1 00:00:00,763 --> 00:00:02,877 Previously on Childrens Hospital... 2 00:00:02,871 --> 00:00:04,696 I don't have a brain tumor. I just... 3 00:00:04,720 --> 00:00:07,139 I couldn't think of a reason to break up with you. 4 00:00:07,150 --> 00:00:08,798 That's just the brain tumor talking. 5 00:00:08,821 --> 00:00:11,974 Used to be I could fix a fuel pump using the healing power of laughter. 6 00:00:14,945 --> 00:00:16,612 What are you going to use? Like a wrench or something? 7 00:00:18,138 --> 00:00:20,757 One of these days I'm going to get a real job in a real hospital 8 00:00:20,780 --> 00:00:22,635 with real adult patients. 9 00:00:22,659 --> 00:00:25,645 - Tiny breast implant. - Tiny breast implant. 10 00:00:25,657 --> 00:00:29,079 - They're getting tinier and tinier. - Freeze! 11 00:00:39,330 --> 00:00:40,853 Attention, staff. 12 00:00:40,869 --> 00:00:43,420 Thanks to all of you for not remembering my birthday. 13 00:00:43,431 --> 00:00:44,842 Listen up, people. 14 00:00:46,169 --> 00:00:48,594 Damn it. First up on the docket... 15 00:00:48,606 --> 00:00:51,379 The answer to yesterday's trivia question is... 16 00:00:52,134 --> 00:00:56,212 The... The answer... The answer is... 17 00:01:00,901 --> 00:01:02,346 - Pubis. - Yes. 18 00:01:02,369 --> 00:01:04,618 Oh! I did not know that. 19 00:01:05,863 --> 00:01:07,261 All right, next up. 20 00:01:07,519 --> 00:01:12,556 It saddens me to have to announce that Dr. Lola Spratt has a brain tumor. 21 00:01:13,202 --> 00:01:16,257 What? You told everyone I have a brain tumor? 22 00:01:16,377 --> 00:01:18,077 You need your friends right now. 23 00:01:18,535 --> 00:01:21,024 I told you that as a lie so that I could break up with you, okay? 24 00:01:21,031 --> 00:01:24,215 Listen, everybody, I don't have a brain tumor. 25 00:01:24,239 --> 00:01:26,811 That's right. You don't have a brain tumor. 26 00:01:26,834 --> 00:01:29,290 - Yeah, that's what I said. - You don't have a brain tumor. 27 00:01:29,302 --> 00:01:30,826 - I know. - Keep saying that. Everyone. 28 00:01:30,850 --> 00:01:33,179 "You don't have a brain tumor." 29 00:01:33,213 --> 00:01:36,854 - You don't have a brain tumor. - You don't have a brain tumor. 30 00:01:36,878 --> 00:01:39,287 - That's your mantra. - You don't have a brain tumor. 31 00:01:41,225 --> 00:01:42,891 - All right, people. - Wait. 32 00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:49,682 Next, I want to go over how sick and tired I am of rude waiters. 33 00:01:49,694 --> 00:01:52,798 I mean, it's like you're sitting there for fifteen minutes and the guy comes over 34 00:01:52,810 --> 00:01:55,178 and he's like "Can I take your order?" 35 00:01:55,212 --> 00:01:58,283 Is that annoying or am I crazy? 36 00:01:58,318 --> 00:02:00,287 You're not crazy. 37 00:02:01,316 --> 00:02:02,396 Unh! 38 00:02:03,711 --> 00:02:07,281 You... You have a brain tumor? Why didn't you tell me that? 39 00:02:07,299 --> 00:02:09,013 I did tell you, okay? It was... 40 00:02:09,025 --> 00:02:12,477 It was a lie that I told Owen to break up with him, remember? 41 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,689 No. God, your tumor must be affecting my memory. 42 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:18,982 - Oh, please, let's not. - Hey, where have you been staying? 43 00:02:18,994 --> 00:02:21,849 - I miss my roommate. - What, are we girlfriends now? 44 00:02:21,853 --> 00:02:24,486 You want to get matching cargo shorts and tool belts? 45 00:02:24,491 --> 00:02:27,090 - I just... I want my best friend back. - Oh, really? 46 00:02:27,124 --> 00:02:30,395 Because it sounds like you want to [bleep] me in the back of a "Girls Gone Wild" trailer. 47 00:02:30,403 --> 00:02:32,317 Hey, stop! 48 00:02:33,425 --> 00:02:35,104 We were drunk. 49 00:02:36,302 --> 00:02:39,966 Let's just... Let's just pretend it didn't happen. 50 00:02:47,456 --> 00:02:50,016 God, this cold is kicking my ass. 51 00:02:51,051 --> 00:02:52,753 Oh, God, I'm sorry. 52 00:02:53,318 --> 00:02:55,960 Does it feel even worse because of your brain tumor? 53 00:02:57,441 --> 00:03:00,858 Looks like you're leading the league in malpractice, huh, Richie? 54 00:03:00,882 --> 00:03:02,598 You want to explain to me why you would try and 55 00:03:02,608 --> 00:03:05,568 give an eleven-month-old girl breast implants? 56 00:03:05,603 --> 00:03:07,624 I thought she was eleven years old. 57 00:03:09,775 --> 00:03:12,736 Says here you gave a ten-year-old boy liposuction. 58 00:03:12,759 --> 00:03:13,980 He looked fat on the cat scan. 59 00:03:13,992 --> 00:03:16,596 You sewed two identical twins together? 60 00:03:16,616 --> 00:03:18,542 I was in Siam, guy! 61 00:03:18,565 --> 00:03:20,808 - You threw a newborn in the trash. - I'm a neat freak! 62 00:03:20,820 --> 00:03:24,125 Look, I am a good doctor with great malpractice insurance! 63 00:03:24,149 --> 00:03:26,752 - Get off my case! - Your case is grass! 64 00:03:32,292 --> 00:03:33,243 All right. 65 00:03:33,748 --> 00:03:36,138 My girlfriend and I broke up. I was distracted. 66 00:03:38,803 --> 00:03:42,091 You know what it's like to lose a partner, right? 67 00:03:44,045 --> 00:03:46,752 Lose a partner. 68 00:03:55,492 --> 00:03:57,464 Rough day, eh, partner? 69 00:03:58,201 --> 00:04:01,370 - This date will live in infamy. - Yeah. 70 00:04:01,405 --> 00:04:04,380 September 12, 2001. 71 00:04:06,799 --> 00:04:08,537 it's, uh -- it's the 11th. 72 00:04:09,546 --> 00:04:11,483 Uh, I don't think so. 73 00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:14,486 Yeah, it's definitely the 11th. 74 00:04:14,506 --> 00:04:17,254 Nope. It's the 12th. See? 75 00:04:18,650 --> 00:04:21,842 Okay. Well, that must be wrong because it's definitely the 11th. 76 00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:23,796 It's been all over the news and everything. 77 00:04:23,831 --> 00:04:26,209 My grandfather's watch has never been wrong. 78 00:04:26,218 --> 00:04:28,301 I'm sorry. It's wrong today. 79 00:04:28,324 --> 00:04:30,203 Man, why are you being such a dick about this? 80 00:04:30,237 --> 00:04:31,838 Oh, I'm being a dick? 81 00:04:31,905 --> 00:04:34,841 You're gonna feel like a real jerk when we finally get to a calendar. 82 00:04:34,875 --> 00:04:36,109 You know what? 83 00:04:36,176 --> 00:04:40,048 It just so happens I have a third-party calendar app on my Motorola. 84 00:04:40,605 --> 00:04:43,458 - Let's do this right now. - Fine. I'm right here. 85 00:04:44,738 --> 00:04:46,699 I hope we invade Iraq. 86 00:04:49,625 --> 00:04:50,287 No. 87 00:04:53,129 --> 00:04:56,834 - Noooooooooooooo! - I quit. 88 00:05:01,699 --> 00:05:04,505 Hey, there he is. Where did we go? 89 00:05:05,550 --> 00:05:08,533 I told you, you piece of [bleep]. 90 00:05:09,423 --> 00:05:11,113 I hope we invade Iraq. 91 00:05:14,216 --> 00:05:19,676 Stress... Aggravation... Toxins in our air, water, and food... 92 00:05:19,913 --> 00:05:21,146 Hi, I'm Chris Elliott. 94 00:05:24,671 --> 00:05:29,732 But now, thanks to Nutricai, I have new-found energy, vitality, and mental focus. 95 00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:33,422 Nutricai isn't just a berry drink. It's a way of life. 96 00:05:33,542 --> 00:05:35,959 Visit your local Nutricai representative soon. 97 00:05:35,971 --> 00:05:39,000 Start feeling better today... And forever. 98 00:05:45,249 --> 00:05:47,250 Previously on Childrens Hospital... 99 00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:52,931 This is 99% effective in preventing sexually transmitted diseases. 100 00:05:52,954 --> 00:05:59,309 And this... is 100% effective in getting me high. 101 00:05:59,321 --> 00:06:01,264 I can play with that 102 00:06:01,283 --> 00:06:04,764 - I broke up with Glenn. - What, are we girlfriends now? 103 00:06:04,788 --> 00:06:07,279 You want to buy matching jeeps and start a dog-walking business? 104 00:06:07,303 --> 00:06:08,743 I just want my best friend back. 105 00:06:08,743 --> 00:06:12,590 You're a mess. You know that, don't you? Figure out your life! 106 00:06:16,089 --> 00:06:19,146 Monkeys. That's all we are. 107 00:06:19,388 --> 00:06:23,276 Primates in an urban jungle, walking upright 108 00:06:23,270 --> 00:06:26,775 and throwing our poop into the ever-changing winds of love. 109 00:06:27,625 --> 00:06:31,374 He's got the rarest case of advanced-aging disease I've ever seen. 110 00:06:31,386 --> 00:06:34,471 Advanced-aging disease? Why are you telling me? 111 00:06:34,494 --> 00:06:35,692 I'm chief surgeon. 112 00:06:35,704 --> 00:06:38,870 Yeah, which makes you an administrator, as well. 113 00:06:38,894 --> 00:06:41,931 - The best damn administrator in all of Brazil... - Come on. 114 00:06:41,955 --> 00:06:44,462 ...which, by the way, is where we are right now. 115 00:06:44,485 --> 00:06:47,156 This hospital is in Brazil, as we all know. 116 00:06:47,168 --> 00:06:51,129 But, anyway, you have a gift... Gift of administration. 117 00:06:52,059 --> 00:06:55,130 It's like me with the, uh, healing power of laughter. 118 00:06:55,154 --> 00:06:57,855 Whoa! Uh-oh! 119 00:07:03,650 --> 00:07:07,166 Damn it. Anyway... 120 00:07:07,178 --> 00:07:09,133 It takes more than the healing power of laughter to know 121 00:07:09,141 --> 00:07:12,574 if a kid with advanced-aging disease even belongs in a children's hospital. 122 00:07:13,572 --> 00:07:16,840 Can you get up there? Can you administrate? 123 00:07:23,475 --> 00:07:24,914 - What are you doing? - Huh? 124 00:07:25,471 --> 00:07:27,572 All right, you're giving some Real mixed signals. That's... 125 00:07:27,583 --> 00:07:29,652 Okay, forget it. Never happened. 126 00:07:30,214 --> 00:07:31,662 Attention, staff. 127 00:07:31,685 --> 00:07:34,702 Red alert. All hands report to battle stations. 128 00:07:34,713 --> 00:07:36,477 I repeat: Red alert. 129 00:07:36,489 --> 00:07:39,509 - My body feels too big. - Oh, honey, I know. 130 00:07:39,521 --> 00:07:42,242 It's called growing pains at an extraordinary rate. 131 00:07:46,361 --> 00:07:49,118 - Hi, I'm Chief, the chief surgeon. - Surgeon? 132 00:07:49,238 --> 00:07:50,676 Does Nicky need surgery? 133 00:07:54,728 --> 00:07:57,454 Doubtful. How old is Nicky? 134 00:07:57,465 --> 00:07:59,646 - Six. - I like turtles. 135 00:07:59,669 --> 00:08:03,983 He used to be tall for his age, but now he's just average. 136 00:08:03,995 --> 00:08:07,887 - I wish I were as wise as I am hairy. - Adorable. 137 00:08:08,608 --> 00:08:12,212 Well, I think you are perfect for Childrens Hospital, Nicky, 138 00:08:12,224 --> 00:08:15,400 And I am going to assign you the prettiest doctor here. 139 00:08:15,424 --> 00:08:20,457 - I want a dinosaur doctor. - Well, I don't have a dinosaur, 140 00:08:20,481 --> 00:08:22,921 but I do have a Cat. 141 00:08:23,041 --> 00:08:26,032 Love and life, life and love... 142 00:08:26,044 --> 00:08:28,826 They sound so much alike, but you can't fall in love... 143 00:08:28,837 --> 00:08:31,902 You know, sometimes I feel my life is like a blackjack table. 144 00:08:31,914 --> 00:08:35,138 We don't choose our cards. We just have to keep taking hits... 145 00:08:35,161 --> 00:08:38,129 ...someone, but we can't choose who we love. 146 00:08:38,153 --> 00:08:39,959 - Cat. - Oh. This bitch again? 147 00:08:40,417 --> 00:08:42,424 - Yeah. - I got a rare case 148 00:08:42,458 --> 00:08:46,095 of advanced-aging disease in room 310, and I want you to take it. 149 00:08:46,107 --> 00:08:48,359 - Could be a career-maker. - Wow. 150 00:08:48,370 --> 00:08:50,063 - Whore. - Great. 151 00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:52,182 Now, what was I thinking again? 152 00:08:53,871 --> 00:08:56,446 Okay, Jess, rather than, uh, stick you full of needles 153 00:08:56,458 --> 00:08:58,845 and fill you full of pills, I'm gonna try and cure you 154 00:08:58,857 --> 00:09:00,580 the old-fashioned way... 155 00:09:00,700 --> 00:09:03,627 Using the healing power of laughter, okay? 156 00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:06,981 You ready? This is a quarter. Now... 157 00:09:07,627 --> 00:09:11,556 I'm going to grab it using sleight of hand... 158 00:09:13,329 --> 00:09:15,254 And then make it appear as though... 159 00:09:15,914 --> 00:09:17,487 I'm retracting it from your ear. 160 00:09:18,086 --> 00:09:18,791 Ta-da. 161 00:09:19,061 --> 00:09:21,227 That being said, please don't stick anything in... 162 00:09:21,261 --> 00:09:23,416 any of your holes, uptown or downtown. 163 00:09:25,736 --> 00:09:27,873 Okay. That didn't work. Um... 164 00:09:28,470 --> 00:09:30,717 All right. Uh, there once was a man from Nantucket 165 00:09:30,837 --> 00:09:34,389 whose penis was so abnormally large that he could reach it 166 00:09:34,401 --> 00:09:35,763 with his own mouth. 167 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:38,721 [bleep]! 168 00:09:38,733 --> 00:09:42,096 Who's to say who we should love and who we shouldn't? 169 00:09:42,401 --> 00:09:46,304 We just have to be in the right place at the right time. 170 00:09:48,793 --> 00:09:53,499 - Hi! - Hi... 171 00:09:53,863 --> 00:09:56,887 Hello. Hi, pretty girl. 172 00:09:56,899 --> 00:10:00,070 My elephant is gray like my beard. 173 00:10:01,643 --> 00:10:03,968 Everything's fast-forward with me. 174 00:10:05,941 --> 00:10:08,917 Thank you for watching these two episodes of Childrens Hospital. 175 00:10:08,941 --> 00:10:12,253 I... I have a real treat for some of the fans of the show... 176 00:10:12,276 --> 00:10:16,052 Uh, the actual book upon which the web series was based. 177 00:10:16,064 --> 00:10:20,488 And I would like to read from it now, um, if I could... 178 00:10:20,512 --> 00:10:22,296 If you'll indulge me. 179 00:10:22,613 --> 00:10:24,352 "I do much wonder that one man, 180 00:10:24,364 --> 00:10:28,533 seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors to love, 181 00:10:28,556 --> 00:10:31,998 will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, 182 00:10:32,009 --> 00:10:34,343 become the object of his own scorn by falling in love: 183 00:10:34,366 --> 00:10:35,693 and such a man is Claudio. 184 00:10:37,891 --> 00:10:38,983 I have seen 185 00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:42,318 when there was no music with him but the tabor and the fife..." 186 00:10:43,116 --> 00:10:47,609 Missing lines by Adriano_CSI www.addic7ed.com