1
00:00:01,710 --> 00:00:04,463
Cheers <i>is filmed
before a live studio audience.</i>

2
00:00:04,630 --> 00:00:07,674
This particular kind of granite
comes from Barre, Vermont.

3
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:09,218
- Get out, really?
- Yeah.

4
00:00:09,384 --> 00:00:11,220
You can take a tour
of their whole operation up there.

5
00:00:11,386 --> 00:00:12,221
Yeah?

6
00:00:12,387 --> 00:00:13,972
- Ask for a guy named Aesop.
- Yeah.

7
00:00:14,139 --> 00:00:16,141
You can tell him I sent you.
He'll do you right.

8
00:00:16,308 --> 00:00:19,269
- Set me up?
- Sure, you see, it's got the--

9
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,775
Excuse me, sir!

10
00:00:26,735 --> 00:00:29,655
This man obviously mistook the uniform
of the United States Postal Service

11
00:00:29,821 --> 00:00:31,740
for one of a common valet there, Norm.

12
00:00:31,907 --> 00:00:34,201
- Now that you mention it, Cliff--
- Mistake or not though,

13
00:00:34,368 --> 00:00:36,286
the man has entrusted
a valuable possession

14
00:00:36,453 --> 00:00:38,455
to one who proudly wears this uniform.

15
00:00:38,622 --> 00:00:40,666
As long as that man
is in that restaurant,

16
00:00:40,832 --> 00:00:44,836
I cannot shirk the responsibility
he has laid upon these shoulders.

17
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:47,881
What are you gonna do, just hang here
for a couple hours while the guy eats?

18
00:00:49,007 --> 00:00:50,801
Norm, my friend, this is a Jaguar.

19
00:00:50,968 --> 00:00:52,970
Jaguar plus postman equals...

20
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:54,304
...adventure.

21
00:00:54,930 --> 00:00:56,014
Let's do it.

22
00:02:18,597 --> 00:02:20,098
Hey, Cliff ie, what you doing?

23
00:02:20,265 --> 00:02:22,768
I'm filling out an application
for the Boston Marathon.

24
00:02:22,934 --> 00:02:24,728
It's something I do every year.

25
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:26,772
What do you mean?
You run in the Boston Marathon?

26
00:02:26,938 --> 00:02:28,940
No. I just get the free T-shirt.

27
00:02:29,107 --> 00:02:31,234
It impresses the girls down at the gym.

28
00:02:32,819 --> 00:02:34,780
Wait, wait, wait.
You work out in a gym?

29
00:02:34,946 --> 00:02:37,407
No. I just hang out in front
with the T-shirt.

30
00:02:39,826 --> 00:02:41,745
Hey, listen to this.
According to the <i>TV Guide,</i>

31
00:02:41,912 --> 00:02:45,248
They're playing an old Red Sox game
on <i>Play Ball</i> later.

32
00:02:45,415 --> 00:02:46,416
What is <i>Play Ball?</i>

33
00:02:46,583 --> 00:02:48,251
Well, it's this show on channel 58.

34
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,796
They replay classic Red Sox games.

35
00:02:50,962 --> 00:02:52,130
Say, listen, Sam.

36
00:02:52,839 --> 00:02:53,965
This is one of your games, yeah.

37
00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:57,594
"July 14, 1975,
relief pitcher Sam Malone."

38
00:02:58,470 --> 00:03:00,722
Sammy, what do you say
we make an evening out of it?

39
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,558
Popcorn, pretzels, beer,
gather around the old TV set.

40
00:03:03,725 --> 00:03:05,894
All right, sounds like
a nice change of pace.

41
00:03:07,312 --> 00:03:09,981
Yeah, what the hell.
That sounds like a nice idea.

42
00:03:10,148 --> 00:03:11,983
Say, honey, can you do me a favor?

43
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:15,237
Can you hand me the
baseball almanac under the bar?

44
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:20,075
I was drinking a lot back in those days.

45
00:03:20,242 --> 00:03:22,994
There's something about 1975
I don't remember.

46
00:03:23,161 --> 00:03:26,164
- What's that?
- The summer part.

47
00:03:27,165 --> 00:03:29,668
I don't want to see a game
where I embarrass myself.

48
00:03:29,835 --> 00:03:31,002
All right, here we go.

49
00:03:31,169 --> 00:03:35,716
July 14, '75, Red Sox vs. the Orioles.

50
00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:37,217
Red Sox won.

51
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,261
Right!

52
00:03:39,428 --> 00:03:41,722
I pitched three innings.
I must've been okay that day.

53
00:03:41,888 --> 00:03:43,306
- Good.
- Yeah.

54
00:03:43,473 --> 00:03:46,393
Great. Fellas, yeah.
Let's have a party here.

55
00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:47,561
All right!

56
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,938
Finally, you're going to see
why Sammy's so famous.

57
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:54,234
Actually, we don't get the channel
that shows why Sammy's so famous.

58
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:01,491
Cheers.

59
00:04:02,451 --> 00:04:03,827
Hi, Vera.

60
00:04:05,495 --> 00:04:08,039
No, Vera. I'm sorry. Norm's not here.

61
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,000
Can I take a--

62
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:11,877
It's an emergency?

63
00:04:13,044 --> 00:04:14,171
All right, all right.

64
00:04:14,713 --> 00:04:17,090
You're not going to believe this, Vera,
but Norm just walked in.

65
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:18,383
Afternoon, everybody.

66
00:04:18,550 --> 00:04:19,926
Norm!

67
00:04:20,886 --> 00:04:22,596
How are you doing, Mr. Peterson?

68
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:30,145
Hi, honey. What's the problem?

69
00:04:30,979 --> 00:04:32,898
What? An IRS audit?

70
00:04:33,064 --> 00:04:34,608
No, it can't be this afternoon.

71
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:36,985
They've got to give you
at least three, four notices.

72
00:04:37,152 --> 00:04:38,570
This is the fourth notice?

73
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:42,407
All right. Look, don't worry about it.

74
00:04:43,366 --> 00:04:45,202
Listen, as long as
you're checking the mail...

75
00:04:46,495 --> 00:04:49,873
...could you check to see if
the Victoria's Secret catalog came in?

76
00:04:50,916 --> 00:04:53,418
It did? Good, just hold onto it, okay?

77
00:04:53,585 --> 00:04:55,837
And for God's sakes,
don't order anything.

78
00:05:00,509 --> 00:05:03,595
- Hey, Norm, what are you doing?
- Just getting prepared.

79
00:05:03,762 --> 00:05:05,972
I'm going to bury this auditor
in paperwork.

80
00:05:06,640 --> 00:05:08,725
I got phony receipts,
I got a postdated diary.

81
00:05:08,892 --> 00:05:11,144
I got fake mileage logs, the works.

82
00:05:11,645 --> 00:05:13,063
Why are you meeting the auditor here?

83
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:15,649
Old trick, Rebecca.
You meet the enemy on your own turf.

84
00:05:15,816 --> 00:05:19,611
Yeah, that's very smart there, Norm.
Very smart.

85
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:21,238
Let me give you another hint.

86
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,740
Keep the authority figure
on your own eye level.

87
00:05:23,907 --> 00:05:24,908
- Yeah?
- Yeah, yeah.

88
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,243
- It intimidates them.
- Really?

89
00:05:26,409 --> 00:05:28,578
Yeah, sure.
Whenever I get stopped by a policeman,

90
00:05:28,745 --> 00:05:30,914
I get out of the car
and face him eye to eye.

91
00:05:31,081 --> 00:05:32,499
That's good thinking, Clavin.

92
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,167
And you know another good thing to do

93
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,379
is reach into your vest pocket
real sudden like.

94
00:05:38,296 --> 00:05:41,341
Give the cop a good start.
That way he won't push you around.

95
00:05:42,342 --> 00:05:44,344
Thank you very much, Carla.

96
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:47,472
Just planting the seed.

97
00:05:47,639 --> 00:05:50,392
Look at all this stuff.
Just take a look at all this stuff.

98
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,644
When she sees this,
she's gonna crumble.

99
00:05:52,811 --> 00:05:54,729
- Did you say she?
- Yeah.

100
00:05:54,896 --> 00:05:56,648
What are you worried about?

101
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:57,858
What do you mean?

102
00:05:58,024 --> 00:05:59,985
All you got to do is flirt
with her a little.

103
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:03,196
- Right. Flirt? Me?
- Yeah.

104
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,241
Come on. I haven't flirted with
a woman since I met Vera.

105
00:06:06,992 --> 00:06:09,953
Actually, I think she killed
the part of me that flirts.

106
00:06:11,454 --> 00:06:13,915
Well, I mean, you can do it.

107
00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,459
You compliment her a little.
You sweet-talk her.

108
00:06:16,626 --> 00:06:19,170
Before you know it,
she's putty in your hands.

109
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:22,257
Yeah, right.
Would you flirt with an IRS agent?

110
00:06:22,424 --> 00:06:24,509
I do it with the tollbooth guy.

111
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:32,642
I'm looking for Norm Peterson.

112
00:06:34,853 --> 00:06:36,146
And you are?

113
00:06:36,313 --> 00:06:37,898
Dot Carroll, IRS.

114
00:06:38,899 --> 00:06:40,567
He's right over there in the corner.

115
00:06:41,610 --> 00:06:42,819
Ouch.

116
00:06:44,070 --> 00:06:46,615
Ms. Carroll, I've been looking forward
to meeting you.

117
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,617
After all, I'm an accountant myself.

118
00:06:48,783 --> 00:06:51,202
And I should be interested
in that because...

119
00:06:51,369 --> 00:06:53,830
No reason. No reason at all.

120
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:55,916
Is there someplace we can talk?

121
00:06:56,082 --> 00:06:58,001
Yes, the office there.

122
00:06:58,168 --> 00:06:59,711
I think you'll find that everything's
in perfect order.

123
00:06:59,878 --> 00:07:02,964
It better be. I just spent two hours
with some horse's ass

124
00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:05,175
who tried to play the old
fake receipts and diary on me.

125
00:07:05,342 --> 00:07:06,593
Can you believe it?

126
00:07:09,554 --> 00:07:10,847
Ouch.

127
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:14,225
Okay, fellas. Bring it on in here.

128
00:07:15,143 --> 00:07:18,855
Put it over there under the other
television and plug it in for me.

129
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:20,649
What's with the big screen?

130
00:07:20,815 --> 00:07:23,526
Some channel is playing
one of Sam's baseball triumphs tonight.

131
00:07:23,693 --> 00:07:25,153
Here, see for yourself.

132
00:07:28,073 --> 00:07:30,200
Sammy, can I talk to you for a minute?

133
00:07:30,367 --> 00:07:31,576
You betcha.

134
00:07:31,743 --> 00:07:34,287
You know, about this game
that's on tonight?

135
00:07:34,454 --> 00:07:35,956
Do you remember what happened?

136
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,958
Yeah. I won.

137
00:07:38,124 --> 00:07:40,126
Sam, this was in your drinking days.

138
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:43,213
I mean, this is the game where
you thought the Orioles' mascot

139
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:45,548
was a huge mutant bird.

140
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,469
Oh, my God.

141
00:07:49,636 --> 00:07:51,137
Yeah, remember?

142
00:07:51,304 --> 00:07:53,098
You threw a fastball at him.

143
00:07:53,264 --> 00:07:55,850
You hit him right between the eyes,
and gave him a concussion.

144
00:07:56,810 --> 00:07:59,479
What would you do if you saw
this gigantic bird coming at you?

145
00:07:59,646 --> 00:08:02,232
Would you just let it attack you
and peck your eyes out?

146
00:08:02,774 --> 00:08:05,568
Come on, it took you three years
to live it down.

147
00:08:05,735 --> 00:08:08,196
You really want these guys
seeing it all over again?

148
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,198
Shoot, shoot.

149
00:08:10,365 --> 00:08:12,158
Sammy, all set for the big game tonight?

150
00:08:12,367 --> 00:08:14,327
Hey, all right! A big-screen TV!

151
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,413
Sammy, we ordered a bunch of pizzas.

152
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:18,415
Say, fellas.

153
00:08:18,581 --> 00:08:21,584
Listen, you don't want to watch
that silly old game, do you?

154
00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:23,169
Let's see what else is on at 8:30.

155
00:08:23,336 --> 00:08:25,088
Hey, here you go. Look at this.

156
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:27,173
<i>Magilla Gorilla!</i>

157
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:29,175
Yeah! Yeah!

158
00:08:30,051 --> 00:08:32,095
$500 to have your nails wrapped?

159
00:08:32,262 --> 00:08:35,473
Yeah. Yeah.
I have a very low calcium count.

160
00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,977
According to these receipts,
you had a lot of business dinners

161
00:08:39,144 --> 00:08:40,812
with a "C. Clavin."

162
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:43,940
He's a very important business client.

163
00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:46,234
I constantly have to
wine and dine the guy.

164
00:08:46,401 --> 00:08:48,820
I certainly hope he enjoyed
his three Whoppers.

165
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,948
I believe he did, yes.

166
00:08:53,241 --> 00:08:56,286
Mr. Peterson, about this work diary
from 1989...

167
00:08:56,453 --> 00:08:57,537
Yeah.

168
00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:00,582
I'd be willing to bet that if I took
this to my office for an analysis,

169
00:09:00,749 --> 00:09:03,918
they would discover the ink's
not more than 30 minutes old.

170
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:08,506
So, you're going to try to penalize me
for copying it over for neatness?

171
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:13,511
- Mr. Peterson.
- Yeah.

172
00:09:13,678 --> 00:09:15,805
As an accountant,
I'm sure you're aware that the penalty

173
00:09:15,972 --> 00:09:18,850
for defrauding the United States
government is imprisonment.

174
00:09:19,976 --> 00:09:22,228
This conversation just took a left turn.

175
00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:25,565
Fake receipts. Phony diary.

176
00:09:25,732 --> 00:09:28,276
Mr. Peterson,
you are in very big trouble.

177
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:32,072
I can't believe I'm hearing this
from someone as...

178
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,953
Doggone it, as...

179
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,664
...as lovely as yourself.

180
00:09:43,249 --> 00:09:45,126
What the hell is that supposed to mean?

181
00:09:46,711 --> 00:09:49,255
Come on, just take a look at you.

182
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:53,510
You got the sculpted cheekbones,
those smoldering eyes.

183
00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,096
A voice any man could get lost in.

184
00:09:57,472 --> 00:09:59,474
You're not giving yourself
enough credit, Ms. Carroll.

185
00:09:59,641 --> 00:10:02,477
I mean, surely I'm not the first man
who's ever said these things to you.

186
00:10:03,394 --> 00:10:05,480
I think I know what's going on here,
Mr. Peterson.

187
00:10:06,064 --> 00:10:09,400
- What?
- I wasn't born yesterday.

188
00:10:09,567 --> 00:10:11,945
I know when someone's
making a pass at me.

189
00:10:12,112 --> 00:10:13,947
Let me tell you this, buster.

190
00:10:14,114 --> 00:10:16,574
You're coming on to an official
of the United States government,

191
00:10:16,741 --> 00:10:19,911
an auditor for
the internal Revenue Service.

192
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:23,331
This meeting is over...

193
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:25,750
...stud.

194
00:10:27,252 --> 00:10:28,837
We'll continue this audit
in my hotel room.

195
00:10:29,003 --> 00:10:30,797
Ritz-Carlton, room 147.

196
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,924
Meet me there tonight.

197
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:37,595
And PS... I play rough.

198
00:10:47,355 --> 00:10:49,107
As far as I'm concerned,

199
00:10:49,274 --> 00:10:52,318
you got it made in the shade
with this IRS chick.

200
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,697
Not only do you get
out of jail free, but...

201
00:10:55,864 --> 00:10:58,283
you get a little action on the side.

202
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,618
High five!

203
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:04,664
Nobody.

204
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,082
Okay.

205
00:11:08,751 --> 00:11:12,589
Well, Miss Ann Landers, are you happy?
I took your advice.

206
00:11:12,755 --> 00:11:14,883
I flirted with the woman,
now she wants to sleep with me.

207
00:11:15,049 --> 00:11:16,384
What do you suggest now?

208
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:19,179
I suggest you keep the lights off.

209
00:11:19,345 --> 00:11:20,430
Thank you.

210
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:24,017
Well, I say sauce for the goose.

211
00:11:24,184 --> 00:11:26,728
At last a male
is being sexually harassed.

212
00:11:26,895 --> 00:11:28,771
Let this be a lesson to us.

213
00:11:28,938 --> 00:11:32,275
I mean, how many of us have
in our lives, in some small way,

214
00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:35,904
depersonalized a member
of the opposite sex?

215
00:11:38,323 --> 00:11:40,325
Mangos, two for a buck!

216
00:11:42,577 --> 00:11:46,206
You see? That's exactly the kind
of boorish behavior I'm talking about.

217
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:48,625
Hey, Sam, how's it going back there?

218
00:11:50,001 --> 00:11:54,464
All I got to do is undo these two wires,
and the fellas will never see the game.

219
00:12:03,681 --> 00:12:05,600
Sam, are you okay?

220
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:10,438
I just remembered.
I fought in the Civil War.

221
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,776
You know, I think you busted the TV.

222
00:12:15,777 --> 00:12:17,403
What happened?

223
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,197
Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

224
00:12:19,364 --> 00:12:22,909
Fellas, I was trying to make the color
just right on the TV

225
00:12:23,076 --> 00:12:25,286
for the big game, and something blew.

226
00:12:25,453 --> 00:12:27,538
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, guys.

227
00:12:27,705 --> 00:12:29,457
Don't worry about it.
They're bound to show it again.

228
00:12:29,624 --> 00:12:32,293
It was a hell of a game.
I was pretty good in it, too, fellas.

229
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:34,837
Don't worry, Sammy.
We can watch it on the regular TV.

230
00:12:35,004 --> 00:12:37,382
No, no. Put that down. Put that down.

231
00:12:37,548 --> 00:12:41,469
I forgot to tell you, fellas,
that I was working on that TV earlier,

232
00:12:41,636 --> 00:12:44,555
trying to get the color just right
for the game, and damnedest thing,

233
00:12:44,722 --> 00:12:49,185
it blew as well as the big screen there.

234
00:12:49,352 --> 00:12:51,729
I guess we're just not meant
to see this game, huh, fellas?

235
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,942
That's okay, Sammy.
We can see it on my little Watchman.

236
00:12:58,236 --> 00:12:59,779
Where did that thing come from, Paul?

237
00:12:59,946 --> 00:13:01,656
I take it with me everywhere.

238
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:05,451
You can run on batteries, or I plug
it into my cigarette lighter in my car.

239
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:07,412
Paul, you watch TV in the car?

240
00:13:08,037 --> 00:13:09,831
I don't like to miss my stories.

241
00:13:11,708 --> 00:13:13,501
Can I see that?

242
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:18,381
Look at that. I'll be damned.
That's a beauty. I guess you just--

243
00:13:22,343 --> 00:13:23,803
I'm sorry, man. I'm sorry.

244
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,347
Paul, I'll-- I'll replace it.

245
00:13:26,514 --> 00:13:27,932
It's $300.

246
00:13:28,099 --> 00:13:29,892
No, I meant the beer, Paul.

247
00:13:30,059 --> 00:13:33,146
Sam, your behavior leads me
to one of two conclusions--

248
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,231
A, you're trying to keep us
from seeing that game,

249
00:13:35,398 --> 00:13:38,318
Or B, you've suffered
a small cerebral vascular accident.

250
00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:40,069
What the hell's going on here, Sam?

251
00:13:40,236 --> 00:13:43,489
All right, I'll--
I'm sorry, fellas.

252
00:13:43,656 --> 00:13:46,409
It's just I don't want you
to see the game.

253
00:13:46,576 --> 00:13:48,411
I made a real idiot out of myself.

254
00:13:48,578 --> 00:13:50,580
I was drunk that night
when I was pitching,

255
00:13:50,747 --> 00:13:55,376
and I kind of got mad
at the Oriole mascot.

256
00:13:56,294 --> 00:13:58,087
Well, I skulled him.

257
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:02,342
Sammy, are you talking
about that big stupid bird

258
00:14:02,508 --> 00:14:04,594
that used to dance around
on top of the dugout?

259
00:14:04,761 --> 00:14:09,182
Actually, Alan, it turns out
that's a man in a bird's costume.

260
00:14:10,099 --> 00:14:13,353
Anyway... See, I just...

261
00:14:13,519 --> 00:14:15,521
Well, I'm real embarrassed about it.

262
00:14:15,688 --> 00:14:18,483
It'd mean a lot to me if you guys
didn't watch the game.

263
00:14:18,649 --> 00:14:21,194
I don't want to be remembered like that.

264
00:14:21,361 --> 00:14:22,445
We understand, Sam.

265
00:14:22,612 --> 00:14:24,572
Yeah, Sammy,
all you had to do was say something.

266
00:14:24,739 --> 00:14:26,407
It's okay, Sam, really.

267
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:30,953
Thanks a lot, guys.
That means a lot to me. Thank you.

268
00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,748
Carla, give these guys a drink
on the house.

269
00:14:33,915 --> 00:14:36,167
Thanks a lot, fellas.
Thanks a lot.

270
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,961
Looky here.

271
00:14:39,128 --> 00:14:40,421
Paul, you got two of those?

272
00:14:40,588 --> 00:14:42,590
Yeah, I always keep one charging.

273
00:14:54,143 --> 00:14:55,978
So, Norm, decided what you're gonna do?

274
00:14:56,145 --> 00:14:57,980
One thing's for sure.

275
00:14:58,147 --> 00:15:01,442
I can't just sleep with some woman
so she'll go easier on my tax audit.

276
00:15:01,609 --> 00:15:06,572
Norm, I've known you a long time
and I consider you a friend.

277
00:15:06,739 --> 00:15:09,992
I just want you to know
I got connections.

278
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:12,328
They might be able to make it
a little easier for you.

279
00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:15,123
- You mean people in the IRS?
- No, prison.

280
00:15:16,791 --> 00:15:18,543
Right. Thanks a lot.

281
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:23,172
Of course, if I tell this woman
that I'm not really attracted to her,

282
00:15:23,339 --> 00:15:25,633
she'll get so angry,
I will wind up in prison.

283
00:15:25,800 --> 00:15:28,261
Well, relax, Norm.
I've been brainstorming.

284
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,595
I've come up with a plan.

285
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:32,807
Yeah? I'm desperate.
I'll try anything. Come on.

286
00:15:33,558 --> 00:15:36,394
Tell you what, here's the plan.
I go to the hotel in your place, right?

287
00:15:36,561 --> 00:15:39,397
I reach in, flick off the lights,
Say "Room service for Dot Carroll."

288
00:15:40,356 --> 00:15:43,234
In the meantime,
I got a big bagful of wild squirrels

289
00:15:43,401 --> 00:15:46,320
with sparklers attached to their tails.

290
00:15:46,487 --> 00:15:48,698
I drop them in the room,
they run around terrified,

291
00:15:48,865 --> 00:15:50,700
setting off the alarms
and the sprinklers.

292
00:15:50,867 --> 00:15:54,829
In the ensuing hubbub, she forgets
all about her little date with you.

293
00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:57,665
Trust me.
You think a cold shower's a mood killer?

294
00:15:57,832 --> 00:16:00,168
Try a bag of wild squirrels.

295
00:16:01,836 --> 00:16:04,464
Thanks, Cliff,
but you don't have to go to the trouble.

296
00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:06,674
That's all right.
I already got the squirrels.

297
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:10,219
Thank you, but no.

298
00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:12,138
Okay, okay.

299
00:16:13,598 --> 00:16:15,600
- Norm, I got an idea.
- What?

300
00:16:15,766 --> 00:16:18,019
Why don't I just pick up the phone
and call Vera

301
00:16:18,186 --> 00:16:19,353
and tell her what's going on?

302
00:16:19,520 --> 00:16:22,190
No, listen, she'll run over
to the Ritz-Carlton

303
00:16:22,356 --> 00:16:24,525
and burst into the room
before anything can happen.

304
00:16:24,692 --> 00:16:27,737
This way, Dot can't get angry at you,
and you'll be off the hook.

305
00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:30,072
Then Dot tells Vera how I came onto her.

306
00:16:30,239 --> 00:16:33,409
Either way, I spend
the next ten years sleeping on a cot.

307
00:16:35,119 --> 00:16:38,581
Well, Norm, you could get someone
to impersonate Vera.

308
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:43,794
Thanks, Frase, but I doubt that Ed Asner
has time to hop on a plane to Boston.

309
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:48,257
Well, I was thinking more
along the lines of...

310
00:16:48,424 --> 00:16:49,926
...a friend in the bar.

311
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:55,806
Come on, Carla.
This was your idea in the first place.

312
00:16:55,973 --> 00:16:58,726
- Help me out. Come on.
- And why should I?

313
00:16:58,893 --> 00:17:01,604
You haven't left me a tip in 15 years.

314
00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:05,107
Frankly, I never felt
the service was all that great.

315
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,736
Come on, now.
You gonna help me or aren't you?

316
00:17:08,903 --> 00:17:10,321
Forget about it!

317
00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:14,158
All right, fine. Fine. I'm on my own.

318
00:17:15,117 --> 00:17:18,412
Just go over to the hotel
and throw myself at her mercy.

319
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:22,291
I'll plead with the woman.
I'll beg her.

320
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:25,127
I'll say how wrong it is for her
to force me to do this.

321
00:17:25,294 --> 00:17:28,047
What the hell, it worked for me
on my wedding night.

322
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:01,622
I'll make this short and sweet.

323
00:18:01,789 --> 00:18:05,334
When I say "go,' you tear off my clothes
and you can't use your hands.

324
00:18:08,879 --> 00:18:10,590
Well, hell, come on in.

325
00:18:17,346 --> 00:18:19,640
Enough foreplay. Let's be sheet meat.

326
00:18:19,807 --> 00:18:22,143
Did I tell you that I was married?

327
00:18:22,310 --> 00:18:26,022
Congratulations.
Let's celebrate with a roll in the hay.

328
00:18:26,188 --> 00:18:30,693
There were some things I said
to you this afternoon that I really--

329
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:33,154
Don't worry. I'll be gentle.

330
00:18:33,321 --> 00:18:35,615
Drop trou on three. One, two--

331
00:18:36,866 --> 00:18:38,534
- Who the hell's that?
- I'll get it. I'll get it.

332
00:18:38,701 --> 00:18:41,662
It's me, Vera. Your wife!
What are you doing in there?

333
00:18:41,829 --> 00:18:44,081
Norm, you better not
have a woman in there.

334
00:18:45,458 --> 00:18:47,293
Honey, honey.

335
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:53,007
Vera, now... calm down.
Calm down, honey.

336
00:18:53,174 --> 00:18:54,675
Dot, I'm so sorry.

337
00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:57,428
- How could you?
- I couldn't help myself.

338
00:18:57,595 --> 00:18:59,138
How could you?

339
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,057
Let me put your mind at rest,
Mrs. Peterson.

340
00:19:01,223 --> 00:19:04,226
- Nothing happened.
- Thank God.

341
00:19:04,393 --> 00:19:06,520
Well, I guess that's it. We better go.

342
00:19:08,022 --> 00:19:11,359
- Aren't you a waitress in that bar?
- What?

343
00:19:11,525 --> 00:19:14,028
I don't believe for a second
that you two are man and wife.

344
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:17,490
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm Vera Peterson, Norm's wife.

345
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,784
Okay, if you two are so happily married,

346
00:19:19,950 --> 00:19:23,371
let's see a big, open-mouthed,
sloppy kiss.

347
00:19:24,205 --> 00:19:25,373
Right now.

348
00:19:30,795 --> 00:19:33,089
- We don't have to do that.
- That's right.

349
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:36,133
That's for the privacy of our boudoir.

350
00:19:36,300 --> 00:19:38,761
If I don't see some evidence
of your happy marriage,

351
00:19:38,928 --> 00:19:42,014
I'm gonna go through your receipts
with a fine-toothed comb.

352
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:46,769
Honey?

353
00:20:16,132 --> 00:20:18,050
I'm sorry, Norm. You're gonna fry.

354
00:20:22,722 --> 00:20:25,057
Okay, Peterson, what's going on?

355
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,268
All right, Dot.

356
00:20:27,435 --> 00:20:29,353
All right, I'm gonna be honest with you.

357
00:20:30,229 --> 00:20:32,022
That wasn't my wife.

358
00:20:32,189 --> 00:20:35,568
My wife is probably home in bed.

359
00:20:35,735 --> 00:20:38,487
The truth is, Dot,
I'm not a very good husband.

360
00:20:40,030 --> 00:20:42,283
I hardly spend any time at all
with Vera.

361
00:20:42,450 --> 00:20:44,243
We never talk.

362
00:20:44,410 --> 00:20:46,203
I don't know her birthday.

363
00:20:46,370 --> 00:20:50,249
I don't know when our anniversary is,
but I don't cheat on her.

364
00:20:50,416 --> 00:20:53,461
That may not sound like much to you,
but to me it's the difference

365
00:20:53,627 --> 00:20:57,465
between being a bad husband
and being a bad person.

366
00:20:59,467 --> 00:21:01,594
So, go ahead, do your worst.

367
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,387
Throw the book at me.

368
00:21:03,554 --> 00:21:05,222
I should have known.

369
00:21:06,182 --> 00:21:07,683
I scared you away, didn't I?

370
00:21:09,143 --> 00:21:11,270
I'm always scaring men away.

371
00:21:11,437 --> 00:21:12,813
What is it about me?

372
00:21:15,065 --> 00:21:17,067
Don't just stand there, tell me!

373
00:21:18,861 --> 00:21:21,071
You could lighten up a bit.

374
00:21:21,238 --> 00:21:25,034
I mean, you do come on sort of strong.
And while we're at it,

375
00:21:25,201 --> 00:21:28,329
you could cut back
to three or four packs a day.

376
00:21:29,246 --> 00:21:31,207
I do it to stay thin.

377
00:21:31,373 --> 00:21:32,374
Want one?

378
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,631
This isn't about me, okay?

379
00:21:42,384 --> 00:21:46,096
I guess I'm just not used to somebody
saying nice things to me.

380
00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:49,433
Well, I could start right now.
All right?

381
00:21:50,976 --> 00:21:53,646
I believe that underneath
that gruff exterior,

382
00:21:53,813 --> 00:21:57,107
you're probably a very nice,
warm, caring person.

383
00:21:57,274 --> 00:21:59,819
And I say that knowing you're probably
gonna throw me in jail.

384
00:22:00,778 --> 00:22:02,363
You're not going to jail, Norm.

385
00:22:02,530 --> 00:22:05,115
I wouldn't throw
a decent man like you in jail.

386
00:22:06,408 --> 00:22:07,993
Thank you, Dot.

387
00:22:10,996 --> 00:22:13,332
Better head back to Cheers.

388
00:22:14,875 --> 00:22:17,127
You want to stay here and talk a while?

389
00:22:17,294 --> 00:22:19,505
I probably shouldn't.

390
00:22:19,672 --> 00:22:22,049
- I got a minibar.
- Well, if you need a friend...

391
00:22:25,678 --> 00:22:29,890
That would be nice,
just you and me, talking.

392
00:22:33,602 --> 00:22:35,938
Room service for Dot Carroll.