Narrator - In the year 2345 , The Federation of planets opened the Star Fleet Academy near Carnoustie in Scotland. 4 years later its first graduates emerged to find themselves rewarded with the command of Star Fleet newest and most powerful vessel, the ion impulse powered Aurora.

Captain - Right Ensign, give us warp factor 10, we'll open this big bastard up and see if it is shit hot right enough.

Ensine - No danger, get your belts on.

Captain - No chance of us wearing belts like a bunch of big poofters.

O'Donnell - Captain!

Captain - What?

O'Donnell - May I go to the replicator? I'm starving.

Captain - Yes, as long as you bring me back a cup of Royal Game soup and a couple of outsiders (outsiders are the end parts of a loaf)

Crew Member 3 - Captain!

Captain - What now?

Crew Member 3 - There's a right big whore of a spaceship coming towards us! You will want to see the bastarding size of the thing, it's a good one or two sizes bigger than ours, you know?

Narrator - These graduates never backed away from conflict, as they were fearless and highly trained.

O'Donnell - I told you before, any more of your shit and I'll stick this right in your jaw.

Captain - What are you doing you dafty?

O'Donnell - Well I'm just having a go in the Holi- deck captain, I'm Holi-deck daft, you know?

Narrator - Take a journey into the unkown, with Captain McConnell.

Captain - Set phasers to malkie. (headbutt)

Narrator - His number one, O'Donnell.

O'Donnell - It's like nothing I've ever seen before captain, you know?

Narrator - Dr McDonald.

Doctor - He's dead, captain, stone dead, no pulse or anything... Will you stop looking at my ass you pervert?!

Narrator - Ensine McCaig the android, and McDade, the communications officer.

McDade - Captain, we are meddling with forces we can't possibly comprehend.

Ensine - You know fine well you are gagging for it, eh? (Gagging for it means wants sex)

Crew Member 3 - You have no chance of getting your hole, you're an android with fuck all knob! (Knob is penis)

Voice - In sixty seconds, we will board your ship, and you will surrender your vessel to us!

Whole team - Acht away and don't talk pish! (Refrain from speaking nonsensicals)

Narrator - Taysiders In Space, in amongst youse.