1 00:00:01,335 --> 00:00:03,879 Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience. 2 00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:05,672 - Hey, Cliff ie. - Hey, Norm. 3 00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:07,132 - How was your day? - Oh, boring. 4 00:00:07,299 --> 00:00:08,926 Nothing happens in this burg anymore. 5 00:00:09,092 --> 00:00:10,886 I know what you mean. I am bored, bored... 6 00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:12,596 - Look what we got here. - What? 7 00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:13,931 Look. 8 00:00:14,848 --> 00:00:16,683 Oh, it's the film critic, Channel 11. 9 00:00:16,850 --> 00:00:19,311 No, it's the anchorman, Channel 8. 10 00:00:20,145 --> 00:00:21,313 - You want to, uh... - Yeah. 11 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,606 - Autograph? - Yeah. 12 00:00:22,856 --> 00:00:24,566 Ahem. Excuse me. 13 00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:26,818 Hi, guys. How you doing? How are you? 14 00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,696 - We're really big fans of yours. - Oh, well. 15 00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,908 - Can we get your autograph? - Yeah, sure. Here. 16 00:00:32,908 --> 00:00:34,284 Let me get something to write on. 17 00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:37,454 - A full-service autograph. - What a guy! 18 00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:40,958 I loved that report you did on that train wreck. 19 00:00:41,124 --> 00:00:43,377 They ought to get you for 60 Minutes as an anchor. 20 00:00:43,794 --> 00:00:46,046 No, uh, I'm... 21 00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,048 John Kerry, senator Kerry? 22 00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:50,217 - From Massachusetts? - Our senator. 23 00:00:50,384 --> 00:00:52,678 I'm sorry, man. I'm so sorry. 24 00:00:52,844 --> 00:00:54,388 Sorry to bother you. 25 00:00:57,182 --> 00:01:00,727 Hey, wait, Norm, maybe he knows senator Gopher from The Love Boat. 26 00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,063 Hey, yo! Hey, Kerry! 27 00:02:16,345 --> 00:02:19,222 Say, eh, Norm, want to go back and shoot some stick? 28 00:02:19,389 --> 00:02:20,849 Oh, I'd love to, Cliff ie, but... 29 00:02:21,016 --> 00:02:22,726 I'm busy talking on the phone with Vera. 30 00:02:22,893 --> 00:02:25,062 - Huh? - Which reminds me. 31 00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:29,274 Uh-huh. 32 00:02:29,441 --> 00:02:32,110 What are you talking about? I'm listening to every single word. 33 00:02:34,154 --> 00:02:36,948 Got this down to a science. Give me a refill, please, Woody. 34 00:02:37,699 --> 00:02:39,034 Hey, everybody, 35 00:02:39,201 --> 00:02:40,994 I have the most wonderful news. 36 00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,955 - You got a job? - I have a job. 37 00:02:44,623 --> 00:02:48,585 I'm sorry. I confuse having a job with being paid to actually do something. 38 00:02:49,336 --> 00:02:51,463 It spends just the same, Carla. 39 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:54,508 I just got a call from Redbook magazine, 40 00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,134 and I have been selected 41 00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:58,762 as one of the six Boston businesswomen 42 00:02:58,929 --> 00:03:01,139 to get a full beauty make-over. 43 00:03:01,306 --> 00:03:03,809 And the final results will be in their next issue. 44 00:03:04,184 --> 00:03:05,644 Oh, it's too bad. 45 00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:07,312 I always liked Redbook. 46 00:03:08,939 --> 00:03:12,693 Rebecca, I can't possibly think why you would need a make-over. 47 00:03:12,984 --> 00:03:15,112 You're always impeccably dressed. 48 00:03:15,112 --> 00:03:17,656 You're constantly alluring without being overstated. 49 00:03:17,823 --> 00:03:19,658 Well, thank you, Frasier. 50 00:03:19,866 --> 00:03:23,286 Your eye make-up gives you a certain feline quality. 51 00:03:24,538 --> 00:03:25,539 It's irresistible. 52 00:03:26,289 --> 00:03:29,418 And I can't see how anyone can possibly improve on the way your hair 53 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:31,878 cascades down your face in that peekaboo fashion. 54 00:03:33,505 --> 00:03:35,424 Much like my own darling Lilith. 55 00:03:35,590 --> 00:03:36,883 Speak of the devil! 56 00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,637 Not that you're a devil, of course. 57 00:03:40,804 --> 00:03:42,264 Just, uh, total opposite. 58 00:03:42,431 --> 00:03:47,060 In fact, you're the complete opposite of the devil. You're i.e. an angel. 59 00:03:47,769 --> 00:03:49,896 There's no need to be nervous, Frasier. 60 00:03:50,063 --> 00:03:52,816 It's perfectly natural for you to be attracted to other women. 61 00:03:52,983 --> 00:03:55,193 It shows you have a healthy sex drive. 62 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:56,737 I'm attracted to other men. 63 00:03:57,404 --> 00:03:59,531 Oh, no. Not this game again. 64 00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,451 Let's see. Where shall I begin? 65 00:04:05,287 --> 00:04:07,164 Yowzer. 66 00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:10,041 So Miss Howe's going to be in Redbook. 67 00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:12,419 What is that, some kind of fashion magazine? 68 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:15,881 Oh, no, no, it's more than a fashion magazine, Woody. 69 00:04:16,214 --> 00:04:17,382 It's about today's women. 70 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,926 You know, who they are, their wants, their needs. 71 00:04:21,219 --> 00:04:24,264 - Cliff ie, you read Redbook? - Not so much as read it, Norm. 72 00:04:24,431 --> 00:04:26,725 I do take some of their quizzes, though. 73 00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:32,189 Would you believe that I'm actually autumn-complected? 74 00:04:33,190 --> 00:04:35,275 Hey, guys. You're not going to believe this. 75 00:04:35,442 --> 00:04:37,611 Gary sold The Olde Towne Tavern. 76 00:04:37,819 --> 00:04:39,196 - Huh? - Get out! 77 00:04:39,362 --> 00:04:41,698 No kidding. Sold it to this guy named Frank. 78 00:04:41,865 --> 00:04:44,743 Runs a bunch of bars in other cities. He's already in. 79 00:04:44,910 --> 00:04:46,787 Wait a minute. This means that any bar tab 80 00:04:46,953 --> 00:04:49,790 run under the previous management would automatically be null and void, right? 81 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:52,626 You have a bar tab at Gary's? 82 00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:54,044 Not anymore, Sam. 83 00:04:55,629 --> 00:05:00,634 Whoa. No more Gary's? I can't believe that. 84 00:05:01,051 --> 00:05:03,011 You know, in a way, I'm going to really miss that guy. 85 00:05:03,178 --> 00:05:06,097 Miss him? Are you kidding me? Worst thing that ever happened to me. 86 00:05:06,264 --> 00:05:07,766 I've never been happier to see a guy go. 87 00:05:07,933 --> 00:05:09,142 Aw, come on, Sam. 88 00:05:09,309 --> 00:05:11,520 No, he was terrible. He even turned you guys, 89 00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,648 my good friends, against me. Remember Halloween? 90 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,609 You convinced me that I killed a man, ha ha. 91 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:21,363 Yeah, you hate to see the great ones retire. 92 00:05:21,655 --> 00:05:23,490 Boy, without Gary, what's left for us, huh? 93 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,575 So, what do you think? 94 00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:28,370 You ready to start a rivalry with the new bar? 95 00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:32,457 - What are you talking about? - Come on. It's a golden opportunity. 96 00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:34,042 We can win this time. 97 00:05:34,209 --> 00:05:37,337 We can steal all of Gary's best ideas and use them against this new guy. 98 00:05:37,838 --> 00:05:40,340 You remember how Gary's always going first? We can learn from that. 99 00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:42,342 We can move first ourselves. 100 00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:43,593 Very good, Sam. 101 00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,888 As that famous prankster Santayana once said, 102 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:48,765 "Those who do not learn from history 103 00:05:48,932 --> 00:05:50,433 are condemned to repeat it." 104 00:05:50,976 --> 00:05:52,561 You got that right, Dr. Crane. 105 00:05:52,727 --> 00:05:56,064 Back in high school, I was condemned to repeat history three times. 106 00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,485 By the way, the same goes for mathematics. 107 00:06:02,404 --> 00:06:05,031 Come on, come on. What do you say we show this Frank guy 108 00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,449 there's another bar in town? 109 00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:09,619 Do we really want to let ourselves into that kind of humiliation again? 110 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:10,996 Sure. 111 00:06:12,205 --> 00:06:14,040 Oh, no, Sammy. I think Normie's right. 112 00:06:14,207 --> 00:06:16,334 I mean, if there's one thing Gary taught us, is that 113 00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,086 we're nothing but a bunch of losers. 114 00:06:18,378 --> 00:06:20,380 Yeah, but the new guys don't know that. 115 00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:21,923 Well, let's show 'em, huh? 116 00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,091 Yeah! 117 00:06:29,806 --> 00:06:31,558 Okay! I'll be right back. 118 00:06:32,392 --> 00:06:33,685 Oh! Look at me! 119 00:06:33,852 --> 00:06:35,729 Lilith, look at me. isn't this exciting? 120 00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,315 Yes. Every so often people need to 121 00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,317 recreate themselves and frequently 122 00:06:40,483 --> 00:06:42,986 the metamorphosis has very positive results. 123 00:06:43,904 --> 00:06:47,240 You should've seen what I looked like back in my college days. 124 00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:48,950 Bowwow! 125 00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:53,747 So, Rebecca, you're having a makeover, huh? 126 00:06:53,914 --> 00:06:56,750 - Yes. - You know, uh, I don't understand. I mean, 127 00:06:57,334 --> 00:07:00,086 if there was ever a person who didn't need a makeover it's you. 128 00:07:00,337 --> 00:07:04,424 - I think you're perfect just the way you are. - Oh, thank you, Paul. 129 00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,551 Boobs, too, or just the face? 130 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:11,932 Just the face. 131 00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,183 Ah... 132 00:07:20,023 --> 00:07:22,150 The welcome wagon has returned. 133 00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:25,445 I assume you've just come from the new Olde Town Tavern. 134 00:07:25,779 --> 00:07:28,990 Yeah. We went for an often-used stunt, but one that's sure to bring a smile. 135 00:07:29,157 --> 00:07:30,659 We TP'd the whole front of the place. 136 00:07:31,034 --> 00:07:33,286 And how will they know that you're the dastardly ones 137 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:35,497 - that did the deed? - Good question. 138 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:38,208 It could've been the Mensa chapter from MIT. 139 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,462 And we soaped their windows, "Regards from your friends at Cheers." 140 00:07:42,796 --> 00:07:46,007 Yeah, and I threw a few packs of Cheers matches with our address in there. 141 00:07:46,216 --> 00:07:49,260 I stuck my head in the door and yelled, "Cheers rules." 142 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:53,348 Yeah. if they can't figure that out, they're the stupidest bar in town. 143 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:55,183 I wouldn't go that far, Sam. 144 00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:59,479 So all we got to do now is sit back and see what these guys are made out of. 145 00:07:59,771 --> 00:08:03,358 Yeah. I can't wait to see what weenie retaliation Frank comes up with. 146 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:06,111 Yeah, yeah. It'll be just standard novice stuff. 147 00:08:06,277 --> 00:08:07,654 You know, a rubber rat behind the bar... 148 00:08:07,988 --> 00:08:09,239 Yeah, stealing the sign out front. 149 00:08:09,614 --> 00:08:11,199 Having 20 pizzas delivered. 150 00:08:11,199 --> 00:08:13,660 Yeah, whatever it is, there won't be any imagination connected to it. 151 00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:14,911 These guys are rookies. 152 00:08:15,453 --> 00:08:17,288 Just come up with something pathetic. 153 00:08:23,545 --> 00:08:26,256 We better get this cleaned up before the pizza arrives. 154 00:08:38,018 --> 00:08:39,644 I'm here to take some pictures of the wreckage. 155 00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,563 Oh, she's way over there. 156 00:08:46,192 --> 00:08:48,987 - So you're a Redbook photographer, huh? - Mm-hmm. 157 00:08:49,779 --> 00:08:51,573 How'd you manage to land this assignment? 158 00:08:51,740 --> 00:08:53,742 Mouthed off to one of the editors. 159 00:08:55,326 --> 00:08:58,496 So, Mr. Malone, do you have any idea who could have done this? 160 00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:01,875 Yeah, I do. The new owner of Gary's Olde Town Tavern. 161 00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,626 A guy named Frank. 162 00:09:03,835 --> 00:09:07,005 See, what happened is we went over, you know, in the spirit of gamesmanship 163 00:09:07,172 --> 00:09:09,966 and gave them the old welcome to the neighborhood and TP'd their bar. 164 00:09:10,675 --> 00:09:13,595 We considered plastic explosives on their front door, 165 00:09:13,803 --> 00:09:15,597 but thought, "Nah, too funny." 166 00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,517 Do you have any idea who you're dealing with here? 167 00:09:19,684 --> 00:09:20,685 What do you mean? 168 00:09:21,019 --> 00:09:22,520 How do I explain it to you? 169 00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:25,774 This guy Frank is kind of connected, if you know what I mean. 170 00:09:26,024 --> 00:09:27,859 Wow. He wears a pacemaker? 171 00:09:28,026 --> 00:09:30,070 Oh, now I really feel bad. 172 00:09:30,236 --> 00:09:32,072 No. No, you don't understand. 173 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:36,242 His full name is Frank "The Angel of Death" carpaccio. 174 00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,370 This guy's associated with some very bad individuals. 175 00:09:39,579 --> 00:09:41,956 - You're kidding me! - I'm afraid not. 176 00:09:42,207 --> 00:09:45,502 Oh, my God. We just TP'd a mob bar. 177 00:09:45,752 --> 00:09:46,920 If you want, Mr. Malone, 178 00:09:47,087 --> 00:09:48,546 I suppose you can press charges. 179 00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:50,173 Of course, I saw some pictures 180 00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:52,926 of people who pressed charges against Mr. carpaccio 181 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:54,552 and his associates on different occasions. 182 00:09:54,803 --> 00:09:57,222 It turned my stomach. 183 00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,849 Wait till you get next month's Redbook. 184 00:10:03,728 --> 00:10:06,106 Uh, look, it'd probably be a good idea 185 00:10:06,272 --> 00:10:07,982 to just to let the whole thing rest, you know what I mean? 186 00:10:08,149 --> 00:10:09,109 Yeah. Thanks, yeah. 187 00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:10,860 One other thing, uh... 188 00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:12,779 We're not going to be much help to you here. 189 00:10:12,946 --> 00:10:14,906 You see, we're all scared of the guy, 190 00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:17,117 and we pretty much let him do whatever he wants. 191 00:10:19,869 --> 00:10:22,622 Boy, I feel safer with those guys around. 192 00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,917 Oh, holy mother, what have we done? 193 00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:27,752 Oh, come on. We didn't know, Carla. 194 00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:29,254 You don't understand, Sam. 195 00:10:29,420 --> 00:10:30,755 This isn't going to end here. 196 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,799 I mean, these guys are new in town. 197 00:10:32,966 --> 00:10:34,801 They're going to want to make examples of all of us. 198 00:10:35,009 --> 00:10:38,388 If I may interject, I think you've all seen too many Godfather movies. 199 00:10:38,888 --> 00:10:40,515 I agree. Should've stopped at two. 200 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,935 That notwithstanding, 201 00:10:44,102 --> 00:10:46,271 I don't think we should run off in a panic here. 202 00:10:46,646 --> 00:10:49,190 Don't you see what we're doing? We're stereotyping these people 203 00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:51,109 and letting our irrational fears convince us 204 00:10:51,276 --> 00:10:55,280 that they intend to do us bodily harm in some cold-blooded fashion. 205 00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:59,450 Now, with that said, I will bid you all a fond adieu for a couple weeks. 206 00:11:01,327 --> 00:11:03,580 Lilith, Frederick and I are going on vacation. 207 00:11:03,746 --> 00:11:05,498 What are you talking about? 208 00:11:05,665 --> 00:11:07,584 Oh, don't you remember that trip we talked about, dear? 209 00:11:07,750 --> 00:11:10,170 - We didn't plan a trip. - Oh, it'll all come back to you in the cab. 210 00:11:10,336 --> 00:11:11,880 - Let's go, come on. - I need my briefcase. 211 00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:13,423 - No. Leave it, woman. Move! - Oh! 212 00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:16,467 Look, Sam, I know these people, okay? 213 00:11:16,759 --> 00:11:18,678 I mean, it's one thing to be into them for money. 214 00:11:18,845 --> 00:11:20,180 They got a sense of humor about that. 215 00:11:20,555 --> 00:11:22,974 But it's another thing to humiliate them like we did. 216 00:11:23,141 --> 00:11:24,559 I mean, they not going to forget about this. 217 00:11:24,726 --> 00:11:27,437 Carla's right. The only thing we can do 218 00:11:27,645 --> 00:11:31,107 is go over and apologize to Frank "The Angel of Death" carpaccio. 219 00:11:31,274 --> 00:11:32,108 Ah, Cliff ie. 220 00:11:32,483 --> 00:11:35,195 That's not going to do it. We have to go there and beg like dogs. 221 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,655 - No. Wait a second. Wait a second. - What? 222 00:11:37,822 --> 00:11:38,990 I just had a thought here. 223 00:11:39,157 --> 00:11:41,367 - What? - Who would like to see us beg 224 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:43,244 more than anyone else in the whole world? 225 00:11:43,745 --> 00:11:46,372 Sam, you don't suppose Vera's behind this whole thing, do you? 226 00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:50,335 No. I'm talking about Gary. 227 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:52,337 - Gary? What do you mean? - Yeah. 228 00:11:52,503 --> 00:11:55,882 Well, think about it. I mean, the guy sells his bar and disappears. 229 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:58,801 The guy who buys it all of a sudden moves in instantly. 230 00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,179 I mean, come on. We're being set up. We're a bunch of suckers. 231 00:12:01,346 --> 00:12:02,430 You think? 232 00:12:02,597 --> 00:12:04,432 Yeah. Remember Halloween? 233 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:07,518 The guy crawled into a coffin, you know, and pretended to be dead 234 00:12:07,685 --> 00:12:09,354 just to scare the bejeebers out of me. 235 00:12:10,772 --> 00:12:12,649 Yeah, I'm glad we got that on tape. 236 00:12:14,317 --> 00:12:17,779 - You got that on tape? - I'm talking out of turn. 237 00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,824 I get this. I get this. 238 00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:25,286 You mean, we go over to Gary's, crying like babies, 239 00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,997 and Gary jumps out of the wall, laughing his head off. 240 00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,666 How many times does Gary have 241 00:12:29,832 --> 00:12:32,335 to make us look like jerks before we wise up, huh? 242 00:12:32,627 --> 00:12:35,630 You know, there are some things you just can't put a number on. 243 00:12:36,214 --> 00:12:39,217 Hold it, hold it now. You mean, when all is said and done, 244 00:12:39,384 --> 00:12:42,136 at the end of this, I'm still gonna have a tab at Gary's? 245 00:12:42,720 --> 00:12:43,721 Yes, Norm. 246 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,390 That bastard! Let's get him! 247 00:12:46,140 --> 00:12:47,141 I got an idea. 248 00:12:47,308 --> 00:12:49,310 Why don't we just play along with this, huh? 249 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,605 Why don't we go over there and apologize? 250 00:12:52,939 --> 00:12:54,774 Yeah. I see what you mean. 251 00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,318 - We apologize to him. - Yeah. 252 00:12:57,485 --> 00:13:01,239 Yeah. That's right. Apologize in a big way. 253 00:13:01,698 --> 00:13:05,702 Yeah. Apologize like he's never been apologized to before. 254 00:13:05,910 --> 00:13:06,995 - Yeah. - Yeah. 255 00:13:07,161 --> 00:13:09,497 This is great. what are we doing? 256 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,960 I'll explain it to you later, Woody. 257 00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:17,213 Yeah, well, uh, can we keep talking in these voices? 258 00:13:17,380 --> 00:13:21,509 Hey, Mr. Krapence, tell Miss Howe we'll be back after a while. 259 00:13:34,689 --> 00:13:37,608 Boy, every time I set foot in this place, it gives me the creeps. 260 00:13:37,984 --> 00:13:39,152 Norm! 261 00:13:41,612 --> 00:13:42,905 How do they know you in here? 262 00:13:43,072 --> 00:13:45,658 Hey, Sammy closes on Christmas morning. Okay? 263 00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:49,579 Excuse me. Mr. carpaccio around? 264 00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:54,167 Oh. Gary went all the way, didn't he? Look at that guy. 265 00:13:54,542 --> 00:13:56,336 Dark shirt. Shiny suit. 266 00:13:56,502 --> 00:13:57,420 Jewelry. 267 00:13:57,712 --> 00:14:00,757 You want to get a girl, you got to know how to dress. 268 00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:04,844 Uh, fellas? 269 00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,307 Excuse me, Mr. carpaccio? 270 00:14:09,640 --> 00:14:10,808 Yeah, what is it? 271 00:14:12,226 --> 00:14:14,812 My name's Sam Malone, sir. We're from Cheers. 272 00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,107 Oh, yeah. 273 00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:20,318 You're a bunch of funny guys over there, aren't you. 274 00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:24,447 Uh, yeah, about that, sir, we're here to apologize. 275 00:14:25,365 --> 00:14:27,867 - You are? - Oh, yes, sir. You see, 276 00:14:28,117 --> 00:14:30,661 we had this kind of friendly rivalry 277 00:14:30,828 --> 00:14:32,622 with the previous owner Gary, you know? 278 00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:36,167 We thought we'd try to start a little something with you, that's all. 279 00:14:36,334 --> 00:14:38,753 - We didn't mean any harm by it. - Well, Mr. Malone, 280 00:14:38,920 --> 00:14:42,298 I appreciate you coming here to tell me this. It shows you got respect. 281 00:14:43,716 --> 00:14:45,927 I didn't scare you too much, did I? 282 00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:52,058 I guess, you know, it'd take much more than an exploding door 283 00:14:52,225 --> 00:14:53,684 to scare off Clifford Clavin. 284 00:14:54,435 --> 00:14:56,604 What about that clown at the car wash? 285 00:14:58,940 --> 00:15:02,151 I'm a little bit frightened of clowns, okay? It's normal. 286 00:15:02,568 --> 00:15:04,904 Well, the incident is forgotten. It never happened. 287 00:15:05,071 --> 00:15:06,989 Thank you very much. That's a load off our minds, isn't it? 288 00:15:07,448 --> 00:15:08,449 Yes. 289 00:15:08,741 --> 00:15:12,912 Hey, you're the barmaid over there, aren't you, at Cheers? 290 00:15:13,079 --> 00:15:14,247 Yeah, I am. 291 00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:16,833 You know, we need a new one over here. 292 00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:20,420 We had one, but she was a big blabbermouth. 293 00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:25,466 Sorry. I got a job. 294 00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:28,469 Actually, you know, we were thinking, this being a new business and all, 295 00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:31,681 we thought, you know, maybe you could use a few extra customers. 296 00:15:31,848 --> 00:15:35,059 Just to show you we're not having any hard feelings here. 297 00:15:35,226 --> 00:15:37,270 We thought we'd fill the place up for you. 298 00:15:37,437 --> 00:15:40,523 You know who's really a thirsty bunch, Sam? 299 00:15:40,690 --> 00:15:41,732 Firemen. 300 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,110 Oh! That's a good idea. Firemen. 301 00:15:44,318 --> 00:15:46,571 Now, how could we get firemen in here in a hurry? 302 00:15:46,737 --> 00:15:48,322 You just leave it to me. 303 00:15:54,245 --> 00:15:57,123 How's that, Gary? Wet enough for you? 304 00:15:58,166 --> 00:16:00,084 I'm singin' in the rain 305 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,669 Hey, what the hell is this? 306 00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:04,046 You people don't know who you're fooling around with! 307 00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:07,967 You're dead! You're dead, do you hear me? 308 00:16:08,134 --> 00:16:11,012 Your family's dead! Your friends, dead! 309 00:16:11,637 --> 00:16:13,181 Your pets, dead! 310 00:16:13,556 --> 00:16:14,640 Dead! Dead! Dead! 311 00:16:21,689 --> 00:16:24,317 Well, I understand congratulations are in order. 312 00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,944 - You beat Gary at his own game. - Yeah. 313 00:16:27,278 --> 00:16:29,447 I wish I could have been there with you when you did it. 314 00:16:29,697 --> 00:16:31,991 Well, maybe you could've if you hadn't run out of here 315 00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,160 with your tail between your legs. 316 00:16:34,410 --> 00:16:37,371 Well, Carla, in my profession we encourage people to go with their feelings. 317 00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:39,207 And at that time, my feelings were 318 00:16:39,373 --> 00:16:41,876 stark gibbering terror and borderline incontinence. 319 00:16:42,126 --> 00:16:44,879 That's all right, Dr. Crane. We all get scared. 320 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,507 For example, when Mr. Clavin sees that clown 321 00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,593 outside the car wash, he starts screaming at the top of his lungs. 322 00:16:50,801 --> 00:16:52,637 I got a phobia, okay? 323 00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:56,891 Let me tell you a story here about a sweet little 8-year-old called Cliff Clavin. 324 00:16:57,183 --> 00:17:00,061 On his eighth birthday, his ma hires a clown. 325 00:17:00,228 --> 00:17:01,270 Great idea, right? 326 00:17:01,896 --> 00:17:02,897 Except for one thing, 327 00:17:03,064 --> 00:17:04,982 none of the other kids show up. 328 00:17:07,401 --> 00:17:10,321 So here I am with this clown for five hours. 329 00:17:12,782 --> 00:17:16,369 Just me and him, back and forth. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. 330 00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:20,081 I keep screaming, "Enough! Enough!" But no. 331 00:17:20,373 --> 00:17:22,917 Ma wanted to get her money's worth. 332 00:17:25,211 --> 00:17:27,088 Excuse me, you Sam Malone? 333 00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,840 - Yeah. What can I do for you? - I'm inspector Hanson. 334 00:17:30,007 --> 00:17:33,844 Agent Carmichael, FBI. We have some business with you regarding a Frank carpaccio. 335 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,889 Aw, man. Gary doesn't give up, does he? 336 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:41,686 How do we know you gentlemen are from the FBI, huh? 337 00:17:44,063 --> 00:17:46,899 Yeah. Yeah. That's the real McCoy, all right, Sammy. 338 00:17:47,066 --> 00:17:49,026 It's not like the one I got down at the mall. 339 00:17:50,736 --> 00:17:53,823 We're conducting an investigation into the activities of Mr. carpaccio, 340 00:17:53,990 --> 00:17:55,575 also known as "The Angel of Death." 341 00:17:55,575 --> 00:17:57,118 Wait a minute. What are you telling me? 342 00:17:57,285 --> 00:17:59,120 Are you telling me this guy is a legitimate criminal? 343 00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:02,748 I've spent five years in court trying to prove that. Only every time I get close, 344 00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:05,501 my star witness always ends up in some warehouse dangling from a meat hook. 345 00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:09,463 Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I'm wasting precious vacation time. 346 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,842 Anyway, yesterday evening, we made a recording of a conversation 347 00:18:13,009 --> 00:18:14,969 in which Mr. carpaccio threatened you, Mr. Malone, 348 00:18:15,177 --> 00:18:17,013 along with several other unidentified people, 349 00:18:17,221 --> 00:18:19,181 whose lives are all in danger now. 350 00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:21,434 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 351 00:18:21,642 --> 00:18:23,227 Wait. What does this have to do with us? 352 00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:25,980 Well, we'd like all of you to testify against Mr. carpaccio in court. 353 00:18:26,731 --> 00:18:27,732 Excuse me. 354 00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,150 Why? What are you doing? 355 00:18:29,317 --> 00:18:31,277 Look, if I can get to confession fast enough, 356 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:33,571 maybe I can get cacked in a state of grace. 357 00:18:33,738 --> 00:18:35,281 Carla, come on. That's not going to help. 358 00:18:35,448 --> 00:18:38,200 Look, Sam, they want us to sing against this guy in court. 359 00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:39,493 Okay? We'll all be dead. 360 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,579 Us? What about our pets? 361 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:44,415 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. What are we going to do? 362 00:18:44,707 --> 00:18:46,375 - It's all your fault, Peterson. - What? 363 00:18:46,542 --> 00:18:47,960 You're the one who wanted us to go back there. 364 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,503 Yeah, but Carla pulled the damn fire alarm. 365 00:18:49,670 --> 00:18:52,423 Hey, don't blame me. Sam's the one who made us buy the umbrellas. 366 00:18:52,590 --> 00:18:54,592 Hey, Norm choreographed the stupid number. 367 00:19:00,097 --> 00:19:03,893 It took a team of four men, 12 hours, but I think I'm worth it. 368 00:19:04,310 --> 00:19:05,436 What do you think? 369 00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:07,021 About what? 370 00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:09,774 About me. About the new way I look. 371 00:19:09,940 --> 00:19:12,485 Hey, honey, we're a little busy right now. Do you mind? I mean, 372 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,695 we just find out that we insulted a mob boss, 373 00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,490 and he's threatened to kill us. We could be in a little bit of trouble right now. 374 00:19:17,865 --> 00:19:19,450 But I'm blonde, see? 375 00:19:21,410 --> 00:19:23,204 You don't get it, do you, Rebecca? 376 00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:25,206 This isn't a game. We could all get killed. 377 00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:27,958 Yeah, but look, even my roots are blonde. 378 00:19:28,459 --> 00:19:30,503 Rebecca, would you just shut up for a second, please? 379 00:19:30,878 --> 00:19:35,508 All right, fine. I'll just go show people who are less self-absorbed. 380 00:19:38,052 --> 00:19:40,930 Hey, everybody! Look at me! look at me! 381 00:19:41,430 --> 00:19:43,474 Listen, people. We've got to act quickly here. 382 00:19:43,641 --> 00:19:45,810 We're moving in on carpaccio sometime during the week. 383 00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:49,188 In the meantime, we'll have to relocate all of you until he's safely behind bars. 384 00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:52,149 We have to get moving right away. There's a bus outside. 385 00:19:52,316 --> 00:19:55,277 - What about my kids? - We'll assign an agent to take care of them. 386 00:19:55,653 --> 00:19:57,279 - Will he have a gun? - Oh, yes, he will. 387 00:19:57,446 --> 00:20:00,700 - Then he's got a fighting chance. - Let's go, people! 388 00:20:03,786 --> 00:20:05,162 No. Wait a minute. I'm not going. 389 00:20:05,329 --> 00:20:07,581 - What do you mean? - Listen, this is my whole life. 390 00:20:07,790 --> 00:20:09,792 You know, I've worked too long and too hard 391 00:20:09,959 --> 00:20:11,794 to give up everything that's important to me. 392 00:20:12,002 --> 00:20:13,963 You're taking quite a risk, Mr. Malone. 393 00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:16,215 I can't live my life in fear. 394 00:20:16,382 --> 00:20:18,676 Well, we all can, and time's a-wastin'. Let's go. 395 00:20:20,094 --> 00:20:22,638 Hold it. Hold it. Sam's not going, I'm not going, either. 396 00:20:22,805 --> 00:20:24,640 - What? - Ah, Woody, wait a second. 397 00:20:24,807 --> 00:20:27,017 I can't let you take that risk. 398 00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:30,104 As long as you understand, Sam. Let's make tracks, folks. 399 00:20:48,497 --> 00:20:49,623 This is it? 400 00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,625 Where's the agent supposed to meet us? 401 00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:53,794 Maybe we better get back on the bus, huh? 402 00:20:54,128 --> 00:20:55,755 - Hey. Hey! - Whoa! Whoa! 403 00:20:58,924 --> 00:21:01,635 - That's the last bus of the day. - Swell. 404 00:21:01,927 --> 00:21:04,263 - I'm freezing. - I'm hungry. 405 00:21:04,430 --> 00:21:05,723 I'm thirsty. 406 00:21:05,890 --> 00:21:07,683 The guy wouldn't let me take my beer on the bus. 407 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:10,394 Yeah. We know that, Norm. You only said it about a thousand times. 408 00:21:10,561 --> 00:21:11,562 Well, he wouldn't. 409 00:21:12,688 --> 00:21:14,815 It must be the agent. 410 00:21:16,984 --> 00:21:17,985 Hello? 411 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:19,653 Carla, hi! 412 00:21:19,862 --> 00:21:20,696 Sam? 413 00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:22,323 How you doing? 414 00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:25,284 Terrible. We're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere, 415 00:21:25,451 --> 00:21:26,869 waiting for someone to pick us up. 416 00:21:27,203 --> 00:21:29,997 - You're all alone? - Yeah. For about 200 miles. 417 00:21:30,372 --> 00:21:32,166 Wow. Is it cold? 418 00:21:32,416 --> 00:21:36,212 Yeah, Sam. I'm cold. I'm freezing. I'm thinking about hugging Clavin. 419 00:21:38,088 --> 00:21:41,133 Boy, what a shame. Hey, listen, honey, 420 00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:46,680 You remember last Halloween when you guys pulled that hilarious stunt on me, 421 00:21:46,847 --> 00:21:50,476 making me think that Gary was dead and I was responsible for it? 422 00:21:50,684 --> 00:21:52,520 - Yeah. - Well... 423 00:21:53,229 --> 00:21:54,271 Gotcha! 424 00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:03,447 Now, let me get this straight, Sam. 425 00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:05,950 This, this was all your doing? 426 00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:13,290 The exploding door and all that damage that you did to your own bar? 427 00:22:13,791 --> 00:22:16,293 The expense of paying all the people involved? 428 00:22:16,460 --> 00:22:20,005 The bus fare to get your stooges all the way out to North Dakota? 429 00:22:20,422 --> 00:22:24,009 It cost me a fortune. I had to take out a loan. 430 00:22:25,970 --> 00:22:28,722 I'll be paying it off for 10 years. 431 00:22:30,808 --> 00:22:34,728 Well, I guess the joke certainly is on them, isn't it? 432 00:22:37,565 --> 00:22:39,900 Boy, he really rubbed our noses in it, didn't he? 433 00:22:40,067 --> 00:22:43,153 - You got to love the guy. - I'm a better person just knowing him. 434 00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:45,531 Well, at least out here, we're safe from that mob guy. 435 00:22:46,323 --> 00:22:49,577 No, no, Woody. Let me explain it to you one more time.