1
00:00:00,059 --> 00:00:02,510
<i>Previously on
Childrens Hospital...</i>

2
00:00:02,630 --> 00:00:05,448
Excuse me.

3
00:00:06,898 --> 00:00:10,515
- Oh, baby!
- I'm afraid I have some bad news.

4
00:00:10,526 --> 00:00:13,595
We're going to have to
slice off your son's [bleep].

5
00:00:13,601 --> 00:00:15,210
This part.

6
00:00:15,222 --> 00:00:17,562
We got a school-bus
crash at the 495...

7
00:00:17,586 --> 00:00:20,897
Fifty kids, badly injured,
broken bones, some of them retarded,

8
00:00:20,909 --> 00:00:23,007
the whole deal,
and they're coming here.

9
00:00:28,624 --> 00:00:32,356
Glenn, stop.
We're breaking up.

10
00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:35,362
No, it's not 'cause you're Jewish.

11
00:00:38,462 --> 00:00:39,965
<i>Attention, staff.</i>

12
00:00:39,976 --> 00:00:43,263
<i>Dr. Richie, please pick up your
scissors from the autopsy room.</i>

13
00:00:43,286 --> 00:00:46,875
<i>A hospital isn't a
place for lazy people.</i>

14
00:00:46,886 --> 00:00:50,292
<i>A hospital is a place for smart
people who take care of people</i>

15
00:00:50,304 --> 00:00:53,768
<i>who aren't smart enough to
keep themselves healthy.</i>

16
00:00:53,991 --> 00:00:56,245
Oh, man, she is hot.

17
00:00:56,269 --> 00:00:59,660
- I would like to bang her and her clumsy vagina.
- Yeah.

18
00:00:59,683 --> 00:01:01,326
<i>But we all have brains,</i>

19
00:01:01,338 --> 00:01:05,193
<i>and brains are messy things
filled with jelly.</i>

20
00:01:05,206 --> 00:01:08,434
<i>And although jelly is sweet,
it made me do a silly thing.</i>

21
00:01:08,446 --> 00:01:10,988
- I broke up with Glenn.
- What?

22
00:01:11,000 --> 00:01:13,587
Why? He's the hottest doctor
at Childrens.

23
00:01:13,621 --> 00:01:17,042
I just can't imagine spending every
Christmas with a Jew, you know?

24
00:01:17,053 --> 00:01:19,402
Lighting candles all the time,
telling knock-knock jokes.

25
00:01:19,413 --> 00:01:22,192
Totally. Driving minivans,
reading books.

26
00:01:22,203 --> 00:01:23,530
Right?

27
00:01:25,967 --> 00:01:29,215
- I'm gonna break up with Owen.
- Why?

28
00:01:29,215 --> 00:01:31,033
Well, you broke up with Glenn.
We're roommates.

29
00:01:31,044 --> 00:01:32,771
That would be totally confusing.

30
00:01:32,782 --> 00:01:34,508
- Right.
- Yeah.

31
00:01:34,520 --> 00:01:35,447
How are you gonna do it?

32
00:01:35,459 --> 00:01:38,007
I don't know.
I need to think of a good lie.

33
00:01:38,030 --> 00:01:40,666
Ugh! I wish he were Jewish.

34
00:01:40,786 --> 00:01:44,936
Mommy, I'm scared!

35
00:01:44,947 --> 00:01:47,356
- Bitches.
- Blake.

36
00:01:48,918 --> 00:01:49,892
Want me to tickle your arm?

37
00:01:49,916 --> 00:01:52,140
- Yeah. Do it.
- Okay.

38
00:01:53,208 --> 00:01:54,500
- You're there, you're there, you're there.
- No.

39
00:01:54,500 --> 00:01:57,213
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

40
00:01:57,213 --> 00:01:58,493
What's up?

41
00:01:58,509 --> 00:02:00,517
Look, you're the
attending physician,

42
00:02:00,528 --> 00:02:02,994
so I need your permission.
I want to cut this kid open.

43
00:02:03,005 --> 00:02:04,815
- Why? She's got a broken arm.
- Says who?

44
00:02:04,838 --> 00:02:07,841
- The X-ray.
- Please. I don't trust these,

45
00:02:07,865 --> 00:02:11,020
They're not even in color.
Look, I got to open her up.

46
00:02:11,031 --> 00:02:12,946
What if it's something more serious?

47
00:02:12,981 --> 00:02:15,260
What if it's AIDS?
I don't know this kid.

48
00:02:15,283 --> 00:02:17,750
I got to make sure she's got the
right type of arm guts in there.

49
00:02:17,774 --> 00:02:19,547
Am I supposed to trust
some medical textbook

50
00:02:19,558 --> 00:02:21,649
or some black-and-white
space photo?

51
00:02:21,660 --> 00:02:25,514
Come on. I'm a doctor.
It's what I do.

52
00:02:26,700 --> 00:02:28,238
Prep the O.R.

53
00:02:29,572 --> 00:02:31,192
You better be right this time.

54
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:37,483
- There you are.
- Hi.

55
00:02:37,507 --> 00:02:40,020
You want to scrub in, watch
me tear into a youngster's flesh?

56
00:02:40,036 --> 00:02:44,198
- Uh, no. I want to break up with you.
- What? Why?

57
00:02:44,527 --> 00:02:47,288
- Are you Jewish?
- Have you ever seen me drive a minivan?

58
00:02:47,534 --> 00:02:49,688
No...
Then, um...

59
00:02:50,912 --> 00:02:52,709
I have a brain tumor.

60
00:02:53,601 --> 00:02:56,123
- Oh, [bleep].
- Yeah.

61
00:02:56,919 --> 00:02:59,352
- How long have you known?
- How long have I known...

62
00:02:59,364 --> 00:03:02,129
How long have I known...
Ugh. I can't lie. I...

63
00:03:02,197 --> 00:03:04,466
I don't have a brain tumor.
I just...

64
00:03:04,489 --> 00:03:07,032
I couldn't think of a reason
to break up with you.

65
00:03:07,044 --> 00:03:08,264
Break up?

66
00:03:08,276 --> 00:03:10,671
Not with you sick like this.
I'm gonna take care of you.

67
00:03:10,738 --> 00:03:12,842
No, no, no. Did you...
I said I don't have a brain tumor.

68
00:03:12,853 --> 00:03:15,090
- That's just the brain tumor talking.
- Oh, my God.

69
00:03:15,101 --> 00:03:19,197
No, listen to me.
I don't have a brain tumor.

70
00:03:19,197 --> 00:03:22,045
Shh.
Go and rest your tumor.

71
00:03:22,165 --> 00:03:23,430
I'd kiss you goodbye,

72
00:03:23,442 --> 00:03:25,872
- but I don't want to get brain cancer.
- Oh.

73
00:03:28,362 --> 00:03:29,948
Hey, roomie.

74
00:03:30,068 --> 00:03:33,188
I poured you a "grig."

75
00:03:33,192 --> 00:03:37,024
Well, how'd it go with Owen?

76
00:03:37,446 --> 00:03:41,255
- I broke up with him.
- Oh, babe. How'd you do it?

77
00:03:42,070 --> 00:03:44,220
I told him I had a brain tumor.

78
00:03:44,467 --> 00:03:47,808
Wow!
That's a good one.

79
00:03:50,344 --> 00:03:54,024
Babe...
Hey, I don't want you to be sad.

80
00:03:54,873 --> 00:03:56,869
I want you to dance it out.

81
00:03:56,892 --> 00:03:58,933
- I don't know.
- Yes.

82
00:03:59,261 --> 00:04:01,188
Are you sure?

83
00:04:01,256 --> 00:04:04,429
Oh. Uh-oh. What's happening?

84
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:09,411
Whoa. Unh-unh.
Yeah. Come on! Come on!

85
00:04:10,699 --> 00:04:16,036
Feel it! Shake it!

86
00:04:20,163 --> 00:04:23,873
<i>Sometimes no matter
how smart you are,</i>

87
00:04:23,885 --> 00:04:27,031
<i>you have to do what your
brain jelly tells you to do.</i>

88
00:04:27,055 --> 00:04:30,094
<i>Only problem is jelly is messy,</i>

89
00:04:30,117 --> 00:04:33,098
<i>and you could get it
all over yourself.</i>

90
00:04:42,380 --> 00:04:43,672
<i>To catch a terrorist,</i>

91
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:46,208
<i>you need to think like one,
act like one.</i>

92
00:04:46,231 --> 00:04:47,911
<i>Terrorize someone.</i>

93
00:04:47,934 --> 00:04:50,407
<i>I work for the
National Terrorism Strike Force,</i>

94
00:04:50,527 --> 00:04:52,059
<i>San Diego division.</i>

95
00:04:52,179 --> 00:04:54,806
<i>Am I a white knight?
Or a black checker?</i>

96
00:04:55,181 --> 00:04:58,674
<i>- Perhaps... I'm like Jenga.</i>
- Tell me your future thoughts!

97
00:04:58,692 --> 00:05:01,099
<i>All I know is
if you have to ask...</i>

98
00:05:01,111 --> 00:05:03,976
- Trick or treat.
<i>- you're on the wrong side.</i>

99
00:05:04,096 --> 00:05:07,258
- I quit!
- I don't negotiate with terrorists...

100
00:05:07,282 --> 00:05:08,550
because I am one.

101
00:05:08,573 --> 00:05:12,260
<i>National Terrorism Strike Force:
San Diego: Sport Utility Vehicle.</i>

102
00:05:13,336 --> 00:05:15,332
<i>Previously on Childrens Hospital...</i>

103
00:05:15,344 --> 00:05:18,580
And that's why the only thing
better than today is tomorrow.

104
00:05:23,272 --> 00:05:26,918
- So inspiring.
- Yeah. I wish I had cancer.

105
00:05:27,164 --> 00:05:29,313
- I want to break up with you.
- What? Why?

106
00:05:29,936 --> 00:05:31,404
Are you Jewish?

107
00:05:38,684 --> 00:05:40,422
<i>What is love?</i>

108
00:05:40,446 --> 00:05:44,156
<i>How fine is the line
between love and like,</i>

109
00:05:44,276 --> 00:05:47,489
<i>between best friend
and lover?</i>

110
00:05:48,017 --> 00:05:52,542
<i>How much can we love one another
if we don't even love ourselves?</i>

111
00:05:53,892 --> 00:05:58,441
<i>We live our lives and we try
to find meaning in our jobs.</i>

112
00:05:58,722 --> 00:06:02,885
<i>And sometimes we make it our jobs
to find meaning in our lives.</i>

113
00:06:04,858 --> 00:06:08,697
<i>And we eat and we breathe
and we sleep,</i>

114
00:06:08,709 --> 00:06:11,791
<i>and sometimes,
we go to the bathroom.</i>

115
00:06:12,634 --> 00:06:14,641
<i>It's called "life."</i>

116
00:06:14,653 --> 00:06:20,308
<i>And what do you get when you
cross life and love with Lola?</i>

117
00:06:21,189 --> 00:06:22,623
<i>Loofa.</i>

118
00:06:24,219 --> 00:06:26,638
- Hey.
- Hey.

119
00:06:27,037 --> 00:06:29,770
Whoa. You got a, um...
A bat in the cave.

120
00:06:29,781 --> 00:06:32,687
- What?
- You got a stalagmite.

121
00:06:32,693 --> 00:06:34,722
- Huh?
- You have a booger.

122
00:06:34,745 --> 00:06:36,072
Oh...

123
00:06:36,803 --> 00:06:38,241
- Other nostril.
- Oh.

124
00:06:38,361 --> 00:06:39,229
<i>Attention, staff.</i>

125
00:06:39,241 --> 00:06:42,446
<i>Will Captain Pierce please report
to Colonel Blake? That is all.</i>

126
00:06:42,458 --> 00:06:44,921
Thanks.

127
00:06:46,637 --> 00:06:49,385
I... I guess I must
have given you my cold.

128
00:06:50,359 --> 00:06:53,785
I got to run. Pop this kid's shoulder
back into place, would you? Thanks.

129
00:06:56,051 --> 00:06:57,445
There you are.

130
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:59,496
I found a pair of your panties
in my bed this morning.

131
00:06:59,496 --> 00:07:01,465
We broke up a month ago.
How often do you make your bed?

132
00:07:01,477 --> 00:07:04,363
- I'd like to make your bed again.
- Glenn, it's over.

133
00:07:04,964 --> 00:07:08,506
No, it's not because you're Jewish.
A lot of people like candles and minivans.

134
00:07:08,928 --> 00:07:10,219
- What?
- Look,

135
00:07:10,219 --> 00:07:12,157
excuse me while I pop this little boy's
shoulder back into place.

136
00:07:12,167 --> 00:07:14,468
I'd like to pop your shoulder
back into place.

137
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:16,752
Now kiss me on the inside
of my stupid mouth.

138
00:07:16,775 --> 00:07:19,461
I can't... anymore.

139
00:07:24,220 --> 00:07:26,556
Um...
Ow!

140
00:07:27,801 --> 00:07:30,941
Whatever happened to the healing
power of laughter, you know?

141
00:07:31,528 --> 00:07:33,773
Used to be I could
pull a rabbit out of a hat

142
00:07:33,785 --> 00:07:37,070
or a quarter out of some kid's nose
and, poof, leukemia's gone.

143
00:07:37,138 --> 00:07:39,537
You know, I once cured
a case of Lou Gehrig's disease

144
00:07:39,549 --> 00:07:41,975
by pretending I was
trapped inside a box.

145
00:07:42,009 --> 00:07:45,879
Sounds more like the healing power
of magic... Or mime.

146
00:07:45,913 --> 00:07:49,967
Just a claustrophobic clown
in this tiny car of life.

147
00:07:49,991 --> 00:07:51,593
And I can get tiny-carsick.

148
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:56,390
Hey, Blake, why don't you try
the healing power of medicine?

149
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:58,640
Medicine?

150
00:07:58,654 --> 00:08:01,296
Why don't I try the
healing power of my ass?

151
00:08:01,319 --> 00:08:04,334
Anyway, thanks for listening, chief.

152
00:08:08,432 --> 00:08:10,270
Whoa.
What are you doing?

153
00:08:10,513 --> 00:08:13,425
Oh, my God.
I totally misread that. I'm sorry.

154
00:08:13,437 --> 00:08:16,208
- Yikes.
- Whatever.

155
00:08:18,162 --> 00:08:20,640
So your girlfriend broke up with you.
Who cares?

156
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:23,725
I've been divorced four times.
You see me crying?

157
00:08:24,894 --> 00:08:26,503
Yeah, right now,
you're crying.

158
00:08:26,623 --> 00:08:29,438
Listen, why don't you
come back to the force?

159
00:08:29,455 --> 00:08:32,137
- I need my partner back.
- I can't, Briggs.

160
00:08:32,149 --> 00:08:35,550
- Not after what happened to us on 9/11.
- You got to get over 9/11.

161
00:08:35,550 --> 00:08:37,273
That was seven years ago.

162
00:08:38,095 --> 00:08:41,805
- It almost seems like it, doesn't it?
- No, it was it.

163
00:08:41,829 --> 00:08:45,906
- It's 2008, so 9/11 was seven years ago.
- Are you sure it wasn't 2002?

164
00:08:45,973 --> 00:08:47,506
I thought it happened in January.

165
00:08:47,529 --> 00:08:51,153
No. Forget it. Listen,
just come back to the force.

166
00:08:52,069 --> 00:08:55,538
Maybe this will change your mind...
Your old shield...

167
00:08:58,344 --> 00:09:00,730
- And your piece.
- Oh.

168
00:09:00,755 --> 00:09:02,522
Briggs, I'm a doctor now.

169
00:09:02,590 --> 00:09:05,442
In my line of work,
I use a different kind of gun,

170
00:09:05,983 --> 00:09:07,843
a gun that doesn't take bullets.

171
00:09:08,160 --> 00:09:10,569
I get it.
You're talking about a scalpel.

172
00:09:10,580 --> 00:09:13,281
No. Laser gun.

173
00:09:14,368 --> 00:09:16,662
- Yeah.
- You use that thing for surgery?

174
00:09:16,686 --> 00:09:19,035
Oh, God, no.
I vaporize people with it.

175
00:09:19,763 --> 00:09:23,083
Did you know that in outer
space, there are no laws?

176
00:09:24,879 --> 00:09:26,253
We should go there.

177
00:09:27,591 --> 00:09:29,887
Could you and I
be married in outer space?

178
00:09:29,911 --> 00:09:32,040
- What did you say?
- Nothing.

179
00:09:32,887 --> 00:09:35,003
So, that's it.
Thank you for watching these,

180
00:09:35,015 --> 00:09:38,902
the first two episodes of
"Childrens Hospital" ever.

181
00:09:39,022 --> 00:09:41,632
Um, you know, watching
these episodes, I was

182
00:09:41,867 --> 00:09:44,638
kind of reminded of
why I got into this whole

183
00:09:44,661 --> 00:09:48,830
business in the first place.
When I was a kid, I used to

184
00:09:48,950 --> 00:09:52,965
I used to put on these plays
in my basement, and my, uh...

185
00:09:53,279 --> 00:09:55,780
My babysitter, Kurt, used to
direct me and it was...

186
00:09:55,803 --> 00:09:58,093
We... We would just have so much fun.
Like, he would just...

187
00:09:58,213 --> 00:10:00,863
tell me to do certain things.
Like once he had me, um...

188
00:10:01,545 --> 00:10:03,970
He had me...
take my pants off...

189
00:10:04,090 --> 00:10:05,575
And, um...

190
00:10:09,895 --> 00:10:11,211
Wait, that can't be right.

191
00:10:13,117 --> 00:10:13,798
He...

192
00:10:18,847 --> 00:10:20,009
Oh, my God.

193
00:10:21,369 --> 00:10:22,495
Oh, my God.

194
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:27,497
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

195
00:10:28,376 --> 00:10:30,168
Oh, my... no.

196
00:10:30,943 --> 00:10:32,493
No, no, no, no, no, no.

197
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:36,144
Oh, that son of a bitch.

198
00:10:36,264 --> 00:10:39,268
That...
That son of a bitch.

199
00:10:39,761 --> 00:10:41,481
Oh, my God.

200
00:10:42,779 --> 00:10:43,907
Oh, G...

201
00:10:45,175 --> 00:10:48,456
Oh, G...
Oh, I can't. I can't. Oh, my God.

202
00:10:48,902 --> 00:10:51,286
Oh, my God,
that son of a bitch!

203
00:10:51,298 --> 00:10:53,997
<i>Trancript by Addic7ed
Sync: Adriano_CSI</i>