1
00:00:02,377 --> 00:00:04,922
Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,759
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm!
3
00:00:08,926 --> 00:00:10,427
Hey, Mr. P,
how's life in the big city?
4
00:00:10,594 --> 00:00:12,804
Hey. What did I tell you
about those fat jokes?
5
00:00:17,267 --> 00:00:18,727
What's in the box, Norm?
6
00:00:18,894 --> 00:00:21,355
Only my brand new
Turbo Flex Airmasters
7
00:00:21,522 --> 00:00:24,483
with the custom pump fit
and the night reflector racing stripe.
8
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:28,737
Oh, look at that. Major shoe.
9
00:00:28,904 --> 00:00:31,281
And check out the reflector, huh?
10
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:33,617
Shines like the Northern Lights.
11
00:00:34,868 --> 00:00:39,164
Yep. Get this, they utilize a patented
ergonomic lever propulsion design.
12
00:00:39,915 --> 00:00:42,251
It uses your body's own
Achilles tendon as a fulcrum.
13
00:00:42,417 --> 00:00:46,046
I read in Runner's World that they can
improve your vertical leap by ten percent.
14
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:47,548
Try 12%, babe.
15
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:51,426
That's more than a shoe
there, Normie, that's a God.
16
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,973
Now, if you gentlemen will
just stand back for a second...
17
00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,851
I'm going to try these puppies out.
18
00:01:03,730 --> 00:01:04,648
And we're off.
19
00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:23,518
Paulie, at 7:00, we go to Gary's, right?
20
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:26,271
Wait a minute.
You're going over to Gary's bar?
21
00:02:26,438 --> 00:02:29,858
Sammy. Big heavyweight fight tonight.
He's got a satellite dish. You don't.
22
00:02:30,025 --> 00:02:32,527
You're deserting me for that snake?
23
00:02:32,694 --> 00:02:33,945
You're gonna give money
to the one guy I hate
24
00:02:34,112 --> 00:02:35,364
more than anyone else
in the whole world?
25
00:02:35,530 --> 00:02:37,699
Of course not, Sammy.
I'm going to run a tab.
26
00:02:40,369 --> 00:02:42,996
Sammy, we wouldn't go anywhere
if you had a satellite dish.
27
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:46,792
If it means that much, to you,
I will look into it, all right?
28
00:02:46,958 --> 00:02:49,336
I for one am filled
with a sense of foreboding
29
00:02:49,503 --> 00:02:51,338
when I contemplate
the future of a culture
30
00:02:51,505 --> 00:02:53,674
whose primary source of recreation
31
00:02:53,840 --> 00:02:56,551
is watching more and more
mindless television.
32
00:02:56,718 --> 00:03:00,931
- Don't you agree, Frasier?
- Now, why is Gilligan magnetized?
33
00:03:05,268 --> 00:03:07,145
Because he was struck by lightning.
34
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,898
Every time this episode airs
you ask that question.
35
00:03:12,359 --> 00:03:13,235
Sam?
36
00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:18,281
Damn it. Why does Cliff have
his personal mail sent to my bar?
37
00:03:18,448 --> 00:03:19,866
Well, when you've been harassed
38
00:03:20,033 --> 00:03:21,660
by as many agents
of the government as Cliff has,
39
00:03:21,827 --> 00:03:23,370
you naturally develop a reluctance
40
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:25,205
to give them
your own return address.
41
00:03:26,498 --> 00:03:28,959
He got a letter
from The Tonight Show in California.
42
00:03:29,126 --> 00:03:31,336
Is he still trying
to sell jokes to Johnny Carson?
43
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:33,422
When's that poor guy gonna give up?
44
00:03:33,588 --> 00:03:35,590
He is. I hear he's leaving
the show at the end of May.
45
00:03:40,011 --> 00:03:40,929
Hey, everybody.
46
00:03:41,096 --> 00:03:42,013
Hey, Cliff ie.
47
00:03:42,973 --> 00:03:46,393
Sam, pour me a cold one, will ya?
It's been a long day.
48
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:48,687
- What's the problem, bub?
- Hard to say.
49
00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:51,982
I seem to have lost
the spring in my step.
50
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,443
Well, just pull one
out of your head.
51
00:03:56,403 --> 00:03:58,155
Hey, you got a letter from NBC.
52
00:03:58,321 --> 00:04:00,574
Forget it. It's just another rejection.
53
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:02,159
Come on. How do you know that?
54
00:04:02,325 --> 00:04:03,910
Sammy, I'm just a plaything
55
00:04:04,077 --> 00:04:06,371
of that fickle maiden
known as Miss Comedy.
56
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:10,834
Last night, I went down
to the Laff Tureen to gig.
57
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:13,587
They wouldn't let me go on.
58
00:04:13,754 --> 00:04:15,964
It was amateur night.
They said I wasn't ready.
59
00:04:16,923 --> 00:04:18,759
Cliff, you're not going to give up.
60
00:04:18,925 --> 00:04:20,510
With the current
sorry state of the world,
61
00:04:20,677 --> 00:04:22,429
we need your humor
now more than ever.
62
00:04:22,596 --> 00:04:24,306
Thank you very much, Lilith.
63
00:04:24,473 --> 00:04:26,349
You've always been
my number-one fan.
64
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:29,519
In fact, you've been my only fan.
65
00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:34,441
I wasn't joking.
66
00:04:36,401 --> 00:04:39,863
I'm sorry. It must have been the way
you instinctively time everything.
67
00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:42,282
You can't learn that, you know.
68
00:04:43,825 --> 00:04:46,953
Save your breath.
Nothing's gonna do me any good.
69
00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,080
Cliff, why don't you
just go on back
70
00:04:49,247 --> 00:04:53,043
and lie down on the pool table.
I think there's a game going on.
71
00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:56,296
Everybody's a comedian.
72
00:04:57,798 --> 00:04:59,216
Everybody except me.
73
00:05:01,676 --> 00:05:03,887
Carla, you hurt him.
74
00:05:04,054 --> 00:05:05,013
Oh, thanks.
75
00:05:07,265 --> 00:05:08,558
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
76
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:11,436
I'm just gonna open this letter.
Maybe it is good news.
77
00:05:11,603 --> 00:05:14,356
I'm just so sick and tired
of everybody in this bar
78
00:05:14,523 --> 00:05:16,316
having such a negative attitude.
79
00:05:16,817 --> 00:05:18,443
Good things do happen.
80
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:20,070
So did they buy his joke?
81
00:05:20,904 --> 00:05:22,072
Yeah, what do you think?
82
00:05:24,241 --> 00:05:27,661
"Mr. Clavin, thank you very much
for your submission to The Tonight Show.
83
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:30,580
We will not be using your material.
Enclosed is your submission."
84
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:33,208
What was it this time?
Let me put my beer down.
85
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:34,751
I don't want it
coming through my nose.
86
00:05:39,381 --> 00:05:41,299
"Today's Doc Severinsen's birthday.
87
00:05:41,466 --> 00:05:43,927
Doc is so old
that when he was a kid
88
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,137
he never blew out candles
on his birthday cake.
89
00:05:46,304 --> 00:05:47,514
They didn't have fire yet."
90
00:05:51,685 --> 00:05:55,397
Lilith, you can't possibly
be laughing at that terrible joke.
91
00:05:56,064 --> 00:05:59,609
You don't find humor in the exaggeration
of a contemporary man
92
00:05:59,776 --> 00:06:03,363
predating an event
which took place 45,000 years ago?
93
00:06:04,656 --> 00:06:07,909
Well, had Cliff phrased it
like that, sure, hellzapoppin'.
94
00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:11,246
Poor Cliff ie.
95
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:13,623
I really kind of hate
to see him suffering like this.
96
00:06:13,790 --> 00:06:17,127
You know, I think it's about time
we had Cliff put to sleep.
97
00:06:21,548 --> 00:06:23,258
He had a lot of good years.
98
00:06:24,759 --> 00:06:26,177
There is one way to cheer him up.
99
00:06:26,344 --> 00:06:28,763
You know, we could change
this letter of rejection
100
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,557
to look like a letter of acceptance.
101
00:06:31,975 --> 00:06:33,268
It would be pretty easy, actually.
102
00:06:33,435 --> 00:06:36,146
So are you just going to dismiss
my putting him to sleep idea?
103
00:06:37,772 --> 00:06:39,566
We're not even
going to talk about it?
104
00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:44,195
All we have to do is just
white out the word "not"...
105
00:06:45,864 --> 00:06:46,823
...and...
106
00:06:47,407 --> 00:06:50,577
It looks like
"we will be using your submission."
107
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:54,539
Pretty good with that white-out stuff.
108
00:06:55,290 --> 00:06:57,292
Sammy, I used to be an accountant.
109
00:07:00,128 --> 00:07:02,380
Many's the time this stuff
kept me out of Leavenworth.
110
00:07:03,673 --> 00:07:05,508
I don't know, gentlemen.
111
00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:09,346
Should we really encourage Cliff
in these flights of fancy?
112
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:12,641
I cite for an example
his Kennedy conspiracy theory.
113
00:07:12,807 --> 00:07:15,727
I, for one, have never believed
the Beatles were involved.
114
00:07:19,814 --> 00:07:21,274
Give the guy a break, okay, for once.
115
00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:22,275
Cliff ie!
116
00:07:22,442 --> 00:07:23,443
- Yeah?
- Cliff ie, come out here.
117
00:07:23,610 --> 00:07:25,236
We opened your letter
from The Tonight Show.
118
00:07:25,403 --> 00:07:27,238
Johnny loves the joke.
They're going to use it on the show.
119
00:07:27,405 --> 00:07:29,824
- You're kidding.
- Read it. Go ahead.
120
00:07:32,535 --> 00:07:34,496
Wait! I did it!
121
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:37,791
I did it! I sold a joke
to Johnny Carson.
122
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,670
This is the happiest moment of my life!
123
00:07:42,295 --> 00:07:45,298
Take your last look
at Clifford Clavin, letter carrier.
124
00:07:45,465 --> 00:07:47,175
When my joke hits the airwaves,
125
00:07:47,884 --> 00:07:49,678
I'm going to start a new career. Yup.
126
00:07:49,844 --> 00:07:51,096
It's going to be Cliff Clavin...
127
00:07:51,262 --> 00:07:52,180
jokemeister,
128
00:07:52,347 --> 00:07:53,348
Doctor of Ha Ha,
129
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:54,391
the funny man.
130
00:07:55,475 --> 00:07:58,478
Yeah. I'm going to be hanging around
with a whole new group of friends...
131
00:07:59,270 --> 00:08:00,730
...Oscar and Emmy.
132
00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:04,484
Ciao.
133
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:08,989
Carla, what was your plan again?
134
00:08:09,823 --> 00:08:12,534
Okay. So we tell him
he's getting a flu shot.
135
00:08:19,541 --> 00:08:22,877
Hey, Sammy, look at this.
Here it is, right here in the classified.
136
00:08:23,044 --> 00:08:27,882
You can buy a used satellite dish
for 300 bucks, install it yourself.
137
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:30,427
I don't know anything
about installing a satellite dish.
138
00:08:30,593 --> 00:08:32,053
Come on, Sam.
What's the big deal?
139
00:08:32,220 --> 00:08:34,848
You clamp it to the roof
and you run a few wires down.
140
00:08:35,557 --> 00:08:36,474
I don't know, Carla.
141
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,518
My uncle Skyler tried to do that
142
00:08:38,685 --> 00:08:41,062
with a milking machine
right before an electrical storm.
143
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,691
The cows never forgave him for it.
144
00:08:46,776 --> 00:08:47,861
It was worth it though.
145
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:50,238
We had cottage cheese
sandwiches for a month.
146
00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:54,993
Hey, everybody. Guess what.
147
00:08:55,160 --> 00:08:57,746
Cliff Clavin is off
to the entertainment capital of the world.
148
00:08:57,912 --> 00:08:58,788
The dream factory,
149
00:08:58,955 --> 00:09:00,790
the land of glitz, glamour,
and make-believe.
150
00:09:01,833 --> 00:09:03,251
You're going to Chuck E. Cheese?
151
00:09:03,918 --> 00:09:07,964
No, Woody.
I'm going to Hollywood, California.
152
00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:10,175
I got some nonrefundable tickets
here in my hand
153
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,593
that are gonna take me to Burbank.
154
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:14,095
When Johnny Carson
delights America with my joke,
155
00:09:14,596 --> 00:09:16,431
me and Ma are gonna be
sitting there watching it live.
156
00:09:17,140 --> 00:09:19,934
You know, they write
an awful lot of jokes, Cliff.
157
00:09:20,518 --> 00:09:21,394
Just cause they bought yours
158
00:09:21,561 --> 00:09:23,354
doesn't necessarily mean
they're gonna use it.
159
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,858
Jeez. Now I'm a little confused here.
160
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:28,151
I guess you're the one
161
00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:29,903
who's currently employed as a writer
162
00:09:30,070 --> 00:09:32,113
for The Tonight Show
starring Johnny Carson.
163
00:09:34,866 --> 00:09:36,326
You're right, Cliff.
I was just saying
164
00:09:36,493 --> 00:09:39,037
you could be setting
yourself up for a big fall here.
165
00:09:40,914 --> 00:09:42,999
The only question is
whether Johnny is gonna invite me
166
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:44,793
to sit up there
on the couch next to him.
167
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,755
I better call Ma. She'll be thrilled.
168
00:09:50,340 --> 00:09:53,468
You got to do something, man.
This has gone far enough.
169
00:09:54,177 --> 00:09:56,513
I can't, Sammy.
I'm no good at giving bad news.
170
00:09:56,679 --> 00:09:58,139
What are you talking about?
171
00:09:58,306 --> 00:10:00,642
You told Vera about losing
all those jobs, right?
172
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,602
I'm going to get to that
when the time is right.
173
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:06,439
All right, I will, I will, I will.
174
00:10:07,649 --> 00:10:10,276
Oh, boy. I was right.
She was tickled pink.
175
00:10:11,027 --> 00:10:12,362
The two places
she most wants to see
176
00:10:12,529 --> 00:10:13,738
before she goes
to the great beyond
177
00:10:13,905 --> 00:10:15,990
is Formosa and Burbank.
178
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:19,119
Cliff ie, there's something
I have to tell you, buddy.
179
00:10:19,285 --> 00:10:21,746
Wait. There's something
I got to tell you first.
180
00:10:21,913 --> 00:10:23,456
When I was at the travel agency,
181
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:27,210
I got three nonrefundable
tickets to Burbank.
182
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:29,295
Guess whose name
is on the third one.
183
00:10:29,462 --> 00:10:31,506
Please don't let it be Norm Peterson.
184
00:10:31,673 --> 00:10:33,299
Norm Peterson!
185
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,511
I'm going to California!
186
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:09,479
I love working with my hands.
Don't you, Sam?
187
00:12:09,646 --> 00:12:11,189
Yeah, Woody, I do,
188
00:12:12,106 --> 00:12:14,442
but not with any mechanical stuff.
189
00:12:16,110 --> 00:12:18,279
You have any idea
how a satellite dish works?
190
00:12:19,030 --> 00:12:20,240
You mean you don't?
191
00:12:20,782 --> 00:12:22,325
Well, to be honest, no.
192
00:12:22,492 --> 00:12:25,328
Well, you got a satellite up there.
193
00:12:25,495 --> 00:12:26,955
How far up there?
194
00:12:27,121 --> 00:12:30,750
About 72 million miles,
give or take a few light years.
195
00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:33,544
And it's got a gizmo up there,
196
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:35,838
so when you send
your TV stuff up there,
197
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:38,007
it shoots it right back down
here to this baby.
198
00:12:40,593 --> 00:12:42,845
You sure know
a lot about the world, Sam.
199
00:12:43,012 --> 00:12:45,098
Oh, Woody, I'm an avid reader.
200
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:49,852
You know, when you look
up there at all those stars
201
00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:51,688
and all those galaxies...
202
00:12:53,481 --> 00:12:56,651
...you realize just how big
this satellite dish really is.
203
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,368
Boy, oh, boy.
This is something, isn't it, Ma?
204
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:06,828
Who would've believed it?
205
00:13:06,995 --> 00:13:09,455
There it is, the couch,
the desk, and the curtains.
206
00:13:10,873 --> 00:13:14,460
Listen, Cliff, before Johnny starts
his monologue, there's something
207
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,297
- I really want to tell you.
- Suddenly it's Johnny, huh, Norm?
208
00:13:17,463 --> 00:13:20,717
I work with the man
and I don't get to call him Johnny.
209
00:13:21,342 --> 00:13:23,553
Anyway, before he starts the monologue,
210
00:13:23,720 --> 00:13:26,514
- I'd like to tell you something, okay?
- Hey, Cliff Clavin.
211
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:29,559
I'm from Boston.
I wrote tonight's monologue.
212
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,936
Really? Then you know Johnny.
213
00:13:32,729 --> 00:13:35,481
Well, does anybody
really know Johnny?
214
00:13:37,483 --> 00:13:39,110
Hey. There's those people
we met in line.
215
00:13:39,277 --> 00:13:41,362
I'm going to go over
and say howdy-do.
216
00:13:44,699 --> 00:13:46,576
Norman, I want to thank you.
217
00:13:46,743 --> 00:13:47,660
For what?
218
00:13:47,827 --> 00:13:50,747
I know Clifford
doesn't have many friends.
219
00:13:50,913 --> 00:13:54,125
I remember that surprise
birthday party I organized for him,
220
00:13:54,292 --> 00:13:56,586
and you were the only one
who showed up.
221
00:13:56,753 --> 00:13:58,921
Yeah. Where were you, anyway?
222
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:01,591
I just forgot.
223
00:14:02,383 --> 00:14:05,178
Mrs. Clavin, I have
a confession to make.
224
00:14:05,928 --> 00:14:06,929
What do you mean?
225
00:14:07,889 --> 00:14:10,266
The Tonight Show
didn't really accept Cliff's joke.
226
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:14,020
I got a hold of a rejection letter
and I sort of changed it around
227
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,772
to make it look as if
they accepted it.
228
00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:17,732
Oh, my Lord.
229
00:14:17,899 --> 00:14:19,233
I wanted to tell him earlier,
230
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:21,152
but it's been so long since
I've had a vacation,
231
00:14:21,319 --> 00:14:22,945
and Lord knows I've needed one.
232
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,200
Norman, you are
a naughty, naughty boy.
233
00:14:27,867 --> 00:14:28,785
I'm sorry.
234
00:14:28,951 --> 00:14:31,245
You're his best friend.
You've got to do something
235
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:33,122
or suffer the consequences.
236
00:14:34,374 --> 00:14:35,249
Okay.
237
00:14:35,875 --> 00:14:38,127
All right, let me see what I can do.
238
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,345
Excuse me, buddy.
Could I talk to you for a minute?
239
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:48,513
What do you need?
240
00:14:50,681 --> 00:14:52,433
How would you like
to make a couple hundred bucks?
241
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:54,018
What are you talking about?
242
00:14:55,478 --> 00:14:57,939
A friend of mine wrote
this joke and I was wondering
243
00:14:58,106 --> 00:15:00,817
if you could sort of slip it
into Johnny Carson's monologue.
244
00:15:00,983 --> 00:15:04,320
Oh, sure. We do it all the time.
Most of Johnny's jokes come
245
00:15:04,487 --> 00:15:07,657
from folks just like yourself
in the audience who offer us money.
246
00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:11,744
I admit it's a bad joke,
247
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,664
but the guy's entire existence
is riding on this.
248
00:15:14,831 --> 00:15:17,834
This is a bad joke?
A sure clunker?
249
00:15:18,334 --> 00:15:20,086
Johnny will definitely bomb with this?
250
00:15:20,253 --> 00:15:21,587
I'm afraid so.
251
00:15:21,754 --> 00:15:24,590
Well, I'm out of work
in a month anyway.
252
00:15:25,091 --> 00:15:27,009
Jay Leno has his own people.
253
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:28,761
Let me see the joke.
254
00:15:29,887 --> 00:15:32,723
Thank you so much
how much can I give you?
255
00:15:32,890 --> 00:15:36,060
Don't worry about it.
Buy me a beer after the show.
256
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,522
Wherever you go,
people are the same.
257
00:15:43,860 --> 00:15:46,654
Woody, I think we did it.
I think we got this thing working.
258
00:15:47,405 --> 00:15:48,698
- Sam?
- Yeah.
259
00:15:49,991 --> 00:15:51,117
Do you think there's a reason
260
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:54,078
for all these stars
and all these planets and...
261
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:58,082
For all of us being
here where we are?
262
00:15:59,041 --> 00:16:00,668
Yeah, Woody, I do.
263
00:16:01,961 --> 00:16:03,921
Would you happen to know
what that reason is?
264
00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:08,301
Come on, man.
I'm just proud of myself
265
00:16:08,468 --> 00:16:10,720
for installing this satellite dish.
266
00:16:10,887 --> 00:16:12,763
Do you think I'm supposed
to marry Kelly, Sam?
267
00:16:12,930 --> 00:16:14,974
You think that's what
the plan is for me?
268
00:16:15,141 --> 00:16:16,809
You getting cold feet, buddy?
269
00:16:17,935 --> 00:16:21,230
Yeah, it is a little chilly up here,
but I'm trying to talk philosophical.
270
00:16:22,106 --> 00:16:23,566
Yeah, I think
you should marry her.
271
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:26,194
You guys are in love, man.
That's the best.
272
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:30,740
You know, sometimes I don't think
I'll ever find someone.
273
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:33,701
I thought Diane was
going to be the one
274
00:16:33,868 --> 00:16:36,078
but it turns out she wasn't.
275
00:16:36,579 --> 00:16:38,289
It was lucky for me,
because if she had been,
276
00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:42,126
I just would've ended up killing her
and dying in the electric chair.
277
00:16:45,213 --> 00:16:46,297
That is lucky.
278
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:49,634
And Rebecca...
279
00:16:50,760 --> 00:16:52,261
We wanted to have a baby together,
280
00:16:52,428 --> 00:16:55,640
but that's no reason
to get serious about anyone.
281
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:02,313
You know, I used to think I had it made.
You know, I got my freedom, my bar.
282
00:17:03,231 --> 00:17:05,399
Goes without saying,
I'm a love machine.
283
00:17:06,275 --> 00:17:08,861
But recently, you know,
when I've been alone,
284
00:17:10,154 --> 00:17:11,322
I kind of feel lonely.
285
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:15,409
Well, Sam, Kelly and I are probably
286
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:19,413
gonna have a big,
beautiful house someday with...
287
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:24,293
...a garden and swimming pool
and lots of servants.
288
00:17:24,460 --> 00:17:26,003
When you get too old
to take care of yourself,
289
00:17:26,170 --> 00:17:27,505
you can come live with us.
290
00:17:28,297 --> 00:17:31,133
That's sweet, but I think
I'll be able to manage.
291
00:17:35,513 --> 00:17:36,847
Would I get my own room?
292
00:17:38,641 --> 00:17:42,937
And now here's Johnny!
293
00:18:00,496 --> 00:18:01,789
Thank you, folks.
Please don't suck up.
294
00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,332
I'm leaving everything to Doc.
295
00:18:04,792 --> 00:18:07,503
I don't know if you know this or not,
but today is Doc Severinsen's birthday.
296
00:18:11,257 --> 00:18:12,717
You really dressed up tonight.
297
00:18:12,883 --> 00:18:14,510
Yeah. A little something special.
298
00:18:14,677 --> 00:18:15,803
If you think that's in bad taste,
299
00:18:15,970 --> 00:18:17,930
you ought to see him
in his real birthday suit.
300
00:18:20,141 --> 00:18:21,058
Doc is so old...
301
00:18:21,225 --> 00:18:22,310
Oh, my God. Here it comes.
302
00:18:22,476 --> 00:18:24,854
- How old is he?
- Yes!
303
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:26,439
When he was a kid,
he never blew out
304
00:18:26,606 --> 00:18:29,650
candles on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
305
00:18:31,736 --> 00:18:32,653
Stay where you are.
306
00:18:33,696 --> 00:18:35,406
Fortunately, folks,
in a situation like this,
307
00:18:35,573 --> 00:18:37,825
the band has instructions
to come over and form
308
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:39,368
a human barrier
in front of the star.
309
00:18:40,036 --> 00:18:42,204
How did that line get
on the cue cards, anyway?
310
00:18:42,371 --> 00:18:43,748
I should've done that joke
with one of those big,
311
00:18:43,914 --> 00:18:45,291
blue dots covering my face.
312
00:18:46,250 --> 00:18:47,710
Who wrote that joke anyway?
313
00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:49,003
I wrote that joke.
314
00:18:49,170 --> 00:18:50,421
And it was great.
315
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:52,298
Pardon me.
316
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:54,508
The problem wasn't the joke.
The problem was you.
317
00:18:54,675 --> 00:18:55,676
You botched it.
318
00:18:55,843 --> 00:18:57,637
You botched my joke, Johnny Carson!
319
00:18:59,472 --> 00:19:00,681
- Sit down.
- I'm not gonna sit down.
320
00:19:00,848 --> 00:19:01,724
I wrote that joke.
321
00:19:01,891 --> 00:19:03,267
Get your hands off me.
322
00:19:03,976 --> 00:19:06,270
Is this the way you treat
your talent, Carson?
323
00:19:06,979 --> 00:19:09,315
Ladies and gentlemen,
the president of NBC.
324
00:19:14,445 --> 00:19:16,030
Excuse me.
325
00:19:16,197 --> 00:19:20,284
With all due respect, Mr. Carson,
you didn't tell my son's joke correctly.
326
00:19:20,451 --> 00:19:22,411
- You're his mother?
- Yes.
327
00:19:22,995 --> 00:19:27,291
And I want you to tell it again,
and this time, put a little life into it.
328
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,253
Audience, can you stand
to hear this joke again?
329
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:37,218
Doc is so old...
330
00:19:37,385 --> 00:19:39,136
How old is he?
331
00:19:39,303 --> 00:19:41,013
When he was a kid,
he never blew out candles
332
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,307
on a birthday cake.
They didn't have fire yet.
333
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:48,854
No. No. Now, tell it again
and this time, hit the word "have."
334
00:19:50,106 --> 00:19:52,900
And it wouldn't kill you
to turn on the "applause" sign.
335
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,277
- Hit the word "have."
- "Have."
336
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:00,199
Doc is so old...
337
00:20:00,366 --> 00:20:02,326
How old is he?
338
00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:03,994
When he was a kid,
he never blew out candles
339
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:05,079
on a birthday cake.
340
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:06,580
They didn't have fire yet.
341
00:20:18,467 --> 00:20:20,970
You see? They heard
that joke three times,
342
00:20:21,137 --> 00:20:22,096
and they still laughed.
343
00:20:22,263 --> 00:20:24,765
Now, don't tell me my son
doesn't know comedy.
344
00:20:25,307 --> 00:20:26,809
You're a pretty funny lady yourself.
345
00:20:26,976 --> 00:20:28,144
Would you like to come
down and join me?
346
00:20:29,311 --> 00:20:30,396
I'd love that!
347
00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:37,236
I'm so excited!
348
00:20:43,492 --> 00:20:46,370
Yeah. There'll be a lawsuit.
That's for sure.
349
00:20:46,537 --> 00:20:49,623
In a year, this is gonna be
the Clavin broadcasting company.
350
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:51,250
Yup. His name's in the computer.
351
00:20:51,792 --> 00:20:54,378
And here's a flash,
he's a postal worker.
352
00:20:55,004 --> 00:20:58,132
I can take your torture.
I'm not scared of you guys.
353
00:20:58,299 --> 00:20:59,842
My poor mother's out there.
354
00:21:00,384 --> 00:21:02,470
She had to watch her only son
being dragged off.
355
00:21:02,636 --> 00:21:04,513
Probably broken
an old woman's spirit.
356
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:07,099
Johnny, I want
to give you a little advice.
357
00:21:07,266 --> 00:21:09,560
When you retire,
get dressed every morning.
358
00:21:09,727 --> 00:21:12,104
You don't want to sit
all day in your pajamas.
359
00:21:12,271 --> 00:21:13,522
You lose some dignity.
360
00:21:14,565 --> 00:21:15,483
Thank you, Mrs. Clavin.
361
00:21:15,649 --> 00:21:17,902
Oh, please, call me Esther.
362
00:21:18,068 --> 00:21:20,362
Ma's with Johnny.
363
00:21:20,988 --> 00:21:24,033
Esther, how did your son
get this joke on in the first place?
364
00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:26,577
A friend of Clifford's arranged that.
365
00:21:26,744 --> 00:21:28,037
In fact, he's here tonight.
366
00:21:28,204 --> 00:21:31,207
Norman, come on down
and bring my purse.
367
00:21:45,054 --> 00:21:46,430
Cliff, come on.
Let's get out of here.
368
00:21:46,597 --> 00:21:48,390
In a minute, Norm, in a minute.
369
00:21:48,557 --> 00:21:50,434
Normie, right here.
370
00:21:51,060 --> 00:21:52,520
This is where Johnny did my joke.
371
00:21:53,395 --> 00:21:56,524
Yeah! This is probably
just the beginning.
372
00:21:56,690 --> 00:21:58,108
Who knows? Leno may see it.
373
00:21:58,275 --> 00:22:01,278
Hire me as a writer.
Few years, retire himself.
374
00:22:01,445 --> 00:22:03,155
Name me as his successor.
375
00:22:03,906 --> 00:22:05,491
Cliff ie, let's... come on.
376
00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:07,618
Go on. I'll meet you outside.
377
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:11,455
Ladies and gentlemen...
378
00:22:12,331 --> 00:22:13,874
...here's Cliff ie!
379
00:22:21,590 --> 00:22:23,259
Feels good, doesn't it?
380
00:22:25,302 --> 00:22:26,720
Sure does, Mr. Carson.
381
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:29,348
Now get the hell out of here
before I call security.
382
00:22:31,559 --> 00:22:34,436
Esther, does Spago's
Restaurant sound okay?
383
00:22:36,981 --> 00:22:38,941
Nobody knows for sure Woody, but...
384
00:22:39,525 --> 00:22:41,402
...that's what I think
happens when you die.
385
00:22:44,321 --> 00:22:45,948
Boy that's great, Sam.
386
00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:48,701
Especially the part
about Snickers for breakfast!