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00:00:01,627 --> 00:00:04,463
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:13,138 --> 00:00:14,473
Cold outside, huh?
3
00:00:15,098 --> 00:00:16,225
Yes.
4
00:00:18,101 --> 00:00:20,187
And we got a slush thing going.
5
00:00:21,980 --> 00:00:23,148
So it seems.
6
00:00:25,776 --> 00:00:28,153
- Beer nut?
- No, thank you.
7
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Have you ever been
with an older man?
8
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:39,665
Woody, I'm ready to settle up.
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00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,334
I'm not looking for commitment.
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00:00:51,343 --> 00:00:52,844
Cold outside, huh?
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Paul, what time you got?
12
00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:12,257
10:36.
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All right. Lunch time.
14
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Wood, let's order, please.
15
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Okay, what'll you guys have,
Chinese, subs, cheese steak, Mexican?
16
00:02:22,434 --> 00:02:23,352
Sounds good.
17
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,813
Wait a minute.
The lunch special upstairs
18
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at Melville's today is crab salad.
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It's delicious. If you ask
Mr. Hill really, really nice,
20
00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:34,738
he'll give you
your pick of the leftovers.
21
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:36,948
Leftovers?
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00:02:37,115 --> 00:02:40,661
Woody, why don't you just go out back
and crawl through the Dumpster, huh?
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00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:44,289
What for? All he throws back there
is the food that clogs up his drain.
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You know, the greasy fried stuff.
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Don't even think about it.
26
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You were thinking the same thing.
27
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Yeah, but not as long as you.
28
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I have a problem, don't I?
29
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What about you, Sam,
you want some crab salad?
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From Melville's? Forget it.
I hate that guy John Hill.
31
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I'd like to rip his head off
and dribble it down Beacon Street.
32
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Forget the crab salad, Sam.
33
00:03:11,817 --> 00:03:13,735
I think you could use something
with a little fiber in it.
34
00:03:17,364 --> 00:03:20,242
Woody, I forbid you
to eat that man's food.
35
00:03:20,409 --> 00:03:23,745
Sam, it's a free lunch.
You know how much I make.
36
00:03:23,912 --> 00:03:25,539
I mean, I don't always have
enough money for lunch,
37
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but I do get awful hungry.
Remember we had that talk
38
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about the pretzels
being just for the customers.
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Go on. Get out of here, please,
go eat your stupid salad.
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Sam...
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00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,346
Just how much
do you pay that boy?
42
00:03:42,139 --> 00:03:43,348
I pay him a fair amount.
43
00:03:43,515 --> 00:03:46,768
See, Fras, I don't think you understand
that a bartender's hourly wage
44
00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:50,188
is just a very small portion
of his overall income.
45
00:03:50,814 --> 00:03:53,024
Most of it comes from tips.
46
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:57,279
I see.
47
00:03:58,822 --> 00:04:00,323
I won't bring it up again, Sam.
48
00:04:01,575 --> 00:04:03,034
I think that would be best.
49
00:04:05,120 --> 00:04:09,374
Hey, everybody, shut your yaps.
My son has a big announcement to make.
50
00:04:09,541 --> 00:04:12,085
Go on, Gino, tell them
what you told me before in the car.
51
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,755
I said, "Ma, I think
I want to be a priest."
52
00:04:14,921 --> 00:04:17,090
Did you hear that?
Did you hear that?
53
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,301
My kid is going to be a priest.
54
00:04:19,468 --> 00:04:22,554
Finally, when I visit
one of my kids on Sunday,
55
00:04:22,721 --> 00:04:24,973
there's not gonna be
an inch of glass between us.
56
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,936
Well, congratulations, Gino.
I'm happy for you.
57
00:04:30,103 --> 00:04:32,063
Happy for him?
That's not enough, Sam.
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00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,273
This calls for a beer.
59
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,108
The guy's underage, Norm.
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00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,569
It's not for him.
Can't I be happy for the lad?
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00:04:38,487 --> 00:04:40,822
Here, here you go.
I'm gonna give you a little money here.
62
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,867
I want you to go out
buy yourself some nice clothes.
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I don't want God to think
he's getting himself a bum.
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00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,287
Thanks, Ma.
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00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,498
Congratulations, Gino.
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00:04:49,664 --> 00:04:52,334
I think it's terrific when a young man
like yourself finds his calling.
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00:04:52,501 --> 00:04:53,627
I'm happy for you.
68
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,796
Oh, yeah? How happy?
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00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:57,714
Why don't you show me?
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00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:03,053
You know that if you have a kid
who's a priest or a nun,
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00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:06,973
you automatically get into heaven.
No questions asked.
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00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,017
Can I get a beer, Carla?
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00:05:10,268 --> 00:05:11,478
Paul, Paul.
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00:05:16,775 --> 00:05:17,901
Isn't this great?
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00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:20,445
Right now God is
shrugging and saying,
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"What can I do?"
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Hey, everybody.
You'll all be very happy to know
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00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,706
that I am now
a published humorist.
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00:05:31,873 --> 00:05:34,125
Wow! The Post Office Newsletter.
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00:05:34,292 --> 00:05:35,669
I hear that's tough to get into.
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00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:38,463
I'll say.
82
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,216
They've been after me
for quite some time now,
83
00:05:41,383 --> 00:05:44,803
and I finally gave them permission
to print one of my "daffynitions."
84
00:05:46,137 --> 00:05:47,222
All right, let's hear it.
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Hey, he was going to do it anyway.
Don't make me the bad guy here.
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00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,564
Here you go. Daffynition.
87
00:05:55,730 --> 00:05:57,065
"Postal increase...
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00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:59,985
What happens to your feet
after you finish your route."
89
00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:04,239
Now, Lilith, you thought that was funny?
90
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:05,574
Oh, yes.
91
00:06:06,575 --> 00:06:08,493
You should see her
at a Marx Brothers' movie.
92
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:12,038
Isn't Zeppo hysterical?
93
00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:15,625
The way he just stands there
without expression or reaction.
94
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,210
Boy, that cracks me up.
95
00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:22,048
You guys are really missing out.
This crab salad looks great.
96
00:06:22,215 --> 00:06:23,258
All right. Where's ours?
97
00:06:23,884 --> 00:06:25,468
I thought you said
you didn't want any.
98
00:06:25,635 --> 00:06:27,137
I don't remember saying that. Do you?
99
00:06:27,304 --> 00:06:28,555
I never said that in my life.
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00:06:30,140 --> 00:06:31,975
Come on, I thought you guys
were gonna order something else.
101
00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,895
We didn't, Woody. It's nearly 11:00.
102
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,271
I'm getting a little dizzy.
103
00:06:38,023 --> 00:06:39,232
That does look kind of good.
104
00:06:39,941 --> 00:06:42,193
I can't give you guys
my food every day.
105
00:06:42,360 --> 00:06:45,405
It's not every day. It's just on days
I'm particularly hungry, okay?
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00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:46,489
Don't bite my head off.
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I mean it. You've got
that look in your eye.
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- What's wrong, Sam?
- I think I broke my tooth.
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I don't believe it.
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There's a shell in this salad.
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I'm going to sue him
for everything he's worth.
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00:07:01,087 --> 00:07:04,132
Great. Just when I get
a little ahead in my checking account.
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00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:07,594
Not you, Woody. Hill.
114
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:09,179
You know something?
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00:07:10,013 --> 00:07:12,641
I am going to sue him.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
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And I'm going to win, too.
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Here's to me.
118
00:07:26,112 --> 00:07:27,530
Hey, Becs, whatcha doing?
119
00:07:27,697 --> 00:07:30,533
I'm trying to get these receipts
ready for income tax time.
120
00:07:31,159 --> 00:07:33,745
Man, I wish people would
just write the dates on these things.
121
00:07:34,287 --> 00:07:36,873
Half of them I had to cross-reference
against the register tape.
122
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,584
Took me half the night
to get these organized.
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Gee. Up all night?
You could catch a chill.
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Here, let me warm you up.
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No! Don't!
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Stop it!
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You are evil.
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00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,974
That's right. All day long.
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00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:56,601
It doesn't matter
because my son's good,
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00:07:56,768 --> 00:07:59,854
and I got myself
a get-out-of-hell-free card.
131
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:04,859
I've been thinking about Carla's son
becoming a priest.
132
00:08:05,026 --> 00:08:07,278
Get this, "My son, the Father."
133
00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:10,115
Get it? "My son, the Father."
134
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:11,950
That's a rich comedy area,
I'm telling you.
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00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,704
Lord, help me,
I missed the "daffynitions."
136
00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,373
Oh, hey, do I hear a request?
137
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Okay. Daffynition.
138
00:08:20,500 --> 00:08:21,584
Psychiatrist...
139
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:23,962
...a guy who shrinks your head
140
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:25,588
and your bank account.
141
00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:29,426
Yeah.
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00:08:29,592 --> 00:08:30,510
Bull's-eye.
143
00:08:31,928 --> 00:08:35,849
You know, I've got enough material
for an entire stand-up comedy act.
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00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:39,728
Okay, why is it
that women go to a "stylist"
145
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:42,981
and men go to barbers?
What's up with that?
146
00:08:44,774 --> 00:08:45,984
That's so true.
147
00:08:48,570 --> 00:08:51,740
I got an impersonation for you.
An impression. Ready?
148
00:08:54,117 --> 00:08:55,368
I am not a crook.
149
00:09:01,958 --> 00:09:04,502
You guys know me.
Home to see Vera.
150
00:09:07,672 --> 00:09:10,550
I want to go, too, Norm.
I heard so many good things.
151
00:09:12,010 --> 00:09:13,386
Oh, please, don't leave me.
152
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:17,640
I was watching this commercial
on TV with the Ginsu knives.
153
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:19,350
What's up with that?
154
00:09:20,226 --> 00:09:21,895
I hate that commercial.
155
00:09:22,520 --> 00:09:23,563
This is good stuff.
156
00:09:25,690 --> 00:09:27,776
You know, she can also
hear a dog whistle.
157
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:34,074
All my life I've kind of wanted
to be a stand-up comedian.
158
00:09:34,240 --> 00:09:36,367
How's this for an idea?
159
00:09:37,035 --> 00:09:38,411
Comedy night at Cheers,
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00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:41,998
seven nights a week,
six shows a night.
161
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:45,710
The cock-eyed mind of Cliff Clavin.
162
00:09:46,836 --> 00:09:48,588
So you're saying it would be
just like any other night,
163
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:49,756
except for the mike?
164
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:53,051
Yeah, yeah! What do you
say there, Becs? Huh?
165
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:56,513
I guess you could do your comedy
here, Cliff, but you know what?
166
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:58,848
Wouldn't you rather do it
at a professional comedy club?
167
00:09:59,516 --> 00:10:02,393
The Laff Tureen in Kenmore Square
has an open-mike night.
168
00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:04,479
As a matter of fact,
I think it's tonight.
169
00:10:04,646 --> 00:10:06,731
Hey, that's a great idea, Rebecca.
170
00:10:06,898 --> 00:10:09,025
I'll just sort of spend
the afternoon polishing up my act
171
00:10:09,192 --> 00:10:11,444
and showcase it there tonight.
172
00:10:11,611 --> 00:10:13,530
Why waste all this stuff on you guys?
173
00:10:14,072 --> 00:10:14,948
See you later.
174
00:10:16,491 --> 00:10:19,410
And you people think I'm so stupid.
175
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:30,171
Sam, did you see your dentist?
Did you get your tooth fixed?
176
00:10:30,338 --> 00:10:32,799
Yeth. Good as new.
177
00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,509
They shoot you full of Novocain?
178
00:10:34,676 --> 00:10:37,178
Yeth, but it is all wearing off now.
179
00:10:39,264 --> 00:10:40,098
All right, there.
180
00:10:40,265 --> 00:10:43,309
Now, here's all my receipts,
and I'm ready.
181
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,022
Where's my calculator?
182
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:50,316
Oh, here it is.
183
00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:52,443
I was just washing it off for you.
184
00:10:54,612 --> 00:10:57,615
Just plug it in
and start tapping away.
185
00:10:59,325 --> 00:11:02,078
Carla, this is
an expensive calculator.
186
00:11:02,245 --> 00:11:05,456
Yeah. I'm probably going
to rot in hell for that...
187
00:11:06,124 --> 00:11:07,083
...not!
188
00:11:11,880 --> 00:11:14,382
Ah, Miss Tortelli.
Nice to see you again.
189
00:11:14,549 --> 00:11:16,217
What are you
doing down here, Hill?
190
00:11:16,384 --> 00:11:18,553
I hope you're not here
to ask me for a date.
191
00:11:18,720 --> 00:11:20,972
Date? Is that what you call it?
192
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:25,935
I think we skipped dating, Miss Tortelli,
and went straight to the fall of Rome.
193
00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:30,148
Tell me, is the rumor true?
Your son's going to be a priest?
194
00:11:30,315 --> 00:11:31,608
Yeah. What of it?
195
00:11:31,774 --> 00:11:33,693
I didn't realize you were Catholic.
196
00:11:34,194 --> 00:11:36,821
The only time I've heard you
say anything remotely religious
197
00:11:36,988 --> 00:11:41,367
was that night a few weeks ago
when you called me Zeus.
198
00:11:46,664 --> 00:11:48,082
The hell I did.
199
00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:50,293
You want me
to run the video tape?
200
00:11:56,925 --> 00:11:57,842
Hill.
201
00:11:58,009 --> 00:11:59,385
Sam, you wanted to see me?
202
00:11:59,886 --> 00:12:00,887
Yeth, I did.
203
00:12:03,848 --> 00:12:05,225
What do you think that is?
204
00:12:05,391 --> 00:12:08,102
Looks like some kind
of animal tooth, Sam.
205
00:12:08,686 --> 00:12:10,230
It's my tooth.
206
00:12:10,855 --> 00:12:12,482
I broke it in your salad.
207
00:12:12,649 --> 00:12:15,235
I want you to know
I will see you in court.
208
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,153
Yes.
209
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:18,905
Good heavens, this is frightening.
210
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,616
I'm being sued... by Elmer Fudd.
211
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:28,331
Listen, Sam, I don't recall
selling you any crab salad
212
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,333
and I don't recall you
being in my restaurant.
213
00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,253
What I do remember is
that I gave Woody some leftovers,
214
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,421
and you can't sue me for that.
215
00:12:36,047 --> 00:12:38,591
Incidentally, Sam, you're drooling.
216
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,221
That... that dwives me cwazy.
217
00:12:45,473 --> 00:12:49,060
Oh, Becs, there you are.
They just called for you.
218
00:12:49,227 --> 00:12:52,105
Apparently there's been
a horrible fire at your apartment.
219
00:12:52,272 --> 00:12:54,732
Carla, you've been trying
to get to me all day long.
220
00:12:54,899 --> 00:12:56,734
Just knock it off.
It's not funny anymore.
221
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:58,903
I'm being totally serious.
222
00:12:59,570 --> 00:13:02,699
I know this is the worst time
to hear this kind of news from me,
223
00:13:02,865 --> 00:13:04,242
I know you don't believe me.
224
00:13:04,409 --> 00:13:05,952
But really, I'm telling the truth.
225
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,121
I wouldn't joke about
something like that.
226
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,206
You're serious about this, aren't you?
227
00:13:10,373 --> 00:13:11,958
Yeah, I am, Becs. I'm sorry.
228
00:13:12,125 --> 00:13:13,209
Oh, my God.
229
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:15,837
Everything I own...
230
00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:17,130
It's gone.
231
00:13:17,672 --> 00:13:18,464
Oh, dear.
232
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:20,758
Woody, cover for me, please.
233
00:13:20,925 --> 00:13:21,843
I got to go out.
234
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:23,136
I'm too upset, Miss Howe.
235
00:13:23,303 --> 00:13:26,014
I just found out my whole
apartment building burned down.
236
00:13:31,060 --> 00:13:32,812
This is sick!
237
00:13:34,063 --> 00:13:35,356
Yeah, but it's funny.
238
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:39,610
Carla, you have to stop this now.
239
00:13:39,777 --> 00:13:42,905
Or what, God will smite me
with his sword?
240
00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:44,449
He gets it halfway out,
241
00:13:44,615 --> 00:13:48,911
an angel taps him on his shoulder
and says, "Hold it. Her kid's a priest."
242
00:13:49,078 --> 00:13:50,913
God just stands there fuming.
243
00:13:52,957 --> 00:13:54,292
Hey, Ma, check it out.
244
00:13:56,002 --> 00:14:00,131
Gino, what are you wearing?
Isn't that a little flashy for a priest?
245
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:02,175
Oh, no, a priest?
That was this morning.
246
00:14:02,342 --> 00:14:03,760
I'm gonna be a male model.
247
00:14:03,926 --> 00:14:05,845
I figure why waste
these looks on the church?
248
00:14:30,286 --> 00:14:31,371
I'm sorry.
249
00:14:31,537 --> 00:14:33,122
I'm so sorry.
250
00:14:34,540 --> 00:14:36,334
Carla, you've been leaping
out of your skin
251
00:14:36,501 --> 00:14:38,127
every time there's
a clap of thunder.
252
00:14:38,294 --> 00:14:40,296
Surely you know
it's simply static electricity
253
00:14:40,463 --> 00:14:42,048
being discharged
into the atmosphere.
254
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:44,008
You are so naive.
255
00:14:45,259 --> 00:14:46,844
Carla, you've got to calm down.
256
00:14:47,011 --> 00:14:49,889
You don't get it. I mocked God.
257
00:14:50,390 --> 00:14:51,641
It's not like getting in trouble
258
00:14:51,808 --> 00:14:53,976
with your parents
or your teachers or your boss.
259
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,269
This is God!
260
00:14:55,436 --> 00:14:58,439
Famine, flood, pestilence, disease.
261
00:14:58,606 --> 00:15:00,108
Who do you think
came up with that?
262
00:15:03,778 --> 00:15:06,155
He is just toying with me now.
263
00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,910
You can't believe that God has
a personal vendetta against you.
264
00:15:11,077 --> 00:15:13,287
Look at my kids.
Look at my husbands.
265
00:15:13,454 --> 00:15:15,331
Look at my life.
What do you think?
266
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:21,295
I don't think any major religion
still propounds the theory
267
00:15:21,462 --> 00:15:24,507
of a vindictive God
who hurls thunder bolts
268
00:15:24,674 --> 00:15:27,385
and takes personal vengeance
on people's transgressions.
269
00:15:30,763 --> 00:15:32,056
I believe that's for you.
270
00:15:33,182 --> 00:15:34,142
Okay.
271
00:15:34,308 --> 00:15:35,685
Okay, I got it.
272
00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:41,524
Starting right now,
I'm going to lead the perfect life.
273
00:15:42,650 --> 00:15:44,235
I'm going to be good.
274
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:47,280
I'm going to be nice.
275
00:15:47,905 --> 00:15:50,575
From now on,
I'm going to be nice.
276
00:15:50,741 --> 00:15:52,326
Carla, would you please
serve table seven?
277
00:15:52,493 --> 00:15:53,369
Shut up!
278
00:15:54,871 --> 00:15:56,414
So far, so good.
279
00:15:57,707 --> 00:15:59,750
You know, Carla never
ceases to amaze me.
280
00:16:00,418 --> 00:16:02,962
She has a strange mixture
of fervent religious faith
281
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:05,673
and primitive superstition.
282
00:16:06,340 --> 00:16:09,886
I suppose it's a result of our
ever-changing mixed-up culture.
283
00:16:11,512 --> 00:16:15,183
I don't know that you should blame
Carla's belief system on culture, Frasier.
284
00:16:15,683 --> 00:16:20,563
The need to worship higher intelligence
is an innate and universal phenomenon.
285
00:16:20,730 --> 00:16:23,858
In fact, in recent weeks,
it's become clear
286
00:16:24,025 --> 00:16:27,278
that my lab rats
worship me as a Goddess.
287
00:16:30,531 --> 00:16:33,659
I must confess, I don't discourage them.
288
00:16:36,329 --> 00:16:37,663
That's very interesting, dear.
289
00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:40,875
Apropos of nothing...
290
00:16:42,084 --> 00:16:43,920
How many vacation days
do you have coming?
291
00:16:44,962 --> 00:16:46,088
I don't know.
292
00:16:47,048 --> 00:16:48,174
80, 85.
293
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:55,223
Well, what do you say
we cash 50, 60 of those in
294
00:16:55,389 --> 00:16:58,601
and have you spend
a little time with some...
295
00:16:59,644 --> 00:17:00,978
I don't know, some people.
296
00:17:06,442 --> 00:17:08,402
Sam, where have you been all afternoon?
297
00:17:08,569 --> 00:17:12,073
Just pacing back and forth with my sign,
ruining John Hill's business.
298
00:17:12,573 --> 00:17:15,034
I saw him peeking out the window.
I think he's ready to make a deal.
299
00:17:15,618 --> 00:17:16,536
You like my sign?
300
00:17:17,161 --> 00:17:19,914
"I broke a tooth at Melville's.
Ask me how."
301
00:17:22,291 --> 00:17:25,545
That's a very scary little spider
holding the tooth there, Sam.
302
00:17:25,711 --> 00:17:28,130
That's a crab, actually.
303
00:17:33,010 --> 00:17:34,095
A crab.
304
00:17:34,720 --> 00:17:35,763
Looks like a spider.
305
00:17:35,930 --> 00:17:38,599
A lot of people said that,
so I ended up changing the story.
306
00:17:38,766 --> 00:17:42,061
I told them that there was this outbreak
of poisonous spiders up at Melville's.
307
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:43,813
Scared the hell out of them.
308
00:17:46,774 --> 00:17:47,984
Sam.
309
00:17:48,150 --> 00:17:49,318
Stay for this. This should be fun.
310
00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,363
- Yes, John?
- Let's get down to brass tacks.
311
00:17:53,114 --> 00:17:55,700
Absurd as it may sound,
you and your scary spider...
312
00:17:55,866 --> 00:17:58,286
- That's a crab. Crab.
- Forgive me.
313
00:17:58,452 --> 00:18:02,623
You and your scary crab
are driving my customers away,
314
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,292
so let's settle this right now.
315
00:18:04,458 --> 00:18:09,046
I'll pay for your dental bill
and add, say, $500 in cash.
316
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,300
It's a deal.
317
00:18:20,558 --> 00:18:21,559
You all right, man?
318
00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:23,811
There's a rock
in your pretzel dish.
319
00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:25,229
That is deliberate negligence.
320
00:18:25,938 --> 00:18:28,983
It is not. Come on, man,
you put that there. I saw...
321
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,533
A picture's worth
a thousand words, Sam.
322
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:47,209
Thank you.
323
00:18:48,002 --> 00:18:49,670
Now for the final
performance this evening,
324
00:18:49,837 --> 00:18:52,506
let's put our hands together
for the merry mailman,
325
00:18:52,673 --> 00:18:54,550
Cliff Clavin.
326
00:18:55,176 --> 00:18:56,677
Come on. Give a hand.
327
00:19:00,890 --> 00:19:01,849
Hi.
328
00:19:02,016 --> 00:19:02,933
Hiya.
329
00:19:04,101 --> 00:19:07,855
You know, Boston audiences are
the greatest audiences in the world.
330
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:16,155
You know, I got this friend
whose son is going to become a priest.
331
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:19,784
I know where this is going...
"My son, the Father."
332
00:19:20,326 --> 00:19:22,036
What's up with that?
333
00:19:24,413 --> 00:19:26,290
I never thought I'd see
a whole roomful of people
334
00:19:26,457 --> 00:19:27,875
not laughing at Cliff.
335
00:19:28,584 --> 00:19:32,129
Let's see what topics we got
in the old mailbag.
336
00:19:32,963 --> 00:19:34,882
Oh, here's one.
337
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:39,220
Anybody have a chance to call
a TV repairman lately?
338
00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:40,930
What's up with that?
339
00:19:43,849 --> 00:19:45,059
Here's a doozie.
340
00:19:45,893 --> 00:19:47,061
Avon lady.
341
00:19:47,228 --> 00:19:48,270
Ding dong.
342
00:19:48,938 --> 00:19:50,147
What's up with that?
343
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:54,735
Well... that's it for me.
344
00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:59,365
Well, now, seriously, folks,
345
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,659
on a serious note,
I just want to say...
346
00:20:03,953 --> 00:20:05,162
Drinking and driving...
347
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,207
What's up with that?
348
00:20:10,251 --> 00:20:11,585
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.
349
00:20:11,752 --> 00:20:12,962
I really enjoyed it.
350
00:20:13,129 --> 00:20:14,672
I've got to say,
this is the most love
351
00:20:14,839 --> 00:20:17,925
I've ever felt in one room in my life.
Thank you. Thank you.
352
00:20:25,683 --> 00:20:27,268
Normie, where did everybody go?
353
00:20:28,561 --> 00:20:30,312
There was a bomb scare.
354
00:20:33,232 --> 00:20:34,775
Really? Where?
355
00:20:34,942 --> 00:20:36,610
Right about where you were standing.
356
00:20:47,288 --> 00:20:49,832
Hey, Cliff. How'd it go at the club?
357
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,125
Daffynition.
358
00:20:51,292 --> 00:20:52,376
Cliff Clavin,
359
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,128
stand-up comic.
360
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,132
It's not a joke, Lilith.
361
00:20:58,299 --> 00:20:59,592
It was my pain.
362
00:21:00,551 --> 00:21:02,511
The topper. Excuse me.
363
00:21:03,053 --> 00:21:04,930
I have to go compose myself.
364
00:21:08,392 --> 00:21:10,019
Cliff, I guess you had
to learn the hard way,
365
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:12,354
but you know,
maybe stand-up comedy
366
00:21:12,521 --> 00:21:14,231
is just something
you don't have a knack for.
367
00:21:14,398 --> 00:21:17,651
Yeah. I can't figure out
what went wrong.
368
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:20,863
The material was gangbusters.
I wrote it myself.
369
00:21:22,823 --> 00:21:24,492
It must have been the audience.
370
00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:26,452
What's up with that?
371
00:21:27,328 --> 00:21:29,872
See? I still got it.
372
00:21:33,334 --> 00:21:34,835
Carla, doesn't that hurt?
373
00:21:35,377 --> 00:21:37,296
Yeah, but I deserve it.
374
00:21:37,463 --> 00:21:38,798
I'm atoning.
375
00:21:39,882 --> 00:21:44,553
I thought of walking on hot coals.
I thought of sleeping on a bed of nails,
376
00:21:44,720 --> 00:21:47,264
but nothing I think of
seems like enough.
377
00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:51,435
I just got to think of
some way to punish myself
378
00:21:51,602 --> 00:21:54,396
that no human being
has ever done before.
379
00:21:54,563 --> 00:21:56,732
Oh, hey, I got it, Becs.
380
00:21:57,399 --> 00:21:59,610
All I have to do is find
somebody to sit down with me,
381
00:21:59,777 --> 00:22:00,820
you know, like a personal audience.
382
00:22:00,986 --> 00:22:03,239
I'll go over my routine
over and over again,
383
00:22:03,405 --> 00:22:06,450
100 times or so,
until I nail it down.
384
00:22:07,868 --> 00:22:08,869
Any volunteers?
385
00:22:17,169 --> 00:22:19,171
You really play hard ball.