1 00:00:00,533 --> 00:00:02,759 Previously on "Childrens Hospital"... 2 00:00:02,759 --> 00:00:05,270 Okay, Tyler. Here comes "Catheter Zeta Jones" 3 00:00:05,305 --> 00:00:08,340 to help you go "Sarah Jessica Pee-Pee." 4 00:00:08,374 --> 00:00:10,676 - Oh! - Uh-oh. 5 00:00:10,710 --> 00:00:13,145 Looks like you gave him a "Woody Harrelson." 6 00:00:13,179 --> 00:00:18,115 Do you have any idea how much talent it takes to run a surgical team? 7 00:00:18,184 --> 00:00:20,352 I have an M.D. from Harvard. 8 00:00:20,386 --> 00:00:24,957 I'm board certified in cardiothoracic medicine and trauma surgery. 9 00:00:24,991 --> 00:00:27,926 I have commendations from seven different medical boards in 10 00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:31,063 New England and Brazil, and I am never, ever sick at sea. 11 00:00:31,097 --> 00:00:34,233 So, I ask you, when someone goes into that chapel and they get 12 00:00:34,267 --> 00:00:37,302 down on their knees and they pray to God that little Becky 13 00:00:37,337 --> 00:00:41,473 doesn't die in surgery, who do you think they're praying to? 14 00:00:41,508 --> 00:00:43,442 You ask me if I have a God complex. 15 00:00:43,476 --> 00:00:45,511 Well, let me tell you something. 16 00:00:45,545 --> 00:00:47,312 I am God! 17 00:00:47,347 --> 00:00:50,516 I just think your daughter could participate more in class. 18 00:00:50,550 --> 00:00:55,551 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 19 00:00:55,622 --> 00:00:57,189 Where are you taking us? 20 00:00:57,223 --> 00:00:58,891 - Blood pressure? - Completely stable. 21 00:00:58,925 --> 00:01:00,092 - Vitals? - Strong. 22 00:01:00,126 --> 00:01:00,993 This is not an emergency. 23 00:01:01,027 --> 00:01:02,795 - We need more time. - Damn it! 24 00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,997 - We're just here for our appointment. - It was at 10:30. 25 00:01:05,031 --> 00:01:07,299 Get them out of here! 26 00:01:07,333 --> 00:01:11,436 "Father." "Mother." "Daughter." 27 00:01:11,471 --> 00:01:13,238 Aren't they just words? 28 00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:16,108 Speaking of families, how come on TV, family arguments are 29 00:01:16,142 --> 00:01:18,010 always resolved by the end of the episode? 30 00:01:18,044 --> 00:01:22,680 I don't know about you, but in my house, folks be hating on each other for years. 31 00:01:22,749 --> 00:01:26,251 No, but I do watch a lot of TV, and I especially love the commercials. 32 00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:29,021 Like, what's the deal with the beer ads? 33 00:01:29,055 --> 00:01:32,157 Who are the wizards that came up with these things? 34 00:01:32,192 --> 00:01:36,495 Anyway, today at Childrens, all the mothers and fathers are 35 00:01:36,529 --> 00:01:38,664 bringing their daughters to work. 36 00:01:38,698 --> 00:01:41,400 Your daughter is very cute, Lola. 37 00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:42,668 Thank you. 38 00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:44,570 Okay, Willow, time for your juice. 39 00:01:44,604 --> 00:01:46,839 Okay. 40 00:01:46,873 --> 00:01:47,873 Oh. 41 00:01:47,907 --> 00:01:49,308 Here we go. 42 00:01:49,342 --> 00:01:50,776 There we go. 43 00:01:50,810 --> 00:01:52,678 What? Is there a problem? 44 00:01:52,712 --> 00:01:56,248 - 'Cause I support a woman's right to choose. - All right. Who have we here? 45 00:01:56,282 --> 00:01:57,282 Hey, Chief. 46 00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:59,218 I want you to meet my little Schmoitle. 47 00:01:59,252 --> 00:02:00,552 Hello, Schmoitle. 48 00:02:00,587 --> 00:02:01,620 Good Shabbas. 49 00:02:01,654 --> 00:02:04,156 Here's your name tag right here. 50 00:02:04,190 --> 00:02:06,224 Oh. Okay, she's not taking it. 51 00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:08,427 Yeah, she can't pick that up. 52 00:02:08,461 --> 00:02:13,731 That's considered work, and she can't work until sundown... You know, Shabbas. 53 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:18,237 Well, I have brought my "wittle" baby daughter, 54 00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:22,774 Harmony, here to see what Mommy does for her living. 55 00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:23,942 Hey. 56 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,311 Yeah, I actually own my own real-estate business, so... 57 00:02:26,346 --> 00:02:28,780 She's a little bit shy, so I brought her special 58 00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,515 friend Montana to see her. 59 00:02:30,550 --> 00:02:31,216 Mom! 60 00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:35,053 I threw that away when I was, like, nine years old. 61 00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:37,155 Did you take that out of the garbage? 62 00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:39,089 Ew! Please! 63 00:02:39,158 --> 00:02:41,592 - I want a kiss. - Oh, my gosh! 64 00:02:41,661 --> 00:02:44,997 Oh, this is gonna be such a great day with all our little babies. 65 00:02:45,031 --> 00:02:48,333 Hey, everybody, Blake brought his daughters, and they're gonna sing for us. 66 00:02:49,569 --> 00:02:53,305 ♪ Dream land, it's me and you forever. ♪ 67 00:02:53,339 --> 00:02:55,107 ♪ I'll be your Cinderella. ♪ 68 00:02:55,141 --> 00:02:57,876 ♪ You're mine, it's in my M.O... ♪ 69 00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,514 Wow! That was terrible. 70 00:03:02,548 --> 00:03:03,849 Where are the harmonies, huh? 71 00:03:03,883 --> 00:03:05,683 - Where's the passion? - I'm sorry, Daddy. 72 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:06,752 It'll be better next time. 73 00:03:06,786 --> 00:03:09,488 I hate the sound of your voice. 74 00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:11,890 Let's start again. 75 00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:14,126 ♪ Dream land, it's me and you... ♪ 76 00:03:14,160 --> 00:03:17,528 Stop! One more, as if you loved me. 77 00:03:17,597 --> 00:03:18,730 ♪ Dream land, it's me... ♪ 78 00:03:18,765 --> 00:03:19,865 You don't love me. 79 00:03:19,899 --> 00:03:22,601 Got it. Thank you. 80 00:03:32,812 --> 00:03:34,712 - Oh, yeah. - What have we got here? 81 00:03:34,781 --> 00:03:36,882 Twelve-year-old child, both sets of genitals. 82 00:03:36,916 --> 00:03:39,584 Parents don't know what to choose... The meat and potatoes 83 00:03:39,619 --> 00:03:40,819 or the stinky fish salad. 84 00:03:40,853 --> 00:03:42,421 Hey, sport, let me ask you a question. 85 00:03:42,455 --> 00:03:44,589 When Dad here takes you to the ballpark, do you like a 86 00:03:44,624 --> 00:03:46,625 foot-long frank or a hot, steaming plate of vagina? 87 00:03:46,659 --> 00:03:48,427 Mr. and Mrs. Leplante, why now? 88 00:03:48,461 --> 00:03:50,529 - Ray's always wanted a son... - Scalpel! 89 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:51,997 But I've always wanted a girl. 90 00:03:52,031 --> 00:03:53,432 What mother wouldn't? 91 00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:55,300 We thought we would know what to do by now. 92 00:03:55,335 --> 00:03:59,638 Perhaps you've noticed a change in his/her vocal pitch 93 00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:02,174 or her/his pissing technique. 94 00:04:02,208 --> 00:04:08,413 Has she/he been exhibiting any stereotypically female behaviors? 95 00:04:08,448 --> 00:04:11,116 Like interrupting the man when he's talking? 96 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:13,018 This is the biggest decision of its life! 97 00:04:13,052 --> 00:04:13,919 Exactly. 98 00:04:13,953 --> 00:04:20,192 Why don't we just ask shim how her/him sees hermself. 99 00:04:20,226 --> 00:04:22,194 Herm? 100 00:04:26,099 --> 00:04:28,233 Schmoitle, it's touch and go with this one. 101 00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:29,667 Look at that. Oy! 102 00:04:41,981 --> 00:04:43,749 Well, it's a no. 103 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:46,018 'Cause we'd have to gut the whole kitchen. 104 00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:49,053 It's j... I cannot do it for less than $50,000. I can't. 105 00:04:49,122 --> 00:04:52,891 Honey, don't you want to know what Mommy does for a living? 106 00:04:52,925 --> 00:04:53,625 Yeah, I am. 107 00:04:53,659 --> 00:04:56,695 And it is actually worse than last year, if you can believe that. 108 00:04:56,729 --> 00:04:58,497 Harmony, Harmony, look at Mommy. 109 00:04:58,531 --> 00:04:59,896 - Look at Mommy. - What?! What?! 110 00:04:59,966 --> 00:05:01,533 Take that out of your mouth. 111 00:05:01,567 --> 00:05:02,734 - What is this? - Lollipop. 112 00:05:02,802 --> 00:05:04,302 What is this? Tell Mommy. 113 00:05:04,370 --> 00:05:06,238 It's a lollipop. 114 00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:08,240 Oh, my God. 115 00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:10,709 Child molester! 116 00:05:10,743 --> 00:05:13,110 Oh, my God! Oh! Oh! Child molester! 117 00:05:13,212 --> 00:05:14,946 ♪ It's 11:59, ♪ 118 00:05:14,981 --> 00:05:16,815 ♪ we're runnin' out of time. ♪ 119 00:05:16,849 --> 00:05:26,358 ♪ I'm about to lose my way until we can be together again... ♪ 120 00:05:26,392 --> 00:05:28,660 Child molester, where are you?! 121 00:05:28,694 --> 00:05:29,995 He could be anyone! 122 00:05:30,029 --> 00:05:31,263 No. 123 00:05:31,297 --> 00:05:33,131 No. 124 00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:34,933 Looking good. 125 00:05:34,967 --> 00:05:36,835 No. 126 00:05:36,869 --> 00:05:38,170 Definitely not. 127 00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:39,871 Oh, this is so frustrating. 128 00:05:39,906 --> 00:05:44,109 Child molester! It's you and me, baby! 129 00:05:44,143 --> 00:05:45,177 Attention, staff. 130 00:05:45,211 --> 00:05:48,046 Please stay away from my personal belongings. 131 00:05:48,081 --> 00:05:50,482 Look, kid, do you want to be a girl? 132 00:05:50,516 --> 00:05:54,219 Do you want to grow up to be something stupid like a hair stylist? 133 00:05:54,253 --> 00:05:56,988 Or do you want to be the president or a lumberman? 134 00:05:57,023 --> 00:05:58,423 Plus, you get to have a penis. 135 00:05:58,458 --> 00:06:01,460 You can whip it out at parties, hit people in the face with it, 136 00:06:01,494 --> 00:06:03,562 throw it on your wrist like a cool watch. 137 00:06:03,596 --> 00:06:05,063 You can use it as a skateboard. 138 00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:06,965 You can pick up loose change with it. 139 00:06:06,999 --> 00:06:09,301 You can't do any of that fun stuff with a vagina. 140 00:06:09,335 --> 00:06:11,803 You can't give birth with a dick. 141 00:06:11,838 --> 00:06:14,473 Herm here couldn't give birth if herm tried. 142 00:06:14,507 --> 00:06:18,276 And even if herm could, we're talking stretch marks, 143 00:06:18,311 --> 00:06:20,412 skid marks, double butt, waist boobs. 144 00:06:20,446 --> 00:06:22,881 Do you want your mangina to look like Kermit's mouth? 145 00:06:22,915 --> 00:06:24,216 Prostate cancer. 146 00:06:24,250 --> 00:06:25,383 Ovarian cancer. 147 00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:26,751 Testicular cancer. 148 00:06:26,786 --> 00:06:29,020 How dare you throw my balls in my face?! 149 00:06:31,858 --> 00:06:33,458 What? 150 00:06:33,493 --> 00:06:35,425 Period. Period! Oh, my God. 151 00:06:35,495 --> 00:06:37,462 - You guys, get in here! - What? 152 00:06:37,530 --> 00:06:39,064 What? What? What? 153 00:06:39,098 --> 00:06:40,532 Oh, God, that's disgusting! 154 00:06:40,566 --> 00:06:41,666 Oh! 155 00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:43,335 Oh, she perioded. 156 00:06:43,369 --> 00:06:45,136 - Ew! - You're on your period! 157 00:06:45,204 --> 00:06:46,771 That is gross. 158 00:06:46,806 --> 00:06:48,707 Stop it! 159 00:06:48,741 --> 00:06:53,145 I've listened to everything you have to say, and I realized 160 00:06:53,179 --> 00:06:59,151 it doesn't matter if you're a male or a female or both. 161 00:06:59,185 --> 00:07:03,655 All that matters... is what's in your heart. 162 00:07:04,724 --> 00:07:07,092 Are you crying? 163 00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:08,126 No. 164 00:07:08,161 --> 00:07:10,128 Hey. Hey. 165 00:07:10,196 --> 00:07:13,365 Must find child molester. 166 00:07:13,399 --> 00:07:18,370 No, when I find you, you won't touch any more children's bottoms ever ag... 167 00:07:18,404 --> 00:07:20,271 Aah! There he is! 168 00:07:20,339 --> 00:07:23,040 Child molester! Oh! 169 00:07:24,076 --> 00:07:29,848 Where you're going, you're gonna get your lollipop licked plenty. 170 00:07:29,882 --> 00:07:34,686 - By a bunch of dudes. - I'm sorry. I don't follow you at all. 171 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:36,053 - In prison. - Ew. 172 00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,956 Mom, this is my boyfriend. 173 00:07:37,990 --> 00:07:40,325 Oh, is that what he calls it? 174 00:07:40,359 --> 00:07:42,326 - Oh, you disgust me! - God. Yes! 175 00:07:42,395 --> 00:07:44,696 That's what we're calling it 'cause I'm twenty-seven years old! 176 00:07:44,730 --> 00:07:46,865 He's not a child molester, because I'm not a child! 177 00:07:46,899 --> 00:07:48,133 Where did he touch you? 178 00:07:48,167 --> 00:07:49,367 - Honey, show me. - Oh, my God. 179 00:07:49,435 --> 00:07:50,502 Show me on Montana. 180 00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:52,401 - Did he touch you here? - Yup. A couple times. 181 00:07:52,505 --> 00:07:54,770 - Did he touch you there? - Mm-hmm. Just the tip. 182 00:07:54,874 --> 00:07:57,309 - Did he touch you there? - Mom, everywhere. We had sex. 183 00:07:57,343 --> 00:07:58,243 Oh, God! 184 00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:00,879 Yeah, and I drive an unmarked white van 'cause I'm an 185 00:08:00,913 --> 00:08:03,014 undercover lollipop salesman. 186 00:08:03,049 --> 00:08:05,550 Look, here's my card. 187 00:08:05,585 --> 00:08:06,618 You got a card? 188 00:08:06,652 --> 00:08:10,021 "Lollipops for any occasion, discretion guaranteed." 189 00:08:10,056 --> 00:08:11,289 Oh, God. Okay. 190 00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:12,724 Oh. I got it. 191 00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:14,492 - My bad. - Mom. 192 00:08:14,560 --> 00:08:15,894 Yeah? 193 00:08:15,928 --> 00:08:17,862 I'm too old for "Take your daughter to work" day. 194 00:08:17,897 --> 00:08:19,297 It's time to let me go. 195 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:23,034 It's just, um, really hard to accept that your little 196 00:08:23,069 --> 00:08:24,603 girl doesn't need you anymore. 197 00:08:24,637 --> 00:08:27,172 That's crazy. I need you. 198 00:08:27,206 --> 00:08:30,575 I need you, Mom. I love you. 199 00:08:30,610 --> 00:08:33,678 Oh. 200 00:08:33,713 --> 00:08:35,347 Can I borrow her for a minute? 201 00:08:35,381 --> 00:08:35,914 Yes. 202 00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:36,848 Come on. 203 00:08:36,882 --> 00:08:39,680 Grab onto my cripple sticks, and let's go for a ride 204 00:08:39,692 --> 00:08:41,113 - just like we used to. - Whoo! 205 00:08:41,124 --> 00:08:44,155 - For old time's sake. Here we go. - Whoa! 206 00:08:44,223 --> 00:08:45,390 Up, up, and away! 207 00:08:45,424 --> 00:08:46,558 Go faster! 208 00:08:46,592 --> 00:08:48,059 Bye-bye, you guys. 209 00:08:48,094 --> 00:08:50,362 Have fun, but be safe. 210 00:08:50,396 --> 00:08:52,631 We don't want two cripples in the family. 211 00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:57,035 Where are the kids? 212 00:08:57,069 --> 00:09:00,272 ♪ I know breast milk is best, ♪ 213 00:09:00,306 --> 00:09:04,442 ♪ I get that, but this is ridiculous. ♪ 214 00:09:04,477 --> 00:09:10,081 ♪ Waiting for Shabbat to end so that she can plug him in. ♪ 215 00:09:10,116 --> 00:09:18,723 ♪ Well, now, we can certainly blame the Jews for that one, too. ♪ 216 00:09:18,758 --> 00:09:22,160 ♪ And I don't know who this kid is, but she's really looking ♪ 217 00:09:22,194 --> 00:09:26,264 ♪ around like something's going on. ♪ 218 00:09:26,299 --> 00:09:32,169 ♪ These parents are really worried about their son, daughter, son, whichever. ♪ 219 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:37,742 ♪ Valerie and Owen make out over the hermaphrodite's surgery and ♪ 220 00:09:37,777 --> 00:09:40,745 ♪ cover eyes that are already closed. ♪ 221 00:09:40,780 --> 00:09:47,952 ♪ Here come those creepy kids. ♪ 222 00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:51,956 ♪ Ooh... ♪ 223 00:09:51,991 --> 00:09:53,024 Eh. 224 00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,393 Wake up, sport. 225 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:56,127 There you are. 226 00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:57,662 - Hey. - Hey. 227 00:09:57,697 --> 00:10:02,032 Listen, we're sorry we tried to label you earlier, put you in a box. 228 00:10:02,101 --> 00:10:03,535 He wanted you to be a man. 229 00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:05,303 And she wanted you to be a woman. 230 00:10:05,338 --> 00:10:07,405 But you said something, and we listened. 231 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,975 You said it doesn't matter if you're male or female or both. 232 00:10:11,010 --> 00:10:15,046 So we put aside our differences and did what you wanted. 233 00:10:15,081 --> 00:10:18,516 We cut off your penis and scooped out your ovaries. 234 00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:20,483 Congrats, kid. You're neither. 235 00:10:21,620 --> 00:10:23,021 You were right. 236 00:10:23,055 --> 00:10:26,324 It is just a matter of the heart. 237 00:10:26,359 --> 00:10:27,926 Oh, look, it's crying. 238 00:10:27,960 --> 00:10:28,893 Tears of joy. 239 00:10:28,928 --> 00:10:30,628 A matter of the heart. 240 00:10:36,902 --> 00:10:41,606 Sync by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 241 00:10:55,454 --> 00:10:57,822 I'm sorry, Daddy. It'll be better next time. 242 00:10:57,857 --> 00:10:59,391 You're adopted. 243 00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:04,529 Hospital administrators, take note. 244 00:11:04,563 --> 00:11:07,866 "The Arsenio Hall Show" has been cancelled.