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Cheers is filmed
before a live studio audience.
2
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What do you want
to do tonight, Cliff?
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00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:08,967
I don't know.
What do you want to do?
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I don't know.
5
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You guys, you do this
all day long for hours.
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Face it, Rebecca. We're bored.
Nothing ever happens around here.
7
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Oh, my God.
8
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Hey, it's Andy Andy.
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What, you know this person?
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Yeah. Former major felon.
Once killed a waitress.
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Where's Diane?
I demand to see Diane!
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Miss Chambers hasn't
worked here in five or six years.
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Oh, really?
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Well...
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Okay.
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So...
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What do you want to do?
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Well, well, well.
So Maggie O'Keefe's back in town.
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Couldn't get enough
of the old Clavin monster, I guess.
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Who's... who's Maggie O'Keefe?
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That's Cliff's old girlfriend.
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I'm sorry. Cliff's what?
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No, no. I've been thinking about you, too.
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What?
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Come on. Can't say that
in front of the guys.
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All right. I love you, too.
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That was Ma.
Maggie's back in town.
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So how long has it been
since you've seen Maggie?
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Oh, about six months.
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She skipped off to Canada
for a while, and...
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according to Ma, she's back
in town, wants to see me.
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I guess she's just looking for
a booster shot of vitamin CC.
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Yeah. Maybe things just
didn't work out in Canada.
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I'll never forget
when my uncle Orlo left Hanover
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to seek his fortune in the big city.
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Know what happened?
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Terre Haute just chewed him up
and spit him out.
38
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Yep. Came back
with his head between his legs.
39
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Actually, I think the expression is
"tail between his legs."
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No. There was a train accident
on the way back.
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Yeah.
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It's a real tragedy.
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Yeah. A year later,
he drowned in a sitz bath.
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Guess what I kept seeing
as I was driving into work just now?
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The middle finger
of every driver in Boston?
46
00:03:37,134 --> 00:03:40,929
No, the new ad campaign
for Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
47
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He has got billboards,
buses, tops of taxis.
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He's got everything. I'm telling you,
that guy's business is going to double.
49
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Well, what am I supposed to do?
50
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I think that we should do
some advertising.
51
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Maybe we should do
a commercial on the radio.
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A jingle. Something real catchy.
53
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No, I don't want to do a jingle.
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That's stupid.
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You know, Sammy's right there, Becs.
What you want is a word-of-mouth campaign.
56
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I'd be happy to help.
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I'll talk it up down
at the old post office.
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Before you know it, this place
will be wall-to-wall with letter carriers.
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You think I'm entertaining.
Multiply me by a hundred.
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- Jingle!
- Jingle!
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Well, Miss Howe you have
certainly come to the right place.
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I'm going to hook you up
with our very best composer.
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Send in Jason.
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We should probably talk
about the budget now.
65
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Yes, I am prepared
to spend as much as $200.
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Keep Jason.
Somebody wake up Sy Flembeck.
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Oh, advertising.
68
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You know, I almost went into advertising.
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I think I would've been real good at it
because I am really good with...
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00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,838
what's that called when people are...
two people are talking to each other?
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You mean communication.
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Yes! I have a real knack for that.
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So, it's curtains for me, huh?
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The old "Adios, Flembeck."
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I knew this day would come.
76
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I gave this firm
the best years of my life.
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It turns around and kicks me
right in the hemorrhoid hotel.
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00:05:12,521 --> 00:05:14,105
Pardon my French, babe.
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Well, before I go,
let me tell you something,
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00:05:16,358 --> 00:05:19,486
Mr. Pimply-Faced Teenager
who's running the shop this week,
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I wrote 'Chocolate,
chocolate, who ate my bar?"
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When you were still dangling
from your mother's breast,
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you cheap SOB.
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Sy, we've got a job for you.
85
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You didn't let me finish.
86
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You have to be that way
cause you're a leader.
87
00:05:36,169 --> 00:05:38,880
Leadership has its price,
and I respect that.
88
00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:41,174
And I respect you.
89
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Does it show?
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The love, I mean.
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00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:48,765
Well, here you go, Miss Howe.
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$200 worth of perfection.
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Let's go to my cubicle, babe.
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00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:55,605
We'll throw some ideas at the wall,
and see if they stick.
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This is so exciting.
96
00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:05,323
This is Cheers.
97
00:06:05,490 --> 00:06:07,033
Great. Where's the old 88s?
98
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,118
Right over here.
99
00:06:08,285 --> 00:06:10,203
Do you think you can write
something for this place
100
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that's really going to capture
the spirit of Cheers?
101
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:15,166
But you have to do it right away.
102
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Because there's a lot
of competition out there.
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Let me ask you something.
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Why don't you put
a little more pressure on me?
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Because I haven't had a stroke
in about two months.
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- Thank you.
- Sorry.
107
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I'm sure you'll do a great job.
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Of course I will.
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Perhaps you heard my humble efforts
for Fred's Tune-ups.
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Tune-ups, tune-ups
That's our game
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F-r-e-d-s
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If you don't come here
That's a shame
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F-r-e-d-s
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With an F-F here
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Everybody!
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F-f there
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E-excuse me!
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Isn't that just
"Old MacDonald's Farm"?
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When Old MacDonald
pays me 200 bucks,
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it'll be "Old MacDonald's Farm."
121
00:07:02,672 --> 00:07:07,135
So, Cliff ie, when is Maggie
actually going to show up here?
122
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Yeah, where's this
alleged girlfriend of yours?
123
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,681
Paul, I'm sure there's
a very good reason
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why she isn't here.
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Thank you, Carla.
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Namely that Clavin dismembered her
and stacked her in his freezer.
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The police took that call
of yours very seriously.
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Missed a half a day's work,
thank you very much.
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Poor Ma didn't know what to think.
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She tossed out a whole year's worth
of Omaha steaks trying to protect me.
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You must be pretty excited
to see Maggie, huh?
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Oh, yeah. Darn excited, Sammy.
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Yeah, boy, when we're together,
we're the hottest couple imaginable.
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Yeah, I got the hormones,
the drive, the needs.
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Yes sirree, my body's
like one big erogenous zone.
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00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:58,228
Five, four, three...
137
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What are you doing, Carla?
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Counting down.
I'm about to launch my lunch.
139
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Whoop. Whoop. Look at that.
Here comes Maggie now.
140
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Yeah, well, I just better stand firm.
141
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,867
I mean, nobody ties
Cliff Clavin down, that's for sure.
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She can have me back,
but no commitments.
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Mark my words.
144
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Hey, there, baby.
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Remember me?
146
00:08:20,458 --> 00:08:21,668
I sure do, Cliff.
147
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Or should I say "Daddy"?
148
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How is he?
149
00:08:38,059 --> 00:08:40,353
Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
How's he doing there, Frasier?
150
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:41,896
Oh, better, I think.
151
00:08:42,063 --> 00:08:44,357
Carla volunteered
to bathe his face with cold water.
152
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:46,693
He was doing fine till the seat
came down on his head.
153
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I should go to him.
154
00:08:51,239 --> 00:08:53,324
No. Trust me. I'm a doctor.
155
00:08:54,034 --> 00:08:55,368
I've seen many cases of shock.
156
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What I suggest you do
is go out for a while,
157
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:03,626
give Cliff time to regain his composure,
then you can come on back, sit down,
158
00:09:03,793 --> 00:09:05,879
and have a nice little chat
with him about...
159
00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:09,340
...well, whatever it is
you wish to discuss with him.
160
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:11,634
Thank you, Doctor.
161
00:09:11,801 --> 00:09:14,763
Perhaps it was a bit much
to spring on him.
162
00:09:14,929 --> 00:09:16,347
Tell him I'll be back in a little while.
163
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All right.
164
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Well, from our 'things you never
thought you'd hear" category,
165
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that woman is carrying Cliff's child.
166
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Come on, buddy.
167
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,618
Where is she?
168
00:09:36,785 --> 00:09:38,453
She had to step out
for a little while.
169
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I'll be damned.
170
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:42,457
Let me be the first
to congratulate you, Cliff ie.
171
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Thanks, Sam.
172
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You dog, Cliff ie. Yeah.
173
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What can I say, man? I'm shocked.
174
00:09:49,881 --> 00:09:50,882
How come?
175
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:53,802
Well, you always claimed
that you and Margaret were,
176
00:09:53,968 --> 00:09:57,597
you know, doing it,
but I never really... you know...
177
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,393
I'm just surprised is all, Cliff.
178
00:10:03,978 --> 00:10:06,439
So, she's pregnant with your child.
179
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:07,565
You going to go through Lamaze,
180
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or you figure it'll just
burst out through her chest?
181
00:10:15,156 --> 00:10:16,449
Why did you do it, Cliff?
182
00:10:16,616 --> 00:10:18,952
I begged you to get yourself fixed.
183
00:10:19,536 --> 00:10:22,914
I even offered to pay for it.
Hell, I offered to do it for you.
184
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:26,584
Come on, you guys.
It's celebration time here.
185
00:10:26,751 --> 00:10:29,129
Hey, drinks on the house!
My friend's gonna be a daddy!
186
00:10:29,295 --> 00:10:30,880
- Yay! Yay!
- Yeah!
187
00:10:32,340 --> 00:10:34,134
You are going to marry her,
aren't you, Mr. Clavin?
188
00:10:34,300 --> 00:10:35,969
Be a shame to have to stone her.
189
00:10:39,389 --> 00:10:40,306
Well...
190
00:10:41,224 --> 00:10:43,518
I guess you do things differently
191
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:45,061
back there in Hanover,
don't you, Wood?
192
00:10:45,687 --> 00:10:46,855
America's heartland.
193
00:10:48,731 --> 00:10:52,986
Well, I should have expected it.
I mean, the Clavins never fire blanks.
194
00:10:55,238 --> 00:10:57,031
We're breeders, spawners.
195
00:10:57,782 --> 00:11:00,201
My loins are brimming with vitality.
196
00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:04,414
Well, I'll never eat again.
Anybody else?
197
00:11:09,627 --> 00:11:12,046
Let's get your mother
on the phone, tell her about it, huh?
198
00:11:12,213 --> 00:11:13,715
Get her down here,
we'll have a little celebration.
199
00:11:13,882 --> 00:11:15,466
There you go.
Good idea, Sammy.
200
00:11:16,342 --> 00:11:17,468
But...
201
00:11:18,469 --> 00:11:19,387
What?
202
00:11:20,263 --> 00:11:21,848
Sammy, could I see you?
203
00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:30,857
So what do you think
Cliff ie will have, a boy, girl?
204
00:11:31,024 --> 00:11:32,317
Is there a third choice?
205
00:11:35,111 --> 00:11:38,156
Sammy, you know,
I don't think that's my baby.
206
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:39,949
Why not?
207
00:11:40,116 --> 00:11:43,119
Well, let's just say that,
you know, sometimes studs know.
208
00:11:45,872 --> 00:11:47,874
Remind me again how studs know?
209
00:11:48,625 --> 00:11:52,212
Well, you know, sometimes
studs just choose to wait it out.
210
00:11:52,378 --> 00:11:56,007
Cliff, you... you never actually
had sex with Maggie, did you?
211
00:11:56,174 --> 00:11:57,926
Well, that depends there, Sam.
212
00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:00,470
- Define sex.
- Oh, Cliff.
213
00:12:02,013 --> 00:12:03,598
You know, we... we meant to,
214
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,184
but we just never really
got around to it there.
215
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,770
You still think I'm a stud, don't you?
216
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,397
Yes, of course.
More than ever, man.
217
00:12:11,564 --> 00:12:13,483
You know, sometimes it takes...
218
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:16,611
takes a bigger stud not to have sex.
219
00:12:17,862 --> 00:12:19,030
What the hell does that mean?
220
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:21,616
I don't know, man.
221
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:23,576
I'm just trying to help you.
Work with me here, will you?
222
00:12:23,743 --> 00:12:27,789
Ah, Sammy, I'm such a failure.
I feel so ashamed of myself.
223
00:12:27,956 --> 00:12:29,207
Oh, no. Don't do that.
224
00:12:29,374 --> 00:12:31,834
Lots of people don't have sex on dates.
225
00:12:32,001 --> 00:12:34,379
Hell, I've dated lots of women
I've never had sex with.
226
00:12:34,545 --> 00:12:35,838
That's kind of hard
to believe there, Sammy.
227
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:37,465
You're not working with me here, Cliff.
228
00:12:38,508 --> 00:12:40,718
Listen, wait a second.
I don't get something here.
229
00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:43,721
If it's not your kid,
how come Maggie's coming in here
230
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,181
and calling you "Daddy"?
231
00:12:45,348 --> 00:12:48,142
That's easy.
She's setting up a trap for me.
232
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:51,813
Put yourself in the frame of mind
of the female psyche.
233
00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,898
She goes off, gets herself pregnant,
234
00:12:54,065 --> 00:12:56,317
looking for a husband,
provider, best friend, lover.
235
00:12:56,484 --> 00:12:59,112
Okay. First name
on top of her wish list...
236
00:13:00,571 --> 00:13:01,823
Cliff Clavin?
237
00:13:04,284 --> 00:13:05,743
Bingo.
238
00:13:07,245 --> 00:13:08,162
So...
239
00:13:08,955 --> 00:13:09,914
What do you think, Sam?
240
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:12,000
I don't know if I'm ready
to get married or not.
241
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:13,960
You don't have to.
It's not your kid.
242
00:13:14,127 --> 00:13:15,503
It's not your responsibility.
243
00:13:15,670 --> 00:13:17,130
Yeah, but you know,
I was out there
244
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,715
in front of the guys
bragging about myself.
245
00:13:18,881 --> 00:13:20,425
Oh, hell, they don't have
to find out about this.
246
00:13:20,591 --> 00:13:21,759
It's none of their business.
247
00:13:21,926 --> 00:13:23,428
What do I tell them?
248
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:25,221
Tell them...
249
00:13:25,930 --> 00:13:28,808
...that you weighed the pros and cons,
and that at this point in your life
250
00:13:28,975 --> 00:13:31,185
you don't feel like
marriage is the right thing for you.
251
00:13:31,352 --> 00:13:33,563
Yeah. Hey, that's great, Sammy. Thank you.
252
00:13:33,730 --> 00:13:36,107
- Yeah.
- Hey, stud handshake.
253
00:13:36,274 --> 00:13:37,442
Oh. Well...
254
00:13:37,608 --> 00:13:39,110
- Oh. All right.
- There you go.
255
00:13:40,862 --> 00:13:43,364
Listen, Sam, just to set
the record straight,
256
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:44,949
just because I didn't
have sex with Margaret
257
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:47,076
doesn't mean I haven't
bagged my share of chicks.
258
00:13:47,243 --> 00:13:49,329
- No, I know that.
- I know you.
259
00:13:49,495 --> 00:13:52,165
I'm a pretty sexy guy.
Women sort of pick up on that.
260
00:13:52,332 --> 00:13:53,249
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
261
00:13:53,416 --> 00:13:55,084
Want to know my secret?
262
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:57,879
Don't wear any underwear.
It's too restraining.
263
00:14:00,048 --> 00:14:01,841
That's... that's super, man.
264
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,676
Thank you. Thank you for sharing that.
265
00:14:06,846 --> 00:14:08,514
I got a little announcement to make.
266
00:14:08,681 --> 00:14:10,016
Margaret and I will not
be getting married.
267
00:14:10,183 --> 00:14:11,476
See, I've weighed the pros and cons...
268
00:14:11,642 --> 00:14:12,935
That's not your kid, is it?
269
00:14:13,603 --> 00:14:15,271
No. See...
270
00:14:15,438 --> 00:14:17,148
You and Maggie didn't do it, did you?
271
00:14:19,734 --> 00:14:20,651
Well, no.
272
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:28,951
I didn't tell you guys
273
00:14:29,118 --> 00:14:31,788
cause I didn't want you
to think any less of me.
274
00:14:31,954 --> 00:14:34,040
Oh, I don't think
that's actually possible, Cliff.
275
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,543
Thank you, big guy.
276
00:14:40,630 --> 00:14:43,132
Hey, babe, your ship just came in.
277
00:14:43,633 --> 00:14:45,968
The muse has visited Sy Flembeck.
278
00:14:46,135 --> 00:14:48,721
- Want to hear what she had to say?
- Oh, boy, do I.
279
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:53,393
I just love the whole creative process,
and I can be pretty creative myself.
280
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:56,020
Oh, yeah? Then why don't
you be Sy Flembeck,
281
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:58,356
I'll be the annoying broad, how's that?
282
00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:01,901
- Go ahead.
- All right.
283
00:15:02,068 --> 00:15:04,445
"The Cheers Theme" by Sy Flembeck.
284
00:15:09,325 --> 00:15:11,369
Beer and pretzels,
That's our game
285
00:15:11,536 --> 00:15:13,329
C-h-e-r-s
286
00:15:13,496 --> 00:15:15,790
If you don't come here,
That's a shame
287
00:15:15,957 --> 00:15:17,792
C-h-e-r-s
288
00:15:17,959 --> 00:15:18,960
With a C-C here
289
00:15:19,127 --> 00:15:20,586
Wait, wait, wait!
290
00:15:21,671 --> 00:15:23,673
What are you doing?
That's all wrong.
291
00:15:24,298 --> 00:15:27,218
First of all,
"Cheers" is spelled with two E's.
292
00:15:30,555 --> 00:15:34,350
Second, I paid you a lot of money
to come up with an original tune.
293
00:15:34,517 --> 00:15:36,686
You don't need an original tune.
You want something
294
00:15:36,853 --> 00:15:39,564
that will bore a hole
through the public's little pea brains.
295
00:15:39,730 --> 00:15:41,941
You are all hype and no substance.
296
00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:45,153
I was mesmerized
by your show business savvy.
297
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,781
You couldn't write
a jingle to save your life.
298
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,325
Hey, babe, come on.
Wait a minute!
299
00:15:51,492 --> 00:15:53,369
What is it, huh? What, what?
300
00:15:53,536 --> 00:15:56,789
The 'Old MacDonald" melody?
Hey! I can change that.
301
00:15:56,956 --> 00:15:59,125
Sy Flembeck is nothing
if he's not versatile.
302
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,170
All right. Just a minute. Okay. I got it.
303
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,425
Beer and pretzels,
That's our game
304
00:16:07,592 --> 00:16:09,677
That's our game,
That's our game
305
00:16:09,844 --> 00:16:11,804
Beer and pretzels,
That's our game
306
00:16:11,971 --> 00:16:13,681
C-h-e-r-s
307
00:16:14,307 --> 00:16:15,808
E! E! E-E!
308
00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:17,226
Out.
309
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:19,770
What's the matter, babe?
310
00:16:19,937 --> 00:16:21,481
Can't work with a man
you're attracted to?
311
00:16:21,647 --> 00:16:23,107
Oh, God. Out!
312
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:25,610
I'll be home all night.
313
00:16:25,776 --> 00:16:28,196
The pay phone's
just down the hall from my room.
314
00:16:30,114 --> 00:16:31,115
God.
315
00:16:31,699 --> 00:16:33,326
What a hack.
316
00:16:33,951 --> 00:16:35,995
I should have known it
the first time I heard
317
00:16:36,162 --> 00:16:38,873
that stupid Fred's Tune-ups song.
318
00:16:39,040 --> 00:16:40,041
Thanks a lot, lady.
Now I'm gonna have
319
00:16:40,208 --> 00:16:42,293
that stupid jingle
in my head all night.
320
00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:44,629
- What stupid jingle?
- You know the one.
321
00:16:44,795 --> 00:16:46,255
Tune-ups, tune-ups,
That's our game
322
00:16:46,422 --> 00:16:47,798
F-r-e-d-s
323
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:49,967
I could use a tune-up.
Are they any good?
324
00:16:50,134 --> 00:16:52,553
You heard the song.
Tune-ups are their game.
325
00:16:52,720 --> 00:16:53,804
Where are they located?
326
00:16:53,971 --> 00:16:56,849
1413 Burlingame, F-r-e-d-s
327
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:59,644
Sy! Sy, wait a minute!
328
00:17:04,774 --> 00:17:06,859
Oh, Cliff, you okay?
329
00:17:07,026 --> 00:17:08,778
Yeah, I am fine, Maggie. Thanks.
330
00:17:08,945 --> 00:17:11,280
I'm sorry I was gone for so long.
331
00:17:11,447 --> 00:17:13,991
I went out and had
some pizza and ribs,
332
00:17:14,158 --> 00:17:17,286
and ice cream,
and pickles, and chocolate.
333
00:17:18,412 --> 00:17:19,872
Maybe it's Norm's kid.
334
00:17:24,502 --> 00:17:27,797
Maggie, I'd like to talk to you
in private for a few minutes.
335
00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:30,466
You mind stepping this way here?
336
00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:33,928
Hey, Sammy, okay
if we use your office, buddy?
337
00:17:34,095 --> 00:17:36,639
Promise me you won't
go through my drawers.
338
00:17:36,806 --> 00:17:37,807
Yeah, okay, I won't.
339
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:39,183
That's what you said last time.
340
00:17:39,350 --> 00:17:40,977
How many times
can I say I'm sorry?
341
00:17:43,813 --> 00:17:45,982
Here. Have a seat there, Maggie.
342
00:17:49,360 --> 00:17:51,612
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie...
343
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:54,490
There's so much I want
to say to you and...
344
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:57,243
So much you want to say to me and...
345
00:17:57,994 --> 00:17:58,995
So...
346
00:17:59,579 --> 00:18:02,915
Holy cow. For a guy
who's always crying poverty,
347
00:18:03,082 --> 00:18:04,959
Sam Malone's doing
pretty well for himself.
348
00:18:07,295 --> 00:18:08,212
Cliff.
349
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,800
Yeah. You know, Maggie,
I've been thinking.
350
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:16,846
You and I both know that baby
couldn't possibly be mine.
351
00:18:21,851 --> 00:18:22,977
Oh, Maggie.
352
00:18:23,894 --> 00:18:27,607
Cliff, I'm so ashamed.
You're right. The baby isn't yours.
353
00:18:28,399 --> 00:18:30,860
I just didn't know
where else to turn.
354
00:18:31,027 --> 00:18:32,778
Well, what happened, Maggie?
355
00:18:32,945 --> 00:18:37,033
Well, up in Canada,
I met a man and fell in love,
356
00:18:37,199 --> 00:18:38,492
and everything was perfect.
357
00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:40,369
We were going to get married,
358
00:18:40,536 --> 00:18:43,331
and then he got scared
and called everything off,
359
00:18:43,831 --> 00:18:47,710
and I didn't have anyone to turn to,
so of course I thought
360
00:18:47,877 --> 00:18:50,588
of the most decent,
honorable man I know.
361
00:18:51,339 --> 00:18:52,965
I'm sorry, Cliff.
362
00:18:53,883 --> 00:18:54,925
So you...
363
00:18:56,510 --> 00:19:00,139
You just run out on me,
and you meet this guy, get pregnant,
364
00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:02,642
he dumps you,
and you come back
365
00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:05,061
so old Cliff will take care of you.
366
00:19:05,728 --> 00:19:06,937
That's right, Cliff.
367
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:10,316
Can do.
368
00:19:12,193 --> 00:19:13,319
What?
369
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:15,321
I will marry you, Margaret.
370
00:19:15,488 --> 00:19:17,365
Oh, thank you, Cliff.
371
00:19:18,866 --> 00:19:22,119
Hey. Here's a little-known fact,
I'm going to be your daddy.
372
00:19:23,913 --> 00:19:25,414
You know, this isn't exactly the way
373
00:19:25,581 --> 00:19:28,125
I've dreamed about
starting a family there, Maggie,
374
00:19:28,292 --> 00:19:30,920
but I've always thought
the world of you.
375
00:19:31,545 --> 00:19:35,299
And I know you'd do the same for me
if the situations were reversed.
376
00:19:38,344 --> 00:19:39,637
But, Cliff, how can...
377
00:19:40,471 --> 00:19:41,389
Never mind.
378
00:19:42,098 --> 00:19:44,058
All right. So, hey, look,
here's what we do.
379
00:19:44,558 --> 00:19:47,645
We skedaddle down to City Hall,
make this thing legal,
380
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:51,273
then we go to my place, sedate Ma,
and give her the good news.
381
00:19:52,358 --> 00:19:53,526
Okay!
382
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,987
Oh. Let me just call Jerry
and tell him he's off the hook
383
00:19:57,154 --> 00:19:58,948
so he won't worry
about me anymore.
384
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:02,034
Is it okay to use this phone
to call long distance?
385
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,953
Yeah, sure. I do it all the time.
386
00:20:07,123 --> 00:20:09,333
Well, Sammy,
champagne all around.
387
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:10,584
Hey. Hey. Whoa.
388
00:20:10,751 --> 00:20:14,088
Yeah. I decided to marry Margaret,
make an honest woman of her,
389
00:20:14,255 --> 00:20:17,299
and raise her child as my own. Yeah.
390
00:20:17,466 --> 00:20:18,718
Congratulations, Cliff.
391
00:20:18,884 --> 00:20:21,637
I know you'll enjoy reaping
the rewards of fatherhood.
392
00:20:21,804 --> 00:20:25,224
It's not like I'm not prepared.
I do own a copy of The Little Mermaid.
393
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,394
Let me be the first
to propose a toast.
394
00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:30,604
To the new father, Cliff Clavin.
395
00:20:30,771 --> 00:20:32,273
To the new father.
396
00:20:32,982 --> 00:20:34,191
Thank you, gentlemen.
397
00:20:34,358 --> 00:20:35,317
Cliff.
398
00:20:36,026 --> 00:20:39,280
Ah. Excuse me.
The old ball and chain.
399
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:42,867
Cliff, I just talked to Jerry.
400
00:20:43,033 --> 00:20:44,994
I hope you told him
that a real man
401
00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:47,496
is gonna take care
of you and the baby.
402
00:20:48,789 --> 00:20:50,249
He wants me back.
403
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,168
Beg pardon?
404
00:20:52,334 --> 00:20:53,252
He said he loves me.
405
00:20:53,419 --> 00:20:56,380
He can't stand the thought
of another man raising his child,
406
00:20:56,547 --> 00:20:58,549
so you're off the hook.
407
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:00,843
Aren't you happy?
408
00:21:02,052 --> 00:21:03,012
Well, if you're happy.
409
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:04,346
I'm happy.
410
00:21:04,513 --> 00:21:06,557
Well, then I'm happy.
411
00:21:06,724 --> 00:21:07,641
Yeah, I...
412
00:21:08,893 --> 00:21:11,395
Ladies and gentlemen,
please, don't just sit there.
413
00:21:11,562 --> 00:21:13,522
Raise your glasses in a toast to...
414
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:17,151
...Mother Margaret here
and the new father Jerry.
415
00:21:18,444 --> 00:21:20,529
- To Jerry.
- Jerry.
416
00:21:20,696 --> 00:21:22,072
Thanks, everyone.
417
00:21:22,782 --> 00:21:25,409
Cliff, would you mind
giving me a ride
418
00:21:25,576 --> 00:21:26,494
to the bus station?
419
00:21:26,660 --> 00:21:29,371
If I leave now,
I can be there in 72 hours.
420
00:21:29,538 --> 00:21:30,539
Yeah. Sure.
421
00:21:32,583 --> 00:21:34,001
I'm a little confused, Sam.
422
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:38,839
Well, Maggie's going back to Canada
to marry the father of her baby.
423
00:21:39,006 --> 00:21:41,300
Cliff was going to marry her,
but now he doesn't have to.
424
00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:45,471
No. I mean about taking
72 hours to get to Canada.
425
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:49,433
I thought it was
much further than that.
426
00:21:51,519 --> 00:21:53,813
You know, Cliff, in a way,
I'm a little disappointed
427
00:21:53,979 --> 00:21:55,689
that we're not getting married.
428
00:21:55,856 --> 00:21:57,733
We'll never make love again.
429
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:00,069
Again?
430
00:22:00,236 --> 00:22:04,281
Maggie, I think your memory is
as faulty as your birth control.
431
00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:09,078
We... we never actually did make love.
432
00:22:09,745 --> 00:22:10,913
Sure we did.
433
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,959
The night before I left, remember?
You had those two wine coolers.
434
00:22:16,919 --> 00:22:18,003
No kidding?
435
00:22:18,754 --> 00:22:20,506
Geez, I thought I fell asleep.
436
00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:25,302
You... you mean you and I actually...
437
00:22:26,971 --> 00:22:28,055
...and I don't remember.
438
00:22:28,973 --> 00:22:30,516
Boy, that's something.
439
00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:31,725
So...
440
00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:33,602
...how was I?
441
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:35,437
- The truth, Cliff?
- No.
442
00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:37,273
- You were great.
- Yeah!
443
00:22:39,191 --> 00:22:41,569
- Both times.
- Both times! Wow!
444
00:22:41,735 --> 00:22:42,611
Wow!