1 00:00:01,835 --> 00:00:04,463 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:06,965 Okay, Rebecca, here's the deal. 3 00:00:07,132 --> 00:00:09,468 I'll paint the whole office, including woodwork, 4 00:00:09,635 --> 00:00:12,179 and it'll run you... 5 00:00:12,888 --> 00:00:13,805 400. 6 00:00:15,015 --> 00:00:17,935 - 400 bucks sounds reasonable. - No, no, that's 400 beers. 7 00:00:18,685 --> 00:00:22,731 The 'b" with the slanty line through it? It's kind of my own special currency. 8 00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:28,111 It's a deal. Oh, and Norm, remember, 9 00:00:28,278 --> 00:00:29,863 this time Sam wants something really simple. 10 00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:32,741 Oh, yeah. I've got some choices here. 11 00:00:34,159 --> 00:00:39,248 I've got sand white, ivory white, off-white, Navajo white... 12 00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:41,875 - They all look just alike. - Well, they're different. 13 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:44,461 - Are you sure? - Yeah, of course I'm sure. 14 00:00:44,628 --> 00:00:46,755 You think I'm trying to push one color on you? 15 00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:49,174 - I resent that, Rebecca. - I'm sorry. 16 00:00:49,341 --> 00:00:53,095 - No, that one's fine, right there. - Cream white. Excellent choice. 17 00:00:53,262 --> 00:00:54,346 And as luck would have it, 18 00:00:54,513 --> 00:00:56,974 I happen to have 42 gallons of it in my garage. 19 00:02:15,093 --> 00:02:17,471 - Good morning, Sam. - Yeah? What's good about it? 20 00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:21,016 Well, you have your health, a good business, 21 00:02:21,183 --> 00:02:23,560 and friends who put up with your violent mood swings. 22 00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:27,814 I'm sorry. I just got some bad news. 23 00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:31,276 You guys all remember the Miss Boston Barmaid contest? 24 00:02:31,443 --> 00:02:32,444 Oh, yeah. 25 00:02:32,611 --> 00:02:33,987 That's the annual contest where they try to find 26 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,782 the most talented and efficient waitress in Boston, 27 00:02:36,948 --> 00:02:38,533 which, surprise, surprise, 28 00:02:38,700 --> 00:02:41,370 always turns out to be the babe with the biggest honeydews. 29 00:02:42,454 --> 00:02:45,832 Right. Well, this year, they're holding it at Cheers. 30 00:02:45,999 --> 00:02:47,334 - All right! - No, no, no. 31 00:02:47,501 --> 00:02:49,961 No, it's not what you think. They changed all the categories. 32 00:02:50,128 --> 00:02:52,464 Listen to this, "Speed, efficiency, 33 00:02:52,631 --> 00:02:55,967 memorization, personal warmth, courtesy." 34 00:02:56,134 --> 00:02:58,887 I mean, it's like bra size doesn't even exist anymore! 35 00:03:00,722 --> 00:03:02,974 Well, Sam, they're just trying to keep pace 36 00:03:03,141 --> 00:03:05,018 with the current social enlightenment. 37 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,561 How would you like to be judged 38 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:09,314 solely on the basis of your looks and body alone? 39 00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:11,358 I'd love it! I'd win! 40 00:03:12,317 --> 00:03:14,403 The whole contest has gone to hell. 41 00:03:14,569 --> 00:03:17,114 I mean, believe me, I really presented my case 42 00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:18,615 to the contest committee. 43 00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:20,659 I made a graph here. Look at this. 44 00:03:20,826 --> 00:03:25,288 These are the bust measurements of all the winners since 1976, 45 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:28,041 and almost to a woman, they're over a 38. 46 00:03:28,208 --> 00:03:30,210 What's this one that dips way down here? 47 00:03:31,128 --> 00:03:32,838 That's the year Diane won. 48 00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:38,552 It's no good. It's just no good at all. 49 00:03:38,719 --> 00:03:40,679 I think I'm going to write my councilman. 50 00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:44,099 What am I talking about? My councilman's a babe, too! 51 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:46,309 God, the whole world's crowding in on me! 52 00:03:47,185 --> 00:03:49,146 Carla, you gonna try out for this contest? 53 00:03:49,312 --> 00:03:50,480 I don't think so. 54 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:53,024 You heard Sam. It's not about looks this year. 55 00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,199 - Thank you, Woody. - You should do it, Carla. 56 00:04:01,366 --> 00:04:02,868 Look, I know I'm a good waitress. 57 00:04:03,034 --> 00:04:06,663 I don't need some obnoxious dork in a cheap suit telling me I'm the best. 58 00:04:06,830 --> 00:04:09,207 - You are the best. - I just said I didn't need that. 59 00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,212 Besides, even if I did win, what would I get? 60 00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:16,381 A lousy ten bucks and a handshake? 61 00:04:16,548 --> 00:04:18,550 It says here you get a brand-new Mazda Miata. 62 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:20,594 Get out of town! 63 00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:23,638 Just for doing my job? 64 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,562 - I'm going to get myself this Miata! - All right! 65 00:04:31,772 --> 00:04:32,731 A snag. 66 00:04:33,356 --> 00:04:35,776 What about "warmth, personal courtesy"? 67 00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:41,072 What about me shoving this brochure up your nose? 68 00:04:42,699 --> 00:04:43,742 You're a shoo-in. 69 00:04:50,540 --> 00:04:52,834 I couldn't help but notice for the last couple of days, 70 00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,003 you've just been sitting here doing nothing. 71 00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:59,716 Hi. I'm Norm Peterson. Obviously, we haven't met. 72 00:04:59,883 --> 00:05:02,052 - This really bothers me. - What? 73 00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:04,971 You have a job to do, and instead, you're just sitting here 74 00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,766 talking to Cliff all day long. You're not even trying. 75 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:12,145 Rebecca, do you get Cheers? I mean, do you understand the concept? 76 00:05:16,274 --> 00:05:18,235 I want to see some work by the end of today. 77 00:05:18,401 --> 00:05:20,862 If you can't get the job done, I will hire a professional. 78 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:23,156 Oddly enough, that's what Vera said on our honeymoon. 79 00:05:27,786 --> 00:05:30,580 So, how are you going to get out of this one? 80 00:05:30,747 --> 00:05:34,793 Relax, Cliff ie, I got it covered. I have a new industrial paint sprayer. 81 00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,419 It gets the job done in a couple hours. 82 00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,129 Very clever. 83 00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:39,464 It was invented by the Japanese 84 00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:41,633 so they could paint more efficiently and quickly. 85 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,719 Whereas you'll use it to drink more beers, watch more TV, 86 00:05:44,886 --> 00:05:46,638 and put off everything until the very last minute. 87 00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:49,307 Right. You see, they're way ahead of us in technology, 88 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:51,268 but they don't have our creativity. 89 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,815 Hey, Doc, how do you think I look for the contest? 90 00:05:56,982 --> 00:05:58,733 Well, my goodness, Carla, 91 00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,944 - that is a jaunty bow! - Yeah. 92 00:06:02,445 --> 00:06:03,446 Where did you get it? 93 00:06:03,613 --> 00:06:09,077 Well, the first job I ever had was at this greasy spoon when I was 15. 94 00:06:09,870 --> 00:06:13,123 There was this old waitress there named Cora. 95 00:06:13,290 --> 00:06:16,167 She taught me everything I know about waiting tables. 96 00:06:16,334 --> 00:06:18,253 Anyway, on her last day, 97 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:21,339 the day they were carting her off to the nursing home, 98 00:06:21,923 --> 00:06:23,675 she gave me this bow. 99 00:06:23,842 --> 00:06:25,218 She told me to wear it with pride, 100 00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:28,722 because being a waitress is a wonderful thing. 101 00:06:30,015 --> 00:06:31,641 Carla, that's quite a story. 102 00:06:31,808 --> 00:06:33,810 Now, if the judges are as sappy as you, 103 00:06:33,977 --> 00:06:35,020 I get me a new car! 104 00:06:38,607 --> 00:06:41,651 Carla, honey, I just want you to know 105 00:06:41,818 --> 00:06:45,488 that I've got some moral problems with this contest. 106 00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:49,075 It's not going to get in the way of me hoping you win. 107 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:50,243 Yeah, well, Thanks, Sam. 108 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:51,828 Now would you get me my button over there? 109 00:06:54,539 --> 00:06:56,374 "My name's Carla, and I love your smile." 110 00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,836 Boy, you're really prepared to go all the way for this. 111 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,630 Yeah, I got a button that says that, too. 112 00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,006 Think I should wear it? 113 00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,884 No. I'd stick with the smile thing. 114 00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:07,594 Could I have some service? 115 00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:08,720 Coming! 116 00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:13,850 Hi. I'll be your waitress today. 117 00:07:14,017 --> 00:07:15,185 How may I serve you? 118 00:07:15,727 --> 00:07:20,190 I want a martini. Dry. D-R-Y. 119 00:07:20,357 --> 00:07:21,983 That means light on the vermouth. 120 00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,278 - And I want a twist, not an olive. - Very well, sir. 121 00:07:25,904 --> 00:07:28,281 Read that back to me. I don't want any mistakes. 122 00:07:30,075 --> 00:07:32,619 "One martini, very dry." 123 00:07:32,786 --> 00:07:35,455 - You forgot the twist. - A twist it is. 124 00:07:36,039 --> 00:07:37,916 I'll twist his big ears off. 125 00:07:38,833 --> 00:07:40,251 Take it easy, take it easy. 126 00:07:40,418 --> 00:07:42,295 "A very dry martini with a twist." 127 00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:54,265 What did you do that for? 128 00:07:54,432 --> 00:07:57,227 It's nothing personal. I was just letting off steam. 129 00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:01,147 Why don't you push Norm off his stool? 130 00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,525 You don't know much about physics, do you? 131 00:08:06,695 --> 00:08:08,363 Don't forget the twist! 132 00:08:08,530 --> 00:08:10,949 Let me see my brochure. I got to get a look at my car. 133 00:08:16,454 --> 00:08:18,540 Oh, it's worth it, it's worth it. 134 00:08:18,707 --> 00:08:20,250 This must have fallen out of your folder. 135 00:08:20,417 --> 00:08:21,835 It says, "list of judges." 136 00:08:23,128 --> 00:08:24,254 Are you kidding? 137 00:08:24,879 --> 00:08:28,758 That's supposed to be top-secret. Oh, my God. 138 00:08:28,925 --> 00:08:31,386 This is the best thing that's ever happened to me. 139 00:08:31,553 --> 00:08:32,762 I'm going to know who they are. 140 00:08:32,929 --> 00:08:35,473 All I have to do is kiss up to the squids on that list 141 00:08:35,640 --> 00:08:38,018 and I'll be driving home in a nice, new convertible. 142 00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:39,436 Great! 143 00:08:39,602 --> 00:08:40,687 Who are they, Woody? 144 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,399 "David Murphy, Cliff Clavin, and Frank Smith." 145 00:08:56,077 --> 00:08:58,913 Who is Frank Smith, and why is Carla so mad at him? 146 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,009 And now, on top of everything else, 147 00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:13,928 I got this huge headache out of nowhere. 148 00:09:16,806 --> 00:09:19,350 They picked Clavin to be a judge. 149 00:09:19,517 --> 00:09:21,352 What could they have been thinking of? 150 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,857 They probably want someone with, you know, a lot of bar experience. 151 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,484 He has been hanging around here a lot. 152 00:09:27,650 --> 00:09:29,986 Yeah, well, so has Norm. Why didn't they pick you? 153 00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,279 Well, maybe they did. 154 00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:32,906 I haven't opened my mail in a while. 155 00:09:34,157 --> 00:09:36,618 Once my unemployment ran out, all the incentive was gone. 156 00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:39,496 No doubt about it, 157 00:09:39,662 --> 00:09:41,748 these things were a lot easier on all of us 158 00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:44,167 when they were just bimbo contests. 159 00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:48,922 You know, if this is the new age of enlightenment, 160 00:09:49,089 --> 00:09:51,508 why does it hurt so many people? 161 00:09:57,013 --> 00:09:59,849 Norm, I got to ask you a question. 162 00:10:00,683 --> 00:10:03,353 Over the years, I've been pretty bad to Clavin, 163 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:06,564 and I've done some things that maybe I shouldn't have... 164 00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:08,691 Called him names, 165 00:10:08,858 --> 00:10:10,235 punctured his tires, 166 00:10:10,944 --> 00:10:12,320 set fire to his hair. 167 00:10:13,071 --> 00:10:14,364 What's the question, now? 168 00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:15,865 Do you think he noticed? 169 00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:18,660 You made this guy eat a bug once. 170 00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:22,330 That's a birthday the guy's never going to forget. 171 00:10:23,915 --> 00:10:25,542 Okay. I'll send him flowers. 172 00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:28,294 Carla, that bug laid eggs in his stomach. 173 00:10:29,879 --> 00:10:32,340 Yeah. That was kind of a bonus. 174 00:10:34,843 --> 00:10:37,470 I might as well just chuck this phony bow. 175 00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:38,555 Come on. 176 00:10:38,721 --> 00:10:41,808 You're right. It's hopeless. I'm never going to win anything. 177 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:45,311 - Come on. - No, really. I thought it was my turn. 178 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:48,565 I thought that for once in my life I was going to be recognized 179 00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:50,525 for being the best at what I do. 180 00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:53,820 Now, because of Clavin, I don't even get the chance. 181 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:56,698 All right, well, why don't you try this? 182 00:10:56,865 --> 00:10:58,408 Actually be nice to Cliff. 183 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,703 Listen to his stories, treat him like a friend. 184 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:04,789 I'm sorry. It's the beer talking. 185 00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:10,044 Now, that, Paul, in a nutshell, is the history of Western civilization. 186 00:11:12,839 --> 00:11:14,424 You were right to come to me. 187 00:11:14,966 --> 00:11:17,552 I didn't come to you, Cliff. I was waiting to use the phone. 188 00:11:22,932 --> 00:11:27,729 Go on, Cliff. I'm listening. I'm interested in Western civilization. 189 00:11:27,896 --> 00:11:31,858 - Are you all right, Carla? - Beat it, lard butt. 190 00:11:34,152 --> 00:11:36,404 Thank God. I thought I was hallucinating. 191 00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:40,867 - Interested, huh? - Oh, yeah. 192 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:43,411 That's funny. You never listened to me before. 193 00:11:43,578 --> 00:11:46,289 I listen to you all the time, Cliff. 194 00:11:47,123 --> 00:11:50,376 As a matter of fact, I often go home and tell the kids 195 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:53,630 about this very, very smart man at work. 196 00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:56,257 Why are you so mean to me all the time? 197 00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:58,051 Mean? 198 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:01,638 Well, like when you knocked me off that stool. 199 00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,057 Knocked... Oh, no. 200 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,684 Oh, no. That was just an affectionate nudge, you... 201 00:12:06,851 --> 00:12:09,437 you old silly billy. 202 00:12:18,905 --> 00:12:22,992 It did sort of hurt my back a little bit. 203 00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,786 You know, I wondered if you might... 204 00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,122 No, never mind. I could never ask you. 205 00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:30,833 Oh, no. Cliff, would you like me 206 00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:32,502 to get you something for your back? 207 00:12:32,669 --> 00:12:35,546 A heating pad or some Doan's pills? 208 00:12:36,547 --> 00:12:40,134 Well, a little back rub might help a little. 209 00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:44,055 Wouldn't you rather have a heating pad or some Doan's pills? 210 00:12:45,139 --> 00:12:47,183 Right there between the scapulae. 211 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:54,774 Why, sure. 212 00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:05,159 That feels good. 213 00:13:08,204 --> 00:13:09,664 Carla, what the heck? 214 00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:11,499 Let me just take off my shirt, and you can come 215 00:13:11,666 --> 00:13:14,043 in the office with me to really knead the flesh. 216 00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,220 Okay. 217 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:26,889 But if I'm not out of there in 15 minutes, 218 00:13:27,056 --> 00:13:29,851 nail that door shut, call my kids, and tell them 219 00:13:30,018 --> 00:13:31,936 I died in a hideous explosion. 220 00:13:33,187 --> 00:13:34,856 I wouldn't want them to know the truth. 221 00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,073 How's that painting job coming along, Norm? 222 00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:48,411 I swear to God I'd be in there painting this very moment 223 00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:51,247 but Carla's using the room. She's giving Cliff a massage. 224 00:13:51,414 --> 00:13:52,957 Oh, please. 225 00:13:55,918 --> 00:13:57,253 Give me a break. 226 00:13:58,546 --> 00:14:00,048 Oh, dear. 227 00:14:02,675 --> 00:14:05,762 - See? - Yes, I see. 228 00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:07,847 Now if you could get the rest of that office 229 00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,767 half as white as Cliff's upper body, I'd be happy. 230 00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:13,686 Woody? 231 00:14:13,853 --> 00:14:15,605 A beer for Cliff, please. 232 00:14:16,606 --> 00:14:19,067 And, I have to get... 233 00:14:19,901 --> 00:14:22,570 ...four, five, six pretzels 234 00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:26,157 with the salt brushed off just one side. 235 00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,499 I touched his skin. 236 00:14:36,000 --> 00:14:38,044 Oh, horror, horror. 237 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:44,967 You might pretend it's something less repulsive. 238 00:14:47,845 --> 00:14:48,846 Less... 239 00:14:50,014 --> 00:14:53,559 Less repulsive than Cliff's naked back? 240 00:14:56,562 --> 00:15:00,066 You mean like a dead animal lying on the side of the road 241 00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:01,651 squirming with maggots? 242 00:15:03,694 --> 00:15:05,905 Precisely. Visualize. 243 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:09,534 Visualize. Yeah. 244 00:15:09,700 --> 00:15:12,495 I think that could work. Thanks, Doc. 245 00:15:13,413 --> 00:15:14,580 It's only maggots. 246 00:15:14,747 --> 00:15:16,082 It's only maggots. 247 00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,669 Carla sure is smart, 248 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,921 buttering up to Mr. Clavin so she'll win. 249 00:15:22,088 --> 00:15:23,631 I wish I'd have had those smarts 250 00:15:23,798 --> 00:15:25,299 when I was doing the county fair circuit 251 00:15:25,466 --> 00:15:26,509 with my hog Maribelle. 252 00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:29,387 Rule number one, you got to schmooze. 253 00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:34,892 You got to go to the right parties. You got to sell out. I wouldn't. 254 00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:37,145 So I brought Maribelle home a loser. 255 00:15:38,729 --> 00:15:39,730 Broke my heart. 256 00:15:40,565 --> 00:15:41,774 How was Maribelle? 257 00:15:42,525 --> 00:15:44,026 Not bad with applesauce. 258 00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:54,620 Carla, you really got strong peasant hands. 259 00:15:57,498 --> 00:15:58,624 Thank you, Cliff. 260 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:00,918 That's really quite a refreshing change, 261 00:16:01,085 --> 00:16:02,587 you being nice to me all of a sudden. 262 00:16:03,921 --> 00:16:05,756 It's not all of a sudden. 263 00:16:06,632 --> 00:16:08,593 It's like when you're in third grade, 264 00:16:09,302 --> 00:16:12,597 when you tease the boy you secretly like the most. 265 00:16:14,765 --> 00:16:17,477 You mean, the whole third grade secretly liked me? 266 00:16:20,021 --> 00:16:21,189 Forget it. 267 00:16:21,355 --> 00:16:22,648 Wait a minute. Carla... 268 00:16:23,858 --> 00:16:25,651 Are you trying to say you like me? 269 00:16:27,153 --> 00:16:28,070 Well... 270 00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:34,535 Oh, come on. Don't be shy. Say it so the guys can hear it. 271 00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:41,959 I like you. I said it. 272 00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:46,797 I feel like I'm going to explode. What should I do? 273 00:16:46,964 --> 00:16:48,841 Find some way to release the tension. 274 00:16:49,008 --> 00:16:50,009 Good thinking. 275 00:16:52,595 --> 00:16:54,889 Oh. Oh, thank you. 276 00:16:55,056 --> 00:16:56,724 I feel a lot better. Thank you. 277 00:16:56,891 --> 00:17:00,645 Carla, you did such a good job with the back rub, 278 00:17:01,229 --> 00:17:02,730 now my feet are jealous. 279 00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,277 Allow me. 280 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:21,624 I rubbed his feet. I rubbed his feet. 281 00:17:21,791 --> 00:17:23,793 Hey, Carla, come on, cut it out. 282 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,254 You've been washing your hands in kerosene for half an hour. 283 00:17:26,420 --> 00:17:28,589 - They're clean. - No. Not yet, Sam. 284 00:17:28,756 --> 00:17:29,799 Get me a match. 285 00:17:31,509 --> 00:17:33,094 Carla, it couldn't have been that bad. 286 00:17:33,261 --> 00:17:34,303 Like hell. 287 00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,097 I didn't look, 288 00:17:36,264 --> 00:17:39,642 but I'm sure I felt six toes on his left foot. 289 00:17:42,144 --> 00:17:43,813 If the judges will please come forward 290 00:17:43,980 --> 00:17:45,982 and the contestants will take their places, 291 00:17:46,148 --> 00:17:50,528 we're ready to begin the 53rd annual Miss Boston Barmaid contest. 292 00:17:53,573 --> 00:17:54,574 I'll be right there. 293 00:17:54,740 --> 00:17:56,075 I'm just going to get the other judge. 294 00:17:56,242 --> 00:17:57,451 What other judge? 295 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:58,703 Cliff Clavin. 296 00:17:58,869 --> 00:18:00,621 Sorry. I don't know Cliff Clavin. 297 00:18:01,831 --> 00:18:02,915 Well, well... 298 00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,500 What... what about this? 299 00:18:06,669 --> 00:18:08,671 I'm sorry, Miss. That's not official. 300 00:18:08,838 --> 00:18:10,464 Someone must be having fun with you. 301 00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:17,513 Hey, Carla, you still got that little brush? 302 00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,807 You left a couple of crumbs on my mustache. 303 00:18:25,896 --> 00:18:26,814 You know, Cliff, 304 00:18:26,981 --> 00:18:29,859 I think you ought to keep those crumbs. 305 00:18:30,026 --> 00:18:32,528 They're gonna need them to identify your body. 306 00:18:33,154 --> 00:18:34,780 You set me up. 307 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:38,451 You put your name on that list just so that I would be nice to you. 308 00:18:39,076 --> 00:18:40,453 Contestant number 1? 309 00:18:41,078 --> 00:18:41,996 Yes? 310 00:18:45,082 --> 00:18:46,917 If you'll take your place with the other contestants, 311 00:18:47,084 --> 00:18:48,085 we can begin. 312 00:18:49,754 --> 00:18:52,423 I have to go be in the contest now, Cliff. 313 00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:55,176 Why don't you make your peace with God? 314 00:18:58,512 --> 00:18:59,889 Are you nuts? 315 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:02,183 Did you think you were going to actually get away with that? 316 00:19:02,350 --> 00:19:03,768 You know you're dead now, don't you? 317 00:19:03,934 --> 00:19:05,144 I know, Norm. 318 00:19:05,895 --> 00:19:07,813 Some men have a mission. 319 00:19:07,980 --> 00:19:11,859 The guys who climb Mt. Everest, the guys who walk on the Moon. 320 00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:13,778 Either of those would be a pretty good hiding place. 321 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:19,617 But I topped them all, yes, sirree. I had Carla rub my bare feet. 322 00:19:19,784 --> 00:19:21,577 I'm going to have that etched on my tombstone. 323 00:19:21,744 --> 00:19:23,496 I'd start working on it just about now. 324 00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:27,458 Contestant number one, you're first. 325 00:19:28,250 --> 00:19:30,169 Our first category will be speed, 326 00:19:30,336 --> 00:19:32,713 followed by memorization, personal warmth, 327 00:19:32,880 --> 00:19:34,256 courtesy, and drink knowledge. 328 00:19:34,423 --> 00:19:37,218 What about the bikini round? 329 00:19:37,927 --> 00:19:40,513 We're well aware of your views, Mr. Malone. 330 00:19:46,936 --> 00:19:49,230 And now let the contest begin. 331 00:20:47,788 --> 00:20:49,874 Thank you. Very nicely done. 332 00:20:51,417 --> 00:20:53,085 That concludes our competition. 333 00:20:53,252 --> 00:20:55,755 As the judges tally their votes, let's have a big round of applause 334 00:20:55,921 --> 00:20:57,882 for all of our contestants. 335 00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:04,889 Sammy, I think I really got a shot at this. 336 00:21:05,055 --> 00:21:08,851 I hate to admit it, but it might be because of you, Clavin. 337 00:21:09,351 --> 00:21:10,269 What do you mean? 338 00:21:10,436 --> 00:21:13,230 I took all that energy I was going to use to kill you 339 00:21:13,397 --> 00:21:15,858 and I put it into doing the best job I could. 340 00:21:16,025 --> 00:21:18,402 Then my secret strategy worked, huh? 341 00:21:18,569 --> 00:21:20,571 I hope you enjoy the car, Carla. 342 00:21:20,738 --> 00:21:23,324 Just remember who made it all possible. 343 00:21:23,491 --> 00:21:25,117 If the contestants will please be seated. 344 00:21:26,410 --> 00:21:28,204 Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner. 345 00:21:28,370 --> 00:21:30,122 It's me, it's me. I feel it. 346 00:21:30,289 --> 00:21:34,710 The proud owner of a brand-new 1991 convertible, 347 00:21:34,877 --> 00:21:37,046 and our new Miss Boston Barmaid is... 348 00:21:37,963 --> 00:21:40,174 ...Miss Shawnee Wilson. 349 00:21:44,929 --> 00:21:47,014 But she spilled all the drinks. 350 00:21:47,181 --> 00:21:48,724 Who cares? Look at her. 351 00:21:49,767 --> 00:21:52,394 I won, I won, I won, I won, I won. 352 00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:55,981 - No. You won, you won. - I won, I won. 353 00:21:59,109 --> 00:22:02,613 And let's not forget our Miss Congeniality award. 354 00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:04,490 It goes to contestant number one, 355 00:22:04,657 --> 00:22:06,116 Cheers' own Carla. 356 00:22:10,120 --> 00:22:13,123 That's quite a big trophy, Miss. I hope you have room for it. 357 00:22:14,041 --> 00:22:15,334 I'll make room. 358 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,671 - Mr. Mailman. - Oh, look out! 359 00:22:22,925 --> 00:22:24,134 No, no, no! 360 00:22:25,845 --> 00:22:28,639 I'm so happy you won that contest. 361 00:22:28,806 --> 00:22:32,059 You know, it just shows that the world hasn't gone crazy, 362 00:22:32,226 --> 00:22:37,022 that, you know, deep inside, people are basically good, 363 00:22:37,189 --> 00:22:40,484 that they can see through the rules and regulations 364 00:22:40,651 --> 00:22:42,736 and pick out the inner diamond. 365 00:22:42,903 --> 00:22:46,115 - I won a shiny red car. - I know you did, honey! 366 00:22:48,909 --> 00:22:50,703 Woody, where's Norm? 367 00:22:50,870 --> 00:22:52,705 - Is he in the bathroom? - No. 368 00:22:52,872 --> 00:22:54,373 Is he putting money in the meter? 369 00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:55,624 No. 370 00:22:57,293 --> 00:22:59,670 Don't tell me he is actually... 371 00:23:11,765 --> 00:23:15,394 Relax. It... it dries much lighter.