00:05:48,974 Are you going to talk to her about it? 103 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:50,851 No, I'm going to get it out of my system. 104 00:05:54,813 --> 00:05:56,898 Excuse me. Are you Mr. Malone? 105 00:05:57,065 --> 00:05:57,774 Yeah. 106 00:05:57,941 --> 00:06:00,443 Well, there seems to be a problem with this check. 107 00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:02,988 Oh, what, I just made a joke-name up. Big deal. 108 00:06:03,154 --> 00:06:04,489 All he has to do is make sure 109 00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:06,950 he endorses it John "I Stink" Hill. 110 00:06:07,576 --> 00:06:09,995 No, Mr. Malone. You made it out for too much. 111 00:06:10,161 --> 00:06:11,329 You added an extra zero. 112 00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:16,001 Oh. well, thank you very much. 113 00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,378 I'm surprised someone as nice as you 114 00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:20,672 works for that baldheaded jackass. 115 00:06:20,839 --> 00:06:22,132 Oh, I don't work for him. 116 00:06:22,299 --> 00:06:24,009 I'm the baldheaded jackass' daughter. 117 00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:25,927 Valerie "You Stink" Hill. 118 00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,765 I'm sorry. I never intended 119 00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,810 for anyone to see that except John. 120 00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,437 And all the people at the bank. 121 00:06:35,604 --> 00:06:37,272 Well, yeah. 122 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:40,108 I'll write you another check. 123 00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,070 Valerie, what are you doing down here? 124 00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,323 I asked you never to come down here. 125 00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:51,620 I just wanted to get the right amount on the check. 126 00:06:51,786 --> 00:06:54,789 Well, I was perfectly pleased with the amount as written. 127 00:06:54,956 --> 00:06:56,625 Besides, I don't want you associating 128 00:06:56,791 --> 00:06:58,960 with the element that hangs around in this bar. 129 00:06:59,127 --> 00:07:00,086 Wipe your hands. 130 00:07:02,881 --> 00:07:03,798 Thank you. 131 00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:07,177 Sam. I heard you say you wanted to get 132 00:07:07,344 --> 00:07:08,136 under Mr. Hill's skin. 133 00:07:08,303 --> 00:07:10,138 - Yeah? - Well, I got a way, 134 00:07:10,305 --> 00:07:12,557 but I think it's impossible. 135 00:07:12,724 --> 00:07:15,769 You're thinking that maybe I should date his daughter? 136 00:07:15,936 --> 00:07:17,270 Ha! Great idea. 137 00:07:17,437 --> 00:07:18,813 No, no, no. 138 00:07:18,980 --> 00:07:20,857 If you really want to get under Mr. Hill's skin, 139 00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,151 the best way is we shrink you down 140 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:24,986 to microscopic size, 141 00:07:25,153 --> 00:07:26,780 and then we put you in a syringe 142 00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:28,573 and we inject you right into his arm. 143 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:31,117 But I still say it's impossible. 144 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:32,911 Oh, I love this. This is a great idea. 145 00:07:34,245 --> 00:07:35,080 Aw, great. 146 00:07:35,246 --> 00:07:38,416 Now I got Sam trying to contradict the immutable laws of science. 147 00:07:40,085 --> 00:07:42,420 When am I going to learn to keep my mouth shut? 148 00:07:52,764 --> 00:07:55,016 You know, Sam, I have to confess 149 00:07:55,183 --> 00:07:57,102 I've never really been out with a guy like you before. 150 00:07:57,268 --> 00:07:58,603 I'm afraid I don't even know how to act. 151 00:07:58,770 --> 00:08:00,271 Oh, well, it's really easy. 152 00:08:00,438 --> 00:08:03,066 Shoot me over here a little bit, will you? There you go. 153 00:08:04,401 --> 00:08:07,445 First off, just, you know, adjust your outfit a little bit there. 154 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:08,571 Very good. 155 00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,740 Laugh like hell at everything I say, 156 00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,200 and, oh, yeah, put your hand in my lap. 157 00:08:14,119 --> 00:08:16,037 No, that was not a joke. 158 00:08:17,539 --> 00:08:20,500 Sam, I really feel like I don't know what to say to you. 159 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,794 Well, it doesn't really matter, sweetheart. It just-- 160 00:08:22,961 --> 00:08:26,423 All you got to do is make sure you whisper it right here, 161 00:08:26,589 --> 00:08:28,842 right in my neck. Yeah, there you go. Oh, hi, John! 162 00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:32,595 Boy, I didn't expect to see you here tonight. 163 00:08:32,762 --> 00:08:34,973 Sam, I see you've made friends with my daughter. 164 00:08:35,140 --> 00:08:37,267 Oh, yes, we're very good friends by now, John. 165 00:08:37,434 --> 00:08:41,104 I've discovered how her eyes dance in the light, 166 00:08:41,271 --> 00:08:43,106 how neat her hair smells, 167 00:08:43,273 --> 00:08:45,483 how soft her skin feels. 168 00:08:45,650 --> 00:08:47,986 Modesty prevents me from going on. 169 00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,822 Fine. I'll send the wine steward over. 170 00:08:53,283 --> 00:08:56,661 Sam, I like what you said about my eyes, 171 00:08:56,828 --> 00:08:59,164 but you know I'm wearing contacts. 172 00:08:59,330 --> 00:09:01,541 Hmm? Oh, yeah. I know. 173 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:04,210 I saw them swimming around in there earlier. 174 00:09:08,214 --> 00:09:09,049 Here, here. 175 00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,633 Hey, John, look at this. 176 00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,053 Your daughter and I are sharing food together. 177 00:09:15,305 --> 00:09:17,223 I hope I'm not interrupting, 178 00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,434 but has anybody told you about the specials for tonight? 179 00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:20,894 Oh, it doesn't really matter, John. 180 00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,188 We're just going to have a ton of raw oysters 181 00:09:23,354 --> 00:09:25,732 and then dash out of here all out of breath. 182 00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,944 The oysters are delicious. 183 00:09:31,780 --> 00:09:33,573 What the hell kind of father is he? 184 00:09:34,365 --> 00:09:36,576 Here I am, smelling your hair, talking oysters. 185 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,745 I mean, I could be the biggest creep in the world. 186 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,580 I could be taking you out for all the wrong reasons. 187 00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:41,581 Are you, Sam? 188 00:09:41,748 --> 00:09:43,208 No, of course not. 189 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:46,252 Here. Jump in my lap. There you go. 190 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:50,048 Sam, I'm not sure I feel comfortable sitting in your lap like this. 191 00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:51,716 Hmm? Oh. How's that? 192 00:09:51,883 --> 00:09:53,343 Oh, I like that. 193 00:09:56,763 --> 00:09:58,973 Sam, I wonder if I could speak with you for a moment. 194 00:09:59,349 --> 00:10:00,850 Well, sure, John. 195 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:02,727 Will you excuse me for a minute, Valerie? 196 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:04,562 Oh, do I have to move? 197 00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,856 Usually, but we'll talk about that later. 198 00:10:13,113 --> 00:10:14,155 Yes, John. 199 00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:16,491 Sam, I was thinking, if you're considering dessert, 200 00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:19,327 I'd like to recommend the Grand Marnier soufflé for two. 201 00:10:19,494 --> 00:10:20,703 It's quite elegant. 202 00:10:20,870 --> 00:10:22,163 The only thing is you have to order it 203 00:10:22,330 --> 00:10:23,748 at least a half an hour ahead. 204 00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:26,334 Oh, please don't take her away from me, Sam. 205 00:10:26,501 --> 00:10:28,253 She's the only daughter I've ever had. 206 00:10:28,419 --> 00:10:30,171 Please, Sam. Please. 207 00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:33,341 John, I was just taking her out to annoy you. 208 00:10:33,508 --> 00:10:37,428 I had no idea it would cause such genuine pain. 209 00:10:39,305 --> 00:10:42,142 I'll give you anything you want, Sam. 210 00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:44,561 You want your poolroom and both bathrooms rent-free? 211 00:10:44,727 --> 00:10:47,772 Fine. Just promise me you'll never see Valerie again. 212 00:10:47,939 --> 00:10:50,358 Oh, John, what kind of a guy do you think I am? 213 00:10:50,525 --> 00:10:53,153 How can I go along with a sleazy arrangement like that? 214 00:10:53,319 --> 00:10:54,320 Oh, boy. Oh, boy. 215 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,114 I'll give you my parking space for your Corvette. 216 00:10:56,281 --> 00:10:57,365 Deal. 217 00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,791 I'm telling you guys, it was beautiful. 218 00:11:06,958 --> 00:11:10,086 I now have my poolroom and my bathrooms rent-free, 219 00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:12,964 but, better yet, I had the guy in tears. Look at that. 220 00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:14,924 I got some of them right there on the napkin. 221 00:11:16,676 --> 00:11:18,219 Very nice. Now, what are you going to do 222 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,304 about the date with the girl? 223 00:11:19,470 --> 00:11:21,514 What? Oh, thank you. 224 00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:22,640 Ooh! 225 00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:24,017 I forgot. 226 00:11:26,102 --> 00:11:28,146 Sam, I finished all the oysters, 227 00:11:28,313 --> 00:11:29,814 and I'm feeling kind of funny. 228 00:11:31,608 --> 00:11:32,692 What do you want to do now? 229 00:11:32,859 --> 00:11:35,028 Actually, Val, I'm kind of busy here. 230 00:11:35,195 --> 00:11:37,030 A problem's just come up. 231 00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,824 Something with the kegs here. The kegs are leaking. 232 00:11:39,991 --> 00:11:41,034 What? 233 00:11:41,201 --> 00:11:43,328 He's feeding her a line, stupid. 234 00:11:43,494 --> 00:11:45,580 You don't joke about that kind of thing, ever. 235 00:11:47,498 --> 00:11:50,126 Maybe when you're through here, we can go for a drive. 236 00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:53,671 Oh, I don't know. These kegs are a never-ending problem. 237 00:11:53,838 --> 00:11:55,298 I'm thinking of getting rid of them, actually. 238 00:11:55,465 --> 00:11:58,384 Hey, I don't find this kind of thing funny. Okay? Maybe it's me. 239 00:11:58,885 --> 00:12:00,386 Well, maybe we can do it another time. 240 00:12:00,720 --> 00:12:03,598 I don't... I don't think so. 241 00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,309 I don't think things are working out, Valerie. 242 00:12:07,101 --> 00:12:08,937 All right. 243 00:12:09,687 --> 00:12:10,813 Was it something I did? 244 00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,941 No, no, no, no, no. 245 00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:15,944 You know, some things work out, Some things don't. 246 00:12:17,403 --> 00:12:20,156 This is one of those that just didn't work out. 247 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:22,909 Okay. 248 00:12:23,785 --> 00:12:26,246 Well... bye. 249 00:12:27,163 --> 00:12:28,206 Bye. 250 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,675 I tell you, man, this is the best deal I've ever scammed. 251 00:12:38,841 --> 00:12:41,135 I get my poolroom and my bathrooms rent-free, 252 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:43,513 and all I had to do is throw a little fish back I didn't want anyway. 253 00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,014 Yeah. There you go, Sammy. 254 00:12:45,181 --> 00:12:47,600 Want to go shoot some stick in your poolroom? 255 00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:49,477 No, I don't think so. 256 00:12:49,644 --> 00:12:51,062 Well, how would you like to wash your hands, 257 00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,981 Sam, in your bathroom? 258 00:12:53,147 --> 00:12:54,524 No, no. 259 00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,734 What do you want, Sam? 260 00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,319 I want that little fish back. 261 00:13:15,128 --> 00:13:16,629 - Carla, give us the ball. - No. 262 00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,172 This is an evil game 263 00:13:18,339 --> 00:13:20,383 and it brings a curse on anyone who plays it. 264 00:13:20,550 --> 00:13:22,093 I'm just trying to save you guys. 265 00:13:22,260 --> 00:13:24,679 Oh, come on, Carla. It's just a harmless foosball game. 266 00:13:24,846 --> 00:13:25,805 We're just having fun. 267 00:13:25,972 --> 00:13:27,640 So, look. Here. You drop the ball 268 00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,934 so I can tear the heads off these pasty-faced geeks 269 00:13:30,101 --> 00:13:31,644 and drink their warm red blood. 270 00:13:37,734 --> 00:13:40,403 Did my head just turn completely around, 271 00:13:40,570 --> 00:13:44,324 or was that just a trick of the light? 272 00:13:47,744 --> 00:13:50,538 I can't believe I traded her for bathrooms. 273 00:13:50,997 --> 00:13:53,207 Sam, give me a break. 274 00:13:53,374 --> 00:13:54,792 The only reason you're interested in that girl 275 00:13:54,959 --> 00:13:56,336 is because you can't have her. 276 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:57,795 It was the same thing with me. 277 00:13:59,714 --> 00:14:02,175 You wanted her, too, Miss Howe? 278 00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:08,598 Boy, I've been in this city one month too long. 279 00:14:09,682 --> 00:14:13,519 No, no, Woody. He wanted me because he couldn't have me. 280 00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:16,522 You know, Sam, if I told you right now you could have me, 281 00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:18,107 I bet you wouldn't even be interested. 282 00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:22,236 Maybe, but I'd still perform because I'm a professional. 283 00:14:25,073 --> 00:14:27,700 So, Sammy, what is it now? What are you going to do? 284 00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:29,535 - I'm going to see her again. - Sam, 285 00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,913 if you do that, you may end up having to pay rent again 286 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:33,414 on the poolroom and on the bathrooms. 287 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:34,749 Why is that? 288 00:14:34,916 --> 00:14:36,626 Well, if you take an action, 289 00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:38,711 you have to face the consequences. 290 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:40,546 No, I don't. I'm Sammy. 291 00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:42,340 Where have you been all these years? 292 00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,469 Right. I forgot. You're Nietzsche's Superman. 293 00:14:46,636 --> 00:14:50,473 Oh, yeah. Is that the one with the craggy face that looks like granite? 294 00:14:50,640 --> 00:14:53,643 No, no, no. That's Bizarro Superman. 295 00:14:54,477 --> 00:14:57,105 Wait. Which one was weakened by red Kryptonite? 296 00:14:57,271 --> 00:14:58,606 Blue superman. 297 00:14:58,773 --> 00:15:00,983 I thought he was black and he wore the big hats. 298 00:15:01,150 --> 00:15:02,652 No, that's Superfly. 299 00:15:08,074 --> 00:15:09,409 Woody, come over here a minute. 300 00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:11,869 I want you to run a note up to Valerie for me. 301 00:15:12,036 --> 00:15:14,455 "I'm sorry for everything. would you please go away 302 00:15:14,622 --> 00:15:17,125 with me this weekend. I can't stop thinking about you. Sam." 303 00:15:17,291 --> 00:15:18,167 Take it upstairs. 304 00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,420 Just make sure her father doesn't get this, all right? 305 00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:21,671 No sweat, Sam. 306 00:15:21,838 --> 00:15:25,466 Back in Hanover, I was the official town go-between. 307 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,928 Anytime anybody needed a love note delivered, 308 00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:30,930 they'd call on Woody Boyd. 309 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,932 It got to where all I had to do was knock on a door, 310 00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,518 and my butt was filled with bird shot. 311 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,272 All right. I got the ball. 312 00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:40,898 Foos 'em if you got 'em. Come on. 313 00:15:41,065 --> 00:15:42,275 - Let's go. 314 00:15:42,442 --> 00:15:43,776 Fools! Nonbelievers! 315 00:15:43,943 --> 00:15:46,154 Can't you see what this evil machine has done? 316 00:15:46,320 --> 00:15:47,738 Look, you're trapped. 317 00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,324 You're spending every minute of every day in this bar. 318 00:15:51,325 --> 00:15:52,368 We always do that. 319 00:15:52,702 --> 00:15:55,955 Yeah, but now you're doing it standing up. 320 00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:59,125 Ooh, that is kind of eerie. 321 00:16:01,169 --> 00:16:04,630 Oh, Carla. This machine does not have a demonic capacity. 322 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,633 Even if it did, what could it do to you? It's got a tiny little ball 323 00:16:07,800 --> 00:16:09,886 and it's got these little plastic men. 324 00:16:10,052 --> 00:16:12,013 What, do you suppose that if you stick your hand here 325 00:16:12,180 --> 00:16:13,306 into the goal, it'll bite it off? 326 00:16:16,184 --> 00:16:19,979 See? I'm just playing on your superstitions. 327 00:16:20,563 --> 00:16:21,606 Hey. 328 00:16:21,772 --> 00:16:23,399 Hey, my hand's caught. 329 00:16:24,942 --> 00:16:25,860 No, no, it's really caught. 330 00:16:26,027 --> 00:16:28,196 I know. That's why we're laughing. 331 00:16:31,199 --> 00:16:33,034 Oh, good, Woody, did you deliver the note there? 332 00:16:33,201 --> 00:16:35,912 Uh, yeah. Well, I couldn't find Miss Hill, 333 00:16:36,078 --> 00:16:37,330 so I waited around a while 334 00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:39,040 and ended up leaving with Reuben the busboy. 335 00:16:39,207 --> 00:16:40,458 Oh, good. Thank you, man. 336 00:16:40,625 --> 00:16:42,710 Yeah. He's really looking forward to the weekend. 337 00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,462 He wants to know what he should wear. 338 00:16:47,423 --> 00:16:50,426 Woody. Woody, didn't you tell Reuben that the note was for Valerie? 339 00:16:50,593 --> 00:16:52,720 Sam, I didn't have the heart. 340 00:16:52,887 --> 00:16:55,598 He was so happy, he was walking on air. 341 00:16:57,475 --> 00:17:00,186 Sam, this isn't fair. 342 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,188 It's one thing to string me along, 343 00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:05,399 but our busboy, Reuben, is in a very vulnerable state. 344 00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,694 He just split up with the pastry chef. 345 00:17:08,861 --> 00:17:11,030 No. Valerie, wait. Valerie, wait. 346 00:17:11,197 --> 00:17:13,658 That note wasn't for Reuben. That note was for you. 347 00:17:13,824 --> 00:17:16,786 I don't understand. You just brushed me off. 348 00:17:16,953 --> 00:17:19,497 Oh, no, no. I just had a problem with the kegs there. 349 00:17:19,664 --> 00:17:22,166 Did that seem like a brush-off to you? I'm sorry. 350 00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:25,002 See, I wouldn't know. I've never brushed anyone off before. 351 00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:32,385 Listen, I really like you a lot and I'd like to see you again. 352 00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:34,804 You know, maybe we could go up to the cape for a weekend. 353 00:17:34,971 --> 00:17:37,139 What do you say? I hear it's really nice up there. 354 00:17:37,306 --> 00:17:38,808 I wouldn't know. I've never been there myself. 355 00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:48,025 What do you say? 356 00:17:48,192 --> 00:17:49,235 Gee, it sounds like fun. 357 00:17:49,402 --> 00:17:52,113 Good. All right. Just make sure you don't tell your father, all right? 358 00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:53,739 Good idea. 359 00:17:53,906 --> 00:17:57,660 You know, you may not believe this, but I get the feeling he'd rather I didn't see you. 360 00:17:57,827 --> 00:17:59,036 Oh, well, that's not the problem, really. 361 00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,414 It's just that I don't like to do my romantic stuff in public. 362 00:18:06,168 --> 00:18:07,503 I don't know. You seemed so forward. 363 00:18:07,670 --> 00:18:09,463 You had me sitting on your lap and everything. 364 00:18:09,630 --> 00:18:12,300 I'm sorry. That seemed forward? I wouldn't know, 365 00:18:12,466 --> 00:18:13,843 I've never done anything like that before. 366 00:18:21,809 --> 00:18:22,852 What's wrong with them? 367 00:18:23,019 --> 00:18:25,938 Oh, uh, well, the blonde has bad sinuses. 368 00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,232 The rest of them just have bad attitudes! 369 00:18:36,490 --> 00:18:37,950 I feel so stupid. 370 00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:42,413 I can't believe my hand is stuck in this stupid hole. 371 00:18:43,331 --> 00:18:44,999 Breathe easy, doc. 372 00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:46,917 I brought an expert to help you. 373 00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:48,002 Great. 374 00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:54,175 Okay, Father. Get out your holy water 375 00:18:54,342 --> 00:18:57,428 and cast Satan from that foosball machine. 376 00:18:57,595 --> 00:19:00,139 Carla, I didn't come to perform an exorcism. 377 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,557 I came because you told me 378 00:19:01,724 --> 00:19:03,768 that you had a friend who was thinking of converting. 379 00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:05,645 Oh, he will, Father. 380 00:19:05,811 --> 00:19:07,521 Go with me on this one, Frase. 381 00:19:08,981 --> 00:19:11,984 But first, we have to exorcise this foosball table. 382 00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:15,363 Carla, it may surprise you to learn that since Vatican ll, 383 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:18,240 the church does not accept the existence 384 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:21,452 of satanically possessed amusement machines. 385 00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,748 First you dump Latin, and now this. 386 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:27,708 What do we pay you guys for, anyway? 387 00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:30,711 Well, I know exactly what to do. 388 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:33,214 You relax and put your faith in me. 389 00:19:33,381 --> 00:19:34,632 You do trust me, don't you? 390 00:19:34,799 --> 00:19:36,801 - Absolutely, Father. - Good. 391 00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:42,223 My thumb! 392 00:19:43,391 --> 00:19:47,228 Offer the pain up to God for the poor souls, my son. 393 00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:48,604 What? 394 00:19:48,771 --> 00:19:51,273 I think you just lost one, Father. 395 00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,444 Boy, it was hard sneaking out of there, 396 00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:57,196 but I don't think he saw me. 397 00:19:57,363 --> 00:19:59,699 Good. So you're sure now your father doesn't know? 398 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:01,283 Oh, dad stepped out. 399 00:20:01,450 --> 00:20:03,828 I meant Reuben the busboy. he's still in tears. 400 00:20:05,871 --> 00:20:08,624 I really feel bad about that. Maybe I should send him something. 401 00:20:09,875 --> 00:20:11,961 Why don't we just get up to the car here, all right? 402 00:20:12,128 --> 00:20:14,422 Sam, I'd like to freshen up before we leave. 403 00:20:14,588 --> 00:20:16,257 Oh, well, all right, I'll meet you up at the car. 404 00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:17,967 - Sam. - Yeah? 405 00:20:18,134 --> 00:20:20,261 I like the way your hair smells, too. 406 00:20:20,428 --> 00:20:21,721 Oh. Thank you. 407 00:20:24,890 --> 00:20:26,392 She's really nice, isn't she, Woody? 408 00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,395 Oh, she's really nice... 409 00:20:29,562 --> 00:20:31,939 And sweet and warm and wonderful. 410 00:20:32,106 --> 00:20:34,567 - Yeah? - Yeah. Back in Hanover, 411 00:20:34,734 --> 00:20:36,569 me and my brother used to have a name 412 00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:37,486 for a girl like that. 413 00:20:37,653 --> 00:20:38,320 Yeah, what's that? 414 00:20:38,487 --> 00:20:39,488 Mom. 415 00:20:42,742 --> 00:20:43,534 By the way, Sam, 416 00:20:43,701 --> 00:20:45,244 if I ever catch you anywhere near my mother, 417 00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,496 you better pray that God takes you before I do. 418 00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:52,960 Oh, Sam. I've written up a new agreement 419 00:20:53,127 --> 00:20:55,838 stating that since you've agreed to never see my daughter again, 420 00:20:56,005 --> 00:20:59,425 you now have full use of the poolroom... That's funny. 421 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,469 That looks just like my daughter's suitcase. 422 00:21:01,635 --> 00:21:04,221 No, that's mine. You know what they say at the airport. 423 00:21:04,388 --> 00:21:05,681 "Many bags do look alike." 424 00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:09,101 Isn't that her monogram? VH? 425 00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:12,855 Actually, I think it used to belong to Van HALEN. 426 00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:16,942 Sam, indulge me. 427 00:21:17,943 --> 00:21:19,945 You're telling me this is your suitcase, 428 00:21:20,112 --> 00:21:23,324 so, by extension, would this be your negligee? 429 00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:24,992 All right. The secret's out. 430 00:21:25,159 --> 00:21:27,411 I'm a transvestite, John. 431 00:21:27,995 --> 00:21:29,663 And a size seven? 432 00:21:29,830 --> 00:21:31,415 A guy can dream, can't he? 433 00:21:33,459 --> 00:21:35,795 Sam, you're not a transvestite. 434 00:21:35,961 --> 00:21:37,922 Hey, those are fighting words there, John. 435 00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:41,008 Daddy, you may as well know the truth. 436 00:21:41,175 --> 00:21:44,386 I'm going away with Sam to the cape for the weekend. 437 00:21:45,513 --> 00:21:48,724 I see. Well, since there's nothing I can do about it, 438 00:21:48,891 --> 00:21:50,559 I'll give you my blessing. 439 00:21:50,726 --> 00:21:52,228 Really? 440 00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,271 Darling, I have complete faith in you. 441 00:21:54,438 --> 00:21:56,941 If this is the man you want, that's good enough for me. 442 00:21:57,107 --> 00:22:00,069 Wait, I see what you're doing here. 443 00:22:00,236 --> 00:22:02,363 Yeah. You think... you think that 444 00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:04,824 I just wanted to go out with your daughter because you said that I couldn't, 445 00:22:04,990 --> 00:22:07,535 and now that you say it's okay, you're hoping that I won't want to. 446 00:22:07,701 --> 00:22:09,453 Well, that won't work because I really like her. 447 00:22:09,620 --> 00:22:10,746 So forget it. Come on, Valerie. 448 00:22:10,913 --> 00:22:13,123 - Let's go. - Gee, I don't know, Sam. 449 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,333 What, what? 450 00:22:14,500 --> 00:22:19,463 Well, it seemed really exciting when daddy didn't want me to date you, 451 00:22:19,630 --> 00:22:22,842 but now I don't know. 452 00:22:23,008 --> 00:22:25,344 It just seems like I'd be dating some greasy bartender. 453 00:22:27,721 --> 00:22:28,556 Excuse me? 454 00:22:28,722 --> 00:22:32,476 Well, really, you're not exactly my type. 455 00:22:32,643 --> 00:22:33,936 Honey, don't you see what he's doing? 456 00:22:34,103 --> 00:22:36,272 Please, Sam. Let's not prolong this. 457 00:22:36,939 --> 00:22:39,483 The smell of your hair is making me queasy. 458 00:22:41,610 --> 00:22:44,238 Well, Sam, since you've broken the agreement, 459 00:22:44,405 --> 00:22:46,949 it seems that once again I have legal title 460 00:22:47,116 --> 00:22:49,994 to your poolroom and your bathrooms. 461 00:22:50,160 --> 00:22:53,789 I'll be expecting the rent promptly at the first of every month. 462 00:22:53,956 --> 00:22:55,499 Oh, by the way, 463 00:22:55,666 --> 00:22:57,376 I'm doubling the amount. 464 00:22:57,543 --> 00:22:58,502 Have a good evening. 465 00:22:59,211 --> 00:23:01,380 Oh, he's so bad. 466 00:23:02,298 --> 00:23:04,550 I hate him. I hate his whole family. 467 00:23:04,717 --> 00:23:05,843 I hate everybody he's ever talked to. 468 00:23:06,010 --> 00:23:08,345 You know, I may not be able to take his daughter out 469 00:23:08,512 --> 00:23:09,972 and I may have to pay him his stupid rent, 470 00:23:10,139 --> 00:23:11,724 but I can hit him where it hurts. 471 00:23:11,891 --> 00:23:12,892 Yeah, you know something? 472 00:23:13,058 --> 00:23:14,602 This is the busiest time in his restaurant. 473 00:23:14,768 --> 00:23:15,477 Right. Watch this. 474 00:23:15,644 --> 00:23:18,898 Hey, Reuben, get your coat! We're going dancing!