Previously on "Childrens Hospital"...
Hey, I want to show you something.
Tell me what this makes you think of.
Okay. A penis.
Huh. Okay let's try another one.
- Penis. - Interesting. One more.
- Penis. - Very cool.
- You're there, you're there, you're there. - No!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Hi, I'm Chief. The chief surgeon.
I can cure you.
If he does that, you might lose your sexy strut.
I give you the new Chief.
I'm gonna try and cure you the old-fashioned way,
using the healing power of laughter.
Why don't you try the healing power of medicine?
I don't have a brain tumor.
I just couldn't think of a reason to break up with you.
That's just the brain tumor talking.
I want to operate on your nonexistent tumor.
I did extract the brain tumor,
using only the healing power of laughter,
so that was a success.
And she died. Sorry.
You might say I'm headed for a bit of a nervous Blake Down...s. M.D.
Coming this fall.
- How old is Nicky? - Six.
I like turtles!
He's got the rarest case of advanced aging disease I've ever seen.
- Hi! - He got you pregnant?
It's immoral! I'm disgusted!
Totally kidding. It's fine.
- Have any names picked out? - We're not telling anyone yet.
- Tobey Maguire!
I dread the future.
It's been so much less experienced than the past.
I wish I aged backwards, like Merlin, or Bruce Springsteen, or anyone from the Planet Ork.
Some people say the past is not past, or even over.
Those people are pretentious.
I see it everywhere, the past. And it looks like Lola.
Lola! Oh.
But it's not her. It's never her,
because my best friend, Dr. Lola Spratt, is dead.
But in my memory, she lives.
But as time goes by, even the memory of her face becomes fuzzy.
But some days, I can feel her with me...
In the smile of a child or in the innocence of one of God's more gentle creatures.
Everything ends.
But what do you call an ending that begins all over again?
A beginding.
All righty. Let's begind at the beginding.
Hi. You must be Cat.
- I'm so happy you could join us. - Sorry I'm late.
- God. Sarcastic much? - I wasn't being sarcastic.
- I'm thrilled that you're here. - Wow, there was traffic. I have my period.
I totally understand. If you've got pain, take the day off.
Oh, my God. Are you done, Don Rickles? What's the deal with this guy?
Meet the new fuehrer, Sy Mittleman.
He runs the insurance company that owns the hospital now. Total suit.
- What does the chief think about this? - Oh, she doesn't care.
She's totally in love with him but pretending to hate him so that we think she's cool.
Go back to your corporate penthouse cubicle, Don Rickshaws.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have got to find new ways to raise revenue for this hospital.
I'm so sorry. Some of my butterflies got out of my collection this morning.
He collects butterflies? Typical suit.
You know what? Why don't we just get out there and save some lives?
Wow!
Attention, all staff... Buzzed surgery is the same as drunk surgery.
Chief, I'm so glad I happened to run into you.
I am glad that I happened to run into you, too,
By accident. Oh.
Yeah, I got it. I'm on it.
Sorry. My staff hates you, so I have to pretend that I do, too.
That must be hard, suddenly not being the boss anymore.
Sy, last year, I was riddled with muscular and neurological disease.
I had an operation that transformed me
into the beautiful, healthy creature you see before you.
Oh. Here she comes. Yeah.
I'm good with change.
I'm also good at changing in and out of various outfits...
Costumes, if you will.
Yeah! Whoo!
Ah! This is fun.
- You want to do another pass? - Absolutely.
Oh, my God. I almost forgot.
There's something extremely, extremely urgent I need to tell you.
The future of this hospital depends on it.
Oh, my God. You tell me right now, you son of a bitch.
Don't leave me hanging.
Coming up next on "Blake Downs M.D.," Dr. Downs has big news.
I discovered a syndrome, and they're naming it after me:
"Dr. Downs syndrome."
You know what syndrome they should name after you?
The "never makes the bed syndrome."
The New York Times says this show will never get cancelled.
Watch "Blake Downs, M.D." Tonight after "Childrens Hospital."
Hey, hey, hey. And how is Morgan's terminal cancer?
I'm not feeling very good at all.
Great. Well, my medical advice would be "keep on truckin'."
Gotcha, you son of a bitch.
I'm hungry.
Hungry?
Give me that thing.
Attention... Now that I have your attention, that is all.
Hi! We went to The Cheesecake Factory. I had a accident.
I quit. Get another nanny.
Not this again. Look, Gladys,
I'm sorry if you have a problem with our unconventional relationship.
I don't care about that. I've dated plenty of guys twenty-five years younger than me.
Really? Did they have advanced aging disease like Nicky?
I don't think anybody has advanced aging disease like Nicky.
Look, our relationship is on the rocks. I can't do this without you.
I just can't clean up grown-man poop anymore.
I ate all of Gladys' cigarettes!
Gladys! Come back. You can't leave me here. He's dying.
I'm gonna go to doggy heaven.
- You're dying, girl. - What?
I'll tell you something my uncle used to say to me back home in Sweden.
- "Figure out your life." - "Figure out your life."
So cryptic.
- I'm pooping again. - Clip it off!
There you are, boo-boo.
- I cured cancer, you dick. - What?
I c'd the big c, you f'ing d.
Glenn, I know that you know that cancer is an amalgam of... of complicated, unique conditions.
- It's almost impossible to find one cure. - Oh, yeah? Check it out, honky. Boom! Haha!
Dick.
- How? - Butterfly goop.
- Okay, so let's start killing some butterflies. - No, no, no.
I would gladly sacrifice all my beautiful friends if it cured one case of cancer,
but don't you think we should run tests first?
- Yeah, you might be right. - Is it the bile? Is it the blood, the mucus, the semen?
- But who're we gonna get to jack off all these butterflies? - I would do that.
Well, uh, if... If no one else was available,
I would gladly volunteer. I would... I would...
Why don't we just run some tests?
And if you actually did this, Glenn,
you have done more than just solve the financial problem of this hospital.
Next on "Blake Downs, M.D.," America loses a dear friend.
My private practice went out of business today. But it's okay.
It's okay. I'm sure Childrens Hospital will take me back.
In a dramatic final episode...
I didn't mean for her to kill it.
I just wanted it to be quiet!
He's doing Hawkeye's monologue from the "MASH" finale.
It was a baby! She smothered her own baby!
Coming up tonight after "Childrens Hospital."
- Dr. Jim Stansel, please report to post-op. - Well, Cat...
Baby's a little bit on the big side, but other than that, I would say that everything looks great.
Really great. Can I just tell you?
It is so nice to see your vagina again.
Thanks for seeing me. You know, I can't see my normal Ob-Gyn anymore.
What's wrong? The guy doesn't like looking at engorged vaginas? Sounds like a jerk.
Owen, I can't keep this baby. I'm not even in love with Nicky anymore.
I'm so afraid of my future.
What are you laughing at?
Oh, I was just remembering how normal your vagina used to look compared to now.
Owen!
- It's like an open-faced reuben. - I can't keep this baby.
- Can you help me? - Cat, listen to me.
You're full-term now,
and the risk to your life, not to mention the baby's, are just too great to consider termination.
- But you're an old friend, so I'll think about it. Yep. - Oh, God! Thank you! Thank you.
Wow!
- Hey! - Had to get a quick pic.
Gosh, it's like the mouth of a fish if you yank the hook out too fast.
- Oh. - Really weird.
- Hey, O? - Yeah, babe?
Why is there an Ob-Gyn clinic in a children's hospital?
Babies are having babies nowadays. Read the papers.
July 11th, 3:00 A.M.
I've extracted blood, bile, tears, breast milk, and mucus from the insect...
And nothing. Thirteen hours and I've only learned one thing...
You can't jack off a dead butterfly.
Oh, I need coffee.
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My body's more broken than the American healthcare system!
Doctor, Doctor, give me the news. I've got a bad case... of meningitis.