1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:06,960 METALLIC VOICES: Go and move that tree 2 00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:11,440 so we can set up the table for the bells. 3 00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:15,360 Get a move on, stupid appearance. 4 00:01:02,280 --> 00:01:07,600 - Miss, I've got my hand up. - Yes, Tracy Sneddon, I can see that. 5 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:14,320 The glare from your sovereign rings are practically blinding me. What is it that you want? 6 00:01:14,320 --> 00:01:19,440 Is it true you can't get pregnant if you have sex standing up? 7 00:01:19,440 --> 00:01:23,440 You... You... You... Is this a joke? 8 00:01:23,440 --> 00:01:30,480 - I'm serious, Miss. That's what I heard. - Who...? Who said...? 9 00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:38,080 Tracy Sneddon, the day you stop looking like you're dressed to turn tricks in a Turkish bordello 10 00:01:38,080 --> 00:01:43,600 is the day I'll answer your so-called serious questions 11 00:01:43,600 --> 00:01:46,760 about se... About...About...standing up. 12 00:01:46,760 --> 00:01:51,520 Miss, sometimes you hear a lot of different stories about it. 13 00:01:51,520 --> 00:01:57,640 You'd think a biology teacher would tell you straight what the facts are. 14 00:01:57,640 --> 00:02:04,320 Yes, well, I suppose I should be... sharing the wisdom of my experience. 15 00:02:05,800 --> 00:02:07,240 Here! 16 00:02:07,240 --> 00:02:10,240 Here! That's not what I meant. 17 00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:15,440 Now, to answer your question, Tracy Sneddon, yes. 18 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,520 You can be... 19 00:02:17,520 --> 00:02:20,240 impregnated if you're... 20 00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,600 in a position that's... 21 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:26,360 erect. 22 00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:30,440 Right, that's enough! When I say that, I mean... 23 00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:35,480 I don't... It's not erect... I don't mean... There's the bell. 24 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,720 And I must go to another class. 25 00:02:38,720 --> 00:02:46,400 - Miss, this is your class. - Yes, I've also left... I've left a pie in the oven... That's the phone ringing. 26 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,160 So, bye. 27 00:02:49,160 --> 00:02:52,080 Here, do you mind o' this one? 28 00:02:52,080 --> 00:02:56,800 # Well, hello there and how do you do? 29 00:02:56,800 --> 00:02:59,080 # You're the prettiest lady I've seen 30 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:04,240 # Well it seems to me that recently You must have been a beauty queen 31 00:03:04,240 --> 00:03:07,880 # We're gonna buy you a drink Do you enjoy champagne? 32 00:03:07,880 --> 00:03:10,360 # Baby, this one's for free 33 00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,640 # What's it gonna take For you and those diddies 34 00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,080 # To come right home with me? 35 00:03:16,080 --> 00:03:22,000 # No need to wrap them To come back home with me. # 36 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:26,880 - I love songs about tits, do you? - Oh, aye, aye... 37 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:44,920 - Aye, aye. - What are you daein' up so early? - If it was any of your business, I'd tell you. - Suit yersel'. 38 00:03:44,920 --> 00:03:51,360 - If you must know, I'm waiting on a letter. ..Anything for me, pal? - Oh, aye. 39 00:03:51,360 --> 00:03:53,640 Wait a minute... 40 00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:59,440 There's cash-and-carry rubbish and that. It's no' fur you. Aye, three. 41 00:03:59,440 --> 00:04:02,120 Leccy bill and a gas bill. 42 00:04:02,120 --> 00:04:09,200 - That's a bastard when they all come thegither like that. - Cut! That was great, guys. ..What's your name? 43 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:12,520 - Ma name? - Yeah. - Ronald Villiers. 44 00:04:12,520 --> 00:04:17,040 - The script says, Ronald, that you say, "Aye, three." - Script? 45 00:04:17,040 --> 00:04:23,960 - Not, "That's a bastard, all thae bills." - I didn't realise there was a script. - There is. "Aye, three." 46 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:30,800 Right. I used to work on the High Road. They never use a script. They walk on, say what they like, then... 47 00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:37,000 - Back to your position. - Nae bother. - Show the second letter, OK? - Right. - Hold it up. 48 00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:41,720 - We're going to go close up on that. - Right. - It's important. - That's OK. 49 00:04:41,720 --> 00:04:49,360 - First... - OK. ..You, er, Johnny Beattie? - Can you take your position? - Are YOU Johnny Beattie? 50 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:53,560 - I was told I was going to be working with... - Please. 51 00:04:53,560 --> 00:04:59,760 Can we go again? Where from? "Anything for me, pal?" 52 00:04:59,760 --> 00:05:03,920 Ready? ..Are we ready? And, action! 53 00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:07,840 - Anything for me, pal? - Aye, three. 54 00:05:11,080 --> 00:05:13,760 - Anything for me, pal? - Aye, three. 55 00:05:13,760 --> 00:05:18,120 And wan o' them's a very, very important letter. 56 00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:27,280 Cut! Can we get another postman? 57 00:05:27,280 --> 00:05:33,640 - What's wrong with that? Is that me sacked? - No, we'll get you something. - I was panicking there. 58 00:05:33,640 --> 00:05:40,360 - You can keep that in if you want. Postman sacked - that's a good gag. - Can we go again? - Some comedy. 59 00:05:45,760 --> 00:05:51,240 Hoose for sale. Big question is, is it offers over or a fixed price? 60 00:05:51,240 --> 00:05:57,080 - The one round the corner - offers over 72, went for 92. - CUT! 61 00:05:57,080 --> 00:06:02,120 - Am I sacked? - No, I'll get something else for you to do. - That's awright. 62 00:06:14,000 --> 00:06:17,320 This bloody seat's kickin' my starfish in. 63 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:25,320 - What are you daein' up so early? - If it was your business, I'd tell you. - Fine. - I'm waiting on a letter. 64 00:06:26,800 --> 00:06:30,360 - Anything for me, pal? - Three, mate. - Cheers. 65 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:34,840 Here... I recognise this writing. Do you? 66 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:39,480 RONALD WHISTLES EASTENDERS THEME 67 00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:42,520 CUT! > 68 00:06:44,880 --> 00:06:49,800 Well, class, I trust you had an excellent Christmas break. 69 00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:55,720 For my Christmas, I got an Xbox, a joystick, steering wheel and games. 70 00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:57,960 You're a lucky boy, Billy. 71 00:06:57,960 --> 00:07:03,520 For my Christmas, I got a mountain bike with 14 gears, and a tent. 72 00:07:03,520 --> 00:07:07,200 Very lucky girl, Jenny. 73 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:14,760 - Thomas? - I got a puppet. My dad made it. It's got pipecleaners for legs and cereal boxes for feet. 74 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:18,960 Man, that's shit! 75 00:07:21,080 --> 00:07:24,880 Right, class, get your jotters out. 76 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:34,160 'And welcome to Channel Five's top 100 lingerie moments. 77 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:37,200 'Here's a sample of what's coming up.' 78 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:41,480 What's this muck you're watching? Get that off! 79 00:07:41,480 --> 00:07:43,560 TV STOPS 80 00:07:43,560 --> 00:07:46,680 What are you hiding there? 81 00:07:46,680 --> 00:07:48,960 Have you got a stauner? 82 00:07:48,960 --> 00:07:51,000 Naw. 83 00:07:51,000 --> 00:07:55,400 Lift that cushion. Lift that cushion and let me see! 84 00:07:58,360 --> 00:08:03,200 Ya dirty wee bastard! John, get in here! ..Don't move. 85 00:08:03,200 --> 00:08:07,080 - What? - He's sitting there with a big stauner. 86 00:08:07,080 --> 00:08:11,480 Lift that cushion! Pick it up! 87 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:17,440 A stauner! Why have you done this to us?! 88 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,880 PHONE RINGS 89 00:08:19,880 --> 00:08:24,920 Hello, Maw. Maw, I'll need to phone you back. Johnny's got a stauner. 90 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,520 Aye, a STAUNER. 91 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:30,560 Noo your granny knows! 92 00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:34,960 It's wee Johnny... 93 00:08:36,040 --> 00:08:38,840 He's got a big stauner! 94 00:08:45,120 --> 00:08:48,640 Get the coats. We need to get over there. 95 00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:55,920 This is absolutely fantastic, Hilary. 96 00:08:55,920 --> 00:09:02,800 - In the winter, this section is entirely closed. - That'll save on the heating bills. - Indeed. 97 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:09,320 - Once the renovation is complete, we'll open this wing to the public. - Oh, lovely. 98 00:09:09,320 --> 00:09:11,920 The painters are in at the moment. 99 00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:36,160 I fair enjoyed that turkey dinner. 100 00:09:36,160 --> 00:09:41,200 - It was smashing, love. - Now, I want to collapse in front of the telly. 101 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:45,400 - Quite right. - So, um, what's on, then? 102 00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:55,200 Ben Hur or ET. 103 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,880 What's on the other side? 104 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:06,360 - WHISTLING: - EasstEnderss. 105 00:10:06,360 --> 00:10:09,120 The Queen'ss Seassonal Messsage. 106 00:10:09,120 --> 00:10:15,680 Top Of The Popss, featuring Sshakira, Oassiss and the Ssugababess. 107 00:10:15,680 --> 00:10:21,120 Then, it's Celebrity Sstarss In Their Eyess. 108 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:28,560 Six rolls and sausages, mate. 109 00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:32,720 Chicken stuffed with foie gras, wrapped in vine leaves. 110 00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:38,360 I've no chicken stuffed with foie gras, wrapped in vine leaves, mate. 111 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:42,600 Just gie us another roll and sausage, then, mate. 112 00:10:44,240 --> 00:10:50,880 - I've only been going out with him for six weeks, Mrs Muir. I never knew he took stauners. - I know... 113 00:10:50,880 --> 00:10:55,400 - Are you awright, Johnny? - You know me - I never greet. 114 00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:57,960 I never even gret when ma da' died. 115 00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:04,080 My son's sitting there with a stauner! Oh, Jesus.. SIRENS APPROACH 116 00:11:04,080 --> 00:11:09,760 - Let me see that stauner! Let me...! - That's him! Him with the stauner! 117 00:11:09,760 --> 00:11:14,800 I'll tell you something - he's nae son o' mine! He's deid tae me! 118 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:19,040 CROWD JEERS 119 00:11:22,800 --> 00:11:26,720 I hope you and your stauner rot in hell! 120 00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:33,480 Oh, Percy! Percy! > 121 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:40,560 That's right, you pair of Percys, look down here. I'm trapped underneath my big, fat wallet. 122 00:11:40,560 --> 00:11:47,600 I can't shift it for all that money that's inside. Help us out - there's a pound in it each for you. 123 00:11:47,600 --> 00:11:55,400 Come on! Not enjoying Big Jock's comedy, you couple of skint Percys? I could buy and sell you both. 124 00:11:55,400 --> 00:12:00,120 - Crack a smile! How much are you earning a year? - Leave us, Jock, eh? 125 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:03,160 Ho, Percy! 126 00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:07,200 What's that you've got there, Percy? 127 00:12:07,200 --> 00:12:14,160 - Ten pence, Jock. - I didn't know they made them any more. You learn something every day. 128 00:12:14,160 --> 00:12:18,240 Let's have a look-see, shall we? What's this? 129 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:24,040 Look, Percys - £100 note. ..It's not accepting Big Jock's small change. 130 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:30,360 - Och, well. Did you have a nice Christmas dinner, Percy? - Yes. - As did I. 131 00:12:30,360 --> 00:12:35,240 Me and my wife and her brand-new silicone implants. Pulled my cracker, 132 00:12:35,240 --> 00:12:40,640 couldn't eat my 45lb turkey for laughing. Know what the joke was? 133 00:12:40,640 --> 00:12:43,080 No, Jock. 134 00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:48,320 Your wage slip. The funniest thing since your daughter went to school 135 00:12:48,320 --> 00:12:51,960 wearing Big Jock's son's hand-me-down shoes. 136 00:12:53,240 --> 00:12:58,920 Now, cock an ear now for Big Jock. I've got an important announcement. 137 00:12:58,920 --> 00:13:05,960 Youse are all a bunch of Percys and my wallet's heavier than all your fat wives put together. 138 00:13:05,960 --> 00:13:10,640 Big Jock - the king of comedy. Who's the daddy? 139 00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:12,080 - SUBDUED: - Big Jock. 140 00:13:12,080 --> 00:13:15,040 I said, who's the daddy?! 141 00:13:15,040 --> 00:13:21,600 - Big Jock. - Who's the daddy? - Big Jock. - Who's the daddy? - Big Jock. - Who's the daddy? - Big Jock. - Who's the... 142 00:13:21,600 --> 00:13:24,800 - Who's the daddy? - Big Jock. - Who's the daddy? - Big Jock. 143 00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:37,280 Crackin' cardboard cut-outs, mate. 144 00:13:37,280 --> 00:13:40,320 - Huv you got Darth Vader? - Yes. 145 00:13:40,320 --> 00:13:43,560 - Have you got Yoda? - Mm-hm. 146 00:13:43,560 --> 00:13:46,320 Have you got Dougie Vipond? 147 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:54,600 - Naw. If you're no' interested... - OK, then... Huv you got Mr Spock? - Yes. 148 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,760 - Huv you got Captain Kirk? - Uh-huh. 149 00:13:57,760 --> 00:14:01,480 Huv you got Lulu? 150 00:14:01,480 --> 00:14:05,000 £27.99, you pair of wideos. 151 00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,240 I'll take cash. 152 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,440 Awright, Davey. 153 00:14:13,440 --> 00:14:20,160 - Awright. That you going up tae the High Court, aye? - Aye. - What're you going to say? 154 00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:27,320 - The truth, man. Big Shanksy done it. - Aye, man, you're right. Shanksy glassed Sharon in broad daylight. 155 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,960 I'm no takin' the fall fur him. 156 00:14:29,960 --> 00:14:35,600 - He's gettin' grassed up. - Aye. Let Shanksy take the fall. - Awright? 157 00:14:35,600 --> 00:14:38,240 BOTH: Awright, Shanksy? 158 00:14:38,240 --> 00:14:41,280 You'd better no' grass us up. 159 00:14:41,280 --> 00:14:43,880 - No' us, Shanksy. - We never saw you. 160 00:14:43,880 --> 00:14:45,600 Aye. 161 00:14:45,600 --> 00:14:48,440 Awright, Sharon? 162 00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:50,400 How's your face? 163 00:14:51,960 --> 00:14:54,440 Are all youse pricks the jury, aye? 164 00:14:54,440 --> 00:14:56,320 Aye. 165 00:14:56,320 --> 00:14:59,600 - Better no' grass us up. - Right, Shanksy. 166 00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:06,760 - This isnae right, man. We should be gettin' taken to the courts by the polis. - The law's a joke. 167 00:15:06,760 --> 00:15:10,400 - Tell me about it. - Awright, mate? 168 00:15:10,400 --> 00:15:13,120 All right, Shanksy? 169 00:15:18,800 --> 00:15:23,560 'It's the two blind mice! They just love Squeaks Blinds. 170 00:15:23,560 --> 00:15:26,920 'They're jumping for joy at our prices. 171 00:15:26,920 --> 00:15:31,640 'A set of shitey, bendy plastic blinds for only £77. 172 00:15:32,760 --> 00:15:38,200 'A shitey set of blinds, big enough to cover a window in Barlinnie. 173 00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:43,880 'Or, if you live in a house with normal windows, like everyone else, 174 00:15:43,880 --> 00:15:46,640 'it'll cost fortunes. 175 00:15:48,440 --> 00:15:55,320 'So, that's a set of minuscule, shitey, bendy, jail-window-sized blinds for only £77. 176 00:15:55,320 --> 00:15:58,000 'Squeaks Blinds - that'll do MICELY!' 177 00:16:08,880 --> 00:16:11,120 Officer! Officer! 178 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:18,960 - I'd like to report an incident. I've been terribly insulted. - Who by, madam? - Those two vagabonds... 179 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:21,000 and Lulu. 180 00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:22,840 Ho! 181 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,560 Rocking! 182 00:16:31,440 --> 00:16:35,480 Ho, ho, Gary. Are you geared up for the full bhoona? 183 00:16:35,480 --> 00:16:40,800 - The complete vindaloo. - Hotter than a video from Paddy's Market. 184 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:48,040 - Spicier than a menage-a-trois letter to the Just Joan page. - Gary, I can feel my ring-piece sting already. 185 00:16:48,040 --> 00:16:51,960 I want it mad, nippy, napalm burny, burny hot. 186 00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:56,880 - We are interested in your Ruby Murrays. - Have you any specials on? 187 00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:04,400 Boys, see if you want it full bung, go for the spicy lamb bhoona. It's dead popular. Or beef vindaloo. 188 00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:11,840 Or the chunky saag aloo. See if you're veggie, that's magic. Haggis pakora's a cheeky wee starter. 189 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:18,080 Gie's a buzz if you want a shot of the staff curry, but it's no' for novices. 190 00:17:18,080 --> 00:17:20,880 - That sounds delightful. - Right. 191 00:17:20,880 --> 00:17:23,440 We'll have two chicken Marylands. 192 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:28,000 - No curries? - Curry schmurry. - We're only here for the banter. 193 00:17:33,480 --> 00:17:38,920 - Are we heading up to Reflections the night? - Course. It's Friday. 194 00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:43,920 We'll be, "Down periscope. What have we got here? Oh, you're a honey. 195 00:17:43,920 --> 00:17:47,000 "Torpedo. Mission accomplished." 196 00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:52,720 Cruisin' in - 15,000 feet. Babe at nine o'clock - got you in my sights. 197 00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:58,320 It's dark in here. Night-vision goggles. Captured. Prisoner of love. 198 00:17:58,320 --> 00:18:01,520 GRENADE IN! FIRE IN THE HOLE! 199 00:18:11,320 --> 00:18:18,800 'In the year 2345, the Federation Of Planets opened the Starfleet Academy near Carnoustie, in Scotland. 200 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:25,560 'Four years later, its first regiments emerged to find themselves rewarded with the command 201 00:18:25,560 --> 00:18:30,360 'of Starfleet's newest vessel - the ion-impulse-powered Aurora.' 202 00:18:30,360 --> 00:18:36,680 Right, we'll open this big bastard up and see if it is shit off a shovel. 203 00:18:36,680 --> 00:18:40,960 - Get your belts on. - You'll no' catch us wearing belts, like poofters. 204 00:18:40,960 --> 00:18:46,160 - Captain. - What? - Gonnae let us got to the replicator? I'm starving. - Aye. 205 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:51,960 - If you bring us royal game soup and twa ootsiders. - Captain! - What noo? 206 00:18:51,960 --> 00:18:55,560 There a richt big hoor o' a spaceship coming. 207 00:18:55,560 --> 00:19:01,120 The bastarding thing's yin or twa sizes bigger than oors, ken? 208 00:19:01,120 --> 00:19:08,840 'These graduates never backed away from conflict, as they were fearless and highly trained.' 209 00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:14,120 Ah telt ye afore - any mair fist, an' I'll stick this up your crack. 210 00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:16,480 STAR TREK-TYPE MUSIC 211 00:19:18,920 --> 00:19:24,760 - Whit are you daein', ye daftie? - Haein' a go on the holodeck, ken? 212 00:19:33,440 --> 00:19:37,320 'Take a journey into the unknown with Captain McConnell...' 213 00:19:37,320 --> 00:19:39,880 Set phasers to malky. 214 00:19:39,880 --> 00:19:45,760 - '..his number one - O'Donnell...' - It's like hee-haw we've seen afore. 215 00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:51,520 - '..Doctor MacDonald...' - He's deid, Captain. Nae pulse or nothin'. 216 00:19:51,520 --> 00:19:55,320 Will you stop keeking at my arse, you pervert! 217 00:19:55,320 --> 00:20:00,640 '..and McCabe, the android, and McDade, the communications officer.' 218 00:20:00,640 --> 00:20:08,400 - There's forces we cannae comprehend. - You're gaggin' for it, ken? - You've hee-haw chance of getting your hole. 219 00:20:08,400 --> 00:20:12,920 You're an android - you've cack-all knob! 220 00:20:15,320 --> 00:20:21,160 'In 60 seconds, we'll board your ship, and you'll surrender to us.' 221 00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:24,240 ALL: Och, awa' an' dinnae talk pish. 222 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:29,680 'Taysiders In Space - In Amongst Youse.' 223 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:40,200 - Excuse me. - Happy New Year, doll. - Ho, ho. You're got him well-trained. 224 00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:45,560 - Looks like a Benson. - Henpecked. - Deffo. - Sorry? - How can I help you? 225 00:20:45,560 --> 00:20:49,920 - I want a refund with Lecotrox's no-quibble guarantee. - Certainly. 226 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:56,480 - The no-quibble guarantee guarantees a no-quibble refund. - No trouble with quibbles. - We're quibbleless. 227 00:20:56,480 --> 00:21:03,320 - Zilch quibbles in da house. - Quibble has left the building. - Literally, nae quibbles. - 100% dequibbled. 228 00:21:03,320 --> 00:21:07,840 - Quibbles, nul points. - Ooh! Is that a quibble? 229 00:21:07,840 --> 00:21:15,120 - Can I get my money back, then, please? - Sorry, no can do. - You said no quibbles at Lecotrox. 230 00:21:15,120 --> 00:21:20,520 - Lecotrox aren't quibbling. - But we changed hands. - We're Plugotrox noo. 231 00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:27,480 - You could take it up with our receivers. - Or buy a new TV with Plugotrox's no-quibble guarantee. 232 00:21:27,480 --> 00:21:33,040 - Guaranteed peace of mind. - Forget it. You people are scum. ..C'mon. 233 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:37,560 - No wantin' batteries for your strap-on? - Special offer! 234 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:15,200 That's, er, £38.40. 235 00:22:15,200 --> 00:22:17,920 Gie's a gobble. 236 00:22:24,680 --> 00:22:31,360 - Do we have to go in here? - Look, I promised my ma we'd pop in, say hello. 237 00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:40,120 - Hey, hey! Come away in! - Aye, aye. Come away in. 238 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:44,000 I love visitors, eh. 239 00:22:44,000 --> 00:22:47,200 Come on in and sit doon. 240 00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:53,520 - What a night we've planned for youse. - An' you'll no go thirsty either. I've got red kola 241 00:22:53,520 --> 00:22:57,080 - and pineappleade. Whit'll you have? - Actually... 242 00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:01,600 Ta-da! I thought we'd have a wee game of Monopoly. 243 00:23:01,600 --> 00:23:07,480 Monopoly. You've to watch him, an' all, cos he buys all the stations. 244 00:23:07,480 --> 00:23:10,640 Sit doon. Take your jaikets off. 245 00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:16,240 - Actually, we're not staying. We're just popping in. - Eh? 246 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:18,520 We've got a party to go to. 247 00:23:18,520 --> 00:23:21,560 Aye, you would have. Aye... 248 00:23:21,560 --> 00:23:23,880 Where's that, then? 249 00:23:23,880 --> 00:23:27,240 - His hoose. - Oh, aye, right. All the young yins. 250 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:31,520 Having a good time, an' that, all the young yins, aye. 251 00:23:31,520 --> 00:23:39,440 - Why don't you stay for a wee hour? We never see youse. You're getting that big. - I cannae. Pals, an' that. 252 00:23:39,440 --> 00:23:47,000 - I suppose you've...bigger fish to fry than us, eh? - 'S no' that. - Stay for a wee hauf-hour, eh? 253 00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:54,040 - Have a wee glass of juice. - Look at the bloody size of them. It's beer they want. ..You can split a tin. 254 00:23:54,040 --> 00:23:57,080 A beer. Stay for a wee beer. 255 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:01,760 That's what you take. Us old fogies are offerin' you juice! 256 00:24:01,760 --> 00:24:04,760 Mr McDade...please... 257 00:24:08,560 --> 00:24:14,920 - Away an' enjoy yourselves. - Aye, don't let us haud you back. Have a good time. 258 00:24:24,720 --> 00:24:27,520 We nearly had them greetin' there. 259 00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:30,080 One minute, thirty seconds. 260 00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:33,840 - How long was it last year? - One minute, forty-five. 261 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:39,840 - That's a classic. "We've got Monopoly"! Want a drink? - Love one. 262 00:24:43,920 --> 00:24:50,800 - Got these photies back from the chemist. Remember the mad holiday I was on with the wife? - Quality, man. 263 00:24:50,800 --> 00:24:52,960 Steamin'. 264 00:24:52,960 --> 00:24:54,560 Steamin'. 265 00:24:54,560 --> 00:24:56,480 Paralytic. 266 00:24:56,480 --> 00:24:58,880 - Quality, man. - Hung-over. 267 00:25:00,280 --> 00:25:05,320 Ohhh. there's Shirley on the beach, swimming costume on. Scrubs up well. 268 00:25:05,320 --> 00:25:13,080 - She's a darlin', man, total darlin'. - Total model. - Total stunner. - Total honey. - Total babe. - Total doll. 269 00:25:13,080 --> 00:25:17,760 Here, dae you mind if I take that photie home for a wee chug? 270 00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:29,080 PUPPETS SPEAK "GAELIC" 271 00:25:29,080 --> 00:25:32,040 - Magic. - This is great. 272 00:25:32,120 --> 00:25:34,560 Craoladh steamin'. 273 00:25:34,560 --> 00:25:38,320 - A faireachdainn thirsty. - Iarr Drink? - Aye. 274 00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:44,160 - Mhath. - Mhath. 275 00:25:44,160 --> 00:25:48,720 - Cuine shutting time? - Nae shutting time. 276 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:53,520 - E lock-in! - LOCK-IN! SMASHING! 277 00:25:53,520 --> 00:25:56,200 Agus e polis? 278 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:58,120 Polis?! 279 00:25:58,120 --> 00:26:00,760 There's the polis there! 280 00:26:05,800 --> 00:26:09,080 Happy New Year! 281 00:26:12,080 --> 00:26:15,160 Clock this. Text photies. 282 00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:17,600 That's mental, man. 283 00:26:17,600 --> 00:26:19,560 Gie's it. 284 00:26:32,840 --> 00:26:38,160 - I'm gonnae send that wan. - Coo-ul, eh, man? ..Who'd you send it tae? 285 00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:41,800 - You, man. - PHONE BEEPS 286 00:26:46,120 --> 00:26:48,440 Oh, that's boggin'. 287 00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:55,360 - Well, Ruriadh, it's been some hike, but we're finally here. - I'll give you that, Alistair. It's some hike. 288 00:26:55,360 --> 00:27:00,240 - At first glance, you might say, "What is there to see here?" - You may, 289 00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:06,960 - but like all the rest of Scotland, just underneath the surface, bubbles a fabulous history. - Indeed. 290 00:27:06,960 --> 00:27:13,800 - In 1824, two farmers quarrelled about where one's land ended and the other's began. - The result was 291 00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:21,000 that they built a makeshift fence, a border if you like, just to separate their territories. 292 00:27:21,000 --> 00:27:27,040 This very fence stands as evidence that the dispute is far from settled. 293 00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:34,120 But hillwalkers can cross the fence, because both the landowners appreciate that it would be silly 294 00:27:34,120 --> 00:27:41,840 - to let their dispute spoil people's enjoyment of this countryside. - It's common knowledge amongst hillwalkers 295 00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:46,520 to get themselves over the fence by three o'clock, 296 00:27:46,520 --> 00:27:49,720 because then...it's electrified. 297 00:27:52,680 --> 00:27:55,800 Couple of fannies. 298 00:28:02,200 --> 00:28:07,560 'It's kickoff in the final of the Ayrshire inter-pub league 299 00:28:07,560 --> 00:28:13,080 'five-a-side cup. The teams are making their final preparations. 300 00:28:13,080 --> 00:28:18,040 'There's the Kilbirnie Arms going into their huddle.' 301 00:28:18,040 --> 00:28:20,880 COACH ENCOURAGES THEM 302 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:26,160 'And I think the New Cumnock All Bastards will do their haka.' 303 00:28:26,160 --> 00:28:29,640 CHANT: Get it up you, your ma's a dyke, 304 00:28:29,640 --> 00:28:32,680 your da's an alkie, you think you're wide, 305 00:28:32,680 --> 00:28:35,400 you're humped! 306 00:28:40,280 --> 00:28:44,080 Subtitles by Alison Haggart BBC Broadcast - 2002 307 00:28:44,080 --> 00:28:46,280 < Action! 308 00:28:46,280 --> 00:28:50,240 Hail no frequencies. 309 00:28:50,240 --> 00:28:52,600 < Cut.